Birth of a JADE - Two Different Scripts

Colourful nail polishes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Let's take OCPD and other disorders and lock them in a closet somewhere (don't you wish we could?), pretend they don't exist, and look at what is going on when JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining) occurs, regardless of whether one person in the relationship is disordered, or both are, or neither are.

If you've ever been in an amateur play situation, you understand the concept of scripts: Person A says line 1, Person B says line 2. If Person B forgets line 2, Person A will repeat his/her line, or rephrase it in certain ways, trying to prompt Person B to remember and say line 2.

In a  disordered conversation, it's like Person A and Person B are working from two different scripts.

Source: data.whicdn.com via Jess on Pinterest

Person A comes bouncing into the room and displays a bottle of nail polish. "Look at this!" s/he says exuberantly. "This weekend, I'm going to paint all my nails this pretty robin's egg blue!"

What Person A is hoping for in response could go in any number of directions:

• Ooh, what a gorgeous color! Can you do mine, too?
• You're always doing something wild and crazy. [If said with affection]
• That's going to look great on you.
• When I was growing up,women only painted their nails in shades of red. All the different colors still look strange to me, but I've noticed many women wearing them. [An invitation to a discussion about changing fashions.]
• Alrighty then.

Basically, Person A wants any response that says, "I hear you, I love you, I support you, I approve of you."

But what if, for whatever reason, Person B freaks out?  

I recently read psychologist Jonathan Haidt's The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion. 

In this book he brings compelling evidence that we reach conclusions quickly, and produce reasons later only to justify what we've already decided.  He even references demand-resistance, though not by that name.

In a split second, Person B's "gut reaction" is that s/he doesn't like Person A's wild nail polish plans. It's not based on facts or logic, though s/he may truly believe it is. S/he doesn't like it, therefore it's wrong, therefore s/he must convince Person A that it's wrong. Her/his verbal response may be:

• I can't believe you wasted your money [or our money] on something so stupid.
• That color is so ugly.
• Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
• You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
• Did you forget we have plans this weekend? When did you think you were going to do this wild manicure scheme?
• I don't suppose you remembered to pick up the Whoosits I asked you to get, did you?
• I wish something so shallow and superficial made me happy.

Person B has changed the script. Whatever Person A replies now, the only correct response for Person B has become, "I accept your opinion/displeasure/dominance, and will no longer proceed to paint my nails this color."

JADEing is an attempt to return to the first script.

Person A really does want Person B's approval, or at the very least, tolerance and not disapproval. JADEing assumes that the issue is a failure in communication, that Person B can be won over, if only the right reasons are presented.

But because Person's B's reaction is emotional, not logical, no matter how many of her/his arguments get shot down, s/he will come back with more, because s/he knows it is wrong for Person A to wear that nail polish.

The issue is not (and never was, really) about a minor fashion choice. It's about whose opinion/wish gets validated.

The only way the conversation can end is if either Person A or Person B realizes that the script is not going to be followed, and exits the circular conversation, because the relationship is more important than "winning" their point.

JADEing is about getting sucked into a power struggle.

[Justifying]
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're always splurging. Don't you think a homeless person would have appreciated you dropping the money in his cup?
Person A: I am not always splurging, I haven't bought anything for myself in months, and I give plenty of money to homeless people and charity.
Person B: If you have any left after wasting your money on ugly nail polish.

[Arguing]
Person B: That color is ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: Just because it looks good on a garden shed doesn't mean it's a good color for nail polish. It'll make your hands look like a corpse.
Person A: It will not. I've never seen a corpse with robin's egg blue nails.
Person B: Like you're an expert on dead bodies?

[Defending]
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: Oh, so Ann Romney is a fashion icon now? And your role model?
Person A: She's a lovely woman. I don't have to agree with her politics to notice she's attractive.
Person B: I got news for ya, sweetheart, she pays a lot for that hair, wardrobe, and makeup. You think you're in that league?
Person A: It's not an entire wardrobe, it's a bottle of nail polish, for Pete's sake!
Person B: So you think you can accomplish with one bottle of nail polish what she needs an entire staff of top stylists to pull off? Good luck with that!

[Explaining]
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I can still smell it on you when you come in.
Person A: Fine, I'll stay out an extra 15 minutes to make sure any smell has disappated.
Person B: I don't understand why you can't just let your nails stay their natural color.
Person A: It's fun, it's a quick and easy way to feel young and pretty.
Person B: *snorts* They say there's no fool like an old fool.

Eventually, Person B may get her/his way - persuading Person A not to wear the nail polish. Or, Person A may wear it anyway, but all the joy will have been sucked out of doing so. When JADEing mode is entered, neither party feels heard or satisfied.

Let's try cutting JADE off at the pass.

Here's some ways Person A can end the circular conversation.

Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: What one person considers wasteful, others consider a necessity. Sounds like you're in a sour mood; want to tell me about it?

Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: I'm sorry you think so, but I like it. What movie shall we see this weekend?

Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A [joking]: Crap, you've discovered my secret identity; grandparent by day, Grandmaster Trendsetter by night.

Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: You do seem to get a lot of headaches. What does your doctor say about that?


Here's some ways Person B can end the circular conversation.

Source: Uploaded by user via Pao on Pinterest

Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're right, I'm sorry I called it stupid. I'm sure I've spent as much or more money on things you'd consider silly, too. We're all entitled to splurge once in a while.



Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: You know, you're right. I do like that color on the garden shed, and I am sure I will get used to it on you, because you make everything beautiful.

Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: You know, you're right. I'm sorry I said you were too old. I think I'm too old, to get used to all these new fashions - but you'll be patient with me, won't you?  [joking] Have you seen my buttonhook around?

Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I don't think I've given you enough credit for doing that, and I do appreciate it. Sometimes, though, the odor is still really intense for me when you come inside. Would you be offended if I went into another room or let you know it still was too strong for me?


It takes time, practice, and above all, awareness, to realize you (or another person) have gotten sucked into a JADEing loop, which becomes not hearing, respecting, or validating the other person, but "I must win this point."

If an argument or discussion ends with one party feeling deflated, stupid, or disrespected, then both parties have lost, even the person who thinks s/he "won."

Relationships are not supposed to be wars. A successful relationship is where the goal is not that one person wins, and the other loses, but that both win.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Don't Pressure the Obsessive

via Flickr Creative Commons

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 5 - Don't Pressure the Obsessive from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

5 - Don't Pressure the Obsessive

What about when you want the obsessive to do something - anything from making a simple decision to changing some deeply entrenched pattern?

Be forewarned: any direct confrontation in which you try to force the other person to change is almost certainly doomed to failure. Your request or demand will only increase his inclination to assert his dominance or "rightness," escalating the power struggle.

<snip>He and a fellow lawyer were choosing between two available offices in a building they planned to share. Hal, my patient, was perfectly content to give his associate first choice, but the other man was vacillating, holding up Hall's move into the new quarters. Hal related one of their conversations:

"Once again, I asked him which one he wanted, and he told me he still couldn't decide. Since he'd been leaning toward number two, I told him that he could have it and I would take the other one. But he hit the roof, telling me that he hadn't said he wanted number two, and that the rent was higher. So I said, 'Okay. You take number one, and I'll take number two.'

"'Number one is too small.'

"'Would you rather I choose?'

"'No! I was here first, so I think I deserve first choice.'

"'Do you have any idea when you'll know which office you want?'

"'I don't know'."

via Flickr Creative Commons

At first, maybe the other man's goal really was, as he consciously believed, to pick the office that best suited his needs; secondarily, he may have enjoyed the sense of control he felt in making Hal wait. But when Hal pressured him, that changed. The associate became more invested in keeping the control, which he did by obstructing Hal.  The more impatient Hal got, the more determined the other was to delay his decision, because by now he as angry. He couldn't show it directly because he had no logical reason for it. So instead he unconsciously retaliated by blocking Hal.

I suggested that Hal try backing off completely - that he tell the associate to take his time and call whenever he had decided. When I saw Hal a week later, he said that given that leeway, his associate had decided instantly.

<snip>Instead of saying, "You must change," for example, make sure you're conveying, "I would like you to do this, for reasons x, y, and z." If you have to know your boss's plans by a certain date, tell him so, but be sure to explain why, so that he doesn't interpret your need to know as an ultimatum, a control play, or manipulation. Your reasons should always reflect your own needs, or your difficulty with the status quo, rather than a judgment about the obsessive's behavior. For instance, say, "If I don't find out your plans by such-and-such a time, I won't be able to obtain a reduced-rate ticket," not, "I hate it when you do this to me. You always make me wait, and it's so inconsiderate!"

<snip> While change in the obsessive must come from within, sometimes healthy, truly unilateral changes in one partner will inspire changes in the other. We aren't truly sure why this happens, but some would say that one person's chronic tardiness and its outcome - the partner's nagging and pushing him - is a recreation of some aspect of a childhood relationship, and that it suits some need in each party. This view says that one one refuses to continue in the role of nagging, disappointed, disapproving parent, the other loses his unwitting collaborator and drops the corresponding role.

***

via Flickr Creative Commons

Tiptoeing around The Right Way to approach the Perfectionist Personality can be a minefield.  

While yes, much tact is needed, and Mallinger's excellent suggestions to back off if possible, or to give the reason in a non-judgmental way do work much of the time, sometimes they don't.

My advice is, if you do your best to be tactful and non-pressuring, and your partner or parent blows up anyway, don't take it personally. I've heard of teens (or younger children) getting blasted because they had to get a parent's signature on a field trip permission slip or a report card by a certain date, and they didn't ask in the right way or at the right moment.  Now, perhaps they didn't use ultimate tact or timing, but they're kids - they shouldn't have to.

There are several families I know whose best working solution to time conflicts is to take two separate vehicles to most social events. Maybe the Perfectionist insists on being places twenty minutes early, no matter what, and frets over being asked to wait when he is ready to leave. Maybe the Perfectionist waits until the last minute to do her hair and is always running late.  Maybe one member of the household likes to hang around and socialize after church, and the other wants to head straight home the moment the service ends. By taking two vehicles, the power squabble about when to leave is averted, even if it creates a slightly bigger gasoline bill and a few raised eyebrows from family or friends. (If anyone even notices. Outsiders generally notice less about our internal family dynamics than we think they do, and they care even less, being busy with their own affairs.)

Some things, you have to jump on at the right moment - if you have a plane reservation at XX time, and there's a shuttle picking your family up at XX time to catch that reservation, you'll either make it or miss it, Sweetcheeks.  Other events, like a family car road trip - if your goal is leaving at five a.m., and instead you leave at five-fifteen, or even six, this is not a national disaster.

What is very true about this section of Too Perfect, is the observation when you change your habitual behavior, the dynamic in the relationship will change. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, sometimes it's not possible to determine in which direction it is, but it will be different.

When most people discover OCPD, and make an amateur diagnosis of their partner, parent, friend or co-worker, the first question is usually, "How do I change or fix this person?'

The answer, that you can't change other people, only yourself, feels weird, wrong, and counter-intuitive. Hey, they are the people with the problem! Whaddya mean, I have to change myself?

But it's true. First off, just because they (might) have a diagnosable mental disorder, does not mean those of us who chose to partner them, or work with them, or who are unchosen (siblings, children, parents, and so on) are totally disorder-free. We may very well have our own Issues ("Can you say co-dependence, boys and girls?"), and would do well to heed the Bible's advice about removing the beam from our own eye, as a first step.

Second, what we are looking to change is not really the other person, but the dynamics of our relationship with the other person.  Our relationship with this person, about whom we care deeply (or perhaps hate, in the case of the Boss from Hell), is currently very painful, and we want it to be Not Painful. Joyous, even.

There is no fairy wand we can wave and !Poof! The other person is no longer obsessive and perfectionistic.

But when we change the "ballet" we've worked out - and there always is one, when Person A says/does X, Person B replies Y - we are already shaking things up. Doesn't matter if we are Person A or Person B, if we change the way we approach or reply to another person, they are forced to rethink and change the way they interact with us.

Does it work?
Yes and no. It depends on what we are looking for.

If we hope there is some magic formula, that, when applied, will make a relationship with a disordered person (not counting the we ourselves may have disorders of our own) into a quote normal unquote relationship, then no, it doesn't work. What is possible (sometimes) is a relationship that is more tolerable and less painful for us.  Sometimes it may feel like what we consider normal, but we can never let our guard down, never assume that yippee, the problems are all better now. A disordered brain is like a roller skate that always wants to go left - it takes active awareness and effort to make it go right or straight, and the minute you let it go on autopilot, you end up going left again. If we are skating arm in arm with the person with the gimpy skate, we cannot blithely follow their lead.

And sometimes, the other person may become so frustrated and upset that we have chosen to make major changes in the relationship dynamic, that they choose to end it, altogether.  There are no guarantees (and sometimes, the partner of a disordered person might do anything and everything his/her partner requests, and the disordered person STILL ends the relationship).

If you are hurting, and the way your current relationship is "working" is not working, for you, isn't it worth trying a different approach?

Your thoughts?

The Hoover Has Lost Its Suction

Early electric vacuum cleaner by Electric Suction Sweeper Company, circa 1908, predecessor of Hoover vacuum cleaner (1922). Exhibit in National Museum of American History, Washington, DC, USA. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I started this blog, I had recently moved out from a home I shared with my (undiagnosed) OCPD boyfriend, though at the time we were continuing to "date."  As things progressed, I realized I was not and never could be happy with him, and decided to make an official split after the New Year, about three years ago.

And then, I couldn't wait. I couldn't, absolutely could NOT, be "with him" to ring in the New Year as part of a couple, when I was all but chewing my own leg off to be completely free. So, I made an official break with him, in between Christmas and before New Year's, though we have "stayed friends," and I have seen him from time to time.

And he is... not, miraculously, cured. He is always on his best behavior when we meet or speak, and hoovers as best he can. He tells me he loves me, he thinks of me every day, misses me, blah blah, and yet

• He has not made a move to get of  any of the items that cluttered our home and garage. In fact, the hoard has increased in the room that had been our shared office.
• He has not "had time" to set up the computer I gave him over two years ago when his old one was failing. (He has no real day job, and he used to work on computers for a living, so it's not beyond his skillset.)
• He is very proud of his anorectic "discipline" in losing weight and fitting into his older jeans. (He was 160 lbs on a 6'1" frame - he looks to have lost at least 10-15 lbs. And he's critical of me because I have gone in the opposite direction.)
• He continues in monologue "loops" repeating the same thing 3-5 times in the course of several minutes. Much of what I say to him doesn't "stick" in his memory till the next time we talk, and his "conversation" is more a kind of verbal diarrhea/loosing the floodgates. There is no interrupting, changing the subject, or squeezing a word in edgewise until he's talked himself out.
• I don't know if he is drinking to excess all the time, but he seems to do it quite a bit before he calls me, or on the rare occasions we've visited together. Doesn't help the monologuing.

He's made various attempts to control me, to no avail. For instance, there was a family event to which we were both invited, in September. (One of the reasons I can't entirely cut him out of my life, he has a decades-long friendship with several members of my family.) He called to ask if I could give him a ride to/from the event (in theory, so he could save on gas, but actually, so he could drink). I said I would, but as part of the event included a religious ceremony beforehand, I would need to pick him up at XX time.

Well, he didn't want to go to the religious ceremony. It would be too hot, he whined. (This was three weeks before the event.) I said, yep, it's hot right now, it could very well still be hot then, or it might not, but I was going to the religious ceremony, so if he wanted to ride with me, he'd have to deal with it.  Or we could see if another family member could give him a ride, and I could give him a ride home afterwards. Then he got all snippy about how he was perfectly capable of getting there by himself and didn't need a ride from me. I think he thought I'd apologize for offending him, as I would've done, back in the day, but I just said, "Okay, whatever."

At the event, he fastened himself to my side like a barnacle.  Which was fine; it was a very noisy venue, and it wasn't like I was planning to pick up a date or engage in serious conversation there anyway.  Then he left in somewhat of a tiff because he got offended at something or I wasn't paying him enough attention, who knows?! I think he was simply overwhelmed - by the crowd, by the noise - and because he was driving, he wasn't able to drink enough to quell his anxiety.

I had him over for drinks on Thanksgiving - but did not ask him to stay for dinner, and declined his invitation to come to his place (our old place) for dinner, but did go see him last weekend, though NOT on Christmas itself nor Christmas Eve.

 Oh, hilarious, I showed him a recent picture of one of my sisters, who he knows, and he thought she looked "scary" because she was wearing "too much makeup." (Trust me, she wasn't, and even if she was, he thought saying that would endear him to me?)

On TV, because he always has the TV on, he had on some surfing documentary (he surfed as a teen, before he decided he hated the beach because it has icky sand and salt water). Primed by that, he engaged in his lecture mode which I remember so well. Obviously, he'd seen the program before - perhaps several times. He would parrot the points the narrator had either just made or was about to make, seemingly unaware that he wasn't bringing anything new to the table. He used to do this several times a week when I was living with him, and it drove me crazy. Now I find it pitiful and only slightly annoying, though I also know I could NEVER stand a steady diet of it again.

I noticed the sofa and chair are now entirely covered by towels and blankets, so as to keep the material from getting soiled.  He kept offering me food and drinks, trying to press me to drink something more, something more even though I declined.

War Horse (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We also watched a movie he wanted to share with me. (I brought one down with me I thought he'd like, but he couldn't deal with a change of plans.) So we saw War Horse, which I did enjoy very much, though I found I had to slip into old habits to block out his babbling during the movie. At a few dramatic scenes, he held my hand, and I let him, but I felt... nothing for this alcoholic old man, almost 60 now, but pity and revulsion.


It's so sad, all in all. I know he is bitterly lonely. All these things are his efforts to connect; he just doesn't have in him a way to connect that is real and honest and interesting.  At the risk of being rude, I will say it - he BORES me now. His old man crochets and his whining fussiness and his monologuing and his nervous chain smoking...

Yuck, I came home and couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, as despite the many smokeless ashtrays and air cleaners my clothes smelled like an ashtray.

The single, part-time job he has - being property manager of his little house, and one up front - has now thrown him for a tizzy because he may have to find new renters for the front house.  Which means he might have to go online (he's kept subscriptions to all the movie channels, but not for internet access, because I paid for that, and he can't afford the expense. *snort*)  I suggested that he get internet access, or go online through his best buddy, or at the library. (In other words, don't look at me, dude.)

He tried all the rehearsed moves he had made decades before, the husky whispers, the "I'm still so in love with you," and they left me cold. His lips have apologized many times for hurting me - but he never really understood how and why he hurt me, and he still doesn't.  The last time I tried to discuss one of the more egregious instances, he insisted that "in an emergency situation" ( a hot water pipe had burst) he was entitled to scream obscenities at me (for not mopping the floor fast enough). While I held to the bizarre notion that even in a true, life-threatening emergency - which that was not - neither of us had the right to scream obscenities at one another, but were still obligated to treat each other with dignity and respect, even if we got excited and raised our voices.

Of course, he has no intention of getting professional help for body or mind.  Doesn't need it; can't afford it.

Although he is showing few signs of the explosive anger that used to frighten me back in the day, I'm not convinced it's gone. He cried over the Sandy Hook massacre, but I'm not entirely sure he won't "suicide by cop" someday, or decide to punish me for humiliating him via this blog, or when I begin dating again.  I don't expect it, I have no grounds to report him as an imminent threat to me or himself, but it wouldn't surprise me. Like the guy who just ambushed the firefighters in Webster, New York, my ex is not in his right mind, AND he has a cache of several weapons and plenty of ammo.  So, I will be careful, and continue to keep contact between us to the minimum, with no false promises or hints of reconciliation on my end.

I can and do pity the man, but the Hoover has lost all suction for me.

Standing The Critic in a Corner Reserving Safe Space for The Creator

Stand-Up Comedy
Follow the link to get your own copy

Is there anything better to do on a long road trip than tune in to some comedy?

I had this audiobook I've been trying to find the time to listen to.  I had 700 miles of Interstate 5 to burn, so I had the time.

So what does stand-up comedy possibly have to do with perfectionism gone wild?

In Chapter 6, one of the areas is how a joke can be expanded and vastly improved by using other points of view.  For somebody who is battling OCPD, these exercises in how to really imagine oneself into the skin of another person could be a great tool for developing empathy.

But it's Chapter 7 that I found most fascinating, for those with OCPD and those who love them.  It's about the rehearsal process.

Yes, boys and girls, comedians don't just leap onto the stage and start telling a bunch of jokes they've memorized.  They rehearse.  Jokes are performed, not simply regurgitated - and the way they are performed determined whether people laugh, or sit there, unamused.

Okay - so what does this have to do with Perfectionism?

Greg goes into wonderful detail breaking apart The Creator and The Critic. 

For example, while practicing his material, a comic may allow The Critic to interject a constant stream of negative comments through internal self-talk.  It usually goes like this:

Creator: This guys goes into a confessional.  He says to the minister...

Critic: That was terrible, it's not a minister, it's a priest.  What's wrong with you?  You're so stupid.  It's a priest.  Now, try it again.

Creator: This guy grows...

Critic: What the hell are you doing?  Take it from the top.

Creator: This guy goes into a confessional.

Critic: You didn't pay your bills today.  You're going to get late charges added on to them.  Why did you stop?  You idiot.  Do it again.

Sound familiar yet?

Greg has many wonderful suggestions on how to encourage The Creator, which is the lively, fun spirit that the audience wants to hear, and still save a place for The Critic, who will sharpen the performance and make it better.

Yes, The Critic is not simply a mean a$$hole, but somebody who is vital to the process for any creative person.

Part of the process is to rehearse with our body in two physically separate locations.  When it's The Creator's turn to let fly and rehearse, it happens in THIS room or spot - and The Critic isn't even permitted within eyesight of The Creator.

Then when it's time to fine-tune, we walk to a different room, or at least a different location in the room,  and then The Critic can offer suggestions, point out weaknesses, etc.  It sounds a little nutty, but by creating two different physical locations for two different mental activities, over time the brain truly does recognize what to do in spot A, and what to do in spot B.

The Critic is only allowed to talk/interrupt when s/he is in The Critic Space.  And that's where I think these concepts could be very helpful to those dealing with OCPD, who have a constant stream of negative comments running either inside their heads, or coming out of their mouths.

Again, The Critic is only allowed to say his piece when our body is physically is in his corner.  (Or whoever else we want to put him.)

The thing is, The Critic is a necessary part of the psyche.  The Critic is not the enemy (though sometimes she feels like it).  In The Creative Fire audio series, Clarissa Pinkola Estes also talks about visualizing The Critic, allowing him a space to be.  To even interview him and ask him what he is thinking.

We can't bury important parts of ourselves, like The Critic.  Some people will set as a goal, "I'm not going to be critical, ever again."  Really?

How's that working out for ya?  

It doesn't work, and often leads to The Critic breaking free and running amok.  What works is finding a role for him, and allowing him his rightful place, listening to him, but not letting him take over everything.

When with my OCPD ex, I tried to enforce a rule (to which he'd agreed) of no arguing allowed in the bedroom.  All arguments and nit-picking, like the cats, were to be left outside the threshold.  Mostly, I was successful, but occasionally he would break the rule.

Not having a safe refuge from The Critic in my old household was a big factor in me getting a new one.  Now I just have to learn to give my own, inner Critic the space to say what she needs me to hear, without letting her rule the roost.

What do you think about The Creator and The Critic?

Have you tried reserving a space for The Critic - and a safe place where she is banned?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 3 - Rising Above Perfectionism Perfectly Human & Overcoming the Fear of Embarrassment

This post continues with Rising Above Perfection: PERFECTLY HUMAN & OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT, from Chapter Three.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Rising Above Perfectionism

The ultimate irony - and tragedy of perfectionism is that it simply doesn't work.  It's supposed to earn you rave reviews and exempt you from criticism.  Instead it damages both your work and your relationships, and puts you under an unrelenting pressure.  If you've concluded that your perfectionism is hurting you, you can make changes.

PERFECTLY HUMAN

Part of the Perfectionist's Credo is the notion that other people won't like you as well if you make a mistake, or you don't know things, or you allow your faults to show through.  In fact, the opposite is true.  Your need to be right all the time often repels friends and associates.

Nobody will ever feel empathy for you, love you, or enjoy being close to you simply because you are right or because you hardly ever make mistakes.  <snip>

And the next time you're wrong about something, just admit it.  Don't explain why you made the mistake.  Don't show how anyone would have made that mistake under the circumstances.  Don't insist that your answer actually was correct but was misunderstood.

Just confess, "I was wrong about that."  Then start counting the people who shrink away from you. I'm exaggerating, of course.  But when you start letting your fallibility show, when you let go of your need to know everything and to show how smart you are, you'll feel a burden being lifted.  You'll feel more relaxed.  It will be easier to smile.  You'll be free!  And these changes will occur the very first time you suppress your perfectionistic need to be infallible.

OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT

If you find yourself shrinking from certain activities because you dread being embarrassed, ask yourself two questions: Are your social fears and inhibitions preventing you from reaching your full potential or enjoying life?  And are you willing to endure a certain amount of anxiety to overcome the problem?

<snip> For example, if you dread giving oral presentations, start by asking questions as an audience member.  Don't wait until you have something brilliant to say.  Say anything.  <snip>

Follow the same gradual approach in other frightening situations.  Take classes that force you to perform in front of others.  Join walking groups,  Give parties.  Tell yourself that it won't be awful if your nervousness shows, or if you make a silly blunder.  When these things do happen, and they will, refuse to allow yourself to feel humiliated.  Concentrate on the fact that these missteps make you more attractive, not less so.  You come through as a genuine, vulnerable human being.  People can connect with you.

***

I wanted to show the karaoke clip from My Best Friend's wedding, but all the ones that had been posted online have been removed, per Sony.  If you've seen it, forgive me for the short explanation.

Julianne (portrayed by Julia Roberts) has decided to recapture the love of her best friend, who's engaged to marry Kimmy (Cameron Diaz).  She finds out that Kimmy, who has a terrible singing voice, also has a horrible fear of singing in public and exposing this.  So Julianne maneuvers the group to a karaoke place and pressures Kimmy to get onstage and sing, figuring that either a terrible performance, or an emotional meltdown will destroy Michael's (Dermot Mulroney) respect and admiration for this girl.

Kimmy is, in fact, woefully bad.  Bring-on-the-howling-dogs bad.  But Julianne's plan backfires, because Michael (Dermot Mulroney) finds Kimberly's courage and willingness to look bad in front of a crowded room just one more reason to love her.

Okay, this is Hollywood.  And I'm not suggesting that all the bad singers out there (you know who you are!) start crowding karaoke bars.  (Please don't!)  But I can testify that similar things have happened in my own life.  Whenever I have gone out on a limb in some way, I get more admiration and approval than if I'd just hung back and taken the safe route.  

Take writing.  Besides this blog, I've completed a couple of novels, and am working on another one.  I sent umpteen queries (70+) and pages before getting an agent.  (And I've gotten dozens more rejections via said agent, but still.)  I plan to be, I expect to be, a published writer in the not too distant future.  But even if that never happens, I know I'm a lot further along that goal than somebody who writes and secretes her writing in a box on the closet shelf, even if she's twenty times better a writer than I am.  Because I was willing to take that chance.

You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
~Wayne Gretzky

I'm also trying to tone down my own tendency towards Know-It-All-Ism.  Yes, I'm a fairly intelligent woman, and I've learned a lot at the School of Hard Knocks.  There's still more that I don't know, than I do.  Maybe I can win some respect, and admiration for being a Know-It-All, but love?  Close connection with other flawed human beings?  Not happening.

Nobody will ever feel empathy for you, love you, or enjoy being close to you simply because you are right or because you hardly ever make mistakes.  That phrase should be embroidered on a pillow or perhaps tattooed on my forehead, backwards, so I can see it every morning when I look in the mirror.

So many times I watched my OCPD ex launch into Know-It-All mode and begin lecturing our friends and family, seeing their eyes glaze over, seeing him ignore all their efforts to change the subjects.    My heart would ache, because I could see how very badly he wanted the admiration and approval of others - and how what he was doing had the exact opposite effect.  I felt horribly embarrassed and sad for him.  (Which, of course, is textbook co-dependence on my part - I should not have "imported" embarrassment or sadness on behalf of another person.  I'm workin' on it.)

There's only one Mr. Know-It-All people really appreciate.



Let me recommend, if you're a perfectionist yourself, another way of fighting your lions.

Have you ever gone out on a limb, and been glad you did?  

Please share, in the comments, below.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chapt 3 Not So Perfect Relationships Social Inhibititions & Being Right

This post continues with Not So Perfect Relationships, from Chapter Three.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts. 

Not So Perfect Relationships

The most serious effects of perfectionism can be seen in personal relationships.  Such problems spring from

• the fear of having other people see one's flaws
• the need to be right about everything
• a constantly critical attitude

SOCIAL INHIBITIONS
Let's look first at the fear of letting other people see one's shortcomings.  This fear is responsible for a variety of social inhibitions that can range in intensity from slight apprehension to full blown terror, complete with pounding heartbeat, weakness, upset stomach, and other symptoms.

<snip> While the form of the specific fear may vary widely, most socially inhibited people harbor distorted fears of being noticed and having their flaws exposed.  The vast majority feel themselves to be under scrutiny much more than is the case, and they believe that others will reject them or will respect them less if any slips or imperfections show through.  <snip>

BEING RIGHT - AT ALL COSTS
A different way in which perfectionism can damage personal relationships stems from the perfectionistic need to be right -about everything.  Errors are anathema to the perfectionist, but everyone is wrong sometimes.  (After all, perfectionism is a myth.  Human existence cannot be mistake-free.)  Lots of obsessives will admit in abstract terms that they make mistakes.  Being able to recognize one's shortcomings is, after all, part of being "the perfect person."  However, perfectionistic obsessives tend to avoid owning up to specific errors, particular in important matters, and this often alienates other people.

It's simply unpleasant to be around someone who always has to show he was right.  <snip>

Perfectionists often try to talk their errors away.  In a discussion, they gently hammer away at their opponents' position until the others back down, if just from fatigue.  Or they will explain how their position was misunderstood.  They nimbly dodge admitting their own culpability.

Should a mistake be absolutely undeniable, they may still have trouble calmly acknowledging their error.  Often they will become defensive, tossing off so many buts, howevers, and other qualifications that their listeners can barely hear the admission within the verbal thicket.  Even in admitting error, perfectionists seem to be saying they they were... semi-right.  Somehow they make it seem that, given the circumstances, being slightly in error was the most intelligent position to have taken.  Throughout, they fail to notice how repelled others can be by this stubborn pretense at infallibility.

<snip>perfectionistic obsessives may even try to convince a hurt or angry friend that his feelings are inappropriate or "wrong."  <snip>  One person will blurt out to the other, "You shouldn't feel that way!"  In each case the obsessive may be surprised when the other person feels alienated still further after being proved "wrong" for feeling a certain way.  The obsessive fails to see the damage done by trying to transform a sharing of feelings into a debate: all too often it pushes the other person into keeping future complaints to himself while smoldering under the surface.  <snip>

***

When I was in my teens, and early twenties, when buying feminine hygiene products at the grocery store I would seek out a female cashier and bagger.  It was simply too humiliating to have a man handle such intimate items, because if they did, they would know that I used them.  They might even think I was menstruating right at that very moment.  The horror!

Well.  I got over it.  I realized that even the male cashiers and baggers handled such items dozens of  times a day, and gave it no more thought than if I was buying tomatoes or shampoo.  They.  Couldn't.  Care.  Less.  If they were thinking about anything while handling my purchases, it was probably about what time they got off work, or how they were going to spend their paycheck, or that cute girl (or guy) that just got hired.

Somehow, those with OCPD are stuck into "they're all thinking about me, they're all looking at me" mode, which becomes self-fulfilling.  If you feel particularly self-conscious and act that way, people will look at you more.  I'm not sure if it's egotism, or immaturity, but mostly, just as in my tampon example, above, we all need to realize that people care a lot more about their own affairs than about us.

I think everybody, perfectionist or not, tends to be at least somewhat defensive about making mistakes.  I don't like finding that I've made a mistake, but I've learned to accept that I do.  I even call attention to my mistakes at work.  "I forgot to do X, I filled out this form the wrong way; I missed picking up the message; now here's how I suggest correcting it."  I work at devising systems, for myself and others in my department, not that prevent mistakes from being made, but that will detect them quickly. My bosses appreciate that I'm more focused on making things work, than trying to deflect blame or Covering My A$$.

Ex was the dinner-preparer, and on rare occasion, he would over or undercook something.  He did learn to joke about that (somewhat), but his attitude towards most mistakes was defending the pass at Thermopylae (think The 300).  Nothing was going to get through or be admitted without a long and bitter battle.

shirt available from Spreadshirt.com

As noted above, that kind of stance is highly detrimental to a relationship.  I experienced all of the defensive tactics noted above: the wall of argument, the admission buried in a pile of qualifications, being told my feelings were wrong, being told I shouldn't feel what I felt...  It's emotionally exhausting, and it erodes trust. 

I had one friend who was actually (somewhat) supportive of our relationship, and who was liked by the ex and welcome in our home ( a very short list), until... she offended him (in his eyes.)  She and I had gone out somewhere, it was a hot summer day, and when she dropped me off, she got out of the car to greet him.  She was a very fastidious person, and he'd been working outside, with no shirt on.  He wanted to hug her hello/goodbye, in all his sweaty glory.  She insisted on shaking hands, instead, which I believe wounded his vanity tremendously.  He couldn't forgive her for the "insult," and nothing I could say would convince him otherwise.

From then on, she was a horrible snob, no longer welcome in our home, and I met bitter resistance to going out to do girly things with her (which was perhaps every other month.)  If I even mentioned her name, I met with petty complaints and ugliness, which encouraged me to keep my feelings to myself.  There was an ever-growing list of Unmentionables.  I don't think he ever sat down and thought about how that kind of behavior did not bring us closer together, but drove us apart.  He would pay lip service to "better communication" being essential to our relationship, he would even bring it up, but how can you communicate with someone who can't accept your feelings or admit being wrong?

Have you lived through the Debate that Wouldn't Die?

Are you more likely to find a winning lottery ticket on the sidewalk 

than have your Perfectionist admit having made a mistake?

Tell about it in the comments.

Trigger Me This

Roy Rogers & Trigger

When you hear the word "trigger," do you think of this beautiful palomino who was originally named Golden Cloud?  I do - much of the time.


Trigger the horse, star of movies and TV, was probably before your time (and mine), but had a brilliant career.  He even had his own comic book, and was  said to have 150 trick cues.

From Dictionary.com
Then there's this kind of trigger:

a small projecting tongue in a firearm that, when pressed by the finger, actuates the mechanism that discharges the weapon.

 Bang!

But it's the other kind of trigger I'm lately seeing all over the place: 

anything, as an act or event, that serves as a stimulus and initiates or precipitates a reaction or series of reactions.

I know that ragweed or pollen can trigger an asthma attack.  That a cellphone can be used to trigger a bomb.  Odors, for me, can trigger childhood memories (musty raincoat or Lemon Pledge), help me feel happy and relaxed (vanilla or lavender,) even turn me on (sexy man-scent).

Right now, I see more than ever that words, or certain subject material can trigger an emotional reaction.

This is nothing new.  The "n" word, "bastard," the "c" word, "Your Mama!" and other terms have long been used as "fightin' words," precisely because they trigger an emotional response.

What's new is some of the subject matter that is considered triggering.  Discussions of food, diet, and  photographs of too-thin women can be triggering for those with eating disorders.  Talk of funerals or illness may be triggering to someone who's just lost a loved one - or someone who's lost a loved one, ever.  A trailer for a romantic comedy may trigger tears in somebody who just split with their boyfriend or girlfriend.

In a way, I find this all very irritating, and in another way, very healthy.  Rather than either ignoring triggering events (while seething or hurting inside), or challenging someone to a fight, we are admitting we are hurt.  Perhaps we're speaking up politely but firmly, "Could we not talk about diets, please?"  Or, "I don't like it when you use that word, I find it offensive."

On the other hand, I feel like if I'm an "evolved person," there is some kind of expectation to speak in political and emotional correctese.  To not say anything, ever, that might possibly offend anybody.

Not gonna happen - at least from me.  I expect to keep pissing people off - not deliberately or maliciously, but either by accident or in some cases, because I believe an idea is worth discussing, even fighting for.  Even if the discussion may make some a little uncomfortable.

On another site, I used the "n" word, once, in a discussion of whether or not words like slut or (that word) can be reclaimed.  Most readers found it to be a good, thought-provoking discussion, and my own conclusion was that the word should not be used by anybody.  One person was triggered, although she herself also said the discussion was reflective and thoughtful.  On another site, there was discussion about the word "manipulation," which is under consideration by the DSM-5 committee as part of the diagnostic criterion for OCPD.

You might have thought the word was pederasty, instead, and a vigorous debate ensued.

Even though it's uncomfortable, I think we all have to try walking that fine line.  Not deliberately seeking to trigger people at their weakest points, but at the same time, continue to be willing to think about and talk about subjects and words that might not feel 100% comfortable, because otherwise we'll never be able to heal those places.


And on that note... have a wonderful weekend.  Hope all your triggers are happy ones.

What are your trigger words or situations (if you feel safe enough to share)?

What triggers have you noticed in others?

Walking A Mile in Their Moccasins - Developing Empathy

Photo by Paul Martin Eldridge
at FreeDigitalPhotos

One of the most painful aspects in my relationship with my ex was his expectation that I did - or should - see the world through his eyes.  At best, he would act hurt; at worst, he would be in a towering rage if  I didn't enjoy the foods he liked, appreciate the same TV shows and movies, have the same views on politics, religion, housecleaning... the list went on and on.

The problem wasn't that we never saw eye to eye on anything.  We had many likes and beliefs in common.  It wasn't that I couldn't see and understand his point of view in areas where we differed, because I could and did.  It was that I (stubbornly, to his point of view) refused to be him.  He was unable to understand and appreciate that I was a separate person with different ideas, thoughts, and feelings, which were as equally valid and logical as his own. 

It seemed as surprisingly outrageous for me to express a different opinion as if his own hand had turned around and said, "Hey You!  From now on, I'm not gonna zip up your pants or press buttons on the remote anymore.  I've decided to go into archaeology.  See ya!"

from rebeccaselah at Flickr

Even if I was standing in front of him, telling him, "Here's how I feel, and here's why I think I feel that way," he couldn't put himself into my moccasins, as the old saying goes, and understand what I felt.  He could only go as far as to imagine how he would feel in such a situation.  It was like he expected me to walk in his moccasins, rather than him attempting to walk a mile in mine.

He lacked empathy.

Too often when we talked, he would launch into OCPD in rant/lecture/rambling mode, in which I did not even get an opportunity to speak.  (After all, if you're not really a separate person, what do you possibly have to say?)

Possibly he didn't mean to devalue me as a person, or to ignore my feelings or experiences.  However, whether he meant to or not, that's what his actions did.  To be treated as a non-person - OCPD or non, adult or child - as if one does not have (or is not entitled to have) separate thoughts, dreams, likes and dislikes, and feelings, is one of the most painful and dehumanizing experiences possible.  (And one that many with OCPD themselves experienced as children at the hands of a possibly OCPD parent.)

These and similar behaviors have been related time and again, not only by many partners and children of those with OCPD, but also by those who struggle with a loved one with  Asperger's Syndrome or autism.

Part of the problem seemed to be lack of listening, and part of it seemed to be not hearing.  Human beings communicate not just verbally, but with facial expressions, body language, gestures, tone, even odor (fear-stink, ovulating pheromones, etc.).  Even if one hears and processes every single word (which my ex did not), there's still a whole lot of information that gets missed, if the facial expressions and body language are either skipped or misinterpreted.

Does OCPD perhaps fall under the umbrella of SEPD - Socio-Emotional Processing Disorder?

...people with SEPD may have normal or even superior verbal skills, yet may still have a lot of trouble with social communication. Conversations may often be one sided. The person with SEPD may carry on a monologue on a favorite subject and not be aware of attempts of his/her listener to interject comments. At the same time, they most likely do not recognize the frustration or other emotional response their listener is showing. Consequently, it is difficult for them to develop emotional relationships, friendships, and even normal interactions with coworkers. 

Is the empathy center (if there is such a thing) which comes naturally to most people missing?  Or perhaps present, but underdeveloped or damaged?   Recent research points to drug abusers also having difficulty recognizing emotion from facial expressions.


How Do We "Grow" Empathy?

from Salvatore Vuono
at FreeDigitalPhotos

First, make sure we always allow our conversational partner adequate time to speak.  If we know we tend to monopolize a conversation, use an egg-timer, a stopwatch, or allow our partner to do so, but don't allow ourselves to run on for more than 2-3 minutes at a stretch.  FYI, allowing someone time to speak means giving them time to say more than Uh-huh, You're right, or Okay.  They are even allowed to change the subject!

Ask, don't tell others how they feel.  Listen without judgment.   Instead of "I can't believe you don't love my chile rellenos.  I think you do and just don't want to admit it," try "Thanks for trying them.  What was it about them that you didn't care for?"

Try not to take things personally.  I didn't like my ex's chile rellenos.  That doesn't mean I didn't like him, as a person, nor that I didn't truly appreciate all the time and energy that went into preparing them. (Goodness knows, I would lavish compliments and thanks on him for every meal he prepared.)  I'm a supertaster; I don't like spicy food, I have never liked anybody's chile rellenos.  My ex seemed to take every difference of opinion as a personal criticism of him, and be crushed by it.

Our spouses, our parents, our children, our boss, our dog - nobody is ever going to love every single thing we do and say.  We need to find a way to be okay with that, and to not plunge into fear/panic mode if somebody expresses disapproval or dislike of one thing we have done or said.

Ask follow-up questions, without passing judgment.  "I'd never have picked Animal House as one of the best movies ever made, but am curious as to why you think so.  Tell me more."

Ask open-ended questions.  "I'm trying to do a better job of listening to you.  Is there something else I can do that I'm not doing?"

Go for the five-to-one rule.  For every single criticism or negative remark, try to find and say at least five things about the person that we like, admire, or respect.

eHow thinks we can even build up our skills at reading facial expressions.

Read as much fiction as possible, to stretch our imaginations and to glimpse inside other people's minds and motivations.  Consider empathy and imagination not as some ethereal gift - we're born with X much and that's all, folks! - but as flabby muscles, which can be exercised and built up.

From Azar Nafisi's Reading Lolita in Tehran  (bolding is mine):

"...This carelessness, a lack of empathy, appears in Jane Austen's negative characters: in Lady Catherine, in Mr.s Morris, in Mr. Collins or the Crawfords.  The theme recurs in Henry James's stories and Nabokov's monster heroes: Humbert, Kinbote, Van and Ada Veen.  Imagination in these works is equated with empathy; we can't experience all that others have gone through, but we can understand even the most monstrous individuals in works of fiction.  A good novel is one that shows the complexity of individuals, and creates enough space for all these characters to have a voice; in this way a novel is called democratic - not that it advocates democracy, but that by nature it is so.  Empathy lies at the heart of Gatsby, like so many other great novels - the biggest sin is to be blind to others' problems and pains.  Not seeing them means denying their existence."

We all want people to "see the real me."  The only way people can see us, and we see them, is through empathy.



One caveat - for those who tend to err on the side of co-dependence, rather than not enough empathy, it's important not to dive too deeply into the pool of feeling for and understanding others.  We need to reserve a healthy amount of time and energy for ourselves.

Got an empathy story?

Going Off Script

From The Oatmeal's Why I'd Rather
Get Punched in the Testicles
Than Call Customer Service

So I got a new computer.  Joy! 

Except that there were the inevitable bobbles, for which I had to contact.... Customer Service.  <you can cue the Jaws theme music here.>

When I moved away from OCPD ex b-f in June, I switched from DSL internet connection to cable, and due to who knows why, my ISP had to assign me a new username and passcode for my new connection.  I should have written it down, but I had a lot on my mind then, and anyway, I'd picked an easy name and passcode, because I knew I would remember it...

You knew I wouldn't, right?

So I decided that, instead of calling in to my ISP helpline, and trying to verbally communicate with "Muffy" and "Jeff" and "Ashleigh," whose thick Indian accents have almost driven me to eating my own head in the past, I would try to resolve it via chat on my work 'puter during my morning break.  I got "Rocky" and "Juliet," instead.

I'm not unsympathetic to Rocky and Juliet.  (Or even Muffy and Jeff.)  They work long hours, don't earn a lot of money, and are working in an unfamiliar language.  Plus, many of the people they're trying to help are idiots.  (I might even count myself as one of those idiots.)  I'm sure I would do much worse as a Customer Service Rep if I was trying to communicate in their language.  I don't want to be nasty to Rocky & Juliet.

I just wish communications felt a little less like Rocky & Bullwinkle.

So I'm typing away, but Rocky is intent on going through the full script.  He's not listening to what I'm saying (or in this case, typing.)

ME: Hi, I have a new home computer, I need to find out my online log-in name for my cable connection, so that I can log in.

ROCKY: Congratulations on your new computer.  We can certainly help you with this.  For help with your cable connection, you will have to contact your local cable company.

ME: There's nothing wrong with my cable, it was working fine with my old computer.  I just need the username, which I forgot, so that I can get online with the new computer.

ROCKY: Are you chatting from your new computer?

ME <taking a deep breath>: NO, I can't get online from my new computer.  I need the username which logs me onto the cable connection.

ROCKY: Let me direct you to the site which gives you the steps to get online.

ME: Thank you, see that first step?  Login with your username.  You guys set me up with a new username in June, but I don't remember what it is.  I just need the username for the account, and possibly a password reset.

ROCKY: Are you online from your new computer now?

ME: No, I CAN'T GET ONLINE FROM MY NEW COMPUTER.  Look, just give me the CS to call, I'll call later from home.  (Meanwhile, I have scrolled through My Account and finally located the mystery username - it's my usual username, plus the number 1.  Genius!)

I get off chat with Rocky, try fruitlessly to log in or reset the passcodes myself to that username e-mail account, and eventually "Juliet" does a passcode reset for me.  When I get home later that evening, voila!  All better.

But this reminded me soooo much of a discussion on one of my "boards" about those with OCPD and their scripts.  Sometimes it feels like we are trying to have a discussion, and the other person isn't so much listening and responding to us, but stuck in a groove.  Like they're onstage, and are trying to feed us a cue.  And they're going to keep tossing it to us, regardless of what we say back to them. 

Which leads to fights and bad feelings all around.

Some OCPDrs themselves have described this seeking for the "right" answer, the right response.  They may not know exactly what they wanted to hear back, but they knew they weren't getting it, so they felt obligated to press on, until they heard - whatever it was - that they needed to hear.  This was unlikely, depending on how long the interaction had gone on, to be a true reflection of their partner's feeling or thoughts, but it was the right answer.

Here's what one frustrated partner joked:

I have told my DW rather than having a pointless discussion she should prepare a script in advance. She'd give me a copy. She'd read her lines. I'd read my lines. I'd know when I'm allowed to speak and when I'm not. She'd hear exactly what she wants to hear. We could even use the same scripts over and over. I'd know when it was going to end. We could both be happy.

Has this ever happened to you?

Frequently, I would begin speaking. DW would anticipate that I was about to say X. She would cut me off and start responding to X. I would tell her I was not going to say X; I was going to say Y. She would then insist that I was lying. We would then get into a ridiculous argument about what I would have said had she not interrupted.

I have been there, done that.  And <hanging my head in shame> have done my share of interrupting others as well, though I've never gotten into arguments about what somebody else would have said.

Maybe we need to take a bit of advice from Patsy.


So how does one deal with someone who won't "Stop, look and listen"?

One tactic is to walk away and start ignoring the person.  They'll ask why.  Answer: "It seemed you were not interested in a conversation, but a monologue.  Since my participation is not required, I thought I'd keep myself occupied while you finished up."  (It's important if you take this approach, to keep your tone neutral and pleasant - no heavy sarcasm in your tone, please.)

Another is to yell at them to Quit Interrupting!

Another is to simply not answer at all, unless asked why.  Then give the same answer (my participation seemed unnecessary.)

You can buy your own sock monkey puppet at
Colonial Candle

I thought about trying a sock puppet, myself.  Talk to the monkey!

Theoretically, you could talk to the Rambler during a moment of lucidity, like I did, and say, "You know, sometimes one of us might be talking, maybe when we've had a bit too much to drink, or are really excited about something, and we kind of talk right over the other person, and don't listen very well.  How about we agree on a signal so the other person realizes they're doing it?  A code word, holding up a hand or something...?" 

I thought, by making it neutral, by saying this is something we both do, something we both should be allowed to halt, that he would agree.  And he did.

Agree, that is.

In practice... it didn't work so well.  Often his mouth was like the Aerosmith song, "Train keep a-rollin', all night long."  But not in a good way.

I don't think there is any one approach that will work with everyone, all the time, because we are all individuals, and so are the people who, uhmmm, have their scripts.

For myself, I'm going to try to work on the bad habit of interrupting others in my own conversations.  To be aware that if what I have to say is that important, the opportunity to say it will arise again, and if it doesn't... maybe what I had to say wasn't that important, after all.

To realize that every moment does not have to be filled with noise, to babble words just for the sake of filling the empty pauses.  Silences are meaningful, and often, beautiful and essential parts of listening.

To breathe more.  To smile more.  To hold up a hand or walk away if others interrupt me.

What are you going to do to improve the quality of your conversations?

Leave a comment, below.