Bud Clayman vs. Bradley Cooper

Bradley Cooper is, to conventional wisdom, HAWT. Yet another BC, once upon a time, was also HAWT.

Here's Bradley Cooper depicting Pat, from Silver Linings Playbook, with Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence and an all-star cast:

And here's Bud Clayman in OC87: The Obsessive Compulsive, Major Depression, Bipolar, Asperger's Movie

What's the difference, besides Bradley Cooper being an actor who can quickly move on to The Hangover, Part Eleventy-Seven, or the next Hollywood flick?

Not so very much. As I discovered when my friend Sidney Patrick and I caught a showing of OC 87 on my birthday last June, BC (Bud Clayman) was sexy, charming, and smart... before mental illness tackled him.

There is no vaccine against mental illness.

Cover of Catherine Zeta-Jones

It happens to smokin' hot men and sexy girls. (Charlie Sheen and Catherine Zeta-Jones, anyone?)

It is not nearly as glamorous in real life as in the Hollywood version.

Drugs have real side effects, like weight gain and sleepiness, which is why many mentally ill people resist or refuse to take them. They also have real co$t$, which is why some people who would take them, if they could only afford then, aren't on their meds, or are taking half the recommended dosage.


I was blown away by the lineup of pill bottles prescribed to Bud Clayman, to keep him approaching normalcy.

via OC87

And yet, I have to applaud Bud's courage in fighting his way back to sanity. It takes a hella lot more courage to swallow the pills, than to not swallow them.

Wheelchair Warriors Are Our Heroes. The Mentally Disabled? Not so  much.

Except in Hollywood. Hollywood loves the Drama of Mental Illness. But it generally glosses over the ugly dangly bits. Casts glamorous actors and actresses in the parts of the mentally ill, and almost never allows them to get fat, too dirty, or otherwise unphotogenic.

Cover of Girl, Interrupted

Maybe you've seen some of these:

• Psycho
• Sybil
• A Beautiful Mind
• Girl, Interrupted
• Rainman
• The Fisher King
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• Black Swan
• Matchstick Men
• The Aviator
• Fatal Attraction
• Lars and the Real Girl

There are hundreds more.

IRL (In Real Life), the people struggling with mental illness or developmental disabilities, like autism, can't call "cut" at the end of the scene and go back to "being normal."

I very much enjoyed Silver Linings Playbooks, which I caught on my friend Sid's birthday weekend. Sadly, unlike OC87 which she and I watched together on my birthday weekend, I had to see Silver Linings without her, because only a few months after OC87, the long term effects of living with a mentally disordered partner, and alcoholism, had taken Sid's life.

I encourage you to buy, rent, or stream, the much lesser known documentary OC87.

And support mental health issues. Via contributions to NAMI, and encouragement to your government representatives to provide funding and research grants for mental health issues.

Today, you may be one of the few lucky ones, with no family members or loved ones affected. Tomorrow?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Your thoughts?

 Related articles

• Oscar-Winner Jennifer Lawrence Speaks Up for Mental Health (psychcentral.com)
• Bradley Cooper Joins Effort to Find 'Silver Lining' in Mental Health Future (pbs.org)

Growing Up Hoarded, Part 2: Thalia of Tetanus Burger Shares Some Thoughts

"Before" garage picture via Tetanus Burger.  Used by permission

What would you do if you inherited not simply a houseful of hoard, but an entire junkyard?  (To read Part 1, click here.)


Thalia and her sister Tara have been blogging about their experiences cleaning up their father's junkyard - and garages - and work areas - since June 2010.

"After" garage picture via Tetanus Burger.  Used by permission.

The shows you may see on TV focus mainly on two things: a kind of train wreck fascination with the visual scope of the (worst) hoards covered, and the anguish the hoarder endures trying to give up any little piece of his/her "treasure."


What is rarely touched upon is what growing up in a hoard does to the children.  How does it impact them socially?  Do they inherit the distorted thinking that "there's a use for that," for everything?  Are they angry, hurt, confused?


Thalia of Tetanus Burger, for whom I hold more admiration for her courage and raw honesty than I can ever express in words, agreed to this e-interview in hopes of shedding a little more light on this issue.  To help those children and teenagers who are even now living with a hoarding parent, and wondering if something is wrong with them.

***

4) Let’s talk about OCPD, the need to control not only oneself, but one’s entire environment and inner circle of family. I’ve blogged here before about being lectured by my ex because I left the shower doors six inches from the wall to air out after a shower, and they were supposed to be eight. (Or was it the other way around, lol?) You’ve posted about some of the things your father did to control your household, like post a sign on the wall directing how you should do laundry. But it wasn’t just signs, I’m sure. What happened around your house if the rules were broken?

I don't honestly know how to answer that.  We weren't punished, not overtly anyway; they didn't spank us (except when we were really young), or even ground us (and in high school I was out sometimes till four in the morning on a school night).  I'm not sure what the hold my father had on us was.  It was just the way things were done.

When I was a kid and reading fairy tales I remember once in a while coming across one that was new to me, which had rules that contradicted what other fairy tales' rules were.  I remember almost freaking out at that—how was I supposed to know what to do if the rules were different?  I couldn't see the underlying patterns behind them, which I can now, things like be kind and compassionate, help the unfortunate, be true to your voice.  It was just all about the rules.  And I don't even remember most of those rules, so I can't even tell you what they were.

That's the thing about growing up with a lot of invalidation; your memory is both damaged and discounted from within.  So I can't answer that, except to say that my father sure yelled a lot, and would always scream about how he paid for whatever it was and how that gave him control.  So I guess the underlying threat was that he wasn't going to pay for it, and then what?  We'd starve even more?  Freeze even more in the winter?  Be even more miserable? 

When I was a child—a child—I had recurring dreams about living in a totalitarian dictatorship, usually under the Nazis, who were always watching everything I did.  The only thing I could think to do in those dreams was to hide, which is I guess pretty much what I did in real life too.  What kid dreams of Nazis?  I remember seeing, not too long ago, a tv movie on the Warsaw ghetto, and one of the characters, a Jewish woman, was out doing something against the rules, something to do with the freedom fighters.  She was walking out on the street trying to look like she wasn't doing anything 'bad' with Nazis all around just looking for an excuse to harass her or worse.  I recognized the look on her face as one I must have worn most of my childhood.

My father's need for control was so ubiquitous I couldn't even see it.  Still can't.  There is a thread on the Television Without Pity forum discussing the Hoarders TV show; here and there they mention Tetanus Burger and I read it having Googled my way there.  It is astonishing to me that they talk about my father there a little and call him an absolute control freak, just a miserable asshole.  It is good to hear, but in so many ways I still can't see it myself.

5) Currently, many hoarding sites primarily reference OCD as associated with hoarding, not OCPD, and there is talk that the new DSM-5 will put hoarding in its own separate category. You’ve written that you believe your father to have OCPD, and there is overwhelming evidence that he hoarded. I believe my ex to be an OCPDr who hoards also, regardless of whether “they” decide they’re interwoven together, or two separate disorders. What has been your experience and thought process in learning about your father’s mental disorder(s)?

My father absolutely and without question was a hoarder; the overwhelming evidence is that he had OCPD (as diagnosed-by-proxy by two separate therapists of mine now).  It is not, really, about belief at this stage, or that maybe I'm wrong.  Because I'm not.  And honestly, in downplaying my experience and what I have concluded about it, I hear you downplaying your own.  You may want to think about that; I have noticed you have a tendency to side or sympathize with the abuser, usually in the guise of needing to be fair to them too (which is crap) which is why I am being so picky about the way you worded that.

I don't know where the OCD thing came from; cynical me says that it's a lot easier to get sympathy for someone with OCD than it is for someone with a personality disorder (which, don't forget, also includes sociopathy and narcissism) and so that's how people like Frost and Steketee have framed it.  I don't personally buy the OCD angle all that much.  Because OCD is something the person is aware of, and the person with it usually sees it as not quite right and so they actually want to do something about it.

Whereas so many hoarders, from my own experience and what I have heard hanging out with other children of hoarders, see nothing whatsoever wrong with their behavior, or if they do (for example if they are ashamed of it or try to hide it somewhat, which implies that they do know something isn't quite right) they seem to have no concept whatsoever that what they are doing is harming others. 

I do think that hoarding is one of those things that probably has a lot of different causes, OCPD being one of them (and there also seems to be an awful lot of narcissism involved from what I've seen); but I do think OCPD in relation to hoarding is very overlooked.  But then there are only a couple of 'experts' on hoarding and I can't say I'm very impressed with them. 

My experience and thought process?  Describing my father to that first therapist, she did put it together that it sure sounded like OCPD; but at the time I didn't really understand what that meant.  It's only recently, really, which means, since my father has not been here, in my face, in my life, that I can see a little more clearly, and so I have been able to start putting things together and researching a bit about OCPD and other personality disorders. 

6) Your elderly father is now mentally incapacitated, which has allowed you and Tara to begin this massive clean-up effort. Your mother still lives in your childhood home, as does your sister. I imagine your feelings about your parents must be mixed. Care to share about them, or not?

Kittens via Tetanus Burger.  Used by permission.

Actually no Tara does not live here in the childhood home; it's myself and my mother (and an awful lot of kittens right now).  I will say that, yes, definitely, my feelings towards my mother are mixed (about my father they are not particularly 'mixed' at all; he was a bastard).

My mother certainly has some issues of her own which are not minor and which I am only able to see now that my father's blindingly obvious dysfunction is no longer outshining everything else.

I always thought my mother fought for us and that she was not an enabler, as they say; but now I don't know.  I don't want to get into it much more than that, though it has certainly been very much on my mind recently and is perhaps the most present bit of dysfunction I have to deal with. 

(to be continued...)

***

I do soft-pedal the amateur diagnosis, on our parts, of OCPD for our loved ones, having had it drummed into me that only mental health professionals can properly diagnose mental disorders (and sometimes even they get it wrong).

Guilty as charged as to being mealy-mouthed in this question, and yes, to being sympathetic to those with OCPD.  Having come to know a fair number of people with OCPD in the last few years, as well as their partners and children, I know that people with OCPD are sick, not monsters.

Does that in any way minimize the damage they inflict on spouses, love interests, children, and co-workers?  Hell no!  In fact, (as Thalia has pointed out to me), too sympathetic an attitude can enable this disease, making it worse not just for those who live with an OCPDisordered person, but for the person with OCPD, him/herself.

Yet, my goal here on this blog is to not only learn to heal, personally, but to help others who are also recovering, and not to demonize people with OCPD, but the illness itself.  I would love, someday, for OCPD to be known as well as Bi-Polar Disorder, Schizophrenia, and the "sexier" mental disorders that get all the press, and for the people who have it to get the help they need.

That said, I do not want to discount in any way Thalia's experience, or the experience of anyone else growing up with an OCPD parent, or who spent years with an OCPD partner.  There is damage and pain that will take years to heal - if it ever does.


Two things you can do right now, Dear Reader:


1) Add a comment to show your support for Thalia and her incredible courage in opening up about this very painful and difficult subject.


2) Download this attached .pdf prepared by Children of Hoarders.  It would be great if COH was a big, well-known organization with bucketfuls of money, who could afford to print out multiple copies and leave them in places like schools, pediatricians' offices, and youth recreational facilities - anywhere a child of a hoarder might find one, and realize s/he is not alone.

For now, they are asking for volunteers, to please print out what copies you can afford, distribute them where you can.  Visit the COH site and make a donation, if you can.  And pass the word.

Thank you.  Stay tuned for Part 3, tomorrow.  (For Part 1, click here.)

Growing Up Hoarded, Part 1: Thalia from Tetanus Burger Shares Some Thoughts

"Before" Photo via Tetanus Burger - used by permission

What would you do if you inherited not simply a houseful of hoard, but an entire junkyard?

Thalia and her sister Tara have been blogging about their experiences cleaning up their father's junkyard - and garages - and work areas - since June 2010.

The shows you may see on TV focus mainly on two things: a kind of train wreck fascination with the visual scope of the (worst) hoards covered, and the anguish the hoarder endures trying to give up any little piece of his/her "treasure."

What is rarely touched upon is what growing up in a hoard does to the children.  How does it impact them socially?  Do they inherit the distorted thinking that "there's a use for that," for everything?  Are they angry, hurt, confused?

"After" Photo via Tetanus Burger - used by permission

Thalia of Tetanus Burger, for whom I hold more admiration for her courage and raw honesty than I can ever express in words, agreed to this e-interview in hopes of shedding a little more light on this issue.  To help those children and teenagers who are even now living with a hoarding parent, and wondering if something is wrong with them.

***

1) How old were you and your sister Tara when you realized other kids didn’t live the way your family did? How did it make you feel? Were you still able to have friends over, or did the hoard make it impossible?

I don't know how old I was, and I can't speak for Tara.  I think in some ways I'm only just realizing my family was 'different' now.  I didn't have many friends when I was a kid, and only one really who ever came in the house.  I don't think I had 'doorbell dread' like some children of hoarders report, but that's really only because no one ever came to the door to see me.  It was out of my hands in a lot of ways, and maybe that speaks to my father's control of things.  People who came by were usually there to talk to my father about Volkswagens.

2) Were you and your sister pressed into being secret keepers (though obviously, all those cars were a pretty open secret). Did you ever tell anyone about your home situation in hopes of finding some help, or did you keep things private because of shame?

No, not really; there was no shame attached to in in my father's mind; it was what he wanted to do, and had the right to do, so it was good in his mind.  There was no point in keeping anything secret, and I was never told that I couldn't tell anyone about it for example.  I had no idea at all that there was something, well I can't say that I didn't think there was something wrong because on some level I knew it was screwed up, but I had no idea that it was abuse and neglect and that there was help out there, if only possible help.  I had no concept.  I think that is because of both my parents' attitude that the world is out to get you and that things are always bad, i.e. there is no such thing as help so don't bother asking.  In fact the way they framed it, bringing in outsiders was always trouble.

None of that is to say that I wasn't ashamed of the yard.  It was obviously a junkyard and ugly and not like other people's yards.  But I couldn't really grasp it in a lot of ways because it was vigorously defended as absolutely normal and what my father had the absolute right to do. I think I saw the junk more as a symptom of being poor.  I was certainly told to feel ashamed of that, while also yelled at for complaining about being poor, like it was my fault.

3) Your hot water heater broke when you were how old? And someone gave your father - an auto mechanic - one for free, but despite having the tools, the parts, and the mechanical expertise to install it, he didn’t. Tell us a little about that process of living without being able to take showers - was there a time you thought he would do it, “soon,” and then gradually gave up hope, or...? Did you ever think it was romantic, “Oh, we’re living like Little House on the Prairie,” or was it simply pointlessly miserable?

I think it broke when I was six or so; they didn't install it until after I'd moved out in my late 20s.  Or maybe I was in my thirties?  I don't honestly remember when it did get fixed and I'd think I would, wouldn't I?  This—Tell us a little about that process of living without being able to take showers—is a very uncomfortable question for me to think about answering; sounds voyeuristic to me.  Let's just say it really, really, really sucked; yet, of course, I thought it was just what it was, if not, well, 'normal', since I know no one I knew lived like that, still I could never see it getting fixed.  It wasn't, ever, that I, that we the family, thought he would do it; he was always, always, since time immemorial, completely impossible.  So I at least never had any hope that he'd do it.  If he did it would have been considered a miracle.  Which didn't mean we, I, didn't try to convince him (since he also adamantly would not let anyone else, like say a plumber do it, because that would cost money when he could do it).

We always thought (well I always thought) that if he could just be persuaded in the right manner, if we could just talk to him and convince him with logic or appeal to feelings or whatever other humans respond to, that we could get him to do it, maybe.  It was never romanticized, though my mother certainly downplayed it and mocked us if we complained.  She has some problems of her own, my mother, trust me.  The thing is that because my father framed it all as impossible or very very difficult I grew up thinking it was this huge huge deal to install a water heater.  So I don't even know that I would have thought it was pointlessly miserable, because I thought my father had a point about it.

Now of course I can see just how pointless it was since I'm older and can see somewhat straight. That's the thing growing up inside such dysfunction; you can't see it for what it is, not at all, and children for the most part believe what their parents tell them.

(to be continued...)

***

Not going to add a lot of my own comments here, but want to say this part: "if he could just be persuaded in the right manner, if we could just talk to him and convince him with logic or appeal to feelings" really rang out to me.  This was a big piece of my relationship with my ex, and many others dealing with OCPD loved ones have reported similar experiences.  They seem so reasonable and logical; surely the fault is with us, we're simply not communicating in the right way; if we just found that key...  Only there is no key, no "right" way.

Two things you can do right now, Dear Reader:

1) Add a comment to show your support for Thalia and her incredible courage in opening up about this very painful and difficult subject.

2) Download this attached .pdf prepared by Children of Hoarders.  It would be great if COH was a big, well-known organization with bucketfuls of money, who could afford to print out multiple copies and leave them in places like schools, pediatricians' offices, and youth recreational facilities - anywhere a child of a hoarder might find one, and realize s/he is not alone.

For now, they are asking for volunteers, to please print out what copies you an afford, distribute them where you can.  Visit the site and make a donation, if you can.  And pass the word.

Thank you.  Stay tuned for Part 2, tomorrow.

Labels Help, Labels Hurt

from cheezburger

Labels Hurt
Today, I am participating in Slutwalk LA.  Why?  Because I am beyond weary of men, women, and children being assaulted. 

I am infuriated by the misconception that rape is about anything but power and control. 

I am disgusted by the crazythink that all girls and women have to do is "stop dressing like sluts" and we will be safe.

I've already posted about the myths of rape, like the idea that rapists are looking for sexual satisfaction - when actually, many can't get their rocks off.

Back on point - pretty much, nobody likes feeling "labeled."  Black, white, young, old, prissy, slutty... people can and do find all those labels objectionable at times.  Labels are often used to divide people in very ugly ways.  She is mentally ill - I am not.  He's poor - I'm not. 

We can hold ourselves superior to "those people," whatever those people are that we're not. 

If we are "virtuous" and dress "modestly," then those girls, over there, must be "sluts."  If we like to dress to show off our bodies and feel comfortable being open about our sexuality, then those women, over there, must be repressed prudes.  

from Joe Shlabotnik at Flickr





from xddorox at Flickr



















When we look closer, we find out that, hey, the rich, the poor, the immigrants, the sluts - whatever we consider "the other," are actually... pretty much like us. 

Everyone deserves to be safe from being raped, assaulted, or killed.  Labeling some victims as somehow "less worthy" or "asking for it" does not reduce the number of attacks.  It simply reduces the number of assaults reported.  Which means that those who actually commit the attacks are still at large, free to attack someone else.


Labels Help
At the same time, labels can be helpful.  Especially for children, "labeling," or diagnosing a child with autism or a learning disability at an early age means that treatment begins sooner.

Diagnosing, aka "labeling" of mental illness allows for more effective treatment, and in some cases, appropriate medication.  Because there is still, sadly, such a huge stigma, nobody wants to be labeled mentally ill.  People who suspect their loved one might be mentally ill have to move very carefully, because their amateur diagnosis is unlikely to be welcomed with open arms. 

It's one thing to have someone tell you, "I notice you squinting a lot; let's have your eyes checked, maybe you need glasses." 

Quite another to have someone telling you, "It seems like you are anxious or angry a lot of the time; let's make an appointment with a psychiatrist and see if you... need help."

Those with substance abuse issues generally don't want to hear it, either.  "I'm not alcoholic, I just like to have a couple beers after a hard day at work."  They may on one hand insist they have no problems - and at the same time, expect you to let things slide if they misbehave, "You know I couldn't help it, I was drunk."

If we love someone with "problems," realizing it is them, not us - can be tremendously helpful in sorting out better ways to cope.  And to learn how to not enable, if we have been doing so in the past.  (See Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask, First.)

Attaching a label, in and of itself, doesn't help.  On the other hand... while the vast majority of those with mental illness are not violent, imagine if Jared Loughner's illness had been recognized and treated.  Or Ted Bundy's.

I think we can sort out whether a label is helpful or harmful.  Is it being used to hurt someone?  Is it being used to put the labeler in a position of Power Over, or to give him/her a smug feeling of superiority as compared to the person being "labeled?"  Or, is it simply identifying a possible problem so that the person can be helped?

Have you ever been labeled? 

Do you think some labels are helpful?

On Rape, Slut-Shaming, and the Illusion of Control

Northern Afghani women
via Wikimedia Commons
Even burqa-wearing women get raped

I thought I'd wandered off-topic a bit with my post on It's Not Really Rape, If... but actually, slut-shaming has a lot to do with OCPD-type thinking.

The Myth of Control goes something like this: If I try hard enough, I can stay in control of myself, of others, and of all the impersonal dangers of life.  By my control, I can be certain of safe passage.

Most men who are not total @sswipes want to care for and protect their wives, girlfriends, sisters, mothers and daughters.  Yet there is a reluctance, among men and women alike, to deal honestly with the realities of what rape really is.  Nobody wants to believe that they or their loved ones could be sexually assaulted at any time.  That's simply way too scary a thought.

So, we play these little mind games. We pretend that if we do the right things, take the right steps, we will be safe. 

Some (men and women) tell themselves that women who are openly sexual, and dress in a way that invites attention, are "sluts" and are "asking for it."  Certainly, they are asking for it - if "asking for it" means wanting attention.  "It" does not mean they are asking for rape or assault, any more than a merchant who puts effort into building an attractive display window with beautiful merchandise is "asking for" a robber to come into his store with a gun to steal the merchandise and assault him.

And, as previously noted, most convicted rapists don't even remember what the victim was wearing.  But if we can convince ourselves that sexual assault is triggered by the victim's clothing choices, we can reassure ourselves, if I don't dress like that, then I will be safe.  (Corollary for a man being, that his wife/girlfriend/daughter/mother/sister will be safe.)

If I only only date "nice" boys, or go out in groups of friends, I will be safe.

If I always keep my doors and windows locked, I will be safe.

If I don't go out after dark, I will be safe.

We can create a long list of things to do, or not do, to ensure our safety, but the reality is, even for women (and men) who do everything "right," sometimes we are sexually assaulted anyway.

The real answer is that we need to change people's attitudes towards rape, which is a much harder job.  Yet, over time, with enough social pressure, thoughts and attitudes can change.

I have seen them change in my own lifetime.  When I was a teenager and into my early twenties, drunk driving was a joke.  "Man, I was so hammered, I have no clue how I got home the other night," someone would say- at another party.  Most people in the group would laugh and confess similar behaviors.

Since then, there has been a remarkable shift in public opinion.  People are aware of how very many innocent people have been killed or crippled for life by drunk driving.  We don't think it's cute or funny any more.  No one would dream of loudly blurting something like that out in any kind of gathering, s/he would be roundly denounced by just about everyone there.

Way too many people still die because of alcohol-related driving accidents.  But in 1982 there were over 26,000 alcohol-related fatalities in the USA, and despite the population (and number of cars on the road) increasing substantially, by 2008 that number had dropped to under 14,000.  That's 14,000 too many, of course, but it proves that real social progress can be made, in a relatively short period of time.

We need to do for rape and sexual assault what we have done for drunk driving.  We need to talk, talk, talk about it.  We need to bust the myths and attack the real cause of rape, which is that of people (primarily men, but women can be rapists too) who try to prove their Power Over another man, woman or child by abusing them sexually.  We need to stop slut-shaming and start rapist-shaming.




Slut-shaming offers only an illusion of control, not the real thing.  If we blame the victim, we can give ourselves a false sense of security that what happened to her/him can't happen to us.  Yet we know, deep inside, that this is not the truth.

"Sluts" don't deserve to be raped.  Nobody deserves to be raped.

Your thoughts?

It's Not Really Rape If... Busting the Myths

Britney Spears via Wikimedia Commons
Is Britney a "slut"? Or a healthy young woman,
secure in her own sexuality?

Yep, this is a blog about OCPD and mental illness and setting boundaries, and this post is going to be about rape, which is also a boundary violation, in more ways than one.  So shut up, lay back and enjoy it, as they used to say.

One of the enduring myths about rape is that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized”.  This myth is so pervasive and widespread that members of the Toronto Police, among others, have voiced it as "truth," because they believe it is the truth.

The facts?  Do rape victims provoke the attack by wearing "provocative clothing" or otherwise "asking for it"?

• Wanting attention, even wanting consensual sex, is not the same thing as wanting to be forced, coerced, or drugged into unconsenting sex.  As Caitlyn commented on the original article that stirred up the SlutWalks movement (more on that later) "Blaming the woman for wanting to look attractive is like blaming a store owner for having such nice and expensive things in his store, after the store is subject to an armed robbery.  Clearly the owner should cover up and hide all the nice things so no one wants to steal them."
• A Federal Commission on Crime of Violence Study found that only 4.4% of all reported rapes involved provocative behavior on the part of the victim, and most of this consisted of nothing more than dressing or walking in a way that is socially defined as attractive.  In murder cases 22% involved provocative behavior (as simple as a glance.)
• Assault victims range in age from days old to those in their nineties.  (I never thought of Onesies or flannel nighties as "slutty," did you?)
• Women who live in countries with conservative dress, or who wear it in Western countries, such as Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Mennonite, LDS - also experience rape.
• Women, children and men who have limited mental capacity are often sexually assaulted.
• Women in the US Armed Forces are more likely to be assaulted by a fellow soldier than killed in combat.  Men in the US Armed Forces are also experiencing sexual assault in record numbers by "straight" soldiers, often by a group of them.  Both male and female assault victims are typically young, low-ranking and vulnerable.  The dynamics are similar to prison rape.  It's all about exerting Power Over another human being.
• Most convicted rapists do not remember what their victims were wearing.

There are a lot of people who pay lip service to "Rape is not about sex, rape is about violence," but they don't truly believe it.  Deep down, they believe the myth that men rape because they are desperate for sex, their wives are frigid or they can't get a girlfriend. 

Men rape because they want power and control over someone weaker than themselves. They use their penis as a weapon to control and humiliate their victim. They rape because their own lives are inadequate and unfulfilled. They do not rape for sexual satisfaction. Most rapists do not enjoy the sex, they say things like "I didn't enjoy the sex, just the fear in her eyes."  Rapists often don't ejaculate.

Rapists also may have problems achieving or maintaining an erection.  Many assaults are committed with foreign objects forced into a man or woman's body.

Many women and men in Canada and the United States are getting fed up with victim-blaming, along with the myths and misconceptions that still - still! linger about rape and sexual assault.  Therefore, groups around Canada and the US are holding SlutWalks to help educate the public about the sad realities of what rape is, and what it isn't. 

Being assaulted isn’t about what you wear; it’s not even about sex; but using a pejorative term to rationalize inexcusable behaviour creates an environment in which it’s okay to blame the victim. 

Historically, the term ‘slut’ has carried a predominantly negative connotation. Aimed at those who are sexually promiscuous, be it for work or pleasure, it has primarily been women who have suffered under the burden of this label. And whether dished out as a serious indictment of one’s character or merely as a flippant insult, the intent behind the word is always to wound, so we’re taking it back. “Slut” is being re-appropriated.

We are tired of being oppressed by slut-shaming; of being judged by our sexuality and feeling unsafe as a result. Being in charge of our sexual lives should not mean that we are opening ourselves to an expectation of violence, regardless if we participate in sex for pleasure or work. No one should equate enjoying sex with attracting sexual assault.

<snip> We are asking you to join us for SlutWalk, to make a unified statement about sexual assault and victims’ rights and to demand respect for all. Whether a fellow slut or simply an ally, you don’t have to wear your sexual proclivities on your sleeve, we just ask that you come. Any gender-identification, any age. Singles, couples, parents, sisters, brothers, children, friends. Come walk or roll or strut or holler or stomp with us. This has become a global movement, with Satellites happening all over the world. See if there’s one in your city.

I'm joining SlutWallks LA on June 4.  There will be some fabulous guest speakers and wonderful volunteers, including co-organizer Hugo Schwyzer of the Good Men Project, who wrote a wonderful editorial on Why Men Should Join SlutWalk, including some very poignant hopes and wishes for his own daughter.

Why does it matter if many men and women believe things about sexual assault which are simply not true?

From WSCAP:

Rape myths are not just a set of harmless beliefs. Rape and rape myths are destructive forces. They do not fall on deaf ears, nor are they said in a vacuum. Although some people may think they are just “saying words” or holding on to innocuous beliefs, rape myths have profound impacts. They hurt. They hurt individuals, they hurt survivors, they hurt families and they hurt communities. They encourage silence, shame and pain. They shift blame away from the perpetrator, and, ultimately, keep us believing that sexual violence is natural and normal. And, most assuredly, perpetrators count on us believing them in order to continue perpetrating sexual violence.

People who believe rape myths sit on juries.  They serve on police forces, the D.A.'s offices, become judges.  They write our laws.  They make it possible for a culture of victim-blaming - and raping - to continue.

Rape myths lead to otherwise intelligent men like Ben Stein reasoning that Dominique Strauss-Kahn was unlikely to be a rapist because he could not think of any economists who had been convicted of violent sex crimes.  Unfortunately for BS (hey, those are his initials, blame his mama,) The Daily Show has a research team.  They shortly proved that, by the same line of "reasoning," that economists are actually "the rape-iest profession going."

Myth: Rapists are 7 feet tall, and covered with rank hair.  (Or, perhaps not that exactly, but obviously creepy and menacing, like Robert Mitchum in Cape Fear.) 
Rapists look just like anybody else.  They are often married or have a steady girlfriend, even those who assault other men.  They come from all walks of life, all economic levels, all races, and all ages.


Myth: Rapes are spur of the moment. 
Actually, 90% of group rapes and 60% of single assailant rapes are planned.

Myth: If s/he doesn't say no, that means yes. 
Not in the case of minors, people with limited or diminished mental capacity, people who have been drugged or have given alcohol to the point of unconsciousness, or who are otherwise not able to give their consent.  Know what means yes?  Yes means yes.

Myth: It's not really rape, if you've had sex together before. 
Yes, it is. Even if this person is your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend.  No means no.

Myth: If they enjoy other sex acts with you, even though they've always said they don't want to participate in anal sex, it's okay to insert a penis or other object into their anus when they're deeply asleep.  
No, that's still rape.  And an excuse of "Gee, I missed, I didn't realize I was in the wrong place" is especially lame if you are a prominent gynecologist.

Myth: women don't need abortion coverage for rape, because they should always be prepared.  Like keeping a spare tire in the trunk. 
However you feel about abortion rights, that has to go down as one of the most brain-dead things anyone has ever said.

What other myths have you heard about rape?  

It's not really rape if...

How Can I Deny Thee, OCPD? Let Me Count The Ways

Catherine Zeta-Jones
via Wikimedia Commons

One of the most pernicious aspects of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is the fact that those who have it are usually convinced there is nothing wrong with them. With those around them, sure.  They are surrounded by fools and incompetents!  

It's hard for any of us to admit that we might be mentally ill.  There's a big stigma (perhaps it should be called a Stinkma) about having any kind of mental disorder - except for perhaps the "cool" ones, like bi-polar disorder or anorexia.

Note: I am NOT saying it is "cool" to be bi-polar or have an eating disorder.  I know full well, the very deep pain and intense suffering that those with those diseases experience.  Still, the perception in the general public is that there are glamorous models, actors and actresses who have eating disorders, or who are receiving treatment for bi-polar disorder, or substance abuse.  So if these talented, beautiful people have a problem just like ours, it becomes a little easier to admit we suffer from it, too.

There are no "beautiful people" stepping forward and saying, "I have OCPD."  Many people have never even heard of OCPD.  Often, it's confused with OCD, or Asperger's, or autism, and what is true is that some people with OCPD also have some OCD or Asperger characteristics.  They may share a sensory overload with light, sounds, or odors, for example.  They may exhibit similar emotional "meltdowns" when something occurs they did not expect.

Many of the qualities of OCPD are extremely admirable, in small doses.  When cooking, we might not realize that we've added too much salt, but we sure know it when we taste it.  Way too much salt can make food not only unpleasant but inedible.

Here's an example: many women (and some men) with OCPD obsess over a clean house.  They are constantly cleaning, disinfecting, and bleaching things.  This might not seem so bad, until you hear stories about a woman who put so much bleach into her husband's laundry that he had to be medically treated for chemical burns in his crotch.  Twice.  Sometimes an OCPD woman (or man) is so wrapped up in obsessive cleaning 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, that there is no time to socialize with friends, play with the children, or go out to dinner with the spouse.

When partners, co-workers or children first hear about OCPD, there is a thrill of recognition, relief and hope.  This is what the problem is, I'm not going crazy after all, and now my partner/father/co-worker can get treated and things will be better.

Sometimes it works that way, but more often, the person with OCPD will deeply resent getting an amateur diagnosis from his loved one.  S/he will insist the partner is the one with the problem; will look up the condition online and point out triumphantly that s/he doesn't hoard, or obsess about being on time, so you see, s/he couldn't possibly have OCPD.  (Disregarding the other items that are spot-on.)

S/he may agree to go for counseling, and then:

• Storm out because s/he doesn't like the things the counselor says.
• Refuse to listen because s/he doesn't think the credentials of the counselor are impressive enough.
• Listen but only hear part of what the counselor has to say.
• Out and out reject a professional diagnosis of OCPD and a recommended course of behavior therapy.

The counselor, in turn, may not even use the term OCPD.  Because so many who have it react negatively to "labels," s/he may pussyfoot around, refer to "obsessive-compulsive tendencies" or "overwhelming anxiety."  So in some cases, denial may occur in part because the term OCPD was never officially used in the first place.  We can understand why a counselor might make that choice, because if a patient is willing to accept some therapy, sans label, it would seem better for their well-being than forcing a diagnosis on someone who will then abandon therapy altogether.

Here's some true stories (some details have been changed): 

I finally got my wife to read the book Too Perfect, and when she did she said wow and agreed that OCPD was her all the way. So much so that she actually made an appointment and has been going to a therapist. However,..... when I mention OCPD she gets upset and says not to label her. This coming from a woman who openly admitted that she could identify with the entire book.

My boyfriend knows he's OCPD but hates "labels" and denies having OCPD. When our therapist first brought it up and read the symptoms, I had my mouth hanging open and he had the BIGGEST smile on his face. He was proud!!   Now, he denies it (it's like talking to a crazy person!) and he gets upset whenever i bring it up.

My OCPD wife went to joint counseling last year on threat of separation. When she was diagnosed with OCPD, she didn't accept it and we came to an impasse.

My husband actually found out about OCPD on his own 2 years ago, then made an appointment with a psychiatrist who officially diagnosed him. At the time I thought it was encouraging that he could admit and realize he had OCPD, but now he is in absolute denial and says he has it under control. That the problems all come from our "bad communication" skills.

My wife was diagnosed first by a neuro-psychiatrist after extensive testing with OCD. It was only after I did extensive research that I could bring OCPD to their attention, and now she is being treated for OCPD with medication and therapy.

Recently, the counselor brought up the concept of OCPD.  I later found out from the counselor that my husband wouldn't accept the diagnosis of OCPD, so the counselor took the "symptom approach," i.e. explaining to him how he was obsessive and compulsive. These he accepted. However, now that my husband has convinced himself that he doesn't have OCPD, he is very angry at me for having "imprisoned" him with this diagnosis of my own making for years. Not to mention, as far as I can tell, he's not working very hard on his "symptoms."

My girlfriend had a brain scan done and it was opposite of normal. The guy looked at her and said "how do you sleep at night?" She didn't. She knew something was up but she had no real interest in seeking a fix, something that might even help her feel better. Even her mom suggested getting help. Eventually she did go to therapy and it was about blaming everyone else. As soon as the therapist started scratching the surface she became too busy with work to go any more!!

Five years into the marriage, my husband was diagnosed with OCPD.  Constant conflict between wanting special concessions because "that is the way I am" and the continual denial that anything was wrong with him. This went on for another ten years, until I just could not stay in a war state of mind, all of the time.

Now after all this gloom and doom, is there any hope?  Yes, there is.  This is also a true story: 

I was formally diagnosed 10 years ago, and managed to completely dismiss and ignore it for many years.  My symptoms started to really get worse, to the point where I was making lists to organize my lists! I hated how I felt, was interested in feeling better, and came to learn techniques that addressed the OCPD without ever acknowledging the OCPD. It all comes down to acknowledging and taking responsibility for the chaos in your life, regardless of what the origin of that chaos is.

Having the official label of OCPD can help the partner to understand this is a mental disorder - that it is not us.  It may or may not be helpful to the person who has it.  If they would prefer to call themselves excessively perfectionistic, or "a little bit obsessive about some things," what matters is not whether they accept the label, but if they are willing to do the very hard work of battling the disorder.  



Photo via OIPA



As their loved ones, we need to understand our own boundaries, our own co-dependent tendencies to save the wounded birds.  It is entirely possible, once we stop enabling that they will feel the pain enough to take action about it.

One thing's for sure, nagging, reminding, and "helping," doesn't.

Got an experience with diagnosis and counseling you'd be willing to share? 

  

Men, Women, Children and Domestic Violence

So, dear readers, I not only read your comments but give them a lot of thought.  Especially this one.

My as-yet unmet friend and fellow blogger Thalia had posted: 

But what I keep coming back to in my head is this:

If I were in the process of recovering from a bad relationship, and I recognized that it had been co-dependent and controlling, perhaps even abusive (though I do not know if you consider your recent relationship so), and I were trying to unravel all that, I would think it a very good idea to pay close attention to how I react to known abusers. Especially if I found myself downplaying or ignoring that abuse (which you say you did know about), and even more so if I found myself expressing sympathy for that person. Because it could potentially have a lot to tell me about my self-image and who I tend to side with in these matters.

What I hear you saying in this sounds awfully close to me to If we just love them enough they'll change.

Let me address the last part first - if we just love them enough they'll change.  No. 

Well... maybe.  I believe that in some rare cases, love can "win over" somebody who has distorted thinking. 

Image via Karen's Whimsy

But when I say "love," I'm not talking about namby-pamby hearts-and-flowers let me get-that-fix-that be your adoring little doormat.  I'm talking love with muscles - love that sets firm, consistent boundaries, love that insists on therapy and emotional homework and does not tolerate being mistreated and disrespected for a single minute.  If you can show that kind of love, and if the other person realizes that if they don't change, you will walk out that door, never to return... in those circumstances, do I believe they will change?

I think it's possible.  I know a few people (very few people) who've done it.  I also believe that sometimes even with all the stars and moons and planets in alignment, with the best intentions in the world, the person with distorted thinking will not be willing or able to change.  And there's no amount of love - with or without muscles - that can make them.

I believe in most situations, sadly, change is not going to happen.  In hindsight, we might have done better to cut our losses and end it, sooner.  But we can only leave a relationship when we are emotionally ready to do so, no matter how little sense it makes to those on the outside, or how ready others think we should be.

Later, of course, we're asking ourselves What Was I Thinking?! 

If you're trying to be the good friend in a situation where someone is being abused, either verbally or physically, a good reference is Helping Her Get Free by Susan Brewster.

I know, with my ex
b-f, there is no going back.  I gave it my best shot, I swung and missed.  Ballgame over.  Time for the showers - and I'm talking a girly shower, with lots of fragrant shower gel and lather thingies and scented lotion.

On paying attention to how I think about abusers and abuse... I take it very seriously.  Although I recognize that there are false accusations of abuse out there, for the most part I also believe the woman, when an accusation is made.  Or child.  Or man.  I consider myself to have been in an abusive relationship, and just because it was "only" violent twice, and because I believe my former mate to be mentally ill, does not mean it did not have serious damaging effects on my heart and psyche.  For myself, the long-term, ongoing verbal and emotional abuse was far worse than the violence or threat of violence.  For another person it may be exactly the opposite.  We are all individuals, and what we went through will impact us in different ways.

I know that for myself, it's going to take much time and space and self-kindness and more time to recover myself.

On the "public" abusers... Thalia, you're right.  My personal jury is still deliberating, and I don't have one specifically reaction.  Am I too soft on them, to ready to make an excuse or find an extenuating circumstance?  Perhaps.  But as I sort out my many issues, I don't think that painting the world in black-or-white is healthy for me, either. 

Specifically, about Charlie Sheen - I know that I don't know.  I know that he has racked up a record of being arrested for domestic violence, and for threatening women in his circle.  I know that his recent behavior appears bi-polar.  This could mean he is bi-polar, or that his various drug abuses are mimicking the condition, or that he's putting on an act.  Or some combination of all three. 

I've now done some trolling on the Internet in search of the truth - and my conclusion is... I can't conclude.  Not without putting a lot more time into it, and frankly, I'm sick of it and him.  CS may be the biggest Male Chauvinist Pig of all time, who's gotten away with more than OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant put together, or... "such a good person underneath all of it" as ex-fiance and shooting victim Kelly Preston recently claimed <rolling my eyes.>  I lean towards the MCP view, but who knows?  I don't really care about CS (not that I wish him ill,) except as an example for how difficult it is for families to "control" someone who seems to be mentally ill, no matter how publicly outrageous their behavior.

On abuse, in the generic: Sometimes I believe that abusers seeking Power Over a victim know exactly what they are doing.  That they can and do have control over their actions - for example, when they destroy possessions, they rarely destroy anything that they themselves value.  Those who batter their wives often choose to avoid the face or arms, because the bruises would show - that speaks to premeditation and control, in spades.  I believe that it's no accident that those who abuse the elderly or disabled in convalescent hospitals target those who are no longer able to speak coherently.  Or children.  Or hookers, the homeless, or smaller, frailer inmates - anyone perceived to be unprotected by society.

I think about this, and often I think that those who abuse - physically, sexually, emotionally - are evil, sadistic sociopaths.  And I feel a great deal of rage, and if I could wipe them off the earth simply by pressing a button, I'd get calluses on my button finger from jabbing it so many times! 

from Nagzi at Flickr Creative Commons

And then I think of all we are learning about the brain these days.  That certain areas of brain function - controlling long-term decision-making, for example, mature later in life.  That there are patterns of anosognosia in people with organic brain damage, which are strikingly similar to what people with certain mental illnesses exhibit.  We now know certain diseases, like Alzheimers, are due to build-up of plaque and tangles which inhibit brain function.  We know that damage to certain areas of the brain reduces impulse control.  I lost a dear friend to MS a few years ago, and saw the gradual loss of body control and function that was a result of the deterioration of the myelin sheaths... in his brain.

from Boaz Yiftach at FreeDigitalPhotos

My grandmother was left-handed, and she grew up when the mindset was that being left-handed was simply a matter of "being stubborn."  That she could easily learn to use her right hand as well or better than her left, if she would only try.

I am no longer 100% convinced that all abusers are evil sociopaths.  Some are, I have no doubt.  Others... may be doing their best, struggling against the ways their brains are wired, or damage to the brain due to exposure to lead or who knows what substances, legal or illegal.  Or they may be mentally ill.

Does that make it okay for them to abuse others?  No.  If you are on the receiving end, whether of a punch, or a curse, does it make it feel better, to think "Gee, I guess he can't help himself?"  Hell no.  You are still bruised, and in many ways, hurt worse than if some stranger had come up to you, mugged you and stolen your money.  There is an awful, awful betrayal when somebody you are supposed to be able to love, supposed to be able to trust, is the very person you can't trust.

I think perhaps what Thalia voiced was she was hearing support and sympathy for the possibly mentally ill perpetrator, and not so much for the victim.  Maybe I did sound more sympathetic to the abuser than the victim (though I consider those coping with a mentally ill family member or loved one to be heroes first, victims second.)

My number one priority is for the victim.  We should support and help the victim, and never for a moment stop saying, "Not your fault.  You did not and do not deserve to be: hit, slapped, punched, threatened, berated, screamed at, belittled, ridiculed..." and not run past them in a rush to shower the abuser with sympathy for the stress s/he must have felt, being compelled to abuse, poor baby!

On statistics: I know statistics indicate that far more women are seriously injured by abusive men than are men by women, women by women, men by men... Not sure who takes the lion's share of abusing children, or the elderly but I'm guessing that's probably men, too.  Men usually have a size advantage over their mates, and are often (though not always) the primary breadwinner of the family.

Still, IMO going off on a "bad men vs. abused women" angle is not going to solve the problem.  We want abuse to stop, and in order to do so, we have to enlist everybody: men, women and children to be a part of the solution.  Segregation did not end in America because the African-American community was unhappy about it; the majority of (male white) lawmakers and the general population had to also become opposed to it.  It takes time to turn public opinion around on an issue.

I am not that old (at least, I'd like to think I'm not!) and I remember a time when it was both legal and socially acceptable for an American man to beat up and rape his wife, unless he really "went too far" and put her in the hospital.  Then people would frown, perhaps even whisper about him (although even then he would rarely go to jail.)  Thankfully, this is no longer considered okay.  So I have hope that social attitudes can continue to evolve in a positive direction, even if they're not moving as fast as I'd like.

Men who are not abusing women, but who have, perhaps, been abused by women (and I personally know several), or who know another man who has been abused, are not going to eagerly sign onto taking a stand against Domestic Violence if they perceive men are being singled out and blamed as the sole cause of the problem, and that abusive women are getting a free pass.  This cannot be "just" a women's issue - it needs to be an everybody issue, because everybody is hurt by Domestic Violence.

Children are terribly damaged by witnessing abuse in the home, whether it is fathers to mothers, or mothers abusing fathers, or perhaps an elderly relative in the home, or one sibling who is the family "goat," even if they themselves are not abused.  But I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say, whether they are boys or girls, children who witness abuse committed by men or women are more likely to bully other children in school and grow up to be abusive themselves, than children who do not grow up with an abusive parent of either sex.  Even if they do not become abusers, they are likely to be vulnerable to tolerating unacceptable behavior from future romantic partners (which is part of my own picture.)

IMO, as a society, we need to take a stand and say "Abuse is not okay.  Period."  We need to teach children that abuse isn't okay, regardless of who it comes from: mothers, fathers, stepfathers,  stepmothers, grandparents, teachers, religious leaders, neighbors, other children.  Never, under any circumstances, is verbal, emotional, or physical abuse acceptable.

That said, since we can't just push a button and cleanly get rid of abusers, we need to figure out what else we can do.  I do believe there are some shades of gray here, that someone may lash out physically once or twice in a lifetime, or during a mental illness crisis.  While that's still unacceptable behavior, absolutely, I am not sure that abuser is on the same "level" as somebody who routinely batters a partner, children or parent.  If these people are contrite, if they are ashamed and truly don't want to be verbally or physically abusive, let's see if we can retrain their brain patterns, so battering with fists or words isn't their go-to reaction in times of stress or frustration. 

And let's give those with whom they live enough training to recognize the danger signs and get out before their unstable members do start shooting, slicing, or otherwise "going postal" on the family.  Enough resources to be able to leave an unbalanced relationship, and to know that they are worthwhile people, that none of this is their fault.

I do have, perhaps, a rosy-glasses view of the world.  I would like to believe that Andrea Yates and Jared Loughner and Stanley Neace were not in their right minds when they killed.

I would like to believe that with more education, people will recognize mental illness earlier and find a way to get sick people help before tragedy occurs (even as this is made harder by cuts by many states in mental health funding due to budget shortfalls.)  I don't believe that wish is incompatible with the desire to end domestic violence and the worldwide oppression of women and children, but rather, is of a piece with it.

Maybe it's OCPD fleas, maybe I want to control what is uncontrollable, but I find it less frightening to live in a world where most people harm others because they've "gone crazy," because at least in theory, that can be prevented.  I don't want to believe I live in a world where most people who harm others, do it coldly, sanely, and rationally... just because they want to.

***

Please note, this very incomplete list of resources are not just for physical violence, but can offer help to those suffering verbal and emotional abuse as well.  Don't feel you have no "right" to ask for help because you've never been hit.  Abuse includes emotional, verbal, and financial, and these resources are there for you, too.

USA:
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  TTY- 1-800-787-3224 
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (includes downloadable guides for helping women in abusive relationships)
National Alliance on Mental Illness, aka NAMI

Canada:
National Clearinghouse on Family Violence - you will need to opt for English or French

UK:
Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247

Australia & New Zealand:
Domestic Violence Information Manual - phone numbers vary by territory

For Male Victims:
Menweb
Why Men Stay in Abusive Relationships

Your thoughts?
Got more links?