Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.



DSM on OCPD

What's a "DSM", anyway?  

(from Wikipedia) The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is published by the American Psychiatric Association and provides a common language and standard criteria for the classification of mental disorders. It is used in the United States and in varying degrees around the world, by clinicians, researchers, psychiatric drug regulation agencies, health insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, and policy makers.

In other words, being formally diagnosed as having a mental disorder under whatever is the current DSM means you can (or cannot) get coverage under your health insurance policy, get considered for Social Security Disability benefits, can get prescribed various behaviorial and pharmaceutical treatments, considered for participation in studies, etc. 

Yep, it's a big deal.


It also means you are subject to the current social stigma of "having a mental disorder", and unfortunately, many people would rather admit to having herpes or AIDS than a mental disorder.  Even if being diagnosed means getting help.


Here's the CURRENT American Definition of OCPD, as defined in the DSM-IV

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

(1) is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost

(2) shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)

(3) is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity)

(4) is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification)

(5) is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value

(6) is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things

(7) adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes

(8) shows rigidity and stubbornness


In England and other countires, the disorder may be called Anakastic Personality Disorder

(from Wikipedia) The World Health Organization's ICD-10 defines a conceptually similar disorder to obsessive–compulsive personality disorder called (F60.5) Anankastic personality disorder.[15]

 It is characterized by at least 3 of the following:
  1. feelings of excessive doubt and caution;
  2. preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization or schedule;
  3. perfectionism that interferes with task completion;
  4. excessive conscientiousness, scrupulousness, and undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships;
  5. excessive pedantry and adherence to social conventions;
  6. rigidity and stubbornness;
  7. unreasonable insistence by the individual that others submit exactly to his or her way of doing things, or unreasonable reluctance to allow others to do things;
  8. intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses.
Includes:
  • compulsive and obsessional personality (disorder)
  • obsessive-compulsive personality disorder
Excludes:
  • obsessive-compulsive disorder
It is a requirement of ICD-10 that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.


Currently, the DSM is in the process of revisionHere's the working version of the DSM-V for OCPD.  The final, modified version of the DSM-V is expected to be approved and published by May 2013.

(The draft disorders and disorder criteria that have been proposed by the DSM-5 Work Groups can be found on these pages.  Use the links below to read about proposed changes to the disorders that interest you.  Please note that the proposed criteria listed here are not final.  These are initial drafts of the recommendations that have been made to date by the DSM-5 Work Groups.  At this time, visitors are no longer able to submit comments on this Web site. The work group members are currently reviewing all submitted comments, and we will be providing updates to this site to reflect any changes in proposed revisions made as a result of viewer feedback.)



The work group is recommending that this disorder be reformulated as the Obsessive-Compulsive Type.

Individuals who match this personality disorder type are ruled by their need for order, precision, and perfection.  Activities are conducted in super-methodical and overly detailed ways.  They have intense concerns with time, punctuality, schedules, and rules.  Affected individuals exhibit an overdeveloped sense of duty and obligation, and a need to try to complete all tasks thoroughly and meticulously.  The need to try to do things perfectly may result in a paralysis of indecision, as the pros and cons of alternatives are weighed, such that important tasks may not ever be completed.  Tasks, problems, and people are approached rigidly, and there is limited capacity to adapt to changing demands or circumstances.  For the most part, strong emotions – both positive (e.g., love) and negative (e.g., anger) – are not consciously experienced or expressed.  At times, however, the individual may show significant insecurity, lack of self confidence, and anxiety subsequent to guilt or shame over real or perceived deficiencies or failures. Additionally, individuals with this type are controlling of others, competitive with them, and critical of them.  They are conflicted about authority (e.g., they may feel they must submit to it or rebel against it), prone to get into power struggles either overtly or covertly, and act self-righteous or moralistic.  They are unable to appreciate or understand the ideas, emotions, and behaviors of other people. 

Instructions
A.  Type rating.  Rate the patient’s personality using the 5-point rating scale shown below.  Circle the number that best describes the patient’s personality. 
5 = Very Good Match: patient exemplifies this type
4 = Good Match: patient significantly resembles this type
3 = Moderate Match: patient has prominent features of this type
2 = Slight Match: patient has minor features of this type
1 = No Match: description does not apply 

B.  Trait ratings.  Rate extent to which the following traits associated with the Obsessive-Compulsive Type are descriptive of the patient using this four-point scale:   
0 = Very little or not at all descriptive
= Mildly descriptive
= Moderately descriptive
= Extremely descriptive 
1. Compulsivity: Perfectionism                            
Insistence on everything being flawless, without errors or faults, including own and others’ performance; conviction that reality should conform to one’s own ideal vision; holding oneself and others to unrealistically high standards; sacrificing of timeliness to ensure every detail is correct

2. Compulsivity: Rigidity
Being rule- and habit-governed; belief that there is only one right way to do things; insistence on an unchanging routine; difficulty adapting behaviors to changing circumstances; processing of information on the basis of fixed ideas and expectations; difficulty changing ideas and/or viewpoint, even with overwhelming contrary evidence

3. Compulsivity: Orderliness       
Need for order and structure; insistence on everything having a correct place or order and on keeping them so; intolerance of things being “out of place”; concern with details, lists, arrangements, schedules

4. Compulsivity: Perseveration
Persistence at tasks long after behavior has ceased to be functional or effective; belief that lack of success is due solely to lack of effort or skill; continuance of the same behavior despite repeated failures.

5. Negative Emotionality: Anxiousness
Feelings of nervousness, tenseness, and/or being on edge; worry about past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful and threatened by uncertainty

6. Negative Emotionality: Pessimism
Having a negative outlook on life; focusing on and accentuating the worst aspects of current circumstances; expecting the worst outcome

7. Negative Emotionality: Guilt/shame
Having frequent and persistent feelings of guilt/ shame/ blameworthiness, even over minor matters; believing one deserves punishment for wrongdoing

8. Introversion: Restricted Affectivity
Lack of emotional experience and display; emotional reactions, when evident, are shallow and transitory; unemotional, even in normally emotionally arousing situations

9. Antagonism: Oppositionality
Displaying defiance by refusing to cooperate with requests, meet obligations, or complete tasks; behavioral resistance to performance expectations; resentment and undermining of authority figures.

As you can tell, OCPD is just one wild, swinging, party-in-a-basket, no? 

No. 

People who have OCPD are not bad people.  The problem suffered by those who love someone with OCPD, is that those who have OCPD are frequently in denial that their thinking and behaviors are driven by OCPD.  Therefore, they are logical, we are wrong.  We just don't get it.

Here's the typical pattern with an OCPD person.

#1 - Denial, Denial, Denial.  There is nothing wrong with them.  9,999,999 people could tell them the earth is round, and they would insist that it is flat.  Therefore, they don't need help.  We need help, because obviously we are delusional.

So, most of those with obvious OCPD cannot be dragged, kicking and screaming, in to a psychiatrist capable of evaluating and diagnosing their OCPD behaviors.

#2 - They've been in to a psychiatrist, they've been diagnosed.  Possibly years back, either as a condition of staying in a relationship, or because their own pain drove them to it.  Now they have loaded Denial 2.0.  They may admit they have some OCPD tendencies, sometimes, but there's really nothing wrong with them, on a day-to-day basis.  The psychiatrist was clearly unqualified.   There was something wrong with the test.  They might have had tendencies, once, but they don't anymore.  They're happy just the way they are; their OCPD characteristics give them an edge.

#3 - They've been diagnosed, they are actively working to combat their OCPD behaviors, with various combinations of therapy, medications, group interactions with others who have OCPD, prayer and meditation.

The third group does not seem to be the largest one. 

Saddest of all, as much as those who love a person with OCPD truly suffer, the person who has it suffers just as much, if not more.  They are lonely, anxious people, and they truly want to be loved and appreciated. 

If they could only find someone to do it the Right Way.

Comments (21)

Loading... Logging you in...
  • Logged in as
I am SO glad I found this blog! I've been dating this wonderful lady on and off for about a year and a half, and have fallen deeply in love with her. But I realized that there was something amiss...and after yet another argument yesterday, and after talking to her mother who informed me that she thinks her daughter may have "mental issues", I started digging around. I read descriptions of personality disorders that I thought it could be, but none really described her. Until I got to OCPD. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. It was that accurate. I am a very patient person, and I have no intentions on giving up on her. I just now have the tools to make the best of this, and to realize that I am not going out of my mind. Sorry for rambling, but thanks for providing this blog!
1 reply · active 674 weeks ago
Welcome, Tony. I hope that your patience and love wins out in the end. It truly is a disorder that is hellish on those who have it, as well as those who must deal with the affected person.

That said, even with the best tools and information at hand... sometimes there is not a happy ending. I hope yours is one of them. <3
Thank you so much for your detailed report of living with an OCPD man, it's fantastic. I have tried to explain OCPD to others and they just don't understand how intricate the "perfectionism" is. I've been dealing with similar "attributes" in a romantic relationship for 1.5 years, except IMAGINE THIS: he speaks a different language (italian), and I speak only english. One thing that I believe made it easier for me was that fact actually makes it easier because I do not understand the endless horrific lectures and so can ignore them easily. That and the fact that I only life in Italy a few times a year so we don't see each other very often. After 10 days together it is a nightmare (for him) because he says that I am "insufferable" and "disrupt the harmony." You know, like using the water in the fridge to make coffee, instead of using the water "room temperature" on a special place on the counter, angled perpendicular to the sink for visual purposes. I was lectured in Italian for 10 minutes, the coffee I made was dumped out into the trash, and he proceeded to instruct me on how to make the coffee step by step. All I replied back to him was "yes daddy." He didn't understand what I said and assumed I was complying.
I have recently been diagnosed wiht ocpd. I voluntarily entered thereapy 6 weeks ago after not realizing that I had problems for SEVERAL years. I am currently 54, married with two twenty something children. I seem to drive my wife crazy and have been verbally insensitive and abusive even though I do not remember or acknowledge the incidents. The more I read about ocpd the more i see myself and the more concerned I get. My wife has been a functioning alcoholic for 20 years.... I blame myself and I have been a pot head for 40 years. We are both now straight and it is not going well. Not sure if we still like each other.
gw
1 reply · active 661 weeks ago
Dear gww - thanks for adding your experience here. It is really, really hard to change old patterns that have been set for years, and that is something you & your wife *both* have to do.

Right now, you may *not* like each other very much, but the habits of decades aren't changed in six weeks, or even six months. Please keep battling, both to save your relationship, and especially, for YOURSELF. <3
Thank you for all this information and support! My story is along one, but the short of it is that I am in a marriage I want so desperately to get out of due to the OCPD. My spouse has soooooo many of the qualities. It's given me relief to know that it is NOT me. For so long, i have always felt like I was delusional. Not anymore. Reading your information on this has given me strength on a daily basis to continue to keep at a distance and not take on his negativity. The more I pull away, the more out of control he is getting. He really is a good guy. and i do love him, but cant live this way.
thank you again for this site. I visit it daily if not more, to remind me "it's not me" and he has the disorder (undiagnosed).
1 reply · active 660 weeks ago
dee, many of the stories I hear about OCPD include the person fitting all the criteria, but not being officially diagnosed. Even on OCPD support boards, many of those who have labeled *themselves* as OCPD have never been formally diagnosed, or are not currently in treatment. It's really a sad, sad thing, but over time, as the condition worsens (and without treatment, it always does), most sane people find it impossible to keep living with the disordered person. Even though the partner with the disease may be wonderful, when not "under the influence." ~~hugs~~ <3
I just broke it off with a man that I truly believe has OCPD; but he refuses to acknowledge it. He got very upset with me one morning when I didn't immediately put the coffee back in the pantry in it's proper place; I wasn't supposed to leave it out even though I always cleaned the kitchen spotless afterwards. I placed a spoon facing south in silverware drawer, I was told it needed to be head facing north; I could never disagree with anything he said, or have an opinion of my own, it would end up in an argument. He found fault in everything; I couldn't watch a TV show without him pointing out flaws. He was so tight with his money that the one time he took me to the movies, I got a 30 minute lecture before the show that he felt that money is wasted going to the show and on and on, it really killed the excitement I felt about finally really going out.
My recent post Queen for a Day
1 reply · active 620 weeks ago
Hi Tabitha - so sorry, I didn't notice until now that your comments had gotten shifted to the spam folder.

It hurts when somebody finds fault in everything we do.
So yesterday I told him I wanted to do something besides sit in "his" house and watch TV all weekend and I even left money out of the equation. He told me to decide what I'd like to do, so I finally told him lets go to a state park and go hiking that's about an hour and a half away, it's a beautiful state park with lots of hiking trails and I told him we can take a picnic basket and make a day of it. So he responds back to me, "so when are you picking me up and also, I don't have a picnic basket", I texted him back and asked him why he was expecting me to pick him up, he said because it was your idea. What he really meant was, you can use up the gas in your car because I didn't suggest this.
My recent post Queen for a Day
IAnd what was worse is that the weekend before that we went to a Museum, of course on my membership card, before we left he texted me at home and asked me if I had had breakfast, I told him no, he wrote back "perfect". He drove straight to the museum, did not even ask me if I wanted a egg McMuffin. We get to the museum and after four hours I was hungry so I walked into the McDonalds in the basement and had to pay for my own food and he tells me "just get me some cookies and coffee."
My recent post Queen for a Day
He claims he earns $50K a year, has no credit card debt and he lives in a very small condo. I broke up with him yesterday; I have bought groceries to put in his house because there was never anything to eat there; I have bought him nice gifts which he never even thanked me for but he got upset with me because I didn't do the gift giving thing like he does, which is you do it when you choose to do it, not because it's expected such as holidays, that was a big no no with him, he refused to buy anyone gifts if he felt it was mandated by hallmark or society, so when I gave him a silk tie that I ordered online and gave it to him earlier telling him that I had originally planned on giving it to him on a holiday, he got upset because I got it to give him on a holiday, no thank you, at all
My recent post Queen for a Day
Do you think he has OCPD? Because I sure do and even though I feel bad for him and love him, I also love myself and if he is not going to try and help himself then I'm not going to be abused just because he refuses to see he has a problem; the only one I can help is myself and all he would end up doing anyway if he wants to continue in his denial, is destroying my life; there's nothing I can do for him, I showed him the signs of OCPD and he agreed that he had all the signs then told me, "don't ever bring that up again". Goodbye and thank God I didn't stick around for more.
My recent post Queen for a Day
1 reply · active 620 weeks ago
Giving armchair diagnoses is never the best idea. Reality is, this man was not meeting your needs and was not willing to even TRY. So, good for you for deciding not to allow yourself to be treated that way.
Very interesting post about mindfulness. Paying attention is the great way of creativity. If any mental disorder occurs in our mind we lose this great ability for a time.
source: http://behaviouralsciences.net
I'm a 22 yr old female diagnosed with ocpd as of today. when i was 18 i started experiencing very intense emotions (severe anxiety, feelings of failure, depression). I have epilepsy and constantly obsess over the possibility i might have a seizure. just living every day life is exhausting. i'm always anxious and always angry. i hate the person ive become.
2 replies · active 530 weeks ago
People used to say that biology was destiny - that is, the way your brain was wired was the way your brain was wired, end of story.

Now, it's true, the way your brain is wired is NOT easy to overcome or to rewire, just as climbing Mt. Everest ain't easy or natural. Yet, it CAN be done; it takes a lot of effort, a lot of pain, a lot of support, but it CAN be done. Science is learning more about neuroplasticity all the time - that is, that the paths the brain is accustomed to travel CAN be rerouted and redirected. People with untreated diabetes can have horrible consequences; people with untreated ocpd can experience painful relationships and struggles with day to day living, but both are conditions that CAN be managed for better living.

Hugs and healing to you, Gabby.
You may want to check out CBD oil and a ketogenic diet for the epilepsy. You may be able to get a prescription for medical marijuana in your state. If not, the CBD oil may help as it does with a lot of autistic kids with seizures. In my state it is perfectly legal and does not get you high.

As for the OCPD, I have heard DBT therapy is very useful. Also I wonder if nutritional therapies would help, like the Wahls Protocol, for example. Amino acids are needed for neurotransmitters, so if you are not getting a nutrient dense diet, that could make your body and brain not function so well. I wish my OCPD husband would follow through with this, but alas, he has nothing wrong with him, sigh!
Is this still an active blog?
I have questions for spouses who are on the receiving end of OCPD
It seems that it is very common for tenderness, love, and sex to be something that evaporates in an OCPD relationship? Certainly is true for me

Brad, age 65
2 replies · active 219 weeks ago
Brad, so very sorry for the VERY late response. Not so active lately, no, but still caring about people with OCPD, and more so, their loved ones.

I hope you've found your way to the ocpd free forums site and found others to give you help and support. {{{{hugs}}}}
Hi Brad, I am 67 and have been on the receiving end for 44 years, just divorced this year. Brad, could not agree more with you about the lack of tenderness, love, sex, compassion, all of the above. As she got older it became even worse
She also works excessively, having no time for leisure or vacations, she obsesses over her children, she is bossy, controlling, catastrophizes small events, a grand sense of self-righteousness, passive aggressive behavior, coldness, rigidity, stubbornness, hypersensitive to criticism, most things are black and white to her, no shades of gray. I began to doubt my own sanity many times.

Don, age 67

Post a new comment

Comments by