What Did You Get in Your Bag? A #Fat-Shaming Letter!

Everybody who's ever been an American kid can remember the thrill of Halloween: the excitement of deciding what to "be," the fun of dressing up and showing off to our grandparents and teachers, the excitement of going door to door "in disguise" to get treats from the neighbors.

And remember this part? Comparing the goodies with our friends?

This year, there's a nasty letter circulating on the 'net, that some woman calling herself "Cheryl" purportedly claimed to a radio station that she intended to hand out to those children she deems "moderately obese," instead of candy.

My hope is that "Cheryl" really enjoys cleaning TP and eggs off the side of her house.

What makes the Charlie Brown clip funny, is that we know and trust that adults wouldn't really give some kids candy, and give another child a rock. The inherent unfairness is obvious.


Now, there is some chatter that "Cheryl," and the letter itself, are a prank and it's not going to be passed out to kids after all. This is a good thing.

But here's what I find disturbing and a sign of sickness in our society.

That while most people are in agreement that the idea is horrific and cruel, a minority are openly expressing their support for "Cheryl" and this letter. They think the way to solve childhood obesity is by shaming fat children.

Basically, fat people in our society are treated much like Jews in early 1930's Germany - it was not only accepted, but expected you would harass them. (Mind you, I'm talking about the time before Jews and many other people were rounded up and sent to concentration camps, when they were "only" being spit on and beat up.)

Like Jews wearing a yellow star, or people of color living in a primarily white-skinned community, or those in a wheelchair, fat people never "pass" as "normal" people.

But unlike being a person of color or Jewish, being fat is a choice, right?

Actually, scientific evidence is pointing to many signs that obesity is very complicated. There are genetic factors, environmental factors, links to the influence of various poisons and chemicals that now permeate our bodies in a way they didn't a few hundred years ago. And there is also substantial evidence that people on various medicines "blow up" or lose weight, and it has nothing to do with willpower, diet or exercise. In a poignant rant on my other blog, TL Hamrick said:

As a person who was painfully thin until my early twenties, and struggled (and still struggle) with weight, especially at about age 30, when my PCOS went into full swing. I spent a good part of my 30's overweight or obese, lost weight, kept it off for about 2 years, received a treatment/implant that caused my diet/exercise to fail and gained it all back, plus... and lost it again. Now I am on the too skinny side due to a serious health issue that I am recovering from, and will I ever be morbidly obese again?

I hope not. But... if I am, I will continue my striving for health at any weight, and the body comments? Do. Not. Want.

Shaming People Doesn't Work - But Let's Do It Anyway

Let's put aside medical issues, and all the other reason people may be too fat. Let's accept (for a moment) the premise that there are many people who CHOOSE to be overweight because they are lazy and undisciplined, yada yada. Let's accept the (now scientifically disputed) premise that being even moderately overweight is unhealthy.

Therefore, as a society, we want to help these people lose weight.

What's the best way we, as a society can do this?

Scientific studies (I know, again with the science!) point out that shaming, whether self-shaming or shaming by frenemies and outsiders, not only doesn't work for long-term weight loss, it actually has been proven to have the opposite effect.

Okay. So when we point out to people that a) people are fat for many different reasons, and b) fat-shaming doesn't work, they stop, right?

That Would Make Sense, But No

I have found, though engaging with people on places like FaceBook and various chat boards, there are some people (OCPD? who knows?) who insist on their right to continue bullying fat people, even fat children, because "they are disgusting." Because "it's for their own good."

They express every intention to continue to hate on fat people, even fat children, who are at the mercy of genes, medicine, and parental control, for being fat. While at the same time, they want to assume the high moral ground. They want credit for being "good people," they are deeply offended when people call them even mild things like cruel or "willfully ignorant" or bullies.

But they are bullies.

My ex was like this, too, and that's one of many reasons he is my ex. He thought he was doing me a favor when he would tell me that I would look really good "if you lost another ten pounds" or when, if I dared to eat a modest lunch, he'd curl his lip in disgust and make a comment about me "pigging out again."

Even when I tried to talk to him about how harmful what he was doing was, to me and to our relationship, he could not adjust his settings.

If you are one of those people who feels justified in making negative comments about fat people (or skinny people, or white people, black people, people of a different religion, whatever), it's not because THEY have a problem.

It's because you do.

Have you ever been bullied about your weight?

Are you aware when a fat-shaming message comes out of your mouth?

Your thoughts?

A-Z: Finding A Scapegoat Doesn't Make Anyone All Better

The Scapegoat by William Homan Hunt via Wikimedia Commons

Got goats?

Most people understand what a scapegoat in modern terms is. It's the wide receiver who dropped the ball on the last play of the game (though the whole team played poorly up to that point); the department head who gets very publicly fired for carrying out the unfair policies set by her superiors; the husband who fails to properly read his wife's mind.

In ancient Syria, Greece, and Biblical times, an actual goat (or beggar, or cripple) was designated as the bearer of sins for the entire community. The scapegoat might be driven out of the community into an inhospitable region (theoretically taking all the evil/sin with it), where presumably it would in fact, die. Or it might be killed outright.

A similar concept was practiced in the Middle Ages, depicted in an old Night Gallery episode called Sins of the Fathers. The Sin-eater would consume food spread around the body of a dying or recently deceased person, so that the soul of the dead person would then be able to rest in peace or float to heaven, free of sin. Of course, if something happened to the village Sin Eater...

Except in certain religious connotations, nobody believes (on paper) in the concept of scapegoating anymore. As a parent with two children, say, we certainly wouldn't punish Child A because Child B misbehaved, right?

In practice... people do it all the time. (See butterfingered wide receiver, above.) Child B may be wearing down his mother's nerves all day long, but when Child A also does something annoying, that's when Mom snaps and takes it out on Child A. Fair? No. Human? Yes.

In real life, scapegoating and 'projection' go hand in hoof. Just as it felt too uncomfortable to drag around the guilt and sin in the village, for many people, acknowledging our own faults, shortcomings, and bad feelings is too heavy to carry. So it's got to be put over there, onto a target. Away from us.

See, we are good people. If there is something wrong, bad, or nasty in the room, it's because somebody else - not us - brought it in here.

From Wikipedia:

According to Sigmund Freud, projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one "projects" one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else. 'Emotions or excitations which the ego tries to ward off are "split out" and then felt as being outside the ego...perceived in another person'.^[4] It is a common process.^[5] The related defense of 'projective identification differs from projection in that the impulse projected onto an external object does not appear as something alien and distant from the ego because the connection of the self with that projected impulse continues'.^[6]

In one example of the process, a person might have thoughts of infidelity with respect to a spouse or other partner. Instead of dealing with these undesirable thoughts consciously, the subject unconsciously projects these feelings onto the other person, and begins to think thatthe other has thoughts of infidelity and that the other may be having an affair. In this way, the subject may obtain 'acquittal by his conscience - if he projects his own impulses to faithlessness on to the partner to whom he owes faith'.^[7] In this sense, projection is related to denial, arguably the only more primitive defense mechanism than projection, which, like all defense mechanisms, provides a function whereby a person can protect the conscious mind from a feeling that is otherwise repulsive.

Let's say someone is what we might call "toxic." He seems frequently angry and bitter, is usually finding fault with other people, uses verbally abusive language, and rarely accepts responsibility for his actions.  If we have an interaction with this guy, he may attempt to project his bad feelings onto us, or use us as his scapegoat.

It's got to be pretty painful to walk around with a heart/body overflowing with anger and bad feelings. An emotionally unhealthy person is not going to be mindful, sit with his feelings, decide why they are occurring, and what action, if any, he wants to take when he feels upset. An unhealthy person is going to look for "the person who made me feel this way" as quickly as possible, and "let 'em have it."

If we tend to be Rescuers (see yesterday's post) we may accept, even encourage this person to "let it all out," even come to believe we deserve to be abused or called names, because, after all, we did forget to replace the batteries in the remote (or whatever the error was). Maybe we made a huge mistake, one that cost our boss an important contract. Anyway, we can suck it up and take it; we can "be the bigger person,"  and this will help the toxic person feel better.

No. If we do, we are only feeding fuel to an already unhealthy dynamic. No matter what has gone on, nobody "deserves" to be abused. (We might deserve to be fired, but even if we do, we do not deserve to be kicked on our way out the door.)

When we accept scapegoating, it's bad for us (obviously), but it is also bad for the abusers. They are experiencing momentary relief, true, but we are denying them the opportunity to deal in a healthy way with their feelings and problems. The underlying reasons why they are building up anger and resentment are not being addressed.

We can, firmly and politely, refuse to accept a truck load of toxic abuse dumped onto the front lawns of our hearts. We can put up a hand, and say, "Stop. If you cannot talk to me without name calling and abusive language, the conversation is over. Let me know when you are ready to speak to me respectfully, and I'll be happy to take up the subject again." (Caveat: if you live with a physically abusive person, this approach may not be safe. Please contact a domestic violence support network, and do whatever you need to do to stay safe. In the US, 1.800.799.SAFE www.thehotline.org.  A partial listing of facilities in other countries is available here.)

Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, and everyone should seek to treat others with dignity and respect, as well.

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Have you ever been scapegoated?

Ever scapegoated someone else, and realized it later?

How about projecting your bad feelings onto someone else?

Related articles

• The thrill of blaming others (salon.com)
• The Dignity and Respect Campaign (dignityandrespect.org)
• Prejudice (goodmorningctown.wordpress.com)
• Throwing the Scapegoat Under the Bus (forbes.com)