Holidays aren't always happy, especially if we're mourning the loss of someone we love. The people we love are supposed to stay with us forever, dammit!
This year, I am mourning my beautiful, talented and very dear friend Sidney Patrick. I'm also mourning someone I worked with, who was murdered on November 30. And the children of Sandy Hook, the tragedy and horror of which makes my heart physically ache. On a lesser scale, I'm remembering others I've loved and lost over the years.
It can be so complicated. Is it a betrayal of our deceased loved ones if we have happy moments? Is it a betrayal of them if we don't have those happy moments?
This beautiful handmade blanket was given to me as a keepsake by Sid's mother.
I've decided to just BE in the moment, to let myself laugh and cry and smile and be pensive, as the spirit moves me. To be grateful that I have so many wonderful friends and family who support me. To clutch my blankie as needed.
And I've decided to join in a small blogfest, Hugs for the Holidays, a way to support those for whom the holidays this year are not so Happy.
Here's the deets:
We have multiple link-ups on the sites below, where you can comment and/or link up according to the type of loss with which you are dealing. We have also created a Pinterest board called Hugs for the Holidays and will be pinning many of your posts there as well, if you would like to follow it.
You can link up anything you would like to share about your lost loved one: a link to a Facebook photo/post, a blog post about a particular memory, a Pinterest pin sharing how you cope, whatever you would like others to read or see. The link ups will be displayed as follows:
If you have had a miscarriage, stillbirth or loss of an infant link here: fourplusanangel.com
Please visit the host sites, and leave your own comments and feelings, if you too are experiencing mixed feelings this holiday season. Join in with your own post and link, if you blog. Or your tips for resisting the urge to punch some well-meaning person in the face when they became too merry with holiday spirit(s) to take a hint and back off.
Feel free to leave a comment here, too, of course.
Peace, healing, and yes, joy to you, in spite of everything.
This post continues with The Costs of Workaholism: The Poisoning of Personal Relationships - Forgotten Friendshipsfrom Chapter Nine.
This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD,
each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the
FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.
Too Perfect: When
Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and
Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. If you believe
you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether
that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for
additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.
Forgotten Friendships
<snip> Maintaining a happy family life and developing close friendships contribute immeasurably to one's fulfillment in life. But it's amazing how many workaholics fail to see time spend on relationships as productive. They may pay lip service to the importance of their relationships, and indeed often truly value them. But at the same time their behavior betrays the hidden conviction that's it's somehow more important to put one's time and energy into work than into friends and family.
<snip>... he agreed to refrain from doing any work for one entire weekend. When I asked him how it went, he told me he'd been plagued by the feeling that he was wasting time, that he should have been accomplishing something.
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Victoria and I spent the whole weekend just playing together. We went sailing on Saturday and went for a long hike on Sunday. We really relaxed."
"But you just said you didn't get anything accomplished."
"I meant work!" he laughed.
One reason workaholics like Larry may see "fun weekends" (and other leisure activities as being "wasted" time is that the good relationships, personal fulfillment, and increased self-awareness that spring from such time are not as concrete as the most common reward for long, hard work, namely money.
***
My ex often talked about how wonderful and valuable friendships were, but like the examples, totally begrudged spending time on them. He made so many excuses to stop playing guitar with his best friend that the friend eventually stopped inviting him. Likewise his own family; valuable as a concept, but invitations were frequently declined.
We entertained very little, because he had these rules... No one was to just drop in, ever. (I used to have friends dropping by all the time.) He couldn't stand the thought of having more than six people over at one time, including the two of us, even though we had a huge yard perfect for entertaining. So we could only invite four people, EVER. Once, when an invited guest declined and I invited someone else in their place, another conniption fit, because I didn't ask him first if it was okay to invite this other friend, though it wasn't going over the "six or less" headcount.
English: Independence Day fireworks, San Diego. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
He was jealous of events I went to with my friends, though most often, he refused to join me. Or, if he went, would throw a scene. One particularly bad one was at a July 4 party. He felt one of my friends had snubbed him, and he wanted to leave, right that very minute. (I had driven, as I normally did, so he could drink.) Well, the fireworks were going on, right that very minute. I refused to leave until the fireworks were over, because I didn't think it was safe to drive distracted, and with people often setting off bootleg fireworks in the street. Suggested he go sit in the car if he wanted to pout, and I would be willing to leave about fifteen minutes after the fireworks ended.
So, he left, walking. (The friend of mine throwing the party lived in a suburb about 30 miles from our house.) This was before I knew about OCPD, so I spent an hour driving around looking for him. Called his best friend, who hadn't heard from him. Finally I went home, and eventually he showed up. He walked for a while and then I think he took a cab.
End result - I was much less eager to invite him on outings with my friends, and since he mostly declined invites from his... our social circle constricted considerably. I would advise anyone in a relationship with a workaholic and/or OCPD'r to not let your partner's excuses suffocate your social life. If anything, you need your friends even more.
Are your friendships not given space, time, or energy? Is "just hanging out with friends" frowned upon?
You ever fall in love, and at first, you're so happy and delighted with one another, you spend most of your time in a happy little cocoon, shutting out the rest of the world? You might not even want to be separated from your new love long enough to bathe.
This may be natural, but as time goes in, in a normal relationship, you begin integrating family and friends back into your activities. You want your best friend to know (and love) your guy; he wants his mother to meet and like you.
In a normal relationship.
In a relationship with a disordered person, the "I want you all to myself" phase continues, although the state of happiness goes from being constant to being rare.
They may smother you with attention, so you can't have contact with other people without their presence. They may complain that your family/friends have been horribly rude to them.
Usually it's not a deliberate, Machiavellian plot to isolate you and make you dependent on the abuse. The disordered person may not even be consciously aware of what s/he is doing.
IMPOSED SOCIAL ISOLATION
Imposed social isolation occurs with such frequency in domestic abuse that it deserves an independent classification. Partners are robbed of contact with other people, including family, friends, children and other loved ones to create a social deprivation that often causes the victim to be more reliant on the abuser while simultaneously preventing him from seeking support or successfully leaving the relationship. The following behaviors are the most commonly used in the imposition of social isolation:
blame of partner's friends or family for the couple's relationship problems
monitoring phone calls, mail, or visits.
demanding an accounting of partner's daily activities
insulting, threatening or assaulting partner's friends/family, driving people out of his life.
forcing partner to choose between the couple relationship and loved ones.
creating public scenes or disturbances when the partner is out with others.
stalking partner or other forms of surveillance.
If you have a partner who manages to throw a scene nearly every time you go out to dinner with another couple... you're going to cut back on evenings out. Or if, every time you go out with your friends for a girls or guys night out, and return to Armageddon, even though on the surface your partner may agree that you have every right to do so, over time, you may decide the pleasure and relief is outweighed by the cost.
Imposed Isolation - Isolation from friends, family and supportive communities is common among victims of abuse. Isolation is sometimes caused by an abusive person who does not want their victim to have close relationships with others who may challenge their behavior. Often, isolation is self-imposed by abuse victims, who out of a sense of shame or guilt, fear the judgment of others.
Sometimes, people with personality disorders use a technique of "Divide and Conquer" to retain control over the people closest to them. One of the most effective ways to maintain an abusive cycle is to ensure that the abuse victim does not have access to outside support. People who represent social rivals or who have a close relationship with Non-PD's are often criticized, split black, and made unwelcome and the Non-PD is warned to stay away.
Often, those who are victims of abuse participate willingly in the isolation because they are afraid of what might happen if they reach out to others:
Other's [sic] might not believe them
Other's [sic] might spread embarrassing gossip about them.
Others might try to intervene in a counter-productive way.
The abuser may find out and punish them.
Examples of Isolation
A woman is afraid to spend an evening with her friends because she knows her husband is jealous of the relationship she has with them and is afraid of how he will react when she comes home.
A man is afraid to call his parents long-distance because he knows his wife is jealous of them and will complain about the cost.
A young girl is afraid to spend time with peers because she is ashamed of her family abuse and does not want others to find out what goes on in her home.
A mother of a girl who has attempted suicide does not attend social gatherings because she is afraid people might ask how her daughter is doing.
A man will not speak to others about his wife's abuse of him because he is afraid he will look weak.
What NOT to Do:
Don't assume you are the only person in the world who is going through what you are.
Don't be ashamed of your situation.
Don't blame yourself for someone else's bad behavior.
Don't let yourself become Isolated.
What TO Do:
Remember there are millions of people going through the same thing.
Find people who understand Personality Disorders and who understand what you are going through.
Find A friend, therapist, coach or mentor who you can trust and visit with them regularly.
Pick the lesser of two evils - it is hard to break the silence but it is even harder to struggle alone.
If you are in a relationship and realize that you've become isolated, do everything you can to maintain or re-establish your lifelines to the outside world. Your number one job is to maintain your own safety and sanity, not to preserve the relationship at any cost.
My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.
Have you even been emotionally isolated by a partner or parent?
Have you been concerned about a loved one
whose partner seems abusive?
This post continues with Rising Above Perfection: PERFECTLY HUMAN & OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT, from Chapter Three.
This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.
Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.
Rising Above Perfectionism
The ultimate irony - and tragedy of perfectionism is that it simply doesn't work. It's supposed to earn you rave reviews and exempt you from criticism. Instead it damages both your work and your relationships, and puts you under an unrelenting pressure. If you've concluded that your perfectionism is hurting you, you can make changes.
PERFECTLY HUMAN
Part of the Perfectionist's Credo is the notion that other people won't like you as well if you make a mistake, or you don't know things, or you allow your faults to show through. In fact, the opposite is true. Your need to be right all the time often repels friends and associates.
Nobody will ever feel empathy for you, love you, or enjoy being close to you simply because you are right or because you hardly ever make mistakes. <snip>
And the next time you're wrong about something, just admit it. Don't explain why you made the mistake. Don't show how anyone would have made that mistake under the circumstances. Don't insist that your answer actually was correct but was misunderstood.
Just confess, "I was wrong about that." Then start counting the people who shrink away from you. I'm exaggerating, of course. But when you start letting your fallibility show, when you let go of your need to know everything and to show how smart you are, you'll feel a burden being lifted. You'll feel more relaxed. It will be easier to smile. You'll be free! And these changes will occur the very first time you suppress your perfectionistic need to be infallible.
OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT
If you find yourself shrinking from certain activities because you dread being embarrassed, ask yourself two questions: Are your social fears and inhibitions preventing you from reaching your full potential or enjoying life? And are you willing to endure a certain amount of anxiety to overcome the problem?
<snip> For example, if you dread giving oral presentations, start by asking questions as an audience member. Don't wait until you have something brilliant to say. Say anything. <snip>
Follow the same gradual approach in other frightening situations. Take classes that force you to perform in front of others. Join walking groups, Give parties. Tell yourself that it won't be awful if your nervousness shows, or if you make a silly blunder. When these things do happen, and they will, refuse to allow yourself to feel humiliated. Concentrate on the fact that these missteps make you more attractive, not less so. You come through as a genuine, vulnerable human being. People can connect with you.
***
I wanted to show the karaoke clip from My Best Friend's wedding, but all the ones that had been posted online have been removed, per Sony. If you've seen it, forgive me for the short explanation.
Julianne (portrayed by Julia Roberts) has decided to recapture the love of her best friend, who's engaged to marry Kimmy (Cameron Diaz). She finds out that Kimmy, who has a terrible singing voice, also has a horrible fear of singing in public and exposing this. So Julianne maneuvers the group to a karaoke place and pressures Kimmy to get onstage and sing, figuring that either a terrible performance, or an emotional meltdown will destroy Michael's (Dermot Mulroney) respect and admiration for this girl.
Kimmy is, in fact, woefully bad. Bring-on-the-howling-dogs bad. But Julianne's plan backfires, because Michael (Dermot Mulroney) finds Kimberly's courage and willingness to look bad in front of a crowded room just one more reason to love her.
Okay, this is Hollywood. And I'm not suggesting that all the bad singers out there (you know who you are!) start crowding karaoke bars. (Please don't!) But I can testify that similar things have happened in my own life. Whenever I have gone out on a limb in some way, I get more admiration and approval than if I'd just hung back and taken the safe route.
Take writing. Besides this blog, I've completed a couple of novels, and am working on another one. I sent umpteen queries (70+) and pages before getting an agent. (And I've gotten dozens more rejections via said agent, but still.) I plan to be, I expect to be, a published writer in the not too distant future. But even if that never happens, I know I'm a lot further along that goal than somebody who writes and secretes her writing in a box on the closet shelf, even if she's twenty times better a writer than I am. Because I was willing to take that chance.
You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take. ~Wayne Gretzky
I'm also trying to tone down my own tendency towards Know-It-All-Ism. Yes, I'm a fairly intelligent woman, and I've learned a lot at the School of Hard Knocks. There's still more that I don't know, than I do. Maybe I can win some respect, and admiration for being a Know-It-All, but love? Close connection with other flawed human beings? Not happening.
Nobody will ever feel empathy for you, love you, or enjoy being close to you simply because you are right or because you hardly ever make mistakes. That phrase should be embroidered on a pillow or perhaps tattooed on my forehead, backwards, so I can see it every morning when I look in the mirror.
So many times I watched my OCPD ex launch into Know-It-All mode and begin lecturing our friends and family, seeing their eyes glaze over, seeing him ignore all their efforts to change the subjects. My heart would ache, because I could see how very badly he wanted the admiration and approval of others - and how what he was doing had the exact opposite effect. I felt horribly embarrassed and sad for him. (Which, of course, is textbook co-dependence on my part - I should not have "imported" embarrassment or sadness on behalf of another person. I'm workin' on it.)
There's only one Mr. Know-It-All people really appreciate.
Let me recommend, if you're a perfectionist yourself, another way of fighting your lions.
Have you ever gone out on a limb, and been glad you did?
“Fear makes strangers of those who would be friends.” -Shirley MacLaine
For a long time, I kept my social circle small because it felt safe and controllable, but I’ve learned that the best things in life are rarely either of those things.
Only when we let our guards down can we let people touch us, stretch us, and change our lives for the better.
And you never know who might do that.
That acquaintance who you don’t fully understand may be someone who is dealing with the same exact struggles you face, just waiting to receive and give support. That stranger who has different beliefs may have an entirely different way but the exact same will.
We really aren’t all that different, and if we choose to, we can touch and be touched by countless people all throughout our lives.
Today if you find yourself shutting down around new people, remember how good it feels when someone smiles at you. Then give that feeling to them. Nothing creates possibilities like the choice to open up to them.
***
I have found friends in the most unexpected places - and they have SAVED me. (In fact, it was a close friend who pointed me to Tiny Buddha, which I am now Following and love.)
I like the way this quote - about fear keeping people from becoming friends, and Lori's article about wanting to keep one's circle of friends small and controllable, relates to all or-nothing-thinking.
As a teenager, I used to think that a friend was somebody you could always count on, no matter what. Somebody who would drop everything in their own life (of course, as teenagers we thought we had soooo many responsibilities to drop, lol!) and come rushing to your side if you were in trouble. But the reality is, nobody can be everything to us at all times. Even the best of friends have other calls on their time, energy and emotions, and that's okay.
A few years ago, while I was going through the worst turmoil over my OCPD then-boyfriend, my dear (Tiny Buddha) friend was losing her husband to a terminal illness. We were still in touch, but I wasn't supporting her on a daily basis, nor was she supporting me in that way. Betrayal, by either of us? Hardly.
Since then, we've been very supportive of each other, but the fact remains, at least at this time, I can't fully empathize with what it feels like to lose one's beloved soulmate to a horrible disease. (And not to be terribly selfish, but I'm hoping I never can.) She needs other friends, not just me, people who can relate to that experience, and I need friends who understand what it's like to live with somebody who has (undiagnosed) OCPD.
I need (and have found, kisses to you all!) friends who can relate to how/why I got into it, who agonized over staying in for years, as I did, who "get" why I finally had to leave, and who have gone through recovering their own souls, in the aftermath. And they don't all need to be the same person.
This is why a wide circle of friends is so important, and so wonderful. This is why it can be so dreadful to be a Perfectionist who cuts people off at the first "failure." The strength in a safety net is not simply that it has two or four really strong ropes, but that it has many ropes, interwoven. Sometimes one rope can't support you - but another six can.
I have friends who can relate to my recovery from being with OCPD - and others who have no clue. I have friends who are also parents - and others who aren't. I have crafter friends, and fellow bloggers, and wonderful co-workers I like to chat with; friendly neighbors and crazy cat lovers and friends who are also on journeys of intuitive eating.
I have friends who share my political and religious beliefs - and others who most definitely do not. I have friends who love to read, or watch chick flicks. I have fabulous family members who would be cherished friends even if we weren't related. I have friends I haven't met yet - either online or in any other way. I just know they're out there, somewhere. And every single friend supports me and makes my life richer in some glorious way.
Exciting, beautiful, kind friends, I am grateful to you all.
