Faux-pology, Anyone? More Like A Three-Pronged Attack

photo from Tactical Awareness & Combat Techniques

Ranted at, screamed at, even; called names and ridiculed in every way possible, and then, later, getting a feeble apology laced with excuses, and then, the day after that, a long list of justifications as to why it really wasn't the abuser's fault in the first place.  We made them do it; in fact, they're the real victim here.

This dynamic has been all over the news lately, because of the egregious and very public bad behavior of radio commentator Rush Limbaugh.  But it's something those of us who've lived with or loved somebody with a personality disorder have experienced, over and over again.  And sometimes, when we've been in the fog long enough, we actually blamed ourselves, because we couldn't forgive and forget.

Didn't they say they were sorry?  Isn't an apology good enough for us?

Let's use this whole incident to examine the cycle, from offense to faux-pology to backpedaling.

Part 1 - The Attack

Sandra Fluke, a 30-year old law student from Georgetown, appeared at a Congressional hearing to testify about how the lack of insurance coverage for birth control harms fellow students, including those who desperately need hormonal contraceptives for medical conditions.

Via Wikimedia

Regardless of whether one agrees or disagrees with Ms. Fluke (pronounced fluk), according to Georgetown University President, John J. DeGioia, someone who does not agree with her opinion:

“She was respectful, sincere, and spoke with conviction. She provided a model of civil discourse.”

Fluke did not verbally attack anyone.  She did not name any names, except in reference to those sponsoring a particular bill. She did not ask "the government" to give her anything for free, and she did not mention her own or anyone else's sex life, except obliquely. (That one friend was married, that another was gay.)

Wealthy radio commentator and drug abuser Rush Limbaugh went on a three day tirade against this young woman.  As shown in the linked video, his tone of voice, his body language, and the lewd suggestions he made (you owe us a sex tape) are particularly vile and disgusting.  He attacked her for things she never said.  For her (alleged) need for condoms in elementary school.   He accused her of "having so much sex it's a wonder she can walk." (Sick imagination? Deliberate slander?)   There's transcripts of her testimony available, so if he had watched or even listened to it, and forgotten the specifics, he could have referred to it, if he wished to respectfully voice his opinion on anything she actually said. But spewing slander and spittle, judging by the video clips, is more his style.


Part 2- The Consequences and Faux-Apology

Many Americans, be they supporters of Ms. Fluke's position, or simply women who don't appreciate being called sluts because they use birth control - and the men who love them - took offense to this extreme bullying of a private citizen via public airwaves.  They began contacting sponsors of Mr. Limbaugh's radio program.  Said sponsors begin jumping ship, one after another after another.

After many (at least nine, possibly twelve) advertisers had ended or suspended their advertising with the program, Limbaugh releases the following written press release as an "apology."

Yep, it was not really a personal attack.  The problem was with the "word choices," not with the deliberate distortion of Ms. Fluke's testimony.  Coming, as it did, only after the program began hemorrhaging sponsors, the timing is entirely suspect.

Part 3 - The Backpedaling; The Aggressor as "Victim"

Additional verbal "apologies" begin on Limbaugh's radio program the following Monday that basically retract what little apology was given.  “I acted too much like the leftists who despise me.” Limbaugh claimed, “In fighting them on this issue last week, I became like them....I descended to their level....I became like the people we oppose.”

He whines about the sponsors (the meanies!) abandoning not him, but his listeners.  You see, he's really the victim here. Betrayed. He's not responsible for the vitriol that pours from his mouth; it's those other people, they made him do it.  They set him up.  Everyone should be sorry for him.  Then he continues attacking Fluke - albeit without the "two words" that he apologized for.

***

I don't know if Rush Limbaugh is actually, diagnosably mentally ill with a Personality Disorder (though I suspect he is).  But I do know that, as far as it comes to dealing with someone with untreated OCPD or another Personality Disorder - this whole scenario is waaaaay too familiar.

First prong of the attack: The fight. It's not a fair fight, where you and your partner are trying to understand one another's point of view, come to a compromise you can both live with. Where perhaps you passionately disagree, but still are using respectful words and language and giving one another plenty of opportunity to be heard. On the other side, your partner is hurling everything but the kitchen sink at you.  Regardless of whether you're left emotionally crushed, in a virtual puddle on the floor, they're going to win the fight.

Next, while you are emotionally bruised and bleeding and hurt, comes either no apology at all, or a faux-pology.  The lips might say, "I'm sorry," but the body language, tone, vocal inflection, and word choices indicate, "I'm still furious."

There's a cliche in movies, "You're not sorry, you're sorry you got caught."  If your partner had not felt compelled by circumstances to issue an apology, they wouldn't be doing it. And they resent you for it.

So now, you have the bitter choice to accept an apology that does not feel genuine in any sense whatsoever, or refuse to accept it, and "become the bad guy."  This is the second prong of the attack. No matter what, it's a lose-lose scenario for you.

Third prong of the attack: Even if you do accept the apology, the spin begins.  Within a week your partner is making you pay with the Stomping but Silent Treatment, snide remarks, and other insinuations because you made him/her feel bad.  You provoked a fight.  If you didn't accept the apology right away, you were holding a grudge.  If you did accept it verbally, but your tone and body language betrayed that you still felt hurt, well, you were just trying to make your partner feel bad.  You were being manipulative.

If you have been in a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship for long enough, you might even believe it.  Feel guilty because you can't simply forgive and forget, and move on. If you are a [Christian, Buddhist, Pagan, fill  in the blank] you might have it thrown in your face that you're certainly not being a very good one.

No. We are not obligated to face personal attack after personal attack with a gracious smile.  Not when it comes from a partner - who we should be able to trust - nor when it comes from somebody bigger and more powerful than us.  That is bullying, plain and simple.

When and if we accept an apology, it is totally up to us.  We are not bad people if we refuse to accept some mumbled words, or even a press release, that screams out "I'm saying sorry because I feel I have to, but it's not like I'm really sorry."  We are not obligated to accept an apology that drips with sincerity, until we are emotionally ready to do so.

We get it. The offender wants to be let off the hook, as quickly as possible.  Not. Our. Problem.  We get to set the timeline on this, not the offender.

And whether an apology is accepted or not, it is not ever, ever acceptable for the attacker to come around with another salvo, when we haven't yet healed from the first attack.  That simply demonstrates how phony the supposed apology was in the first place.

As a P.S. on this - it is not up to Ralph Reed, Mitt Romney, Bill Maher, or any other man (or woman), to accept RL's apology.  It is up to not only Sandra Fluke, but every woman offended by slut-shaming and personal attacks, to accept or reject it, in such time as we choose, if we choose. To discuss it until we are ready to let it go, and not before.  Shame on the Good Ol' Boys' Club for trying to play the game of "Okay, we don't want to discuss this any more, so the conversation is over."

The conversation's just getting started.

Have you ever been through a three-stage fight cycle like this?

Been put in the position of being pressed to accept a faux-pology?

Related articles

• Rush Limbaugh Advertisers' Exodus Hits 29 (newser.com)
• She Said Contraceptives; He Said Slut (writinginflow.blogspot.com)
• WATCH: Colbert Calls Rush Limbaugh A 'Poster Boy For Contraception' (huffingtonpost.com)
• How Not To Apologize (slate.com)
• What Is A Real Apology (hubpages.com)

The Use and Misuse of Anger



from BarbaraWilliams2010 at Flickr


Sometimes we trick ourselves into believing a lot of bullshit.

For example, the idea that anger is a "bad" emotion.  That "nice" people (especially nice girls) don't get good and angry sometimes.  That we should always forgive people, even when they continue to do or say hurtful things to us, over and over again.

How's that workin' out for you? 

It sure didn't work for me.

Jules over at Big Girl Bombshell is hosting his month's Self-Discovery series, and her word is ANGER.

At first, I thought, anger?  Not something light and fluffy, kittens and rainbows and lemony-fresh thoughts?  Then I realized I was once again buying into the myth that anger is a bad thing. 

Can anger be abused?  Absolutely.  I know people for whom anger is their go-to emotion.  Seems like they always keep a pot o' rage simmering on the stove, and the smallest slight, misunderstanding, or disagreement gets hoarded and tossed in the pot, a scalding weapon ready to throw in the face of their Significant Others in future arguments.  "Yes, but remember in 1998 when you said I looked stupid in my Leprechaun costume and striped stockings?"

For those AngryMen and AngryWomen, anger may have become addictive.  Anger is certainly a "safer" emotion than acknowledging fear, doubt, uncertainty.  It can be used as a weapon to control loved ones, whether it's the bitter cold, ice queen treatment (my ex was a pro at the Silent but Stomping manner), or the typical volcanic eruption that everyone in the family tiptoes around, fearful lest anything set it off.



from Wikimedia Commons


People also stuff anger down, with food (this would be me), sex, shopping, exercise, work...  I don't know how many times I would not allow myself to feel angry at something, and then later... Many days, weeks, months, pounds later - someone would do something that made me legitimately angry - say, took a parking spot, and smiled and flipped me the bird while doing so, and I would inwardly boil for hours about it.

Well.  The reason something as minor as a pilfered parking spot could make me furious for hours is all that bottled up anger.  I've come to realize that sooner of later, I'm going to have to experience all my deferred emotions: anger, sorrow, loneliness, fear...  Like a credit card, eventually everything that hasn't been paid or felt will come due.  With interest.

When it came to my OCPD ex, I had to finally get good and angry about the way he treated me.  Yes, maybe he's mentally disordered, maybe he couldn't help it, but dammit, I did not deserve to be treated that way.  By anybody.

Righteous anger is an essential part of motivating ourselves to make changes in ourselves, in our homes, in our world.

I'm learning (oh, so slowly!) to be more mindful, in the moment.  To try to let myself breathe and figure out what I'm feeling.  Am I feeling angry?  Is it real anger, or is it fear-in-drag (like when a child dashes across the street, almost getting hit by a car, and his parent swats his bottom)?

Okay, I'm feeling angry.  Why am I feeling angry?  Am I feeling anger in proportion to the offense, or am I dragging a lot of old baggage into it?

Now, what do I want to do with my anger?  This is where a lot of people blow it, literally.  What we do with our anger is a CHOICE, and there are always many choices.  We can scream at a loved one, or a stranger.  We can punch a hole in a wall, kick the cat, go for a swim, write a nasty letter, eat an entire cheesecake, take a deep breath and explain to the person why their suggestion is unacceptable, and offer an alternative, or try dozens of other things. 

from http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/

If we scream at a loved one, and try to excuse it, later, "I couldn't help it, you made me so angry," we're into Bullshit Territory again.  It's possible that their actions or speech did, indeed, make us feel angry, but screaming was our choice.  Possibly even the best choice for that particular situation, but we are lying to ourselves if we tell ourselves we couldn't have done anything but scream.

If we feel that someone is continually taking advantage of us in some way, getting angry is fine, but then we have choices.  Always borrowing the car without permission?  We make sure that person no longer has access to the keys.  We may, in fact, have to end a job, a marriage, or a friendship once we begin acknowledging our anger; or our anger may enable truly meaningful changes to take place.

I'm glad I'm learning how to sit with my anger.

How about you?  Got a lesson learned about anger?