tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54971293897736290072024-03-12T18:36:58.648-07:00OCPD - Scattered Thoughts from the Front LinesThe Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.comBlogger264125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-84289305636142168682015-08-09T12:27:00.001-07:002015-08-09T12:27:56.206-07:00Popping in to Blow You a KIss<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Angel_throwing_a_kiss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:left;"><img alt="English: Angel throwing a kiss Italiano: Un an..." border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted zemanta-img-configured" height="525" src="//upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/00/Angel_throwing_a_kiss.jpg/350px-Angel_throwing_a_kiss.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="350" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 350px;">English: Angel throwing a kiss Italiano: Un angelo che getta un bacio (Photo credit: <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Angel_throwing_a_kiss.jpg" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
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<i>Mwah!</i><br />
<br />
No, I haven't blogged here in a very long time. #sorrynotsorry<br />
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Once upon a time, I would have felt terribly guilty about this. But I have gotten <i>sooooo </i>much better about my boundaries, about putting myself first and being loving to myself, that I actually don't feel more than a twinge or two.<br />
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Last fall, I actually began <i>dating </i>again. 4+ years after moving away from my ocpd ex, 3 1/2+ years after our official split.<br />
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Yes, it <i>did </i>take me that long for me to heal. YYMV.<br />
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I also had to come to terms with my body image issues. How could I date, when I was so damn fat?!?<br />
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A lover turned friend turned lover turned - lets just says there've been lots of blurred lines. Anyway, he inspired me to truly think of myself as sexy again, EVEN THOUGH I was heavy.<br />
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I thought deeply about how often we delay loving ourselves - because of some perceived flaw. I will do XYZ, I will buy myself ABC, I will travel to DEF - all tied to some future thing - when I retire, when I am thin enough, when I have completed GHI.<br />
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Decided that, in fact, I was worthy of being loved RIGHT NOW, just as I was. To stop procrastinating on the self-love.<br />
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So I got out there on OKCupid, and to my surprise and delight, there were plenty of men (of all ages) interested in a chubby menopausal woman with commitment issues.<br />
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I also found much help and support in the Sex Positive World. Real life exercises in saying no, in saying no and negotiating for something else. In checking in with myself and deciding 1) Yes, I really do want this, or 2) Not feelin' it.<br />
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Learning to say yes or no to EVERY kind of physical touch, from kisses and hugs to just a touch on the arm, has been super-empowering.<br />
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And then.... breast cancer happened. Luckily for me, super-early detected, super slow growing, I think my cure rate (not remission rate, but CURE rate) is something like 98-100%.<br />
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However, dealing with even early stage breast cancer is like a second job all by itself, all kinds of appointments and tests and treatments and follow-up appointments.<br />
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As I post this, I've gone through 1) mammogram, 2) biopsy, 3) genetic testing, 4) MRI, 5) Pre-op testing, 6) Lumpectomy, 7) Pap smear.... and I am currently at the front end of six weeks radiation treatment, with hormone-blocking treatment to follow.<br />
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Oh, and I got my eyes checked, too.<br />
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I did tell my ocpd ex about me dating again, months ago, and his reaction was... <i>not </i>upset. He seemed genuinely glad for me. I never expected that (and I am still getting major "I love and miss you's" with every convo, so I keep them short and spread far apart), but am glad he seems to accept that.<br />
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The ductal tumor they found was very deep, .7cm long, .4cm wide. Wouldn't have found it until it was quite well established, so don't skip your mammograms, ladies!<br />
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My ex <i>is </i>upset about the breast cancer, and I am SO GLAD I am no longer under the same roof as him. I believe the constant tension and conflicts would be enough of a drain on my spirits and body that I would become one of the 1% who manage to <strike>escape life</strike> die from this.<br />
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While there's no way to tell for certain when my cancer began, best estimates are 6-10 years ago. When I was with my ex - though I'm not saying "my ex gave me cancer!" But it is highly likely, IMO, that the stress and constant tension impaired my immune system, so it didn't catch and destroy the cancer cells when there were only a few of them.<br />
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I do know that living in stressful situations can make you gain - or lose weight, develop high blood pressure, and have many other bad effects on our health.<br />
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But for now, though I am heavy, I am also pretty healthy, apart from the BC. Good blood pressure, decent cholesterol levels.strong, good energy, all parts more or less work. Some work <i>great </i>[naughty smile here].<br />
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I feel... FABULOUS. Loved and supported and getting healthier and truly blessed.<br />
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In honesty... my boob hurts, despite frequent reapplication of boob cream. I'm not looking forward to give more weeks of radiation, when it's this tender already. Though maybe it will toughen up...? (If my hope is misplaced, don't tell me - let me live the dream!)<br />
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Still, emotionally, I feel good, happy, upbeat. Loved by the world, and oddly enough, by <i>myself</i>. One of my new boyfriends (yes, there's more than one) calls me "Sunshine."<br />
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I will check back here periodically, but not sure how often it'll be. Between BC and BF's (boyfriends), I expect to be pretty busy the next several months.<br />
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My heart still goes out to all of you battling ocpd, as people with it, as people who love someone with it. I hope with every fiber of my body that we find a cure or treatment for it. Too many wonderful people are damaged by it. {{{{{hugs}}}}}<br />
<br />The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-38054915126706937242014-08-17T21:36:00.000-07:002014-08-17T21:36:00.057-07:00Mourning #RobinWilliams - But Not My Father<div style="text-align: right;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:MorkMindy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:right;"><img alt="Robin Williams and Pam Dawber as Mork and Mindy" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted zemanta-img-configured" height="181" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/e/e7/MorkMindy.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 320px;">Robin Williams and Pam Dawber <br />as Mork and Mindy <br />(Photo credit: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:MorkMindy.jpg" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
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I know that a lot of people who didn't know him personally felt trashed by <a class="zem_slink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams" rel="wikipedia" target="_blank" title="Robin Williams">Robin Williams</a>' suicide. As did I.<br />
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But it bugged me. Why?<br />
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And I felt guilty, because a few years ago this month, my father passed, and mostly, my reaction was "Good riddance to bad rubbish!"<br />
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Which is not entirely fair, as my father did have his good qualities, even if it doesn't take more than one handful of fingers to enumerate them.<br />
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Still. I <i>loved </i>Robin Williams. My heart still aches with what his loss means to me, and what it must mean to his kids, his wives (past and present), and to his friends.<br />
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But he wouldn't have known ME if I'd gone up to him on the street and bit him in the ass.<br />
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What dawned on me was something another amazing, recently passed person said.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mHi_vCefZO4/U_DDp1pCwJI/AAAAAAAAA8c/3VC0t8gPwWs/s1600/Maya%2BA-How%2Byou%2Bmade%2Bthem%2Bfeel.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mHi_vCefZO4/U_DDp1pCwJI/AAAAAAAAA8c/3VC0t8gPwWs/s1600/Maya%2BA-How%2Byou%2Bmade%2Bthem%2Bfeel.png" height="272" width="400" /></a></div>
You see, on rare occasions, my father made me feel happy or good about myself. Mostly, he made me feel like crap, an inconvenience, a burden, something in the way.<br />
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Robin Williams Made Me Happy</h3>
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From <i><a class="zem_slink" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077053/" rel="imdb" target="_blank" title="Mork & Mindy">Mork & Mindy</a></i> to Genie from <i><a class="zem_slink" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103639/" rel="imdb" target="_blank" title="Aladdin (1992 Disney film)">Aladdin</a></i>, Robin Williams made me laugh. The first non-musical album I blew my rent and grocery money on was his: "Reality... What a Concept."<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img zemanta-action-dragged" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Robinwilliams_aladdin.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:right;"><img alt="List of Disney's Aladdin characters" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="164" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/bd/Robinwilliams_aladdin.JPG" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 302px;">List of Disney's Aladdin characters <br />Photo credit: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Robinwilliams_aladdin.JPG" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
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Sometimes he made me cry, in works like <i><a class="zem_slink" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101889/" rel="imdb" target="_blank" title="The Fisher King">The Fisher King</a></i> and <i><a class="zem_slink" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097165/" rel="imdb" target="_blank" title="Dead Poets Society">Dead Poets Society</a></i> and <i><a class="zem_slink" href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Dreams-Come-Robin-Williams/dp/B00007GZR5%3FSubscriptionId%3D0G81C5DAZ03ZR9WH9X82%26tag%3Dzemanta-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3DB00007GZR5" rel="amazon" target="_blank" title="What Dreams May Come">What Dreams May Come</a></i>, but it was always a <i>good </i>kind of crying, if that makes sense.<br />
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I probably spent more hours, total, with Robin Williams than I did with my father. And unlike time with my father, my time with Robin was always positive. His innate kindness always shone through everything he did. I always looked forward to the next movie or show or comedy routine or video clip.<br />
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And so, I'm re-examining my own life. As my oldest sister recovers from cancer - she's currently considered in full remission, yay, I think about her, and my other sister, and who <i>I</i> want to be.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Robin_Williams_Aviano.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:right;"><img alt="AVIANO AIR BASE, Italy-- Comedian Robin Willia..." border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="400" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/1b/Robin_Williams_Aviano.jpg/350px-Robin_Williams_Aviano.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="265" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 350px;">AVIANO AIR BASE, Italy-- Comedian Robin Williams <br />performs as part of a USO holiday show held for <br />the Aviano community, Dec. 22, 2007. <br />(Photo credit: <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Robin_Williams_Aviano.jpg" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
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One of my sisters always uses a cheery tone, a smile you can hear in her voice, and will say, "Hello, my sister! It's so <i>good </i>to hear your voice."<br />
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The other sister often begins a litany of complaints within minutes, if not upon first greeting, which at least half of the time sounds tense, as if the call is an annoyance.<br />
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Guess which sister I want to emulate?<br />
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While I don't plan on dying any time soon, and am taking various steps to better care for myself, I want to be like Robin Williams and my happy-voice sister. I want people to be <i>trashed </i>when I die, because they're going to miss me.<br />
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Because I made them feel good.<br />
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<i>How did you feel about the death of Robin Williams, <br />when you first heard?</i></div>
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<i>How do you feel about it now?</i></div>
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<i>Do you make people feel more good, than otherwise, <br />or are you not sure?</i></div>
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<i>You thoughts?</i></div>
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The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-12050981848707244482014-08-03T14:47:00.001-07:002014-08-03T14:47:16.408-07:00Purge, Baby, Purge!<div style="text-align: right;">
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I've always had a sneaking sympathy toward hoarders, because in my own life, it's often, very, very hard for me to get rid of material possessions.<br />
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Every object has bound up in it a thousand memories, or so it seems. If I throw them away, it feels like I am ripping away a part of myself.<br />
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Take these programs. Many, many moons ago, I was falling deeply in love with This Guy, and This Guy and I went to these shows together.<br />
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<b><i>Are we together now?</i></b> No.<br />
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<b><i>Are we likely together to be together anytime in the foreseeable future?</i></b> No.<br />
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<b><i>What is the feeling when I look at them?</i></b> Pain, rejection, regret.<br />
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<b><i>So I was holding onto them because....? </i></b>Who knows - I'm a stupid masochist?<br />
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<b><i>Will I forget the good times we shared, if I don't have the keepsakes any longer?</i></b> Unless I get Altzheimers, not damn likely.<br />
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<b><i>So I am cluttering up my home with them because...?</i></b><br />
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Hello, shredder, goodbye, flyers.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yX_s4-1JksY/U96qdJ82VII/AAAAAAAAA7o/_I3-YAY2sIU/s1600/Shredder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yX_s4-1JksY/U96qdJ82VII/AAAAAAAAA7o/_I3-YAY2sIU/s1600/Shredder.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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I have this towel, that every time I look at it, gives me a twinge of pain.<br />
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Goodbye, towel that I bought for Guy to use when we went camping together. Hello, Goodwill donation!<br />
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All those pictures of me and (another) ex in my family photos frames? Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.<br />
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Part of this hoarding thing, of course, is inertia. It takes a fair amount of work to take the photo collages off the wall, to choose new photographs that already are or can be resized to replace the old ones. Easier to just let the old ones stay hanging out on the wall. And, bite me, I gotta go buy new INK cartridges before I can print out my new photos!<br />
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Yet. If I want, someday, to bring a new lover into my life (and I do), it's not a real promising start if I am bringing him into an environment overflowing with pictures and keepsakes from ex-boyfriends.<br />
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I wouldn't react very positively if the situation was reversed. *I* don't want to visit a new flame's home and feel like it is so crowded with keepsakes and memorabilia of bitches from his prior life that I would have to wedge myself into a small, unobtrusive corner.<br />
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Everybody i carrying around baggage, But do we have to keep it on display in the living room?<br />
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Prolly not.<br />
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In other personal news:<br />
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My sister's cancer is officially in remission. Yay!<br />
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A second "celebration of life" was held for my brother-in-love in Sequoia National Forest. It was beautiful, and sometimes fraught with small personal dramas, and many tears. I miss him, and it hurts.<br />
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All my loved ones are all now moving forward with life, love, and dealing with our personal angels and demons.<br />
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As do we all, every day.<br />
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<i>Hugs and healing to you.</i></div>
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<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
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The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-87166108581774646972014-05-04T17:20:00.003-07:002014-05-04T17:20:28.665-07:00Back in the Saddle?<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/10501805@N04/5622942677" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:right;"><img alt="April 15-3" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted zemanta-img-configured" height="320" src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5302/5622942677_1522b8f4d4_n.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 213px;">April 15-3 (Photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/10501805@N04/5622942677" target="_blank">cj&erson</a>)</td></tr>
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Not quite, but soon. This spring has been one that has been overwhelming, as I coped with:<br />
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<li>Extremely demanding day job (hint: no let-up until April 15).</li>
<li>Oldest sister undergoing chemo treatment for a rare form of cancer.</li>
<li>Her husband simultaneously declining in health due to a stroke combined with a failing liver. He required 24/7 nursing care, and was released from the hospital in February. While I was mostly only able to help on the weekends, I also became airport shuttle for family members flying in to help care for him.<br /><br />He passed on April 19.</li>
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Since this ordeal began, I've not had the time, energy, nor motivation to write, neither here nor elsewhere, but I am beginning to feel "stirrings" again.<br />
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In the meantime, we have held the first of two memorials/"celebrations of life" for my brother-in-<strike>law</strike>love. He was a beautiful, if damaged soul, who entered my life when I was four, so, yes, I am deeply grieving, even if also relieved he is no longer in pain nor struggling for breath. And our family awaits word on the latest tests that may indicate whether my sister's cancer is in remission... Or not.<br />
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In the meantime, I'm reading "<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18405476-your-mind-is-what-your-brain-does-for-a-living" target="_blank">Your Mind is What Your Brain Does For a Living</a>" which offers a mix of memoir, CBT, mindfulness exercises, and transactional analysis. So far, it is neither blowing me out of the water with new insight, nor gluing me to the page with the brilliance of the writing; HOWEVER, for those battling ocpd, it may offer important tips for <i>you</i>.<br />
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Sometimes it just takes looking at something from a different angle for the light bulbs to go off. There's a heavy focus on computer programming analogies and understanding how the brain is wired, and can be REwired, that could potentially be helpful.<br />
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Wishing health and healing to all my readers, and their loved ones. I'll be back when I can.<br />
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The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-49299409740453491942014-02-09T16:20:00.000-08:002014-02-09T16:20:07.943-08:00Olympic Twizzles vs. OCPD<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: right; margin-right: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center;">Figure Skating Queen YUNA KIM <br />
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As I write this, I'm enjoying the 2014 Winter Olympics.<br />
<br />
Years ago, I fell in love with figure skating and ice dancing. I attended actual in-person ice shows. Watched the Nationals on TV, and every bit of the Olympics for these sports. Bought videotapes so I could watch performances over and over again.<br />
<br />
I admired all the other Winter Olympic sports, too, from short track racing to ski jumping and moguls, even the weird stuff like the biathlon, because doesn't everyone need to ski, then target shoot?<br />
<br />
I'm reflecting now, about the very first Olympics I remember watching as a child. At some point, as I watched the Opening Ceremonies, as I watched the tears roll down the face of the athletes from other countries on the medal platforms when their national anthems were played, I realized that <i>they </i>loved their native countries as much as I loved the <a class="zem_slink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States" rel="wikipedia" target="_blank" title="United States">USA</a>.<br />
<br />
Up to that point, I always "knew" that the best country in the world to live in was the USA, and I felt a kind of smug compassion for all those unfortunate people in inferior countries who couldn't also be Americans.<br />
<br />
Suddenly I was faced with the idea that were people who believed that <i>they </i>lived in the best country in the world (however mistaken they might be).<br />
<br />
And I realized that my perspective was just that: MY perspective.<br />
<br />
One that others didn't always share.<br />
<br />
Four years ago when the last Winter Olympics were held, I was still "with" my OCPD ex. As I was for the 2006 Winter Olympics.<br />
<br />
<h3>
It's okay that my ex didn't love ice dancing.</h3>
<br />
I fell in love, some years after their incredible performance, with <a class="zem_slink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torvill_and_Dean" rel="wikipedia" target="_blank" title="Torvill and Dean">Torvill and Dean</a>. I always loved (and never felt competent at) dancing, in any form. But the two of them left me breathless.<br />
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<br />
But ice dancing, and in second place in my heart, all the other artistic ice sports: individual female and male competition pairs figure skating, I couldn't get enough of.<br />
<br />
I "got" that he didn't want to watch it, 24/7, as would have made <i>me </i>happy.<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
The problem was, he wouldn't let me watch any of it.</h3>
<br />
When I wanted to enjoy these programs, something always came up. sex; he "wasn't in the mood" for it right now; he had something else he wanted to watch (like a "Cops" rerun he could've watched any time).<br />
<br />
It was like Alice at the Mad Tea Party: Jam yesterday, jam tomorrow, but never jam today.<br />
<br />
When I pressed to watch ice dancing, or figure skating, on "our" TV via the cable <i>I</i> was paying for, that never happened.<br />
<br />
Because, not knowing any better, I initially gave in... Certainly <i>he </i>was more important to me than watching some sports program on TV. Even one I loved. Even though I put up with and tried hard to love the NASCAR races that <i>he </i>loved, and it seemed only fair that he would try to like something I loved, or at least, to <i>tolerate </i>it.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 350px;">Cropped transparent version of Image:Olympic flag.svg (Photo credit: <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Olympic_rings.svg" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
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<br />
<h3>
I'm happy, now, watching these competitions. And I'm sad.</h3>
<br />
I still think ice dancing and figure skating are breathtaking and beautiful, and I love watching them. But I am sad, too, thinking of my ex.<br />
<br />
I don't know why my ex couldn't "let me" enjoy something I loved. Did he feel that he was robbed of something, was he jealous? Was it demand resistance - because he knew he "owed it to me" to be as tolerant as I was of his love for NASCAR, did that unspoken expectation get in the way? Did he have some secret ice skating trauma he never shared with me?<br />
<br />
Ashley Wagner skated her short program to Pink Floyd's <i>Shine On, You Crazy Diamond</i>. He loves Pink Floyd... you'd think it wouldn't be that far a stretch for him, for anyone who loves music, to appreciate an artistic interpretation of some of his favorite music.<br />
<br />
But it was.<br />
<br />
OCPD, its rigidity, control issues, and demand resistance, means those who suffer from it - and their loved ones - miss out of so many of the pleasurable things in life, because they are not on the list, not permitted, too frivolous...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
And in other news...</h3>
<br />
My sister is in the middle of her chemotherapy. Although my brother-in-law has been diagnosed as being in end-stage liver disease (in addition to his stroke), we hope he'll be discharged this week. Family well-being has occupied much of my time and energy, but this blog is NOT abandoned.<br />
<br />
Thanks for for love and support.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Your thoughts?</i><br />
<br />
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The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-58515365754554638122014-01-08T13:17:00.000-08:002014-01-08T13:17:05.131-08:00Neglected, Not Abandoned<div style="text-align: right;">
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Greetings, my long-neglected friends.<br />
<br />
I have <i>not </i>abandoned this blog.<br />
<br />
I have, however, been dealing with some personal issues, from frozen shoulder (still healing) to more serious family issues. Just days after my sister underwent major surgery for gall bladder cancer, her husband suffered a major stroke. <i>He </i>is still hospitalized, and she begins heavy-duty chemo-therapy later this month.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 302px;">http://training.seer.cancer.gov/module_anatomy/images/illu_pancrease.jpg (Photo credit: <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Illu_pancrease.svg" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
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<br />
And another family member experienced his first bi-polar manic episode, a baddie. Yep, it does feel like it's all being piled on for our family right now. Physically, emotionally, and mentally, it's putting us all to the test. Have enjoyed, even in this rough time, a sense of family cohesion and support that is truly beautiful and a blessing.<br />
<br />
I can now don a disposable hospital gown and a set of gloves in seconds flat, and discuss the good and bad points for both USC-Keck and UCLA-Ronald Reagan ICU and regular hospital rooms. Staff at both facilities has been both skilled and supportive.<br />
<br />
Lessons I've learned and shared here will continue to help me, and I am making sure to get enough water, as much rest as possible (lately having a lot of dreams, some good, some horrifying), and eating well, and drinking juices full of anti-oxidants.<br />
<br />
Hope you are likewise taking the best care of yourself possible. I'll be back when time/energy permits.<br />
<br />
Namaste.<br />
<br />
<br />
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The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-21507846719055530832013-10-31T11:59:00.001-07:002013-10-31T11:59:13.239-07:00What Did You Get in Your Bag? A #Fat-Shaming Letter!Everybody who's ever been an American kid can remember the thrill of Halloween: the excitement of deciding what to "be," the fun of dressing up and showing off to our grandparents and teachers, the excitement of going door to door "in disguise" to get treats from the neighbors.<br />
<br />
And remember this part? Comparing the goodies with our friends?<br />
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<br />
This year, there's a nasty letter circulating on the 'net, that some woman calling herself "Cheryl" purportedly claimed to a radio station that she intended to hand out to those children she deems "moderately obese," instead of candy.<br />
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<br />
<h3>
<i>My </i>hope is that "Cheryl" really enjoys cleaning TP and eggs off the side of her house.</h3>
<br />
What makes the Charlie Brown clip funny, is that we know and trust that adults wouldn't <i>really </i>give some kids candy, and give another child a rock. The inherent unfairness is obvious.<br />
<br />
<br />
Now, there is some chatter that "Cheryl," and the letter itself, are a prank and it's <i>not </i>going to be passed out to kids after all. This is a good thing.<br />
<br />
But here's what I find disturbing and a sign of sickness in our society.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">That while most people are in agreement that the idea is horrific and cruel, a minority are <i>openly expressing their support for "Cheryl" and this letter. </i>They think the way to solve childhood obesity is by shaming fat children.</span><br />
<br />
<h3>
</h3>
Basically, fat people in our society are treated much like Jews in early 1930's Germany - it was not only accepted, but <i>expected </i>you would harass them. (Mind you, I'm talking about the time <i>before </i>Jews and many other people were rounded up and sent to concentration camps, when they were "only" being spit on and beat up.)<br />
<br />
Like Jews wearing a yellow star, or people of color living in a primarily white-skinned community, or those in a wheelchair, fat people never "pass" as "normal" people.<br />
<br />
<h3>
But unlike being a person of color or Jewish, being fat is a <i>choice</i>, right?</h3>
<br />
Actually, scientific evidence is pointing to many signs that obesity is very complicated. There are genetic factors, environmental factors, links to the influence of various poisons and chemicals that now permeate our bodies in a way they didn't a few hundred years ago. And there is <i>also </i>substantial evidence that people on various medicines "blow up" or <i>lose</i> weight, and it has nothing to do with willpower, diet or exercise. In a poignant <a href="http://writinginflow.blogspot.com/2013/10/happy-fat-shaming-halloween-bodyimage.html" target="_blank">rant on my other blog</a>, TL Hamrick said:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">As a person who was painfully thin until my early twenties, and struggled (and still struggle) with weight, especially at about age 30, when my PCOS went into full swing. I spent a good part of my 30's overweight or obese, lost weight, kept it off for about 2 years, received a treatment/implant that caused my diet/exercise to fail and gained it all back, plus... and lost it again. Now I am on the too skinny side due to a serious health issue that I am recovering from, and will I ever be morbidly obese again?</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I hope not. But... if I am, I will continue my striving for health at any weight, and the body comments? Do. Not. Want.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Shaming People Doesn't Work - But Let's Do It Anyway</h3>
</div>
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<br />
Let's put aside medical issues, and all the other reason people may be too fat. Let's accept (for a moment) the premise that there are many people who CHOOSE to be overweight because they are lazy and undisciplined, yada yada. Let's accept the (now scientifically disputed) premise that being even moderately overweight is unhealthy.<br />
<br />
Therefore, as a society, we want to help these people lose weight.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What's the best way we, as a society can do this?<br />
<br />
Scientific studies (I know, again with the science!) point out that shaming, whether self-shaming or shaming by frenemies and outsiders, not only doesn't work for long-term weight loss, <i>it actually has been proven to have the opposite effect.</i><br />
<br />
Okay. So when we point out to people that a) people are fat for many different reasons, and b) fat-shaming doesn't work, they stop, right?<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
That Would Make Sense, But No</h3>
<br />
I have found, though engaging with people on places like FaceBook and various chat boards, there are some people (OCPD? who knows?) who <i>insist </i>on their right to continue bullying fat people, even fat <i>children</i>, because "they are disgusting." Because "it's for their own good."<br />
<br />
They express every intention to <i>continue </i>to hate on fat people, <i>even fat children</i>, who are at the mercy of genes, medicine, and parental control, for being fat. While at the same time, they want to assume the high moral ground. They want credit for being "good people," they are deeply offended when people call <i>them </i>even mild things like cruel or "willfully ignorant" or bullies.<br />
<br />
<b>But they <i>are </i>bullies.</b><br />
<br />
My ex was like this, too, and that's one of many reasons he is my ex. <i>He </i>thought he was doing me a favor when he would tell me that I would look really good "if you lost another ten pounds" or when, if I dared to eat a modest lunch, he'd curl his lip in disgust and make a comment about me "pigging out again."<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
Even when I tried to talk to him about how harmful what he was doing was, to me and to our relationship, he could <i>not </i>adjust his settings.<br />
<br />
If you are one of those people who feels justified in making negative comments about fat people (or skinny people, or white people, black people, people of a different religion, whatever), it's not because THEY have a problem.<br />
<br />
It's because you do.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Have you ever been bullied about your weight?</i></div>
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<i>Are you aware when a fat-shaming message comes out of your mouth?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
<br />
<br /></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-83306721002852710252013-09-06T08:40:00.000-07:002013-09-06T08:40:13.868-07:00When The Body Says No<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;">When we have been prevented from learning how to say no, our bodies may end up saying it for us.</span></span></blockquote>
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Why
do some people get sick, become disabled, or even die from diseases
like cancer, ALS, Alzheimer's, while others with the same exposure to
environmental toxins never get sick? Why do some people get cancer that
goes into remission, and others, like my mother, die from it?</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Studies
at the US National Cancer Institute found that natural killer (NK)
cells, an important class of immune cells we have already met, are more
active in breast cancer patients who were able to express anger, to
adopt a fighting stance and who have more social support.... The
researchers found that emotional factors and social involvement were
more important to survival than the degree of disease itself. </blockquote>
<br />
I
am still working to absorb and learn the many lessons this book
presents, both for myself as a human being, as a daughter trying to come
to terms with the death of my mother and of others I've loved, and
(probably least importantly) as a writer trying to create believable
characters. <br />
<br />
We often treat our bodies as if they are
separate from our hearts, minds, and emotions, kind of like a biological
automobile. As if a health "breakdown" is a purely mechanical problem
that can be fixed by diet, exercise, the right pills, and adjusting air
pressure in the tires. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;">Reality: Emotions affect the body.</span></span></div>
<br />
Watch
a scary movie. Even though you are in no physical danger, doesn't your
heart pound, your breath get tight in your chest? Read a sexy novel. If
it's good enough, you'll feel rigidity in certain body parts, wetness in
others. Receive a gift. From your partner, tickets for a dream vacation
may make you feel happy and excited; from your cat, a squirming rat may
make you feel queasy.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470923350/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0470923350&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank"><i><b>When the Body Says NO</b></i></a> examines studies and examples of <i>psychoneuroimmunoendocrinology</i>:
the way the body's nervous system, immune defenses and endocrine or
hormonal apparatus all work together. (Called the PNI system in short,
because <i>psychoneuroimmunoendocrinology </i>is a mouthful.) It looks
at patients for whom Dr. Maté has consulted, as well as more famous case
studies, from Stephen Hawking (ALS) to Betty Ford (substance abuse,
breast cancer) to Gilda Radner (ovarian cancer, bulimia) to Ronald
Reagan (Alzheimer's).<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Stress - More Than A Feelin' </h3>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Stress
consists of the internal alterations – physical or not – that occur when
the organism perceives a threat to its existence or well-being. </blockquote>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">via <a href="http://inserbia.info/" target="_blank">inserbia.info</a></td></tr>
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Stress - if a bear appears - can save your life.
Stress triggers the PNI system to send, "Let's get the hell out of
Dodge!" or "Stand and fight!" messages throughout the body.<br />
<br />
Just
like circulation to the extremities will shut down in freezing
temperatures, because you can survive without a toe, or two, stress
(temporarily) shuts down the systems that kill cancer cells or other
long-term threats, process food products in the digestive tract, and
more. Like Scotty on Star Trek diverting all energies to the warp drive,
your body gives "all she's got, Captain" where <i>it</i> thinks it will be needed, on a totally automatic level.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The
stress response is nonspecific. It may be triggered in reaction to any
attack – physical, biological, chemical or psychological – or in
response to any <i>perception </i>of attacker threat, conscious or
unconscious. The essence of threat is a destabilization of the body’s
homeostasis, the relatively narrow range of physiological conditions
within which the organism can survive and function. To facilitate fight
or escape, what needs to be diverted from the internal organs and
muscles, and the heart needs to pump faster.</blockquote>
<br />
Whenever stress occurs, even when we don't consciously <i>feel </i>stressed, changes occur in our bodies.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<h3>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: blue;">Stress, as we will define it, it is not a matter of subjective feeling.
It is a measurable set of objective physiological events in the body,
involving the brain, the hormonal apparatus, the immune system and many
other organs. Both animals and people can experience stress with no
awareness of its presence. </span></span></h3>
</blockquote>
<i><b>That whole "with no awareness of its presence" aspect cannot be overemphasized.</b></i>
The physiological effect on the body is the same whether we are aware
or unaware of stress. Especially for children who experience recurring
stress, the state of being stressed can become the New Normal.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Eventually,
having unmet needs or having to meet the needs of others is no longer
experienced as stressful. It feels normal. One is disarmed. </blockquote>
<br />
Recurring
or chronic stress (such as being an abused child, or watching a parent
be habitually abused by his/her partner, while being unable to
intervene), being neglected, leaves permanent marks, both on the immune
system and other bodily defenses (think of the story of the Boy Who
Cried Wolf), and in the relationship patterns we form later in life. We
are more likely to choose life partners whose behaviors mirror those we
knew growing up, whether those behaviors were healthy or unhealthy.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
For those habituated to high levels of internal stress since
early childhood, it is the absence of stress that creates unease, evoking
boredom and a sense of meaninglessness. People may become addicted to
their own stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol... To such persons stress
feels desirable, while the absence of it feels like something to be
avoided.</blockquote>
<b>Chronic stress actually changes the way our brains function. </b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
In
people who’ve experienced chronic stress, the prefrontal cortex and
related structures remain in a state of hypervigilance, on the lookout
for danger. Pre-frontal activation is not a conscious decision by the
individual; rather, it is the result of the automatic triggering of
nerves pathways program long ago. </blockquote>
In situations
where the body's balance is continually disrupted in response to a
perceived threat, the balance of the body is thrown out of whack, And
whenever that happens, cancer, or other long-term diseases, have the
perfect opening to take over. <br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Natural Born Killers - The Body's Best Friend</h3>
<br />
In a healthy body, there are NK cells, which serve as the body's Angels of Death.<br />
<br />
Just
like in any factory, the body frequently produces cells which which
would be labeled abnormal or flawed, but inside the body, there is no TJ
Maxx or Nordstrom's Rack to send "irregular" material.<br />
<br />
NK
cells track down abnormal cells, such as cancer cells and destroys
them, so that the majority of cells in the body are healthy and
functional.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/HNP1EAYLhOs" width="420"></iframe>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
There
have been many cases where the NK cells have caused full remission of
cancer, most significantly in cases of melanoma (skin cancer). Why <i>this </i>cancer and not others? <b>Why in some cases and not others?</b>
It can't be wholly attributed to DNA, environmental toxins (or lack
thereof), but to family systems and work environment systems.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470923350/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0470923350&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank"><i><b>When the Body Says No</b></i></a>
refers to several studies in which tiny clumps of cancer are often
found in an elderly person's body after death from other causes. Perhaps
as we age we all have tiny clusters of cancer growing in our bodies,
which our NK cells routinely eliminate before they are large enough to
be detected.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
In short, for cancer
causation it is not enough that DNA damage occur: also necessary is
failure of DNA repair and/or an impairment of regulated cell death.
Stress and the repression of emotion can negatively affect both of those
processes. </blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<h3>
The Blame Game</h3>
<br />
On thing that has made me uneasy in reading similar books, such as Louise Hay's <i>You Can Heal Your Life,</i>
is my perception (or misperception, perhaps) that the victim was being
blamed for his/her own illness. Dr. Maté debunks that idea:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;">Blaming the sufferer – apart from being morally obtuse – is completely unfounded from a scientific point of view.</span></span></blockquote>
He doesn't even jump on the easy way many shrinks do - <i>it's all the mothers' fault.</i> While be acknowledges that hurts/patterns learned during childhood or generationally may have a lasting effect:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Emotionally
draining family relationships have been identified as risk factors in
virtually every category of major illness, degenerative neurological
conditions to cancer and autoimmune disease. The purpose is not to blame
parents or previous generations or spouses but to enable us to discard
beliefs that prove dangerous to our health.</blockquote>
<br />
The point of doing so is that we can <i>recognize </i>and <i>interrupt </i>those patterns, rather than repeat them.<br />
<br />
We
are not doomed, the helpless victims of our genes and environmental
toxins and terrible childhoods, destined to get sick and not be able to
do anything about it. I think that's a <i>good </i>message.<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Differentiation: Dance Space of Champions</h3>
<br />
Remember the wonderful rehearsal scene in Dirty Dancing where Johnny (Patrick Swayze) explains to Baby (Jennifer Grey) "This is <i>my </i>dance space, that is <i>your </i>dance space"? Everyone needs good physical and emotional boundaries to be healthy.<br />
<br />
When
we are born, we have no boundaries. We assume the whole world,
including Mother, revolves around US. We don't understand or realize
that Mother is a separate being, that she doesn't feel our hunger, wet
diaper, tummy cramps at the same instance we feel them. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
A fundamental concept in family systems theory is <i>differentiation</i>,
defined as “the ability to be in emotional contact with others yet
still autonomous in one's emotional functioning.” The poorly
differentiated person “lacks an emotional boundary between himself and
others and lacks a ‘boundary’ that prevents his thinking process from
being overwhelmed by his emotional feeling process. He automatically
absorbs anxiety from others and generates considerable anxiety within
himself.” </blockquote>
Later, we realize that when we are scared,
hurt, cold, etc., Mother doesn't necessarily share our feelings. Just
as we don't share her<i> </i>feelings. But in some cases, we will be emotionally enmeshed with Mother (or Father) and take on the role of protecting <i>her</i>:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The
child of an unhappy mother will try to take care of her by suppressing
his distress so as not to burden her further. His role is to be
self-sufficient and not “needy”...</blockquote>
<br />
What it all boils down to is a lack of clear boundaries.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;">Boundaries are that thing that says: </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;">This is <i>my </i>dance space, this is <i>your </i>dance space. </span></span></div>
<br />
When
boundaries get confused within the body itself, when the body cannot
recognize, "This is ME; this is Other," then we get diseases where the
body's immune system doesn't defend against intruders, but is so
confused it attacks its own cells, as is the case in MS, ALS,
schleroderma, and other auto-immune diseases.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Anger - The Emotion We Love to Hate</h3>
<br />
Especially as
women, we are socially conditioned to think of anger as a "negative"
emotion. If we are "nice girls/women," we won't <i>get </i>angry with people.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“I
never get angry,” a Woody Allen character says in one of his movies, “I
grow a tumor instead.” Throughout this book we've seen the truth of
that droll remark in numerous studies of cancer patients.</blockquote>
<br />
Here's the problem: we can't control <i>being </i>angry.
Anger, according to this and other research, is the natural reaction of
an organism to perceived loss, or threat of loss. Picture an angry wild
animal warning another off his/her kill (see the bear, above). Usually
animals do <i>not </i>fight to the death over a meal or a mate, but the
creature with the biggest display of anger wins. "I won't let you take
this from me" is the message.<br />
<br />
Being angry is not about being a Mean Girl. It is <i>not </i>about going into a rage. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If
you ask in physical, physiological terms what they are experiencing in
their body when they feel rage, for the most part, people describe
anxiety in one form or another.</blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;">Allowing oneself to feel angry in the appropriate circumstances can be an empowering experience.</span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The
repression of anger and the unregulated acting out of it are both
examples of the abnormal release of emotions that is at the root of
disease.... The real experience of anger “is physiologic experience
without acting out. The experience is one of a surge of power going
through the system along with the mobilization to attack. <i>There is, simultaneously the complete disappearance of all anxiety.”</i></blockquote>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8A-trPr8lSw/UgcwOn1ccoI/AAAAAAAABwg/xkpv21SGV0A/s1600/Sid+Caricature+-+cropped.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8A-trPr8lSw/UgcwOn1ccoI/AAAAAAAABwg/xkpv21SGV0A/s1600/Sid+Caricature+-+cropped.jpg" /></a></div>
I had just finished reading <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470923350/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0470923350&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank"><i><b>When the Body Says No</b></i></a>,
when in October 2012, my super-kind, beautiful friend Sidney Patrick
died of a heart attack, in large part due to cirrhosis of the liver. <i>She was 43.</i><br />
<br />
She
epitomized the disease-sufferer profiled within this book; swallowing
feelings with food, drugs, or alcohol, always being kind and supportive <i>of everyone but herself.</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The
inability to process and express feelings effectively, and the tendency
to serve the needs of others before even considering one’s own, are
common patterns in people who develop chronic illness. These coping
styles represent a blurring of boundaries, the confusion of self and
non-self on the psychological level. <i><br /></i></blockquote>
<br />
I remember telling Sid's mother, shortly after Sid passed, "I am <i>so angry</i>." I was hurt, I was grieving, but over all, I felt <i>so angry</i> at the waste, at being deprived of my friend, who I loved and needed.<br />
<br />
I remember so many conversations with Sid; whenever the subject would turn to <i>her</i>,
she would divert the conversation as swiftly as possible to other
people. She was wholly uncomfortable addressing her own needs, hurts,
and dreams. Her long-term boyfriend was mentally ill, often called her
names and verbally abused her, even when she was in the hospital, yet
she did not want to be cruel enough to "abandon" him. <br />
<br />
She did, belatedly, realize that something had to change. After being released from the hospital in August 2012, she told me,<i><b>"If I stay with him, it's going to kill me."</b></i><br />
<br />
That
is the exact same feeling I had, after being diagnosed in 2009 with
"unusual" breast lumps and cysts, which spurred me to break with my
then-boyfriend in 2010. <br />
<br />
Sadly, Sid was right. She left him in September 2012. If only she had left a month or two earlier...<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Betty Ford, Betty Koschin Diehl, and Breast Cancer</h3>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RZmpgiX2jdY/UgcrDnosa_I/AAAAAAAABwQ/qLYCZ5GBOX4/s1600/Mom+-+Coast+Guard.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RZmpgiX2jdY/UgcrDnosa_I/AAAAAAAABwQ/qLYCZ5GBOX4/s1600/Mom+-+Coast+Guard.jpg" /></a></div>
<b>Betty Ford</b> was, of course, the first Lady of the United States of America, wife of a fairly ambitious politician. My mother, <b>Betty Koschin Diehl</b>
was, comparatively, a nobody; eldest daughter in a family of four
children. She signed up to serve in the military (Coast Guard) during
WWII, as did many women. Besides the name, both women were diagnosed
with breast cancer in the same approximate era, and received similar
medical treatment.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Research has
suggested for decades that women are more prone to develop breast cancer
if their childhoods were characterized by emotional disconnection from
their parents or other disturbances in their upbringing; if they tend to
repress emotions, particularly anger; if they lack nurturing social
relationships in adulthood; and if they are the altruistic, compulsively
caregiving types. </blockquote>
Betty Ford's mother was a
perfectionist; Betty never felt as though she measured up to her
mother's standards. Betty Koschin's mother: also harsh and demanding.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The
emotional repression, the harsh self judgment and the perfectionism
Betty Ford acquired as a child, through no fault of her own, are more
than a “good recipe for alcoholism.” They are also a “good recipe” for
cancer of the breast. </blockquote>
Both Betty's had husbands
whose professional and emotional needs came first. My mother suppressed
anger, definitely, though her husband was a "rager." Altruistic,
compulsively caregiving - yep. Additionally, in her last year of life,
my father decided to transplant our family to another state, away from
my mother's supportive network of family and friends.<br />
<br />
My mother's breast cancer, which had been in remission, returned, and killed her. She was 49.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Emotional Competence - Who Dat?</h3>
<br />
The goal of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470923350/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0470923350&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank"><i><b>When the Body Says No</b></i></a>, and <i>life</i>, isn't to whine about what a raw deal we got (think about that scene in <i>Slumdog Millionaire</i> where the way out is through the outhouse), but figure out what tools we do have, and work toward <i>becoming emotionally competent</i>. Regardless of how we were raised, <i>we can do this</i>.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Emotional competence requires<br />
<ul>
<li>the capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware when we are experiencing stress;</li>
<li>the ability to express our emotions effectively and thereby to
assert our needs and to maintain the integrity of our emotional
boundaries;</li>
<li>the facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are
pertinent to the present situation and those that represent residue
from the past. What we want and demand from the world needs to conform
to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from
childhood. If the situations between past and present blur, we will
perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and</li>
<li>the awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction,
rather than the repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or
approval of others.</li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
<br />
We may have had little control about
what happened to us as children, but we can take control of how we
handle our emotions now. By taking control, that doesn't mean pretending
life is all kittens and rainbows, or suppressing "negative" emotions
like anger or fear, but learning to recognize what we feel, when we feel
it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470923350/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0470923350&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank"><i><b>When the Body Says No</b></i></a> closes with seven specific "A" areas of healing:Acceptance, Awareness, Anger:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Since
anger does not exist in a vacuum, if I feel anger it must be in
response to some perception on my part. It may be a response to loss or
the threat of it in a personal relationship, where it may signal a real
or threatened invasion of my boundaries. I am greatly empowered without
harming anyone if I permit myself to experience the anger and to
contemplate what may have triggered it.</blockquote>
Autonomy, Attachment, Assertion, and Affirmation.<br />
<br />
This post is <a href="http://www.writinginflow.blogspot.com/2013/08/this-book-changed-my-life-when-body.html" target="_blank">reblogged with permission from Writing in Flow.</a><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Have you read this book? What did you think?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>How do you deal with anger?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Do you suppress any emotions (that you know of)? </i></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">
<a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/?px" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=5ecfc70a-e0bc-454c-ae06-8975778e5357" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-14045055913511073582013-06-24T05:00:00.000-07:002013-06-24T05:00:16.548-07:00Sewage Pipe or Treasured Gift?<br />
For several years before I began dating my (suspected OCPD) ex, my tabletop Goddess fountain was one of my favorite pieces of ?art? ?soul-nurturing?<br />
<br />
The symbol of a female figure as a constantly renewing spring of life-giving water, inspiration, abundance, and nurturing, is an ancient one. My Goddess fountain became part of a growing impromptu altar, surrounded by candles, flowers, photographs, and small but significant knickknacks.<br />
<br />
At one point in my life, distraught over the breakup of a love relationship, I carelessly reached for some books on a nearby shelf. Several fell on the fountain, breaking her into bits. I glued her back together - seamlessly in some spots, rather crookedly and badly in others. This distressed me, and yet, was quite appropriate, because I felt that my life, too, had been broken and put back together, many times.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h7L0KLxPPdE/UaioSj7TYbI/AAAAAAAAA2Q/LXj8yyzBE60/s1600/2009-12-01+02-16-58_0033.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h7L0KLxPPdE/UaioSj7TYbI/AAAAAAAAA2Q/LXj8yyzBE60/s400/2009-12-01+02-16-58_0033.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You can see the breaks and holes on the right side.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
In the basin of the Goddess's lap, and in the water below her, I placed small stones, rocks, and shells. Some had been gifted to me by friends and family, or gathered with a significance - one from the back yard of my childhood home, for example, or as knickknacks from a place I visited. Others were simply pretty; polished sea glass placed for visual effect.<br />
<br />
When my ex and I decided to move in together, I carefully drained the water, and packed up my Goddess fountain, along with the rocks and shells, a favorite photo of my mother I generally placed near her, and carefully labeled the box. After all, it shouldn't take long before we worked out where everything would go, and she would be flowing again for <i>both </i>of us.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-78ktWZKRGwg/UaioU5NcsKI/AAAAAAAAA2Y/flmhPxnHmV4/s1600/2009-12-01+02-29-02_0035.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-78ktWZKRGwg/UaioU5NcsKI/AAAAAAAAA2Y/flmhPxnHmV4/s400/2009-12-01+02-29-02_0035.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Partway to being reassembled.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
You will not be surprised to find that there was never a "right time" to unpack her, never a good place for her to be set up. As my Goddess fountain stayed boxed, dry, and immobile, I too became increasingly dried up, spiritually, creatively, emotionally, even sexually.<br />
<br />
I'm not saying that one caused the other in some creepy superstitious way, or that my Goddess fountain is possessed of supernatural powers, like the Chuckie doll from the horror movies. Simply that the environment I lived in, with the increasingly anxious and controlling OCPD behaviors of my ex, and my then unaware acquiescence to them, was unwelcoming to a free and joyous spirit. Closed off to spontaneity, creativity, messiness, and free-flowing expression.<br />
<br />
One of the first things I did when I decided to move out, away from my ex, was to choose a location to set up my Goddess fountain once again. Before I even had a bed or a couch! Since at that time we were still "dating," my ex often weighed in with opinions about how I should set up and furnish my new place. Some of it I listened to; other bits I ignored.<br />
<br />
One family in my new apartment complex had a four year old child, who was curious, as kids are, about his new neighbor. I gave him the nickel tour of my new apartment, and he loved the small Goddess fountain I'd set up in my office.<br />
<br />
A few weeks later, he had a present for me, for the fountain, and gave it to me in the presence of my ex. A small shard of broken pottery.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yrFCCMNyP2k/UaioQ1QQxUI/AAAAAAAAA2I/6i-hFIl9c4k/s1600/2009-12-01+02-18-29_0034.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yrFCCMNyP2k/UaioQ1QQxUI/AAAAAAAAA2I/6i-hFIl9c4k/s400/2009-12-01+02-18-29_0034.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
After the child departed, my ex looked at it dubiously. "It looks like a piece of old sewage pipe to me. Yuck. You should throw it away."<br />
<br />
I decided instead to clean it thoroughly, and put it to use. In my most recent cleaning and re-establishing my Goddess fountain, I incorporated several new stones picked up in my travels. And I've been looking at that chunk of terra cotta and contemplating it again.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1CwZwzv8RKE/UaioOu_FjhI/AAAAAAAAA2A/eDPfH3Tms3o/s1600/2009-11-28+20-05-28_0027.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1CwZwzv8RKE/UaioOu_FjhI/AAAAAAAAA2A/eDPfH3Tms3o/s400/2009-11-28+20-05-28_0027.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Health is something I've really decided to focus on this year.<br />The green shale is from Mt. Shasta.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
To me, this piece - of what well may be a chunk of old sewage pipe - is also a symbol of my new life. A gift offered freely, with love, friendship, and childish joy. <i>That's</i> what I want in my life.<br />
<br />
To my ex, it was just some nasty piece of trash, and though I tried to explain to him why it was valuable to me... he didn't get it, <i>couldn't</i> get it.<br />
<br />
That <i></i>sharp difference in philosophy and attitude towards life is why, three years "out" of sharing a home, I haven't regretted a minute of it. I feel deeply sorry for <i>him</i>, because all his rules and obsessions don't make him feel happy, safe, or loved, and never will.<br />
<br />
But <i>I </i>am joyful, creative, and free-flowing, once again.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MU68qwUXbKQ/UaioZvHK3XI/AAAAAAAAA2o/N38IFh921JI/s1600/2009-12-01+02-32-02_0037.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MU68qwUXbKQ/UaioZvHK3XI/AAAAAAAAA2o/N38IFh921JI/s400/2009-12-01+02-32-02_0037.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Clean and reassembled.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FHznKjSjrKo/UaioZ0O18vI/AAAAAAAAA2w/WPx6lhQ9P3w/s1600/2009-12-01+03-14-55_0039.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FHznKjSjrKo/UaioZ0O18vI/AAAAAAAAA2w/WPx6lhQ9P3w/s400/2009-12-01+03-14-55_0039.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The natural beeswax candle I also picked up in recent travels.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Do you have symbols that are significant to you, ridiculed by a partner?<br />(Mind you, I'm not talking about a hoard!)</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>What do you do to keep your life free-flowing and refreshed?</i></div>
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<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
<br />The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-52857394952114987312013-06-09T05:00:00.000-07:002013-06-22T03:33:13.010-07:00Bud Clayman vs. Bradley Cooper<div style="text-align: left;">
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Bradley Cooper is, to conventional wisdom, HAWT. Yet another BC, once upon a time, was also HAWT.<br />
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Here's Bradley Cooper depicting Pat, from Silver Linings Playbook, with Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence and an all-star cast:<br />
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And here's Bud Clayman in <span class="fsl fwb"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/OC87TheMovie" target="_blank">OC87: The Obsessive Compulsive, Major Depression, Bipolar, Asperger's Movie</a></span><br />
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What's the difference, besides Bradley Cooper being an actor who can quickly move on to The Hangover, Part Eleventy-Seven, or the next Hollywood flick?<br />
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Not so very much. As I discovered when my friend Sidney Patrick and I caught a showing of OC 87 on my birthday last June, BC (Bud Clayman) was sexy, charming, and smart... <i>before </i>mental illness tackled him.<br />
<br />
<h3>
There is no vaccine against mental illness.</h3>
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<a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Catherine%2BZeta-Jones" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:left;"><img alt="Catherine Zeta-Jones" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="320" src="http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/126/40055053.png" style="border: medium none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="263" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center;">Cover of <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Catherine%2BZeta-Jones" target="_blank">Catherine Zeta-Jones</a></td></tr>
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It happens to smokin' hot men and sexy girls. (Charlie Sheen and Catherine Zeta-Jones, anyone?)<br />
<br />
It is not nearly as glamorous in real life as in the Hollywood version.<br />
<br />
Drugs have real side effects, like weight gain and sleepiness, which is why many mentally ill people resist or refuse to take them. They also have real co$t$, which is why some people who <i>would </i>take them, if they could only afford then, aren't <i>on </i>their meds, or are taking half the recommended dosage.<br />
<br />
<br />
I was blown away by the lineup of pill bottles prescribed to Bud Clayman, to keep him approaching normalcy.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://oc87.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/bud-meds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="402" src="http://oc87.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/bud-meds.jpg" width="485" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">via <a href="http://oc87.com/photo-gallery" target="_blank">OC87</a></td></tr>
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And yet, I have to applaud Bud's courage in fighting his way back to sanity. It takes a hella lot more courage to swallow the pills, than to <i>not </i>swallow them.<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Wheelchair Warriors Are Our Heroes. The Mentally Disabled? Not so much.</h3>
<br />
Except in Hollywood. Hollywood loves the Drama of Mental Illness. But it generally glosses over the ugly dangly bits. Casts glamorous actors and actresses in the parts of the mentally ill, and almost never allows them to get fat, <i>too </i>dirty, or otherwise unphotogenic.<br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Girl-Interrupted-Winona-Ryder/dp/B00003CWQR%3FSubscriptionId%3D0G81C5DAZ03ZR9WH9X82%26tag%3Dzem-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3DB00003CWQR" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:left;"><img alt="Cover of "Girl, Interrupted"" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="300" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51MoesN3foL._SL300_.jpg" style="border: medium none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="210" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 210px;">Cover of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Girl-Interrupted-Winona-Ryder/dp/B00003CWQR%3FSubscriptionId%3D0G81C5DAZ03ZR9WH9X82%26tag%3Dzem-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3DB00003CWQR" target="_blank">Girl, Interrupted</a></td></tr>
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Maybe you've seen some of these:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Psycho</li>
<li>Sybil</li>
<li>A Beautiful Mind</li>
<li>Girl, Interrupted</li>
<li>Rainman</li>
<li>The Fisher King </li>
<li>One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest</li>
<li>Black Swan</li>
<li>Matchstick Men</li>
<li>The Aviator</li>
<li>Fatal Attraction</li>
<li>Lars and the Real Girl </li>
</ul>
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There are <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_featuring_mental_illness" target="_blank">hundreds more</a>.<br />
<br />
IRL (In Real Life), the people struggling with mental illness or developmental disabilities, like autism, can't call "cut" at the end of the scene and go back to "being normal."<br />
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I very much enjoyed <b><i>Silver Linings Playbooks</i></b>, which I caught on my friend Sid's birthday weekend. Sadly, unlike <a href="http://oc87.com/home" target="_blank"><i><b>OC87</b></i></a> which she and I watched together on <i>my </i>birthday weekend, I had to see Silver Linings without her, because only a few months after OC87, the long term effects of living with a mentally disordered partner, and alcoholism, had taken Sid's life.<br />
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I encourage you to buy, rent, or stream, the much lesser known documentary <a href="http://oc87.com/home" target="_blank">OC87</a>.<br />
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And <b>support mental health issues</b>. Via contributions to <a href="http://nami.org/" target="_blank">NAMI</a>, and encouragement to your government representatives to provide funding and research grants for mental health issues.<br />
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Today, you may be one of the few lucky ones, with no family members or loved ones affected. Tomorrow?<br />
<br /><a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/5667253/?claim=fvm3w2e9ggs">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
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The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-62754034355996939832013-06-05T05:00:00.000-07:002013-06-05T05:00:05.223-07:00Why Does He DO That? Introduction (Part 5)We are reading, and, I hope, entering into a healthy discussion of the book <i><b><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425191656/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0425191656&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank">Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men</a></b></i> by <b><i>Lundy Bancroft</i></b>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><i>Please, do buy your own copy - both because I won't be excerpting all of it, and because this author deserves our $upport.</i></b></span><br />
<br />
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From the <b>Introduction - How To Use This Book</b>: <br />
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<snip> You may feel ashamed of having a partner who sometimes behaves in unkind or bullying ways, and you may fear that people will be critical of you for not leaving him right away. Or you might have the opposite concern: that people around you are so fond of your partner that you question whether they will believe you when you describe how mean or abusive he can be. But, regardless of these anxieties, it is essential <i>not </i>to stay isolated with your distress or confusion about what is happening in your relationship. Find someone whom you can trust - it might even be a person you have never considered opening up to before - and unburden yourself. This is probably the single most critical step you can take toward building a life that is free from control and abuse.<br />
<br />
If your partner’s controlling or devaluing behaviors is chronic, you no doubt find yourself thinking about him a great deal of the time, wondering how to please him, how to keep them from straying, or how to get him to change. As a result, you may find that you don’t get much time to think about <i>yourself </i>- except about what is wrong with you in his eyes. <snip> I’m hoping that by answering as many questions as possible and clearing away the confusion that abusive behavior creates, I can make it possible for you to escape the trap of preoccupation with your partner, so that you can put yourself - and your children if you are a mother - back in the center of your life where you belong. An angry and controlling man can be like a vacuum cleaner that successful woman’s mind and life, but there are ways to get your life back. The first step is to learn to identify what your partner is doing and why he does it, which is what the pages ahead will illuminate. But when you have finished diving deeply into the abuser’s mind, which this book will enable you to do, it is important to rise back to the surface and from then on <i>try to stay out of the water is much as you can.</i> I don’t mean that you should necessarily leave your partner - that is a complex and highly personal decision that only you can make. But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into the center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about <i>you</i>; you are worth it.</blockquote>
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***</div>
<br />
<u><b>Shame Helps Keep Us Silent</b></u><br />
If we have a partner who is abusive, it's hard to admit, even to ourselves. After all, we <i>chose </i>him (or her). Were we stupid - or blind? Besides, we have continued to stay with a person who treats us this way - <i>what is wrong with us?</i><br />
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<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1c/Alice_through_the_looking_glass.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1c/Alice_through_the_looking_glass.jpg" width="270" /></a></div>
We may buy into his argument that we <i>make </i>him angry. Unfair as it seems, sometimes, it is still less unpalatable than admitting s/he is an angry person who would find <strike>reasons</strike> excuses to be abusive no matter what we did or didn't do.<br />
<br />
Living with an abusive person becomes a <i>Through the Looking Glass</i> world where everything is backwards; <i>they </i>behave badly, <i>we </i>feel ashamed. <br />
<br />
And yet, when we do begin speaking out, we find help, support, validation. The Emperor has no clothes, after all.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u><b>Disclaimer:</b></u>
The information and opinions posted here, and any comment responses, are not to be
considered professional advice and are not intended to replace
consultation with a qualified medical or mental health professional.
If you are involved in a relationship that includes physical, financial,
and/or emotional violence, please contact a professional for help and
assistance.<br />
<br />
In the US:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thehotline.org/" target="_blank">National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY- 1-800-787-3224 <br />
<a href="http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/" target="_blank">RAINN </a>(Rape Abuse & Incest National Network)<br />
<a href="http://www.ncadv.org/" target="_blank">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</a> (includes downloadable guides for helping women in abusive relationships)<br />
National Alliance on Mental Illness, aka <a href="http://www.nami.org/" target="_blank">NAMI</a> <br />
<br />
International Resources <a href="http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2011/03/men-women-children-and-domestic.html" target="_blank">linked here</a>.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-10010564112060257902013-05-29T05:00:00.000-07:002013-05-29T06:48:28.623-07:00Why Does He DO That? Introduction (Part 4)We are reading, and, I hope, entering into a healthy discussion of the book <i><b><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425191656/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0425191656&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank">Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men</a></b></i> by <b><i>Lundy Bancroft</i></b>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><i>Please, do buy your own copy - both because I won't be excerpting all of it, and because this author deserves our $upport.</i></b></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>
<br />
From the <b>Introduction - My Experience Working with Angry and Controlling Men</b>: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Counseling abusive men is difficult work. They are usually very reluctant to face up to the damage that they have been causing women, and often children as well, and hold tightly to their excuses and victim blaming. As you will see in the pages ahead, they become attached to the various privileges they earn through mistreating their partners, and they have habits of mind and make it difficult for them to imagine being in a respectful and equal relationship with a woman.</blockquote>
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From the <b>Introduction - How To Use This Book</b>: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
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One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently <i>tells you what you should think</i> and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs. I would not like to see your experience with this book re-create that unhealthy dynamic. <snip> listen carefully to what I’m saying, but always think for yourself. If any part of what I describe about abusers doesn’t match your experience, cast it aside and focus on the parts that do fit. <snip> If you come upon sections that don’t speak to you - because you don’t have children, for example, or because your partner is never physically frightening - to skip ahead to the piece that can help you more.<br />
<br />
Some women will find it being alone with this book is too difficult because it awakens feelings and realizations that are overwhelming. I encourage you to reach out for support from trusted friends and family as you go along. While reading this book is likely to be clarifying for you, it may also awaken awareness that can be painful or distressing. <snip> Again, don’t be stymied by the word abuse; the hotline staff is there to listen to you and to help you think about any relationship in which you are being treated in a way that is making you feel bad.</blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<br />
One of the biggest battles I had repeatedly with my ex is he tried, like Orwell's Big Brother, <i>to control my thoughts.</i> He would frequently begin a rant at me with, "You think <i>blah blah blah</i>," and at least that ticked me off enough that I refused to follow him down that particular rabbit hole.<br />
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Just like nobody gets to put baby in a corner, NOBODY gets in my face and TELLS me what I am thinking or what I "should" think. The full frontal assault was almost always a fail.<br />
<br />
<br />
Other mental manipulations - and I am not sure they are/were all conscious - were much more successful at twisting my thoughts and perceptions, to get me to "behave." Acting hurt/wounded by something I said or did. The compliment with a sting in it, "You look good in that color, and if you just lost another five pounds, that dress would look fantastic." Those are the kinds of messages that kept replaying in my mind, planted seeds of doubt. Bruises are easy to recognize and point to, but the slow poisoning of heart and confidence through planting those ugly words and thoughts is much dirtier and more insidious.<br />
<br />
Human beings all want others to do what we want, and are manipulative, to a certain degree. If I have a difficult subject to bring up with my boss, for example, I will wait until he is in a good mood (most of the time, luckily for me) <i>and </i>he has an open window of time (that one's more difficult) to really think about my issue and discuss it. Is that manipulation, or common sense? How about letting your partner know that you really, <i>really </i>want to see a certain concert or movie?<br />
<br />
Where manipulation turns into abuse is when there is the lack of respect and an equal relationship. In most societies, even Western ones, there is an open assumption that "the man is the head of the house," and so sometimes, it's hard to see where an abusive attitude begins. Isn't church/temple/mosque/society telling the man that he is supposed to rule over "his" woman? If one party believes that he (or she) has the <i>right </i>to dismiss <i>without discussion</i> an idea or plan floated by his (or her) partner, it's not a relationship of equals.<br />
<br />
My ex found it nearly impossible to compromise. He wanted to have things his way, the <i>superior </i>way. On occasion, he would allow me to have things my way, but there was very little of the give and take and negotiation that happens in a relationship of equals.<br />
<br />
Once when I had described what I wanted, and why, he was (again) locked into the black-or-white thinking, and nastily accused me of "always wanting things my way." I became so frustrated that I got very sarcastic with him.<br />
<br />
"No," I said. "I am trying to work this out <i>together</i>. That's <i>what grown-ups do</i>. I put what <i>I</i> want out on the table, here," I gestured to the right hand side of the coffee table. "You put what <i>you </i>want out on the table, there," I gestured to the left hand side of the table. "Then we work together to try to meet in the middle and find a way for<i> both of us </i>to get our needs and wants satisfied. A win-win. <i>That's what grown-ups do</i>."<br />
<br />
I think, in retrospect, that part of his issue was that he either didn't have or couldn't verbalize a position, but felt compelled (demand-resistance, knee-jerk reaction) to say no to what I was proposing, no matter what it was. He simply couldn't let me have the "win" of "Yes, that sounds like a great idea."<br />
<br />
I found it very difficult to work through this book and consider how much of it applied to <i>me</i>.<br />
<br />
Yes, my boyfriend often called me names, had jealous spats, wouldn't work together with me. Yes, he frequently liked to refer to women as bitches - but he was only joking.<br />
<br />
Even now I have a very hard time talking about it as abuse. But it was.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<br />
<u><b>Disclaimer:</b></u>
The information and opinions posted here, and any comment responses, are not to be
considered professional advice and are not intended to replace
consultation with a qualified medical or mental health professional.
If you are involved in a relationship that includes physical, financial,
and/or emotional violence, please contact a professional for help and
assistance.<br />
<br />
In the US:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thehotline.org/" target="_blank">National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY- 1-800-787-3224 <br />
<a href="http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/" target="_blank">RAINN </a>(Rape Abuse & Incest National Network)<br />
<a href="http://www.ncadv.org/" target="_blank">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</a> (includes downloadable guides for helping women in abusive relationships)<br />
National Alliance on Mental Illness, aka <a href="http://www.nami.org/" target="_blank">NAMI</a> <br />
<br />
International Resources <a href="http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2011/03/men-women-children-and-domestic.html" target="_blank">linked here</a>.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-16736025111584770122013-05-22T05:00:00.000-07:002013-05-22T05:00:10.738-07:00Why Does He DO That? Introduction (Part 3)We are reading, and, I hope, entering into a healthy discussion of the book <i><b><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425191656/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0425191656&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank">Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men</a></b></i> by <b><i>Lundy Bancroft</i></b>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><i>Please, do buy your own copy - both because I won't be excerpting all of it, and because this author deserves our $upport. </i></b></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=wwwbeverlydie-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0425191656" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
From the <b>Introduction - My Experience Working with Angry and Controlling Men</b>: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
For roughly the next five years I worked almost exclusively with clients were coming to the program voluntarily. They generally attended under heavy pressure from their female partners, who were either talking about leaving the relationship or had already done so. <snip> The men’s main motivation for seeking counseling was the hope of saving their relationships. It was common for them to feel some guilt or discomfort about their abusive behavior, but they simultaneously believed strongly in the validity of their excuses and justifications, so their feelings of remorse would not of been enough in themselves to have kept them in my program. In those early years, the clients I worked with were men who used far more verbal and emotional abuse and physical violence, although most of them had been physically intimidating or assaultive on at least a few occasions.<br />
<br />
<snip>...with the result that court-mandated clients started at first to trickle and then to pour in the doors of our program. These men often had a much greater propensity for physical violence than our earlier clients, sometimes involving the use of weapons or vicious beatings resulting in hospitalization of their partners. Yet we observed that in other ways these men were generally not significantly different from our verbally abusive clients: their attitudes and excuses tended to be the same, and they used mental cruelty side by side with their physical assaults. Equally important was that the female partners of these battering men were largely describing the same distresses in their lives that we were hearing about from women who would been psychologically abused, showing us that different forms of abuse have similar destructive impacts on women.<br />
<br />
<snip> my colleagues and I have been strict about always speaking to the woman whom our client has mistreated, whether or not the couple is still together. (And if he has started a new relationship, we talk with his current partner as well, which is part of how we became aware of the ways in which abusive men continue their patterns from one relationship to the next.) It is through these interviews with women that we’ve received our greatest education about power and control in relationships. The women’s accounts also have taught us that abusive men present their own stores with tremendous denial, minimization, and distortion of the history of their behaviors and that is therefore otherwise impossible for us to get an accurate picture of what is going on in an abusive relationship without listening carefully to the abused woman.</blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<br />
<h3>
Their Attitudes and Excuses Tended to be the Same</h3>
I've heard many people argue that verbal abuse isn't <i>real </i>abuse. I've even made the same argument, myself. But if the abuser who hits "only" with words, dirty looks, and contemptuous body language, has the same attitude, and same goal - to cow and intimidate his/her victim, to make him/her "behave," as the abuser who hits with a closed fist, then it really isn't so different.<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Different Forms of Abuse Have Similar Destructive Impacts</h3>
Sticks and stones... words will never hurt you, right? Unlike the well-meant childhood fibs about Santa and the Tooth Fairy (sorry if I'm blowing it for you), the LIE about words not hurting us could not be more untrue. I bet everyone reading this, everyone I know, can remember a stinging insult, a painful accusation or comment from our childhood and teen years.<br />
<br />
Loser, weakling, incompetent, stupid, untrustworthy, clumsy, selfish... The terrible thing is, even as an adult, if someone we love and trust says something negative about our character or personality, and it hits us in an emotionally vulnerable spot, we'll keep "playing the tape" over and over again in our minds.<br />
<br />
If someone tells me, "You're extremely short," I can easily laugh that off. If a stranger who is angry at me tells me, "That's awfully selfish of you," I can usually laugh that off as well - maybe she is trying to hurt me because I didn't go along with her selfish agenda, maybe I <i>was </i>behaving selfishly in that one particular instance.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://wisemansay.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/6.-jumping-through-hoops-300x252.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="167" src="http://wisemansay.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/6.-jumping-through-hoops-300x252.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
But I don't <i>want </i>to think of myself as a selfish person. So if my partner says to me, "I can't believe how selfish you are. You're always thinking about yourself, never about other people," I will obsess endlessly over it - especially if he said such a thing more than once. <i>This person knows and loves me. He wouldn't say something like that simply to hurt me. Maybe I <u>am</u> selfish.</i> Hoping to win his approval/praise, I would jump through any number of hoops to prove to him that no, I'm not really selfish. No matter how much it cost me to do so.<br />
<br />
And of course, there were always more hoops.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u><b>Disclaimer:</b></u>
The information posted here, and any comment responses, are not to be
considered professional advice and are not intended to replace
consultation with a qualified medical or mental health professional.
If you are involved in a relationship that includes physical, financial,
and/or emotional violence, please contact a professional for help and
assistance.<br />
<br />
In the US:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thehotline.org/" target="_blank">National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY- 1-800-787-3224 <br />
<a href="http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/" target="_blank">RAINN </a>(Rape Abuse & Incest National Network)<br />
<a href="http://www.ncadv.org/" target="_blank">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</a> (includes downloadable guides for helping women in abusive relationships)<br />
National Alliance on Mental Illness, aka <a href="http://www.nami.org/" target="_blank">NAMI</a> <br />
<br />
International Resources <a href="http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2011/03/men-women-children-and-domestic.html" target="_blank">linked here</a>.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-75745423032941398452013-05-15T05:00:00.000-07:002013-05-15T05:00:08.842-07:00Why Does He DO That? Introduction (Part 2)We're start reading, and, I hope, entering into a healthy discussion of the book <i><b><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425191656/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0425191656&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank">Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men</a></b></i> by <b><i>Lundy Bancroft</i></b>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><i>Please, do buy your own copy - both because I won't be excerpting all of it, and because this author deserves our $upport.</i></b></span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><i> </i></b></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=wwwbeverlydie-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0425191656" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
From the Introduction: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Another central goal of mine is to offer assistance to each woman who is struggling with how she is being treated in a relationship, regardless of what label she may put on her partner’s behavior. Words like <i>control </i>and <i>abuse </i>can be loaded ones, and you may not feel that they fit your particular circumstances. I’ve chosen to use the term <i>abusers </i>to refer to man who use a wide range of controlling, devaluing, or intimidating behaviors. In some cases I’m talking about fiscal batterers and at other times about men who use or insult their partners but never frighten or intimidate them. Some of the men I described in the pages ahead change moods so drastically and so often that a woman could never feel sure <i>what </i>they are like, much less attach a label. Your partner may be arrogant, or may play mind games, or may act selfishly over and over again, but his better aspects may make you feel that he is miles away from being an “abuser.” Please don’t let my language put you off; I’ve simply chosen the word <i>abuser </i>as a shorthand way of saying “men who chronically make their partners feel mistreated or devalued.” You can adopt a different term if you know one that fits your partner better. <snip><br />
<br />
If the person are involved with is the same sex as you are, you have a place here too. Lesbians and gay men who abuse their partners exhibit much of the same thinking, and most of the same tactics excuses, that abusive heterosexual men do. In this book I’ve used the term <i>he </i>for the abuser and <i>she </i>for the abused partner to keep my discussion simple and clear, but abuse lesbians and gay men are very much in my thoughts, right alongside of abuse straight women. Of course, you will need to change the gender language to figure relationship, for which I apologize in advance. You will also find a section in chapter 6 where I speak specifically about the similarities and differences in same-sex abusers.<br />
<br />
Similarly, this book includes stories from men from a very wide range of racial and cultural backgrounds. Although the attitudes and behaviors of controlling and abusive men vary somewhat from culture to culture, I found that their similarities greatly outweigh their differences. If your partner is a person of color or an immigrant, or if you are a member of one of these groups yourself, you’ll find that much of what this book discusses, or perhaps all of it, fits your experience quite well. <snip> I further discuss some specific racial and cultural issues in chapter 6.</blockquote>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<h3>
I never wanted to label it abuse.</h3>
<br />
He was sick, he was stressed out, he had a momentary lapse... And I absolutely <i>loathed </i>the word "victim" as applied to myself. I am loving, smart, capable, and strong - how could someone like <i>me </i>be a victim?<br />
<br />
Reality? He had a <i>pattern </i>of being controlling, demeaning, and verbally abusive to me. <i>I</i> had a pattern of making excuses for him, and refusing to call it abuse - even to myself.<br />
<br />
In the beginning, during the courtship or honeymoon stage, he treated me like he thought I was wonderful, special, valuable... <i><b>almost all the time</b></i>. That special treatment never entirely disappeared - and <i>that </i>is why we stay. We keep getting glimpses of who we think the real person, the kind, loving person is, under all the crap, and think if we just did - <i>something </i>- right, better, found the way to explain, we could once again have that incredible relationship with the person we loved.<br />
<br />
Like those rats in experiments, where if sometimes when they push a bar they get a treat, and sometimes an electric shock, we'll keep pressing that bar, hoping, that <i>next </i>time, it'll be good.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/92/Skinner_box_scheme_01.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/92/Skinner_box_scheme_01.png" width="317" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">via <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Skinner_box_scheme_01.png" target="_blank">Wikimedia Commons</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Once more, on the male-female thing</h3>
<br />
Bancroft's book is (primarily) about male on female abuse. Our discussion, here, is not predicated on "bad men; helpless victimized women" because although there are a number of factors that often give men an unfair societal and legal advantage, yes, women abuse men too. Do not feel if you are a man being abused by a woman, that this book and our discussion has little to offer you. Please buy the book and read along.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u><b>Disclaimer:</b></u>
The information and opinions posted here, and any comment responses, are not to be
considered professional advice and are not intended to replace
consultation with a qualified medical or mental health professional.
If you are involved in a relationship that includes physical, financial,
and/or emotional violence, please contact a professional for help and
assistance.<br />
<br />
In the US:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thehotline.org/" target="_blank">National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY- 1-800-787-3224 <br />
<a href="http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/" target="_blank">RAINN </a>(Rape Abuse & Incest National Network)<br />
<a href="http://www.ncadv.org/" target="_blank">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</a> (includes downloadable guides for helping women in abusive relationships)<br />
National Alliance on Mental Illness, aka <a href="http://www.nami.org/" target="_blank">NAMI</a> <br />
<br />
International Resources <a href="http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2011/03/men-women-children-and-domestic.html" target="_blank">linked here</a>.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-21808256591821022942013-05-08T05:00:00.000-07:002013-05-09T07:08:27.722-07:00Why Does He DO That? Introduction (Part 1)We've begun reading, and, I hope, entering into a healthy discussion of the book <i><b><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425191656/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0425191656&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank">Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men</a></b></i> by <b><i>Lundy Bancroft</i></b>.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Please, do buy your own copy - both because I won't be excerpting all of it, and because this author deserves our $upport. </i></b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=wwwbeverlydie-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0425191656" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<h3>
From the Introduction: </h3>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/22757013@N07/3108079807" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:left;"><img alt="1212mentalhealth-RW" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3160/3108079807_60f6fe5ee0_m.jpg" style="border: medium none; font-size: 0.8em;" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center;">1212mentalhealth-RW <br />
(Photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/22757013@N07/3108079807" target="_blank">Robbie Wroblewski</a>)</td></tr>
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I’ve been working with angry and controlling men for 15 years as a counselor, evaluator, an investigator, and have accumulated a wealth of knowledge from the 2000 or more cases with which I have been involved. I have learned the warning signs of abuse and control that a woman can watch out for early in a relationship. I’ve come to know what a controlling man is <i>really </i>saying, the meaning that is hidden behind his words. I’ve seen clues to recognizing when verbal and emotional aggression are heading toward violence. I found ways to separate out abusive men who are faking change from those who are doing some genuine work on themselves. And I have learned that the problem of the abusiveness has surprisingly little to do with how a man feels - my clients actually differ very little from nonabusive men and their emotional experience - and everything to do with how he <i>thinks</i>. The answers are inside his mind.<br />
<br />
<snip> who can use what I have learned to help themselves recognize when they are being controlled or devalued in a relationship, to find ways to get free of abuse if it is happening, and to know how to avoid getting involved with an abusive man - or a controller or a user - next time. The purpose of this book is to equip women with the ability to protect themselves, physically and psychologically, from angry and controlling men.<br />
<br />
To prepare for writing this book, I first generated a list of the 21 questions that women most often asked me about their abusive partner, questions such as:<br />
<br />
<i>"Is he really sorry?" <br />"Why do so many of our friends side with him?" <br />"Is he going to hit me someday?"</i><br />
<br />
and many others. I then built my explanations around these concerns to make sure that women would be able to look here to find the information they urgently need. <snip></blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<br />
<br />
<h3>
<b>Is He Going To Hit Me?</b></h3>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xcFNHHzeLtY/UYCrFLXbzMI/AAAAAAAAAxg/rWZp9pm96hw/s1600/ID-10074836.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xcFNHHzeLtY/UYCrFLXbzMI/AAAAAAAAAxg/rWZp9pm96hw/s200/ID-10074836.jpg" width="191" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">via <a href="http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2998" target="_blank">kenfotos</a> at freedigitalphotos</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
That's probably the #1 question for those who've been in a relationship where they have felt verbally battered and deeply frightened, but not yet hit... yet. And there are no guarantees; however, there are warning signs, which will be covered in this book. (Another reason I urge you to buy it <i>now</i>.)<br />
<br />
That a person feels s/he has the <i>right </i>to degrade and belittle you is not a sign s/he respects you and values you. If s/he has "accidentally" hurt you - stepping on toes, an elbow in the wrong place, etc., this could be a real red flag that more is headed your way, especially if the response was <i>not </i>an abject apology on the part of the offender, but more a "well, you shouldn't have gotten in my way" attitude.<br />
<br />
While many verbal abusers never "graduate" to physical abuse, it is well documented that verbal and emotional abuse <i>always </i>precedes physical violence.<br />
<br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<h3>
<b>Do not take your safety for granted, ever.</b> </h3>
<br />
If you are in a situation where your partner hurts you - even if it is "only" with words, please contact one of the hotlines down below and begin working out an emergency escape plan, even if as of right this minute, you feel <i>sure </i>you will never need one. Especially if you have children at home.<br />
<br />
Worst case scenario if you have an escape plan and never need it, is you have "wasted" a few hours. Worst case scenario if you don't have a plan and need one, is <b>it may cost you your life.</b><br />
<br />
I never thought my boyfriend would hit me, either.<br />
<br />
Till he did.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<u><b>Disclaimer:</b></u>
The information and opinions posted here, and any comment responses, are not to be
considered professional advice and are not intended to replace
consultation with a qualified medical or mental health professional.
If you are involved in a relationship that includes physical, financial,
and/or emotional violence, please contact a professional for help and
assistance.<br />
<br />
In the US:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thehotline.org/" target="_blank">National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY- 1-800-787-3224 <br />
<a href="http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/" target="_blank">RAINN </a>(Rape Abuse & Incest National Network)<br />
<a href="http://www.ncadv.org/" target="_blank">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</a> (includes downloadable guides for helping women in abusive relationships)<br />
National Alliance on Mental Illness, aka <a href="http://www.nami.org/" target="_blank">NAMI</a> <br />
<br />
International Resources <a href="http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2011/03/men-women-children-and-domestic.html" target="_blank">linked here</a>.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
<div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">
<a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/?px" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=80c32969-3084-4539-a7e6-90ffb1ae8e4e" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-85616557396930035372013-05-01T05:00:00.001-07:002013-05-09T07:09:58.021-07:00Why Does He DO That? Terminology IntroWe're going to start reading, and, I hope, entering into a healthy discussion of the book <i><b><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425191656/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0425191656&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20" target="_blank">Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men</a></b></i> by <b><i>Lundy Bancroft</i></b>.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Please, do buy your own copy - both because I won't be excerpting all of it, and because this author deserves our $upport.</i></b><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=wwwbeverlydie-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0425191656" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
</div>
<br />
<br />
<h4>
From the Note on Terminology: </h4>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
In referring to angry and controlling men in this book, I’ve chosen in most cases the shorter terms <i>abusive man</i> and <i>abuser</i>. I’ve used these terms for readability and not because I believe that every man who has problems with angry or controlling behavior is abusive. I needed to select a simple word I could apply to any man who has recurring problems with disrespecting, controlling, insulting, or devaluing his partner, whether or not his behavior also involves more explicit verbal abuse, physical aggression, or sexual mistreatment. Any of these behaviors can have a serious impact on a woman’s life and can lead her to feel confused, depressed, anxious, or afraid. <snip><br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3b/20081123120727-violencia-de-genero.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3b/20081123120727-violencia-de-genero.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">via <a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:20081123120727-violencia-de-genero.jpg" target="_blank">Wikipedia Commons</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<snip> Controlling men fall on a spectrum of behaviors, from those who exhibit only a few of the tactics I describe in this book to those who use almost all of them. Similarly, these men run a gamut in their attitudes, from those who are willing to accept confrontation about their behaviors and strive to change them, to those who won’t listen to the woman’s perspective at all, feel completely justified, and become highly retaliatory if she attempts to stand up for herself. <snip> The level of anger exhibited by controlling man also shows wide variation, but unfortunately it doesn’t tell us much in itself about how psychologically destructive he may be or how likely he is to change, as we will see.<br />
<br />
In addition, I have chosen to use the terms <i>he </i>to refer to the abusive person and <i>she </i>to the abused partner. I selected these terms for convenience and because they correctly described the great majority of relationships in which powers being abused. <snip>. </blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<br />
<h3>
No Gender Discrimination In Our Discussions Here </h3>
<br />
Mr. Bancroft's experience is with male abusers; he does not have the training or experience to address female-on-male abuse situations, therefore in this book, he does not address it, though he briefly covers controlling and angry dynamics in gay relationships. In most modern societies, even though "we've come a long way, baby" the reality is that men (in general) possess much more political, social, and economic power than women, and in second/third world countries, the power men hold over women is even more extreme. Men kill women and send them to the emergency room much more often than women kill or seriously injure men.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-t8Y49xItnWA/UYCd8bObS4I/AAAAAAAAAxQ/pUp6BPbnuVQ/s1600/ID-10075935.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-t8Y49xItnWA/UYCd8bObS4I/AAAAAAAAAxQ/pUp6BPbnuVQ/s320/ID-10075935.jpg" width="212" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">via <a href="http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062" target="_blank">David Castillo Dominici</a><br />
at freedigitalphotos</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This does not mean that female-on-male violence, especially emotional and verbal abuse, does not frequently occur, or that women in individual relationships cannot be just as angry and feel just as justified as the Angry and Controlling Men of the book title. Sadly, I know many men who've experienced abuse from their mothers or who have lived or still live in abusive relationships with a female partner.<br />
<br />
Therefore, if that is <i>your </i>experience, please buy the book and follow along; you will almost certainly gain valuable insights.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
<b>Why Does A Discussion about Domestic Violence Belong on a Blog About OCPD?</b></h3>
Some may argue that there is little to no scientific evidence that domestic violence is linked to <i>any </i>mental disorder, including OCPD. I agree - there is no scientifically proven link. My counter-argument is that <i>if the questions are never asked,</i> how reasonable is it to assume that no links exist? Because of stigma and shame, both mental illness and domestic violence are vastly under-reported, under-studied, and misunderstood.<br />
I would also add that statistics show people with a mental illness are far more likely to be victims of a violent crime than perpetrators. No intent here to demonize the mentally ill. <br />
<br />
I can state that <i>in my personal experience</i>, and that of many other people with whom I have traded stories, domestic violence and mental illness or brain injury <i>is </i>often linked. This is part of the dynamic that influences our decision to stay in an abusive relationship, perhaps longer than we should. We perceive our partners not as deliberately abusive, but as <i>sick </i>- and what kind of heartless person would abandon a partner suffering from cancer, or heart disease?<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Reality - it doesn't matter <i>why </i>we are being abused. Being abused hurts.</h3>
<br />
<br />
<u><b>Disclaimer:</b></u> The information and opinions posted here, and any comment responses, are not to be considered professional advice and are not intended to replace consultation with a qualified medical or mental health professional.
If you are involved in a relationship that includes physical, financial, and/or emotional violence, please contact a professional for help and assistance.<br />
<br />
<br />
In the US:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thehotline.org/" target="_blank">National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY- 1-800-787-3224 <br />
<a href="http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/" target="_blank">RAINN </a>(Rape Abuse & Incest National Network)<br />
<a href="http://www.ncadv.org/" target="_blank">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</a> (includes downloadable guides for helping women in abusive relationships)<br />
National Alliance on Mental Illness, aka <a href="http://www.nami.org/" target="_blank">NAMI</a> <br />
<br />
International Resources <a href="http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2011/03/men-women-children-and-domestic.html" target="_blank">linked here</a>.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-69470394785672889332013-03-12T05:00:00.000-07:002013-03-12T05:00:02.111-07:00Queen for a DayDoesn't everyone want to be treated like a Queen (or a King)? At least for one day.<br />
<br />
There used to be a extremely sadistic TV show on that premise: women would come on the show and compete in telling a sob story - <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queen_for_a_Day" target="_blank">from Wikipedia</a>:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Often the request was for medical care or therapeutic equipment to help a chronically ill child, but sometimes it was as simple as the need for a hearing aid, a new washing machine, or a refrigerator. Many women broke down sobbing as they described their plights, and Bailey was always quick to comfort them and offer a clean white handkerchief to dry their eyes.<br />
<br />
The harsher the circumstances under which the contestant labored, the likelier the studio audience was to ring the applause meter's highest level. The winner, to the musical accompaniment of "<a class="mw-redirect" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pomp_and_Circumstance" style="background-image: none; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" title="Pomp and Circumstance">Pomp and Circumstance</a>", would be draped in a sable-trimmed red velvet robe, given a glittering jeweled crown to wear, placed on a velvet-upholstered throne, and handed a dozen long-stemmed roses to hold as she wept, often uncontrollably, while her list of prizes was announced.
</blockquote>
Not only were they milking the misery of the "winner" for all it was worth, imagine being one of the losing contestants who'd put it all out there, but not "enough" to garner the highest on the "applause-o-meter."<br />
<br />
An easier way to score a crown was eating a particular brand of margarine. <br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/eTX09-I1wa4?list=PL4D706561B3000F82" width="490"></iframe><br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
I begged my mom to buy that brand, because I coveted one of those beautiful crowns so much, and though my mother told me it was a trick on TV, she caved in and bought it once, so I could find out for myself.<br />
<br />
<h3>
The disappointment was almost as bitter as the margarine.</h3>
<br />
Anyway, if anyone deserved to be treated like a Queen, it was my mother, but she would never go on a radio or television show to whine about her life.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ywoxkHOt2L8/UToYywoIajI/AAAAAAAAAvw/B14BTW8r2JU/s1600/Mom+&+Bill.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ywoxkHOt2L8/UToYywoIajI/AAAAAAAAAvw/B14BTW8r2JU/s320/Mom+&+Bill.jpg" width="174" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mom and her younger brother</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
She was the oldest of four, and the target of much nit-picking by my (suspected OCPD) grandmother. She signed up for the Coast Guard and served with honor during WWII.<br />
<br />
Afterward, on the rebound from a prior relationship, she met and married my father. Also a WWII veteran, smart, and charming as all get out when he wanted to be.<br />
<br />
Probably NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). They had three daughters, me being the "bonus baby." Not long after that, breast cancer came along. In those days, the way it worked was, you found a lump, they put you under and sliced you up. You found out if it was serious when you woke up, depending on how much of your body they'd carved away.<br />
<br />
In Mom's case, pretty serious. They took her breast, the underlying chest muscles, the lymph nodes, and some of the muscles from under her arm.<br />
<br />
Yet she would still smile at everyone.<br />
<br />
I believe in the picture, below, she was still recovering from the surgery, because she had to wear those loose-fitting muumuus for some weeks (months?) afterward.<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
It was Mother's Day</h3>
<br />
I thought she should be treated like Queen for a Day. It was <i>my </i>idea, but my sisters joined in helping me make a "crown" out of, I think, a brown grocery bag, which I decorated with crayon and tinsel from our Christmas decorations stash. We put her on the "throne" with a fancy goblet of possibly wine, possibly fruit juice. Am not sure if the cushion under her arm was to add the royal touch or because she physically needed it in her recovery.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eqZ7oFRYXEA/UTn7dUEPZzI/AAAAAAAAAvc/8E8C2ZcvIvI/s1600/Mom+on+Moms+Day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="305" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eqZ7oFRYXEA/UTn7dUEPZzI/AAAAAAAAAvc/8E8C2ZcvIvI/s400/Mom+on+Moms+Day.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Prematurely silver hair ran in the family.<br />
The glasses and the silver hair make her look old, at first glance,<br />
but she was only mid-forties here.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I thought - I <i>still </i>think - she was absolutely beautiful, and I was so proud of her, so happy to have her as my mom. She was, in fact, the Best Mom in the World, though some silly people didn't realize that. And I am still proud of her, and a little of myself, that I did make the effort to let her know how special she was to me.<br />
<br />
And yet.<br />
<br />
I cannot but think, now, that if only she had made a <i>few </i>different choices... Mom was my model for self-sacrificing relationships, for being sweet and kind and loving to everyone. No one had a bad word to say about her - not at her memorial service, five years later, after the cancer recurred, nor in the years that followed. My sisters' husbands, who knew her in the years before she died, loved her to pieces. Who adores their mother-in-law?<br />
<br />
I have come to believe that putting everyone else first, <i>all the time</i>, and allowing others to treat us badly, can, in fact, make us sick. Sick to death, even.<br />
<br />
<h3>
<b>Doormats wear out.</b></h3>
<br />
My mother was a product of her time and her culture, and possibly even the influence of an OCPD mother. She followed all the rules of being nice, being polite, taking care of everyone but herself. She was loved, yes, but only on rare occasion was <i>she </i>the one being pampered and taken care of.<br />
<br />
Today is her birthday, and I'm missing her, of course. But I am also thinking that it would please her tremendously to know that I have learned from my own mistakes, and from her life.<br />
<br />
There's a formula now, that we should put 51% of our efforts to ourselves, and no more than 49% to everyone else in our lives, added together. I can't help but think, if my mom had done that, she might have lived past my 10th birthday, and my life - <i>many </i>lives - would have benefited tremendously for her continued presence in it.<br />
<br />
Loving someone is never a mistake. But neglecting our own hearts, souls, dreams, and bodies, in the name of love, can kill us. Figuratively, or literally.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Do you believe in giving up everything for love?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Have you learned to save nurturing for yourself? </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Do you have any life lessons from a loved one who's passed on?</i></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">
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The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-71921694562916508712013-01-28T07:59:00.000-08:002013-01-28T07:59:09.939-08:00What Now, Brown Cow?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5gTl1LOC6oI/UQaf9xveKrI/AAAAAAAAAvI/1ORHk3OZ32M/s1600/IMGP0720.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5gTl1LOC6oI/UQaf9xveKrI/AAAAAAAAAvI/1ORHk3OZ32M/s320/IMGP0720.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
Now that we've finished <i><b>Too Perfect</b></i>, what's up next?<br />
<br />
For me, perhaps, a bit of a break for a few weeks. Since the death of my <a href="http://www.perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2012/10/this-time-its-personal.html" target="_blank">beautiful friend Sidney</a> in October, I have not only been struggling with grief and emotional pain, but also with severe <i>physical</i> pain. Recently, after various exams, x-rays, MRI's,and other tests, I've been diagnosed with "frozen shoulder."<br />
<br />
<i><b>Fire </b></i>shoulder might be a better description, of the way it feels. The treatment includes a cortisone shot (got it) and physical therapy. I'm also getting aquatic therapy, and it <i>is </i>improving, if more slowly than I might wish.<br />
<br />
Note to self - there is a reason they tell you to pull the belt on the flotation belt <i>tightly</i>. Because it bugs when the thing rides up to just under your armpits. <br />
<br />
It is also recommended that I stay away from the keyboard, as much as possible. So, while I'm not abandoning this blog, I may take some time off (or, depending on whether the Muse is jabbing me in the back, I may not).<br />
<br />
As far as upcoming book reviews and discussion, the book that got the most votes in our survey was <b>Lundy Bancroft's <i>Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men</i></b>.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=wwwbeverlydie-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0425191656" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
From the Book Description:</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."<br />
"He can be sweet and gentle."<br />
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."<br />
"He's had a really hard life..." <br />
<br />
Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day.
Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and
change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows
how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with: <br />
<br />
€ The early warning signs<br />
€ Nine abusive personality types<br />
€ How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will<br />
€ The role of drugs and alcohol<br />
€ What can be fixed, and what can't<br />
€ How to leave a relationship safely</blockquote>
<br />
Please, <b>buy your own copy of the book</b> - put a book cover on it, if you must for your own safety, and tell your husband you're reading 50 Shades of Grey. Get it on an e-reader. If reading is difficult for you, get the audio version. Check it out from your library. (Did you know you can also get e-books from the library?)<br />
<br />
Let's read and discuss it together. I would also add - even if your angry and controlling person is <i>female</i>, there are many, many insights in this book that will be valuable to you.<br />
<br />
Now off to make sure I have my towel and swimsuit. Hoo-boy, I am very grateful the water therapy ain't being videotaped, because I look like a dying whale thrashing around in the pool.<br />
<br />
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The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-4760456400361194872013-01-22T05:00:00.000-08:002013-01-22T07:59:57.700-08:00Too Perfect Tuesdays - Epilogue<i>This post concludes with the <b>Epilogue</b></i><i>.</i><br />
<br />
<i>This series has looked at a small snippet of <b><u>The</u></b> book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka <a class="zem_slink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_personality_disorder" rel="wikipedia" target="_blank" title="Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder">OCPD</a>,
each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the
FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=wwwbeverlydie-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0449908003" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
</div>
<br />
When
Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and
Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. If you believe
you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether
that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for
additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>Epilogue</b><i><br /><br />Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. ~</i>Mark Twain<b><i><br /></i></b>
In summary, the obsessive personality style is a system of many normal traits, all aiming toward a common goal: safety and security via alertness, reason, and mastery. In rational and flexible doses, obsessive traits usually favor not only survival, but success and admiration, as well.<br />
<br />
The downside is that you can have too much of a good thing. You are bound for serious difficulties if your obsessive qualities serve not the simple goals of wise, competent, and enjoyable living, but an unrelenting need for fail-safe protection against the vulnerability inherent in being human. <snip><br />
<br />
<snip> The single most important step is one you can take right now: acknowledge that the source of much of your unhappiness may not be your boss, the state of the economy, your spouse's shortcomings, but something within you! Acknowledge that the main obstacles to feeling fulfilled in your relationships, work, or leisure (if you have any) may be such things as your perfectionism, workaholism, rigidity, and other overdeveloped obsessive characteristics.<br />
<br />
<snip> ...please understand that this book [nor this blog] is not a substitute for therapy with a competent professional. <snip> With or without professional assistance, your most important means to progress will be, quite simply, sustained hard work. But then that's your strong suit, isn't it?</blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
Is it difficult to find a therapist who understands OCPD/Anankastic Personality Disorder? Yes. Many, many mental health professionals have never even <i>heard </i>of such a beastie, or confuse it with OCD. Here's one true story:</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: #ececec; color: #323d4f; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.1875px;">My DH was diagnosed by a neuro-psychiatrist. He had extensive bloodwork, CT scan, several days of urine collection, significant assessment type "tests", and even his mother had to respond to a lot of questions about what he was like as a child. Even with all of that, he was diagnosed with OCD. It wasn't until I joined his yearly psychiatrist visits that I raised the issue of OCPD and the doctor concurred. </span><span style="text-align: center;"> </span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #ececec; color: #323d4f; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.1875px;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: #ececec; color: #323d4f; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.1875px;">It seems very difficult to determine OCPD unless someone close to the patient (in his inner circle) is able to answer many questions regarding the treatment they receive and observe on a daily basis. My experience has been that DH thinks he is wonderful and would never consider himself an arrogant, nasty, obnoxious person (at times) with underlying anger with almost constant anxiety and intermittent depression.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: #ececec; color: #323d4f; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Trebuchet MS', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.1875px;">
</span></blockquote>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ct.weirdnutdaily.com/ol/wn/sw/i51/5/6/12/f_0ed1047cc1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://ct.weirdnutdaily.com/ol/wn/sw/i51/5/6/12/f_0ed1047cc1.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">An obsession with creating and enforcing order, <br />
and being RIGHT, is more about OC<i><b>P</b></i>D than OCD.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
It's frustrating, trying to find a professional who can help you, who
understands that OCPD is not OCD, but it is worth the effort. Even if
the mental health professional doesn't know or understand the condition,
yet, it is still possible that s/he may have some effective strategies
that make life a little easier. For the partner or child of an affected
person - go, go go!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000381767/polls_ocd_1227_13096_answer_1_xlarge.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000381767/polls_ocd_1227_13096_answer_1_xlarge.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now this? OCD all the way, baybee.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<br />
I think counseling saved my life, certainly my sanity, during a time when I was losing it. I don't mean to denigrate the efforts of friends and family - they are <i>invaluable </i>as a support system.<br />
<br />
Yet sometimes there are things we don't <i>want </i>to tell them, out of fear/shame, or just not wanting our (perhaps dysfunctional) family all up in our business. We might tell less than is helpful - because we don't want to be judged and scolded, or because we don't want them to hate our partner. Likewise our friends. If our situation is so painful, they don't "get" why we don't leave. Or they offer suggestions that <i>might </i>work - when both people are "normal." Things like "Just be patient," or "Go ahead and let him/her have his way," which Does Not Work when one partner in the relationship is dysfunctional.<br />
<br />
They also tend to take our side, whereas a good mental professional will call us on our sh-t - and sometimes, we <i>need </i>a neutral referee to tell us, "You blew it there." To help us through the exercises we need to become healthier in our interactions.<br />
<br />
Let me reiterate - just because we might have an OCPD partner/parent/child/co-worker, does not mean that WE don't have our own hot messes that need attention. So good therapy is essential for getting our <i>own </i>house(s) in order.<br />
<br />
But if you are one of those people who is constantly irritated by an effed-up world that never does things The Right Way or up to your (extremely high and admirable) standards, if you believe your way of thinking is (always) a gift and you are surrounded by stupid, lazy people, you would be well served by seeking therapy with as open a mind as you can manage.<br />
<br />
None of us <i>have </i>to live with constant emotional pain. Discomfort, sometimes, sure. Pain, no.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>You deserve better. Go get it.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-44173274428622264302013-01-18T08:07:00.001-08:002013-01-18T08:07:32.697-08:00Birth of a JADE - Two Different Scripts<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Colourful_nail_polishes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:left;"><img alt="Colourful nail polishes" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="199" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/52/Colourful_nail_polishes.jpg/300px-Colourful_nail_polishes.jpg" style="border: medium none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 300px;">Colourful nail polishes (Photo credit: <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Colourful_nail_polishes.jpg" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
Let's take OCPD and other disorders and lock them in a closet somewhere (don't you wish we could?), pretend they don't exist, and look at what is going on when JADEing (<u><i><b>J</b></i></u>ustifying, <u><i><b>A</b></i></u>rguing, <u><i><b>D</b></i></u>efending, and <u><i><b>E</b></i></u>xplaining) occurs, regardless of whether one person in the relationship is disordered, or both are, or <i>neither </i>are.<br />
<br />
If you've ever been in an amateur play situation, you understand the concept of scripts: Person A says line 1, Person B says line 2. If Person B forgets line 2, Person A will repeat his/her line, or rephrase it in certain ways, trying to prompt Person B to remember and say line 2.<br />
<br />
<h3>
In a disordered conversation, it's like Person A and Person B are working from two different scripts.</h3>
<br />
<div style="line-height: 0px; padding-bottom: 2px;">
<a href="http://pinterest.com/pin/68609594293810719/" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://media-cache-ec4.pinterest.com/upload/9640586673129764_i3BkJLTA_c.jpg" width="204" /></a></div>
<div style="float: left; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<div style="color: #76838b; font-size: 10px;">
Source: <a href="http://data.whicdn.com/images/27512896/582676_284925334929455_100002359710204_655132_182061542_n_large.jpg" style="color: #76838b; font-size: 10px; text-decoration: underline;">data.whicdn.com</a> via <a href="http://pinterest.com/jbcdz89/" style="color: #76838b; font-size: 10px; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Jess</a> on <a href="http://pinterest.com/" style="color: #76838b; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Pinterest</a></div>
</div>
Person A comes bouncing into the room and displays a bottle of nail polish. "Look at this!" s/he says exuberantly. "This weekend, I'm going to paint all my nails this pretty robin's egg blue!"<br />
<br />
What Person A is hoping for in response could go in any number of directions:<br />
<ul>
<li>Ooh, what a gorgeous color! Can you do mine, too?</li>
<li>You're always doing something wild and crazy. [If said with affection]</li>
<li>That's going to look great on you.</li>
<li>When I was growing up,women only painted their nails in shades of red. All the different colors still look strange to me, but I've noticed many women wearing them. [An invitation to a discussion about changing fashions.]</li>
<li>Alrighty then.</li>
</ul>
<br />
Basically, Person A wants any response that says, "I hear you, I love you, I support you, I approve of you."<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
</h3>
<h3>
But what if, for whatever reason, Person B freaks out? </h3>
<br />
I recently read psychologist Jonathan Haidt's <b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307377903/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=wwwbeverlydie-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0307377903">The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=wwwbeverlydie-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0307377903" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" /></i></b>. <br />
<br />
In this book he brings compelling evidence that we reach conclusions quickly, and produce reasons later <i>only to justify what we've already decided. </i>He even references demand-resistance, though not by that name.<i><br /></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/aSjCBizn7eI" width="420"></iframe><br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
In a split second, Person B's "gut reaction" is that s/he doesn't <i>like </i>Person A's wild nail polish plans. It's <i>not </i>based on facts or logic, though s/he may truly believe it is. S/he doesn't like it, therefore it's <i>wrong</i>, therefore s/he must convince Person A that it's wrong. Her/his verbal response may be:<br />
<ul>
<li>I can't believe you wasted your money [or <i>our </i>money] on something so stupid.</li>
<li>That color is so ugly.</li>
<li>Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy? </li>
<li>You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.</li>
<li>Did you forget we have plans this weekend? When did you think you were going to do this wild manicure scheme?</li>
<li>I don't suppose you remembered to pick up the Whoosits I asked you to get, did you?</li>
<li>I wish something so shallow and superficial made <i>me </i>happy. </li>
</ul>
<b><br /></b>
<b>Person B has changed the script.</b> Whatever Person A replies now, the only <i>correct </i>response for Person B has become, "I accept your opinion/displeasure/dominance, and will no longer proceed to paint my nails this color."<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
JADEing is an attempt to return to the first script.</h3>
<br />
Person A really does want Person B's approval, or at the very least, tolerance and not <i>dis</i>approval. JADEing assumes that the issue is a failure in communication, that Person B can be won over, <i>if only the right reasons are presented.</i><br />
<br />
But because Person's B's reaction is emotional, not logical, no matter how many of her/his arguments get shot down, s/he will come back with more, because s/he <i>knows it is wrong</i> for Person A to wear that nail polish.<br />
<br />
The issue is not (and never was, really) about a minor fashion choice. <b>It's about whose opinion/wish gets validated.</b><br />
<br />
The only way the conversation can end is if either Person A or Person B realizes that the script is not going to be followed, and exits the circular conversation, because the relationship is more important than "winning" their point.<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
JADEing is about getting sucked into a power struggle.</h3>
<br />[Justifying]<br />
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.<br />
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.<br />
Person B: You're always splurging. Don't you think a homeless person would have appreciated you dropping the money in his cup?<br />
Person A: I am <i>not </i>always splurging, I haven't bought anything for myself in months, and I give plenty of money to homeless people and charity.<br />
Person B: If you have any left after wasting your money on ugly nail polish.<br />
<br />
[Arguing] <br />
Person B: That color is ugly.<br />
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.<br />
Person B: Just because it looks good on a garden shed doesn't mean it's a good color for nail polish. It'll make your hands look like a corpse.<br />
Person A: It will not. I've never seen a corpse with robin's egg blue nails.<br />
Person B: Like you're an expert on dead bodies?<br />
<br />
[Defending] <br />
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?<br />
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.<br />
Person B: Oh, so Ann Romney is a fashion icon now? And your role model?<br />
Person A: She's a lovely woman. I don't have to agree with her politics to notice she's attractive.<br />
Person B: I got news for ya, sweetheart, she pays a lot for that hair, wardrobe, and makeup. You think you're in that league?<br />
Person A: It's not an entire wardrobe, it's a bottle of nail polish, for Pete's sake!<br />
Person B: So you think you can accomplish with one bottle of nail polish what she needs an entire staff of top stylists to pull off? Good luck with that!<br />
<br />
[Explaining] <br />
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.<br />
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you. <br />
Person B: I can still smell it on you when you come in.<br />
Person A: Fine, I'll stay out an extra 15 minutes to make sure any smell has disappated.<br />
Person B: I don't understand why you can't just let your nails stay their natural color.<br />
Person A: It's fun, it's a quick and easy way to feel young and pretty.<br />
Person B: *snorts* They say there's no fool like an old fool.<br />
<br />
Eventually, Person B may get her/his way - persuading Person A not to wear the nail polish. Or, Person A may wear it anyway, but all the joy will have been sucked out of doing so. When JADEing mode is entered, neither party feels heard or satisfied.<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Let's try cutting JADE off at the pass.</h3>
<br />
<i><b>Here's some ways Person A can end the circular conversation. </b></i><br />
<br />
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.<br />
Person
A: What one person considers wasteful, others consider a necessity.
Sounds like you're in a sour mood; want to tell me about it?<br />
<br />
Person B: That color is so ugly.<br />
Person A: I'm sorry you think so, but I like it. What movie shall we see this weekend?<br />
<br />
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?<br />
Person A [joking]: Crap, you've discovered my secret identity; grandparent by day, Grandmaster Trendsetter by night. <br />
<br />
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.<br />
Person A: You do seem to get a lot of headaches. What does your doctor say about that?<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><b>Here's some ways Person B can end the circular conversation.</b></i><br />
<br />
<div style="line-height: 0px; padding-bottom: 2px;">
<a href="http://pinterest.com/pin/330803535099047728/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://media-cache-ec6.pinterest.com/upload/420664421413756748_pLarjymF_c.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Source: <a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5497129389773629007" style="color: #76838b; font-size: 10px; text-decoration: underline;">Uploaded by user</a> via <a href="http://pinterest.com/paoramiirez/" style="color: #76838b; font-size: 10px; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Pao</a> on <a href="http://pinterest.com/" style="color: #76838b; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Pinterest</a></div>
</div><br />
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.<br />
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.<br />
Person
B: You're right, I'm sorry I called it stupid. I'm sure I've spent as
much or more money on things you'd consider silly, too. We're all
entitled to splurge once in a while.<br />
<br /><br /><br />
Person B: That color is so ugly.<br />
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.<br />
Person B: You know, you're right. I do like that color on the garden shed, and I am sure I will get used to it on you, because you make everything beautiful.<br />
<br />
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?<br />
Person
A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann
Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost
exactly this shade.<br />
Person B: You know, you're right. I'm sorry I said you were too old. I think <i>I'm</i> too old, to get used to all these new fashions - but you'll be patient with me, won't you? [joking] Have you seen my buttonhook around?<br />
<br />
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.<br />
Person
A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my
manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you. <br />
Person B: I don't think I've given you enough credit for doing that, and I do appreciate it. Sometimes, though, the odor is still really intense for me when you come inside. Would you be offended if I went into another room or let you know it still was too strong for me?<br />
<br />
<br />
It takes time, practice, and above all, awareness, to realize you (or another person) have gotten sucked into a JADEing loop, which becomes not hearing, respecting, or validating the other person, but "I <i>must </i>win this point."<br />
<br />
If an argument or discussion ends with one party feeling deflated,
stupid, or disrespected, then both parties have lost, even the person
who thinks s/he "won." <br />
<br />
Relationships are not supposed to be wars. A successful relationship is where the goal is not that one person wins, and the other loses, but that <i>both </i>win.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts? </i></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">
<a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/?px" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=8eb2263a-ca5b-49ea-b159-29ad3969644a" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-72144505417499295662013-01-15T05:00:00.000-08:002013-01-15T05:00:13.355-08:00Too Perfect Tuesday - Reinforce Positive Changes Sensitively<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<i>This post continues with <b>Living With the Obsessive: 7 - Reinforce </b></i><i><b><b><i>Positive </i></b>Changes</b></i><i><b> - But Do It Sensitively </b></i><i>from Chapter Ten.</i><br />
<br />
<i>This series looks at a small snippet of <b><u>The</u></b> book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka <a class="zem_slink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_personality_disorder" rel="wikipedia" target="_blank" title="Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder">OCPD</a>,
each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the
FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.</i><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=wwwbeverlydie-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0449908003" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
</div>
<br />
When
Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and
Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. If you believe
you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether
that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for
additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><i>7</i> - Reinforce Positive Changes - But Do It Sensitively<i><br /></i></b>
<snip> If your spouse, parent, co-worker or friend does begin to behave less obsessively, you need to realize that this is a real accomplishment that shows not only strength and courage, but a commitment to making your relationship better. Often it's an act of love.<br />
<br />
<snip> Drawing attention to changes in the obsessive may make him uneasy. For one thing, he may still feel tentative about the changes, and too blatant an acknowledgment of them may make him feel more committed to maintaining them than he can tolerate.<br />
<br />
You must also consider the impact of the obsessive's all-or-nothing thinking. If you react too strongly to the slightest improvement (if, for example, he comes home from work an hour earlier than usual), he may fear that you'll expect him to do it every night. If you comment favorably on his decreased demands for orderliness, again his anxiety might rise. He may think that now you'll expect him to change still <i>more</i>, and he may dig in his heels. <snip></blockquote>
<br />
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<a href="https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6897305600/h53362C77/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6897305600/h53362C77/" width="320" /></a></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
You'll probably do better to reinforce behavioral improvements in only the most subtle, gentle ways. Effective reinforcers vary from one person to another. Most people like such things as affection, praise, or sex, but not everyone. Some respond best to silence, food, or even distances. You have to tune into your obsessive and discern his or her specific reinforcers.<br />
<br />
<snip> she identified some of her own behaviors that were pushing David away - pouncing gleefully upon any signs that he was leaning toward a stronger commitment, for instance. Instead Barbara learned to make little or no fuss when he showed signs of moving closer to her. In fact, she would redouble her efforts to maintain her own separate interests (as hard as that was for her initially).</blockquote>
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<a href="https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6585365248/h8350CFD6/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="270" src="https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6585365248/h8350CFD6/" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<snip> She found that the more independence she achieved and the more fulfilled she became by her own separate interests, the stronger she became. Her mental picture of herself, who she was meant to be, became clearer and more cohesive. She also was more certain of what she wanted and didn't want, and about what she would and would not tolerate from David. Ultimately she felt more capable of taking care of herself should the relationship end. But that didn't happen. With less pressure on him, David became more comfortable with intimacy and with spending more time together. Eventually he was able to commit himself to engagement and finally marriage. His basic personality type didn't change; he remained fairly obsessive, while Barbara was not particularly so. Yet they were able to enrich both their lives by being together.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Some people have compared winning over an obsessive to courting a cat - I would go a step further and say it's like winning over a <i>feral </i>cat. Move too quickly, slobber over it too much, or try to drag it into your lap, and it's going to scram in the opposite direction, possibly after shredding you like a wheel of cheese as it exits. Ignore it, and it <i>may</i> come check you out.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6880840448/h6FEDE70A/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6880840448/h6FEDE70A/" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">from <a href="http://cheezburger.com/6880840448" target="_blank">Icanhazcheezburger</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I've blogged here before about my mistake in praising a specific meal my ex made too highly; something he made at least 2-3 times each month in the first two years we lived together. My birthday was coming up, and he asked what I would like for dinner that night; I named that dish, and went into too much detail about how much I liked it, and how well he made it. Demand-resistance kicked in; not only did he have excuses as to why he couldn't make it for me for my birthday, but in the following four years we lived together, <i>he never made that meal again.</i><br />
<br />
If you want sex, or physical affection, you might have to play hard to get, because the "normal" interactions of touching shoulders, arms, hands, etc., again may wake demand-sensitivity or demand resistance. If a hoarder cleans out a drawer, a brief acknowledgment is probably better than excessive praise or discussion of when the next twenty drawers will be addressed.<br />
<br />
If you want a "normal" relationship, you will not have one with an un- or undertreated obsessive person. You will <i>always </i>have to move slowly, carefully, and sensitively, aware that s/he may take your foibles personally, and trying to keep in mind that hers or his foibles probably <i>aren't</i> personal.<br />
<br />
I'm a "cat" person (though I like dogs, too). I've had many, over the years (though maximum of three at the same time; I'm not a <i>crazy </i>cat person). One cat I had nearly her entire life, from an eight-week kitten to when she died of thyroid disease at 15. In that entire time, she crawled into my lap <i>maybe</i> three times. She was super-shy and skittish with people, that was her temperament (though she got along fine with the other cat). There were times I barely saw her except at mealtimes, and if startled, I might not see her even at mealtimes for days. In her last three years, when she was in an affectionate mood, she <i>might </i>jump onto my bed and sleep at my feet, or curl up next to me when I was watching TV or crafting. I don't think she <i>ever </i>did the I-love-you/feed-me ankle-rub trick that most cats do<i>.</i><br />
<br />
That worked fine for me, with that cat. She was my <i>cat</i>, not an intimate partner. But I did want more, in an intimate partner. I wanted to <i>not </i>always have to be on guard, to not always be bandaging my scratches, to be able to give and receive affection freely and without reservation. To be able to compliment a meal without worrying whether I had praised it/him too much and thus stressed him out with my unspoken expectations.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6940550656/h20F02B6A/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6940550656/h20F02B6A/" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
My ex couldn't give me what I needed in a relationship, although he did and does have many wonderful qualities. If you love an obsessive person, s/he may not be as extreme as my ex was - or might be even more so. You may not be as hurt or troubled by the behaviors as I was. So <i>your </i>relationship may work fine.<br />
<br />
Keep in mind, though, that all the work and love and patience and understanding in the world will not change a feral cat into a lap cat - and certainly won't change her/him into a tail-wagging, always happy-to-see-you isn't-my-master-<i>wonderful</i> dog. Change yourself, first, as Barbara did, and many of us have learned the hard way. Learn to be independent and how to maintain good boundaries, and <i>then</i>, from that viewpoint, you can more easily discern if the relationship is worth keeping, or whether you need to move on.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts<span style="font-size: x-small;">?</span></i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i></i></span></div>
<div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">
<a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/?px" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=ef7fc574-76db-4762-a9f5-4cf6fc205837" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-9064363469416063822013-01-08T05:00:00.000-08:002013-01-08T08:11:42.932-08:00Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem & Independence<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EDjdvL5EGkw/UN-G32K42JI/AAAAAAAAAuQ/9SdTEZeVA6A/s1600/IMGP0707.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EDjdvL5EGkw/UN-G32K42JI/AAAAAAAAAuQ/9SdTEZeVA6A/s400/IMGP0707.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Be a dragon - fiercely guarding your independence.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i>This post continues with <b>Living With the Obsessive: 6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence</b></i><i><b> </b></i><i>from Chapter Ten.</i><br />
<br />
<i>This series looks at a small snippet of <b><u>The</u></b> book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka <a class="zem_slink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_personality_disorder" rel="wikipedia" target="_blank" title="Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder">OCPD</a>,
each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the
FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.</i><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=wwwbeverlydie-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0449908003" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
</div>
<br />
<br />
When
Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and
Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. If you believe
you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether
that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for
additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><i>6</i> - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence</b><br />
<br />
Many obsessives hate to be dependent upon anything or anyone; they equate dependency with vulnerability. Unconsciously they feel that allowing their lives to revolve around another person would leave them open to utter devastation - should the other person turn against them, for example, or stop loving them, or even die. As a result, most don't let themselves depend too heavily even upon their closest friends and lovers.<br />
<br />
<snip> For one thing, if you've made yourself completely dependent upon him, the obsessive may feel that you've imposed on him the frightening or burdensome responsibility of being absolutely indispensable to your emotional well-being. Given his need for a sense of options and freedom, this may both frighten and anger him.<br />
<br />
<snip>Another aspect of being emotionally dependent on a relationship is that your sense of worth comes to rely upon feedback from the other person. Even minor variations in that feedback may cause your self-esteem and sense of security to plunge or soar. You're really setting yourself up for emotional turbulence if you rely too heavily upon approval or praise from some obsessives, because they aren't particularly good at expressing these things. Remember: their style of perception is to notice and be bothered by what's <i>not </i>right with things. And their need to guard their emotions may make it hard for them to show positive feelings or appreciation.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7yYa1snqZXU/UN-HhMQNT4I/AAAAAAAAAuY/1gpE-cfQ2Wo/s1600/IMGP0728.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7yYa1snqZXU/UN-HhMQNT4I/AAAAAAAAAuY/1gpE-cfQ2Wo/s400/IMGP0728.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Cross the bridge, if you dare!</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<snip> Start by trying to rediscover who you are - who <i>you </i>were before you met the other person. Work on developing separate interests and then pursue them vigorously, just as you would have if you had not become involved at this time. Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.<br />
<br />
As you struggle to establish your separate self, feelings of anxiety and insecurity may assail you. You may feel empty or isolated at first. You may worry that you are jeopardizing the relationship by not paying it enough attention. Fight these feelings! Try to act as if you felt strong and safe. Don't let the other person get the idea that your happiness or security depends entirely upon reassurance from him or her. More important, don't <i>you </i>accept that notion as unalterable true, because it isn't.<br />
<br />
What <i>is </i>true is that at some point your friend or lover <i>could </i>decide to end the relationship, and you have no control over that. Throughout this book, I've discussed self-defeating aspects of the obsessive's need for complete control. The same dynamic applies to you. The more you attempt to mold your relationship, the more vigilantly you watch over it, the more likely you are to poison it. In some respects, the commitment-fearing obsessive is like a cat: most likely to remain close to you when you're absorbed in your own interests and to scoot away when you embrace it too vigorously.<br />
<br />
Learn to accept the fact that any relationship could end. Find a way to resign yourself to that possibility. It's true that it would be extremely painful, but in the vast majority of cases, that pain is temporary. Don't think for a moment that you couldn't get through it. You could. And just as you have before, you would eventually find happiness with someone else.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
</blockquote>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lJRcBBUtCVg/UN-IFFkX36I/AAAAAAAAAug/5etHXO2Wikg/s1600/IMGP0752.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lJRcBBUtCVg/UN-IFFkX36I/AAAAAAAAAug/5etHXO2Wikg/s400/IMGP0752.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>The reflection enhances the bridge, <br />but the bridge exists, even if there was no reflection.</i><br />
<i>You are the <b>bridge</b>, not the reflection.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<b>Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.</b> To me, this is the key sentence of the entire book, for partners, children, siblings, and co-workers of a Perfectionist Personality. (Though you need to read the entire book to "get" the full picture of why obsessives behave as they do, and <i>why </i>hoovering and being enmeshed doesn't make things better, but instead is gasoline on the fire.)<br />
<br />
No matter how much time, energy, and effort you pour into a relationship, <i>you yourself can't fix it.</i> What you <i>can </i>do is make things better for yourself, rediscover who you are.<br />
<br />
Maybe you liked to paint, or bake bread, or carve wood, and were dissuaded, over time, because your partner was dismayed by the mess. <i>Reclaim that hobby.</i> Maybe you used to meet once a week with friends to discuss reading or writing, and gave it up because you were tired of coming home to World War Three. (I know I did.) <i> Put it back on your schedule. </i>Maybe you love exploring local museums and gardens -<i> get a friend, or go on your own, if your partner hates that kind of thing.</i><br />
<br />
<i> </i><b>It will be hard.</b> You <i>will </i>get blowback, Your partner may pout, throw tantrums, or try to sabotage your efforts to reclaim your soul. <i>Do it anyway.</i> <br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oSKqszmGDmU/UN-FrdaQxzI/AAAAAAAAAt0/G7YSsOs0HRc/s1600/IMGP0686.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oSKqszmGDmU/UN-FrdaQxzI/AAAAAAAAAt0/G7YSsOs0HRc/s320/IMGP0686.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>look at the variety of color in these roses!</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Eventually they may see that no matter what they say or do, you're <i>going </i>to go for coffee with your girlfriends on Thursday nights, or spend Saturday mornings working on your classic car - whatever YOUR "thing" is, as long as you still leave time for family activities (don't go overboard and spend <i>all </i>your time on you), they have no grounds to complain. They will probably complain anyway, and <b>it will be hard</b>, and you will feel exhausted <i>at first</i>, but over time, you will feel the abandoned garden of your life sprouting roses again.<br />
<br />
Remember not to JADE: <u><i><b>J</b></i></u>ustify, <u><i><b>A</b></i></u>rgue, <u><i><b>D</b></i></u>efend or <u><i><b>E</b></i></u>xplain. It is enough to tell your partner, "Honey, I've decided to rejoin my Sunday night writers' group, starting this weekend. I'll be leaving at 6:30 on those nights and home around 10:30."<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Why? "<br />
"Because I want to."<br />
"But we usually spend Sunday nights watching TV. I guess you don't love me anymore, if you don't want to spend any time together. And how will you ever be ready for work on Monday morning when you're out partying with your friends till late Sunday night?"<br />
"Hon? Love you, done talking about this."<br />
"But-"<br />
"Done. Talking."</blockquote>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tLmyfC3K2Ds/UN-Gn_wHdII/AAAAAAAAAuA/NKj-FvRQxCw/s1600/IMGP0700.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tLmyfC3K2Ds/UN-Gn_wHdII/AAAAAAAAAuA/NKj-FvRQxCw/s320/IMGP0700.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>A real Wisteria Lane.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Did I mention it will be hard?</b> The enmeshment probably happened slowly, gradually, and now it is as deep-rooted as ivy that has choked off every inch of the garden. You might not feel like you know who "you" are, anymore, but whatever roles you fill: daughter, sister, aunt, mother, wife, friend, co-worker - <b>you are MORE than that. </b>You need to tap down to the root of you, water and fertilize it.<br />
<br />
As mentioned in <i><b>Too Perfect</b></i>, if you depend upon a person who's hard-wired to notice flaws, to notice and compliment all your <i>good </i>qualities, you are doomed to disappointment. You must find a way to <i>fill yourself up</i>, separate and apart from your interactions with that person, no matter who s/he is or how long your relationship has lasted (if it's a parent, it's been your whole life).<br />
<br />
If you reclaim you, your relationship may survive; it may improve, or it may end. But if your relationship is built upon you killing and sacrificing everything you love to do, everything that feeds your soul and makes you feel good about yourself, then are "you" really in that relationship, anyway?<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>All photos, except for the Too Perfect book link, were taken by the author <br />at Pasadena's Huntington Gardens.</i></span></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-33185709907781598852013-01-01T05:00:00.000-08:002013-01-01T05:00:06.074-08:00Too Perfect Tuesdays - Don't Pressure the Obsessive<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/wwarby/3016549999/" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Pressure Gauge by wwarby, on Flickr"><img alt="Pressure Gauge" height="174" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3146/3016549999_02e1883f93.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">via <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/wwarby/3016549999/" target="_blank">Flickr Creative Commons</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i>This post continues with <b>Living With the Obsessive: 5 - Don't Pressure the Obsessive</b></i><i><b> </b></i><i>from Chapter Ten.</i><br />
<br />
<i>This series looks at a small snippet of <b><u>The</u></b> book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka <a class="zem_slink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_personality_disorder" rel="wikipedia" target="_blank" title="Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder">OCPD</a>,
each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the
FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.</i><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=wwwbeverlydie-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=0449908003" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe>
</div>
<br />
<br />
When
Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and
Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. If you believe
you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether
that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for
additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><i>5</i> - Don't Pressure the Obsessive</b><br />
<br />
What about when you want the obsessive to do something - anything from making a simple decision to changing some deeply entrenched pattern?<br />
<br />
Be forewarned: any direct confrontation in which you try to force the other person to change is almost certainly doomed to failure. Your request or demand will only increase his inclination to assert his dominance or "rightness," escalating the power struggle.<br />
<br />
<snip>He and a fellow lawyer were choosing between two available offices in a building they planned to share. Hal, my patient, was perfectly content to give his associate first choice, but the other man was vacillating, holding up Hall's move into the new quarters. Hal related one of their conversations:<br />
<br />
"Once again, I asked him which one he wanted, and he told me he still couldn't decide. Since he'd been leaning toward number two, I told him that he could have it and I would take the other one. But he hit the roof, telling me that he hadn't said he wanted number two, and that the rent was higher. So I said, 'Okay. You take number one, and I'll take number two.'<br />
<br />
"'Number one is too small.'<br />
<br />
"'Would you rather I choose?'<br />
<br />
"'No! I was here first, so I think I deserve first choice.'<br />
<br />
"'Do you have any idea when you'll know which office you want?'<br />
<br />
"'I don't know'."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/klim/387846060/" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="workplace_empty by klimontovich, on Flickr"><img alt="workplace_empty" height="240" src="http://farm1.staticflickr.com/144/387846060_5494576e96.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">via <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/klim/387846060/" target="_blank">Flickr Creative Commons</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
At first, maybe the other man's goal really was, as he consciously believed, to pick the office that best suited his needs; secondarily, he may have enjoyed the sense of control he felt in making Hal wait. But when Hal pressured him, that changed. The associate became more invested in keeping the control, which he did by obstructing Hal. The more impatient Hal got, the more determined the other was to delay his decision, because by now he as angry. He couldn't show it directly because he had no logical reason for it. So instead he unconsciously retaliated by blocking Hal.<br />
<br />
I suggested that Hal try backing off completely - that he tell the associate to take his time and call whenever he had decided. When I saw Hal a week later, he said that given that leeway, his associate had decided instantly.<br />
<br />
<snip>Instead of saying, "You must change," for example, make sure you're conveying, "I would like you to do this, for reasons <i>x, y</i>, and <i>z.</i>" If you have to know your boss's plans by a certain date, tell him so, but be sure to explain why, so that he doesn't interpret your need to know as an ultimatum, a control play, or manipulation. Your reasons should always reflect <i>your own needs</i>, or your difficulty with the status quo, rather than a judgment about the obsessive's behavior. For instance, say, "If I don't find out your plans by such-and-such a time, I won't be able to obtain a reduced-rate ticket," <i>not</i>, "I hate it when you do this to me. You always make me wait, and it's so inconsiderate!"<br />
<br />
<snip> While change in the obsessive must come from within, sometimes healthy, truly unilateral changes in one partner will inspire changes in the other. We aren't truly sure why this happens, but some would say that one person's chronic tardiness and its outcome - the partner's nagging and pushing him - is a recreation of some aspect of a childhood relationship, and that it suits some need in each party. This view says that one one refuses to continue in the role of nagging, disappointed, disapproving parent, the other loses his unwitting collaborator and drops the corresponding role.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
</blockquote>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jonnyb558/7875495274/" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Stanley Road, Falkland Islands by John5199, on Flickr"><img alt="Stanley Road, Falkland Islands" height="320" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8300/7875495274_deaab18632.jpg" width="210" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">via <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jonnyb558/7875495274/" target="_blank">Flickr Creative Commons</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h3>
Tiptoeing around The Right Way to approach the Perfectionist Personality can be a minefield. </h3>
<br />
While yes, much tact is needed, and Mallinger's excellent suggestions to back off if possible, or to give the reason in a non-judgmental way do work <i>much of the time</i>, sometimes they don't.<br />
<br />
My advice is, if you do your best to be tactful and non-pressuring, and your partner or parent blows up anyway, <i><b>don't take it personally.</b></i> I've heard of teens (or younger children) getting <i>blasted </i>because they had to get a parent's signature on a field trip permission slip or a report card by a certain date, and they didn't ask in the right way or at the right moment. Now, perhaps they didn't use ultimate tact or timing, but they're kids - they shouldn't <i>have </i>to.<br />
<br />
There are several families I know whose best working solution to time conflicts is to take two separate vehicles to most social events. Maybe the Perfectionist insists on being places twenty minutes early, <i>no matter what,</i> and frets over being asked to wait when he is ready to leave. Maybe the Perfectionist waits until the last minute to do her hair and is always running late. Maybe one member of the household likes to hang around and socialize after church, and the other wants to head straight home the moment the service ends. By taking two vehicles, the power squabble about when to leave is averted, even if it creates a slightly bigger gasoline bill and a few raised eyebrows from family or friends. (If anyone even notices. Outsiders generally notice less about our internal family dynamics than we think they do, and they <i>care </i>even less, being busy with their own affairs.)<br />
<br />
Some things, you <i>have </i>to jump on at the right moment - if you have a plane reservation at XX time, and there's a shuttle picking your family up at XX time to catch that reservation, you'll either make it or miss it, Sweetcheeks. Other events, like a family car road trip - if your goal is leaving at five a.m., and instead you leave at five-fifteen, or even six, this is not a national disaster.<br />
<br />
What is very true about this section of <i><b>Too Perfect</b></i>, is the observation when <i>you </i>change your habitual behavior, the dynamic in the relationship <i>will </i>change. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, sometimes it's not possible to determine in which direction it is, but it <i>will </i>be different.<br />
<br />
<h3>
When most people discover OCPD, and make an amateur diagnosis of their partner, parent, friend or co-worker, the first question is usually, "How do I change or fix this person?'</h3>
<br />
The answer, that <b>you can't change other people, only yourself,</b> feels weird, wrong, and counter-intuitive. <i>Hey, <b>they </b>are the people with the problem! Whaddya mean, I have to change <b>myself</b>?</i><br />
<br />
But it's true. First off, just because <i>they</i> (might)<i> </i>have a diagnosable mental disorder, does not mean those of us who chose to partner them, or work with them, or who are unchosen (siblings, children, parents, and so on) are totally disorder-free. We may very well have our own Issues ("Can you say co-dependence, boys and girls?"), and would do well to heed the Bible's advice about removing the beam from our own eye, as a first step.<br />
<br />
Second, what we are looking to change is not really the other person, but the dynamics of our <i>relationship </i>with the other person. Our relationship with this person, about whom we care deeply (or perhaps hate, in the case of the Boss from Hell), is currently very painful, and we want it to be <i>Not</i> Painful. Joyous, even.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<h3>
There is no fairy wand we can wave and <i>!Poof!</i> The other person is no longer obsessive and perfectionistic. </h3>
<br />
But when we change the "ballet" we've worked out - and there always is one, when Person A says/does X, Person B replies Y - we are <i>already </i>shaking things up. Doesn't matter if we are Person A or Person B, if we change the way we approach or reply to another person, they are <i>forced </i>to rethink and change the way they interact with us.<br />
<br />
<b>Does it work?</b><br />
Yes and no. It depends on what we are looking for.<br />
<br />
If we hope there is some magic formula, that, when applied, will make a relationship with a disordered person (not counting the we ourselves may have disorders of our own) into a quote normal unquote relationship, then no, it doesn't work. What is possible (sometimes) is a relationship that is more tolerable and less painful <i>for us.</i> Sometimes it may feel like what we consider normal, but we can never let our guard down, never assume that yippee, the problems are all better now. A disordered brain is like a roller skate that always wants to go left - it takes active awareness and effort to make it go right or straight, and the minute you let it go on autopilot, you end up going left again. If we are skating arm in arm with the person with the gimpy skate, we cannot blithely follow their lead.<br />
<br />
And sometimes, the other person may become so frustrated and upset that we have chosen to make major changes in the relationship dynamic, that they choose to end it, altogether. <b>There are no guarantees</b> (and sometimes, the partner of a disordered person might do anything and everything his/her partner requests, and the disordered person STILL ends the relationship).<br />
<br />
If you are hurting, and the way your current relationship is "working" is <i>not </i>working, for you, isn't it worth trying a different approach?<br />
<br />
<br />
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<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-6150752276860125562012-12-29T08:20:00.000-08:002012-12-29T08:20:35.187-08:00Empathy vs. Sympathy vs. File Not Found<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When we say we want a partner to demonstrate <b>empathy</b>, is perhaps what we really <i>mean </i> <b>sympathy</b>? <br />
<br />
From <a href="http://dictionary.com/" target="_blank">Dictionary.com</a><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<h2 class="me">
em·pa·thy</h2>
1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.<br />
2. the imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself. <i>By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<h2 class="me">
sym·pa·thy</h2>
1. harmony of agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.<br />
2. the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion of congenial dispositions.<br />
3. the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, especially in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.<br />
4. <b>sympathies</b><br />
a. feelings or impulses of compassion.<br />
b. feelings of favor, support or loyalty: <i>It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie.</i><br />
5. favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: <i>He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it.</i></blockquote>
<br />
The point has been made by some of my friends battling OCPD is that it's not that they necessarily lack empathy (though sometimes they do). In fact, when someone they love is hurting, they are often all knotted up <i>inside</i>, hurting with and for their partner, but often, none of that shows on the <i>outside</i>.<br />
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(Others <i>do </i>state they feel little to nothing for others inside. Mr. Spock is their role model; they take pride in working off a pure logic, no emotions model of behavior.) <br />
<br />
It's not really fair to expect another person to be a mind-reader and to <i>know </i>what we need, especially if we know or suspect s/he has trouble "connecting" with emotions, let alone ours. One spouse shared that when she is sick with a cold or the flu, what she wants is to be periodically checked on, for her partner to offer to bring her water or juice or soup or tissue. Her husband wants to be left the hell alone, just let him go to bed, close the door, and don't bother him.<br />
<br />
So, until they actually discussed this, they were each irritating the hell out of one another. The wife felt unloved and neglected, the husband annoyed by her solicitousness. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is an excellent rule of thumb, but sometimes it requires some fine-tuning.<br />
<br />
Sometimes the hugs need to be coached.<br />
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I became very good at "coaching my hugs," communicating my needs to my (now) ex. After kissing him hello and expressing how glad I was to see him, I might specifically say to him, "I had a really miserable day at work today. Can I bend your ear for 15 minutes and just vent? I don't need solutions, just to let off steam. And a big hug afterwards, maybe a back rub." What I would <i>receive</i> might be:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
a. "Sure, can I make you a drink first while you change out of your work clothes?"* Followed by decent listening, and a hug - sometimes good, sometimes Sheldon-style. (But never, ever the back rub. Back rubs are icky.)<br />
b. "You think <i>you </i>had a hard day? Listen to this..."<br />
c. Allowed to begin, but interrupted five minutes into my rant by <i>his </i>work horror stories<br />
d. Interrupted by advice, "I can't believe you put up with that! You should just tell that client to stick it up their ass..."<br />
e. "Well, my day didn't start off very well, either, because <i>somebody </i>forgot to wash her cereal bowl, like I have time to clean up after other people all day long."</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">*the "change out of one's work clothes" iss<span style="font-size: x-small;">ue </span>was a big deal to him - the idea of relaxing and eating dinner before changing clothes was <i>unthinkable</i>. Now that I'm on my own, sometimes I change, and sometimes I don't, and if I spill food on my work clothes, I... wash them. What a concept!</span></blockquote>
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I don't think the problem, in b-d, above, was that he wasn't feeling <b>empathy </b>- clearly, he <i>was</i> emotionally connecting with my "hard day at work" meme. But instead of giving me the <b>sympathy</b> and support I had asked for, he often springboarded into his <i>own </i>head and his <i>own </i>needs.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">On a side note, what he never, ever initiated was <i><b>negotiation</b></i>:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">a. "Honey, I am hungry and grouchy - can we postpone your rant till after dinner when I can listen better?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">b. "Yes, but can we flip a coin, winner goes first, loser goes second? Because I need to vent about my day, too." </span></blockquote>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">In other posts, I've talked about the all-or-nothing, black-or-white nature of disordered thinking, how the idea that people could meet in the middle and <i>both </i>could get their needs met, was something he could only grasp in theory, not in practice. Either it was my way or his way, rarely <i>our </i>way.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
One issue that has repeatedly surfaced is lack of support for partners or children of (many, not all) OCPD'rs in a health crisis emergency situation, and not simply because of differing expectations. When I was ill, or experiencing some health scares, my ex <i>refused </i>to come with me to my doctor's appointment, though I invited him and told him it would be extremely helpful to me.<br />
<br />
One of my sweet friend Sid's <a href="http://www.milbetweenus.com/2012/10/thursday-i-went-all-mad-cow.html" target="_blank">last blog posts</a> included this: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I had a <a href="http://www.milbetweenus.com/2012/08/cash-prices-for-health-care.html" target="_blank">medical procedure,</a>
and my doctor scheduled a follow-up appointment on a Thursday. A
Thursday where my sister and her family would be visiting my parents'
one hour south of where I live.<br />
<br />
As I'm often wont to do, I decided to shove "all of my crap into one
bag" and go into work that day, go to my follow-up appointment, take
Friday off, and hop on the train to visit with my family for the
weekend.<br />
<br />
First, I look at train schedules. I have two options: Amtrak which goes
straight through but the train station is a slight drive south of my
folks' home, or Metrolink which is closer to their home but I'd have to
change trains. <br />
<br />
No decision: Amtrak.<br />
<br />
Greg felt differently, however.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5497129389773629007" name="more"></a>G: You are SO selfish! Now your parents have to go out of their way to get you!<br />
<br />
S: They won't mind.<br />
<br />
G: And Metrolink is a few dollars cheaper!<br />
<br />
S: Yes it is. Could you give me a ride to the station after my doctor's appointment?<br />
<br />
G: Absolutely not. Not if you're taking Amtrak. So selfish, Sid.<br />
<br />
This went on for several hours, for a train ride he wasn't taking.<br />
<br />
In preparation for the appointment, Greg often reminds me to ask
such-and-such of the doctor. I usually ask the questions and share the
answers with him, but I never seem to ask it right, or enough, etc. Big
point of contention for him almost every time.<br />
<br />
S: If you do take me to the train, you could first GO to the doctor's
appointment with me and ask your questions in person. That way you'll
know what was asked and exactly what the doctor said without my watering
anything down. <br />
<br />
G: No way. NO ONE goes to their partner's doctors appointment. That's crazy.<br />
<br />
S: I don't know. I've seen it happen quite often, but if you're not
comfortable... Just trying to get you the information first hand, Dear.<br />
<br />
G: I'll make a list of questions for you to ask the doctor.<br />
<br />
S: No thank you. If you want to control the questions you can do it in person, Sweetheart.<br />
<br />
When I refused his question list, Greg refused to assist. I just planned on taking a cab instead. Must less agita.</blockquote>
Condensing, a bit: Another friend drove her to the train station. The porters assisted her onto and off of the train (and she ended up vomiting green bile while on the train). <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
But when I got off the train my mom
saw a skeleton, my sister thought I was dead, and apparently I talked in
circles that entire first night. <br />
<br />
After eating that first meal, my family could see my face fill out a bit within an hour or two.<br />
<br />
That weekend with my family, I ate, I slept, and just hung out with loved ones, feeling very safe and accepted.<br />
<br />
Unbeknownst to me, my doctor had seen a chemical imbalance between my
sodium and potassium in my bloodwork. Sis talked to a nurse friend of
hers who said that my circular discussions were consistent with that
condition.<br />
<br />
Monday, I returned to Burbank, but instead of beginning a battery of tests at appointments all week, I would <a href="http://www.milbetweenus.com/2012/08/and-those-shit-balls-kept-rolling-along.html" target="_blank">admit myself to the hospital</a> for the tests, have a sodium IV round-the-clock, and go through a diet modification and education.</blockquote>
When she got out of the hospital after the tests, Sid was still so weak she could barely walk even short distances. She looked like a Somalian famine victim, except for the red hair and freckles. The "support" she received from Greg while in the hospital was so draining, physically and emotionally, that she asked him to <i>not </i>to come back for the rest of her time there. Two months later, she was dead. While Sidney was an adult woman, who could and should have taken better care of herself, I also believe that with a more sympathetic and supportive partner, she might still be alive.<br />
<br />
I believe that in Sid's situation, in my similar experiences, in those of other people who have shared stories of a denial/refusal to help a loved one during a health crisis - it's not that the OCPD'r doesn't have empathy, doesn't care. So if we think we could have a better result, if only they had more <i>empathy </i>- maybe we're going in the wrong direction. Maybe they already have gobs of empathy, <i>crippling </i>amounts of empathy, but they need training/help in <b>sympathy</b>. <br />
<br />
I posed this question on the <a href="http://ocpd.freeforums.org/ocpd-main-board-f2.html" target="_blank">free forums</a> site: <b>We all know (I hope) that if your spouse tells you, "Honey, I think I
broke a bone; will you please drive me to the emergency room?" that The
Right Thing to do is get the car keys and not argue - am I right?</b><br />
<br />
Here was one reply, from someone with an OCPD spouse and mother, who suspects perhaps a bit of OCPDness in herself:<b> </b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I see it as denial or deliberate self-delusion based on caring too much,
rather than caring too little. My mental model of it (Note the term
mental model - I'm not saying that it's an accurate reflection of
anyone's thinking) is:<br />
<br />
- It's the OCPDer's job to discover,
implement, and enforce all of the rules that keep the universe spinning
and keep anything bad from ever, ever happening.<br />
<br />
- Something bad happened.<br />
<br />
These two things are incompatible. They lead to a choice between two equally intolerable conclusions:<br />
<br />
- Bad stuff just happens sometimes, with no way to prevent it, or <br />
<br />
- The OCPDer committed an error in performing his job to ensure that nothing bad ever happens.<br />
<br />
We
know that the first is true. The OCPDer may logically know the same
thing. But emotionally, no. To accept that is, I think, to undermine the
whole underpinning for OCPD. It would be an instantaneous cure. That's
not going to happen.<br />
<br />
And the second is equally intolerable. If
the OCPDer can make mistakes re: things that are desperately important,
like their spouse, then the whole protective structure that they've
built around themselves is utterly worthless.<br />
<br />
So it's necessary to go on to less logical but more palatable explanations. Some possible explanations that I can see are:<br />
<br />
- Nothing bad has actually happened; the event is just an ordinary everyday thing.<br />
<br />
- The bad thing is not the OCPDer's fault, it's the fault of the person that it happened to.<br />
<br />
- The OCPDer doesn't actually care about the person. Look at them, after all, how imperfect and annoying they are.<b> </b></blockquote>
Another interesting reply to the question: <b>We all know (I hope) that if your spouse tells you, "Honey, I think I
broke a bone; will you please drive me to the emergency room?" that The
Right Thing to do is get the car keys and not argue - am I right?<i> </i></b>came from someone diagnosed with and struggling with this disorder:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Yes, you're right. <img alt=":)" src="http://ocpd.freeforums.org/images/smilies/icon_e_smile.gif" title="Smile" />
But you're right in a language the OCPDr, at least in my experience,
doesn't grasp in practice. Intellectually, in theory, in fantasy, sure.
But in taking action? That alien, otherness that I often speak of -
this is the heart of it.<br />
<br />
What happens in these situations is a
system breakdown, "file not found," from what I can tell. The rest -
any action the OCPD'r does actually take - is fallout, dysfunctional,
nonfunctional, whatever. Shame, frustration, fear, become defensiveness,
anger, blame.<br />
<br />
Empathy & compassion flow on impulse, a word
more often associated with things like fun and spontaneity. But when
you think about situations calling for empathy, some being illnesses,
accidents, emergencies, these are unmapped territories that a person
acts on with impulse, to caretake, to help, to allow the other to heal
and feel better, without concern for doing it right. I'm not talking
morally here, I'm talking protocol, even where and when protocol simply
doesn't apply. We impose the word moral here sometimes in regard to the
OCPDr but as I have before, I disagree with that. OCPD'rs work with
plans and maps and protocol, those sorts of sanctioned "right" ways.
But no two situations like these are alike, even if an illness repeats,
or some detail may be similar, there are so many x factors that each one
is completely unknown and uncharted. There's literally no conduit for
the empathy to flow from.<br />
<br />
Now, if a situation does repeat closely
enough, or I've observed someone else taking the exact same action
that's called for - I may do fine. If my brain detects a match, inside
what happens is "aha, I know this one. I can do this one." Break a
second bone a week later and I'll drive you to the ER without
hesitation, so long as there's a clean & clear view of action to be
taken.</blockquote>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 180px;">sympathy doll (Photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/38459497@N00/2123462585" target="_blank">brendaj</a>)</td></tr>
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So, IMO, it's not that those with this disorder lack <b>empathy </b>- but they lack <b>sympathy</b>. They can't express what they feel in a way that is helpful to you. Much like a computer given a command it doesn't recognize, you'll get: File Not Found. Maybe the average person doesn't <i>need </i>a script, doesn't need to be coached in the appropriate length of a hug, or not to argue with a partner who needs a ride to the hospital or a train station, but those with this and similar disorders <i>do</i>.<br />
<br />
To expect them to "exceed their programming limitations" in times of crisis is akin to expecting your bird to start catching mice.<br />
<br />
<br />
The problem is that when you as the partner are experiencing the heart attack, broken bone, or life-threatening illness, you may not have the time or patience to clearly and calmly help your partner or parent through <i>their </i>meltdown over <i>your </i>health crisis.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Your thoughts?</i></div>
<br />
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The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5497129389773629007.post-13767153399821989272012-12-25T23:37:00.000-08:002012-12-25T23:37:47.629-08:00The Hoover Has Lost Its Suction<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:NMAH_DC_-_IMG_8859.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:left;"><img alt="Early electric vacuum cleaner by Electric Suct..." border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="400" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/df/NMAH_DC_-_IMG_8859.JPG/300px-NMAH_DC_-_IMG_8859.JPG" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="300" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 300px;">Early electric vacuum cleaner by Electric Suction Sweeper Company, circa 1908, predecessor of Hoover vacuum cleaner (1922). Exhibit in National Museum of American History, Washington, DC, USA. (Photo credit: <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:NMAH_DC_-_IMG_8859.JPG" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
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When I started this blog, I had recently moved out from a home I shared with my (undiagnosed) OCPD boyfriend, though at the time we were continuing to "date." As things progressed, I realized I was not and never could be happy with him, and decided to make an official split after the New Year, about three years ago.<br />
<br />
And then, I <i>couldn't</i> wait. I couldn't, absolutely could NOT, be "with him" to ring in the New Year as part of a couple, when I was all but chewing my own leg off to be completely free. So, I made an official break with him, in between Christmas and before New Year's, though we have "stayed friends," and I have seen him from time to time.<br />
<br />
And he is... not, miraculously, cured. He is always on his best behavior when we meet or speak, and hoovers as best he can. He tells me he loves me, he thinks of me every day, misses me, blah blah, and yet<br />
<ul>
<li>He has not made a move to get of any of the items that cluttered our home and garage. In fact, the hoard has increased in the room that had been our shared office.</li>
<li>He has not "had time" to set up the computer I gave him over two years ago when his old one was failing. (He has no real day job, and he used to work on computers for a living, so it's not beyond his skillset.)</li>
<li>He is very proud of his anorectic "discipline" in losing weight and fitting into his older jeans. (He <i>was </i>160 lbs on a 6'1" frame - he looks to have lost at least 10-15 lbs. And he's critical of me because I have gone in the opposite direction.)</li>
<li>He continues in monologue "loops" repeating the same thing 3-5 times in the course of several minutes. Much of what I say to him doesn't "stick" in his memory till the next time we talk, and his "conversation" is more a kind of verbal diarrhea/loosing the floodgates. There is no interrupting, changing the subject, or squeezing a word in edgewise until he's talked himself out.</li>
<li>I don't know if he is drinking to excess all the time, but he seems to do it quite a bit before he calls me, or on the rare occasions we've visited together. Doesn't help the monologuing.</li>
</ul>
<br />
He's made various attempts to control me, to no avail. For instance, there was a family event to which we were both invited, in September. (One of the reasons I can't entirely cut him out of my life, he has a decades-long friendship with several members of my family.) He called to ask if I could give him a ride to/from the event (in theory, so he could save on gas, but actually, so he could drink). I said I would, but as part of the event included a religious ceremony beforehand, I would need to pick him up at XX time.<br />
<br />
Well, he didn't <i>want </i>to go to the religious ceremony. It would be too hot, he whined. (This was three weeks before the event.) I said, yep, it's hot right now, it could very well still be hot then, or it might not, but <i>I</i> was going to the religious ceremony, so if he wanted to ride with me, he'd have to deal with it. Or we could see if another family member could give him a ride, and I could give him a ride home afterwards. Then he got all snippy about how he was perfectly capable of getting there by himself and didn't <i>need </i>a ride from me. I think he thought I'd apologize for offending him, as I would've done, back in the day, but I just said, "Okay, whatever."<br />
<br />
At the event, he fastened himself to my side like a barnacle. Which was fine; it was a very noisy venue, and it wasn't like I was planning to pick up a date or engage in serious conversation there anyway. Then he left in somewhat of a tiff because he got offended at something or I wasn't paying him enough attention, who knows?! I think he was simply overwhelmed - by the crowd, by the noise - and because he was driving, he wasn't able to drink enough to quell his anxiety.<br />
<br />
I had him over for drinks on Thanksgiving - but did not ask him to stay for dinner, and declined his invitation to come to his place (<i>our </i>old place) for dinner, but did go see him last weekend, though NOT on Christmas itself nor Christmas Eve.<br />
<br />
Oh, hilarious, I showed him a recent picture of one of my sisters, who
he knows, and he thought she looked "scary" because she was wearing "too
much makeup." (Trust me, she wasn't, and even if she was, he thought
saying that would endear him to me?)<br />
<br />
On TV, because he always has the TV on, he had on some surfing documentary (he surfed as a teen, before he decided he hated the beach because it has icky sand and salt water). Primed by that, he engaged in his lecture mode which I remember so well. Obviously, he'd seen the program before - perhaps several times. He would parrot the points the narrator had either just made or was about to make, seemingly unaware that he wasn't bringing anything new to the table. He used to do this several times a week when I was living with him, and it drove me crazy. Now I find it pitiful and only slightly annoying, though I also know I could NEVER stand a steady diet of it again.<br />
<br />
I noticed the sofa and chair are now entirely covered by towels and blankets, so as to keep the material from getting soiled. He kept offering me food and drinks, trying to press me to drink something more, something more even though I declined.<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:War-horse-poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:left;"><img alt="War Horse (film)" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/d/da/War-horse-poster.jpg/300px-War-horse-poster.jpg" style="border: medium none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="216" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 300px;">War Horse (film) (Photo credit: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:War-horse-poster.jpg" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
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We also watched a movie he wanted to share with me. (I brought one down with me I thought he'd like, but he couldn't deal with a change of plans.) So we saw <i>War Horse</i>, which I did enjoy very much, though I found I had to slip into old habits to block out his babbling during the movie. At a few dramatic scenes, he held my hand, and I let him, but I felt... nothing for this alcoholic old man, almost 60 now, but pity and revulsion.<br />
<br />
<br />
It's so sad, all in all. I know he is bitterly lonely. All these things are his efforts to connect; he just doesn't have in him a way to connect that is real and honest and <i>interesting</i>. At the risk of being rude, I will say it - he BORES me now. His old man crochets and his whining fussiness and his monologuing and his nervous chain smoking...<br />
<br />
Yuck, I came home and couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, as despite the many smokeless ashtrays and air cleaners my clothes smelled like an ashtray.<br />
<br />
The single, part-time job he has - being property manager of his little house, and one up front - has now thrown him for a tizzy because he may have to find new renters for the front house. Which means he might have to go <i>online </i>(he's kept subscriptions to all the movie channels, but not for internet access, because I paid for that, and he can't afford the expense. *snort*) I suggested that he <i>get </i>internet access, or go online through his best buddy, or at the library. (In other words, don't look at me, dude.)<br />
<br />
He tried all the rehearsed moves he had made decades before, the husky whispers, the "I'm still so in love with you," and they left me cold. His lips have apologized many times for hurting me - but he never really understood how and why he hurt me, and he still doesn't. The last time I tried to discuss one of the more egregious instances, he insisted that "in an emergency situation" ( a hot water pipe had burst) he was <i>entitled </i>to scream obscenities at me (for not mopping the floor fast enough). While I held to the bizarre notion that even in a true, life-threatening emergency - which that was <i>not </i>- neither of us had the <i>right </i>to scream obscenities at one another, but were still obligated to treat each other with dignity and respect, even if we got excited and raised our voices.<br /><br />Of course, he has no intention of getting professional help for body or mind. Doesn't need it; can't afford it.<br />
<br />
Although he is showing few signs of the explosive anger that used to frighten me back in the day, I'm not convinced it's gone. He cried over the Sandy Hook massacre, but I'm not entirely sure he won't "suicide by cop" someday, or decide to punish <i>me </i>for humiliating him via this blog, or when I begin dating again. I don't <i>expect </i>it, I have no grounds to report him as an imminent threat to me or himself, but it wouldn't surprise me. Like <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/25/william-spengler-set-trap_n_2362433.html" target="_blank">the guy who just ambushed the firefighters</a> in Webster, New York, my ex is not in his right mind, AND he has a cache of several weapons and plenty of ammo. So, I will be careful, and continue to keep contact between us to the minimum, with no false promises or hints of reconciliation on my end.<br />
<br />
I can and do pity the man, but the Hoover has lost all suction for me.<br />
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The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com0