No, we don't plan to do things wrong. The pressure to do everything perfectly, even as a child, to hide our faults, flaws and mistakes, leads to unhealthy dynamics. not healthy ones.
What's especially crazymaking is if there is sexual, physical, and/or emotional abuse going on, and as children (or spouses) we are expected to present a facade of normalcy to the outside world. And then others tell us how lucky we are to have such a great dad/mother or partner. We begin to question whether something is wrong with us, that the person who hurts us so, can be so nice to other people.
Family is supposed to be the place where we are physically and emotionally safe. Where we can make mistakes and spill milk and still be loved and valued.
Maybe there is some gentle teasing going on. Some would say that any teasing whatsoever is cruel and destructive. IMO it's okay to giggle if somebody farts loudly or locks the keys in the car. As long as it is gentle and good-natured, and no one person in the family is always picked on, and the teasing immediately ceases if the teasee appears hurt. Which is a very fine line, I know.
Did your FOO (Family Of Origin) ace Dysfunction 101?
What kind(s) of secrets were you expected to hide from the world?
Do you agree or disagree that gentle teasing can be okay?