Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem & Independence

Be a dragon - fiercely guarding your independence.

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence

Many obsessives hate to be dependent upon anything or anyone; they equate dependency with vulnerability. Unconsciously they feel that allowing their lives to revolve around another person would leave them open to utter devastation - should the other person turn against them, for example, or stop loving them, or even die. As a result, most don't let themselves depend too heavily even upon their closest friends and lovers.

<snip> For one thing, if you've made yourself completely dependent upon him, the obsessive may feel that you've imposed on him the frightening or burdensome responsibility of being absolutely indispensable to your emotional well-being. Given his need for a sense of options and freedom, this may both frighten and anger him.

<snip>Another aspect of being emotionally dependent on a relationship is that your sense of worth comes to rely upon feedback from the other person. Even minor variations in that feedback may cause your self-esteem and sense of security to plunge or soar. You're really setting yourself up for emotional turbulence if you rely too heavily upon approval or praise from some obsessives, because they aren't particularly good at expressing these things. Remember: their style of perception is to notice and be bothered by what's not right with things. And their need to guard their emotions may make it hard for them to show positive feelings or appreciation.

Cross the bridge, if you dare!

<snip> Start by trying to rediscover who you are - who you were before you met the other person. Work on developing separate interests and then pursue them vigorously, just as you would have if you had not become involved at this time. Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.

As you struggle to establish your separate self, feelings of anxiety and insecurity may assail you. You may feel empty or isolated at first. You may worry that you are jeopardizing the relationship by not paying it enough attention. Fight these feelings!  Try to act as if you felt strong and safe. Don't let the other person get the idea that your happiness or security depends entirely upon reassurance from him or her. More important, don't you accept that notion as unalterable true, because it isn't.

What is true is that at some point your friend or lover could decide to end the relationship, and you have no control over that. Throughout this book, I've discussed self-defeating aspects of the obsessive's need for complete control. The same dynamic applies to you. The more you attempt to mold your relationship, the more vigilantly you watch over it, the more likely you are to poison it. In some respects, the commitment-fearing obsessive is like a cat: most likely to remain close to you when you're absorbed in your own interests and to scoot away when you embrace it too vigorously.

Learn to accept the fact that any relationship could end. Find a way to resign yourself to that possibility. It's true that it would be extremely painful, but in the vast majority of cases, that pain is temporary. Don't think for a moment that you couldn't get through it. You could. And just as you have before, you would eventually find happiness with someone else.

***

The reflection enhances the bridge,
but the bridge exists, even if there was no reflection.
You are the bridge, not the reflection.

Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.  To me, this is the key sentence of the entire book, for partners, children, siblings, and co-workers of a Perfectionist Personality.  (Though you need to read the entire book to "get" the full picture of why obsessives behave as they do, and why hoovering and being enmeshed doesn't make things better, but instead is gasoline on the fire.)

No matter how much time, energy, and effort you pour into a relationship, you yourself can't fix it. What you can do is make things better for yourself, rediscover who you are.

Maybe you liked to paint, or bake bread, or carve wood, and were dissuaded, over time, because your partner was dismayed by the mess. Reclaim that hobby.  Maybe you used to meet once a week with friends to discuss reading or writing, and gave it up because you were tired of coming home to World War Three. (I know I did.)  Put it back on your schedule. Maybe you love exploring local museums and gardens - get a friend, or go on your own, if your partner hates that kind of thing.

 It will be hard.  You will get blowback, Your partner may pout, throw tantrums, or try to sabotage your efforts to reclaim your soul. Do it anyway. 

look at the variety of color in these roses!

 Eventually they may see that no matter what they say or do, you're going to go for coffee with your girlfriends on Thursday nights, or spend Saturday mornings working on your classic car - whatever YOUR "thing" is, as long as you still leave time for family activities (don't go overboard and spend all your time on you), they have no grounds to complain.  They will probably complain anyway, and it will be hard, and you will feel exhausted at first, but over time, you will feel the abandoned garden of your life sprouting roses again.

Remember not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It is enough to tell your partner, "Honey, I've decided to rejoin my Sunday night writers' group, starting this weekend. I'll be leaving at 6:30 on those nights and home around 10:30."

"Why? "
"Because I want to."
"But we usually spend Sunday nights watching TV. I guess you don't love me anymore, if you don't want to spend any time together.  And how will you ever be ready for work on Monday morning when you're out partying with your friends till late Sunday night?"
"Hon? Love you, done talking about this."
"But-"
"Done. Talking."

A real Wisteria Lane.

Did I mention it will be hard? The enmeshment probably happened slowly, gradually, and now it is as deep-rooted as ivy that has choked off every inch of the garden.  You might not feel like you know who "you" are, anymore, but whatever roles you fill: daughter, sister, aunt, mother, wife, friend, co-worker - you are MORE than that. You need to tap down to the root of you, water and fertilize it.

As mentioned in Too Perfect, if you depend upon a person who's hard-wired to notice flaws, to notice and compliment all your good qualities, you are doomed to disappointment. You must find a way to fill yourself up, separate and apart from your interactions with that person, no matter who s/he is or how long your relationship has lasted (if it's a parent, it's been your whole life).

If you reclaim you, your relationship may survive; it may improve, or it may end. But if your relationship is built upon you killing and sacrificing everything you love to do, everything that feeds your soul and makes you feel good about yourself, then are "you" really in that relationship, anyway?

Your thoughts?All photos, except for the Too Perfect book link, were taken by the author
at Pasadena's Huntington Gardens.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Don't Pressure the Obsessive

via Flickr Creative Commons

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 5 - Don't Pressure the Obsessive from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

5 - Don't Pressure the Obsessive

What about when you want the obsessive to do something - anything from making a simple decision to changing some deeply entrenched pattern?

Be forewarned: any direct confrontation in which you try to force the other person to change is almost certainly doomed to failure. Your request or demand will only increase his inclination to assert his dominance or "rightness," escalating the power struggle.

<snip>He and a fellow lawyer were choosing between two available offices in a building they planned to share. Hal, my patient, was perfectly content to give his associate first choice, but the other man was vacillating, holding up Hall's move into the new quarters. Hal related one of their conversations:

"Once again, I asked him which one he wanted, and he told me he still couldn't decide. Since he'd been leaning toward number two, I told him that he could have it and I would take the other one. But he hit the roof, telling me that he hadn't said he wanted number two, and that the rent was higher. So I said, 'Okay. You take number one, and I'll take number two.'

"'Number one is too small.'

"'Would you rather I choose?'

"'No! I was here first, so I think I deserve first choice.'

"'Do you have any idea when you'll know which office you want?'

"'I don't know'."

via Flickr Creative Commons

At first, maybe the other man's goal really was, as he consciously believed, to pick the office that best suited his needs; secondarily, he may have enjoyed the sense of control he felt in making Hal wait. But when Hal pressured him, that changed. The associate became more invested in keeping the control, which he did by obstructing Hal.  The more impatient Hal got, the more determined the other was to delay his decision, because by now he as angry. He couldn't show it directly because he had no logical reason for it. So instead he unconsciously retaliated by blocking Hal.

I suggested that Hal try backing off completely - that he tell the associate to take his time and call whenever he had decided. When I saw Hal a week later, he said that given that leeway, his associate had decided instantly.

<snip>Instead of saying, "You must change," for example, make sure you're conveying, "I would like you to do this, for reasons x, y, and z." If you have to know your boss's plans by a certain date, tell him so, but be sure to explain why, so that he doesn't interpret your need to know as an ultimatum, a control play, or manipulation. Your reasons should always reflect your own needs, or your difficulty with the status quo, rather than a judgment about the obsessive's behavior. For instance, say, "If I don't find out your plans by such-and-such a time, I won't be able to obtain a reduced-rate ticket," not, "I hate it when you do this to me. You always make me wait, and it's so inconsiderate!"

<snip> While change in the obsessive must come from within, sometimes healthy, truly unilateral changes in one partner will inspire changes in the other. We aren't truly sure why this happens, but some would say that one person's chronic tardiness and its outcome - the partner's nagging and pushing him - is a recreation of some aspect of a childhood relationship, and that it suits some need in each party. This view says that one one refuses to continue in the role of nagging, disappointed, disapproving parent, the other loses his unwitting collaborator and drops the corresponding role.

***

via Flickr Creative Commons

Tiptoeing around The Right Way to approach the Perfectionist Personality can be a minefield.  

While yes, much tact is needed, and Mallinger's excellent suggestions to back off if possible, or to give the reason in a non-judgmental way do work much of the time, sometimes they don't.

My advice is, if you do your best to be tactful and non-pressuring, and your partner or parent blows up anyway, don't take it personally. I've heard of teens (or younger children) getting blasted because they had to get a parent's signature on a field trip permission slip or a report card by a certain date, and they didn't ask in the right way or at the right moment.  Now, perhaps they didn't use ultimate tact or timing, but they're kids - they shouldn't have to.

There are several families I know whose best working solution to time conflicts is to take two separate vehicles to most social events. Maybe the Perfectionist insists on being places twenty minutes early, no matter what, and frets over being asked to wait when he is ready to leave. Maybe the Perfectionist waits until the last minute to do her hair and is always running late.  Maybe one member of the household likes to hang around and socialize after church, and the other wants to head straight home the moment the service ends. By taking two vehicles, the power squabble about when to leave is averted, even if it creates a slightly bigger gasoline bill and a few raised eyebrows from family or friends. (If anyone even notices. Outsiders generally notice less about our internal family dynamics than we think they do, and they care even less, being busy with their own affairs.)

Some things, you have to jump on at the right moment - if you have a plane reservation at XX time, and there's a shuttle picking your family up at XX time to catch that reservation, you'll either make it or miss it, Sweetcheeks.  Other events, like a family car road trip - if your goal is leaving at five a.m., and instead you leave at five-fifteen, or even six, this is not a national disaster.

What is very true about this section of Too Perfect, is the observation when you change your habitual behavior, the dynamic in the relationship will change. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, sometimes it's not possible to determine in which direction it is, but it will be different.

When most people discover OCPD, and make an amateur diagnosis of their partner, parent, friend or co-worker, the first question is usually, "How do I change or fix this person?'

The answer, that you can't change other people, only yourself, feels weird, wrong, and counter-intuitive. Hey, they are the people with the problem! Whaddya mean, I have to change myself?

But it's true. First off, just because they (might) have a diagnosable mental disorder, does not mean those of us who chose to partner them, or work with them, or who are unchosen (siblings, children, parents, and so on) are totally disorder-free. We may very well have our own Issues ("Can you say co-dependence, boys and girls?"), and would do well to heed the Bible's advice about removing the beam from our own eye, as a first step.

Second, what we are looking to change is not really the other person, but the dynamics of our relationship with the other person.  Our relationship with this person, about whom we care deeply (or perhaps hate, in the case of the Boss from Hell), is currently very painful, and we want it to be Not Painful. Joyous, even.

There is no fairy wand we can wave and !Poof! The other person is no longer obsessive and perfectionistic.

But when we change the "ballet" we've worked out - and there always is one, when Person A says/does X, Person B replies Y - we are already shaking things up. Doesn't matter if we are Person A or Person B, if we change the way we approach or reply to another person, they are forced to rethink and change the way they interact with us.

Does it work?
Yes and no. It depends on what we are looking for.

If we hope there is some magic formula, that, when applied, will make a relationship with a disordered person (not counting the we ourselves may have disorders of our own) into a quote normal unquote relationship, then no, it doesn't work. What is possible (sometimes) is a relationship that is more tolerable and less painful for us.  Sometimes it may feel like what we consider normal, but we can never let our guard down, never assume that yippee, the problems are all better now. A disordered brain is like a roller skate that always wants to go left - it takes active awareness and effort to make it go right or straight, and the minute you let it go on autopilot, you end up going left again. If we are skating arm in arm with the person with the gimpy skate, we cannot blithely follow their lead.

And sometimes, the other person may become so frustrated and upset that we have chosen to make major changes in the relationship dynamic, that they choose to end it, altogether.  There are no guarantees (and sometimes, the partner of a disordered person might do anything and everything his/her partner requests, and the disordered person STILL ends the relationship).

If you are hurting, and the way your current relationship is "working" is not working, for you, isn't it worth trying a different approach?

Your thoughts?

The Hoover Has Lost Its Suction

Early electric vacuum cleaner by Electric Suction Sweeper Company, circa 1908, predecessor of Hoover vacuum cleaner (1922). Exhibit in National Museum of American History, Washington, DC, USA. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I started this blog, I had recently moved out from a home I shared with my (undiagnosed) OCPD boyfriend, though at the time we were continuing to "date."  As things progressed, I realized I was not and never could be happy with him, and decided to make an official split after the New Year, about three years ago.

And then, I couldn't wait. I couldn't, absolutely could NOT, be "with him" to ring in the New Year as part of a couple, when I was all but chewing my own leg off to be completely free. So, I made an official break with him, in between Christmas and before New Year's, though we have "stayed friends," and I have seen him from time to time.

And he is... not, miraculously, cured. He is always on his best behavior when we meet or speak, and hoovers as best he can. He tells me he loves me, he thinks of me every day, misses me, blah blah, and yet

• He has not made a move to get of  any of the items that cluttered our home and garage. In fact, the hoard has increased in the room that had been our shared office.
• He has not "had time" to set up the computer I gave him over two years ago when his old one was failing. (He has no real day job, and he used to work on computers for a living, so it's not beyond his skillset.)
• He is very proud of his anorectic "discipline" in losing weight and fitting into his older jeans. (He was 160 lbs on a 6'1" frame - he looks to have lost at least 10-15 lbs. And he's critical of me because I have gone in the opposite direction.)
• He continues in monologue "loops" repeating the same thing 3-5 times in the course of several minutes. Much of what I say to him doesn't "stick" in his memory till the next time we talk, and his "conversation" is more a kind of verbal diarrhea/loosing the floodgates. There is no interrupting, changing the subject, or squeezing a word in edgewise until he's talked himself out.
• I don't know if he is drinking to excess all the time, but he seems to do it quite a bit before he calls me, or on the rare occasions we've visited together. Doesn't help the monologuing.

He's made various attempts to control me, to no avail. For instance, there was a family event to which we were both invited, in September. (One of the reasons I can't entirely cut him out of my life, he has a decades-long friendship with several members of my family.) He called to ask if I could give him a ride to/from the event (in theory, so he could save on gas, but actually, so he could drink). I said I would, but as part of the event included a religious ceremony beforehand, I would need to pick him up at XX time.

Well, he didn't want to go to the religious ceremony. It would be too hot, he whined. (This was three weeks before the event.) I said, yep, it's hot right now, it could very well still be hot then, or it might not, but I was going to the religious ceremony, so if he wanted to ride with me, he'd have to deal with it.  Or we could see if another family member could give him a ride, and I could give him a ride home afterwards. Then he got all snippy about how he was perfectly capable of getting there by himself and didn't need a ride from me. I think he thought I'd apologize for offending him, as I would've done, back in the day, but I just said, "Okay, whatever."

At the event, he fastened himself to my side like a barnacle.  Which was fine; it was a very noisy venue, and it wasn't like I was planning to pick up a date or engage in serious conversation there anyway.  Then he left in somewhat of a tiff because he got offended at something or I wasn't paying him enough attention, who knows?! I think he was simply overwhelmed - by the crowd, by the noise - and because he was driving, he wasn't able to drink enough to quell his anxiety.

I had him over for drinks on Thanksgiving - but did not ask him to stay for dinner, and declined his invitation to come to his place (our old place) for dinner, but did go see him last weekend, though NOT on Christmas itself nor Christmas Eve.

 Oh, hilarious, I showed him a recent picture of one of my sisters, who he knows, and he thought she looked "scary" because she was wearing "too much makeup." (Trust me, she wasn't, and even if she was, he thought saying that would endear him to me?)

On TV, because he always has the TV on, he had on some surfing documentary (he surfed as a teen, before he decided he hated the beach because it has icky sand and salt water). Primed by that, he engaged in his lecture mode which I remember so well. Obviously, he'd seen the program before - perhaps several times. He would parrot the points the narrator had either just made or was about to make, seemingly unaware that he wasn't bringing anything new to the table. He used to do this several times a week when I was living with him, and it drove me crazy. Now I find it pitiful and only slightly annoying, though I also know I could NEVER stand a steady diet of it again.

I noticed the sofa and chair are now entirely covered by towels and blankets, so as to keep the material from getting soiled.  He kept offering me food and drinks, trying to press me to drink something more, something more even though I declined.

War Horse (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We also watched a movie he wanted to share with me. (I brought one down with me I thought he'd like, but he couldn't deal with a change of plans.) So we saw War Horse, which I did enjoy very much, though I found I had to slip into old habits to block out his babbling during the movie. At a few dramatic scenes, he held my hand, and I let him, but I felt... nothing for this alcoholic old man, almost 60 now, but pity and revulsion.


It's so sad, all in all. I know he is bitterly lonely. All these things are his efforts to connect; he just doesn't have in him a way to connect that is real and honest and interesting.  At the risk of being rude, I will say it - he BORES me now. His old man crochets and his whining fussiness and his monologuing and his nervous chain smoking...

Yuck, I came home and couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, as despite the many smokeless ashtrays and air cleaners my clothes smelled like an ashtray.

The single, part-time job he has - being property manager of his little house, and one up front - has now thrown him for a tizzy because he may have to find new renters for the front house.  Which means he might have to go online (he's kept subscriptions to all the movie channels, but not for internet access, because I paid for that, and he can't afford the expense. *snort*)  I suggested that he get internet access, or go online through his best buddy, or at the library. (In other words, don't look at me, dude.)

He tried all the rehearsed moves he had made decades before, the husky whispers, the "I'm still so in love with you," and they left me cold. His lips have apologized many times for hurting me - but he never really understood how and why he hurt me, and he still doesn't.  The last time I tried to discuss one of the more egregious instances, he insisted that "in an emergency situation" ( a hot water pipe had burst) he was entitled to scream obscenities at me (for not mopping the floor fast enough). While I held to the bizarre notion that even in a true, life-threatening emergency - which that was not - neither of us had the right to scream obscenities at one another, but were still obligated to treat each other with dignity and respect, even if we got excited and raised our voices.

Of course, he has no intention of getting professional help for body or mind.  Doesn't need it; can't afford it.

Although he is showing few signs of the explosive anger that used to frighten me back in the day, I'm not convinced it's gone. He cried over the Sandy Hook massacre, but I'm not entirely sure he won't "suicide by cop" someday, or decide to punish me for humiliating him via this blog, or when I begin dating again.  I don't expect it, I have no grounds to report him as an imminent threat to me or himself, but it wouldn't surprise me. Like the guy who just ambushed the firefighters in Webster, New York, my ex is not in his right mind, AND he has a cache of several weapons and plenty of ammo.  So, I will be careful, and continue to keep contact between us to the minimum, with no false promises or hints of reconciliation on my end.

I can and do pity the man, but the Hoover has lost all suction for me.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Don't Be Pressured Into Disavowing Your Own Feelings and Preferences

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 4 - Don't Be Pressured into Disavowing Your Own Feelings and Preferences from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If  you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

4 - Don't Be Pressured into Disavowing Your Own Feelings and Preferences

Even if you can't win a debate demonstrating the superiority of your position, you are still entitled to your own view. You should feel free to assert that right.

Unless you're equally obsessive, you're probably no match for an obsessive in an argument. Obsessives spend their lives analyzing things; they're experts at it. But just because a course of action seems to be more efficient, practical, or logical to him or her, you still don't have to choose it. Don't be shamed or bullied into doing so. <snip>

<snip> If something truly conflicts with your values (e.g., a disagreement about how to handle your children, or some other important matter), listen to his arguments and think it over when you're alone. Then figure out what your position is, and reopen the discussion. Don't give in just to silence him or her. Don't be afraid to ask for time to think it over.

***

One of the biggest issues I had with my ex was him not being able to accept that we were different people, in different skins. When, in his opinion, there was no REASON for me to feel cold, he became highly offended when I felt cold, anyway.  Obviously I was just doing it to piss him off. I tried for two years to think myself warm, before deciding, "Screw this, I'm putting another blanket on my side of the bed."  After that I probably got an extra hour's sleep each night, which I badly needed, instead of lying in bed, too cold to fall asleep.

Chick Corea & Return to Forever via last.fm

We had many common interests and beliefs, but sometimes we diverged. We went to a Return to Forever concert. For him, it was like Jesus and the Beatles rolled into one concert. And I was delighted - for him, that he enjoyed it so. For me, meh. Parts of it I enjoyed, and I could appreciate the level of artistry and musicianship, but it wasn't my kind of music.  Again, he tried very hard to talk me into liking it more on the drive home.  He couldn't let it be that we could have different thoughts, feelings and tastes. He frequently claimed he could tell exactly what I thought and felt - and he was almost always wrong.

One of my friends related a story that once with her partner, they were discussing a favorite restaurant, and he was recalling how much she liked some particular dish. She gently corrected him, "It wasn't terrible, but actually, honey, I didn't care for it that much, and I wouldn't order it again for myself." This turned into a twenty-five minute harangue where he tried to convince her she really loved that dish, after all.

Is it worth fighting about for twenty-five minutes whether or not you loved the veal (or whatever it was)? Of course not. The best thing is to end the conversation, "Guess we'll have to agree to differ," and walk away if you have to.

If you simply cave in to avoid a fight, you're enabling the distorted thinking and boundary violation, plus you may be shivering in your bed, cold and resentful.  If you love someone with this condition, it is vital that s/he come to accept that you ARE different people, that you can have different tastes and preferences, and still the world will go on spinning.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Two Month Leisure Reclamation - Part Two

Working to get back on track here. Hey, this is the anti-perfectionism blog, you know!

This post continues with A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

A TWO-MONTH LEISURE RECLAMATION PROGRAM (continued)
If work has taken over your life, are you willing to try an experiment? For a limited period of time, can you spend less time working and more time living? To achieve that goal, I suggest you make the following changes for two months. <snip>

5.  Any time you slip into ruminations or worries about work, do the thought-stopping exercise: slap your thigh or blink, breathe deeply, tell yourself, "That's not helping," and refocus your thoughts.

6.  Strictly limit the time you spend on chores. Before tackling any project, ask, "Is this really so important? Do I want to spend most of my 'off' time for the rest of my life worrying about things like this? <snip>

As with professional tasks, the list of personal task that you "need to do" will never end, so don't have that as your goal. It's unreasonable to refuse to enjoy yourself just because you have unfinished chores, since you'll have them for the rest of your life. <snip> Obsessives tend to get caught up with maintenance, at the expense of really living. They spend extra time ordering, fixing, straightening, tending to small details, as life speeds by. <snip>

"Fed up with housework" by Alaskan Dude
via Flickr Creative Commons

7.  If you have the opportunity to refuse extra work, do so, if only during this two-month period. <snip>

The same advice [consult a trusted friend for perspective] applies if you're tempted to decline a promotion because you're already working too hard. Obsessives typically pride themselves on their capacity to do enormous amounts of work, and they sometimes forget that they are also valued for other qualities.  <snip>

Isn't it reasonable to be able to say occasionally, "I'm sorry, but I'm just swamped right now and can't take that on at the moment"? Chances are good that you are much more important to your employer than you realize.

8.  During activities with family or friends, be in the moment, even if you have left work to be done. Don't let yourself think of your spouse or children as nuisance that are keeping you from more important things. Take an active interest in their conversation. Really listen to what they are saying, instead of tuning them out to ruminate about work-related problems.

via mikebaird at Flickr Creative Commons
This mom & daughter are wonderfully "in the moment" with each other.

<snip> Now is the time to enjoy life. Remember, none of us can know for certain that we have any time other than the present moment.

***

As those of you who read the post directly before this one know, I have recently been forcibly reminded that we don't know for certain we will ever have any time other than the present moment, with the death of my friend Sid just a few weeks ago.

The world won't stop if we let the work go, once in a while. It is important to focus on the people and events that fill our hearts and spirit - and that shouldn't be paperwork and work-work all the time.

I "get" it. I have a busy and demanding day job, and sometimes it feels like I come home from that and plunge right into writing and research for this blog (or my other writing projects). But... I am getting on track to cut back and take more time for me, for things I enjoy (though I do enjoy writing), and for being with my friends and family.

If you have children or a partner, and, stars forbid, something happened to one of them, do you want your last memory of your time together to be of you absently mumbling, "Uh-huh, uh-huh," as you were focused on your laptop or smartphone? That you missed your shy child's debut as a tree in the school play because you got a last minute chance to put in some overtime?

If you let "work" consume all your leisure time, it is just as much an addiction as alcohol or crack cocaine.  You are not virtuous, you are an addict.

And if you always choose work over relationships, eventually work will be all you have left.

Have you tried any of the tips, above?
Lost someone you loved, that you wished
you'd spent more time with?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Becoming Less Driven

Clouds. Just because.

This post continues with Becoming Less Driven from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Becoming Less Driven
<snip> As a starting point, ask yourself:

• Are those long job house really an unavoidable requirement of the job?
• When was the last time you took a walk, going no where special? Or sat and listened to music? Or window shopped?
• Do your co-workers (or people in comparable positions elsewhere) put in as much time as your do, and if not, how do they avoid it?
• Could your own perfectionism be driving you, and is it really worth it?
• Are you avoiding being home, for any reason?
• If you've taken on extra part-time work, is it because you really need the extra money? Or is a craving for absolutely guaranteed financial security shaping your behavior?
• If you're self-employed, must you really accept every referral or project, or are you distorting things? For instance, how true is it that if you don't accept that referral, you'll never get another one from that person or firm? Even if that did happen, would it really endanger your security?
• As for being preoccupied with work during your "free" time, how necessary or useful is this, really? How often to you actually get a creative idea or solve a work problem when you're with your family or engaged in leisure-time activities? Isn't it more likely that "thinkaholism" is contaminating your leisure?

***

When I was living with my ex, I avoided home, because I was in no hurry to go home and be yelled at or nit-picked.  I suspect that, consciously or subconsciously, many workaholics choose to work because it is easier and more familiar and allows them to avoid... something they really don't want to do. Or something that will be a surprise.

In order to become less driven, we first must become totally honest with ourselves. To know when we are BSing ourselves with the lists of Things We Must Do, work that Must Be Done, and when, once in a while, a little overtime might be in order.

We need to make time for unstructured play - for just hanging out with friends and family, for trying a new craft or visiting a new museum or some other loosey-goosey activity where we don't know what's going to happen next. It's not simply important for children to enjoy free play, but for adults, too.

Do too many of the above questions strike a chord with you?
Do you cling to busyness like a security blanket?

Your thoughts?

A-Z: Zen - Much Like Obscenity

I find the idea of the Zen mind, of "Zen" in general, to be a lot like obscenity. It's hard to describe, but I know it when I see it.

This is a Zen thought, for example.

Source: weheartit.com via Pinterest

Too often we churn over the past, playing the game of "If only I had done/said this," beating ourselves up for whatever mistake we believe we've made. To what end? We didn't do or say that other thing. And if it was truly a mistake, certainly, let's take steps to repair any hurt we caused to others, but we can't undo the past.

(Mind you, it's not okay to keep hurting another person in the same way, and then using the excuse, "Hey, let's not linger on the past." If we truly can't stop continually hurting someone in a particular way, because of mental illness or bad habits or anything else, we need to get help.)

One way to "be Zen": To connect with a Higher Entity: Buddha, Jesus, God, Allah, Mary...

One thought: "Being Zen refers to meditating, reaching a peaceful state; to be one with the world around you and yourself."

In this video clip, there's reference to the stream. The idea of being Zen is to not be swirled up in the stream (of thoughts and emotions), but to be sitting peacefully beside it. "Look, there's a leaf, how interesting." To be a calm observer, who mindfully decides what, if any, actions or speeches to make.

Let's say someone says something to you that is terribly insulting, and your immediate feeling is hurt and/or anger.

If you are operating "in a Zen way," you don't immediately respond. You examine the feeling ("Oh, I feel very, very angry," or "Oh, I feel terribly hurt,") and then, after carefully observing and understanding the feeling, choose what action you want to take.

• You may let the insult slide past, like water off a duck's back.
• You may punch the other person in the nose.
• You may tell the other person how angry you feel.
• You may cry.
• You may ask the other person for clarification, "What you said sounded very insulting, but I know, given the kind of person you are, you wouldn't deliberately insult me. Could you explain what you meant?"
• You may turn your back and walk away.
• You may calmly tell the other person how hurt you feel, and why.
• You may do any number of things. Point being, you are deliberately, thoughtfully choosing what you want to do, not simply reacting without thinking.

I'm working on trying to "be more Zen," but I'm thinking, it's the work of a lifetime.

***

So, we've made it, from Anosognosia to Zen. Phew! Next week, May 8, we'll return to Too Perfect Tuesdays and the regular blog posts.

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Do you have comments on the idea of being Zen?

Is there a subject you'd like to see on this blog in the coming months?

Did you have a favorite post for the A-Z posts here?

A-Z: Yoga Strengthens Body & Soul

I admit it, people were all "You should try yoga, you should try yoga" for years, and I didn't want to, simply because I felt pushed towards it. And partly because it seemed kind of wussy and weird.

Then I hurt my back, and my physical therapists strongly recommended yoga. And I was hurting so much I thought, what the hey. I have nothing to lose.

While any regular exercise is good for a body, yoga is "do-able" even for most people with health conditions, whereas running or weight training may not be. 
 
I started with a DVD like this one (actually, I started with a video tape, and got DVD's later). DVD's work for me because I can do them at home, before work/shower, and not squander the time driving to/from a gym. Plus, there's the money issue - one flat amount, and you don't keep paying.

 For someone else, going out to a class might be the best solution.It's also a good idea consult your doctor to make sure yoga is safe for you (thought it's safe for almost everyone).

Later, I added more DVD's to my repertoire, so as not to get bored.

Once I got into a routine of daily yoga, I found that I felt more flexible, stronger, and better about life in general. When things were rough between me and my ex, and I skipped my morning yoga, I didn't feel nearly as capable of handling the stress.

All in my head? Maybe, and maybe not.

From the Mayo Clinic:
The potential health benefits of yoga are numerous and may include:

• Stress reduction. With its quiet, precise movements, yoga draws your focus away from your busy, chaotic day and toward calm as you move your body through poses that require balance and concentration.
• Increased fitness. As you learn and refine new poses, you may enjoy improved balance, flexibility, range of motion and strength. And this means you're less likely to injure yourself in other physical endeavors or in your daily activities.
• Management of chronic health conditions. Yoga might help with a variety of health conditions, such as cancer, depression, pain, anxiety and insomnia, by helping with sleep problems, fatigue and mood. Yoga also can help reduce heart rate and blood pressure.
• Weight loss. If you're overweight or have binge-eating disorder, yoga may help you make the healthy lifestyle changes necessary to gain control of your eating and drop those extra pounds.

 from Healthplus24:

Mental Health Benefits

A few benefits of yoga on mental health are:

• improvements in concentration, memory, attention,
• learning efficiency,
• mood,
• depth perception,
• increases in well-being,
• self-confidence,
• social skills,
• decrease/elimination in depression, anxiety, hostility, etc.

Yoga is helpful in reducing stress

Emotional distress is an increasing public health problem and yoga has been claimed to induce stress reduction and empowerment in practicing subjects. Yoga therapy has been shown to be associated with improved mood, and is possibly a useful way of reducing stress in patients admitted for psychiatric treatment.¹¹Michalsen et al. showed in a study that women suffering from mental distress participating in a 3-month Iyengar yoga class show significant improvements on measures of stress, anxiety, well-being, vigor, fatigue and depression. Physical well-being is also increased, and those subjects suffering from headache or back pain reported marked pain relief.¹²

Yoga shown beneficial in psychotic treatment

Yoga practice has also been shown to improve different aspects of sleep in the elderly population.¹³Treatment of schizophrenia has remained unsatisfactory despite the availability of antipsychotics. A study by Duraiswamy et al. examined the efficacy of yoga therapy as an add-on treatment to the ongoing antipsychotic treatment. Patients were randomly assigned to either yoga therapy or physical therapy. Subjects in the yoga therapy group had significantly less psychopathology than those in the physical therapy group at the end of 4 months. They also had significantly greater social and occupational functioning and quality of life. Both nonpharmacological interventions contributed to reduction in symptoms with yoga therapy having better efficacy.¹⁴

I know yoga worked for me, and I went from being a skeptic to being a fan. If you haven't tried it, why wouldn't you see if it might be something good for you? Don't worry about doing the more extreme poses (I don't do 'em), just give it a few weeks and see if you like it. You have nothing to lose but your pain and stress.

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Are you a yoga fan, or have you never tried it?

If you've never tried it, what holds you back?

If you practice yoga, what do you like about it?

Too Perfect Tuesday - Chap 7 - The Wasteland of Worry

Source: icanread.tumblr.com via Beverly on Pinterest

This post continues with The Wasteland of Worry from Chapter Seven.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

The Wasteland of Worry

<snip>If you generally find it hard to let go of ideas, you're almost certain to be troubled by worry, rumination, preoccupation, and/or doubt.

<snip> By worry, I mean thinking repetitively about a current of future problem in a way that doesn't eventually lead to a solution.  Worry is unproductive by definition, and it seems to have a life of its own.

Almost everyone worries at least occasionally, and this is normal.  When your child has pneumonia, for example, or when an international incident raises the specter of nuclear war, worrying is an appropriate response, even though you objectively understand that it will not affect the outcome.

But many obsessives worry chronically.  <snip> One patient put it this way, "It can be a beautiful day, but if I'm worrying, somehow everything seems shadowed.  It's as if the worry blocks out the sun."

<snip> among the concerns that preoccupy them the most are the following:

• Day-to-day activities.  "Will I be able to complete my project successfully?  Will the restaurant forget my reservation?  Will I have enough food for everyone who comes to the party?"
• Physical concerns: "Am I getting sick, losing my looks?  Will I get in a car accident on the freeway?"
• Money: "How will I pay my bills? What about my future?  What if the stock market crashes? Am I managing my money correctly?"
• Loved ones: "Will my children be injured?  Could my husband have a heart attack?"

<snip> "I'm jealous of people who don't worry so much.  I worry constantly.  I have a pretty full life - enough to keep me worried about lots of things.  I'm going to a book club tonight and I haven't finished the book and I'm worried that they'll think I'm not committed or just not intelligent.  A friend is coming over to have a bite before we go, and I'm worried about the shape my house is in."

"How does it feel when you are worrying?"

"It feels awful!"

"So what makes you do it so much?"

"I think worrying about things at work probably makes me more effective."

"Really?  Tell me about that."

"Well, maybe not the worrying, but being conscious does help me.  But most of the time worrying is something I can't control.  When I drive to an appointment, I'm worried I'll have an accident.  I look at my watch every minute or so and worry that I won't be on time, or that I'll be too early.  I worry that the person I'm meeting won't like me, or that I'll spill something, or that I'm not dressed appropriately.  I worry that I'll run out of gas."

"Have you ever run out of gas?"

"Never," she replied, smiling ruefully.

As if worrying weren't painful enough, the tendency to think in all-or-nothing terms leads many obsessives to envision the very worst outcome for their concerns.  <snip"

"If I notice a strange blemish on my skin, I immediately think, 'What if it's cancer?' And I'm filled with all the dread and horror I would feel if I had already received the diagnosis, and part of my mind is racing ahead, wondering about cancer surgery, thinking about just how painful death from skin cancer is.  Or when my husband is just a half hour late coming home from work, my mind invariably picks the very worst possibility to explain his delay.  Like: what if he's been killed in a car crash."

For most obsessives, the most awful things that have happened to them have occurred in their own minds.

***

For most obsessives, the most awful things that have happened to them have occurred in their own minds.  Repeating that line, because it deserves repeating.  If something horrible does happen, we will feel every bit as terrible as if we had never "rehearsed" the skin cancer, husband-in-a-car-crash, or other fantasy.  It's not like we will have earned some kind of discount, "Well, ordinarily, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being suckiest, this would be a 10, but because I imagined over and over again how it would feel when the police came to my door to tell me my love had been killed, it's only about a 6."

It's probably impossible not to start worrying sometimes, but I believe it's possible to realize we're doing it, and stop.  Certainly there is no payoff in fretting about running out of gas if it has never, ever happened in however many years.  (I think the woman described was more likely to have an accident caused from being tense, preoccupied, and looking at her watch every minute.)

At some point, we have to be conscious of our thoughts, and say to ourselves,"This is not helping.  I am only winding myself up and making myself tense over something I can't control.  I've done what I can; now I must let it go."

I know, I know - much easier said than done.  For myself, I visualize a helium balloon, releasing it and my worry, watching it fade into the distance until it is all gone.  Or a soap bubble, floating away in the breeze, and going ~pop~!

Do you have a technique for releasing worry?
Your thoughts?

How the Buddha Girl Got Cracked

As I was decorating my new apartment last year, I saw a photo of this small Buddha woman/girl in one of my many catalogs and fell in love with her. (FYI, I was once the catalog queen of the West Coast, though I have cut down substantially) She radiated peace, tranquility, compassion. I decided I must have her, that she would help me keep focused on being Zen, letting go, breathing.

Eventually, as things settled down, I decided she belonged in my bathroom. Bought a couple of white floating shelves - but she didn't look good on a white shelf. Bought a dark shelf, and gave the white ones to a friend.

She looked awesome.

But... she's fairly substantial, weighing about four pounds. And I live in SoCal. Earthquake country.

So of course, the next project was finding museum wax to secure her on the shelf, in case of earthquake, so she wouldn't come flying off the shelf and brain me in the head as I was seated on my white porcelain meditating spot. Should said earthquake occur while I was *ahem* Taking Care of Business.

Done. Now, here's where the fleas come in. *scratching*   I could have put a single daub of museum wax on the bottom center, and she would probably have been just fine. But, being accustomed to OCPD-think, I decided to place three daubs of museum wax under her, one at each corner, and really press her down on the shelf, hard. Better overdoing than doing just enough, right?

Photo via mksystem at Flickr
Fleas, or just a good healthy scratch?

Buddha Girl was fine for one night, then she cracked.

At first I was really distraught.  Thought about throwing her away, and getting a new, uncracked one.  or perhaps using wood stain (or my cheap and easy go-to, colored markers) to minimize the appearance of said crack.

Then I realized, Buddha Girl is even better now.  She's my reminder that overdoing doesn't always work out for the best.  A reminder to check for fleas.  A reminder that sometimes flawed and cracked is better than perfect.

Now I look at her (several times a day, depending on my water consumption) and smile.

She's cracked and flawed.  I'm cracked and flawed.

And we're both perfect, just the way we are.

Do you have a talisman, picture, or some reminder 
that being flawed is perfectly okay?

Your thoughts?

The Relationship Was Toast from the Beginning

Image via WikipediaNot that I realized this.

See, I'm a breakfast-y person.  I have been since back in the day on the pill, I had to take my pill and vitamins with food, otherwise they made me nauseated.  I had an irregular work schedule, so my lunch and dinner were always at different times, but I could always have breakfast before work.  Might just be a bagel and some orange juice, or a bowl of cereal, but I always eat something in the morning.

Later, when I would spend the night at (an early)  boyfriend's place, if I/we had work we'd get up early and make love, then he'd treat me to IHOP.  If we didn't have work he'd make us breakfast, then we'd go back to bed and make love some more.

With a brief break for the child-rearing years, I became addicted to the whole cycle of lovemaking/breakfast/more lovemaking.  Perhaps lingering in bed or on the couch, watching old movies and cuddling, long past noon.  All of my lovers enjoyed it too, until...

At first, when I began seeing OCPD ex, we would make love first thing in the morning - but he was still caring for his aged father, so he would have to get up, go bathe and feed him.  Later, he was still set in that routine of get up and get the day started.  We might make love (morning wood), we might even linger in bed for an hour or two on a Sunday morning watching TV, but he was not a breakfast-y person.

Not knowing about OCPD, I thought it would just be a matter of time to coax him into such a fun, sensual experience on the weekends.  Memories of loveplay in the kitchen, kissing and caresses and feeding one another tidbits while making omelettes or blueberry muffins...  Forget about it.  One person in the kitchen at a time.  He had no interest in sharing the kitchen with me if I was cooking, and it was a federal offense if he was cooking and I came in, playfully grabbed his butt or kissed him.

A lot of times he claimed queasiness in the morning, that if he ate anything he would get sick.  (Since he self-medicated his anxiety with copious amounts of alcohol, can you say hangover, boys & girls?)  Most of the time, if I wanted a weekend cooked breakfast, I ate alone.  Sometimes he would allow me to fix a weekend breakfast for him, too, but we always ate at the table, never in bed or at the couch.   No loveplay during food preparation, at the table, or afterwards.

I missed a lot of things I'd come to believe were a normal part of a love relationship, but this one was a biggie for me.

And frequently, even when he "allowed" me to make him breakfasts, he found fault with them anyway.  The eggs were over or underdone.  Or cold (which often happened because he would delay coming to the table).  I prepared too much food.  Once I made scrambled eggs with bits of bacon crumbled into them.  Though he'd never told me, I should have known he didn't like bacon, ever, in any form.

He didn't even like the way I buttered his toast.  Generously, with the butter extending all the way to the edges of the toast.  That meant he got icky butter on his fingers, so unpleasant!  I began, on breakfast mornings, to simply put out the butter dish and a knife, slap the dry toast on his plate, and let him butter his own damn toast.  That way, he could leave the edges dry the way he liked them.

Although I am not yet ready to take a new lover, I am back to enjoying breakfasts again.  Quickies during the week; on the weekends, perhaps a big eggwhite scramble with broccoli, cheese and tomato.  I don't have to buy the bread he preferred, but can experiment: double fiber, whole wheat, potato bread...   Sometimes I even put jam on my toast!
Image via Wikipedia

This morning, a work day, I had a decadent two slices of Cinnabon toast (cinnamon gave him heartburn, he said) with butter (Smart Start butter substitute) spread all the way to the edge, so that each bite was equally flavorful.

I enjoyed it, but it makes me wonder...  It's been a year and a half since I moved out.  When will I stop remembering and reacting to that relationship, every time I butter my damn toast?  I enjoyed it, I am grateful to be able to do it the way I want without criticism or disgusted looks, but shouldn't I be over emotionally reacting by now?

Or is this a good thing, part of mindful eating?  I don't feel I am there yet, I think the hurt/trauma is still taking up a bit too much real estate in my mind.

What do you think?  Should I be over this by now?  Do you have hurts/traumas that are taking you longer to get over than you think they should?


As always, I love and appreciate your feedback.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 5 - Are You Demand-Resistant? & Overcoming Demand-Resistance

This post continues with Are You Demand-Resistant? and Overcoming Demand-Resistance from Chapter Five.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

 Are You Demand-Resistant?

Many people are consciously aware of and frustrated by the results of their demand-resistance - their chronic lateness, for example, or the trouble they have with expressing emotion. <snip>

Demand-resistance is a chronic and automatic negative inner response to the perception of pressure, expections, or demands (from within or without).  <snip>

<snip> Observe your uneasy feeling when somebody asks you to have something by a given date.  Notice your reluctance when it's time to begin the work.  Watch yourself procrastinate.  And ask yourself, What's making this so hard?  Why am I hesitating?

Ask yourself why you feel annoyed about having to carry out a legitimate request, why it's so difficult to do the things on your list, why going to Spanish class feels a little more burdensome each night.  If you don't have a plausible answer to such questions, demand-resistance may be a problem for you.  Even if you can come up with plausible reasons for balking, they don't necessarily rule out demand-resistance as the true culprit.  Remember that this phenomenon is deeply unconscious, and you might well be rationalizing your behavior, so scrutinize your reasons carefully.  I can't tell you how many times people have told me they avoid sex because they're just too tired in the evening, or they postpone projects because it isn't a good time to start them, or they are having trouble getting through tasks because the head of the department is obnoxious - only to discover later that even when the same conditions persist, they are able to change their attitudes and behavior.


Overcoming Demand-Resistance

The most important step in overcoming demand-resistance is recognizing the demand-resistance consciously as it is happening.  Oddly, I find that many people are able to make changes as soon as they are able to recognize what's occurring.  One patient, for example, told me, "It's just too much trouble, too overwhelming, to write the thank you notes for my wedding gifts.  It feels impossible!"  But as soon as she said this, she laughed and said, "But it's not impossible!  It's not all that terrible.  It's crazy to tell myself that."  She then went home and wrote the notes.

I wish it were always that easy to spot and discard a demand-resistant behavior.  It isn't.  (that particular patient just happened to be "ready.")  But something else that should help you is to start paying attention to the number of times you think, feel, or say "I should" or "I have to" rather than "I want."  If you are demand-resistant, this way of thinking is a self-protective habit that has grown out of proportion, causing you needless pain and undermining your sense of autonomy.<snip>

To change the pattern, you'll need to reconnect with the "I want" aspect of everything you do.  Catch yourself thinking "I should" or "I have to," and challenge those thoughts.  Stop telling yourself "I have to" unless you're certain that's the case.  Don't let the ownership of your life slip away.  Realize that even when you are pressured to do something, the decision to comply or not is entirely yours.

<snip> Little by little, an increased awareness of the "I want" part of the things you do - neglected for so long - will help you too feel a more solid sense of who you are.  Work won't feel as burdensome.  You'll no longer feel like an unwilling victim.  You'll bring more energy and creativity to your activities.  Keep asking yourself, "What do I want?" about even the simplest things.  I don't guarantee a clear answer every time, but it's amazing how often one will materialize if you practice.

***

One of the things my ex had a real problem with was saying, "I want."  We had many fights because I would use that language, and then he would scold me for being selfish, etc.  Finally I explained to him, "Look, this is what grown-ups do.  We both put it all out there on the table.  I say, I want A.  You say, well I want B.  Then we work together to see that each of us gets what we want, but we can't even get there if we both don't start with 'I want.'"

What I understand better now, is he was so wrapped up in demand-resistance and being a martyr, he often didn't know what he 'wanted.'  And why should my selfish 'wants' trump what was The Right Thing To Do?

I'm not sure if a partner is able to help someone who is unaware battle demand-resistance.  Boundaries and other tools can help with things like the Crazy Rules, but the person who is constantly converting desires and urges into work - because Work is Good, Fun is Selfish has to find a way to battle that him or herself.

Since I've learned about this, I've become more aware of my own demand-resistance.

Realizing that all work and no play is a sign of MENTAL DISORDER

has helped me make room for play with less, if not no, guilt.Can you catch yourself in the moment reverting to demand-resistance?