Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.



Sunday, August 17, 2014

Mourning #RobinWilliams - But Not My Father

Robin Williams and Pam Dawber as Mork and Mindy
Robin Williams and Pam Dawber
as Mork and Mindy
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I know that a lot of people who didn't know him personally felt trashed by Robin Williams' suicide. As did I.

But it bugged me. Why?

And I felt guilty, because a few years ago this month, my father passed, and mostly, my reaction was "Good riddance to bad rubbish!"

Which is not entirely fair, as my father did have his good qualities, even if it doesn't take more than one handful of fingers to enumerate them.

Still. I loved Robin Williams. My heart still aches with what his loss means to me, and what it must mean to his kids, his wives (past and present), and to his friends.

But he wouldn't have known ME if I'd gone up to him on the street and bit him in the ass.


What dawned on me was something another amazing, recently passed person said.
You see, on rare occasions, my father made me feel happy or good about myself. Mostly, he made me feel like crap, an inconvenience, a burden, something in the way.


Robin Williams Made Me Happy


From Mork & Mindy to Genie from Aladdin, Robin Williams made me laugh. The first non-musical album I blew my rent and grocery money on was his: "Reality... What a Concept."

List of Disney's Aladdin characters
List of Disney's Aladdin characters
Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Sometimes he made me cry, in works like The Fisher King and Dead Poets Society and What Dreams May Come, but it was always a good kind of crying, if that makes sense.

I probably spent more hours, total, with Robin Williams than I did with my father. And unlike time with my father, my time with Robin was always positive. His innate kindness always shone through everything he did. I always looked forward to the next movie or show or comedy routine or video clip.

And so, I'm re-examining my own life. As my oldest sister recovers from cancer - she's currently considered in full remission, yay, I think about her, and my other sister, and who I want to be.

AVIANO AIR BASE, Italy-- Comedian Robin Willia...
AVIANO AIR BASE, Italy-- Comedian Robin Williams
performs as part of a USO holiday show held for
the Aviano community, Dec. 22, 2007.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
One of my sisters always uses a cheery tone, a smile you can hear in her voice, and will say, "Hello, my sister! It's so good to hear your voice."

The other sister often begins a litany of complaints within minutes, if not upon first greeting, which at least half of the time sounds tense, as if the call is an annoyance.

Guess which sister I want to emulate?

While I don't plan on dying any time soon, and am taking various steps to better care for myself, I want to be like Robin Williams and my happy-voice sister. I want people to be trashed when I die, because they're going to miss me.

Because I made them feel good.


How did you feel about the death of Robin Williams,
when you first heard?
How do you feel about it now?
Do you make people feel more good, than otherwise,
or are you not sure?
You thoughts?










Sunday, August 3, 2014

Purge, Baby, Purge!

I've always had a sneaking sympathy toward hoarders, because in my own life, it's often, very, very hard for me to get rid of material possessions.

Every object has bound up in it a thousand memories, or so it seems. If I throw them away, it feels like I am ripping away a part of myself.

Take these programs. Many, many moons ago, I was falling deeply in love with This Guy, and This Guy and I went to these shows together.




Are we together now? No.

Are we likely together to be together anytime in the foreseeable future? No.

What is the feeling when I look at them? Pain, rejection, regret.

So I was holding onto them because....? Who knows - I'm a stupid masochist?

Will I forget the good times we shared, if I don't have the keepsakes any longer? Unless I get Altzheimers, not damn likely.

So I am cluttering up my home with them because...?

Hello, shredder, goodbye, flyers.




I have this towel, that every time I look at it, gives me a twinge of pain.

Goodbye, towel that I bought for Guy to use when we went camping together. Hello, Goodwill donation!




All those pictures of me and (another) ex in my family photos frames? Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.



Part of this hoarding thing, of course, is inertia.  It takes a fair amount of work to take the photo collages off the wall, to choose new photographs that already are or can be resized to replace the old ones. Easier to just let the old ones stay hanging out on the wall. And, bite me, I gotta go buy new INK cartridges before I can print out my new photos!

Yet. If I want, someday, to bring a new lover into my life (and I do), it's not a real promising start if I am bringing him into an environment overflowing with pictures and keepsakes from ex-boyfriends.

I wouldn't react very positively if the situation was reversed. *I* don't want to visit a new flame's home and feel like it is so crowded with keepsakes and memorabilia of bitches from his prior life that I would have to wedge myself into a small, unobtrusive corner.

Everybody i carrying around baggage, But do we have to keep it on display in the living room?

Prolly not.

In other personal news:

My sister's cancer is officially in remission.  Yay!

A second "celebration of life" was held for my brother-in-love in Sequoia National Forest. It was beautiful, and sometimes fraught with small personal dramas, and many tears. I miss him, and it hurts.






All my loved ones are all now moving forward with life, love, and dealing with our personal angels and demons.

As do we all, every day.

Hugs and healing to you.
Your thoughts?

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Back in the Saddle?

April 15-3
April 15-3 (Photo credit: cj&erson)
Not quite, but soon. This spring has been one that has been overwhelming, as I coped with:

  • Extremely demanding day job (hint: no let-up until April 15).
  • Oldest sister undergoing chemo treatment for a rare form of cancer.
  • Her husband simultaneously declining in health due to a stroke combined with a failing liver. He required 24/7 nursing care, and was released from the hospital in February. While I was mostly only able to help on the weekends, I also became airport shuttle for family members flying in to help care for him.

    He passed on April 19.

Since this ordeal began, I've not had the time, energy, nor motivation to write, neither here nor elsewhere, but I am beginning to feel "stirrings" again.

In the meantime, we have held the first of two memorials/"celebrations of life" for my brother-in-lawlove. He was a beautiful, if damaged soul, who entered my life when I was four, so, yes, I am deeply grieving, even if also relieved he is no longer in pain nor struggling for breath. And our family awaits word on the latest tests that may indicate whether my sister's cancer is in remission... Or not.

In the meantime, I'm reading "Your Mind is What Your Brain Does For a Living" which offers a mix of memoir, CBT, mindfulness exercises, and transactional analysis.  So far, it is neither blowing me out of the water with new insight, nor gluing me to the page with the brilliance of the writing; HOWEVER, for those battling ocpd, it may offer important tips for you.

Sometimes it just takes looking at something from a different angle for the light bulbs to go off. There's a heavy focus on computer programming analogies and understanding how the brain is wired, and can be REwired, that could potentially be helpful.

Wishing health and healing to all my readers, and their loved ones. I'll be back when I can.
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