We tend to give people not necessarily what they want, but what we would want if we were in their place.
Sometimes we think we are being kind, when in reality, what are we doing? Avoiding confrontation. Being "nice" - because it is much less work to be nice, right at the moment, than to take a stand and say, "No." "No, that's not what I want; No, I don't want to do that. I understand that you want me to do X, but I choose to do Y."
Whatever your particular "no," is, it will take much energy and effort to maintain your position in the face of the disappointment, manipulation, or tantrum of somebody you do actually care about.
On one of the support boards I belong to, there's a new member, who's realized that she really doesn't want to live with her (untreated) hoarding fiance after all. He's only partway moved in, and already there are boxes and piles everywhere. She's expressed her dismay, which her fiance has brushed off, and she's being instructed to "just jump over" the piles of books and belongings that already block her route to the bathroom and bed, with his move less than half complete.
She wants to tell her fiance, "Whoa, wait a minute. Not what I signed up for, not how I want to live. I think you should stay in your own place, after all, or find another place to live." She's hinted at this already, but he's refused to take the hint. Still, she doesn't want to be mean. She thinks perhaps it'll be easier, if she simply goes along with it for a few months, brings it up gradually. That it'll be kinder that way.
Kinder? Gentler? No, not really.
If you remember this song... you must be ancient.
If your partner would be devastated by something you say today, trust me, s/he will be just as devastated a week, or two, or ten from now. Please also note - if you are involved with a disordered person, and you stand up to him/her, they may throw a tantrum as large as that thrown by a 3 year old in the cereal aisle. And be just as scarred in the long-term (that is, not at all) as that 3 year old. As the non-disordered person, taking the long-view is something only you can do.
Get help, if you don't have the courage/strength to confront him/her, but don't lie to yourself that you're simply trying to be nice/kind. Honestly? You're being chicken sh-t.
Letting a disordered person walk all over you is not, in the long run, a kindness. Not to them, not to you. Staying in a marriage with someone you have grown to loathe - not seeking counseling, not trying a trial separation, not trying to mend the marriage, or break it apart cleanly, but simply to fake it so you are not too bothered by the other person's distress or grief - you're not being kind. You're being a coward.
Take it from Queen Chickensh-t herself. I did not, in the end, spare my partner (or myself) any pain by dragging it out in hopes something miraculous would happen. The times I let him do something crazy and did not call him on it, out of fear (and sometimes, confusion) on my part, did not magically heal him.
You will have to leave - or stay with - a disordered person who is refusing treatment as long as seems right to you. But please, don't delude yourself that by postponing the issue, you are being kind. You're not. It's like a deferred payment on a credit card - it will come due, and with some rather hideous interest charges.
My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.
Have you ever been "cruel to be kind"?
Has someone ever "let your down gradually" in a way that hurt more
than if s/he'd been truthful straight up? Your thoughts?
You ever fall in love, and at first, you're so happy and delighted with one another, you spend most of your time in a happy little cocoon, shutting out the rest of the world? You might not even want to be separated from your new love long enough to bathe.
This may be natural, but as time goes in, in a normal relationship, you begin integrating family and friends back into your activities. You want your best friend to know (and love) your guy; he wants his mother to meet and like you.
In a normal relationship.
In a relationship with a disordered person, the "I want you all to myself" phase continues, although the state of happiness goes from being constant to being rare.
They may smother you with attention, so you can't have contact with other people without their presence. They may complain that your family/friends have been horribly rude to them.
Usually it's not a deliberate, Machiavellian plot to isolate you and make you dependent on the abuse. The disordered person may not even be consciously aware of what s/he is doing.
IMPOSED SOCIAL ISOLATION
Imposed social isolation occurs with such frequency in domestic abuse that it deserves an independent classification. Partners are robbed of contact with other people, including family, friends, children and other loved ones to create a social deprivation that often causes the victim to be more reliant on the abuser while simultaneously preventing him from seeking support or successfully leaving the relationship. The following behaviors are the most commonly used in the imposition of social isolation:
blame of partner's friends or family for the couple's relationship problems
monitoring phone calls, mail, or visits.
demanding an accounting of partner's daily activities
insulting, threatening or assaulting partner's friends/family, driving people out of his life.
forcing partner to choose between the couple relationship and loved ones.
creating public scenes or disturbances when the partner is out with others.
stalking partner or other forms of surveillance.
If you have a partner who manages to throw a scene nearly every time you go out to dinner with another couple... you're going to cut back on evenings out. Or if, every time you go out with your friends for a girls or guys night out, and return to Armageddon, even though on the surface your partner may agree that you have every right to do so, over time, you may decide the pleasure and relief is outweighed by the cost.
Imposed Isolation - Isolation from friends, family and supportive communities is common among victims of abuse. Isolation is sometimes caused by an abusive person who does not want their victim to have close relationships with others who may challenge their behavior. Often, isolation is self-imposed by abuse victims, who out of a sense of shame or guilt, fear the judgment of others.
Sometimes, people with personality disorders use a technique of "Divide and Conquer" to retain control over the people closest to them. One of the most effective ways to maintain an abusive cycle is to ensure that the abuse victim does not have access to outside support. People who represent social rivals or who have a close relationship with Non-PD's are often criticized, split black, and made unwelcome and the Non-PD is warned to stay away.
Often, those who are victims of abuse participate willingly in the isolation because they are afraid of what might happen if they reach out to others:
Other's [sic] might not believe them
Other's [sic] might spread embarrassing gossip about them.
Others might try to intervene in a counter-productive way.
The abuser may find out and punish them.
Examples of Isolation
A woman is afraid to spend an evening with her friends because she knows her husband is jealous of the relationship she has with them and is afraid of how he will react when she comes home.
A man is afraid to call his parents long-distance because he knows his wife is jealous of them and will complain about the cost.
A young girl is afraid to spend time with peers because she is ashamed of her family abuse and does not want others to find out what goes on in her home.
A mother of a girl who has attempted suicide does not attend social gatherings because she is afraid people might ask how her daughter is doing.
A man will not speak to others about his wife's abuse of him because he is afraid he will look weak.
What NOT to Do:
Don't assume you are the only person in the world who is going through what you are.
Don't be ashamed of your situation.
Don't blame yourself for someone else's bad behavior.
Don't let yourself become Isolated.
What TO Do:
Remember there are millions of people going through the same thing.
Find people who understand Personality Disorders and who understand what you are going through.
Find A friend, therapist, coach or mentor who you can trust and visit with them regularly.
Pick the lesser of two evils - it is hard to break the silence but it is even harder to struggle alone.
If you are in a relationship and realize that you've become isolated, do everything you can to maintain or re-establish your lifelines to the outside world. Your number one job is to maintain your own safety and sanity, not to preserve the relationship at any cost.
My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.
Have you even been emotionally isolated by a partner or parent?
Have you been concerned about a loved one
whose partner seems abusive?
What is emotional abuse? Can somebody be an abuser even if they've never raised their voice or called you a name?
You bet your therapy bills they can.
What is verbal abuse, and what ways can someone be abusive? They include:
Withholding - not sharing one's thoughts and emotions, not listening, the silent treatment...
Countering - whatever one says, or begins to say, the abuser jumps in to say it isn't so. Being told that your reality is wrong.
Discounting - one may be told one is too sensitive, overreacting, taking things too seriously...
Verbal abuse disguised as jokes - one can be the butt of a really nasty attack, and when one objects, then be accused of not having a sense of humor.
Blocking and diverting - you may ask for information, and the abuser withholds it and changes the subject. "Do you have any plans for Friday night?" you ask cheerfully. The response: "Why are you asking? You've got plans, haven't you? You're always making plans without consulting me..."
Accusing and blaming - one is blamed for the abuser's bad mood, for 'trying to pick a fight'
Judging and criticizing - "Do you have any idea how fat/old/slutty you look in that dress?" "You're so stupid, you can't keep anything straight..."
Trivializing - conveying that whatever you have done or said is insignificant. Turning up the TV or walking out of the room when you're mid-sentence.
Undermining - squelching any enthusiasm or opinion one might dare to voice, sabotaging exercise or outside interests, friendships.
Threatening - "Do what I want or I'll..."
Name calling - my b-f decided to dub me "Lumpy" as a pet name. Nice, huh?
Forgetting - either immediately forgetting something abusive that has just occurred, or forgetting a promise made to attend an event - "You never told me we had Back-to-School Night tonight."
Ordering - as if the partner or child is a slave. "Get in here and ..."
Denial - "I never said that, You're making it up, You must be crazy..."
Abusive anger - there is no right way to be/speak to avert anger, when a partner wants to be angry. When an abuser who uses anger as his "go-to" emotion is feeling powerless and anxious, he WILL vent by blasting his partner (and then usually blame him/her.) As I've blogged before, anger can become addictive and it has a double pay-off. There's a release of tension, a flow of mood-boosting body chemicals after a blow-up, and the abuser usually cows the victim into doing his/her will.
Men are abusers - and they are also victims of abuse. Abuse is not acceptable, no matter who does it.
Physical violence has never yet been documented to happen without verbal violence preceding it. Emotional and verbal abusers don't get better if you "try harder." If you "give in more." If you "act nicer."
Emotional abusers may act as if they are the ones abused, if you tell them, "Stop. You're hurting me."
If you believe you are being abused, even if it's "just" emotionally or verbally, get help. Even if you're a man.
Nobody deserves to be abused. Not physically, not verbally, not emotionally. No children deserve to grow up in a home where one parent abuses another parent.
My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.
***
Please note, this very incomplete list of resources are not just for physical violence, but can offer help to those suffering verbal and emotional abuse as well. Don't feel you have no "right" to ask for help because you've never been hit. Abuse includes emotional, verbal, and financial, and these resources are there for you, too.
Adolphe William Bougereau
A Young Girl Defending Herself Against Eros
This post continues with Fear of Romantic Commitments from Chapter Four.
This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.
Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.
Fear of Romantic Commitments
Commitment-fearing obsessives suffer the most in the romantic realm. It's not that they can't fall in love. On the contrary, I've know obsessives who are addicted to the high-adrenaline excitement of romance in the early phases, and who fall in love time after time. They may even be capable of balancing comfortably in a love relationship for long periods of time. But whenever they sense an ultimatum to commit themselves in some way to a long-term, exclusive relationship with their romantic partner, their anxiety soars. They are torn. If they get up and walk away, they will still have their freedom, but they will have lost a precious source of intimacy and joy. More important, they may have made an irreversible error that will haunt them forever. Perhaps they will never fall in love again. Or if they do, maybe no subsequent partner will ever measure up to the lost love.
On the other hand, the thought of getting married feels like entering a tunnel that leads directly from the moment of commitment to the grave. <snip>
This cycle of ultimatum-withdrawal-rapprochement is a common one among commitment-fearing obsessives. <snip> The obsessive may then withdraw from the relationship emotionally or physically, or he may start behaving in ways that provoke the other person to get out of it - thus enabling the obsessive to escape blame-free. But many times when the commitment-seeking partner finally does walk away, the obsessive - now terrified that an end to the relationship may be an irreversible mistake - will try to win the partner back. <snip>
***
I may have a bit of Fear Of Commitment Syndrome, myself. Opening our hearts to another person is one of the hardest things any human being can ever do. Perhaps it is telling that the Bougereau painting, above, is one of my all time classical favorites.
I've opened myself up, and gotten my heart stomped on with hobnailed boots. I've held back - and perhaps lost out on what could have been the love of my life, because I wasn't willing to risk opening my heart, and my then-love interest moved on.
And yet... there are no eternal guarantees for anything. Some of the best love relationships I've observed (from the outside) have not ended well. Sometimes a partner gets ill, or dies. Eventually, even if you find the love of your life at 16 and marry at 18 and live your lives happily together till age 108, one of you is going to die. Perhaps you'll be together in the afterlife (some believe this, some don't), but on this earth, your relationship will end, someday.
Is it a smart trade-off - suffer the pain of never allowing ourselves to love, now, to save ourselves the potential pain of losing that love, someday? I think that premise goes to the great Cosmic Scorekeeper, the idea that we can save up martyr chips to cash in later... but life doesn't work like that.
My OCPD ex used to bargain with me, that he might do this-and-such, if I would promise to never leave him, no matter what.
Although I was enveloped deep "in the fog," I did have the sense/courage to say, "No. I will not promise to never leave, no matter what. I love you, I want to stay with you, but if you repeatedly treat me like garbage, I will leave you. No, I am not signing up to forever swallow whatever crap you choose to dish out."
And though the hoovering was intense, I am not sorry I moved on.
I think for a relationship to work, we have to feel that both partners are equally risking their hearts. Hand-in-hand, jumping off that cliff together, not, "You go first, and MAYBE, eventually, if I feel safe enough someday I will join you."
Have you experienced a reluctance to commit romantically, in yourself or others? Or a cycle of drawing closer, pulling back, as described in Too Perfect? Can you commit to Reactions button or a comment, below? :-)
Nephrite, or Jadeite, the two minerals we think of as Jade, can make stunning jewelry and beautiful objets d'arts.
JADEing, as a technique for dealing with someone with OCPD or other personality disorders, sucks rocks.
We have the right, as adults, to decide what we want to eat, drink, wear. If we want to go to a movie or a party, or not. Just because we want to - or don't want to. We are responsible for our choices and their consequences.
With a normal person, we might explain, "No thanks, I'm just not in the mood to see a movie tonight. Perhaps tomorrow night?" Or, "I'm up for a comedy, or something light, but not in the mood for anything deep or dramatic."
With a disordered person, they have boundary issues. They don't really "get" that they could be in the mood for TV, and we could be in the mood for reading, because we are supposed to think like they think, want what they want.
When we JADE, we are agreeing with the presumption that they are entitled to an explanation, as if we can only read, go to the movies, or perform some household task by their standards or with their permission. Unless they are actually our work supervisor, that’s simply not true.
JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain, and it's something we all tend to do, but it feeds into never-ending, circular arguments and the Land of Frustration.
"Don't JADE” doesn't mean “don't disagree,” or giving them the silent treatment. It means that we don't follow them down the rabbit hole of disagreements and explanations and their arguments against our explanations and our arguments against their arguments.
An example:
Him: “Did you eat that whole bag of cookies?”
You not JADEing: “I am in charge of what I eat.”
Him: “But you're supposed to be on a diet! You never stick to anything!”
You JADEing: “I missed lunch, and I'm not supposed to get too hungry on the diet, or I'll binge later.
The book says...”
Him: “If you keep eating this way, you're going to have a heart attack and die. And you'll deserve it!”
You JADEing: “I haven't eaten any junk food in two weeks! And what about that bushel of cheese fries you had last Thursday?”
not JADEing: “I am, once again, in charge of what I eat. And I'm done talking about this.”
Him: “And what if I wanted a cookie? Did you think of that? You never think of anyone but yourself!” not JADEing: “I'm done talking. You seem to be having trouble letting this go, so I'm headed out to the movies. See you in a couple of hours.”
How about someone partner whose is "concerned" when her husband goes out for lunch; both because of the money he's "wasting," and because she feels it is her job to be the Food Police.
"Did you go for lunch with anyone?"
"Yep, Joe and I went to Chili's."
"How can you waste money that way? Don't you know how unhealthy Chili's food is?"
"We can afford the occasional lunch out, and I'll manage my own food choices."
"We still have a mortgage! You have no business spending extra money while we still have debt!"
"Hon, I love you very much, but even married adults make their own food choices and their own decisions about small expenditures. I'm not going to discuss this any further."
"Most adults make sensible choices! I know you had fajitas, didn't you? Don't you know that cheese will kill you? You'll have a heart attack and the kids and I will be left homeless!"
"Hon? I love you, but I'm done talking about this."
"You don't care about us! You never communicate."
"Love you. Done talking."
"How would the kids feel if they knew their father hated them?"
"The talking? Is done."
"Why did you even get married if you were planning to have a heart attack before age fifty?"
"I'm going to watch Grey's Anatomy now. I'd be happy for you to stay and watch it with me, because I love you, but I'm not going to talk any more."
Another example - the Perfectionist wife has been getting very upset over the "wrong way" in which the grocery bags are packed at the store, and the order in which they are carried into the house from the car. It’s not like people can stop eating, after all, and the Perfectionist wife has back problems so the husband can’t just leave all the grocery shopping and loading up to her, much as he'd like to. Now he's tense and dreading the weekly drama.
OCPD Wife: “What are you doing? You’re doing it all wrong, I can’t believe you <hissy hissy, fit fit>
JADEing: “Look, it doesn't matter what order I carry the bags in. If the ice cream goes into the freezer a minute and a half later than it could have, it's not going to be ruined. No, it's not. No, ice crystals are not going to form in a minute and a half. Look, I'm not going to evaluate every cold item in the groceries and make a plan like the Battle of Normandy to get them in the freezer in the right order. No, I don't want you to get salmonella, but chicken doesn't go bad in a minute and a half either! What do the crackers have to do with it; we were talking about cold stuff? No, the crackers aren't going to go stale if they're in the bag for half a minute with the apples. No, and they're not going to make the apples go bad. I don't care what they say about ripening apples with a piece of bread, that has nothing to do with...”
fit.>”
Not JADEing: “Hon, if you don't like the way I'm carrying in the bags, maybe you shouldn't watch.”
You see why JADEing is a bad idea? The argument will never, ever end. You will never, ever be anything but wrong in her eyes. All you can do is refuse to cater to her demands, and let her accept, over time, that you are determined to be wrong. Over time she may come to see that you're being “wrong” will not result in horrible doom for both of you, and she may be able to relax her fears for a couple of minutes before the next threat comes along.
When you JADE, you are feeding the dynamic that you have to get their permission/approval to carry out your personal actions. This creates more anxiety for them. Remember, the OCPD person is convinced that if s/he doesn't take charge of as much as possible, catastrophe is around the corner.
Will the disordered person be upset if you don't JADE? Yes.
Will they be upset if you DO JADE? Yes, and so will you.
Key to making not JADEing work is
a) the 4 C's: Staying Calm, Cool, Collected, and Confident.
b) Practice! Run some of the most frequent arguments through a script process, above, and see if you can't take what you usually do, whether it is justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining your point of view, and try not JADEing.
It takes being prepared and balanced to practice not JADEing. If we start off-balance, it is that much easier for OCPD to knock us off our feet and into the drink.
Just pretend you're Crush, Queen of Joust. Do a little mental booty dance.
Have you had experiences with not JADEing vs. JADEing?
Tell us how it worked out.
This post continues with Control Strategies Can Conflict and Failure of The Myth, from Chapter Two.
This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.
Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.
CONTROL STRATEGIES CAN CONFLICT
We've seen how the obsessive's need for control extends into three main areas: control of self, others, and impersonal events. Although I have discussed each separately, these aspects of control often commingle. Sometimes they conflict.
Jennifer, for instance, recounted this sequence of events. She was a perfectionist with strong opinions about everything from what dish detergent worked best to which clothing designers offered the best best. So when she and a group of friends were deciding where to go for dinner, Jennifer knew immediately in her own mind which was the best choice. She refrained, however, from explicitly trying to persuade the group to go there. "I didn't want the whole decision to be on my shoulders," she said. (In the next chapters we'll take a close look at how perfectionism provokes such fear of decision-making.) Instead she insisted that the choice made no difference to her. The more the group discussed other possibilities, however, the more Jennifer inwardly chafed. Almost in spite of herself, she began to try unobtrusively to influence the decision toward her preference, casually mentioning a few advantages of the spot, noting a drawback to one of the alternatives. And yet almost the moment the group did select her preference, Jennifer found herself regretting she had ever said anything that might have tipped the scales in the decision. All the way to the restaurant she worried: about whether the same chef was working there; whether everyone in the group would like this type of food; whether the service would be too slow, Later, when one of her companions voiced a minor complaint about his meals, the comment deeply upset her. She had assumed total responsibility over the whole experience, as if it were under her control to make everything work out well.
<snip> Her desire to control the group's behavior directly (by picking the restaurant outright) conflicted with her fear that her choice might turn out to be less than perfect, and thus lower her friends' opinion of her. When she nonetheless subtly nudged them into selecting her choice, she began to worry (as if that might prevent the worst from happening) and to voice some of her concerns in a display of self-protective pessimism.
FAILURE OF THE MYTH
A whole host of experiences stand ready to contradict the Myth of Control, pointing out to obsessives that in fact they can't always completely control themselves, others, and life's impersonal events. They will feel some irrepressible emotions and see their self-discipline lapse at times. Despite their best efforts, someone at some time is bound to disapprove of them. And despite all their precautions and all their attempts to mollify the Scorekeeper, obsessives, like anyone else, are almost certain to get sick, hurt themselves, or suffer financial reverses now and then.
***
Gee, boys and girls, can we say passive-aggressive? Ex-boyfriend would do this - refuse to state a preference, maintain that it didn't matter to him at all, and then, when I'd say, okay, we'll go with the green one (or whatever), throw a hissy-fit because he didn't want the green one. This crazymaking game of "guess what I want" where they don't give you a clue, yet get very, very upset if you guess wrong, is exhausting.
And yet, in all fairness, I have to say I've done this myself sometimes. (Probably more than sometimes, I'm sure I've done it more than I was aware of.) I'm working on this so when there is a group choice, and it does matter to me, not being afraid to speak up and say, "I prefer this," or "I'd rather not that." Pushy? Outspoken? I can live with that, rather than being passive-aggressively manipulative.
Back to the restaurant scenario - let's say I tell my friends, I want to eat at Restaurant X. Let's say we go there and it is the absolute worst restaurant experience ever in the history of meals: the service is bad; the food is cold and inedible; and it's overpriced.
So what? I would probably make a joke about it, that obviously I was on some really, really good (or bad) drugs when I'd been there before, we'd all laugh it off, and it would become an "in" joke: "Do you all remember when we went to The Worst Restaurant on Earth?" If I went to a bad restaurant, or watched a movie I didn't care for, or tried to read a book that I couldn't get into on a friend's recommendation, I wouldn't think less of the friend. I'd just think, wow, our tastes were not alike in this particular instance.
Have experienced this kind of mix of behaviors, either in yourself
This post continues with Control Over Others, Control Through Irreproachability, and Control Games, from Chapter Two.
This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.
Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that may not all be covered in these excerpts.
CONTROL OVER OTHERS
The second aspect of the Myth of Control is the need to control others. <snip> Most direct are those who rigidly insist that their employees, children, and spouses do things their way, never considering how such a dictatorial attitudes makes other people feel. Like anyone else, these obsessives usually want others to view them as kind and nonjudgmental, and are usually surprised when they are not seen that way. They just can't bring themselves to do what it takes to win that reputation; they can't step back and let the people around them act in their own individual styles.
CONTROL THROUGH IRREPROACHABILITY
<snip> they strive to make people think well of them, always. The main objective underlying this strategy is to leave no room for criticism. In early childhood, we learn which behaviors and abilities are labeled "good" by parents, teachers, and others. Many obsessives master these skills, developing a brilliant facility for identifying those attitudes and behaviors considered virtues in each new social situation and them adopting them absolutely. Thoughts or images incompatible with this image of perfection are suppressed or rejected.
<snip> Robert did experience anxiety during this period, especially when he found himself a bit less universally admired, but he also found that the sky didn't fall when he allowed himself to be more genuine and less perfect. As he gradually stopped hating himself for his phoniness, he became better able to let people get close. When somebody liked him, he knew it wasn't because of some role he was playing. He trusted that person's positive response more. <snip>
Like other aspects of the control myth, trying to control other people's feelings by being wonderful has major drawbacks. For one thing, it's impossible. You simply can't embody everyone's idea of virtue. Anyone who tries is bound to incur someone's disapproval sooner or later. And when the obsessive can't prevent someone from being angry with him, rejecting him, or doubting his abilities or character, he may find it impossible to let it go. Often he'll ruminate about the incident, unable to relax, until he devises a way to "fix" it.
CONTROL GAMES
Subtly manipulative control games are another way in which obsessives strive to assert their power over others. Such power plays whisper: "I've got the upper hand here. I decide whether or not we will interact. And if we do, I decide the beginning, ending, and content of those interactions." Note that I say whisper; you very well may not recognize that you're the object of such tactics. In fact, the obsessive himself usually is not conscious that he's doing it. Part of the nature of these ploys is that each has an alternate, perfectly reasonable explanation. When your colleague shows up several minutes late for a meeting, it may well be that a last-minute phone call unavoidably delayed her. But when this happens repeatedly, you have to wonder if her slight tardiness doesn't spring from an unconscious need to demonstrate that she, and not other people, decides when she's got to be somewhere.
<snip> The tactic of making another person wait can assume a variety of guises. It may involve prolonging a decision. Perhaps you need to know what your spouse if planning for Friday evening, so you can decide whether you're free to attend a professional meeting. But your spouse just can't seem to come to a decision, leaving you stymied.
<snip> All these interpersonal control tactics do accomplish their aim to a degree. However, their net result is often painful and destructive because ultimately they obstruct the sense of connection and intimacy that all humans need and crave.
***
This is where we tend to have the most battles; when Perfectionists try to control us. My ex would often scold, "I have to show you how to do everything," because I did few things "right" in his eyes, from the way I opened the gate to the driveway, to the way I washed my hands and carried in bags from the grocery store. Let alone the Shower Rules.
At first, I would do it his way, or JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain. The best way to deal is to not JADE;) as those of you who've tried those techniques know, they don't work. Those with OCPD will simply argue you into the ground until you give up out of exhaustion, and whether you do one or three things his way, he won't do the next thing your way. He will find 15 more things you're not doing his way.
I've tried to be perfect and irreproachable, myself: the top student in class, the most attractive woman in the room, the best at whatever I turned my hand to. Like that really worked out! And so, I've found that despite being a "failure" more often than not, I do pretty well, and most, if not all, people truly like imperfect, unglamorous me. I'm "over" trying to kill myself to be The Best at something, but will put in as much effort as I think the task deserves.
I've come to realize I have other, more covert Perfectionists in my life, who are, indeed, trying to live in a way that leaves no room for criticism, and whose criticism and control games can be subtle.
ME: I'm going to do X.
Other Person: Well, that's one way to do it.
Not a criticism, exactly, just a hint of disapproval and suggestion that OP has a (much) better way. In the past, I'd always bite, and ask, "Oh, what do you suggest, ye wonderful wise person?" or perhaps, even get into an argument about it. Now, I'm learning to either ignore the comment, or say cheerfully, "Yep, that's the way it suits me, right now." Or ask for a suggestion, if I'm interested - but I'm not manipulated into it any more.
On the lateness issue - I have a friend who's always an hour late to anything. And he used to whine to me about how people didn't understand, how they always took it as a mark of disrespect, blah-blah. Well, we are still (more distant) friends, and when we plan to meet, anywhere, I always bring a book along and plan to wait for an hour (sometimes it's even less) but now turn a deaf ear to his complaints of busyness and inability to control his lateness. Like other people aren't busy, too?
It is disrespectful and insulting. Our friendship has become more distant, in part because I have come to recognize his manipulations and excuses for what they are. I don't have time and emotional energy for that BS any more. One very good thing that has come about, as I rediscover myself after being with an OCPDr, is I am recognizing unhealthy dynamics in many of my other relationships, and am working to change them as well.
I, too, have tried to be a "too perfect" friend and confidant, and I realize I need to be my own best friend. If people think I'm not as "nice" anymore... oh well!
Except that there were the inevitable bobbles, for which I had to contact.... Customer Service. <you can cue the Jaws theme music here.>
When I moved away from OCPD ex b-f in June, I switched from DSL internet connection to cable, and due to who knows why, my ISP had to assign me a new username and passcode for my new connection. I should have written it down, but I had a lot on my mind then, and anyway, I'd picked an easy name and passcode, because I knew I would remember it...
You knew I wouldn't, right?
So I decided that, instead of calling in to my ISP helpline, and trying to verbally communicate with "Muffy" and "Jeff" and "Ashleigh," whose thick Indian accents have almost driven me to eating my own head in the past, I would try to resolve it via chat on my work 'puter during my morning break. I got "Rocky" and "Juliet," instead.
I'm not unsympathetic to Rocky and Juliet. (Or even Muffy and Jeff.) They work long hours, don't earn a lot of money, and are working in an unfamiliar language. Plus, many of the people they're trying to help are idiots. (I might even count myself as one of those idiots.) I'm sure I would do much worse as a Customer Service Rep if I was trying to communicate in their language. I don't want to be nasty to Rocky & Juliet.
So I'm typing away, but Rocky is intent on going through the full script. He's not listening to what I'm saying (or in this case, typing.)
ME: Hi, I have a new home computer, I need to find out my online log-in name for my cable connection, so that I can log in.
ROCKY: Congratulations on your new computer. We can certainly help you with this. For help with your cable connection, you will have to contact your local cable company.
ME: There's nothing wrong with my cable, it was working fine with my old computer. I just need the username, which I forgot, so that I can get online with the new computer.
ROCKY: Are you chatting from your new computer?
ME <taking a deep breath>: NO, I can't get online from my new computer. I need the username which logs me onto the cable connection.
ROCKY: Let me direct you to the site which gives you the steps to get online.
ME: Thank you, see that first step? Login with your username. You guys set me up with a new username in June, but I don't remember what it is. I just need the username for the account, and possibly a password reset.
ROCKY: Are you online from your new computer now?
ME: No, I CAN'T GET ONLINE FROM MY NEW COMPUTER. Look, just give me the CS to call, I'll call later from home. (Meanwhile, I have scrolled through My Account and finally located the mystery username - it's my usual username, plus the number 1. Genius!)
I get off chat with Rocky, try fruitlessly to log in or reset the passcodes myself to that username e-mail account, and eventually "Juliet" does a passcode reset for me. When I get home later that evening, voila! All better.
But this reminded me soooo much of a discussion on one of my "boards" about those with OCPD and their scripts. Sometimes it feels like we are trying to have a discussion, and the other person isn't so much listening and responding to us, but stuck in a groove. Like they're onstage, and are trying to feed us a cue. And they're going to keep tossing it to us, regardless of what we say back to them.
Which leads to fights and bad feelings all around.
Some OCPDrs themselves have described this seeking for the "right" answer, the right response. They may not know exactly what they wanted to hear back, but they knew they weren't getting it, so they felt obligated to press on, until they heard - whatever it was - that they needed to hear. This was unlikely, depending on how long the interaction had gone on, to be a true reflection of their partner's feeling or thoughts, but it was the right answer.
Here's what one frustrated partner joked:
I have told my DW rather than having a pointless discussion she should prepare a script in advance. She'd give me a copy. She'd read her lines. I'd read my lines. I'd know when I'm allowed to speak and when I'm not. She'd hear exactly what she wants to hear. We could even use the same scripts over and over. I'd know when it was going to end. We could both be happy.
Has this ever happened to you?
Frequently, I would begin speaking. DW would anticipate that I was about to say X. She would cut me off and start responding to X. I would tell her I was not going to say X; I was going to say Y. She would then insist that I was lying. We would then get into a ridiculous argument about what I would have said had she not interrupted.
I have been there, done that. And <hanging my head in shame> have done my share of interrupting others as well, though I've never gotten into arguments about what somebody else would have said.
Maybe we need to take a bit of advice from Patsy.
So how does one deal with someone who won't "Stop, look and listen"?
One tactic is to walk away and start ignoring the person. They'll ask why. Answer: "It seemed you were not interested in a conversation, but a monologue. Since my participation is not required, I thought I'd keep myself occupied while you finished up." (It's important if you take this approach, to keep your tone neutral and pleasant - no heavy sarcasm in your tone, please.)
Another is to yell at them to Quit Interrupting!
Another is to simply not answer at all, unless asked why. Then give the same answer (my participation seemed unnecessary.)
I thought about trying a sock puppet, myself. Talk to the monkey!
Theoretically, you could talk to the Rambler during a moment of lucidity, like I did, and say, "You know, sometimes one of us might be talking, maybe when we've had a bit too much to drink, or are really excited about something, and we kind of talk right over the other person, and don't listen very well. How about we agree on a signal so the other person realizes they're doing it? A code word, holding up a hand or something...?"
I thought, by making it neutral, by saying this is something we both do, something we both should be allowed to halt, that he would agree. And he did.
Agree, that is.
In practice... it didn't work so well. Often his mouth was like the Aerosmith song, "Train keep a-rollin', all night long." But not in a good way.
I don't think there is any one approach that will work with everyone, all the time, because we are all individuals, and so are the people who, uhmmm, have their scripts.
For myself, I'm going to try to work on the bad habit of interrupting others in my own conversations. To be aware that if what I have to say is that important, the opportunity to say it will arise again, and if it doesn't... maybe what I had to say wasn't that important, after all.
To realize that every moment does not have to be filled with noise, to babble words just for the sake of filling the empty pauses. Silences are meaningful, and often, beautiful and essential parts of listening.
To breathe more. To smile more. To hold up a hand or walk away if others interrupt me.
What are you going to do to improve the quality of your conversations?
So, as I move along this journey to rediscovering myself, I realize that OCPD ex-bf, in many ways, was one of my easier relationships. The confrontation and tantrums were usually right in my face.
But, I've had other relationships in which I also played Ms. Co-Dependent to the Max, because, after all, I'm nice. I'm a people pleaser (and if you're thinking, she's saying that like it's a bad thing - you may be one, too.)
Being kind and flexible is wonderful. However, we can get so wrapped up in pleasing others, in trying to make others happy, that we forget all about us; our needs, wants, and best interests.
We need to be able to say no (or, Hell no!) if someone tries to manipulate us into doing something that crosses our boundaries. In my life, I've been pressured/manipulated by those who wanted me to:
Eat something when I was already full, or which contained ingredients that I don't like
Join them in the practice of particular religious beliefs
Perform sexual acts that I'd rather not
Go to certain parties, or stay longer when I wanted to leave
Take over someone else's job duties
Favors
Mind you, there is nothing wrong with someone asking, "Would you like to try doing it on a trapeze, while wearing a Batman mask?" (Okay, maybe something a lot wrong with that.)
An open, honest question or offer contains the implied freedom to say "No thank you." If we feel that saying no is not an option - we're probably being played.
Cats playing piano - awesome.
People being played by manipulators - NOT so awesome.
The only way we can have real, honest, fulfilling relationships, is if we are coming from our True Selves. And that means, kindly, gently, but firmly, refusing to be manipulated.
Or, we can channel our Inner Bitch and say, "I don't think so."
Here's some good info from Wikihow:
Understand the characteristics of a manipulative personality. They're not always obvious because they play a silent game of building up obligations toward them, that end up with you feeling guilty, pressured, and obliged to carry out things for their sake even though you're still wondering how things got to this point. Some of the characteristics of a manipulative personality include:
A martyr style personality. This personality type behaves as if he or she is being considerate toward others but is actually messing up considerateness with a need to be significant to you. By "martyring" themselves, they are doing things nobody has asked of them or wants them to do but in the process creates a bind when they do them. In "doing you a favor", their expectation increases that you have to return the favor. They may also complain constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder rhetorically when you're going to return this favor...
Excessively needy and dependent personalities. People who feel uncomfortable in their own skin, putting forth their own opinions and ideas can often hide behind manipulative behavior so that it seems as if you are responding on your own accord even though they've set up everything to have you respond directly to their neediness.
Narcissists. This is the archetypal manipulative personality and it's very hard to deal with this master manipulator.
You. Seriously, at one time or other, every single one of us practices manipulative behaviors in one form or other. It is just that for most people, manipulative actions tend to be one-off or only occasional instances rather than a purposeful map for daily living and interaction with others.
Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another. There are some key behaviors that can end up in manipulation, and it's helpful to know how to spot them before walking right into them. The behaviors are set out briefly here, with the following steps providing more details along with suggestions for healthy ways to respond:
The guilt trip – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of "should" rather than standing up for your own values.
The assumption statement – this manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what, your refutation is proof of the assumption.
He said, she said – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you what someone else said was the right thing to do. It's a handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you.
The confronting statement – this manipulative approach is about causing an argument. That way, the provoker will end up making you feel terrible over something you didn't do or say but for which you ought to feel guilty anyway and they'll get a huge chunk of sympathy with which to manipulate you all over again.
Self-pity: "But I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc." – At times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention.
Go HERE for the rest of this great article for tips on how to respond to each technique.
Boy, have I suckered in to the martyrs in my life! They're so kind, considerate, self-sacrificing, surely I should appreciate them more. Of course, OCPD ex b-f used this technique too. "I've been slaving all day to grow tomatoes" or make spaghetti sauce or some other thing he'd chosen to do, martyr-style, not even stopping to have lunch, that I never asked him to do in the first place, let alone suggest he work at such a pace that he didn't take reasonable breaks. All his own choices.Then he'd pick a fight because I wasn't sufficiently grateful, in his opinion. And then the next time he asked for something, I would usually give in, whether I wanted to or not, because I felt guilty about "making him feel bad."
Good grief, Charlie Brown! <Shaking my head to clear out the cobwebs>
But, as I said, I am recognizing he wasn't the only one to pull my strings. That with good boundaries and better connection with my authentic self, I will have healthier relationships with everyone in my life.
Frankly, I'm beyond tired of guilt trips. They're not a lot of fun, and I already know the boring scenery by heart.
The next trip I take, I want to pack a bag and stay in a gorgeous hotel. Maybe get a massage. I like the massage-type of manipulation.
How about you? Have you been played like a cheap guitar too many times? What do you do to recognize the manipulators and take care of you?
Get help, if you don't have the courage/strength to confront him/her, but don't lie to yourself that you're simply trying to be nice/kind. Honestly? You're being chicken sh-t.
