A-Z: FOG - That Misty Combination of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt

Fog in Wayanad (Photo credit: Wikipedia)Fog in movies can be comforting or creepy.  Fog in one's head about a relationship can be downright deadly.

When we love someone - be they parent, lover, sibling, friend - we tend to want to do things to please them. I will make this cake/buy this gift/offer this massage, whatever the thing is, we want to do it simply out of love.  Our repayment is the look of delight on our loved one's face.

Sadly, it is easy for the person on the other end, if they are not an emotionally healthy person, and if we do not have strong and healthy boundaries, ourselves, for that to get twisted around into, "If you loved me, you would do ABC for me."  Or, "Obviously, because you won't do XYZ for me, you don't really love me."

We get fogged in, and confused.

From Wikipedia:

According to psychotherapist Susan Forward, who did much to popularise the term,^[4] "emotional blackmail" is a powerful form of manipulation in which blackmailers who are close to the victim threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish them to get what they want. They may know the victim's vulnerabilities and their deepest secrets. "Many of the people who use emotional blackmail are friends, colleagues and family members with whom we have close ties that we want to strengthen and salvage"^[5] - parents, partners, bosses or lovers. No matter how much the blackmailer cares about the victim, they use their intimate knowledge to win compliance.

Knowing that the victim wants love, approval or confirmation of identity, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them or take them away altogether, or make the victim feel they must earn them: "as the power of emotional blackmail indicates, self-identity is inevitably affected by... the 'reaction' of the other",^[6] as is self-esteem. If the victim believes the blackmailer, he/she could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior and become "caught in a sort of psychological fog".^[7]

Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that the victim feels afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and feeling guilty if they don't: indeed Forward and Frazier invent the acronym FOG, standing for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being exposed to emotional blackmail when in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder.^[8]

Fear has to everything to do with gut-level insecurity.  If I don't keep this relationship, I may never have someone to love me the way s/he does. Fear that we're unworthy, that we may be abandoned, all kinds of fears may make us cling to a bad relationship that is hurting us.  Fear makes us hold on, no matter the cost.

Obligation is when we do things because we feel we should, not because we want to.  If we choose to have children or adopt pets, yes, we are obliged to do our best to care for them. Other adults, not so much. If we are married or partnered, we have social obligations towards our partners. Recently I heard a story of a woman whose now elderly mother had mistreated her terribly: always told her she was a burden, that she regretted not having an abortion, beat her frequently, and kicked her out of the house as a very young teenager.  Then had little to do with her for years. Now the mother needs food, shelter, financial help for perhaps 10-20 years, and thinks Darling Daughter is obliged to step up.

IMO, no.  She may choose to do so, or her own free will, but she does not have an obligation to do so.

Guilt and shame are two emotions it's easy to confuse.  According to Brene Brown, shame is feeling bad about ourselves, and guilt is feeling bad because of a specific action/inaction on our parts.  I am a bad/unlovable person vs. I did something wrong and now I need to make it right. When we are in a relationship with an unhealthy person, we may feel guilty for doing things we know aren't "right" in a normal relationship; for example, slipping out to meet a friend for lunch and not telling our partner because we know a scene would result.

The fog is rolling (Photo credit: davidyuweb)

Fear, Obligation, and Guilt are all healthy and appropriate in many circumstances; there is no such critter as a "bad" emotion. But when they swirl together to form a fog, often we cannot think clearly, and really sort out what we really feel about a partner, and what would be a healthy way to behave.

To get out of the FOG, the best solution is a change of climate.  Take as long a vacation with No Contact from the boss/parent/partner as is possible. If appropriate, end the relationship. Additionally - get help - mental health professional, trusted friends, start or continue enjoyable hobbies. Keep a journal.

I have been "out" of the foggy environment for almost two years now, and there are still some wisps and tendrils lingering in some of my thoughts. But it's better every day.

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Have you ever been "fogged in" in a relationship?

Got any other tips for clearing it away?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 7 - The Lure of Worry and Rumination

This post continues with The Lure of Worry and Rumination from Chapter Seven.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

The Lure of Worry and Rumination

<snip>For one thing, the tendency to worry is likely to be a central component of his self-image, and closely linked to other "good" qualities.  Many obsessives associate worrying with being a serious, conscientious person, and on some level they view happy-go-lucky non-worriers as irresponsible.

Second, they probably feel that worry gives them some control over the object of their concern, somehow preparing them better for an upcoming event, for example.  Maybe it will help them discover some protective action they can take (to prevent a party from being a failure, say, or to safeguard their family from violent crime).  Worrying may be a form of "bracing oneself" to better withstand anything from romantic rejection to the Greenhouse Effect.

As well-educated and intelligent as they often are, many obsessives also are superstitious about worry.  If they worry about their spouse's plane crashing (so this twisted "reasoning" goes), maybe that will somehow keep it from happening.  Worrying actively demonstrates their lack of presumptuousness, because they're not arrogantly assuming everything will go their way, the Cosmic Scorekeeper doesn't need to "teach them a lesson." Like all superstitions, this is an attempt to feel a sense of control over people and events that are essentially uncontrollable.

Similarly, most rumination carries with it a sense of retroactive control.  By chastising themselves for some pitfall they should have foreseen (even if there's no way they really could have), they are denying the frightening reality that mistakes are inevitable.

Often, people who ruminate feel that if they dwell enough on their errors, or on bad things (done by them or to them) - if they can somehow sear these things into memory - then they can be sure not to let them happen again.  A patient comes to mind who couldn't stop dwelling on his wife's infidelity, even years afterward.  He tortured himself with painful fantasies of her sexual relationship with the other man, insisting that she tell him all the details, though this knowledge was almost unbearable to him.  He remained in the marriage, but held fiercely to his anger for several essentially self-protective reasons.  First, the angry feelings helped thwart any temptation to be close to his wife - and therefore vulnerable - again.  Second, his clinging to the graphic mental pictures ensured that he wouldn't be as unprepared (and as devastated) if his wife ever betrayed him again.  Finally, by refusing to put the past to rest, he kept his wife's infidelity fresh in her mind.  He believed that her guilt feelings both punished her betrayal and made it more unlikely she would do it again.

***

My ex would get very upset because I did not live up to his standard of worrying.  I'm more one of those happy-go-lucky irresponsible types.  I guess he was hooked on the quantity vs. quality argument - 10 hours spent unproductively churning over something obviously means you care more than 1 hour spent productively problem-solving, right?  Except I didn't think this was so obvious, or even true.

Obviously, obviously.  If I had a dollar for every time my ex said, "Obviously," to me in a sarcastic way to point out that I was Not Thinking The Right Way, I'd be... well, I'd have some credit cards paid off, anyway.

And as I've blogged before, yes, he would rerun someone''s "greatest faults" over and over again, like playing a favorite CD, until every grievance was red hot and causing him to heat up all over again.  It was like having a filling fall out, the tongue keeps going back to it and going back to it.

I wonder if the tendency to get stuck in worry/rumination loops is a combination of brain wiring plus formed habit, or if it's more one or the other.  Or avoidance, even.  Sometimes I think that my ex chose to futz over the tomato plants, for example, because that way he didn't have to address the issue I wanted him to address, getting rid of his hoard.  Because if you're busy thinking about/working on something else, how can you possibly be expected to take on X?

What's your experience with worry and rumination?
Do you believe that if you worry about something "enough," 
then it can't happen?
Your thoughts?

Anyone Get the License Plate Number of that Truck?

via Rhys Asplundh at Flickr

I never saw it coming.

One of the things that happens when a person in a relationship with an OCPD'r begins telling stories to outsiders about the worst moments, is people look at you like you're insane.  Like either you're a liar and making stuff up, because the person who is so nice in public couldn't behave like that at home.  Or because you'd have to be a blithering idiot to sign up for that kind of abuse.

Well, we didn't sign up for it.  Most of us dated a person who seemed (relatively) normal, if a little quirky.  But don't we all have quirks?

Theirs seemed harmless enough, perhaps even an improvement over our own habits.  If he was excessively careful about his personal appearance, this seemed like a nice change from guys who were content to go out in public in a ratty T-shirt.  Maybe she seemed a little hung up on cleaning and arranging everything, but aren't women "supposed" to be like that?

They loved us and we loved them and we had excellent chemistry together.  They were smart and funny and seemed to be more organized and "together" than a lot of other people we'd been involved with.

And then the relationship moved to the next level, and like the frog in the pot of cold water, the heat gradually increased.  Or some "event" happened - marriage, moving in together, a new baby - and like a werewolf during a full moon, they transformed into an OCPD raging monster.

Everybody is on their best behavior while courting, anyway.  That initial stage of being "in love" that lasts anywhere from 4-6 months to up to two years.  During that time, the dopamine (feel-good/reward hormone) and oxytocin (promotes attachment) levels go way up.  So the anxiety and fear which seems to be at the root of OCPD controlling behaviors (if I do everything perfectly, and anticipate every possible catastrophe, bad things won't happen) is not simply masked, but overwhelmed.

But "the good guy hormones" will eventually take a break.  And now, because we have been added to the list of things the OCPD'r feels s/he must manage and control, lest disaster ensue, their anxiety level shoots way up.

Image via WikipediaIt may be sweet at first, being fussed over, "Let's get those boots off you; I hope you didn't get your feet wet." "Make sure to wear your warm coat," but in a severely OCPD person, it becomes panic when you're driving.  (I blogged earlier about Mrs. Potatohead.) And "don't you realize if you leave the toaster plugged in it could burn the house down!"  Bring on the Crazy Rules!

It wasn't that they were being deceptive or putting on a deliberately false front; things were wonderful between us, and then (from the POV of an OCPD'r) we changed.  We started doing things that were annoying, slovenly, or downright dangerous.  We made mistakes, and mistakes are not permitted in OCPD, aka Perfectionism on steroids (except on a theoretical level).  Mistakes could lead to disaster.

If we only cared as much as they did, we wouldn't make mistakes.  At the very least, we would obsess over them as much as they did.

What?  They make mistakes, too?  Not possible.

Because OCPD is a mental disorder, those who have it are subject to distorted thinking.  They pride themselves on logic, therefore, even if they made a mistake, they get locked into loops where their reasoning in making a mistake - they were misled by circumstances, and so it really isn't their fault after all - is defended to the death.

Early on, we may get suckered in to trying to persuade an OCPD'r to see our point of view (aka JADEing).


What keeps us in the relationship, beyond the initial bonding is the difference between OCPD and say, a Narcissist or sociopath.  They don't torture their loved ones for the sheer sadistic pleasure of it, like a deranged child pulling the wings off flies to see them struggle. At the root of some horrifically abusive behaviors is genuine worry, genuine caring.  No matter how bad things get, we know and sense they deeply care.  There are moments when they have flashes of insight, or seem to revert to the fun, caring person we fell in love with.  We think, we hope, this time, the insights are going to stick.

And then the fog rolls in.  Sometimes it rolls out again, and everything we hope for happens - the OCPD'r gets hit by the cosmic two-by-four, realizes the problem isn't with everybody else, but in fact, within his/her own head.  S/he gets serious about changing her life, for herself, and with professional help, begins working to untwist OCPD-think and long-formed habits.  These people are true heroes.

More often, the fog doesn't roll out, the behaviors worsen, and we reach a point where we can no longer stay in the situation, living on thin hope that our partner will see the light and be willing to put in the very hard work to change.  S/he may be in denial or anosognosia; may have made moderate changes but our tolerance threshold has been exceeded.  We realize we can't stay and remain sane.

The one thing we need to do, the one thing we can do, is examine our own co-dependent behaviors.  Do we see ourselves as a Rescuer? Do we think our partner will crumble into a thousand bits if we leave him?  (I believed mine would; saw him a few weeks ago, he is just fine.  Well, he is not "fine," he is still dysfunctional, but no more dysfunctional than when I broke up with him.)

Do we pride ourselves on being kind and understanding (I certainly did) even while our "kindness" is helping neither us nor our partners?  In many ways, I think my ex is relieved I am gone.  In retrospect, I don't believe, for all my good intentions, I budged him one micrometer towards mental health, despite all the agony and heart-rending pain I went through.

I'm not saying it's right for you to go.  We all must make the decision to go, stay, or stay for now, according to what seems right for us.  It takes different kinds of strength to make each decision.

If you have made the decision to leave (or ask to leave) a disordered partner, I applaud you.  If you have made the decision to stay and work with him/her, because s/he is truly trying, I applaud you.  If you have made the decision to stay for now - until the kids are in college, the MasterCard is paid off, whatever - I applaud you.  If you have already left, I applaud you.  If you are getting professional counseling for yourself, I stand and applaud you.

Those of us who've been in that situation, know it's not black-and-white.  We didn't deliberately pick out a monster and choose to live with him or her, because we thought getting berated and criticized every day would be loads of fun.  More like, we checked carefully before entering the crosswalk, and got hit by a truck anyway.

And for those behind the wheel of the truck, with OCPD, who feel like they're in that defective Toyota, trying frantically to make the brakes work, turn the engine off - you know I love and respect you, as well.  My hope is that someday, we can find out how to turn the brakes back on, so you can drive and brake just like everybody else.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 6 - When the Guards Come Down & Becoming Less Guarded

Source: shannondarrough.com via Jackie on Pinterest

This post continues with When the Guards Come Down and Becoming Less Guarded from Chapter Six.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

When the Guards Come Down

Though most obsessives have trouble trusting, depending upon, and revealing themselves to other people, no one ever completely avoids any of those things.  No matter how capable we are, modern life forces us to depend upon one another for such necessities as food, education, medical care, and much more.  Some dependencies are so inescapable and routine (e.g., having to get water from the city water supply or bottled water vendors) that most people, obsessives included, don't think much about them.  However, when circumstances arise that persuade one to acknowledge dependency in a new area - to consult a doctor, for example, or seek help from an accountant - anxieties may arise.  Discomfort also results when some normally suppressed feeling, such as anger, suddenly surfaces.  <snip>

Guarded obsessives commonly view any betrayal of their trust as conclusive "proof" that their original guardedness was justified.  "If I have a friend, and he tells even a small white lie or is even slightly dishonest, I say 'Aha!  He lied!  That proves I can't trust him.'  I subject him to unreasonable standards.  He has to be one-hundred-percent trustworthy of I don't feel I can trust him at all."

Becoming Less Guarded

Becoming less guarded is not something that can be "worked on" all alone, in the privacy of one's study.  For all the pain it can cause, a pattern of interpersonal guardedness is extremely difficult to change, and such change must take place within living, breathing relationships.

• Remind yourself that no one and nothing can be one-hundred-percent dependable.  Other people - less obsessive people - understand this and still manage to trust and depend upon one another.  Do you tell yourself that's because they just aren't as smart as you, that they simply don't see the risks or appreciate the dangers?  Do you think they'll all be sorry someday?  It's not that these people don't don't see the risks of opening themselves to others.  Instead they know that many of the best things in life - such as a send of connection and closeness with other people - are worth the risks.  

• Don't be tripped up by your tendency to think in extremes.  No one is suggesting you should share intimate confidences with every stranger that you meet.  A reasonable amount of discretion will provide you with some protection from hurt, rejection, and exploitation.  But when it comes to guardedness, there is a middle ground, and people who find it are less lonely and isolated than those whose protective shells are too thick and hard.

• Try to be conscious of the fact that your guarded behavior is likely to cause the very rejection, isolation, and unloved feeling that you fear.  Realize that other people are very apt to misinterpret your guardedness, taking it as a hurtful indication that something in them is causing you to hold yourself at a distance.

• It takes determination and patience to become less guarded.  Prepare yourself to see changes occur slowly.  In individual and group therapy, guarded patients will sometimes begin this process unwittingly by revealing emotions in a "weak" moment.  At such times they often feel humiliated and frightened.  Sometimes they weep.  But then they usually realize that nobody has rejected them.  The world goes on.  In fact, the others, sensing how difficult it is for them to open up, often respond with special empathy and warmth.  Over time, the guarded person gradually is able to reveal more and more of the real self beneath the facade - the spontaneously experienced feelings and thoughts.  And often, for the first time, he or she begins to experience what it's like to feel truly understood and still cared for - something that never before seemed possible. <snip>

***

Some of us chatted about this online one night, about how unless you live in a cave or shack, Unabomber style, you're dependent on all kinds of people.  I think I'm safe in saying no one is reading these words on a computer they built by hand of components they personally mined from the earth, with electricity likewise generated by a system they devised themselves.  (And even if they did, who's providing the Internet connection, hmmm?)

Source: 25.media.tumblr.com via Kara on Pinterest

On the rare occasions my ex revealed a fear, a hurt, or weakness, I felt so much closer to him, while his guardedness made him feel distant.  His anger and disappointment at my failure to be perfect, which he used to justify why he couldn't trust me, I found crazy unrealistic.  For example, if he felt a need to rant until one o'clock in the morning, on a night when I had work the next day, and I told him him I had had enough and was going to bed, he felt I had failed him, didn't care enough about the relationship.  See!  Betrayal!  Untrustworthiness!

If you are looking for reasons not to trust someone, and you look long enough and hard enough with a virtual magnifying glass, you will find imperfections.   With OCPD, there's a very appropriate verse from the Bible about removing the beam/log from one's own eye, before trying to locate the speck/mote in another's.

I've blogged about this before, but because my ex wouldn't open up, because he was afraid I would hurt him, and he'd end up alone, he pushed me away.  And... ended up alone.

If he had been willing to put in the very long, hard, scary work of letting down his guard, would thing have been different?  Maybe not, if he didn't address all the other OCPDnesses that killed our relationship.  Or maybe, if he'd let his guard down, he would have been able to see them.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 6 - Guarded with Money & Guarded Against Spontaneity

Image by epSos.de via FlickrThis post continues with Guarded with Money and Guarded Against Spontaneity  from Chapter Six.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

GUARDED WITH MONEY

I find that many obsessives harbor a fear of being exploited financially - one component of an overall tendency to be guarded with money.  Frugality may take many forms, including the following: 

• A reluctance to spend money on anything but true necessities.
• The need to get the very best buy - regardless of how much time and effort are expended in shopping for it.
• A reluctance to disclose how much was spent for something - either because someone might judge that the buyer was "taken," or think that he had a lot of money and an easy life, or that he had been unduly extravagant.
• A refusal to make personal loans - or, if a loan is made, the lender tracks it vigilantly - even if only in his own mind.
• Feelings of utter outrage if some product or service purchased turns out to be flawed.
• Pride in making one's possessions last a long time.

More than just the fear of being taken inspires the obsessive's tendency to be guarded with money.  Many people learn early in childhood that saving is a virtue; they may come to associate it with out "good" characteristics such as self-denial and the postponement of pleasure for long-term rewards.  <snip>

GUARDED AGAINST SPONTANEITY

Another form of interpersonal guardedness is the inability to act spontaneously.  By definition, spontaneity means an absence of planning, anathema to most obsessives.  "I'm not even sure how to take a risk," said fifty-year old Jim.  "Before I do anything, I think about it every which way.  before I buy something, I've gotten prices at five different places.  I get things all figured out so I know which way to go, no matter what happens.  I don't like to get anywhere close to situations where I don't have a lot of control; I can never just be."

<snip> When there aren't any guidelines, they feel uncomfortable.  Many complain that they aren't good at small talk, and they may even avoid parties for that reason.  Instead they choose their words slowly and carefully; even their casual conversations may seem scripted.  One patient declared that unpremeditated talk scared her because of the possibility that "some kind of real feelings - weak feelings - may come out." <snip>

***

Ahh, frugality.  I am still struggling to overcome the training whereby one kept one's paper napkin as clean as possible, so it could be repeatedly reused.

Almost everyone who's lived with an OCPD'r has some horror story of the couch/car/mattress That Could Not Be Bought until we had checked thirteen kajillion places, and then dithered over the decision SO long that the process had to begin again.  Burning up three gallons of gas to drive to BF Nowhere to save twenty-five cents on a gallon of milk or loaf of bread.

And nothing could be thrown out.  "We might need that some day!" It took several years and bitter fighting to get rid of the non-functional TV sitting on the bedroom floor.  After the TV in the living room went out, I said, "Okay, now's the time to take the spare TV and get it fixed."
"I'm not sure it's worth getting fixed."
"Well, take it in and find out."
"I don't want to waste the money."
"Dude.  The reason it is here (along with a second "spare" TV, in storage) is as a spare if we need one.  Now we need one.  It's time to either fix it and use it, as a spare, or if we're not going to do that, it needs to go away.  I am tired of vacuuming around it."
He conceded there was nothing wrong with my logic, but it still took another six months of agonizing before he was able to junk it.  And he bitterly resented my "making" him get rid of the old TV.  (While I resented having to live for 3 years with a broken TV on the floor of the bedroom and another one in storage.)


There's nothing wrong with saving money.  I was raised in a household where gift wrap was carefully peeled off presents and reused repeatedly.  Where we recycled everything - even jar labels were carefully soaked off and included in the stacks of newspapers to go for paper recycling - and of course, the jars themselves were sorted and turned in: clear, brown, and green glass.  I still am big on recycling, but those with OCPD...

And the spontaneity.  My ex told me in the beginning he didn't like surprises.  I assumed (wrongly) he meant stuff like people jumping up and saying "Boo!" (which is actually quite mean, IMO) or birthday surprise parties, stuff like that.  No.  Anything unexpected freaked him out.  Like me coming home from the grocery store with a different kind of meat to try, or a package of Hawaiian sweet rolls  (which he liked) - the horror!  "Where are we going to put those?"

Forget about friends just stopping by (except his single best childhood friend) and hanging out.  Although, oddly enough, we were able to take a road trip that was largely unplanned, the idea being drive up the coast as far as we felt like, then get a hotel wherever we wanted to spend the night.  We had some minor meltdowns along the way, but for the most part, had a good time.  Some others with OCPD'rs report on vacation, it's like they've left the OCPD behind. (Where for others, the obsessive behavior and meltdowns are greatly magnified.)
 
 His fear/loathing of spontaneity carried over into things like loveplay in the kitchen.  There was no "surprise" affection, no kisses just because you happen to be passing the other person in the hall - at least from him to me, and I soon learned that those from mine to him upset him terribly.

Makes me sad because while I could say, okay, we're different people, whatever makes him happy... But it didn't make him happy.  I was lonely, not getting the kind of affection I wanted, being discouraged from giving the kind of affection I wanted to give - and he was lonely, too.  After the "honeymoon" period, I became painfully aware he didn't believe I loved him, didn't trust that my love would last.  For so long I struggled to show him in every way I could how much I did love him, thinking surely some how, some way, I would break through, and he would feel secure in my love, and then things would get better.

If he could have accepted (not simply tolerated, but appreciated, enjoyed) spontaneous loveplay or passing kisses, would he have felt more loved?


Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 6 - The Need To Stand Alone & Suspiciousness

This post continues with The Need to Stand Alone and Suspiciousness  from Chapter Six.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

THE NEED TO STAND ALONE

Earlier, I talked about how some obsessives fear being emotionally dependent on other people.  As a "solution," they may try to become as self-reliant as possible, even to the point of disavowing their emotional need for loved ones.

Margaret, for example, found herself unable to tell her husband, Jim, how much she missed him whenever he called home from business trips.  When I asked what made it so difficult, she told me that she disliked feeling dependent on anyone.  Pressed further, she admitted feeling afraid of being let down. <snip>

People who fear dependency ware often extremely reluctant to ask their friends and loved ones for such things as time together, affection, sex, or emotional support.  When I ask about this reluctance, at first patients will proudly cite their self-reliance.  Eventually, additional explanations emerge.

For example, they feel that anyone who really cared about them would know what they need, and give it without being asked.  Having to ask becomes evidence that they aren't truly loved. <snip>

Asking poses other risks.  The obsessive fears that the other party may secretly feel contemptuous of the "weakness" revealed by supplication.  Wost of all, the request might be denied, a turn of events that would be devastating to the obsessive.<snip>

Some obsessives may even avoid asking for much-needed assistance.  They may, for example, feel they have to be the one to fix anything needing repairs around the house.  <snip>

Many obsessives hate to take medications.  First they see the need for drugs as an acknowledgment that they already lack some degree of control.  And, second, they fear they will become psychologically dependent on the drug and will have trouble giving it up.  <snip>

Suspiciousness
<snip> He lived with a girlfriend, but the ulterior motives he ascribed to her kept undermining his positive feelings for her.  "I wonder if she isn't just trying to avoid being along for the rest of her life," he said.  "I also wonder if maybe she only thinks she loves me.  Her self-esteem is pretty low, so how can she truly love somebody?  I'm always in the detective mode, looking for the deeper meaning behind what she says."

<snip> But obsessives also fear exploitation in more than just close relationships.  I recently overheard a graphic example of this in a local photo shop, where a man was questioning the clerk about how his pictures would be processed.  What if he didn't like the way they turned out?  Did the business offer any sort of written guarantees?  Who would be the judge of whether the pictures were of adequate quality and would would the criteria be, he demanded.  He persisted, asking increasingly picayune questions, while his fear of "being taken" made him oblivious to the line of people rolling their eyes and expressing their exasperation behind him.

***

These things all become self-fulfilling prophecies.  Would he tell me he missed me?  Sometimes, and I tried to reinforce who charming I found it, but other times he wouldn't tell me, he would throw a tantrum because I was away for a few hours.  Which made me less than eager to rush home. 

I also got lectures about how people who loved each other should just be able to "tell" what the other was thinking.  To a certain degree, that's true, people learn to ready body language, but it's also true that he would get very upset when I didn't "read" him properly, and instead of telling me what he thought or felt, blame me for not being properly attuned to him.  Likewise, he was sure he knew what I was thinking or feeling - and if what I said contradicted what he assumed/thought he knew about me, then obviously, I was lying.

Exhausting.  As well as the third (or thirteenth) degree cross-examination of any merchant from whom we might consider buying a four dollar part.  Exhausting, embarrassing, humiliating.

He was convinced all along, talking of suspicious, that I was having an affair.  One year out of our relationship, and I still don't feel even ready to DATE.  Although it did cross my mind, perioidically, the old "You've got the name, why not have the game?" especially after he'd been particularly dreadful,  In some ways, it would have been lovely to be touched with tenderness and passion, rather than waiting for the next attack to come.  I cannot fault those in this kind of relationship to being vulnerable to outside consolation.


Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 6 - Fear of Being Found OutFear of Trusting

Swedish Guards via Wikimedia

This post continues with Fear of Being Found Out and Fear of Trusting from Chapter Six.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Guarded Against Intimacy

<snip> Human beings are social creatures, valuing and seeking a sense of connection with others throughout their lives.  <snip>  Without question, the experience of intimacy can open the way to feelings of unparalleled spiritual fulfillment.  But intimacy has other consequences that many obsessives find frightening.

THE FEAR OF BEING FOUND OUT

For one thing, the closer you are to someone, the more likely he or she is to see all aspects of your personality - both the "good" traits and those you feel are unattractive or even shameful.  Marvin, a successful banker, had little trouble meeting people and quickly winning their admiration.  Yet he kept friends, acquaintances, and even lovers at a carefully controlled distance.  "I'm afraid to let them really get to know me," he admitted in therapy one day.  "I feel like a phony - that people will find out how inadequate I am underneath it all, and they'll be disgusted and reject me."

<snip> With her [his girlfriend], Marvin felt compelled to stay one step ahead of exposure.  "I have to be the first to jump, to leave, to push them away," he disclosed.

FEAR OF TRUSTING

For many obsessives, another obstacle to intimacy is their difficulty with trusting.  They fear that other people will let them down.

<snip> If there is a single unifying theme of obsessiveness, it is the desire to eliminate feelings of vulnerability and risk, and to gain instead a sense of safety and security.

<snip> Sometimes this wariness persists after many tears in a close relationship. such as marriage, even when the spouse has demonstrated trustworthiness.  After twenty years of marriage, for example, Kyle and his wife were still arguing over his failure to express his love for her.  "She's filled with twenty years of resentment and anger," he told me.  "She says intimate communication with me is impossible, that I'm not willing to express my love of expose other feelings to her."

To me, Kyle acknowledged that he hasn't been a very trusting person, and his characteristic suspiciousness had intensified when he had been hurt several times after honestly disclosing his feelings.  "People have betrayed me by repeating confidences; they've embarrassed me," he stated.  But when I asked him how often his wife in all their years of marriage had betrayed his confidences, he confessed that he couldn't remember a single occasion.  I asked if she'd ever done anything to make him seriously doubt her love, and he again had to admit that the answer was no.  Nonetheless, he still felt threatened by the idea of "opening up" to her.

***

That last paragraph says it all.  Of all the dreadful things that occurred - and didn't occur - in my relationship with my ex, the sense that he didn't trust me, would never, ever trust me, no matter what, was one of the most damaging.

As time goes on, people in a relationship either get closer, or draw farther apart.  With certain relationships, such as co-workers or friendships, a little distance is okay, probably preferable.  Not so in a love relationship.

I felt like Kyle's wife - if not now, after all this time when I have never let you down, when will you trust me?  After 21 years?  31?  (Of course the answer was "Never.") 

He did tell me he loved me.  And I believe he did, as much as he could anyone, yet, as the truism goes, actions speak louder than words.  He showed me, a dozen times a day or more, that he didn't trust me, and never would.  Choice?  Habit too deeply ingrained over so many years?  Actually unable to trust because of the OCPD?

When someone is in physical danger - the house is on fire, they're drowning - there are (sometimes) ways to knock them out and rescue them, even against their will.  Not so with mental disorders.

He pushed me out the door, emotionally, long before I actually packed my bags and left.  I do not regret that I did leave, nor that I ended our relationship as lovers, just about a year ago.  Yet, I am deeply sorry that I had to leave him behind, in a mental jail of his own (and his disease's) making.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 4 - Who's Afraid of Romantic Commitments & The Uncommitted Marriage

This post continues with Who's Afraid of Romantic Commitments & The Uncommitted Marriage from Chapter Four.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

 WHO'S AFRAID OF ROMANTIC COMMITMENTS?

Although the majority of my patients who fear romantic commitments have been obsessive men like Marty, I have also known women to be the phobic party in these matches.  Sometimes both partners share the hidden terror of commitment.  <snip>

Mallinger goes on to write about a woman named Denise,  who'd pick the wrong men, but even when she found someone perfect, she would make excuses to not be with him - she didn't want to cut back on her jogging time, he might not like her cats, blah blah, woof woof.

THE UNCOMMITTED MARRIAGE

Some individuals may actually go through the motions of making a commitment, moving in with their partner, even getting married.  But years later their behavior and their attitude may continue to reflect a desperate desire to keep their options open.

Bart, an architect, declared at our first meeting, "In a nutshell, my problem is women."  For five years he had been married to a woman named Bea, and had gradually lost interest in her, physically and emotionally, over the course of their marriage.  When I met him, he was plagued by sexual fantasies of other women, and had had three short-lived extramarital affairs.

Bart went so far as to tell Bea that he wanted to see other women and when she objected to this, he became angry.  However, when Bea began to voice her own doubts about the future of the relationship, Bart felt surprisingly anxious.  He told me, "It's one of the worst possible things that could happen.  I see divorce as one of the ultimate expressions of failure."  <snip>

He realized that whenever he was with Bea he typically focused on his conflict over their marriage, or dwelt on her flaws:

"In my usual state, I pretend to be happy, but really feel anxiety or anger that I don't express... Bea asks, 'Why don't you let yourself be happy?'  But that ties in with commitment.  When we're together and I'm felling happy, it's as if I'm conceding that I'm going to be married to Bea forever, and that really depresses me."  <snip>

***

I belong to several wonderful support boards, and one of the questions that comes up periodically is, "Do those with OCPD cheat?"  Some members proclaim ABSOLUTELY NOT.  I think the evidence indicates that while most do not, some do, for precisely "Bart's" reason.  Having extramarital flings is one way to avoid being truly committed to the relationship, of keeping one foot outside the door, as well as being able to pin the blame on one's partner as failing in yet another way.

Frankly, as I read this, I wanted to smack Bart upside the head.  Granted, this is just a small snippet, and apparently he did buckle down and work on the marriage - but it was all about him, his feelings, his fantasies, his freedom.  No hint that he felt guilty or sad for how he was behaving, or recognition that his actions were hurtful and unfair to Bea.  To me, the thought of being married to a "Bart" for the rest of my life would be completely depressing.

And while I think that, someday, finding another partner is key to being truly healed from my last relationship, I am in no hurry.

Have you ever drawn back or been pushed back from a relationship because of 
made up excuses, like cats, jogging, personal time?
Have you been hurt, or hurt others, by outside affairs?
Can you commit to Reactions button or a comment, below?  :-)

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 4 - Avoiding Decisions & Living in One's Head

This post continues with Avoiding Decisions and Living in One's Head from Chapter Four.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Avoiding Decisions

<snip> Waffling is typical of the behavior of many obsessives faced with a decision.  They see all the pros and cons of any choice, all the while hoping that enough facts will file up on one side to tip the balance and spare them the responsibility for deciding.  They weigh and think, think and weigh.

Just as they start to lean one way, they notice an unreckoned drawback.  Then an overlooked option appears and pulls them toward that direction.  But they soon discover a new shortcoming of that plan and start back towards the original scheme.

After agonizing for a while, they may resort to an "objective" method, such as making exhaustive lists of the pros and cons.  If it's a draw, they may weight each item according to importance, and even apply a complex tie-breaking formula - anything to avoid having to take personal responsibility for the outcome.  Alas, the balance never seems to tip, and their torment continues.

LIVING IN ONE'S HEAD

Postponing decision-making until they get enough facts to guarantee the "right" decision is another way obsessives avoid action and its attendant risk of error.  <snip>  When she realized she needed to buy a new car, she spent months gathering brochures, test-driving possible alternatives, reading Consumer Reports, getting advice from friends, and contrasting features and prices.  She contended that all of this activity was simply reasonable preparation for an intelligent decision, and of course there is truth to this position.  But Annette remained unaware of the greater truth: that her main goal was to avoid error, even at the cost of making no decision at all.

Cars Available from Orlando Cars Online

She finally narrowed her options to a few final items - the financing terms, the color, the model - but she somehow couldn't choose.  Each answer evoked a new set of doubts.  One dealer was closer to her home but didn't have the car in blue.  One had it in blue but was charging more.  To an outsider, it was clear that any of the alternatives could be lived with, but Annette stubbornly resisted this conclusion.

<snip> Action always carries with it the danger of error.  No sooner is she ready to make a move than she starts doubting and stalling for more time.  Doggedly she resists seeing that her indecisiveness is actually an unconscious decision not to choose.  Her hidden agenda is to avoid the risk of being wrong and contradicting the Credo.

<snip> People who typically make decisions in a healthier, less painful manner... may well seek some facts to supplement this subjective starting ground, but their goal throughout the process is to act, as quickly and as reasonably as possible, and they accept implicitly that there is no way to do so in a fail-safe manner.  Furthermore, they trust that they usually won't make awful blunders.  They know that they occasionally risk mistakes, regrets, and dangers, but they also accept that risk is part of life. So they decide and move on.

<snip> For obsessives like Annette, in contrast, action is the enemy.  <snip> Consciously this sort of person honestly thinks she wants to take action.  In fact, she will often complain, "I just hate this indecisiveness."  But another part of her wants to live mainly in her fantasy.

 The section concludes with how, when Annette's car broke down and she was forced to buy a new car, no dealers had her first choice, so she ended with a model much farther down on her list.

***

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

This is one of the manifestations of OCPD that drive partners barking mad, as my Brit friends might say.  Because life doesn't stand still.  Cars and refrigerators and couches do need to be replaced, periodically, and the search for said item with an OCPD partner can turn into The Quest for the Holy Fuckin' Grail.  And it doesn't have to be that way.

About a year after OCPD ex and I were living together, we decided to take a small table and chairs out of storage and place it in a nook in the living room for our meals, instead of eating at the coffee table.  (No room in the actual kitchen for said table & chairs, because of the masses of stereo equipment he hoarded stacked against the wall.)  Then he began freaking out, because food bits and beverages  occasionally splattered on the surface of the table, as happens to any surface people use to eat from.

I didn't know about OCPD then.  Three weekends, eight stores later, we finally found placemats he didn't absolutely hate.  Though I thought several choices we found in the very first store would have worked just fine, until we found others we liked better.  "Good enough for now" doesn't seem to be an acceptable phrase for those with severe untreated OCPD.

from Salvatore Vuono at Free Digital Photos

The Search for a New Couch made the placemat saga seem like a walk in the park.  Three years, uncountable stores visited, many more than once, and in meantime, the current couch grew more miserably uncomfortable every day.  You could actually get bruised if you sat in the wrong spot - and we did.


I am grateful for the blessing that we were not married, because I was able to make my own new car decision fairly painlessly.  In 2006 I decided I wanted a hybrid.  Read the reports on and drove several models.  Decided I liked the Civic best, and white, because they are most reflective and so require the least use of air conditioning.  In fall 2007, as the dealerships were getting the 2008 models in, I drove one of those, then a 2007 model again.  With no discernible difference in handling, I went with the sweet deal they were able to offer me on the older model they were trying to get rid of.  Not a hasty decision, but not an agonizing one, either.

I could second guess it a thousand times - possibly the new models get even better gas mileage.  Maybe if I'd waited I could have gotten a Ford hybrid.  Or, or, or.  But I don't need to play that game - I needed a new car, I got one, we've been very happy together so far.  Some day, this car will no longer meet my needs for whatever reason, and I will get another car.  Making a mistake, even one that's potentially thousands of dollars "wasted," is not a tragedy.

Just making a decision and letting it go, like a soap bubble, allows me to turn my mind to more important things, to things I enjoy more, to life.

Did you make endless pro & con lists to avoid making an actual decision?
How did you get past that - or are you still stuck?
Prove that you can at least make a decision on which Reactions button to click, below.  :-)

Slutwalk LA Update - Over At Health for the Whole Self

Katie McLaughlin writes (and I follow) one of the best blogs on the Internet about learning to get in balance with one's body, self-acceptance, and, yes, HEALTH, over at Health for the Whole Self.  She's kindly allowed me to guest on her blog with an update from Slutwalk LA.

One of the most horrible things that happens to young (and not so young) women is that we are expected to be pretty, attractive, and sexy - and at the same time, blamed if we are too sexy.  Called sluts, and possibly sexually assaulted.  Then blamed by police, even friends and family, for being sexually assaulted.

Yet, on the other hand, if we dress modestly, if we choose not to engage in sexual activity... we're told to loosen up.  Not be so uptight.  (And not any safer from sexual assault, either.)  We're constantly put in a lose-lose situation.

Slutwalk is about calling bullshit on these crazy pressures, and saying, from now on, we will decide what we do with our own bodies.  And we won't let anyone make us feel ashamed.

For more on Slutwalk LA, please click over to Health for the Whole Self.

My Favorite Mistake?? I Don't Think So

In Newsweek on April 17, Judith Regan wrote a piece called "My Favorite Mistake."   Regan, you might remember, was a powerful editor at Simon & Schuster.  Newsweek describes her as the biggest woman in publishing in 1986. In 2006, following her controversial decision to publish OJ Simpson's book "If I Did It," she ended up leaving HarperCollins, under something of a cloud.  Most recently she has begun a radio show, hence the publicity push.

Photo by chillihead at Flickr

I never could understand why a woman would choose to publish such a work, but then, I never understood the attraction of some women to the incarcerated, either.  Although one might reasonably argue I don't have a great track record in choosing men, I never considered, "Oooh, I want to marry one of the Menendez brothers, he's so cute and I'm sure that blasting the parents to bits with a shotgun was an accident."

So, in this short article she talks about falling in love, and what happened next.

It was in my rearview mirror that I first saw him. He was trying to steal my parking space and I flew off the handle until I took a good look at his face. He was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen, and when he jumped out of his car and came toward me, he smiled, leaned in my window, and asked, with infinite charm, if I’d have lunch … and a baby with him. I said yes, and I did, and it was wild, passionate, and, yes, crazy.

Our son was born. A year later, placenta previa ignited my labor and our premature daughter passed away. This man turned violent: black eyes, broken windows, suicide threats, and, finally, he took off. Our son was just a toddler.

photo by Creativity103 at Flickr

For years I wanted to fix him, to get him help so he could be the father I thought my son deserved. I rented him an apartment in New York so he would visit. But he drank too much, caroused too much, and hurt us too much. After years of disappointment, I let go of him. For me, he was no longer my son’s “father.” He was just “The Inseminator.”

This was actually a healthy reaction - at last.  The trying to fix him, to get him help - all co-dependent behaviors, and all doomed to failure, because we can't fix somebody who doesn't want to be fixed.  No matter how long or how hard or earnestly we try.

So, years pass, the OJ Simpson fiasco has come and gone, and her son is getting married.  She sees the abusive ex again at the wedding, only now he's sick and attended by a nurse.

<snip>He seemed not at all the image of the irresponsible swashbuckler I’d carried with me for so long. I was filled with overwhelming regret that I had turned my back on him.

I should have answered his calls. I should have forgiven him. I should have let go of the disappointment long ago. What a horrible mistake I’d made to abandon all hope, to empty my heart of any possibility of love or compassion.

This woman is kicking herself because she finally stopped laying down like a doormat for somebody who'd treated her and her children so badly, and begging him to come take another stroll.  Wipe the dog poo off his shoes, jump up and down, it's all good.

Now I think I understand why she had so much sympathy for OJ Simpson, and felt the poor man should really be able to tell his story.   I am guessing (of course, I am not inside her head) that she felt she was doing something noble by giving OJ a book deal when nobody else would touch him with a 20 foot pole.

What I find scary is the idea that other women (and men) would read something like her article and say, "Oh, gee, maybe later I will regret not giving Igor another chance.  It's true, I did give him 32 second chances, but maybe the 33rd would have been the one that did the trick for him.  Maybe I gave up too soon."

photo by Steve Snodgrass on Flickr

No.  There is a difference between "forgiving" someone, and being a sucker.  There is a difference between abandoning false hope that we can make someone change, and holding onto a grudge.  Compassion does not mean accepting whatever sh*t the other person wants to dish out, until such time as his/her arm gets worn out scooping it on our heads.

What do you think of that article?  (Click the link to read it in full)

Do you think Regan is offering a good lesson, 

or do you think her regrets are unhealthy? 

Leave a comment and weigh in.

Setting the Curtains on Fire

You can buy these curtains here - but why?

What would you do if somebody in your family walked up to a window, flicked his Bic, and set the curtains on fire?

(If they were these curtains, you might say thank you.)

Seriously, you'd probably yell, scream at them, dash around like mad putting out the fire.  Afterwards, there would be more screaming and yelling, because you'd want to make damn sure they didn't pull a stunt like that again.

The problem in living or working with somebody with OCPD, is there tend to be a lot of occasions that are "curtains on fire" emergencies to them, that aren't emergencies at all, to somebody with a healthy, working filter.

Stuff like, oh putting a stirring spoon on a spoon rest.   "Don't do that!  You're getting it all dirty, and then it'll have to be washed."

Uh, yeah.  That's kind of the point of a spoon rest - but I was never allowed to use mine.  Stirring utensils were to go in an empty can, or on the counter.

Funny, it doesn't look evil.

Or putting a fork tines up in the dish drainer.  Tragedy!  (I was taught this was more sanitary, but...)

People who don't have OCPD can usually differentiate between the big things and the little things.  We don't sweat the small stuff.

People who have OCPD don't know what small stuff is.  Everything is potentially dangerous.  You see, that fork, you could prick yourself with it when you go to take it out of the dish drainer and put it away, and then, then you could get blood poisoning and die.  Or become permanently disabled, and then your partner will have to take care of you, because you just didn't think, did you?

One friend I know battling his OCPD signs himself  "Only Contemplates Potential Disasters."

It goes to the Myth of Control, as mentioned in Too Perfect - that by being super-aware, super-alert, by mentally carrying out each scenario to the worst possible extreme, that all disaster can be avoided.

It can't.

The reality is that we are all going to die someday, no matter what precautions we take.  Maybe it will be of natural causes in our nineties, maybe it will be an earthquake followed by a tsunami, in which case the way the chopsticks were placed in a Japanese dish drainer probably didn't make a whole lot of difference.

For "nons" - the more you give in, the more forks you arrange the way the OCPDr wants, the more of the world s/he thinks s/he has to control, the more anxious s/he becomes.  If you stop catering to these fears, eventually s/he will learn that even though you are terribly obtuse and don't realize the danger you're putting everyone in, the sky does not fall when you do it your way, after all.


For those who have (or suspect they may have) OCPD - you don't have to live like you do.  Living like your co-workers, your partner, your children - will set the curtains on fire at any moment, if you are not on guard, ready to spring to action and try to teach them differently is not only eating you up inside, it's alienating the very people you are trying so hard to protect.


Get help - it might take a while, you might have to go through several therapists, but there are professionals who can help you cope with the fears and anxieties that are making your life so hard.

People who are smart enough to realize they need help and get it are smart, strong, admirable people.  Don't rule out anything : medication, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, meditation, support groups, prayer.  Treat yourself like a beloved child who has cancer - is there anything you wouldn't do, to save your child's life?  Is there any article you wouldn't read, any drug you wouldn't try, any rock you'd fail to turn over?

Sadly, though my ex b-f swore he loved me more dearly than his own life, getting help was something he wasn't willing to do.  His fear was bigger than his love.

Your thoughts?