A-Z: FOG - That Misty Combination of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt

Fog in Wayanad (Photo credit: Wikipedia)Fog in movies can be comforting or creepy.  Fog in one's head about a relationship can be downright deadly.

When we love someone - be they parent, lover, sibling, friend - we tend to want to do things to please them. I will make this cake/buy this gift/offer this massage, whatever the thing is, we want to do it simply out of love.  Our repayment is the look of delight on our loved one's face.

Sadly, it is easy for the person on the other end, if they are not an emotionally healthy person, and if we do not have strong and healthy boundaries, ourselves, for that to get twisted around into, "If you loved me, you would do ABC for me."  Or, "Obviously, because you won't do XYZ for me, you don't really love me."

We get fogged in, and confused.

From Wikipedia:

According to psychotherapist Susan Forward, who did much to popularise the term,^[4] "emotional blackmail" is a powerful form of manipulation in which blackmailers who are close to the victim threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish them to get what they want. They may know the victim's vulnerabilities and their deepest secrets. "Many of the people who use emotional blackmail are friends, colleagues and family members with whom we have close ties that we want to strengthen and salvage"^[5] - parents, partners, bosses or lovers. No matter how much the blackmailer cares about the victim, they use their intimate knowledge to win compliance.

Knowing that the victim wants love, approval or confirmation of identity, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them or take them away altogether, or make the victim feel they must earn them: "as the power of emotional blackmail indicates, self-identity is inevitably affected by... the 'reaction' of the other",^[6] as is self-esteem. If the victim believes the blackmailer, he/she could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior and become "caught in a sort of psychological fog".^[7]

Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that the victim feels afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and feeling guilty if they don't: indeed Forward and Frazier invent the acronym FOG, standing for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being exposed to emotional blackmail when in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder.^[8]

Fear has to everything to do with gut-level insecurity.  If I don't keep this relationship, I may never have someone to love me the way s/he does. Fear that we're unworthy, that we may be abandoned, all kinds of fears may make us cling to a bad relationship that is hurting us.  Fear makes us hold on, no matter the cost.

Obligation is when we do things because we feel we should, not because we want to.  If we choose to have children or adopt pets, yes, we are obliged to do our best to care for them. Other adults, not so much. If we are married or partnered, we have social obligations towards our partners. Recently I heard a story of a woman whose now elderly mother had mistreated her terribly: always told her she was a burden, that she regretted not having an abortion, beat her frequently, and kicked her out of the house as a very young teenager.  Then had little to do with her for years. Now the mother needs food, shelter, financial help for perhaps 10-20 years, and thinks Darling Daughter is obliged to step up.

IMO, no.  She may choose to do so, or her own free will, but she does not have an obligation to do so.

Guilt and shame are two emotions it's easy to confuse.  According to Brene Brown, shame is feeling bad about ourselves, and guilt is feeling bad because of a specific action/inaction on our parts.  I am a bad/unlovable person vs. I did something wrong and now I need to make it right. When we are in a relationship with an unhealthy person, we may feel guilty for doing things we know aren't "right" in a normal relationship; for example, slipping out to meet a friend for lunch and not telling our partner because we know a scene would result.

The fog is rolling (Photo credit: davidyuweb)

Fear, Obligation, and Guilt are all healthy and appropriate in many circumstances; there is no such critter as a "bad" emotion. But when they swirl together to form a fog, often we cannot think clearly, and really sort out what we really feel about a partner, and what would be a healthy way to behave.

To get out of the FOG, the best solution is a change of climate.  Take as long a vacation with No Contact from the boss/parent/partner as is possible. If appropriate, end the relationship. Additionally - get help - mental health professional, trusted friends, start or continue enjoyable hobbies. Keep a journal.

I have been "out" of the foggy environment for almost two years now, and there are still some wisps and tendrils lingering in some of my thoughts. But it's better every day.

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Have you ever been "fogged in" in a relationship?

Got any other tips for clearing it away?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 5 - Demand Sensitivity: Phantom Obligations

Casper the Friendly Ghost via Wikimedia

This post continues with Demand-Sensitivity and Phantom Obligations from Chapter Five.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

 Demand-Sensitivity

<snip> One aspect of demand-sensitivity is the tendency to "hear" demands or expectations in an exaggerated way.  When the boss says he'd like to have something on his desk by Wednesday, the obsessive person often feels the expectation more acutely than others.  In fact, he often hears more of an imperative than the boss intended.

The obsessive person also exaggerates more subtle or inferred demand.  Suppose, for instance, I've drafted a letter to the editor of the local newspaper and have given it to you, saying, "If you have a chance, let me know what you think of it."  If you're a demand-sensitive obsessive, you'll feel a pressure not only to look over the piece, but to offer helpful suggestions and return the material to me as soon as possible.  While you may not actually do those things, you'll probably perceive my request as much more of a demand than it was, and even resent me for placing such a burden on you!

Many different factors could explain their behavior.  But in these particular cases, the two powerful factors were a special sensitivity to perceived demands of expectations, and a negative inner response to these demands.

PHANTOM OBLIGATIONS

Everyday living presents thousands of situations in which we are expected to conform to certain unstated expectations or conventions.  For instance:

• In most cultures, men are expected to make the first move in dating.
• We are supposed to show deference to our elders, or to our superiors at work.
• Marriage carries with it a tacit imperative to have sex with or show affections to one's spouse.
• We are supposed to be polite.

Whether or not the obsessive person complies with them, he is exquisitely attuned to these and other unstated obligations.  In fact, he hears them as if they were shouted through a bullhorn.  Placed in a new situation, his first concern is getting the lay of the land, discovering what the rules are.  <snip>

***

Nothing wrong with the boss setting a light timeframe on when s/he'd like a report turned in, but yes, I've seen perfectionists driven bonkers by such a "demand."

I think the sex demand-sensitivity is pretty huge, for a lot of people (including me.)  If you are married, or live with a partner, you are supposed to want to have sex with your partner.  Like, all the time, right?  Or, if you've gotten into a routine, you may dread Saturday night (or whenever The Night is).

Reality is, sometimes you don't want to make love.  You truly have a headache, or maybe you're irritated by one thing or another, or you watched a sad/scary movie just a few minutes again and you're not in the mood.  I think those with OCPD may be more sensitive to the implied demand, and thus, more rebellious about this than the average bear, but I could be mistaken.

Do you have a story about of demand-sensitivity?
Or is me asking for a comment like shouting through a bullhorn?