Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Guest Post - The Sentence

photo by gnuckx at Flickr

The Sentence by "Thusie"

'Tis not good for man to be alone, yet to be myself is not allowed
So, here I stand on my own, isolated in a crowd
A secret hidden deep inside, too terrible to be known
With no one ever to confide, I face these demons all alone.

Perhaps, I could just say a word, but no one understands.
My voice too jumbled to be heard, like a stranger in foreign lands.
My worries, struggles, can't be seen, buried so deep inside
The mystery of who I’ve been, cut off, access denied.

Alone, an island, forgotten lost, far out in the sea.
My soul pays an untold cost, my heart cries out an unheard plea.
My very life a prison cell, of pain and agony.
And who guards this living hell? Oh God, it's only me!


The poem, above, was written by someone grappling with the question as to whether he is truly helping his OCPD partner by staying with her, or whether he should leave.  Has he, by helping her disguise this condition and put on a good front for family, neighbors, and others, been doing more enabling than supporting?  Will his leaving, if he does leave, provide that "cosmic two-by-four" as some with OCPD have called it, forcing her to wake up and see that she needs more help than he can provide?  

Or, if he leaves, will her condition continue to deteriorate?

I don't want to, for one moment, minimize how hard many with OCPD struggle against the condition, and how brave those people are.

For those who see the overly perfectionistic behaviors as a benefit, a superiority, and don't realize the deep pain they may be bringing to those they love - it's not as a simple as denial.  They truly don't "get" that they have a mental disorder.  It's possible that this is due to the very wiring in their brains that makes them different from a "normal" person (whatever that is) in the first place.

However, when you have stayed with someone for years, hoping to help them, and rather than improving, they are clearly getting worse, it is agonizing.  As beautifully expressed in this poem.

Your thoughts?