Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Mourning #RobinWilliams - But Not My Father

Robin Williams and Pam Dawber as Mork and Mindy
Robin Williams and Pam Dawber
as Mork and Mindy
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I know that a lot of people who didn't know him personally felt trashed by Robin Williams' suicide. As did I.

But it bugged me. Why?

And I felt guilty, because a few years ago this month, my father passed, and mostly, my reaction was "Good riddance to bad rubbish!"

Which is not entirely fair, as my father did have his good qualities, even if it doesn't take more than one handful of fingers to enumerate them.

Still. I loved Robin Williams. My heart still aches with what his loss means to me, and what it must mean to his kids, his wives (past and present), and to his friends.

But he wouldn't have known ME if I'd gone up to him on the street and bit him in the ass.

What dawned on me was something another amazing, recently passed person said.
You see, on rare occasions, my father made me feel happy or good about myself. Mostly, he made me feel like crap, an inconvenience, a burden, something in the way.

Robin Williams Made Me Happy

From Mork & Mindy to Genie from Aladdin, Robin Williams made me laugh. The first non-musical album I blew my rent and grocery money on was his: "Reality... What a Concept."

List of Disney's Aladdin characters
List of Disney's Aladdin characters
Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Sometimes he made me cry, in works like The Fisher King and Dead Poets Society and What Dreams May Come, but it was always a good kind of crying, if that makes sense.

I probably spent more hours, total, with Robin Williams than I did with my father. And unlike time with my father, my time with Robin was always positive. His innate kindness always shone through everything he did. I always looked forward to the next movie or show or comedy routine or video clip.

And so, I'm re-examining my own life. As my oldest sister recovers from cancer - she's currently considered in full remission, yay, I think about her, and my other sister, and who I want to be.

AVIANO AIR BASE, Italy-- Comedian Robin Willia...
AVIANO AIR BASE, Italy-- Comedian Robin Williams
performs as part of a USO holiday show held for
the Aviano community, Dec. 22, 2007.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
One of my sisters always uses a cheery tone, a smile you can hear in her voice, and will say, "Hello, my sister! It's so good to hear your voice."

The other sister often begins a litany of complaints within minutes, if not upon first greeting, which at least half of the time sounds tense, as if the call is an annoyance.

Guess which sister I want to emulate?

While I don't plan on dying any time soon, and am taking various steps to better care for myself, I want to be like Robin Williams and my happy-voice sister. I want people to be trashed when I die, because they're going to miss me.

Because I made them feel good.

How did you feel about the death of Robin Williams,
when you first heard?
How do you feel about it now?
Do you make people feel more good, than otherwise,
or are you not sure?
You thoughts?