Too Perfect Tuesdays - Two Month Reclamation - Conclusion

This post continues with the conclusion of A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

A TWO-MONTH LEISURE RECLAMATION PROGRAM (conclusion)
As you put the [previous] suggestions into practice, expect resistance to come from both within and without. "Workaholism is the most socially acceptable of the addictions because it is so socially productive," write Schaef and Fassel. "Many people have responded to our description of workaholism with statements like, 'It is not the same as alcoholics, who destroy themselves and their loved ones; workaholics are productive members of the society.' We have to realize that for some organizations and for some people, destroying one's life and loved ones is acceptable if one produces something useful in the society."

Image via CrunchBase

If you think the steps I have described might help you, don't put off starting them! More than one patient has said, "You're right. All this work is ruining my life. And I'm going to do something about it - next month." Or "as soon as I finish this assignment." Or "just as soon as I can get my nest egg together."

Many people toil for years to achieve a "comfortable" future, only to wind up with a few years of retirement in which either they or their spouses are in poor health. They get to do only a fraction of the things they had looked forward to doing, and they feel bitter disappointment.

Finding the appropriate balance between work and the rest of your life may never be easy for you. But it's imperative to try. I like to remember the man who remarked that he had never heard of anyone on his deathbed saying, "My only regret is that I didn't work more."  You too are unlikely to die with such a regret. But if work dominates your life, will you be let with other, worse forms of remorse - over children that you never really knew, or intimate bonds that you sacrificed on the altar of overtime, a lifetime full of roses that you never stopped to smell?

***

I keep going back to Steve Jobs, and the stories about how he cooperated with Walter Isaacson on his biography because he wanted his family, especially his children, to know who he was.

You really think his kids thought, "Well, I didn't ever get to see much of my father, but half the world got to have cool iPhones, so I'm happy to take one for the team"? Think they're grateful to be learning all about their father from a book?

People can always find a reason excuse not to put aside their workaholic habits just yet.  Destroying your family and relationships through excessive work and make-work, such as never-ending housecleaning projects, is still destroying your family and relationships. Stop hiding behind work and start living and loving.

Have you put off addressing your workaholism?
Ever lost someone because you always chose
work over leisure?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Two Month Leisure Reclamation - Part Two

Working to get back on track here. Hey, this is the anti-perfectionism blog, you know!

This post continues with A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

A TWO-MONTH LEISURE RECLAMATION PROGRAM (continued)
If work has taken over your life, are you willing to try an experiment? For a limited period of time, can you spend less time working and more time living? To achieve that goal, I suggest you make the following changes for two months. <snip>

5.  Any time you slip into ruminations or worries about work, do the thought-stopping exercise: slap your thigh or blink, breathe deeply, tell yourself, "That's not helping," and refocus your thoughts.

6.  Strictly limit the time you spend on chores. Before tackling any project, ask, "Is this really so important? Do I want to spend most of my 'off' time for the rest of my life worrying about things like this? <snip>

As with professional tasks, the list of personal task that you "need to do" will never end, so don't have that as your goal. It's unreasonable to refuse to enjoy yourself just because you have unfinished chores, since you'll have them for the rest of your life. <snip> Obsessives tend to get caught up with maintenance, at the expense of really living. They spend extra time ordering, fixing, straightening, tending to small details, as life speeds by. <snip>

"Fed up with housework" by Alaskan Dude
via Flickr Creative Commons

7.  If you have the opportunity to refuse extra work, do so, if only during this two-month period. <snip>

The same advice [consult a trusted friend for perspective] applies if you're tempted to decline a promotion because you're already working too hard. Obsessives typically pride themselves on their capacity to do enormous amounts of work, and they sometimes forget that they are also valued for other qualities.  <snip>

Isn't it reasonable to be able to say occasionally, "I'm sorry, but I'm just swamped right now and can't take that on at the moment"? Chances are good that you are much more important to your employer than you realize.

8.  During activities with family or friends, be in the moment, even if you have left work to be done. Don't let yourself think of your spouse or children as nuisance that are keeping you from more important things. Take an active interest in their conversation. Really listen to what they are saying, instead of tuning them out to ruminate about work-related problems.

via mikebaird at Flickr Creative Commons
This mom & daughter are wonderfully "in the moment" with each other.

<snip> Now is the time to enjoy life. Remember, none of us can know for certain that we have any time other than the present moment.

***

As those of you who read the post directly before this one know, I have recently been forcibly reminded that we don't know for certain we will ever have any time other than the present moment, with the death of my friend Sid just a few weeks ago.

The world won't stop if we let the work go, once in a while. It is important to focus on the people and events that fill our hearts and spirit - and that shouldn't be paperwork and work-work all the time.

I "get" it. I have a busy and demanding day job, and sometimes it feels like I come home from that and plunge right into writing and research for this blog (or my other writing projects). But... I am getting on track to cut back and take more time for me, for things I enjoy (though I do enjoy writing), and for being with my friends and family.

If you have children or a partner, and, stars forbid, something happened to one of them, do you want your last memory of your time together to be of you absently mumbling, "Uh-huh, uh-huh," as you were focused on your laptop or smartphone? That you missed your shy child's debut as a tree in the school play because you got a last minute chance to put in some overtime?

If you let "work" consume all your leisure time, it is just as much an addiction as alcohol or crack cocaine.  You are not virtuous, you are an addict.

And if you always choose work over relationships, eventually work will be all you have left.

Have you tried any of the tips, above?
Lost someone you loved, that you wished
you'd spent more time with?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program

Metaphor is "in the moment."

This post continues with A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

A TWO-MONTH LEISURE RECLAMATION PROGRAM
If work has taken over your life, are you willing to try an experiment? For a limited period of time, can you spend less time working and more time living? To achieve that goal, I suggest you make the following changes for two months. <snip>

1.  Separate your work from your home life. Don't take work home with you. Or, if your job requires you to do all or part of your work at home, confine it to one room, preferably one that you can close off and leave behind.

2.  Limit your work sessions, and when the appointed quitting time comes, stop working, even if you're not completely finished. I'm not suggesting you be irresponsible and leave crucial tasks for the next day. But too many obsessives tell themselves that everything is crucial. <snip>

3.  Don't work weekends, unless doing so is absolutely critical. If it is, be miserly in the amount of time you give up. <snip> ... there are "three great American vices": efficiency, punctuality, and the desire for achievement and success. There are "the things that make the Americans so unhappy and nervous. They steal from their inalienable right of loafing and cheat them of many a good, idle and beautiful afternoon."

4.  Whenever it's time to stop working, consciously shift our mental focus to enjoying your free time. It may help to mark the transition from work to "play" in some way, by taking several deep breaths, for instance, or doing some stretching when you finally stand up and step away from your desk at the close of your work day.  <snip>

If you begin to feel uncomfortable or guilty about "not accomplishing anything," fight those feelings. Ask: "What is so terrible about taking the time to read this book, or enjoy this conversation? Don't I deserve to enjoy life just as much as anybody else?" 

More tips to come in the next post.

***

One of the things I have done in my new home, the apartment, is have a separate office for writing and filing. I don't watch TV in it, and I don't read in my office (except on the internet).  Mind you, I have a regular day job, so I'm not always "up" to come home and write - and that's okay.

Even though writing is both a pleasure/dream, and a side job of sorts, I try to always balance. Spend time with family and friends, spend time lying out by the pool. Sometimes I OD, either on writing jags, or on reading jags, or social butterfly weekends.

I work really hard on being mindful, on enjoying what I am doing. We do all deserve joy, time to ourselves, time away from work.

No one will ever be lying on his/her deathbed, regretting all the time NOT spent at work or obsessing over work-related activities.

Have you ever tried a two-month reclamation project?
What do you think about the "great American vices"?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Becoming Less Driven

Clouds. Just because.

This post continues with Becoming Less Driven from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Becoming Less Driven
<snip> As a starting point, ask yourself:

• Are those long job house really an unavoidable requirement of the job?
• When was the last time you took a walk, going no where special? Or sat and listened to music? Or window shopped?
• Do your co-workers (or people in comparable positions elsewhere) put in as much time as your do, and if not, how do they avoid it?
• Could your own perfectionism be driving you, and is it really worth it?
• Are you avoiding being home, for any reason?
• If you've taken on extra part-time work, is it because you really need the extra money? Or is a craving for absolutely guaranteed financial security shaping your behavior?
• If you're self-employed, must you really accept every referral or project, or are you distorting things? For instance, how true is it that if you don't accept that referral, you'll never get another one from that person or firm? Even if that did happen, would it really endanger your security?
• As for being preoccupied with work during your "free" time, how necessary or useful is this, really? How often to you actually get a creative idea or solve a work problem when you're with your family or engaged in leisure-time activities? Isn't it more likely that "thinkaholism" is contaminating your leisure?

***

When I was living with my ex, I avoided home, because I was in no hurry to go home and be yelled at or nit-picked.  I suspect that, consciously or subconsciously, many workaholics choose to work because it is easier and more familiar and allows them to avoid... something they really don't want to do. Or something that will be a surprise.

In order to become less driven, we first must become totally honest with ourselves. To know when we are BSing ourselves with the lists of Things We Must Do, work that Must Be Done, and when, once in a while, a little overtime might be in order.

We need to make time for unstructured play - for just hanging out with friends and family, for trying a new craft or visiting a new museum or some other loosey-goosey activity where we don't know what's going to happen next. It's not simply important for children to enjoy free play, but for adults, too.

Do too many of the above questions strike a chord with you?
Do you cling to busyness like a security blanket?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesday - Chap 9 - Chronic Leisure-Deprivation

Grand Canyon, North Rim - view of Cape Final.
Only four miles round trip but in the altitude it kicked my butt!

This post continues with CHRONIC LEISURE-DEPRIVATION from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

CHRONIC LEISURE-DEPRIVATION
By definition, workaholics don't have much free time, and chronic leisure-deprivation in itself may cause both psychological and physiological damage. Among the varied medical ailments attributed to overwork are fatigue, irritability, sleep disturbances, difficult in concentrating, depression, gastrointestinal malfunctions, coronary disease, hypertension, headaches, and muscle spasms.

<snip> Of course, burnout afflicts both those who are forced by circumstances into overworking, and those who are psychologically driven to work all the time. But of the two groups, overly driven obsessives are less likely to be able to enjoy whatever small amounts of leisure time they do have. <snip>

Other workaholics might cook elaborate dinners or take on complex home-improvement projects. Such laborious "play" can be truly pleasurable, but it's also very common for demand-sensitivity insidiously to drain the fun out of freely chosen leisure activities, making them feel like things that should or even must be done - in other words, like simply more work.

<snip> Caroline, the marketing director for a large clothing company, one day described her feelings about spending time with her baby and preschooler on the weekends.

"I love my children more than anything else in the world, and I don't have that much time with them during the week. Yet I find it very hard to spend completely unstructured time with them. Half the time I devise activities for us: we go somewhere or we undertake some project. About the only way I can force myself to just hang out with them and play spontaneously is by telling myself that it's my 'job' as a good mother to do that. And then it's okay. But it's sad that I can't fully surrender myself to their world."

<snip" Danielle was a perfectionistic workaholic who used her vacations to travel extensively; once on the road, she was a relentless sightseer. If she wasn't out the door and heading for a museum by nine in the morning, she became tense; should a vacation end before she had hit all the "things to see" in her guidebooks, she felt cheated and unhappy. These underlying tensions burst into full bloom when she started to travel with her boyfriend, Jack, who took the view that touring should be leavened with long mornings in bed and lazy breakfasts spent with coffee and local papers. <snip> to my surprise, I found that I actually sort of preferred this schedule. I began to think, 'Maybe there hasn't been something wrong with Jack. Maybe it's wrong with me.' And I just started to enjoy relaxing and hanging out more. Since then, I've made the conscious decision that I don't have to see everything while traveling. I've learned to prioritize and try to see just the best."

***

Mickey greeting guests at Disneyland Park
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No matter how minutely or how well you plan things - other "stuff" is going to happen, too. Sometimes much better "stuff" than you could have planned. I remember taking my son to Disneyland (a not particularly cheap day trip, FYI, if you've never visited) when he was about three. I wanted to schlep him to this ride and that ride, to get his picture taken with Mickey Mouse, and all that. And he wanted to sit on the benches behind Dumbo and watch through a gap in the hedges at "Casey Jr." the miniature circus train go by.

OMG, I wasn't getting my money's worth! Then I realized, I was, because the point of the trip was for us to have a good time together, for my child to have a good time at Disneyland, and he did. (Even though by the time he was ready to move on, after over an hour of train-watching, I was bored out of my gourd.)

A few years ago my ex and I went to the Grand Canyon, and yes, we had a fair amount plotted out in advance, because we had to (accommodations and so forth). But while I was there I picked up several books about the Grand Canyon, and I'm pretty sure Harvey Butchart, subject of Elias Butler & Tom Myers' book: Grand Obsession: Harvey Butchart and the Exploration of Grand Canyon, was at least somewhat OCPD. The man spent decades hiking and rafting in the Grand Canyon, virtually abandoning his family for weeks and months in order to cross another summit climb or canyon map off his list.

A self-described perfectionist, Harvey constantly assessed his hikes in terms of time and distance. Companions remember him as a man absolutely preoccupied with his watch - how long it took to hike from point a to point b, how this compared to the last time he had been across the same piece of ground, how long he could go before having to turn around, etc. <snip>

Susan Billingsley, a former river guide who first came to Grand Canyon in the 1960's, explained," I didn't do that much hiking with Harvey but I never particularly wanted to. Because he didn't hike, I don't think, for the beauty or anything else, he hiked to get to a certain point. You'd go look at his slides and they would be of the route, you know, there was never a beautiful slide of the Canyon, or who was with him, just - the route. He was so focused on that. He'd just get up in the morning and eat in his sleeping bag, and then get up and hike all day, and get in his sleeping bag and eat and go to sleep."

Grand Canyon. For myself, the constant beauty left me breathless and awestruck

Butchart, a mathematics professor, covered over 12,000 miles, made hundreds of maps and had a few books published on the subject. He was extremely competitive though he did enjoy exchanging letters with others who shared the same interest. It wasn't a spiritual experience, or about drinking in the sights. For him, it was all about plotting the hike or the trip, getting there as quickly and efficiently as possible, then turning around and getting back as quickly as possible, like Danielle from Too Perfect, who felt she had to hit every spot in the guidebook.

Maybe for some people, that is as good as it gets.

Have you been affected by leisure-deprivation?
Do you ever have a hard time just letting fun happen?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Work & Counterproductivity

This post continues with WORK AND COUNTERPRODUCTIVITY from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

WORK AND COUNTERPRODUCTIVITY
Workaholism causes problems in more than just the personal realm. "Keeping one's nose to the grindstone can hurt... business," concluded The Wall Street Journal in an article about workaholic entrepreneurs. "The protracted stress of fighting distraction, focusing intensely on dull details and working at protracted tasks fatigues the mind... The result: a rise in errors, troubles handling the public, more accidents, and declining workmanship."

As previously noted, perfectionists often have trouble starting projects, making decisions, and delegating tasks that could be better executed by others - all of which may easily do more damage than the good done during all those extra hours on the job. At the same time, the perfectionist's constant fault-finding is apt to dampen office morale.

<snip>...Fortune magazine described how a management consultant spent three days following one "hard-driving, bleary-eyed investment banker," recording in minute detail what the man did in the course of his interminable workdays. The consultant found that eighty percent of the Wall Streeter's activities turned out to be "busy work": redundant phone conversations, unnecessary meetings, time spent packing and unpacking his two bulging briefcases. All too often, no one looks at how effectively the workaholic is laboring, and yet that is ultimately much more important than the number of hours he spends on the job.

***

via Wikipedia

Churning. Not just for butter any more.

I worked with a young woman for a company once who was let go, and my boss described to me how once, when they were getting a delivery of new office furniture in, she told "Joan," to clear off her entire desk, empty the drawers, etc., so the old stuff could be removed, and the new installed. When she came back twenty minutes later, it appeared Joan had moved a stapler from one place to another, and nothing else.

That's churning - the mindless business of shuffling papers around, of re-reading the same email over and over, or trying to make sense of a spreadsheet with the same methods that aren't working.

At least when you churn butter, there's a delicious product at the end of it all.

Simply being at work, or sitting at a computer, does not necessarily mean you are being productive. (Trust me, I can offer plenty of personal experience on that one!)

I work with people who put in 12-14 hour days certain times of the year, but honestly? A lot of it is going over the same thing fruitlessly, over and over; or chatting on the phone for hours. They could probably get as much productive work done in ten. I've been in these round-robin e-mail loops where everyone is misunderstanding and it goes through six sends when the whole mess can be cleared up in 30 seconds of conference call.

(And as I type all this, I have firm plans to clean my desk at home - this week. Which plans I've had for several months, but still... my intention is NOT just to shove piles from one place to another.)

Is all your extra work really productive?
How much churning do you do?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Workaholism and Your Mate

Santa Barbara pier

This post continues with The Costs of Workaholism: The Poisoning of Personal Relationships - Workaholism and Your Mate from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Workaholism and Your Mate

As for your spouse, workaholism may not cause problems if you're both comfortable spending only limited time together. But when this is not the case, one partner's workaholism can make the other's life a lonely purgatory. Resentful, angry spouses often find ways of retaliating by withholding affection, undercutting their partner's standing with the children, having affairs, spending too much money, or otherwise making their discontent manifest. They may ultimately seek a divorce.

<snip> too much work is likely to take its toll on your sex life. <snip> The sex researchers cite, " the kinds of husbands and wives who relentlessly search for new ways to occupy their time and use their energies - making more money, advancing in a career, caring for children, improving homes, doing community work, accumulating possessions - in short, doing anything that feels like work... In that scheme of things, a sexual relationship has virtually no place. Coitus does because it is translated into a task, a chore, an obligation, a performance, something to be done."

***

We've all seen the ads - the couple on a sunset patio, holding hands from their side-by-side bathtubs. Ridiculous, of course, and yet... what the ads are selling isn't really boner pills. It's the idea of intimacy, closeness with one's partner, sharing an experience.

Sex can be a big part of that, but not if you turn it into a chore. Or into, "I'm in the mood, right now, so let's do it, right now." Not that I, personally, mind a quickie here and there, but other times I need a little time to get my motor running. I want the hand-holding and sunset walks on the beach.

 A couple years before we split up, my ex and I took a trip up the California coast. I got my sunset walk on the beach - only I didn't, because he wouldn't walk with me. No hand-holding, no sharing the moment, just two people who happened to be in the same place at the same time.

Sunset at Pismo Beach.
Not even close enough to capture both our shadows in the same picture.

Oh, we did have moments on the trip when we did connect - overall, it was a very good trip - but always on his terms, if and when he wanted. There was little mutuality. Most of the time, we'd be twenty, thirty feet apart, wherever we went.  (And there were the times when he had a total meltdown and behaved horribly, including one evening out with a couple of his friends at a restaurant.)

He never saw these guys at all, because he was off having a snit fit  about what restaurant we were going to eat in, and when I beckoned him to come over, I believe he flipped me off and walked in the opposite direction.

I am less lonely now, without a boyfriend, than I was when I was with him.

Do you value work over your partner, or know someone who does?
Has your sex life become another item on the to-do list?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Shortchanged Children

Child 1 (Photo credit: Tony Trần)

This post continues with The Costs of Workaholism: The Poisoning of Personal Relationships from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

The Costs of Workaholism

All these [the previous posts] are very real benefits - but they're benefits of work rather than of workaholism, and they all can be enjoyed even if work plays a more balanced role in your life. <snip>

THE POISONING OF PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Shortchanged Children

If you do have children, you're likely to tell yourself that you're working as hard as you are for their sake - a sacrifice they may find of questionable value. In their book The Addictive Organization, Anne Wilson Schaef and Diane Fassel recount the words of one grown daughter of a workaholic:

Everything revolved arond my father's work. If we got too playful and made noise we would be quieted because Daddy was wither working or sleeping. When work went poorly, he was moody, angry, and destructive. When it went well, he was jolly... We rarely saw him. Sometimes he stayed in the city overnight or on big projects, he would be gone for weeks at a time... I don't think my mother or our family were ever second place in my father's life, I believe for him we didn't exist at all. I grew up spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about my father, yet never really knowing him. I hate him for this and I miss him deeply.

A child jumping (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

<snip>Other workaholic parents may transform time spent together into time working together. Say it's a Sunday afternoon, and the parent has no pressing obligations; he really could afford to spend a few hours doing what his child most wants to do, say, playing ball. But because of the parent's chronic inner need to be accomplishing something, he hankers to be gardening, or repairing the back fence. So he tries to accomplish two things simultaneously - to spend time with his child and to work on the project - by cajoling the child into working with him.

If the project truly engages the child's interest, it may turn out to be a pleasant shared experience. But if the child senses that the parent is more involved in the fence than in him, the child will resent it. <snip>

Some workaholic parents go one step further, getting annoyed whenever they find their children "wasting time." They want their children to share their own abhorrence for any hint of laziness, and they find tasks to fill the children's time - until the children get used to fleeing whenever they see the meddlesome parent approaching.

English: child (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

<snip> your children's childhoods are composed of hundreds of fleeting experiences: the first laughs of babyhood, the first steps, trick-or-treating at Halloween, high school courtships. Each stage of development lasts only for a very brief time, and once completed, will never be repeated. <snip>

Some people, realizing that this has happened, try to correct it too late. I've had several adult patients who received very little attention from their parents when they were children or adolescents. When the elderly parents (often newly widowed) finally sought companionship, their sons and daughters reacted with dread, shying away from contact and expressing such feelings as, "We have absolutely nothing in common," or "I don't feel any connection to him." Sometimes these adult children have expressed resentment at being approached after so many years of neglect. "Where was he when I needed him?" they ask.

Image via CrunchBase

***

This is part of why I have a problem with Apple computer products: Steve Jobs. I feel like if I were to buy them, I would be implicitly endorsing his publicly admitted neglect of his children and family (though I admit, years ago when I knew less about his personal life, I did buy an iPod).

Much like the workaholics described here, my father rarely had time for me - and usually it was for his own purpose.  If he wanted to talk at someone, he would make me come into the living room to listen to him - during the commercials. I wasn't even important enough to him to turn off the TV and actually interact with.

So when he too became elderly and bored and lonely and decided, then, he wanted to connect with me - too little, too late. I had learned to live without him a long time before that - and in fact, it wasn't truly an attempt to "connect." He just wanted more of an audience.  My oldest sister, who did give him the time of day, had very little of his attention about her concerns and problems, even when she was facing a serious eye problem and almost lost her sight.

I have heard so many stories of OCPD parents who cannot let their kids BE kids, who are like mini-sweatshop owners, instilling a sense of work, work, work, all the time. (I'm talking to you, Tiger Mom!) I love this commercial, because it's about the dad (and the big brother) letting the little girl call the shots.

Let go and have fun with your kids. Be silly. No, you don't have to be a "Disneyland Dad," with fun activities only. Kids do need to learn about mending fences and doing laundry, but neither should you always be looking for Something Productive to Do.

There's an incredible amount of joy and freedom in just being with children, if you let it.

Do you value work over children, or know someone who does?
If you had a parent who always put work first, 
how did that make you feel?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Are You Too Driven? & The Joy of Work

via imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos

This post continues with Are You Too Driven? and The Joy of Work from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Are You Too Driven?

If you spend practically every waking hour working - on either job-related taskes or other kinds of productive activities - you may be a workaholic. But what if you are? How drive is "too driven"?

<snip> Workaholism ranks among the most acceptable of all addictions; our society both reveres and rewards industriousness. That in itself can be on of the benefits of workaholism, but it also makes it easier to overlook or discount the costs of overwork. Sylvia, a fifty-seven-year-old businesswoman, once spent twenty minutes complaining to me about her crushing work load, but then added, "It's so easy to think of it all as a positive thing. Even as I'm telling you about my schedule, I'm feeling virtuous."

The Joy of Work

Work can also be one of life's greatest pleasures. It provides many adults with their primary source of intellectual stimulation and social interaction. It may well be the only forum in which they can compete and win applause for their performance. Besides prestige, hard work often results in financial security, power, and career advancement.

Excitement is another dividend of a frantic schedule. You don't have to be the Secretary of State, jetting around the world in pursuit of peace, in order to enjoy a work-induced adrenaline high. "It's literally like taking a drug," says Carl Thoreson, a Stanford University professor of education and psychology, who has studied workaholics. "It's a euphoric, almost giddy feeling, such as you might have when you've just given a presentation. You feel terrific." <snip>

via David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos

***

It's a two-fer. You get to complain about being overworked, portray yourself as this poor, suffering martyr (my ex did this all the time) and at the same time enjoy the adrenalin buzz from the hectic schedule that you yourself insist upon.

Win-win - for everyone except your family, and eventually, your body, because being an adrenalin junkie will catch up with you, eventually.

Tip: Fewer people admire you for being a workaholic than you might imagine, especially if your work/martyrdom dominates your conversation.

At a party...
Friend: I just finished a great book last weekend. It's called -
Workaholic: I wish I had time to read. I can't remember the last time I wasn't working most of the weekend.
Friend: (thinks: Asshole): That's too bad. Excuse me, I'm going to get something to drink.

At home...
Workaholic: How was your baseball game, Billy?
Billy: It was super. I caught a line drive that made the last out, and we won the game.
Workaholic: That's great. I wish I could've seen it.
Billy (looks down at shoes): Yeah, I know. You had to work. You always have to work.
Workaholic: I'm going to try really hard to come to your next game, okay?
Billy (mumbles): There aren't any more. That was the last game of the season.
Workaholic: Really? I'm sorry, I was so busy working I lost track. Next year then!

IMO, one of the dirtiest tricks in the book is the parent who is constantly working and when her/his child expresses a very natural disappointment with the situation, emotionally blackmails the child into expressing contentment.

Yes, especially in hard economic times, parents have to work. I did. But take a good look at that schedule, and make time for your kids, if nothing else. And be with them when you are with them - not on your iPad or texting or otherwise multi-tasking.

Do you get an adrenalin rush from being constantly busy?
After a day or two of vacation, can you enjoy it, 
or are you casting about for something to DO?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Work As A Means of Control

via Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhoto

This post continues with The Driving Forces: WORK AS A MEANS OF CONTROL from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

WORK AS A MEANS OF CONTROL

Finally, many people see hard work as one of the most important tools for controlling their destinies, either indirectly, via the Scorekeeper (as I've already mentioned), or directly. Since many obsessives never feel financially or professionally secure enough, no matter how much money they have, or how impressive their accomplishments, they may feel enable to ever turn down any opportunity to work more. Or they may be afraid to take time off work because of the attendant loss of control over everything from in-house politics to ensuring that things are done "their way."

"Control - or the illusions thereof - is vitally important to workaholics," writer researcher Marilyn Machlowitz. "The question to achieve control is not simply a contest but a brutal, futile battle. Workholics' cluttered calendars represent an attempt to 'beat the clock.' Their lists [of things to do] are but 'a  way to organize the unorganizable.'... The perceived need for organization creates a tendency to cram all objectives into a stable, predictable, and inadequate amount of time in order to achieve a semblance of control."

***

If you slow down, 'It' might catch you. 'It' being the BoogeyMan, some nebulous childhood monster. Or your feelings, or some family duty you don't want to accept...

I have a friend who's always claimed the "never turn down work" mantra, yet when I offered to show him ways he could afford to do so (something that's part of my day job) he had countless reasons excuses why it wouldn't work for him. I'm something of a slow learner, but I finally figured out "having to work" was like his security blankie, something he clung to. He felt scared and directionless without "having to work," so he was always going to "have to."

via AndrewEick at Flickr Creative Commons Some rights reserved

How can someone challenge you if you say you "have" to work? They can't, because the average person does have to work to keep a roof over his/her head and the lights on.  "Having" to work becomes like a "Get out of Jail FREE" Monopoly card, a free pass from all other obligations.  And when the workaholic does free up some time, it's then treated like a precious jewel; the family of the workaholic is made to feel, not like this is their rightful due, but that the workaholic has done something heroic to create this time. A control issue all the way.

Does "having to work" give you a sense of security?
Will you put in extra hours, unpaid, to have something
"done right" at your job, rather than let someone else do it differently?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - The Drive of Demand-Sensitivity, Thinkaholism, and Orderliness

This post continues with The Driving Forces: The DRIVE OF DEMAND-SENSITIVITY, THINKAHOLISM, AND ORDERLINESS from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

THE DRIVE OF DEMAND-SENSITIVITY, THINKAHOLISM, AND ORDERLINESS

As I discussed in chapter 5, obsessives tend to be acutely sensitive to both explicit and unspoken obligations. This heightened sensitivity can make one's work load heavier than that of a less demand-sensitive person. For example, when Mona's boss began working weekends, Mona felt compelled to join him in the office for at least a few hours. "He never once asked me to come in," she said. "But somehow I got the feeling that he really did think I should help out."

Thinkaholism can exert a different kind of pressure on those already overburdened individuals. Work provides rich fodder for the obsessive's tendency to dwell on problems. At the end of the day or the end of the week, many workaholics find it hard to shift their thoughts and attention away from their jobs, and as a result they may be preoccupied and "not fully present" with loved ones or in leisure activities.

Yet another contributor to workaholism can be the obsessive's need for orderliness. Work organizes one's time, it imposes an order upon existence. I can't count the number of obsessives who have told me that while work is hard, they prefer it to the uncertainty or unstructured time. At least, when they have tasks laid out before them, they can enjoy a sense of movement and virtuous productivity as they dispatch them. Orderliness many also increase their work load if it drives them to spend a lot of time on such activities as cleaning, organizing, and straightening their desks. Or they may feel compelled to stay late, until all the "loose ends" have been attended to.

***

Work is structured. Work is competitive. Work can offer measurable results, unlike, say, child care or housework - you might have just changed a diaper or wiped a runny nose, but you'll have to keep on changing those diapers or wiping noses. You can wash a floor, and people will track in more dirt, pet hair, etc., usually within minutes.

Whereas if you finish writing a report, or filing a stack of bills, or building a house, once it's done, it's DONE. (Of course, there will be other reports to write, others bills to file, other houses to build...)  Paying work is more tangible than "hanging out" with family and friends.  If you don't want to go home, you will always find "loose ends" at work to keep you from doing so.

I just got back from a conference (hence the late post, and no pictures) and though it was certainly very fun, it was also WORK. It was workshops and networking and "building relationships," even during meals and drinks at the bar.

As a society, we support, rather than discourage workaholism. We give validation and praise to the "hard workers" and the people with the spotlessly clean desks. When someone brags/complains about working 60-70 hour weeks, we don't roll our eyes and say, "Wow, sounds like your life is really out of balance."

But maybe we should.

Do you spend a lot of time at work "straightening"?
Does your brain stay at work even when it's time to be with family?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Work as Protection

This post continues with The Driving Forces: WORK AS PROTECTION from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

WORK AS PROTECTION

Work can also serve to buffer the obsessive from things he or she would rather avoid. For instance, work makes for an admirable barrier to intimacy.

<snip> Evely was an extremely conscientious teacher who complained bitterly about her loneliness. She blamed her job for the fact that she was single and had virtually no social life; she put in phenomenally long hours both in the classroom and at home in the evenings and on weekends. While Evelyn said she hated this grind, she was passionately devoted to her students and couldn't imagine doing less for them. She felt she was only giving them what they needed and deserved, and she couldn't understand how other teachers could work less in good conscience.

<snip> Being an altruistic, ultra-dedicated teacher was so crucial to her pride and sense of self-worth that she couldn't bear any hint that her motives might be mixed - that is, that her workaholism might be a self-serving defense mechanism as well as arising from a desire to serve others.

photo via MorgueFile

A second way in which his work can protect the workaholic is by providing him with a noble excuse for avoiding various personal demands - demands with which he might otherwise feel duty-bound to comply. "It was much more fun to be a big shot downtown than to go home and change diapers," admitted one banker who reformed his hard-driving ways after suffering a massive heart attack. <snip>

Immersion in work can also protect one from awareness of one's emotions. "I always overworked," Belinda, a research chemist, told me. "But when my husband died a few years ago, then I really became obsessive about it. I had no reason to go home. I see now that I was using work to mask my feelings and to keep myself at bay."

Still one more "protective" quality that the obsessive may find in work is a superstitious one. On some level he may feel that his diligence is racking up countless points with the Cosmic Scorekeeper.  By putting in all those long hours, he denies himself pleasure for the present - but can expect to be rewarded someday, somehow, for his self-sacrifice.

Some people can't spend money on themselves without going through eleaborate mental gyrations about whether they've earned the self-indulgence. "I owe it to myself," they'll state when telling me about some personal expenditure, adding pointedly, "I've worked so hard."

***

I totally believe that many people with OCPD, major or minor (and people without OCPD, as well), use work as an excuse/armor to hide from social situations, obligations, and feelings they just don't want to deal with. It's easier to say, "Gee, I'd love to, but I have to work," than it is to say, "No, I'd rather not."

I could explore this subject at great depth (and probably will, sometime soon) but right now, uh, I have to work. 

Do you use work as a way to hide from feelings 
or unpleasant  activities?
Or know someone who does?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - The Driving Forces The Pressure of Perfectionism & The Angst of All-Or-Nothing

English: perfectionist measuring and cutting grass (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This post continues with The Driving Forces: THE PRESSURE OF PERFECTIONISM and THE ANGST OF ALL-OR-NOTHING from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

The Driving Forces

Every workaholic isn't necessarily obsessive. But most strongly obsessive people are workaholics - driven to overwork by any number of their obsessive traits, including the following leading culprits.

THE PRESSURE OF PERFECTIONISM

The person who can't tolerate making mistakes, or who has to be perceived as irreproachable, is more likely to find himself at his deak late at night, laboring to catch any possible error and striving to make his work perfect. Lydia, for example, was a thirty-one-year-old travel agent who worked until eight or nine o'clock every evening - two or three hours longer than all the other agents in her office. She was not paid for putting in the extra hours, but she couldn't bear the thought of overlooking any of the details that would give her clients the best possible trips. <snip>

"I really enjoy my time off," Lydia insisted. "And my husband has pleaded with me for years to come home earlier. I'd like to, but I really empathize with my clients, and I simply have to do my best for them."

<snip> One other aspect of perfectionism also can foster workaholism. Remember that subscribing to the Perfectionist's Credo often results in unproductive and time-consuming behavior patterns. Fear of making an error may cause the perfectionist to procrastinate, for instance, or he may waffle over decisions, or be unable to wrap up his projects. As a result, some perfectionists have to work long just to accomplish the same amount as someone less perfectionistic.


THE ANGST OF ALL-OR-NOTHING

The familiar force of all-or-nothing thinking also shapes the work-heavy lifestyles of many obsessives. They seem to feel as if cutting back on their work hours even slightly will lead them to cut back more and ever more, eventually bringing them to a horrifying state of indolence.

Many find it hard to start certain projects, knowing that once they start they'll have trouble stopping before the task is completed (and perfectly, at that). Their reluctance to interrupt the work, in turn, comes partly from their knowledge that if they lose their momentum it'll be hard to start up again. It's a vicious cycle that is conveyed by one character in Thomas Wolfe's You Can't Go Home Again:

"I've got an idea that a lot of the work in this world gets done by lazy people. That's the reason they work - because they're so lazy.... It's this way: You work because you're afraid not to. You work because you have to drive yourself to such a fury to begin. That part's just plain hell! It's so hard to get started that once you do you're afraid of slipping back. You'd rather do anything than go through that agony again - so you keep going... til you couldn't stop even if you wanted to... Then people say you're a glutton for work, but it isn't so. It's laziness - just plain simple, damned, simple laziness, that's all.

***

I was helping my ex with a set of back bank reconciliations. It was off by eleven cents - and he had to find those eleven cents. No matter how long it took.

Logically, that's not cost-effective. If you make, say $20 an hour for your services (I charge a lot more), each minute of your time is worth at least thirty-three cents. I tend to want to look for that dime, too, like filling in the last line of a crossword puzzle, but I have learned that devoting hours to prove that the bank cleared a check for $xx.56 when they should have cleared it for $xx.66 is not the best use of my time.

I, too, fear losing momentum. But not finishing something isn't the worst thing in the world. I *have* been able to pick up again where I left off.

These are the two things facets that (to me) seem to link OCPD to hoarding (again, not all OCPD'rs hoard, and not all who hoard have OCPD.) But hoarders can't think big picture. Their attitude is, why even start unless you're prepared to devote the entire day or weekend, keep going until you're done?

Sometimes this makes sense.  For instance, when it's the middle of the rainy season, here in So Cal, and there's the forecast for two days of sunshine, is not the smartest time to try to have your roof repaired. But most jobs CAN be tackled in small bites.

And when you keep adding more things to the room/closet/garage, you will never, ever be able to finish in one day.

Do you know someone who stays up late correcting minor mistakes?
Who works extra hours to make sure his/her work is perfect?
Or who won't start a big project unless it can be done?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesday - Chap 9 - When the Workaholic Can't Work & Workaholics and Denial

Workaholics the Comedy Central Show - hilarious
Workaholics in person - not so much fun

This post continues with When the Workaholic Can't Work and Workaholics and Denial from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

WHEN THE WORKAHOLIC CAN'T WORK

When outside forces threaten to prevent them from working, some workaholics to to ludicrous lengths to overcome the impediment. <snip>

If he is actually prevented from working - by illness or a job loss, or by a work block such as those we discussed earlier - then the obsessive's level or anxiety is almost certain to increase and his self-image to suffer. For many obsessive workaholics, their sense of identity depends far too much on their professional role, and if they're seen as anything less than outstanding in their chosen field, they may feel as if they're nothing. A serious depression may ensue.

WORKAHOLICS AND DENIAL

Some of my workaholic patients acknowledge that they set their own frenetic pace. But I more commonly hear a different refrain: "I'm not a workaholic! I wish I had more free time, but I feel overwhelmed by all that I have to do." Like the immigrant seamstress, these people claim that they "have to" work as much as they do because they'll lose their jobs if they don't. Of their clients need them. Or they've got to take advantage of a particular economic or professional opportunity. Is this sort of person a workaholic?

That isn't always immediately apparent. <snip>

Sometimes people have virtually no choice but to yield to unusual work pressues for a limited time period. I think of the software engineer who must put in eighty hours a weeks during the final stage of debugging a major project, or the magazine editor who works twenty hour days when the monthly deadline draws close.

Jeffrey, for instance, grumbled constantly about all he had to do as editor of a weekly newspaper.  <snip>

In fact his boss eventually became so concerned about the possibility of his star employee's burning out that he worked out a plan under which Jeffrey didn't have to come into the office on Tuesdays, the slowest day of the wee. The boss further insisted that he wasn't to work at home on those days, but was to read, relax, and recuperate. Instead of leaping at this offer, however, Jeffrey pointed out all the things that wouldn't get done, or wouldn't be done well enough, if he took this day off. Eventually he did yield, but within a few months he had reverted to scheduling at least a few hours of work on his mandatory "free day." Contrary to his words, Jeffrey demonstrated that he, not his boss, was his toughest taskmaster.

In one obsessive patient after another, I've seen a similar pattern. The complain about the amount of time their work consumes, and the unremitting pressure under which they live. They talk about their demanding bosses, their need for financial security, the pressure to provide their families with a comfortable lifestyle. But in fact, when I go through the schedules of such "overworked" patients, I invariable see areas in which they could change without impairing their efficiency. When I suggest specific cutbacks, however, I am usually bombarded with justifications for every single commitment. The bottom line for the denying workaholic is that he cannot cut out anything. Or so he insists.

***

I've lost a couple three jobs, due to financial downturns in the economy, and once because of somewhat crazy/alcoholic supervisor (I ended up getting a workers' comp settlement.) Regardless of why, even if it's not your fault, it's always depressing to lose a job. If someone is OCPD and has been fired (at least in part) because s/he can't get along with anybody, that's got to be pretty depressing, too. Recently someone shared this story:

I had a go at my supervisor on Friday. I'll face the music tomorrow. Dreading going back to work. Made quite a scene - said she was crap in front of all my work colleagues and then stormed off 'f'ing and blinding. All over my version of work priorities not being the same as others. My set of rules have become an obsession and I've been stressed out that other are not pulling their weight and have the wrong set of priorities at work. I just can't work in a team anymore.

This person never did check in and let us know what went down on Monday, but I can imagine his supervisor was Not Pleased. He may well have been let go, and now is hating life, and himself. I truly hope he got the help he needs.


Keep in mind, there is being depressed, and there is being Depressed.

from Hyperbole and a Half Adventures in Depression

When you are Depressed, or even suspect you might be - even if you have a good excuse reason to be sad, like losing a loved one or your job - please, Go Get Help. You wouldn't try to move a piano by picking it up and carrying by yourself, would you?

On Being in Denial

Bosses don't take kindly to employees telling them they're crap (especially if there's some truth in it). Nor do they appreciate an employee pissing and moaning all the time about how terribly, terribly overworked they are. Can you imagine being Jeffrey's boss, making a special effort to arrange the schedule to give the guy a day off, and shortly he's back to the full court press (and probably whining about it)? Bosses are human too (or least, that's the rumor), and if I was Jeffrey's boss, I would be thinking, if not saying, "ungrateful lout," as he ramped up his schedule again.

My ex would frequently recount stories of how his boss wanted him to do XX amount of work, but he always put in extra time/effort, because what the boss wanted wasn't good enough. So he took it upon himself to continue to work at the task however long it took him, regardless of whether his boss wanted him to wrap it up and move to something else.  I have a feeling if the company hadn't been sold he would have gotten fired eventually anyway.

There's kind of a patting oneself-on-the-back self-complimenting quality to being a workaholic. See, I'm worthy, I kill myself for my job, I'm sooooo much better than those lazy people over there.

Does anyone ever reach their deathbed and wish they'd spent more time at work and less with their family?

Do you know someone who gets cabin fever if s/he can't get to work?
Or who blames other people for a grueling schedule
of his/her own making?

Your thoughts?