Birth of a JADE - Two Different Scripts

Colourful nail polishes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Let's take OCPD and other disorders and lock them in a closet somewhere (don't you wish we could?), pretend they don't exist, and look at what is going on when JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining) occurs, regardless of whether one person in the relationship is disordered, or both are, or neither are.

If you've ever been in an amateur play situation, you understand the concept of scripts: Person A says line 1, Person B says line 2. If Person B forgets line 2, Person A will repeat his/her line, or rephrase it in certain ways, trying to prompt Person B to remember and say line 2.

In a  disordered conversation, it's like Person A and Person B are working from two different scripts.

Source: data.whicdn.com via Jess on Pinterest

Person A comes bouncing into the room and displays a bottle of nail polish. "Look at this!" s/he says exuberantly. "This weekend, I'm going to paint all my nails this pretty robin's egg blue!"

What Person A is hoping for in response could go in any number of directions:

• Ooh, what a gorgeous color! Can you do mine, too?
• You're always doing something wild and crazy. [If said with affection]
• That's going to look great on you.
• When I was growing up,women only painted their nails in shades of red. All the different colors still look strange to me, but I've noticed many women wearing them. [An invitation to a discussion about changing fashions.]
• Alrighty then.

Basically, Person A wants any response that says, "I hear you, I love you, I support you, I approve of you."

But what if, for whatever reason, Person B freaks out?  

I recently read psychologist Jonathan Haidt's The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion. 

In this book he brings compelling evidence that we reach conclusions quickly, and produce reasons later only to justify what we've already decided.  He even references demand-resistance, though not by that name.

In a split second, Person B's "gut reaction" is that s/he doesn't like Person A's wild nail polish plans. It's not based on facts or logic, though s/he may truly believe it is. S/he doesn't like it, therefore it's wrong, therefore s/he must convince Person A that it's wrong. Her/his verbal response may be:

• I can't believe you wasted your money [or our money] on something so stupid.
• That color is so ugly.
• Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
• You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
• Did you forget we have plans this weekend? When did you think you were going to do this wild manicure scheme?
• I don't suppose you remembered to pick up the Whoosits I asked you to get, did you?
• I wish something so shallow and superficial made me happy.

Person B has changed the script. Whatever Person A replies now, the only correct response for Person B has become, "I accept your opinion/displeasure/dominance, and will no longer proceed to paint my nails this color."

JADEing is an attempt to return to the first script.

Person A really does want Person B's approval, or at the very least, tolerance and not disapproval. JADEing assumes that the issue is a failure in communication, that Person B can be won over, if only the right reasons are presented.

But because Person's B's reaction is emotional, not logical, no matter how many of her/his arguments get shot down, s/he will come back with more, because s/he knows it is wrong for Person A to wear that nail polish.

The issue is not (and never was, really) about a minor fashion choice. It's about whose opinion/wish gets validated.

The only way the conversation can end is if either Person A or Person B realizes that the script is not going to be followed, and exits the circular conversation, because the relationship is more important than "winning" their point.

JADEing is about getting sucked into a power struggle.

[Justifying]
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're always splurging. Don't you think a homeless person would have appreciated you dropping the money in his cup?
Person A: I am not always splurging, I haven't bought anything for myself in months, and I give plenty of money to homeless people and charity.
Person B: If you have any left after wasting your money on ugly nail polish.

[Arguing]
Person B: That color is ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: Just because it looks good on a garden shed doesn't mean it's a good color for nail polish. It'll make your hands look like a corpse.
Person A: It will not. I've never seen a corpse with robin's egg blue nails.
Person B: Like you're an expert on dead bodies?

[Defending]
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: Oh, so Ann Romney is a fashion icon now? And your role model?
Person A: She's a lovely woman. I don't have to agree with her politics to notice she's attractive.
Person B: I got news for ya, sweetheart, she pays a lot for that hair, wardrobe, and makeup. You think you're in that league?
Person A: It's not an entire wardrobe, it's a bottle of nail polish, for Pete's sake!
Person B: So you think you can accomplish with one bottle of nail polish what she needs an entire staff of top stylists to pull off? Good luck with that!

[Explaining]
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I can still smell it on you when you come in.
Person A: Fine, I'll stay out an extra 15 minutes to make sure any smell has disappated.
Person B: I don't understand why you can't just let your nails stay their natural color.
Person A: It's fun, it's a quick and easy way to feel young and pretty.
Person B: *snorts* They say there's no fool like an old fool.

Eventually, Person B may get her/his way - persuading Person A not to wear the nail polish. Or, Person A may wear it anyway, but all the joy will have been sucked out of doing so. When JADEing mode is entered, neither party feels heard or satisfied.

Let's try cutting JADE off at the pass.

Here's some ways Person A can end the circular conversation.

Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: What one person considers wasteful, others consider a necessity. Sounds like you're in a sour mood; want to tell me about it?

Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: I'm sorry you think so, but I like it. What movie shall we see this weekend?

Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A [joking]: Crap, you've discovered my secret identity; grandparent by day, Grandmaster Trendsetter by night.

Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: You do seem to get a lot of headaches. What does your doctor say about that?


Here's some ways Person B can end the circular conversation.

Source: Uploaded by user via Pao on Pinterest

Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're right, I'm sorry I called it stupid. I'm sure I've spent as much or more money on things you'd consider silly, too. We're all entitled to splurge once in a while.



Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: You know, you're right. I do like that color on the garden shed, and I am sure I will get used to it on you, because you make everything beautiful.

Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: You know, you're right. I'm sorry I said you were too old. I think I'm too old, to get used to all these new fashions - but you'll be patient with me, won't you?  [joking] Have you seen my buttonhook around?

Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I don't think I've given you enough credit for doing that, and I do appreciate it. Sometimes, though, the odor is still really intense for me when you come inside. Would you be offended if I went into another room or let you know it still was too strong for me?


It takes time, practice, and above all, awareness, to realize you (or another person) have gotten sucked into a JADEing loop, which becomes not hearing, respecting, or validating the other person, but "I must win this point."

If an argument or discussion ends with one party feeling deflated, stupid, or disrespected, then both parties have lost, even the person who thinks s/he "won."

Relationships are not supposed to be wars. A successful relationship is where the goal is not that one person wins, and the other loses, but that both win.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem & Independence

Be a dragon - fiercely guarding your independence.

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence

Many obsessives hate to be dependent upon anything or anyone; they equate dependency with vulnerability. Unconsciously they feel that allowing their lives to revolve around another person would leave them open to utter devastation - should the other person turn against them, for example, or stop loving them, or even die. As a result, most don't let themselves depend too heavily even upon their closest friends and lovers.

<snip> For one thing, if you've made yourself completely dependent upon him, the obsessive may feel that you've imposed on him the frightening or burdensome responsibility of being absolutely indispensable to your emotional well-being. Given his need for a sense of options and freedom, this may both frighten and anger him.

<snip>Another aspect of being emotionally dependent on a relationship is that your sense of worth comes to rely upon feedback from the other person. Even minor variations in that feedback may cause your self-esteem and sense of security to plunge or soar. You're really setting yourself up for emotional turbulence if you rely too heavily upon approval or praise from some obsessives, because they aren't particularly good at expressing these things. Remember: their style of perception is to notice and be bothered by what's not right with things. And their need to guard their emotions may make it hard for them to show positive feelings or appreciation.

Cross the bridge, if you dare!

<snip> Start by trying to rediscover who you are - who you were before you met the other person. Work on developing separate interests and then pursue them vigorously, just as you would have if you had not become involved at this time. Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.

As you struggle to establish your separate self, feelings of anxiety and insecurity may assail you. You may feel empty or isolated at first. You may worry that you are jeopardizing the relationship by not paying it enough attention. Fight these feelings!  Try to act as if you felt strong and safe. Don't let the other person get the idea that your happiness or security depends entirely upon reassurance from him or her. More important, don't you accept that notion as unalterable true, because it isn't.

What is true is that at some point your friend or lover could decide to end the relationship, and you have no control over that. Throughout this book, I've discussed self-defeating aspects of the obsessive's need for complete control. The same dynamic applies to you. The more you attempt to mold your relationship, the more vigilantly you watch over it, the more likely you are to poison it. In some respects, the commitment-fearing obsessive is like a cat: most likely to remain close to you when you're absorbed in your own interests and to scoot away when you embrace it too vigorously.

Learn to accept the fact that any relationship could end. Find a way to resign yourself to that possibility. It's true that it would be extremely painful, but in the vast majority of cases, that pain is temporary. Don't think for a moment that you couldn't get through it. You could. And just as you have before, you would eventually find happiness with someone else.

***

The reflection enhances the bridge,
but the bridge exists, even if there was no reflection.
You are the bridge, not the reflection.

Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.  To me, this is the key sentence of the entire book, for partners, children, siblings, and co-workers of a Perfectionist Personality.  (Though you need to read the entire book to "get" the full picture of why obsessives behave as they do, and why hoovering and being enmeshed doesn't make things better, but instead is gasoline on the fire.)

No matter how much time, energy, and effort you pour into a relationship, you yourself can't fix it. What you can do is make things better for yourself, rediscover who you are.

Maybe you liked to paint, or bake bread, or carve wood, and were dissuaded, over time, because your partner was dismayed by the mess. Reclaim that hobby.  Maybe you used to meet once a week with friends to discuss reading or writing, and gave it up because you were tired of coming home to World War Three. (I know I did.)  Put it back on your schedule. Maybe you love exploring local museums and gardens - get a friend, or go on your own, if your partner hates that kind of thing.

 It will be hard.  You will get blowback, Your partner may pout, throw tantrums, or try to sabotage your efforts to reclaim your soul. Do it anyway. 

look at the variety of color in these roses!

 Eventually they may see that no matter what they say or do, you're going to go for coffee with your girlfriends on Thursday nights, or spend Saturday mornings working on your classic car - whatever YOUR "thing" is, as long as you still leave time for family activities (don't go overboard and spend all your time on you), they have no grounds to complain.  They will probably complain anyway, and it will be hard, and you will feel exhausted at first, but over time, you will feel the abandoned garden of your life sprouting roses again.

Remember not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It is enough to tell your partner, "Honey, I've decided to rejoin my Sunday night writers' group, starting this weekend. I'll be leaving at 6:30 on those nights and home around 10:30."

"Why? "
"Because I want to."
"But we usually spend Sunday nights watching TV. I guess you don't love me anymore, if you don't want to spend any time together.  And how will you ever be ready for work on Monday morning when you're out partying with your friends till late Sunday night?"
"Hon? Love you, done talking about this."
"But-"
"Done. Talking."

A real Wisteria Lane.

Did I mention it will be hard? The enmeshment probably happened slowly, gradually, and now it is as deep-rooted as ivy that has choked off every inch of the garden.  You might not feel like you know who "you" are, anymore, but whatever roles you fill: daughter, sister, aunt, mother, wife, friend, co-worker - you are MORE than that. You need to tap down to the root of you, water and fertilize it.

As mentioned in Too Perfect, if you depend upon a person who's hard-wired to notice flaws, to notice and compliment all your good qualities, you are doomed to disappointment. You must find a way to fill yourself up, separate and apart from your interactions with that person, no matter who s/he is or how long your relationship has lasted (if it's a parent, it's been your whole life).

If you reclaim you, your relationship may survive; it may improve, or it may end. But if your relationship is built upon you killing and sacrificing everything you love to do, everything that feeds your soul and makes you feel good about yourself, then are "you" really in that relationship, anyway?

Your thoughts?All photos, except for the Too Perfect book link, were taken by the author
at Pasadena's Huntington Gardens.

I Feel What I Feel When I Feel It

via Wikipedia

Recently, along with a lot of other folks, I felt caught up in exultation and "justice served, at last!" at the overwhelmingly "Guilty verdict" passed on child molester Jerry Sandusky.

Reading some of the message boards, I was struck by one commenter, who didn't "get" why so many people were rejoicing, and that made me take a closer look at myself.

I am not, and never have been, a prepubescent boy. True, I also experienced an incident of molestation when I was 12 (in central Pennsylvania, no less). However, without ever requiring my testimony or the cops even talking to me at all, the perp did did go to jail, where, rumor has it, he ended up dying an agonizing, long-drawn-out death of cancer several decades ago.

Karma wins - which is not always the case.

And while what happened to me was highly unpleasant, it wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me; it wasn't something that ruined my life or haunted me.

As the saying goes, I "had no dog in this fight."

So why am/was I following the Sandusky case so closely? Why did it stir me up so much?

Was it because I related to the victims? To the struggling single mothers who thought that contact with a coach willing to act as a father figure would be good for them? Do I feel guilty as a former resident of Pennsylvania?

I don't fully know. I may never know.

What I do know, is that it's okay to feel what I feel. When I feel it. Maybe I want to sit down and pick that feeling apart, maybe I just want to notice it. You know, the whole Zen thing, sitting by the side of the stream, watching the stream, the leaves and twigs floating in it.  There's a feeling; how interesting.

I don't have to come up with a reason why I feel what I feel - not to myself, not to anybody else. I don't have to limit myself to only feeling certain emotions.

via Project Adventure

 There were years when, as a child, I was expected to suppress what I felt.

There were many years when I didn't allow myself to have certain feelings, at all, because it wasn't safe. I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was ten, but didn't begin serious grief work until I was 30 years old, and *I* was ready and felt safe enough to do so.

There were years living with my OCPD b-f when I was often told, if I expressed certain feelings, that they were wrong, and instructed as to what I "should" feel instead. I have had (former) friends try to do the same thing, tell me I was wrong/silly/unjustified in feeling a particular emotion.

I am SO done with that. I am done with anyone (outside of a trusted mental health professional) telling me that my feelings are over- or underdone; that they are inappropriate or wrong, somehow.

 I'm letting myself feel what I feel, when I feel it. Period.

How about you?

Have you ever been told you "shouldn't" feel a particular way?
Did you rejoice in the Sandusky verdicts?

10 Rules For Being Human from No Busy Signal

I've been fighting bronchitis this past month, and something about coughing and gasping for breath has made it tough on my brain to come up with new ideas. It keeps whining at me, "More oxygen needed" or some other lame excuse.

Luckily, there are plenty of other good ideas out there I can steal borrow. Here's a fabulous post from No Busy Signal which I stumbled upon a few weeks ago in my delirium.


Ten Rules for Being Human


by Cherie Carter-Scott

1.	You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.
2.	You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”
3.	There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”
4.	Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5.	Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6.	“There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”
7.	Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8.	What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9.	Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10.	You will forget all this.

I'm not sure I agree with all of these, but many of them rang true true TRUE to me.

 #1 - Yep, I got the body I got, and though I might be body-envious of a dainty little ballerina-type, even if I could starve myself thin, there's no way I can starve myself dainty.  So, might as well learn to love & take care of the body I've got.

#4 - I do see that there are patterns, or lessons that keep getting presented to me.  I might as well suck it up and learn 'em, because the avoidance thing did not work out for me.

from LOLCats

#7 - I'm not sure that other people are always mirrors.  However, I have noticed that others are most impatient with the flaws of others that they themselves possess.  (I've noticed it myself doing this sometimes - which means either I don't do it as often, or, more likely, that I don't catch myself doing it as often as I do.)

#10 - What was that again?

Did these life rules ring any bells for you?

What struck you the most - or least - true?

Please share in the comments, below.

Learning to Recognize You're Being Played

So, as I move along this journey to rediscovering myself, I realize that OCPD ex-bf, in many ways, was one of my easier relationships.  The confrontation and tantrums were usually right in my face.

But, I've had other relationships in which I also played Ms. Co-Dependent to the Max, because, after all, I'm nice.  I'm a people pleaser (and if you're thinking, she's saying that like it's a bad thing - you may be one, too.)

Being kind and flexible is wonderful.  However, we can get so wrapped up in pleasing others, in trying to make others happy, that we forget all about us; our needs, wants, and best interests. 

We need to be able to say no (or, Hell no!) if someone tries to manipulate us into doing something that crosses our boundaries.  In my life, I've been pressured/manipulated by those who wanted me to:

• Eat something when I was already full, or which contained ingredients that I don't like
• Join them in the practice of particular religious beliefs
• Perform sexual acts that I'd rather not
• Go to certain parties, or stay longer when I wanted to leave
• Take over someone else's job duties
• Favors

Mind you, there is nothing wrong with someone asking, "Would you like to try doing it on a trapeze, while wearing a Batman mask?"  (Okay, maybe something a lot wrong with that.) 

An open, honest question or offer contains the implied freedom to say "No thank you."   If we feel that saying no is not an option - we're probably being played.    

Cats playing piano - awesome.

People being played by manipulators - NOT so awesome.

The only way we can have real, honest, fulfilling relationships, is if we are coming from our True Selves.  And that means, kindly, gently, but firmly, refusing to be manipulated.

Or, we can channel our Inner Bitch and say, "I don't think so."

Here's some good info from Wikihow:   

Understand the characteristics of a manipulative personality.  They're not always obvious because they play a silent game of building up obligations toward them, that end up with you feeling guilty, pressured, and obliged to carry out things for their sake even though you're still wondering how things got to this point.  Some of the characteristics of a manipulative personality include:   

• A martyr style personality. This personality type behaves as if he or she is being considerate toward others but is actually messing up considerateness with a need to be significant to you. By "martyring" themselves, they are doing things nobody has asked of them or wants them to do but in the process creates a bind when they do them. In "doing you a favor", their expectation increases that you have to return the favor. They may also complain constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder rhetorically when you're going to return this favor...    

• Excessively needy and dependent personalities. People who feel uncomfortable in their own skin, putting forth their own opinions and ideas can often hide behind manipulative behavior so that it seems as if you are responding on your own accord even though they've set up everything to have you respond directly to their neediness.  

• Narcissists. This is the archetypal manipulative personality and it's very hard to deal with this master manipulator.  

• You. Seriously, at one time or other, every single one of us practices manipulative behaviors in one form or other. It is just that for most people, manipulative actions tend to be one-off or only occasional instances rather than a purposeful map for daily living and interaction with others.

Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another. There are some key behaviors that can end up in manipulation, and it's helpful to know how to spot them before walking right into them. The behaviors are set out briefly here, with the following steps providing more details along with suggestions for healthy ways to respond:

• The guilt trip – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of "should" rather than standing up for your own values.   

• The assumption statement – this manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what, your refutation is proof of the assumption.   

• He said, she said – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you what someone else said was the right thing to do. It's a handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you.  

• The confronting statement – this manipulative approach is about causing an argument. That way, the provoker will end up making you feel terrible over something you didn't do or say but for which you ought to feel guilty anyway and they'll get a huge chunk of sympathy with which to manipulate you all over again.  

• Self-pity: "But I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc." – At times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention.

Go HERE for the rest of this great article for tips on how to respond to each technique.

Boy, have I suckered in to the martyrs in my life!  They're so kind, considerate, self-sacrificing, surely I should appreciate them more.  Of course, OCPD ex b-f used this technique too.  "I've been slaving all day to grow tomatoes" or make spaghetti sauce or some other thing he'd chosen to do, martyr-style, not even stopping to have lunch, that I never asked him to do in the first place, let alone suggest he work at such a pace that he didn't take reasonable breaks.  All his own choices.  Then he'd pick a fight because I wasn't sufficiently grateful, in his opinion.  And then the next time he asked for something, I would usually give in, whether I wanted to or not, because I felt guilty about "making him feel bad."

Good grief, Charlie Brown!  <Shaking my head to clear out the cobwebs>

Photo by -just-jen- at Flickr

But, as I said, I am recognizing he wasn't the only one to pull my strings.  That with good boundaries and better connection with my authentic self, I will have healthier relationships with everyone in my life.

Frankly, I'm beyond tired of guilt trips.  They're not a lot of fun, and I already know the boring scenery by heart.

The next trip I take, I want to pack a bag and stay in a gorgeous hotel.  Maybe get a massage.  I like the massage-type of manipulation.

How about you?  Have you been played like a cheap guitar too many times?  What do you do to recognize the manipulators and take care of you?

Bowling for Babies

So, after a life where everything I wanted to do was on the back burner, I am fighting not to put everything on the front burner, all at the same time. 


Chicago Public Library
I don't know what the cornice is supposed to be, nor do I
quite "get" the button-like things.  However, it's a
LIBRARY, therefore, it is AWESOME.

 Anonymous suggested on Wolf Woman or Hungry Hungry Hippo that I create a vision board, and since I take every comment quite seriously (please don't advise me to go jump off a bridge, 'kay?), that idea took over my brain this past week or so.

So, in between things I had to do - like, oh, paying work, washing a load of undies - I've been planning my vision board.  I looked up and cut out headers from the Los Angeles Times Book Section, and the New York Times Book Section,  in that special Gothic font they use, since I hope to be listed there someday.  I printed out a picture I'd taken of the Chicago Public Library with its cool cornices.

I printed out pictures of great places I've been to which I'd like to return someday like Zion National Park, the Grand Canyon, the Library of Congress (stunning, beautiful, breathtaking) in Washington, DC, the Sierra Mountains of California and the Milwaukee Lakeside Art Museum and south-central Pennsylvania where I spent my teen years.  I printed out pictures from my visit to Queen Califia's Magic Circle in Escondido, where, if you're not already high (I wasn't), you'll feel like you're tripping on psychotropic drugs.

Queen Califia's Magic Circle Garden
Escondido, California



La Sagrada Familia via Wikimedia Commons
Under construction since 1862


I printed out pictures of places I haven't yet been but really want to go, The Tower of London and Hever Castle (where Anne Boleyn grew up) and The Alhambra and Stonehenge and Versailles.  I printed out a picture of La Sagrada Familia for my vision board, because if ever there's an emblem of "Dream Big," it's La Sagrada Familia, still under under construction after more than 100 years, like a medieval church.) 

I printed out pictures about mindfulness and body image, including one of ME and this wonderful set of sculptures from the Getty.

This is NOT me - just one of a billion other skinny girls.  I put the
picture of ME and these sculptures at the middle of my vision board.  Around
them I wrote, "Changing Woman" (from the Native American tradition)
Learn to Love.... the Skin I'm in
Every Size has its beauty... Every shape has a function
Right now I am beautiful

And I printed a jillion pictures of BABIES.  I dream of babies, a lot.  A Witch's Book of Dreams, which I bought following a recommendation from my as-yet-unmet friend Thalia, says that "Baby" represents "giving birth to an infant can represent a new aspect of oneself, a brand new idea, or a creative project.  A Divine Child or Wonder Baby, one who walks and talks, is an archetypal image signifying the birth of the divine within us, the new son/sun of hope emerging.  Very positive."

So, I printed pictures of babies for my vision board.  I printed pictures of babies crawling, up stairs and hills.  Of toddlers hugging each other, giggling, chortling with glee.  I printed pictures of a toddler leading on his younger sister, thinking "Original Release + Sequel."  I printed a picture of myself, about 3-4 years old, sticking out my tongue for the camera.  Of a young girl in a skirt made of rainbow colored scarves.  Of babies white, African, Asian.  Of identical twins (one of my favs) in t-shirts bearing the legends "Copy" (on one shirt) and "Paste" (on the other.)

And I had a lot of fun doing this, but, if you haven't done the math yet, totally ran out of space on my vision board.   When I stopped at the store after work on Friday in the pouring rain, to buy (what seemed then) a huge piece of foam board, I was naively thinking, "Well, I guess I can cut this in half."

I didn't need to cut it in half.   I could have done 20 vision boards, and not had enough space for all the picture I had printed, for all the things I still want to write down and print on it.

I did the cutting and pasting all day yesterday, putting aside an uncountable number of pictures that there was simply no room for, and then, last night, I did dream about babies.  About needing to feed my babies.  About trying to keep track of all my babies (a hint, perhaps, that I'm becoming overextended?)

And I dreamed about bowling. 


I dreamt about trying to bowl, and that I kept getting stopped by.. something.  I would get ready to bowl and I was interfering with somebody else.  I got placed into my own lane and the power was off, or the pin-setter didn't work.  Everybody that I had been trying to bowl with was long since finished, and it would have been real easy to say, "Okay, I quit, this isn't happening for me today," yet for some unknown reason, I was determined to battle on.  I went to bowl and the holes in my ball were too small - it wasn't my ball at all - or the finger holes were too big.  I went to the service window to try to get my ball and they were still working on cleaning it.

I checked a Witch's Book of Dreams, but there were no answers there.  Apparently, either witches don't bowl (and here I was, about to send in my check and membership application!)  Or, at least, they don't generally dream of bowling.  My Dreamer's Dictionary for the 21st Century did offer a clue:

Dreams of bowling symbolize focus and concentration on a goal.  <aha!  like, perhaps, my much-neglected novel?!>  They may suggest that you will strike it rich if you engage in life and get out of your rut.

Well, I am not sure I want to "strike it rich."  I would like to be able to earn enough from my writing to quit my day job, and buy a nice house (although my solo apartment is ten times better than living with nitpicking OCPD ex-b-f.) 


So, there!  to life, expectations, and
dirty undies!


But obviously, my subconscious was trying to send me a message, so, for the first part of the day (after yoga and breakfast, of course) I worked on my much-neglected novel.  I rewrote the first chapter to add more Heart, per The Editor Devil.  And the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th.

I feel good about the work I did on the novel.  And on the vision board.  And on my dirty undies.

Even if I have left much undone, I have also made much progress.  How about you?