Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem & Independence

Be a dragon - fiercely guarding your independence.

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence

Many obsessives hate to be dependent upon anything or anyone; they equate dependency with vulnerability. Unconsciously they feel that allowing their lives to revolve around another person would leave them open to utter devastation - should the other person turn against them, for example, or stop loving them, or even die. As a result, most don't let themselves depend too heavily even upon their closest friends and lovers.

<snip> For one thing, if you've made yourself completely dependent upon him, the obsessive may feel that you've imposed on him the frightening or burdensome responsibility of being absolutely indispensable to your emotional well-being. Given his need for a sense of options and freedom, this may both frighten and anger him.

<snip>Another aspect of being emotionally dependent on a relationship is that your sense of worth comes to rely upon feedback from the other person. Even minor variations in that feedback may cause your self-esteem and sense of security to plunge or soar. You're really setting yourself up for emotional turbulence if you rely too heavily upon approval or praise from some obsessives, because they aren't particularly good at expressing these things. Remember: their style of perception is to notice and be bothered by what's not right with things. And their need to guard their emotions may make it hard for them to show positive feelings or appreciation.

Cross the bridge, if you dare!

<snip> Start by trying to rediscover who you are - who you were before you met the other person. Work on developing separate interests and then pursue them vigorously, just as you would have if you had not become involved at this time. Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.

As you struggle to establish your separate self, feelings of anxiety and insecurity may assail you. You may feel empty or isolated at first. You may worry that you are jeopardizing the relationship by not paying it enough attention. Fight these feelings!  Try to act as if you felt strong and safe. Don't let the other person get the idea that your happiness or security depends entirely upon reassurance from him or her. More important, don't you accept that notion as unalterable true, because it isn't.

What is true is that at some point your friend or lover could decide to end the relationship, and you have no control over that. Throughout this book, I've discussed self-defeating aspects of the obsessive's need for complete control. The same dynamic applies to you. The more you attempt to mold your relationship, the more vigilantly you watch over it, the more likely you are to poison it. In some respects, the commitment-fearing obsessive is like a cat: most likely to remain close to you when you're absorbed in your own interests and to scoot away when you embrace it too vigorously.

Learn to accept the fact that any relationship could end. Find a way to resign yourself to that possibility. It's true that it would be extremely painful, but in the vast majority of cases, that pain is temporary. Don't think for a moment that you couldn't get through it. You could. And just as you have before, you would eventually find happiness with someone else.

***

The reflection enhances the bridge,
but the bridge exists, even if there was no reflection.
You are the bridge, not the reflection.

Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.  To me, this is the key sentence of the entire book, for partners, children, siblings, and co-workers of a Perfectionist Personality.  (Though you need to read the entire book to "get" the full picture of why obsessives behave as they do, and why hoovering and being enmeshed doesn't make things better, but instead is gasoline on the fire.)

No matter how much time, energy, and effort you pour into a relationship, you yourself can't fix it. What you can do is make things better for yourself, rediscover who you are.

Maybe you liked to paint, or bake bread, or carve wood, and were dissuaded, over time, because your partner was dismayed by the mess. Reclaim that hobby.  Maybe you used to meet once a week with friends to discuss reading or writing, and gave it up because you were tired of coming home to World War Three. (I know I did.)  Put it back on your schedule. Maybe you love exploring local museums and gardens - get a friend, or go on your own, if your partner hates that kind of thing.

 It will be hard.  You will get blowback, Your partner may pout, throw tantrums, or try to sabotage your efforts to reclaim your soul. Do it anyway. 

look at the variety of color in these roses!

 Eventually they may see that no matter what they say or do, you're going to go for coffee with your girlfriends on Thursday nights, or spend Saturday mornings working on your classic car - whatever YOUR "thing" is, as long as you still leave time for family activities (don't go overboard and spend all your time on you), they have no grounds to complain.  They will probably complain anyway, and it will be hard, and you will feel exhausted at first, but over time, you will feel the abandoned garden of your life sprouting roses again.

Remember not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It is enough to tell your partner, "Honey, I've decided to rejoin my Sunday night writers' group, starting this weekend. I'll be leaving at 6:30 on those nights and home around 10:30."

"Why? "
"Because I want to."
"But we usually spend Sunday nights watching TV. I guess you don't love me anymore, if you don't want to spend any time together.  And how will you ever be ready for work on Monday morning when you're out partying with your friends till late Sunday night?"
"Hon? Love you, done talking about this."
"But-"
"Done. Talking."

A real Wisteria Lane.

Did I mention it will be hard? The enmeshment probably happened slowly, gradually, and now it is as deep-rooted as ivy that has choked off every inch of the garden.  You might not feel like you know who "you" are, anymore, but whatever roles you fill: daughter, sister, aunt, mother, wife, friend, co-worker - you are MORE than that. You need to tap down to the root of you, water and fertilize it.

As mentioned in Too Perfect, if you depend upon a person who's hard-wired to notice flaws, to notice and compliment all your good qualities, you are doomed to disappointment. You must find a way to fill yourself up, separate and apart from your interactions with that person, no matter who s/he is or how long your relationship has lasted (if it's a parent, it's been your whole life).

If you reclaim you, your relationship may survive; it may improve, or it may end. But if your relationship is built upon you killing and sacrificing everything you love to do, everything that feeds your soul and makes you feel good about yourself, then are "you" really in that relationship, anyway?

Your thoughts?All photos, except for the Too Perfect book link, were taken by the author
at Pasadena's Huntington Gardens.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program

Metaphor is "in the moment."

This post continues with A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

A TWO-MONTH LEISURE RECLAMATION PROGRAM
If work has taken over your life, are you willing to try an experiment? For a limited period of time, can you spend less time working and more time living? To achieve that goal, I suggest you make the following changes for two months. <snip>

1.  Separate your work from your home life. Don't take work home with you. Or, if your job requires you to do all or part of your work at home, confine it to one room, preferably one that you can close off and leave behind.

2.  Limit your work sessions, and when the appointed quitting time comes, stop working, even if you're not completely finished. I'm not suggesting you be irresponsible and leave crucial tasks for the next day. But too many obsessives tell themselves that everything is crucial. <snip>

3.  Don't work weekends, unless doing so is absolutely critical. If it is, be miserly in the amount of time you give up. <snip> ... there are "three great American vices": efficiency, punctuality, and the desire for achievement and success. There are "the things that make the Americans so unhappy and nervous. They steal from their inalienable right of loafing and cheat them of many a good, idle and beautiful afternoon."

4.  Whenever it's time to stop working, consciously shift our mental focus to enjoying your free time. It may help to mark the transition from work to "play" in some way, by taking several deep breaths, for instance, or doing some stretching when you finally stand up and step away from your desk at the close of your work day.  <snip>

If you begin to feel uncomfortable or guilty about "not accomplishing anything," fight those feelings. Ask: "What is so terrible about taking the time to read this book, or enjoy this conversation? Don't I deserve to enjoy life just as much as anybody else?" 

More tips to come in the next post.

***

One of the things I have done in my new home, the apartment, is have a separate office for writing and filing. I don't watch TV in it, and I don't read in my office (except on the internet).  Mind you, I have a regular day job, so I'm not always "up" to come home and write - and that's okay.

Even though writing is both a pleasure/dream, and a side job of sorts, I try to always balance. Spend time with family and friends, spend time lying out by the pool. Sometimes I OD, either on writing jags, or on reading jags, or social butterfly weekends.

I work really hard on being mindful, on enjoying what I am doing. We do all deserve joy, time to ourselves, time away from work.

No one will ever be lying on his/her deathbed, regretting all the time NOT spent at work or obsessing over work-related activities.

Have you ever tried a two-month reclamation project?
What do you think about the "great American vices"?

Your thoughts?

Lessons of the Roller Rink

Blue disco quad roller skates (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I was in middle school, one of the few entertainment options for people my age was going to THE local roller rink. (Yes, there was only one.)

I will spare you the details of the boy I always hoped would Pick ME for the Couples Only skates (he's mostly foggy in my mind anyway) and move to my main point:

We almost always skated widdershins (counter-clockwise). It makes sense, in order to avoid carnage on the floor (which there would have been) that there was ONE official direction in which to skate. Most people are right-handed; beginner skaters could then clutch the safety bar along the wall with their right hands.

Most of us were also on rental skates, owned by the rink, since most parents didn't want to pony up for skates used perhaps a dozen times before their kids grew out of them.

However, several times a night they would turn on the light for all skaters to reverse direction.  So now we were going clockwise, instead of counter-clockwise.

It felt weird. It felt unnatural. Our bodies were accustomed to doing our cross-overs of right foot over left at the turns (mine were, anyway). Our vision wasn't used to watching out for out-of-control skaters coming at us from different directions.

More than that, the skates themselves were used to going in a different direction. The wheels bore a subtle wear pattern that made us want to circle left, like NASCAR, rather than circle right.

There were a lot more spills and accidents when everybody was going clockwise - more, even, than there were when the setting was for backwards skating only.

(If you're curious, I did, eventually, master learn to mostly stay upright when backwards skating. Nothing like these peeps, though. Though I did entertain fantasies of skating this well, which I would easily accomplish while in the company of the sweaty-handed boy from the grade above me.)

Any excuse to show Patrick Swayze performing is a good one, IMO.

Anyway, my point (and I do have one) is that when a pattern/habit is being changed, maybe there's more than one component. There's the mind, of course, with its patterns, and then perhaps one is having to work against an actual physical component that inclines a person to naturally lean left, as it were.   I remember sometimes having to really work against the skates that wanted me to go in that direction (which was directly into the wall). My mind would feel like it was totally in the groove, but my skates were saying, "Bitch, we don't care how and where you want to turn."

Sometimes I managed it. Sometimes I faceplanted.

I think, for those struggling with mental illness, or even long-ingrained habit, maybe we should cut ourselves a little slack when we fail, not get into blaming ourselves.  (Not that we should stop trying to end a bad habit, or start a new one.)

But maybe it's not ALL our mind or lack of willpower or negative attitude that causes us to fail.  Maybe sometimes it's a pair of funky skates.

Your thoughts?

The Most Amazing People Are "Crazy" - Like The Bloggess

So in the middle of the A-Z, one of the reasons I didn't get enough visiting/commenting done on the A-Z was I took a night off to go to The Bloggess's book signing.



Yep, that Bloggess. Jenny Lawson. NY Times motherfuckin' #1 author Jenny Lawson.

Who took over 10 years to pull this book together. Who suffers from.... mental illness.

Yep, mental illness. Anxiety disorders, OCD, and depression. And brilliance so hysterically funny it has come near to causing more than one childish accident as I almost wet myself laughing.

Like a lot of people, her gift has come at a price.



 Please know, if you "have Issues"... you don't have to give up. 

Please know that you're not alone.

Please know that even after years of pain/struggle, you may have something magnificent in you.

It may not be a NY Times bestseller.

But it will be something beautiful, and glorious; something only you can give to the world. Or even just give to your family or roommate.

You are worthy. You are amazing. You are crazy - perhaps. So what?

You're in excellent company.

Your thoughts?

Related articles

• And Then Jenny the Bloggess Signed My Tongue (dontspeakwhinese.com)
• A-Z: I've Got a Huge Girl-Crush on The Bloggess (writinginflow.blogspot.com)
• I Talked to The Bloggess: Let's Pretend This Never Happened Without a Confidence Wig (blogher.com)
• Book Review: LET'S PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED by Jenny Lawson (popculturenerd.com)

A-Z: Imposed Isolation Shrinks Your World

via imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalphotos.net

You ever fall in love, and at first, you're so happy and delighted with one another, you spend most of your time in a happy little cocoon, shutting out the rest of the world?  You might not even want to be separated from your new love long enough to bathe.

This may be natural, but as time goes in, in a normal relationship, you begin integrating family and friends back into your activities.  You want your best friend to know (and love) your guy; he wants his mother to meet and like you.

In a normal relationship.

In a relationship with a disordered person, the "I want you all to myself" phase continues, although the state of happiness goes from being constant to being rare.

They may smother you with attention, so you can't have contact with other people without their presence.  They may complain that your family/friends have been horribly rude to them.

Usually it's not a deliberate, Machiavellian plot to isolate you and make you dependent on the abuse. The disordered person may not even be consciously aware of what s/he is doing.

The end effect, however, is the same.

from Gay Partner Abuse Project:

IMPOSED SOCIAL ISOLATION
Imposed social isolation occurs with such frequency in domestic abuse that it deserves an independent classification. Partners are robbed of contact with other people, including family, friends, children and other loved ones to create a social deprivation that often causes the victim to be more reliant on the abuser while simultaneously preventing him from seeking support or successfully leaving the relationship. The following behaviors are the most commonly used in the imposition of social isolation:

• blame of partner's friends or family for the couple's relationship problems
• monitoring phone calls, mail, or visits.
• demanding an accounting of partner's daily activities
• insulting, threatening or assaulting partner's friends/family, driving people out of his life.
• forcing partner to choose between the couple relationship and loved ones.
• creating public scenes or disturbances when the partner is out with others.
• stalking partner or other forms of surveillance.

If you have a partner who manages to throw a scene nearly every time you go out to dinner with another couple... you're going to cut back on evenings out. Or if, every time you go out with your friends for a girls or guys night out, and return to Armageddon, even though on the surface your partner may agree that you have every right to do so, over time, you may decide the pleasure and relief is outweighed by the cost.

From Out of the Fog:

Imposed Isolation - Isolation from friends, family and supportive communities is common among victims of abuse. Isolation is sometimes caused by an abusive person who does not want their victim to have close relationships with others who may challenge their behavior. Often, isolation is self-imposed by abuse victims, who out of a sense of shame or guilt, fear the judgment of others.

Sometimes, people with personality disorders use a technique of "Divide and Conquer" to retain control over the people closest to them. One of the most effective ways to maintain an abusive cycle is to ensure that the abuse victim does not have access to outside support. People who represent social rivals or who have a close relationship with Non-PD's are often criticized, split black, and made unwelcome and the Non-PD is warned to stay away.

Often, those who are victims of abuse participate willingly in the isolation because they are afraid of what might happen if they reach out to others:

• Other's [sic] might not believe them
• Other's [sic] might spread embarrassing gossip about them.
• Others might try to intervene in a counter-productive way.
• The abuser may find out and punish them.

Examples of Isolation

• A woman is afraid to spend an evening with her friends because she knows her husband is jealous of the relationship she has with them and is afraid of how he will react when she comes home.
• A man is afraid to call his parents long-distance because he knows his wife is jealous of them and will complain about the cost.
• A young girl is afraid to spend time with peers because she is ashamed of her family abuse and does not want others to find out what goes on in her home.
• A mother of a girl who has attempted suicide does not attend social gatherings because she is afraid people might ask how her daughter is doing.
• A man will not speak to others about his wife's abuse of him because he is afraid he will look weak.

What NOT to Do:

• Don't assume you are the only person in the world who is going through what you are.
• Don't be ashamed of your situation.
• Don't blame yourself for someone else's bad behavior.
• Don't let yourself become Isolated.

What TO Do:

• Remember there are millions of people going through the same thing.
• Find people who understand Personality Disorders and who understand what you are going through.
• Find A friend, therapist, coach or mentor who you can trust and visit with them regularly.
• Pick the lesser of two evils - it is hard to break the silence but it is even harder to struggle alone.

If you are in a relationship and realize that you've become isolated, do everything you can to maintain or re-establish your lifelines to the outside world. Your number one job is to maintain your own safety and sanity, not to preserve the relationship at any cost.

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Have you even been emotionally isolated by a partner or parent?

Have you been concerned about a loved one
whose partner seems abusive?

Your thoughts?

Related articles

• Spotting the Signs of Emotional Abuse (everydayhealth.com)
• Is Your Teenager in an Abusive Relationship? (caring-unlimited.org)
• How Do I Know If There is Domestic Violence in My Relationship? (dvs.org.au)
• Saving A Loved One from a Destructive Relationship (perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com)

Too Perfect Tuesday - Chap 7 - Rumination: A Bitter Aftertaste

Tom Spetter

This post continues with Rumination: A Bitter  from Chapter Seven.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on he FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Rumination: A Bitter Aftertaste

A slightly different - but equally painful - thought pattern is known as rumination: chronic or repetitive unproductive thinking about some past event or experience.  You can ruminate about your own or someone else's errors or transgressions.

<snip> Kenneth, a forty-year old research physicist, became so upset about a used car he had uncharacteristically bought on impulse that he grew depressed, ultimately becoming convinced he would never sleep well as long as he owned it.  Though it worked perfectly, Kenneth went over every inch of the car looking for flaws and worrying about what he would do if it malfunctioned.  He suffered most, however, from his racking regret over having made the purchase at all.  He had always sneered at buyers of used cars; whatever could have prompted him to buy one himself?  Kenneth dwelt on his "bad decision" so intensely he felt exhausted and unable to concentrate on his work.

<snip> As with pathological worry, pathological rumination goes beyond the normal, expectable regrets or anger over unfortunate occurrences.  And just as worry is an hypertrophy of some normal level of alertness and concern, rumination is a much-exaggerated variant of the healthy ability to remember damaging or unpleasant experiences well enough to avoid repeating them.

***

My ex used to do this, frequently - revisit the bad memories or incidents. Re-enact them out loud, even.  The weird thing (to me) is that each and every time, the hurt/pain/anger level tended to increase with each replay.  He would relive the time his sister said XYZ to him and how terrible it was and how terrible she was.  He also played our fights on "repeat" and those would become distorted as well; he would get upset about what he remembered (wrongly) that I had said or done.

I think the key, above, is the word unproductive.  Of course we need to revisit what's happened, until we find some peace and/or humor in a situation.  I tend to avoid seafood, but several years back, I ate several crab cakes at ABC Restaurant, at the company party.  I subsequently spent the night puking my guts out in front of my bosses and co-workers.

Did I just get a bad one or two?  Am I allergic to them?  Who knows.

Reality: I can't change any of it.  Humiliating?  Sure.  On the other hand,  I've learned:

• Don't ever eat crab cakes at ABC restaurant again.
• Don't ever eat crab cakes at a work function again.
• The people I work with, several years later, have forgotten all about it (unless reminded). Even by the very next week, I'm pretty sure they had moved on to other things.  *I* am rarely thinking, for the most part, about them and their personal issues; I've got my own stuff to deal with.  Why would they obsess about mine?

I could also beat myself up about my hybrid car - the newer models have better batteries, get better gas mileage, etc.  If I had waited another year or two, I could have bought a much better car.

On the other hand, if I'd waited, the wheels probably would have fallen off my old car; it was getting pretty tired.  And I might have hit one of those periods where everyone wants to buy a hybrid and the prices went sky high.

There's truth that sometimes we do have to visit or revisit some ugly experiences - being raped or molested, for instance.  It can be like lancing a boil:  painful, ugly, messy, but in the end, a great relief.

But if you keep going over and over and over something from the past, and it's only making you feel worse - please consider getting some help.

Do you get stuck revisiting painful thoughts or memories?
Your thoughts?

Anyone Get the License Plate Number of that Truck?

via Rhys Asplundh at Flickr

I never saw it coming.

One of the things that happens when a person in a relationship with an OCPD'r begins telling stories to outsiders about the worst moments, is people look at you like you're insane.  Like either you're a liar and making stuff up, because the person who is so nice in public couldn't behave like that at home.  Or because you'd have to be a blithering idiot to sign up for that kind of abuse.

Well, we didn't sign up for it.  Most of us dated a person who seemed (relatively) normal, if a little quirky.  But don't we all have quirks?

Theirs seemed harmless enough, perhaps even an improvement over our own habits.  If he was excessively careful about his personal appearance, this seemed like a nice change from guys who were content to go out in public in a ratty T-shirt.  Maybe she seemed a little hung up on cleaning and arranging everything, but aren't women "supposed" to be like that?

They loved us and we loved them and we had excellent chemistry together.  They were smart and funny and seemed to be more organized and "together" than a lot of other people we'd been involved with.

And then the relationship moved to the next level, and like the frog in the pot of cold water, the heat gradually increased.  Or some "event" happened - marriage, moving in together, a new baby - and like a werewolf during a full moon, they transformed into an OCPD raging monster.

Everybody is on their best behavior while courting, anyway.  That initial stage of being "in love" that lasts anywhere from 4-6 months to up to two years.  During that time, the dopamine (feel-good/reward hormone) and oxytocin (promotes attachment) levels go way up.  So the anxiety and fear which seems to be at the root of OCPD controlling behaviors (if I do everything perfectly, and anticipate every possible catastrophe, bad things won't happen) is not simply masked, but overwhelmed.

But "the good guy hormones" will eventually take a break.  And now, because we have been added to the list of things the OCPD'r feels s/he must manage and control, lest disaster ensue, their anxiety level shoots way up.

Image via WikipediaIt may be sweet at first, being fussed over, "Let's get those boots off you; I hope you didn't get your feet wet." "Make sure to wear your warm coat," but in a severely OCPD person, it becomes panic when you're driving.  (I blogged earlier about Mrs. Potatohead.) And "don't you realize if you leave the toaster plugged in it could burn the house down!"  Bring on the Crazy Rules!

It wasn't that they were being deceptive or putting on a deliberately false front; things were wonderful between us, and then (from the POV of an OCPD'r) we changed.  We started doing things that were annoying, slovenly, or downright dangerous.  We made mistakes, and mistakes are not permitted in OCPD, aka Perfectionism on steroids (except on a theoretical level).  Mistakes could lead to disaster.

If we only cared as much as they did, we wouldn't make mistakes.  At the very least, we would obsess over them as much as they did.

What?  They make mistakes, too?  Not possible.

Because OCPD is a mental disorder, those who have it are subject to distorted thinking.  They pride themselves on logic, therefore, even if they made a mistake, they get locked into loops where their reasoning in making a mistake - they were misled by circumstances, and so it really isn't their fault after all - is defended to the death.

Early on, we may get suckered in to trying to persuade an OCPD'r to see our point of view (aka JADEing).


What keeps us in the relationship, beyond the initial bonding is the difference between OCPD and say, a Narcissist or sociopath.  They don't torture their loved ones for the sheer sadistic pleasure of it, like a deranged child pulling the wings off flies to see them struggle. At the root of some horrifically abusive behaviors is genuine worry, genuine caring.  No matter how bad things get, we know and sense they deeply care.  There are moments when they have flashes of insight, or seem to revert to the fun, caring person we fell in love with.  We think, we hope, this time, the insights are going to stick.

And then the fog rolls in.  Sometimes it rolls out again, and everything we hope for happens - the OCPD'r gets hit by the cosmic two-by-four, realizes the problem isn't with everybody else, but in fact, within his/her own head.  S/he gets serious about changing her life, for herself, and with professional help, begins working to untwist OCPD-think and long-formed habits.  These people are true heroes.

More often, the fog doesn't roll out, the behaviors worsen, and we reach a point where we can no longer stay in the situation, living on thin hope that our partner will see the light and be willing to put in the very hard work to change.  S/he may be in denial or anosognosia; may have made moderate changes but our tolerance threshold has been exceeded.  We realize we can't stay and remain sane.

The one thing we need to do, the one thing we can do, is examine our own co-dependent behaviors.  Do we see ourselves as a Rescuer? Do we think our partner will crumble into a thousand bits if we leave him?  (I believed mine would; saw him a few weeks ago, he is just fine.  Well, he is not "fine," he is still dysfunctional, but no more dysfunctional than when I broke up with him.)

Do we pride ourselves on being kind and understanding (I certainly did) even while our "kindness" is helping neither us nor our partners?  In many ways, I think my ex is relieved I am gone.  In retrospect, I don't believe, for all my good intentions, I budged him one micrometer towards mental health, despite all the agony and heart-rending pain I went through.

I'm not saying it's right for you to go.  We all must make the decision to go, stay, or stay for now, according to what seems right for us.  It takes different kinds of strength to make each decision.

If you have made the decision to leave (or ask to leave) a disordered partner, I applaud you.  If you have made the decision to stay and work with him/her, because s/he is truly trying, I applaud you.  If you have made the decision to stay for now - until the kids are in college, the MasterCard is paid off, whatever - I applaud you.  If you have already left, I applaud you.  If you are getting professional counseling for yourself, I stand and applaud you.

Those of us who've been in that situation, know it's not black-and-white.  We didn't deliberately pick out a monster and choose to live with him or her, because we thought getting berated and criticized every day would be loads of fun.  More like, we checked carefully before entering the crosswalk, and got hit by a truck anyway.

And for those behind the wheel of the truck, with OCPD, who feel like they're in that defective Toyota, trying frantically to make the brakes work, turn the engine off - you know I love and respect you, as well.  My hope is that someday, we can find out how to turn the brakes back on, so you can drive and brake just like everybody else.

The Relationship Was Toast from the Beginning

Image via WikipediaNot that I realized this.

See, I'm a breakfast-y person.  I have been since back in the day on the pill, I had to take my pill and vitamins with food, otherwise they made me nauseated.  I had an irregular work schedule, so my lunch and dinner were always at different times, but I could always have breakfast before work.  Might just be a bagel and some orange juice, or a bowl of cereal, but I always eat something in the morning.

Later, when I would spend the night at (an early)  boyfriend's place, if I/we had work we'd get up early and make love, then he'd treat me to IHOP.  If we didn't have work he'd make us breakfast, then we'd go back to bed and make love some more.

With a brief break for the child-rearing years, I became addicted to the whole cycle of lovemaking/breakfast/more lovemaking.  Perhaps lingering in bed or on the couch, watching old movies and cuddling, long past noon.  All of my lovers enjoyed it too, until...

At first, when I began seeing OCPD ex, we would make love first thing in the morning - but he was still caring for his aged father, so he would have to get up, go bathe and feed him.  Later, he was still set in that routine of get up and get the day started.  We might make love (morning wood), we might even linger in bed for an hour or two on a Sunday morning watching TV, but he was not a breakfast-y person.

Not knowing about OCPD, I thought it would just be a matter of time to coax him into such a fun, sensual experience on the weekends.  Memories of loveplay in the kitchen, kissing and caresses and feeding one another tidbits while making omelettes or blueberry muffins...  Forget about it.  One person in the kitchen at a time.  He had no interest in sharing the kitchen with me if I was cooking, and it was a federal offense if he was cooking and I came in, playfully grabbed his butt or kissed him.

A lot of times he claimed queasiness in the morning, that if he ate anything he would get sick.  (Since he self-medicated his anxiety with copious amounts of alcohol, can you say hangover, boys & girls?)  Most of the time, if I wanted a weekend cooked breakfast, I ate alone.  Sometimes he would allow me to fix a weekend breakfast for him, too, but we always ate at the table, never in bed or at the couch.   No loveplay during food preparation, at the table, or afterwards.

I missed a lot of things I'd come to believe were a normal part of a love relationship, but this one was a biggie for me.

And frequently, even when he "allowed" me to make him breakfasts, he found fault with them anyway.  The eggs were over or underdone.  Or cold (which often happened because he would delay coming to the table).  I prepared too much food.  Once I made scrambled eggs with bits of bacon crumbled into them.  Though he'd never told me, I should have known he didn't like bacon, ever, in any form.

He didn't even like the way I buttered his toast.  Generously, with the butter extending all the way to the edges of the toast.  That meant he got icky butter on his fingers, so unpleasant!  I began, on breakfast mornings, to simply put out the butter dish and a knife, slap the dry toast on his plate, and let him butter his own damn toast.  That way, he could leave the edges dry the way he liked them.

Although I am not yet ready to take a new lover, I am back to enjoying breakfasts again.  Quickies during the week; on the weekends, perhaps a big eggwhite scramble with broccoli, cheese and tomato.  I don't have to buy the bread he preferred, but can experiment: double fiber, whole wheat, potato bread...   Sometimes I even put jam on my toast!
Image via Wikipedia

This morning, a work day, I had a decadent two slices of Cinnabon toast (cinnamon gave him heartburn, he said) with butter (Smart Start butter substitute) spread all the way to the edge, so that each bite was equally flavorful.

I enjoyed it, but it makes me wonder...  It's been a year and a half since I moved out.  When will I stop remembering and reacting to that relationship, every time I butter my damn toast?  I enjoyed it, I am grateful to be able to do it the way I want without criticism or disgusted looks, but shouldn't I be over emotionally reacting by now?

Or is this a good thing, part of mindful eating?  I don't feel I am there yet, I think the hurt/trauma is still taking up a bit too much real estate in my mind.

What do you think?  Should I be over this by now?  Do you have hurts/traumas that are taking you longer to get over than you think they should?


As always, I love and appreciate your feedback.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chapt 3 - Rising Above Perfectionism Aim for Average, Overcoming Work or Study Blocks

photo by tanakawho at Flickr 
Call on the power of the duck to help you work

This post continues with AIM FOR AVERAGE & OVERCOMING WORK OR STUDY BLOCKS from Chapter Three.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

AIM FOR AVERAGE

If certain tasks daunt you because you dread having to meet your own standards of perfection, it may help to imagine what a B-minus student, writer, attorney or radiologist would accomplish.  Force yourself to perform only that well, in the interests of accomplishing the task.  You'll be amazed not only by the amount of work you'll produce, but also by its quality; it won't suffer as much as you think.  You're not a B-minus worker, and that will show through, no mater what you do.  And with fewer trivial details to obscure them, your main points will carry more force and be clearer.

You may find it useful to give yourself as many little exercises as you can in being B-minus.  Take letter writing.  Instead of watching your unanswered correspondence pile up while you wait for the time and inspiration to produce missives to rival Lord Chesterfield's, give yourself fifteen minutes to produce a brief, very average letter.  You'll receive two immediate benefits; you'll have one less letter to write, and your correspondent will be glad to know you're alive and thinking of him or her, however briefly and ineloquently.  <snip>

In similar fashion, try being a faster, B-minus Christmas shopper, housekeeper, painter, cook, landscaper.  And before you insist that you don't want to be a B-minus anything, try it a few times.  <snip>

OVERCOMING WORK OR STUDY BLOCKS

If perfectionism is inhibiting your progress on certain tasks that require concentration, besides working to change your attitude ("They must be done perfectly!"), you might also try changing the way in which you organize your work time.

Prepare to tackle the troublesome work in short, very structured periods, instead of long, open-ended sessions which create the illusion that you have unlimited time, and thus can dawdle and focus endlessly on details.

Plan a two-hour work session,  If you feel you'll need some breaks, schedule them; for example, allow yourself five minutes off between the twenty-fifth and thirtieth minutes of each half hour.  <snip>

As you fine-tune this method, you'll find that even though you're spending less time working, you'll be much more productive than you were when faced with dreaded, interminable sessions.  <snip>

***

I, too, hate to think of myself as B-minus anything.

Sign available via PopArt UK

Except perhaps a B-minus housekeeper.  That would prolly be a step up.

And yet, when I think about the hugundous time and energy investment required to be an A+ everything, that little voice inside me screams, HELL, no!  Doesn't yours?

I'm choosing to strive for A+ in the things that really, really matter to me, and allow myself to be a B-minus in those that don't.  I can certainly testify that while I enjoy receiving long chatty letters and e-mails, I'd rather get 1-2 short ones every year than one volume of War & Peace every ten.  Really, how do you answer one of those?

And speaking of two-hour sessions... Been blogging much too long, today, time for a break.

I do tend to work in marathon session, then get so burned out I dread the next one.  So, breaks for me today, the better to work into the night!

Do you too think you must be A+ rather than B-minus at everything?

Have you gotten over it?

How about working in increments, and taking regular breaks?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chapt 3 Not So Perfect Relationships Cutting the Clutter

This post continues with Rising Above Perfectionism: CUTTING THE CLUTTER, from Chapter Three.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Rising Above Perfectionism


CUTTING THE CLUTTER
Streamline your life, from your verbal style to your physical surroundings.  <snip>  The irrational worries mentioned earlier will keep trying to assert themselves.  They are habits.  Don't let them in.  Imagine them pulling you away from the current and, just as in completing a task, slap your hand on the desk, and say "Move!" take a deep breath, relax and refocus, then get going. 

If it is excess belongings that are cluttering your life, make the effort to pare them down.  <snip>  Another hidden rationalization for hoarding items goes like this: you want to do certain things with the items someday (sew that torn dress, read that magazine, repair that car), so you're saving them until you have more time.  To get rid of them would be to admit defeat - that you'll never do those things you feel you ought to do.

Once again, look at your personal history and ask yourself how likely you are to have a lot more spare time in the foreseeable future.  If the answer is"not very likely," then why are you saving these items?  Is it to avoid facing the fact that you can't do everything that "should" be done - that you're not perfect?  Wouldn't it be better to face that fact than to continue living with a useless pile of clutter?

***

It would be better... but hoarders can't do it.  Most non-hoarders will look at a scrap of paper with a mystery phone number written on it, shrug, and toss it, with perhaps a momentary twinge of loss/annoyance.

From Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things by Randy O. Frost & Gail Stekete

Even losses that were not emotional were troubling, particularly the loss of a potential opportunity. I got a sense of this one day as we excavated in Irene's TV room. She came across a piece of paper with a telephone number written on it. Judging from its depth in the pile and the fact that it was yellowing, it had been there for quite some time, possibly years. Clearly, she had written it in haste on whatever she could find. As was the case for most of the information in the pile from which it came, she had not taken the time to identify it or put it in a phone or address book — it was just a number on a piece of paper. When she picked it up, she exclaimed, "Oh, a phone number! I'll put it here on the pile where I can see it and deal with it later."

"Why do you think it is worth keeping that number?" I asked. She said, "Well, I made an effort to write it down, so clearly it was important to me. And it will just take a minute to call and find out what it is. I don't want to do it now, though, because it will interrupt us." She hadn't made the call in all the years the paper had sat in the pile. Whether making the call would have helped her make a decision about keeping the number is uncertain. Perhaps the idea of a potential opportunity that the number provided was better than the reality provided by making the call.

Irene would churn - sort through the same stacks of paper, newspaper clipping, etc., over and over again.  To a lesser extent, I know I do this myself.  For whatever stupid reason, it bugs the hell out of me to "do" file folder labels, so I'll wait until I have at least a dozen or so to do, then prepare them, slap them on the file folders, and only then do I put everything neatly away.

I can relate to the "getting stuck," not wanting to admit I will never finish that cross-stitch project or read that magazine which contains some really good articles.  But I can - and do - get over it.  I may have a cluttered desk, but most of my home is not cluttered.  I keep things I need & use (food, clothes, shampoo, etc.), things that make me money (computer, software, reference material), and work on keeping the things I love (books!) to a reasonable level.

People who share moderate amounts of "stuckness" have recommended FlyLady as a helpful resource.

My ex still has jeans he wore in high school, with busted zippers, in a size he'll never wear again.  A large collection of scarves, gloves, and hats (we live in SoCal, and never went skiing.  Surely one, or even two sets, would have been plenty.)  The videotape collection, previously mentioned.  A non-working street motorcycle last registered in 1978.  So much stuff that did not make his or our life any richer, that he spent twenty times as much time churning over as it would have taken him to put them up on Craigslist, and goodbye!

I would be very interested to hear of anyone who has had long-term success in treating a hoarder.  It seems like all the success stories I have heard relate to those whose tendency to hoard is nipped by a partner in the beginning stages, not reversed in someone who already had piled up too much "I could find a use for that!" stuff.

If you have any links, please share, below.

Or, if you have stories of how YOU have battled hoarding tendencies. 

P.S. check out MIL Still Between Us, Tetanus Burger (both with wonderful pictures.) 

Guest Post - The Sentence

photo by gnuckx at Flickr

The Sentence by "Thusie"

'Tis not good for man to be alone, yet to be myself is not allowed
So, here I stand on my own, isolated in a crowd
A secret hidden deep inside, too terrible to be known
With no one ever to confide, I face these demons all alone.

Perhaps, I could just say a word, but no one understands.
My voice too jumbled to be heard, like a stranger in foreign lands.
My worries, struggles, can't be seen, buried so deep inside
The mystery of who I’ve been, cut off, access denied.

Alone, an island, forgotten lost, far out in the sea.
My soul pays an untold cost, my heart cries out an unheard plea.
My very life a prison cell, of pain and agony.
And who guards this living hell? Oh God, it's only me!

***

The poem, above, was written by someone grappling with the question as to whether he is truly helping his OCPD partner by staying with her, or whether he should leave.  Has he, by helping her disguise this condition and put on a good front for family, neighbors, and others, been doing more enabling than supporting?  Will his leaving, if he does leave, provide that "cosmic two-by-four" as some with OCPD have called it, forcing her to wake up and see that she needs more help than he can provide?  

Or, if he leaves, will her condition continue to deteriorate?

I don't want to, for one moment, minimize how hard many with OCPD struggle against the condition, and how brave those people are.

For those who see the overly perfectionistic behaviors as a benefit, a superiority, and don't realize the deep pain they may be bringing to those they love - it's not as a simple as denial.  They truly don't "get" that they have a mental disorder.  It's possible that this is due to the very wiring in their brains that makes them different from a "normal" person (whatever that is) in the first place.

However, when you have stayed with someone for years, hoping to help them, and rather than improving, they are clearly getting worse, it is agonizing.  As beautifully expressed in this poem.

Your thoughts?

Family Frenzy on the 4th

For most Americans, the 4th of July is not simply a celebration of American's declaration of independence from England, but a major family holiday, with all the joys - and traumas - that represents.

Picnics, and barbecues, and family gatherings.  Family having a great time together, family dysfunctions on parade.  Pool time, beach time, lake time, and Solarcaine time. 

And, of course, the fireworks. 


I would encourage my readers, who are celebrating (or not) this holiday, not to put huge amounts of pressure on yourselves to create the "perfect" family holiday.  Comparisons to childhood memories, whether those memories are happy or painful, are inevitable, but the only person insisting that we have to make this one better is us.

Actually, we don't have to make this event "the best one yet."  Actually, it's okay if we muck up the potato salad or don't make it to the beach.  Or even if we miss the fireworks [gasp].

Life will go on.  Be kind to yourself, be grateful for the freedom and family and friends you have, and try to take life's little uncertainties and disappointments with a grain of salt.  If you love or live with an OCPDr, and s/he is in freakout mode due to the extra stress over the holiday, try to understand it is because of her/his anxiety, and don't take it personally.  It's not about you.

Breathe in, breathe out.  This too shall pass.

Belated Happy Canada Day, and early Happy Independence Day.

Birthdays, Glee, and the Amazing Technicolor Roses

My sister sent me these roses for my birthday.
Yes, they're real.

I celebrated a milestone birthday last week, and my thoughts are more scattered than usual, but I am feeling a quiet sort of contentment and happiness, with a tinge of sadness.

Birthdays are usually a mixed bag of emotion for me, because my birthday is also the anniversary of my mother's death from breast cancer.

Last year at this time, I turned the age my mother was when she died.  This year, I surpassed it.

Last year, I was in mental and emotional agony over the fact that my OCPD boyfriend, who I dearly loved (and still do love) was willing to let me leave, rather than get help for his mental and physical illnesses.  This year, I have (mostly) accepted that it is not and never was my job to "fix" him.

Last year, because the "shared" garage was devoted to non-operational vehicles and his hoard, most of the personal belongings that were meaningful to me were in boxes; said boxes were in a storage facility miles away, and filthy with dust.  So anytime I wanted to read a book, work on a craft project, etc. it meant arduous effort.  This year, my grandmother's china is proudly on display, my books are on bookshelves all around me, and my craft projects... well, I've worked on them a little.

No clue how it's done - they are NOT painted.

Last year, one of my hurts was that every time I tried to write, I was confronted with jealousy and interference from my boyfriend.  This year, I have written something almost every day.  Some of it even on my novel!

Last year, social events were few and far between, and always iffy when it came to b-f's attendance.  At least half of the time, he would plead ill health at the last minute and try to emotionally manipulate me into feeling bad if I went without him.  (Like when my writer friends held a dinner for me, to celebrate my getting a literary agent.)

Although I learned not to sucker into the guilt-tripping several years ago, it was still inconvenient and embarrassing having to show up at events without my partner.  Then again, when he did go, I was always on tenterhooks as to whether he would get obnoxiously drunk and pick a fight or otherwise melt down and make a scene.

This year, my social life is my own, and the only person who can embarrass me in public is me.

Last night I attended what was basically Glee live.  Burroughs and Burbank High Schools (which inspired Glee)  show choirs put on a combined show as a fund-raiser for Burbank schools arts programs.  I went with old and new friends, and it was much fun.


I didn't go planning to record, but the performances were such fun I decided to capture just a tiny taste.  They're selling DVDs of the show, too, which I just may have to buy.

This started out with the Day-O, Banana boat song, and segued into this:


Ex-boyfriend was such a snob about what "we" watched or what we did.  He felt he had refined tastes and liked nature programs, PBS, and dramas, but wasn't above his Two-and-A-Half Men, Cops, and Rehab (that's a reality show set in some Las Vegas chi-chi bar.)  The TV was on 24/7, and he felt insulted if I chose to sit and read rather than watch TV with him.

He would have had to be dragged to a show like this - although he would have loved it, had he gone and not done a last-minute bail.   The kids (and these are actual high school kids performing, not professionals) were really good.

There's so much that my ex refused to see, try, places to go, friendships to be open to...  I am so happy not to be living in his crazy cage any more.

I feel like my life is moving forward. I'm still digging out of debt - the security deposit, higher rent, furniture purchases, etc., all went on plastic, but I don't regret a dime of it (except when the statements come.)

I wish he'd have been willing to move forward too, but he was too afraid.  And after six years begging, reasoning, bargaining, and threatening,  all the while his behavior continued to get worse and more abusive, there was nothing else I could do but move on, without him.

Still, I feel sad for leaving him behind.

Your thoughts?

As You're Not

Say you're sorry,
even though
i know
you're not.

You don't know
how to be
anything other than
unchallenged champion of
backhanded slights,
poisonous stings,
crushing complaints,
self-serving lies,
the hero of
your own stories.
You see the world
as it isn't,
so you don't have to be
who you are.

Say you're sorry,
so I can remember you
as you're not.

This poem was written by my friend Karen G for Nat Po Wri Mo (poets were challenged to write a poem a day, and used with her permission, here.)   If you've ever been in a relationship with a disordered person, I'm sure you understand why it grabbed me so strongly.

I think one of the hardest things to accept is they don't get why/how they have hurt us so.  We get trapped into thinking, if I can only explain this better, if I can just convey exactly how hurt and terrible it makes me feel when s/he belittles, name-calls, condescends, won't listen, is nastily sarcastic... surely s/he will stop doing it.  We try and try and try, but somehow, the message doesn't get through.




It's not a failure to communicate at all.

I don't believe that people with distorted thinking are evil, but until they accept that their world view is what needs tweaking, not ours, we can try to "communicate" until we're blue in the face, and they won't get it. 

I know I upset him too.  I never followed all the shower rules (though I did try.)  I surprised him by bringing home impulse food buys from the grocery store.  I would touch his shoulder or pat his butt in passing.  I know now, that to a person with OCPD, these kinds of things are hugely upsetting, but I meant well.  

He never seemed to see that, to give me the benefit of the doubt, but each time I did or said something unexpected, he would turn on me as though I was an enemy.  He would keep me from hurting him by hurting me first, by keeping me at a distance, calling me names, putting me down at every opportunity.

I know that he loved me in his way, that he truly would have taken a bullet for me. (Bullet, yes, shrink's couch - hell no!)

I got plenty of "I'm sorry's."  Lots of "I'm sorry if you took that the wrong way," or "were too sensitive," or even, sometimes, a full-out, "I'm sorry.  That was uncalled for and I shouldn't have said it." 

I have friends who think it would make them feel better, just to get one sincere apology.  And for me, it did at first.  It made me feel like there was hope, like he was seeing the damage he was doing to me, to us.   Finally!

Then it got to be like the neighbor who keeps stealing your parking spot.  After the 11th time they've apologized but done it again anyway, and you realize they have no intention of changing the behavior, it's just meaningless noise.  And perhaps, another verbal weapon, "I said I was sorry!  What's wrong with you that you can't forgive and forget?!"

Part of the growth, part of my healing, is that I need to work it out without depending on the right apologies or closure from him. 

How about you?  Did this poem speak to you, too?

Have you learned to move on without needing closure 

from a damaged person, or...?

My Favorite Mistake?? I Don't Think So

In Newsweek on April 17, Judith Regan wrote a piece called "My Favorite Mistake."   Regan, you might remember, was a powerful editor at Simon & Schuster.  Newsweek describes her as the biggest woman in publishing in 1986. In 2006, following her controversial decision to publish OJ Simpson's book "If I Did It," she ended up leaving HarperCollins, under something of a cloud.  Most recently she has begun a radio show, hence the publicity push.

Photo by chillihead at Flickr

I never could understand why a woman would choose to publish such a work, but then, I never understood the attraction of some women to the incarcerated, either.  Although one might reasonably argue I don't have a great track record in choosing men, I never considered, "Oooh, I want to marry one of the Menendez brothers, he's so cute and I'm sure that blasting the parents to bits with a shotgun was an accident."

So, in this short article she talks about falling in love, and what happened next.

It was in my rearview mirror that I first saw him. He was trying to steal my parking space and I flew off the handle until I took a good look at his face. He was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen, and when he jumped out of his car and came toward me, he smiled, leaned in my window, and asked, with infinite charm, if I’d have lunch … and a baby with him. I said yes, and I did, and it was wild, passionate, and, yes, crazy.

Our son was born. A year later, placenta previa ignited my labor and our premature daughter passed away. This man turned violent: black eyes, broken windows, suicide threats, and, finally, he took off. Our son was just a toddler.

photo by Creativity103 at Flickr

For years I wanted to fix him, to get him help so he could be the father I thought my son deserved. I rented him an apartment in New York so he would visit. But he drank too much, caroused too much, and hurt us too much. After years of disappointment, I let go of him. For me, he was no longer my son’s “father.” He was just “The Inseminator.”

This was actually a healthy reaction - at last.  The trying to fix him, to get him help - all co-dependent behaviors, and all doomed to failure, because we can't fix somebody who doesn't want to be fixed.  No matter how long or how hard or earnestly we try.

So, years pass, the OJ Simpson fiasco has come and gone, and her son is getting married.  She sees the abusive ex again at the wedding, only now he's sick and attended by a nurse.

<snip>He seemed not at all the image of the irresponsible swashbuckler I’d carried with me for so long. I was filled with overwhelming regret that I had turned my back on him.

I should have answered his calls. I should have forgiven him. I should have let go of the disappointment long ago. What a horrible mistake I’d made to abandon all hope, to empty my heart of any possibility of love or compassion.

This woman is kicking herself because she finally stopped laying down like a doormat for somebody who'd treated her and her children so badly, and begging him to come take another stroll.  Wipe the dog poo off his shoes, jump up and down, it's all good.

Now I think I understand why she had so much sympathy for OJ Simpson, and felt the poor man should really be able to tell his story.   I am guessing (of course, I am not inside her head) that she felt she was doing something noble by giving OJ a book deal when nobody else would touch him with a 20 foot pole.

What I find scary is the idea that other women (and men) would read something like her article and say, "Oh, gee, maybe later I will regret not giving Igor another chance.  It's true, I did give him 32 second chances, but maybe the 33rd would have been the one that did the trick for him.  Maybe I gave up too soon."

photo by Steve Snodgrass on Flickr

No.  There is a difference between "forgiving" someone, and being a sucker.  There is a difference between abandoning false hope that we can make someone change, and holding onto a grudge.  Compassion does not mean accepting whatever sh*t the other person wants to dish out, until such time as his/her arm gets worn out scooping it on our heads.

What do you think of that article?  (Click the link to read it in full)

Do you think Regan is offering a good lesson, 

or do you think her regrets are unhealthy? 

Leave a comment and weigh in.