The Use and Misuse of Anger



from BarbaraWilliams2010 at Flickr


Sometimes we trick ourselves into believing a lot of bullshit.

For example, the idea that anger is a "bad" emotion.  That "nice" people (especially nice girls) don't get good and angry sometimes.  That we should always forgive people, even when they continue to do or say hurtful things to us, over and over again.

How's that workin' out for you? 

It sure didn't work for me.

Jules over at Big Girl Bombshell is hosting his month's Self-Discovery series, and her word is ANGER.

At first, I thought, anger?  Not something light and fluffy, kittens and rainbows and lemony-fresh thoughts?  Then I realized I was once again buying into the myth that anger is a bad thing. 

Can anger be abused?  Absolutely.  I know people for whom anger is their go-to emotion.  Seems like they always keep a pot o' rage simmering on the stove, and the smallest slight, misunderstanding, or disagreement gets hoarded and tossed in the pot, a scalding weapon ready to throw in the face of their Significant Others in future arguments.  "Yes, but remember in 1998 when you said I looked stupid in my Leprechaun costume and striped stockings?"

For those AngryMen and AngryWomen, anger may have become addictive.  Anger is certainly a "safer" emotion than acknowledging fear, doubt, uncertainty.  It can be used as a weapon to control loved ones, whether it's the bitter cold, ice queen treatment (my ex was a pro at the Silent but Stomping manner), or the typical volcanic eruption that everyone in the family tiptoes around, fearful lest anything set it off.



from Wikimedia Commons


People also stuff anger down, with food (this would be me), sex, shopping, exercise, work...  I don't know how many times I would not allow myself to feel angry at something, and then later... Many days, weeks, months, pounds later - someone would do something that made me legitimately angry - say, took a parking spot, and smiled and flipped me the bird while doing so, and I would inwardly boil for hours about it.

Well.  The reason something as minor as a pilfered parking spot could make me furious for hours is all that bottled up anger.  I've come to realize that sooner of later, I'm going to have to experience all my deferred emotions: anger, sorrow, loneliness, fear...  Like a credit card, eventually everything that hasn't been paid or felt will come due.  With interest.

When it came to my OCPD ex, I had to finally get good and angry about the way he treated me.  Yes, maybe he's mentally disordered, maybe he couldn't help it, but dammit, I did not deserve to be treated that way.  By anybody.

Righteous anger is an essential part of motivating ourselves to make changes in ourselves, in our homes, in our world.

I'm learning (oh, so slowly!) to be more mindful, in the moment.  To try to let myself breathe and figure out what I'm feeling.  Am I feeling angry?  Is it real anger, or is it fear-in-drag (like when a child dashes across the street, almost getting hit by a car, and his parent swats his bottom)?

Okay, I'm feeling angry.  Why am I feeling angry?  Am I feeling anger in proportion to the offense, or am I dragging a lot of old baggage into it?

Now, what do I want to do with my anger?  This is where a lot of people blow it, literally.  What we do with our anger is a CHOICE, and there are always many choices.  We can scream at a loved one, or a stranger.  We can punch a hole in a wall, kick the cat, go for a swim, write a nasty letter, eat an entire cheesecake, take a deep breath and explain to the person why their suggestion is unacceptable, and offer an alternative, or try dozens of other things. 

from http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/

If we scream at a loved one, and try to excuse it, later, "I couldn't help it, you made me so angry," we're into Bullshit Territory again.  It's possible that their actions or speech did, indeed, make us feel angry, but screaming was our choice.  Possibly even the best choice for that particular situation, but we are lying to ourselves if we tell ourselves we couldn't have done anything but scream.

If we feel that someone is continually taking advantage of us in some way, getting angry is fine, but then we have choices.  Always borrowing the car without permission?  We make sure that person no longer has access to the keys.  We may, in fact, have to end a job, a marriage, or a friendship once we begin acknowledging our anger; or our anger may enable truly meaningful changes to take place.

I'm glad I'm learning how to sit with my anger.

How about you?  Got a lesson learned about anger?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chapt 2 (cont) Control Over Others

Fun kinds of games by MaryTClark on Flickr

This post continues with Control Over Others, Control Through Irreproachability, and Control Games, from Chapter Two.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that may not all be covered in these excerpts.

CONTROL OVER OTHERS

The second aspect of the Myth of Control is the need to control others.  <snip>  Most direct are those who rigidly insist that their employees, children, and spouses do things their way, never considering how such a dictatorial attitudes  makes other people feel.  Like anyone else, these obsessives usually want others to view them as kind and nonjudgmental, and are usually surprised when they are not seen that way.  They just can't bring themselves to do what it takes to win that reputation; they can't step back and let the people around them act in their own individual styles.

CONTROL THROUGH IRREPROACHABILITY
<snip> they strive to make people think well of them, always.  The main objective underlying this strategy is to leave no room for criticism.  In early childhood, we learn which behaviors and abilities are labeled "good" by parents, teachers, and others.  Many obsessives master these skills, developing a brilliant facility for identifying those attitudes and behaviors considered virtues in each new social situation and them adopting them absolutely.  Thoughts or images incompatible with this image of perfection are suppressed or rejected.

<snip>  Robert did experience anxiety during this period, especially when he found himself a bit less universally admired, but he also found that the sky didn't fall when he allowed himself to be more genuine and less perfect.  As he gradually stopped hating himself for his phoniness, he became better able to let people get close.  When somebody liked him, he knew it wasn't because of some role he was playing.  He trusted that person's positive response more.  <snip>

Like other aspects of the control myth, trying to control other people's feelings by being wonderful has major drawbacks.  For one thing, it's impossible.  You simply can't embody everyone's idea of virtue.  Anyone who tries is bound to incur someone's disapproval sooner or later.  And when the obsessive can't prevent someone from being angry with him, rejecting him, or doubting his abilities or character, he may find it impossible to let it go.  Often he'll ruminate about the incident, unable to relax, until he devises a way to "fix" it.

CONTROL GAMES
Subtly manipulative control games are another way in which obsessives strive to assert their power over others.  Such power plays whisper: "I've got the upper hand here.  I decide whether or not we will interact.  And if we do, I decide the beginning, ending, and content of those interactions."  Note that I say whisper; you very well may not recognize that you're the object of such tactics.  In fact, the obsessive himself usually is not conscious that he's doing it.  Part of the nature of these ploys is that each has an alternate, perfectly reasonable explanation.  When your colleague shows up several minutes late for a meeting, it may well be that a last-minute phone call unavoidably delayed her.  But when this happens repeatedly, you have to wonder if her slight tardiness doesn't spring from an unconscious need to demonstrate that she, and not other people, decides when she's got to be somewhere.

<snip> The tactic of making another person wait can assume a variety of guises.  It may involve prolonging a decision.  Perhaps you need to know what your spouse if planning for Friday evening, so you can decide whether you're free to attend a professional meeting.  But your spouse just can't seem to come to a decision, leaving you stymied.

<snip>  All these interpersonal control tactics do accomplish their aim to a degree.  However, their net result is often painful and destructive because ultimately they obstruct the sense of connection and intimacy that all humans need and crave.

***

This is where we tend to have the most battles; when Perfectionists try to control us.  My ex would often scold, "I have to show you how to do everything," because I did few things "right" in his eyes, from the way I opened the gate to the driveway, to the way I washed my hands and carried in bags from the grocery store.  Let alone the Shower Rules.

At first, I would do it his way, or JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.  The best way to deal is to not JADE;) as those of you who've tried those techniques know, they don't work.  Those with OCPD will simply argue you into the ground until you give up out of exhaustion, and whether you do one or three things his way, he won't do the next thing your way.  He will find 15 more things you're not doing his way.

I've tried to be perfect and irreproachable, myself: the top student in class, the most attractive woman in the room, the best at whatever I turned my hand to.  Like that really worked out!  And so, I've found that despite being a "failure" more often than not, I do pretty well, and most, if not all, people truly like imperfect, unglamorous me.  I'm "over" trying to kill myself to be The Best at something, but will put in as much effort as I think the task deserves.

I've come to realize I have other, more covert Perfectionists in my life, who are, indeed, trying to live in a way that leaves no room for criticism, and whose criticism and control games can be subtle.

ME: I'm going to do X.

Other Person:  Well, that's one way to do it.

Not a criticism, exactly, just a hint of disapproval and suggestion that OP has a (much) better way.  In the past, I'd always bite, and ask, "Oh, what do you suggest, ye wonderful wise person?"   or perhaps, even get into an argument about it.  Now, I'm learning to either ignore the comment, or say cheerfully, "Yep, that's the way it suits me, right now."  Or ask for a suggestion, if I'm interested - but I'm not manipulated into it any more.

On the lateness issue - I have a friend who's always an hour late to anything.  And he used to whine to me about how people didn't understand, how they always took it as a mark of disrespect, blah-blah.  Well, we are still (more distant) friends, and when we plan to meet, anywhere, I always bring a book along and plan to wait for an hour (sometimes it's even less) but now turn a deaf ear to his complaints of busyness and inability to control his lateness.  Like other people aren't busy, too?

It is disrespectful and insulting.  Our friendship has become more distant, in part because I have come to recognize his manipulations and excuses for what they are.  I don't have time and emotional energy for that BS any more.  One very good thing that has come about, as I rediscover myself after being with an OCPDr, is I am recognizing unhealthy dynamics in many of my other relationships, and am working to change them as well.

I, too, have tried to be a "too perfect" friend and confidant, and I realize I need to be my own best friend.  If people think I'm not as "nice" anymore... oh well!

Your thoughts?

Learning to Recognize You're Being Played

So, as I move along this journey to rediscovering myself, I realize that OCPD ex-bf, in many ways, was one of my easier relationships.  The confrontation and tantrums were usually right in my face.

But, I've had other relationships in which I also played Ms. Co-Dependent to the Max, because, after all, I'm nice.  I'm a people pleaser (and if you're thinking, she's saying that like it's a bad thing - you may be one, too.)

Being kind and flexible is wonderful.  However, we can get so wrapped up in pleasing others, in trying to make others happy, that we forget all about us; our needs, wants, and best interests. 

We need to be able to say no (or, Hell no!) if someone tries to manipulate us into doing something that crosses our boundaries.  In my life, I've been pressured/manipulated by those who wanted me to:

• Eat something when I was already full, or which contained ingredients that I don't like
• Join them in the practice of particular religious beliefs
• Perform sexual acts that I'd rather not
• Go to certain parties, or stay longer when I wanted to leave
• Take over someone else's job duties
• Favors

Mind you, there is nothing wrong with someone asking, "Would you like to try doing it on a trapeze, while wearing a Batman mask?"  (Okay, maybe something a lot wrong with that.) 

An open, honest question or offer contains the implied freedom to say "No thank you."   If we feel that saying no is not an option - we're probably being played.    

Cats playing piano - awesome.

People being played by manipulators - NOT so awesome.

The only way we can have real, honest, fulfilling relationships, is if we are coming from our True Selves.  And that means, kindly, gently, but firmly, refusing to be manipulated.

Or, we can channel our Inner Bitch and say, "I don't think so."

Here's some good info from Wikihow:   

Understand the characteristics of a manipulative personality.  They're not always obvious because they play a silent game of building up obligations toward them, that end up with you feeling guilty, pressured, and obliged to carry out things for their sake even though you're still wondering how things got to this point.  Some of the characteristics of a manipulative personality include:   

• A martyr style personality. This personality type behaves as if he or she is being considerate toward others but is actually messing up considerateness with a need to be significant to you. By "martyring" themselves, they are doing things nobody has asked of them or wants them to do but in the process creates a bind when they do them. In "doing you a favor", their expectation increases that you have to return the favor. They may also complain constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder rhetorically when you're going to return this favor...    

• Excessively needy and dependent personalities. People who feel uncomfortable in their own skin, putting forth their own opinions and ideas can often hide behind manipulative behavior so that it seems as if you are responding on your own accord even though they've set up everything to have you respond directly to their neediness.  

• Narcissists. This is the archetypal manipulative personality and it's very hard to deal with this master manipulator.  

• You. Seriously, at one time or other, every single one of us practices manipulative behaviors in one form or other. It is just that for most people, manipulative actions tend to be one-off or only occasional instances rather than a purposeful map for daily living and interaction with others.

Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another. There are some key behaviors that can end up in manipulation, and it's helpful to know how to spot them before walking right into them. The behaviors are set out briefly here, with the following steps providing more details along with suggestions for healthy ways to respond:

• The guilt trip – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of "should" rather than standing up for your own values.   

• The assumption statement – this manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what, your refutation is proof of the assumption.   

• He said, she said – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you what someone else said was the right thing to do. It's a handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you.  

• The confronting statement – this manipulative approach is about causing an argument. That way, the provoker will end up making you feel terrible over something you didn't do or say but for which you ought to feel guilty anyway and they'll get a huge chunk of sympathy with which to manipulate you all over again.  

• Self-pity: "But I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc." – At times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention.

Go HERE for the rest of this great article for tips on how to respond to each technique.

Boy, have I suckered in to the martyrs in my life!  They're so kind, considerate, self-sacrificing, surely I should appreciate them more.  Of course, OCPD ex b-f used this technique too.  "I've been slaving all day to grow tomatoes" or make spaghetti sauce or some other thing he'd chosen to do, martyr-style, not even stopping to have lunch, that I never asked him to do in the first place, let alone suggest he work at such a pace that he didn't take reasonable breaks.  All his own choices.  Then he'd pick a fight because I wasn't sufficiently grateful, in his opinion.  And then the next time he asked for something, I would usually give in, whether I wanted to or not, because I felt guilty about "making him feel bad."

Good grief, Charlie Brown!  <Shaking my head to clear out the cobwebs>

Photo by -just-jen- at Flickr

But, as I said, I am recognizing he wasn't the only one to pull my strings.  That with good boundaries and better connection with my authentic self, I will have healthier relationships with everyone in my life.

Frankly, I'm beyond tired of guilt trips.  They're not a lot of fun, and I already know the boring scenery by heart.

The next trip I take, I want to pack a bag and stay in a gorgeous hotel.  Maybe get a massage.  I like the massage-type of manipulation.

How about you?  Have you been played like a cheap guitar too many times?  What do you do to recognize the manipulators and take care of you?