When The Body Says No

When we have been prevented from learning how to say no, our bodies may end up saying it for us.

Why do some people get sick, become disabled, or even die from diseases like cancer, ALS, Alzheimer's, while others with the same exposure to environmental toxins never get sick? Why do some people get cancer that goes into remission, and others, like my mother, die from it?

Studies at the US National Cancer Institute found that natural killer (NK) cells, an important class of immune cells we have already met, are more active in breast cancer patients who were able to express anger, to adopt a fighting stance and who have more social support.... The researchers found that emotional factors and social involvement were more important to survival than the degree of disease itself.

I am still working to absorb and learn the many lessons this book presents, both for myself as a human being, as a daughter trying to come to terms with the death of my mother and of others I've loved, and (probably least importantly) as a writer trying to create believable characters.

We often treat our bodies as if they are separate from our hearts, minds, and emotions, kind of like a biological automobile. As if a health "breakdown" is a purely mechanical problem that can be fixed by diet, exercise, the right pills, and adjusting air pressure in the tires.

Reality: Emotions affect the body.

Watch a scary movie. Even though you are in no physical danger, doesn't your heart pound, your breath get tight in your chest? Read a sexy novel. If it's good enough, you'll feel rigidity in certain body parts, wetness in others. Receive a gift. From your partner, tickets for a dream vacation may make you feel happy and excited; from your cat, a squirming rat may make you feel queasy.

When the Body Says NO examines studies and examples of psychoneuroimmunoendocrinology: the way the body's nervous system, immune defenses and endocrine or hormonal apparatus all work together. (Called the PNI system in short, because psychoneuroimmunoendocrinology is a mouthful.) It looks at patients for whom Dr. Maté has consulted, as well as more famous case studies, from Stephen Hawking (ALS) to Betty Ford (substance abuse, breast cancer) to Gilda Radner (ovarian cancer, bulimia) to Ronald Reagan (Alzheimer's).

Stress - More Than A Feelin'

Stress consists of the internal alterations – physical or not – that occur when the organism perceives a threat to its existence or well-being.

via inserbia.info

Stress - if a bear appears - can save your life. Stress triggers the PNI system to send, "Let's get the hell out of Dodge!" or "Stand and fight!" messages throughout the body.

Just like circulation to the extremities will shut down in freezing temperatures, because you can survive without a toe, or two, stress (temporarily) shuts down the systems that kill cancer cells or other long-term threats, process food products in the digestive tract, and more. Like Scotty on Star Trek diverting all energies to the warp drive, your body gives "all she's got, Captain" where it thinks it will be needed, on a totally automatic level.

The stress response is nonspecific. It may be triggered in reaction to any attack – physical, biological, chemical or psychological – or in response to any perception of attacker threat, conscious or unconscious. The essence of threat is a destabilization of the body’s homeostasis, the relatively narrow range of physiological conditions within which the organism can survive and function. To facilitate fight or escape, what needs to be diverted from the internal organs and muscles, and the heart needs to pump faster.

Whenever stress occurs, even when we don't consciously feel stressed, changes occur in our bodies.

Stress, as we will define it, it is not a matter of subjective feeling. It is a measurable set of objective physiological events in the body, involving the brain, the hormonal apparatus, the immune system and many other organs. Both animals and people can experience stress with no awareness of its presence.

That whole "with no awareness of its presence" aspect cannot be overemphasized. The physiological effect on the body is the same whether we are aware or unaware of stress. Especially for children who experience recurring stress, the state of being stressed can become the New Normal.

Eventually, having unmet needs or having to meet the needs of others is no longer experienced as stressful. It feels normal. One is disarmed.

Recurring or chronic stress (such as being an abused child, or watching a parent be habitually abused by his/her partner, while being unable to intervene), being neglected, leaves permanent marks, both on the immune system and other bodily defenses (think of the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf), and in the relationship patterns we form later in life. We are more likely to choose life partners whose behaviors mirror those we knew growing up, whether those behaviors were healthy or unhealthy.

For those habituated to high levels of internal stress since early childhood, it is the absence of stress that creates unease, evoking boredom and a sense of meaninglessness. People may become addicted to their own stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol... To such persons stress feels desirable, while the absence of it feels like something to be avoided.

Chronic stress actually changes the way our brains function.

In people who’ve experienced chronic stress, the prefrontal cortex and related structures remain in a state of hypervigilance, on the lookout for danger. Pre-frontal activation is not a conscious decision by the individual; rather, it is the result of the automatic triggering of nerves pathways program long ago.

In situations where the body's balance is continually disrupted in response to a perceived threat, the balance of the body is thrown out of whack, And whenever that happens, cancer, or other long-term diseases, have the perfect opening to take over.

Natural Born Killers - The Body's Best Friend

In a healthy body, there are NK cells, which serve as the body's Angels of Death.

Just like in any factory, the body frequently produces cells which which would be labeled abnormal or flawed, but inside the body, there is no TJ Maxx or Nordstrom's Rack to send "irregular" material.

NK cells track down abnormal cells, such as cancer cells and destroys them, so that the majority of cells in the body are healthy and functional.

There have been many cases where the NK cells have caused full remission of cancer, most significantly in cases of melanoma (skin cancer). Why this cancer and not others? Why in some cases and not others? It can't be wholly attributed to DNA, environmental toxins (or lack thereof), but to family systems and work environment systems.

When the Body Says No refers to several studies in which tiny clumps of cancer are often found in an elderly person's body after death from other causes. Perhaps as we age we all have tiny clusters of cancer growing in our bodies, which our NK cells routinely eliminate before they are large enough to be detected.

In short, for cancer causation it is not enough that DNA damage occur: also necessary is failure of DNA repair and/or an impairment of regulated cell death. Stress and the repression of emotion can negatively affect both of those processes.

The Blame Game

On thing that has made me uneasy in reading similar books, such as Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life, is my perception (or misperception, perhaps) that the victim was being blamed for his/her own illness. Dr. Maté debunks that idea:

Blaming the sufferer – apart from being morally obtuse – is completely unfounded from a scientific point of view.

He doesn't even jump on the easy way many shrinks do - it's all the mothers' fault. While be acknowledges that hurts/patterns learned during childhood or generationally may have a lasting effect:

Emotionally draining family relationships have been identified as risk factors in virtually every category of major illness, degenerative neurological conditions to cancer and autoimmune disease. The purpose is not to blame parents or previous generations or spouses but to enable us to discard beliefs that prove dangerous to our health.

The point of doing so is that we can recognize and interrupt those patterns, rather than repeat them.

We are not doomed, the helpless victims of our genes and environmental toxins and terrible childhoods, destined to get sick and not be able to do anything about it. I think that's a good message.

Differentiation: Dance Space of Champions

Remember the wonderful rehearsal scene in Dirty Dancing where Johnny (Patrick Swayze) explains to Baby (Jennifer Grey) "This is my dance space, that is your dance space"? Everyone needs good physical and emotional boundaries to be healthy.

When we are born, we have no boundaries. We assume the whole world, including Mother, revolves around US. We don't understand or realize that Mother is a separate being, that she doesn't feel our hunger, wet diaper, tummy cramps at the same instance we feel them.

A fundamental concept in family systems theory is differentiation, defined as “the ability to be in emotional contact with others yet still autonomous in one's emotional functioning.” The poorly differentiated person “lacks an emotional boundary between himself and others and lacks a ‘boundary’ that prevents his thinking process from being overwhelmed by his emotional feeling process. He automatically absorbs anxiety from others and generates considerable anxiety within himself.”

Later, we realize that when we are scared, hurt, cold, etc., Mother doesn't necessarily share our feelings. Just as we don't share her feelings. But in some cases, we will be emotionally enmeshed with Mother (or Father) and take on the role of protecting her:

The child of an unhappy mother will try to take care of her by suppressing his distress so as not to burden her further. His role is to be self-sufficient and not “needy”...

What it all boils down to is a lack of clear boundaries.

Boundaries are that thing that says: 

This is my dance space, this is your dance space. 

When boundaries get confused within the body itself, when the body cannot recognize, "This is ME; this is Other," then we get diseases where the body's immune system doesn't defend against intruders, but is so confused it attacks its own cells, as is the case in MS, ALS, schleroderma, and other auto-immune diseases.

Anger - The Emotion We Love to Hate

Especially as women, we are socially conditioned to think of anger as a "negative" emotion. If we are "nice girls/women," we won't get angry with people.

“I never get angry,” a Woody Allen character says in one of his movies, “I grow a tumor instead.” Throughout this book we've seen the truth of that droll remark in numerous studies of cancer patients.

Here's the problem: we can't control being angry. Anger, according to this and other research, is the natural reaction of an organism to perceived loss, or threat of loss. Picture an angry wild animal warning another off his/her kill (see the bear, above). Usually animals do not fight to the death over a meal or a mate, but the creature with the biggest display of anger wins. "I won't let you take this from me" is the message.

Being angry is not about being a Mean Girl. It is not about going into a rage.

If you ask in physical, physiological terms what they are experiencing in their body when they feel rage, for the most part, people describe anxiety in one form or another.

Allowing oneself to feel angry in the appropriate circumstances can be an empowering experience.

The repression of anger and the unregulated acting out of it are both examples of the abnormal release of emotions that is at the root of disease.... The real experience of anger “is physiologic experience without acting out. The experience is one of a surge of power going through the system along with the mobilization to attack. There is, simultaneously the complete disappearance of all anxiety.”

I had just finished reading When the Body Says No, when in October 2012, my super-kind, beautiful friend Sidney Patrick died of a heart attack, in large part due to cirrhosis of the liver. She was 43.

She epitomized the disease-sufferer profiled within this book; swallowing feelings with food, drugs, or alcohol, always being kind and supportive of everyone but herself.

The inability to process and express feelings effectively, and the tendency to serve the needs of others before even considering one’s own, are common patterns in people who develop chronic illness. These coping styles represent a blurring of boundaries, the confusion of self and non-self on the psychological level.

I remember telling Sid's mother, shortly after Sid passed, "I am so angry." I was hurt, I was grieving, but over all, I felt so angry at the waste, at being deprived of my friend, who I loved and needed.

I remember so many conversations with Sid; whenever the subject would turn to her, she would divert the conversation as swiftly as possible to other people. She was wholly uncomfortable addressing her own needs, hurts, and dreams. Her long-term boyfriend was mentally ill, often called her names and verbally abused her, even when she was in the hospital, yet she did not want to be cruel enough to "abandon" him.

She did, belatedly, realize that something had to change. After being released from the hospital in August 2012, she told me,"If I stay with him, it's going to kill me."

That is the exact same feeling I had, after being diagnosed in 2009 with "unusual" breast lumps and cysts, which spurred me to break with my then-boyfriend in 2010.

Sadly, Sid was right. She left him in September 2012. If only she had left a month or two earlier...

Betty Ford, Betty Koschin Diehl, and Breast Cancer

Betty Ford was, of course, the first Lady of the United States of America, wife of a fairly ambitious politician. My mother, Betty Koschin Diehl was, comparatively, a nobody; eldest daughter in a family of four children. She signed up to serve in the military (Coast Guard) during WWII, as did many women. Besides the name, both women were diagnosed with breast cancer in the same approximate era, and received similar medical treatment.

Research has suggested for decades that women are more prone to develop breast cancer if their childhoods were characterized by emotional disconnection from their parents or other disturbances in their upbringing; if they tend to repress emotions, particularly anger; if they lack nurturing social relationships in adulthood; and if they are the altruistic, compulsively caregiving types.

Betty Ford's mother was a perfectionist; Betty never felt as though she measured up to her mother's standards. Betty Koschin's mother: also harsh and demanding.

The emotional repression, the harsh self judgment and the perfectionism Betty Ford acquired as a child, through no fault of her own, are more than a “good recipe for alcoholism.” They are also a “good recipe” for cancer of the breast.

Both Betty's had husbands whose professional and emotional needs came first. My mother suppressed anger, definitely, though her husband was a "rager." Altruistic, compulsively caregiving - yep. Additionally, in her last year of life, my father decided to transplant our family to another state, away from my mother's supportive network of family and friends.

My mother's breast cancer, which had been in remission, returned, and killed her. She was 49.

Emotional Competence - Who Dat?

The goal of When the Body Says No, and life, isn't to whine about what a raw deal we got (think about that scene in Slumdog Millionaire where the way out is through the outhouse), but figure out what tools we do have, and work toward becoming emotionally competent. Regardless of how we were raised, we can do this.

Emotional competence requires

• the capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware when we are experiencing stress;
• the ability to express our emotions effectively and thereby to assert our needs and to maintain the integrity of our emotional boundaries;
• the facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are pertinent to the present situation and those that represent residue from the past. What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If the situations between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and
• the awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than the repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others.

We may have had little control about what happened to us as children, but we can take control of how we handle our emotions now. By taking control, that doesn't mean pretending life is all kittens and rainbows, or suppressing "negative" emotions like anger or fear, but learning to recognize what we feel, when we feel it.


When the Body Says No closes with seven specific "A" areas of healing:Acceptance, Awareness, Anger:

Since anger does not exist in a vacuum, if I feel anger it must be in response to some perception on my part. It may be a response to loss or the threat of it in a personal relationship, where it may signal a real or threatened invasion of my boundaries. I am greatly empowered without harming anyone if I permit myself to experience the anger and to contemplate what may have triggered it.

Autonomy, Attachment, Assertion, and Affirmation.

This post is reblogged with permission from Writing in Flow.

Have you read this book? What did you think?

How do you deal with anger?

Do you suppress any emotions (that you know of)?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Epilogue

This post concludes with the Epilogue.

This series has looked at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Epilogue

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.   ~Mark Twain
In summary, the obsessive personality style is a system of many normal traits, all aiming toward a common goal: safety and security via alertness, reason, and mastery. In rational and flexible doses, obsessive traits usually favor not only survival, but success and admiration, as well.

The downside is that you can have too much of a good thing. You are bound for serious difficulties if your obsessive qualities serve not the simple goals of wise, competent, and enjoyable living, but an unrelenting need for fail-safe protection against the vulnerability inherent in being human. <snip>

<snip> The single most important step is one you can take right now: acknowledge that the source of much of your unhappiness may not be your boss, the state of the economy, your spouse's shortcomings, but something within you! Acknowledge that the main obstacles to feeling fulfilled in your relationships, work, or leisure (if you have any) may be such things as your perfectionism, workaholism, rigidity, and other overdeveloped obsessive characteristics.

<snip> ...please understand that this book [nor this blog] is not a substitute for therapy with a competent professional. <snip> With or without professional assistance, your most important means to progress will be, quite simply, sustained hard work. But then that's your strong suit, isn't it?

***

Is it difficult to find a therapist who understands OCPD/Anankastic Personality Disorder? Yes. Many, many mental health professionals have never even heard of such a beastie, or confuse it with OCD.  Here's one true story:

My DH was diagnosed by a neuro-psychiatrist. He had extensive bloodwork, CT scan, several days of urine collection, significant assessment type "tests", and even his mother had to respond to a lot of questions about what he was like as a child. Even with all of that, he was diagnosed with OCD. It wasn't until I joined his yearly psychiatrist visits that I raised the issue of OCPD and the doctor concurred.  

It seems very difficult to determine OCPD unless someone close to the patient (in his inner circle) is able to answer many questions regarding the treatment they receive and observe on a daily basis. My experience has been that DH thinks he is wonderful and would never consider himself an arrogant, nasty, obnoxious person (at times) with underlying anger with almost constant anxiety and intermittent depression.

An obsession with creating and enforcing order,
and being RIGHT, is more about OCPD than OCD.

It's frustrating, trying to find a professional who can help you, who understands that OCPD is not OCD, but it is worth the effort.  Even if the mental health professional doesn't know or understand the condition, yet, it is still possible that s/he may have some effective strategies that make life a little easier.  For the partner or child of an affected person - go, go go!

Now this? OCD all the way, baybee.

I think counseling saved my life, certainly my sanity, during a time when I was losing it.  I don't mean to denigrate the efforts of friends and family - they are invaluable as a support system.

Yet sometimes there are things we don't want to tell them, out of fear/shame, or just not wanting our (perhaps dysfunctional) family all up in our business.  We might tell less than is helpful - because we don't want to be judged and scolded, or because we don't want them to hate our partner.  Likewise our friends.  If our situation is so painful, they don't "get" why we don't leave.  Or they offer suggestions that might work  - when both people are "normal." Things like "Just be patient," or "Go ahead and let him/her have his way," which Does Not Work when one partner in the relationship is dysfunctional.

They also tend to take our side, whereas a good mental professional will call us on our sh-t - and sometimes, we need a neutral referee to tell us, "You blew it there." To help us through the exercises we need to become healthier in our interactions.

Let me reiterate - just because we might have an OCPD partner/parent/child/co-worker, does not mean that WE don't have our own hot messes that need attention.  So good therapy is essential for getting our own house(s) in order.

But if you are one of those people who is constantly irritated by an effed-up world that never does things The Right Way or up to your (extremely high and admirable) standards, if you believe your way of thinking is (always) a gift and you are surrounded by stupid, lazy people, you would be well served by seeking therapy with as open a mind as you can manage.

None of us have to live with constant emotional pain. Discomfort, sometimes, sure. Pain, no.

You deserve better. Go get it.

Your thoughts?

Birth of a JADE - Two Different Scripts

Colourful nail polishes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Let's take OCPD and other disorders and lock them in a closet somewhere (don't you wish we could?), pretend they don't exist, and look at what is going on when JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining) occurs, regardless of whether one person in the relationship is disordered, or both are, or neither are.

If you've ever been in an amateur play situation, you understand the concept of scripts: Person A says line 1, Person B says line 2. If Person B forgets line 2, Person A will repeat his/her line, or rephrase it in certain ways, trying to prompt Person B to remember and say line 2.

In a  disordered conversation, it's like Person A and Person B are working from two different scripts.

Source: data.whicdn.com via Jess on Pinterest

Person A comes bouncing into the room and displays a bottle of nail polish. "Look at this!" s/he says exuberantly. "This weekend, I'm going to paint all my nails this pretty robin's egg blue!"

What Person A is hoping for in response could go in any number of directions:

• Ooh, what a gorgeous color! Can you do mine, too?
• You're always doing something wild and crazy. [If said with affection]
• That's going to look great on you.
• When I was growing up,women only painted their nails in shades of red. All the different colors still look strange to me, but I've noticed many women wearing them. [An invitation to a discussion about changing fashions.]
• Alrighty then.

Basically, Person A wants any response that says, "I hear you, I love you, I support you, I approve of you."

But what if, for whatever reason, Person B freaks out?  

I recently read psychologist Jonathan Haidt's The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion. 

In this book he brings compelling evidence that we reach conclusions quickly, and produce reasons later only to justify what we've already decided.  He even references demand-resistance, though not by that name.

In a split second, Person B's "gut reaction" is that s/he doesn't like Person A's wild nail polish plans. It's not based on facts or logic, though s/he may truly believe it is. S/he doesn't like it, therefore it's wrong, therefore s/he must convince Person A that it's wrong. Her/his verbal response may be:

• I can't believe you wasted your money [or our money] on something so stupid.
• That color is so ugly.
• Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
• You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
• Did you forget we have plans this weekend? When did you think you were going to do this wild manicure scheme?
• I don't suppose you remembered to pick up the Whoosits I asked you to get, did you?
• I wish something so shallow and superficial made me happy.

Person B has changed the script. Whatever Person A replies now, the only correct response for Person B has become, "I accept your opinion/displeasure/dominance, and will no longer proceed to paint my nails this color."

JADEing is an attempt to return to the first script.

Person A really does want Person B's approval, or at the very least, tolerance and not disapproval. JADEing assumes that the issue is a failure in communication, that Person B can be won over, if only the right reasons are presented.

But because Person's B's reaction is emotional, not logical, no matter how many of her/his arguments get shot down, s/he will come back with more, because s/he knows it is wrong for Person A to wear that nail polish.

The issue is not (and never was, really) about a minor fashion choice. It's about whose opinion/wish gets validated.

The only way the conversation can end is if either Person A or Person B realizes that the script is not going to be followed, and exits the circular conversation, because the relationship is more important than "winning" their point.

JADEing is about getting sucked into a power struggle.

[Justifying]
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're always splurging. Don't you think a homeless person would have appreciated you dropping the money in his cup?
Person A: I am not always splurging, I haven't bought anything for myself in months, and I give plenty of money to homeless people and charity.
Person B: If you have any left after wasting your money on ugly nail polish.

[Arguing]
Person B: That color is ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: Just because it looks good on a garden shed doesn't mean it's a good color for nail polish. It'll make your hands look like a corpse.
Person A: It will not. I've never seen a corpse with robin's egg blue nails.
Person B: Like you're an expert on dead bodies?

[Defending]
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: Oh, so Ann Romney is a fashion icon now? And your role model?
Person A: She's a lovely woman. I don't have to agree with her politics to notice she's attractive.
Person B: I got news for ya, sweetheart, she pays a lot for that hair, wardrobe, and makeup. You think you're in that league?
Person A: It's not an entire wardrobe, it's a bottle of nail polish, for Pete's sake!
Person B: So you think you can accomplish with one bottle of nail polish what she needs an entire staff of top stylists to pull off? Good luck with that!

[Explaining]
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I can still smell it on you when you come in.
Person A: Fine, I'll stay out an extra 15 minutes to make sure any smell has disappated.
Person B: I don't understand why you can't just let your nails stay their natural color.
Person A: It's fun, it's a quick and easy way to feel young and pretty.
Person B: *snorts* They say there's no fool like an old fool.

Eventually, Person B may get her/his way - persuading Person A not to wear the nail polish. Or, Person A may wear it anyway, but all the joy will have been sucked out of doing so. When JADEing mode is entered, neither party feels heard or satisfied.

Let's try cutting JADE off at the pass.

Here's some ways Person A can end the circular conversation.

Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: What one person considers wasteful, others consider a necessity. Sounds like you're in a sour mood; want to tell me about it?

Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: I'm sorry you think so, but I like it. What movie shall we see this weekend?

Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A [joking]: Crap, you've discovered my secret identity; grandparent by day, Grandmaster Trendsetter by night.

Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: You do seem to get a lot of headaches. What does your doctor say about that?


Here's some ways Person B can end the circular conversation.

Source: Uploaded by user via Pao on Pinterest

Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're right, I'm sorry I called it stupid. I'm sure I've spent as much or more money on things you'd consider silly, too. We're all entitled to splurge once in a while.



Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: You know, you're right. I do like that color on the garden shed, and I am sure I will get used to it on you, because you make everything beautiful.

Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: You know, you're right. I'm sorry I said you were too old. I think I'm too old, to get used to all these new fashions - but you'll be patient with me, won't you?  [joking] Have you seen my buttonhook around?

Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I don't think I've given you enough credit for doing that, and I do appreciate it. Sometimes, though, the odor is still really intense for me when you come inside. Would you be offended if I went into another room or let you know it still was too strong for me?


It takes time, practice, and above all, awareness, to realize you (or another person) have gotten sucked into a JADEing loop, which becomes not hearing, respecting, or validating the other person, but "I must win this point."

If an argument or discussion ends with one party feeling deflated, stupid, or disrespected, then both parties have lost, even the person who thinks s/he "won."

Relationships are not supposed to be wars. A successful relationship is where the goal is not that one person wins, and the other loses, but that both win.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Two Month Reclamation - Conclusion

This post continues with the conclusion of A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

A TWO-MONTH LEISURE RECLAMATION PROGRAM (conclusion)
As you put the [previous] suggestions into practice, expect resistance to come from both within and without. "Workaholism is the most socially acceptable of the addictions because it is so socially productive," write Schaef and Fassel. "Many people have responded to our description of workaholism with statements like, 'It is not the same as alcoholics, who destroy themselves and their loved ones; workaholics are productive members of the society.' We have to realize that for some organizations and for some people, destroying one's life and loved ones is acceptable if one produces something useful in the society."

Image via CrunchBase

If you think the steps I have described might help you, don't put off starting them! More than one patient has said, "You're right. All this work is ruining my life. And I'm going to do something about it - next month." Or "as soon as I finish this assignment." Or "just as soon as I can get my nest egg together."

Many people toil for years to achieve a "comfortable" future, only to wind up with a few years of retirement in which either they or their spouses are in poor health. They get to do only a fraction of the things they had looked forward to doing, and they feel bitter disappointment.

Finding the appropriate balance between work and the rest of your life may never be easy for you. But it's imperative to try. I like to remember the man who remarked that he had never heard of anyone on his deathbed saying, "My only regret is that I didn't work more."  You too are unlikely to die with such a regret. But if work dominates your life, will you be let with other, worse forms of remorse - over children that you never really knew, or intimate bonds that you sacrificed on the altar of overtime, a lifetime full of roses that you never stopped to smell?

***

I keep going back to Steve Jobs, and the stories about how he cooperated with Walter Isaacson on his biography because he wanted his family, especially his children, to know who he was.

You really think his kids thought, "Well, I didn't ever get to see much of my father, but half the world got to have cool iPhones, so I'm happy to take one for the team"? Think they're grateful to be learning all about their father from a book?

People can always find a reason excuse not to put aside their workaholic habits just yet.  Destroying your family and relationships through excessive work and make-work, such as never-ending housecleaning projects, is still destroying your family and relationships. Stop hiding behind work and start living and loving.

Have you put off addressing your workaholism?
Ever lost someone because you always chose
work over leisure?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Two Month Leisure Reclamation - Part Two

Working to get back on track here. Hey, this is the anti-perfectionism blog, you know!

This post continues with A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

A TWO-MONTH LEISURE RECLAMATION PROGRAM (continued)
If work has taken over your life, are you willing to try an experiment? For a limited period of time, can you spend less time working and more time living? To achieve that goal, I suggest you make the following changes for two months. <snip>

5.  Any time you slip into ruminations or worries about work, do the thought-stopping exercise: slap your thigh or blink, breathe deeply, tell yourself, "That's not helping," and refocus your thoughts.

6.  Strictly limit the time you spend on chores. Before tackling any project, ask, "Is this really so important? Do I want to spend most of my 'off' time for the rest of my life worrying about things like this? <snip>

As with professional tasks, the list of personal task that you "need to do" will never end, so don't have that as your goal. It's unreasonable to refuse to enjoy yourself just because you have unfinished chores, since you'll have them for the rest of your life. <snip> Obsessives tend to get caught up with maintenance, at the expense of really living. They spend extra time ordering, fixing, straightening, tending to small details, as life speeds by. <snip>

"Fed up with housework" by Alaskan Dude
via Flickr Creative Commons

7.  If you have the opportunity to refuse extra work, do so, if only during this two-month period. <snip>

The same advice [consult a trusted friend for perspective] applies if you're tempted to decline a promotion because you're already working too hard. Obsessives typically pride themselves on their capacity to do enormous amounts of work, and they sometimes forget that they are also valued for other qualities.  <snip>

Isn't it reasonable to be able to say occasionally, "I'm sorry, but I'm just swamped right now and can't take that on at the moment"? Chances are good that you are much more important to your employer than you realize.

8.  During activities with family or friends, be in the moment, even if you have left work to be done. Don't let yourself think of your spouse or children as nuisance that are keeping you from more important things. Take an active interest in their conversation. Really listen to what they are saying, instead of tuning them out to ruminate about work-related problems.

via mikebaird at Flickr Creative Commons
This mom & daughter are wonderfully "in the moment" with each other.

<snip> Now is the time to enjoy life. Remember, none of us can know for certain that we have any time other than the present moment.

***

As those of you who read the post directly before this one know, I have recently been forcibly reminded that we don't know for certain we will ever have any time other than the present moment, with the death of my friend Sid just a few weeks ago.

The world won't stop if we let the work go, once in a while. It is important to focus on the people and events that fill our hearts and spirit - and that shouldn't be paperwork and work-work all the time.

I "get" it. I have a busy and demanding day job, and sometimes it feels like I come home from that and plunge right into writing and research for this blog (or my other writing projects). But... I am getting on track to cut back and take more time for me, for things I enjoy (though I do enjoy writing), and for being with my friends and family.

If you have children or a partner, and, stars forbid, something happened to one of them, do you want your last memory of your time together to be of you absently mumbling, "Uh-huh, uh-huh," as you were focused on your laptop or smartphone? That you missed your shy child's debut as a tree in the school play because you got a last minute chance to put in some overtime?

If you let "work" consume all your leisure time, it is just as much an addiction as alcohol or crack cocaine.  You are not virtuous, you are an addict.

And if you always choose work over relationships, eventually work will be all you have left.

Have you tried any of the tips, above?
Lost someone you loved, that you wished
you'd spent more time with?

Your thoughts?

Fighting to BE in the Moment

swimming pool (Photo credit: freefotouk)

So my new (two years now!) apartment has a swimming pool. And the weather is finally warm enough for me to get into it on a regular basis.

So why can't I just swim and enjoy it?

I find I am having a lot of trouble, these days, to keep the pool simply as an activity of fun and/or relaxation, rather than turning it into a chore.

Swimming is good exercise, we all know that, and I need to get in more exercise. So I am swimming laps, and I enjoy swimming laps, but I am trying not to let that become a chore. To have it become, "You must swim XX many laps."

I am trying to enjoy the texture and temperature of the cool water as my arms and legs move (ungracefully, but nobody's watching) through the water, the feel of it flowing through and around my fingers and toes, the faint smell of chlorine, the the shimmer of the water, the warmth of the sun on my face and back.

And that's another thing. The pool isn't heated, and like many apartments in SoCal, it's in an unnatural canyon. Between the shadow of the buildings on the east, and the ones on the west, the pool only gets direct sunlight for perhaps 5-6 hours each day, even in July, and the temps can drop as much as 30 degrees at night. So the water temperature tends to stay cool, even on days when the temperature reaches the 80's or 90's.

This means, since I am not a fan of the cold, I like to lie out long enough to get heated up, before getting into the water.  (Yes, I always use sunscreen. No, not always all over - later on I generally find a spot or three that I managed to miss.)

I lie out, get warm, or hot even, get in the pool and swim some laps till I am tired and/or cold, then repeat.

Can I simply lie in the sun, enjoy the rays sinking into my body with their vitamin D, slowly turning my skin from its natural corpselike white color to a faintly tan color?

No, I feel I have to do something, even when I am lying out. The other day I took pages with me for a speech I am rehearsing. Generally I take a book. Because otherwise how can I justify slicing out 1 1/2 to 3 hours, in the middle of a perfectly good day, when I could be writing/organizing/houseworking or Doing Something Productive?

Yeah, do ya think maybe I should learn something from these posts on workaholics? Yes, I have many Important Events coming up, that demand research and preparation.

And yet, it is still okay to set aside time for pure relaxation. Not just okay, but necessary. To kick back and tell that monkey mind just to hush.

I'm going to try to get in the pool a few evenings a week, plus at least one day this coming weekend,  when I will just BE poolside, and in the water.  Just to enjoy the water, and the sun, and the palm trees rustling in the wind.

I may take a book, if I am reading one that I enjoy, or I may not.

What do you do to beat back the "productive" vibe?

Your thoughts?

Lessons of the Roller Rink

Blue disco quad roller skates (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I was in middle school, one of the few entertainment options for people my age was going to THE local roller rink. (Yes, there was only one.)

I will spare you the details of the boy I always hoped would Pick ME for the Couples Only skates (he's mostly foggy in my mind anyway) and move to my main point:

We almost always skated widdershins (counter-clockwise). It makes sense, in order to avoid carnage on the floor (which there would have been) that there was ONE official direction in which to skate. Most people are right-handed; beginner skaters could then clutch the safety bar along the wall with their right hands.

Most of us were also on rental skates, owned by the rink, since most parents didn't want to pony up for skates used perhaps a dozen times before their kids grew out of them.

However, several times a night they would turn on the light for all skaters to reverse direction.  So now we were going clockwise, instead of counter-clockwise.

It felt weird. It felt unnatural. Our bodies were accustomed to doing our cross-overs of right foot over left at the turns (mine were, anyway). Our vision wasn't used to watching out for out-of-control skaters coming at us from different directions.

More than that, the skates themselves were used to going in a different direction. The wheels bore a subtle wear pattern that made us want to circle left, like NASCAR, rather than circle right.

There were a lot more spills and accidents when everybody was going clockwise - more, even, than there were when the setting was for backwards skating only.

(If you're curious, I did, eventually, master learn to mostly stay upright when backwards skating. Nothing like these peeps, though. Though I did entertain fantasies of skating this well, which I would easily accomplish while in the company of the sweaty-handed boy from the grade above me.)

Any excuse to show Patrick Swayze performing is a good one, IMO.

Anyway, my point (and I do have one) is that when a pattern/habit is being changed, maybe there's more than one component. There's the mind, of course, with its patterns, and then perhaps one is having to work against an actual physical component that inclines a person to naturally lean left, as it were.   I remember sometimes having to really work against the skates that wanted me to go in that direction (which was directly into the wall). My mind would feel like it was totally in the groove, but my skates were saying, "Bitch, we don't care how and where you want to turn."

Sometimes I managed it. Sometimes I faceplanted.

I think, for those struggling with mental illness, or even long-ingrained habit, maybe we should cut ourselves a little slack when we fail, not get into blaming ourselves.  (Not that we should stop trying to end a bad habit, or start a new one.)

But maybe it's not ALL our mind or lack of willpower or negative attitude that causes us to fail.  Maybe sometimes it's a pair of funky skates.

Your thoughts?

A-Z: Validation Station

Not talking about for your parking pass.  Of course, it's important for us all to develop a strong inner sense of self, and not be constantly seeking the approval of others.

Yet both giving and receiving emotional validation is a key part of being a human being. People by nature are interdependent with one another.  What brings people together? A sense that we share the same feelings about: progressive music, or baseball, or RomCom movies.

When I am overflowing with feelings, and go to someone I love, I don't want to be cut off, told my feelings are stupid, or "fixed."

From Eqi.org

What Validation Is
To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings. Next, it is to understand them, and finally it is to nurture them. 

To validate is to acknowledge and accept one's unique identity and individuality. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge their feelings, and hence, their individual identity. 

When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. We are reassuring them that it is okay to have the feelings they have. We are demonstrating that we will still accept them after they have shared their feelings. We let them know that we respect their perception of things at that moment. We help them feel heard, acknowledged, understood and accepted. 

Sometimes validation entails listening, sometimes it is a nod or a sign of agreement or understanding, sometimes it can be a hug or a gentle touch. Sometimes it means being patient when the other person is not ready to talk.

The concept of validation is what's behind this phrase from the movie Avatar, "I see you."

Being seen, being accepted, being honored not for the shell of our bodies, but as a soul, a divine spark. Namaste is sometimes translated as "I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells. I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are one." (from livestrong.com)

from The Antidote To Anger and Frustration:

Emotional Validation is a Basic Human Need
Emotional validation is something we all seek and crave far more than we realize. When we are upset, angry, frustrated, disappointed or hurt, our tendency is to want to discuss our feelings with others so we can get it off our chest.

However, getting things off our chest by telling others about our feelings is not always satisfying or cathartic. If the person to whom we vent simply looks at us and shrugs or responds by giving us advice or by telling us what we did wrong, we won't feel any better and we will probably feel worse after speaking with them.

What we seek when venting to others is for that person to 'get it', to understand what happened to us and why we feel the way we do. We want them to validate our feelings by conveying that understanding to us and to do so with a dollop of sympathy or empathy (read: How to Test Your Empathy).

When we are extremely angry or upset, we tell someone why and they totally get it truly and effectively validates our feelings. As a result, the relief and catharsis we experience is tremendous! Only then can we actually let go of at least some of the feelings we had built up. It is that which feels like an authentic visceral 'release'.

We don't have to agree with what someone is feeling to validate those feelings. We don't even have to be particularly empathetic to be good at validation.

Here's one technique, the I AM MAD. (Works for more than BPD)

I am-mad emotional validation skill

View more PowerPoint from bondobbs

Because I tend to be a fixer, myself, one thing I try to do when someone is telling me a story and I am overflowing with advice, is take a step back, and ASK, "Do you need suggestions or advice, or are you just looking to vent?"

Hoping with practice to get ever better at it.

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Have you ever felt emotionally invalidated?

How did it make you feel?

Do you try hard to validate the feelings of others?

Got any good tips?

A-Z: Kindness & Being A Pushover - Not The Same Thing

We tend to give people not necessarily what they want, but what we would want if we were in their place.

Sometimes we think we are being kind, when in reality, what are we doing? Avoiding confrontation. Being "nice" - because it is much less work to be nice, right at the  moment, than to take a stand and say, "No." "No, that's not what I want; No, I don't want to do that. I understand that you want me to do X, but I choose to do Y."

Whatever your particular "no," is, it will take much energy and effort to maintain your position in the face of the disappointment, manipulation, or tantrum of somebody you do actually care about.

On one of the support boards I belong to, there's a new member, who's realized that she really doesn't want to live with her (untreated) hoarding fiance after all.  He's only partway moved in, and already there are boxes and piles everywhere. She's expressed her dismay, which her fiance has brushed off, and she's being instructed to "just jump over" the piles of books and belongings that already block her route to the bathroom and bed, with his  move less than half complete.

She wants to tell her fiance, "Whoa, wait a minute. Not what I signed up for, not how I want to live. I think you should stay in your own place, after all, or find another place to live." She's hinted at this already, but he's refused to take the hint. Still, she doesn't want to be mean. She thinks perhaps it'll be easier, if she simply goes along with it for a few months, brings it up gradually.  That it'll be kinder that way.

Kinder? Gentler? No, not really.

If you remember this song... you must be ancient.

If your partner would be devastated by something you say today, trust me, s/he will be just as devastated a week, or two, or ten from now. Please also note - if you are involved with a disordered person, and you stand up to him/her, they may throw a tantrum as large as that thrown by a 3 year old in the cereal aisle.  And be just as scarred in the long-term (that is, not at all) as that 3 year old. As the non-disordered person, taking the long-view is something only you can do.

Get help, if you don't have the courage/strength to confront him/her, but don't lie to yourself that you're simply trying to be nice/kind. Honestly? You're being chicken sh-t.

Letting a disordered person walk all over you is not, in the long run, a kindness. Not to them, not to you. Staying in a marriage with someone you have grown to loathe - not seeking counseling, not trying a trial separation, not trying to mend the marriage, or break it apart cleanly, but simply to fake it so you are not too bothered by the other person's distress or grief - you're not being kind. You're being a coward.

Take it from Queen Chickensh-t herself. I did not, in the end, spare my partner (or myself) any pain by dragging it out in hopes something miraculous would happen. The times I let him do something crazy and did not call him on it, out of fear (and sometimes, confusion) on my part, did not magically heal him.

You will have to leave - or stay with - a disordered person who is refusing treatment as long as seems right to you. But please, don't delude yourself that by postponing the issue, you are being kind. You're not. It's like a deferred payment on a credit card - it will come due, and with some rather hideous interest charges.

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Have you ever been "cruel to be kind"?

Has someone ever "let your down gradually" in a way that hurt more 

than if s/he'd been truthful straight up? Your thoughts?

A-Z: Journaling for Mental Wellness

One of the best ways to keep one's sanity is not apples (though a healthy diet is an integral part of mental as well as physical health), but journaling.

We're all walking/crawling/being dragged through life. We are on a journey through life, and the word journal comes from the same root.  It's a record of our passing through.

What Are The Benefits of Journaling?:

Journaling allows people to clarify their thoughts and feelings, thereby gaining valuable self-knowledge. It’s also a good problem-solving tool; oftentimes, one can hash out a problem and come up with solutions more easily on paper. Journaling about traumatic events helps one process them by fully exploring and releasing the emotions involved, and by engaging both hemispheres of the brain in the process, allowing the experience to become fully integrated in one’s mind.

As for the health benefits of journaling, they've been scientifically proven. Research shows the following:

• Journaling decreases the symptoms of asthma, arthritis, and other health conditions.
• It improves cognitive functioning.
• It strengthens the immune system, preventing a host of illnesses.
• It counteracts many of the negative effects of stress.

There are various sites online that offer journaling prompts, so if you want to try journaling, and are staring at a blank page, you can find a way to prime the pump.

Tips to Start Journaling

Journaling — the act of writing things down somewhere (where doesn’t really matter) — has many benefits. Here’s an important one:

“It’s not in the rereading that one finds solace but in the writing itself. It’s like crying—you don’t know why, but you feel so much better afterward. Everything pours, streams, flows, out of you aimlessly,” writes Samara O’Shea in her beautifully written book Note to Self: On Keeping A Journal And Other Dangerous Pursuits.

Here’s another: Journaling is a profound — and simple — way to get to know yourself better. To figure out what makes you tick. What makes you happy. What makes you defensive. What makes you giggle or grateful or grieve. What makes you who you are.

Quite simply, it’s a great tool to help you grow.

Throughout Note to Self, O’Shea shares excerpts from her journals, along with journal entries from others, including Anne Frank, Sylvia Plath and Tennessee Williams. She also shares how to get started. These are a few of her tips:

• “Say anything.” There are no shoulds, only woulds, she writes. Don’t think about what a journal should be. “Write the good, bad, mad, angry, boring, and ugly.”
• Don’t lose faith if you don’t feel better instantly. As O’Shea writes, “Sometimes, a writing session will be the fast-acting mental medicine needed to release pent-up emotions, and other times, it will just be the beginning of getting to know yourself or dealing with a problem.” She says to focus on the long term. Over time, you’ll be able to witness “your emotional evolution.”
• Just start. Remember that your journal will develop on its own. Still got nothing? Try a few prompts, such as answering questions or describing your life.

Picking a journal.  There is something beautiful and intimate about keeping a handwritten journal. It can have a beautiful leather cover, a pretty pink one, or be a wire bound notebook- whatever works for you. Or, you can write your journal on the computer itself, if typing is easier to you than writing by hand. This may be the way to go if you are afraid someone will find your physical journal, but be sure to always passcode protect anything you write on a shared computer (and know that passcodes can always be cracked).

A journal can start for one purpose, and then be used for another.  You might want to start a food diary, for instance, because you are having digestive issues and think you might be allergic to something. Or you're trying a new medication, and you want to monitor for possible side effects. You might want to journal to track your writing progress, as a love letter to yourself. You might want to work out grief over the loss of a loved one.

Sadly, a very important reason to keep a journal might be if you are living with a mentally ill person. They can be so sure and so persuasive of their reality (think gaslighting) that you get lost in the FOG and lose touch with what is real and what is not real.  They're probably not even doing it on purpose - they may be expressing their reality as best they can, but all of those who've spent time with a disordered person know that they can "forget" fights, insults, even assaults. Keeping a journal was one of the ways that I found my way out of the FOG.

There is no wrong reason to keep a journal. And many good ones. So pick up that quill - or Bic, or Uniball, and start journaling!

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Do you, or have you ever kept a journal?

What were the benefits? Disadvantages?

Related articles

• Become a Better Person by Keeping a Journal (lifehack.org)
• 10 Journaling Tips To Help You Heal, Grow, and Thrive (tinybuddha.com)
• In Defense of Journaling (spilledcookies.com)
• Online Journaling (167hours.net)
• Journaling Ideas (thestressoflife.com)
• A-Z: FOG - That Misty Combination of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com)

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 7 -Abolishing Worry A Practical Method

This post continues with Abolishing Worry - A Practical Method from Chapter Seven.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Abolishing Worry - A Practical Method

If you rationalize your worrying and ruminating by blaming them on external events - this or that professional problem, financial crisis, or potential social mishap - realize that you're deluding yourself. As soon as one problem is resolved or hurdle passed, you will find something new to worry or ruminate about. No matter how much money you earn, how good your health is, how satisfying your marriage is, or what other good fortune you enjoy, you'll always be unhappy. It is not external events that are causing your chronic unhappiness, the problem is internal and self-created. And this will never change unless you take active steps to change it.

<snip> But this is one area in which I can offer direct, clear-cut advice that - followed conscientiously - is very likely to help.

It is a behavior therapy technique called thought-stopping. Before trying it, you must first be able to acknowledge that your worrying and ruminating are voluntary actions. External events don't "make" you worry; you've shaped yourself into a chronic worrier. Fortunately, with concerted attention and effort, you can moderate this destructive thought pattern.

The first step is to become more aware of your tendency to worry or ruminate each time it occurs. Negative thoughts at first may come so automatically that it will take you several minute even to notice them. But with time you'll "catch" such thoughts closer and closer to their onset. The moment you do notice, say to yourself, "I'm doing it now. I'm worrying [or ruminating]." At the same time, try to examine how these thoughts make you feel - note yours stomach tightening or your jaw beginning to tense up. Recognize that your emotional state is one of pain and discomfort, not relief or satisfaction. And notice how the worry or rumination is distracting your from more pleasant thoughts or something enjoyable in your immediate environment, or how it's sapping your attention and energy.

Once you can catch yourself worrying or ruminating, you're ready for the next step. Find a rubber band that fits comfortably around your wrist, and put it on. (For most people, newspaper rubber bands are ideal.) Wear it all day, every day.

Each time you find yourself worrying or ruminating, instead of paying attention to how painful it feels or what it's costing you, quickly pull the rubber band out an inch or two, let it snap back, and simultaneously say "Stop!" aloud. If you're afraid of being overheard, just say it to yourself, but give yourself a stern command. Inhale deeply, then relax, and let the breath out slowly, telling yourself, "Worrying [or ruminating] won't help." Then refocus all your attention and energy onto whatever is at hand. Some people do their best worrying in the middle of the night, when there is no more pleasant or useful activity at hand. If this is the case, after you say, "Worrying won't help," focus all your attention on relaxing every muscle in your body, while imagining yourself in some peaceful, idyllic setting.

The entire thought-stopping process should take only about fifteen seconds. You may think it's too simple, too pat, or too superficial to have any effect on such a deeply ingrained behavior. It isn't. It has helped many people make significant changes.

Perhaps you are afraid that the rubber band will look silly or draw attention. Remember that the whole purpose of this exercise is to help you put things in perspective so that you can enjoy life more.  Try to approach your self-consciousness, another self-defeating trait, in the same spirit.

Test the exercise for a month. You'll find that it won't jeopardize your job or ruin your relationships; it will improve them. Do the exercise as long as necessary for new habits to form. This usually takes months. However, several patients have told me that after the first month they rarely snap the rubber band anymore because just looking at it stops the worrying immediately.

Whether it takes several months or just one, you'll find the rewards well worth the effort. You'll be happier, more relaxed, and more able to enjoy the moment. You'll also find yourself relating better to others. If you're not mired in negative thoughts, you'll have more unfettered mental energy and attention available for family and friends, and they will notice and respond. They'll experience you as being more present and more connected with them. They will enjoy your company more, feel closer to you, and treat your accordingly.

***

As soon as one problem is resolved or hurdle passed, you will find something new to worry or ruminate about.  Yep.  My ex did that - and I do that, sometimes.

I normally wear a scrunchie around my wrist, too, but don't snap it as often as I probably should.

Most of this is about being mindful - recognizing when we're drifting into needless worry/ruminating territory, so we can literally snap ourselves out of it.  Recognizing how crappy it makes us feel.

I wanted to write a big long post and expand on this at length, but recently, life has been busy, so I got nothin' else, right now.  And this, too, is okay.  Letting myself have what I need - in this case, some extra rest and down time, is good, too.

Have you tried thought-stopping?
Your thoughts?