Why Does He DO That? Introduction (Part 3)

We are reading, and, I hope, entering into a healthy discussion of the book Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.


Please, do buy your own copy - both because I won't be excerpting all of it, and because this author deserves our $upport.

From the Introduction - My Experience Working with Angry and Controlling Men:

For roughly the next five years I worked almost exclusively with clients were coming to the program voluntarily. They generally attended under heavy pressure from their female partners, who were either talking about leaving the relationship or had already done so. <snip> The men’s main motivation for seeking counseling was the hope of saving their relationships. It was common for them to feel some guilt or discomfort about their abusive behavior, but they simultaneously believed strongly in the validity of their excuses and justifications, so their feelings of remorse would not of been enough in themselves to have kept them in my program. In those early years, the clients I worked with were men who used far more verbal and emotional abuse and physical violence, although most of them had been physically intimidating or assaultive on at least a few occasions.

<snip>...with the result that court-mandated clients started at first to trickle and then to pour in the doors of our program. These men often had a much greater propensity for physical violence than our earlier clients, sometimes involving the use of weapons or vicious beatings resulting in hospitalization of their partners. Yet we observed that in other ways these men were generally not significantly different from our verbally abusive clients: their attitudes and excuses tended to be the same, and they used mental cruelty side by side with their physical assaults. Equally important was that the female partners of these battering men were largely describing the same distresses in their lives that we were hearing about from women who would been psychologically abused, showing us that different forms of abuse have similar destructive impacts on women.

<snip> my colleagues and I have been strict about always speaking to the woman whom our client has mistreated, whether or not the couple is still together. (And if he has started a new relationship, we talk with his current partner as well, which is part of how we became aware of the ways in which abusive men continue their patterns from one relationship to the next.) It is through these interviews with women that we’ve received our greatest education about power and control in relationships. The women’s accounts also have taught us that abusive men present their own stores with tremendous denial, minimization, and distortion of the history of their behaviors and that is therefore otherwise impossible for us to get an accurate picture of what is going on in an abusive relationship without listening carefully to the abused woman.

***

Their Attitudes and Excuses Tended to be the Same

I've heard many people argue that verbal abuse isn't real abuse. I've even made the same argument, myself. But if the abuser who hits "only" with words, dirty looks, and contemptuous body language, has the same attitude, and same goal - to cow and intimidate his/her victim, to make him/her "behave," as the abuser who hits with a closed fist, then it really isn't so different.

 

Different Forms of Abuse Have Similar Destructive Impacts

Sticks and stones... words will never hurt you, right? Unlike the well-meant childhood fibs about Santa and the Tooth Fairy (sorry if I'm blowing it for you), the LIE about words not hurting us could not be more untrue. I bet everyone reading this, everyone I know, can remember a stinging insult, a painful accusation or comment from our childhood and teen years.

Loser, weakling, incompetent, stupid, untrustworthy, clumsy, selfish... The terrible thing is, even as an adult, if someone we love and trust says something negative about our character or personality, and it hits us in an emotionally vulnerable spot, we'll keep "playing the tape" over and over again in our minds.

If someone tells me, "You're extremely short," I can easily laugh that off. If a stranger who is angry at me tells me, "That's awfully selfish of you," I can usually laugh that off as well - maybe she is trying to hurt me because I didn't go along with her selfish agenda, maybe I was behaving selfishly in that one particular instance.

But I don't want to think of myself as a selfish person. So if my partner says to me, "I can't believe how selfish you are. You're always thinking about yourself, never about other people," I will obsess endlessly over it - especially if he said such a thing more than once. This person knows and loves me. He wouldn't say something like that simply to hurt me. Maybe I am selfish. Hoping to win his approval/praise, I would jump through any number of hoops to prove to him that no, I'm not really selfish. No matter how much it cost me to do so.

And of course, there were always more hoops.


Disclaimer: The information posted here, and any comment responses, are not to be considered professional advice and are not intended to replace consultation with a qualified medical or mental health professional. If you are involved in a relationship that includes physical, financial, and/or emotional violence, please contact a professional for help and assistance.

In the US:

National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  TTY- 1-800-787-3224 
RAINN (Rape Abuse & Incest National Network)
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (includes downloadable guides for helping women in abusive relationships)
National Alliance on Mental Illness, aka NAMI

International Resources linked here.

Your thoughts?

Empathy vs. Sympathy vs. File Not Found

When we say we want a partner to demonstrate empathy, is perhaps what we really mean  sympathy?

From Dictionary.com

em·pa·thy

1.  the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.
2.  the imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself. By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.

sym·pa·thy

1.  harmony of agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.
2.  the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion of congenial dispositions.
3. the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, especially in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.
4.  sympathies
    a.  feelings or impulses of compassion.
    b.  feelings of favor, support or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie.
5.  favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it.

The point has been made by some of my friends battling OCPD is that it's not that they necessarily lack empathy (though sometimes they do). In fact, when someone they love is hurting, they are often all knotted up inside, hurting with and for their partner, but often, none of that shows on the outside.

Spock (Photo credit: Tram Painter)

(Others do state they feel little to nothing for others inside. Mr. Spock is their role model; they take pride in working off a pure logic, no emotions model of behavior.)

It's not really fair to expect another person to be a mind-reader and to know what we need, especially if we know or suspect s/he has trouble "connecting" with emotions, let alone ours.  One spouse shared that when she is sick with a cold or the flu, what she wants is to be periodically checked on, for her partner to offer to bring her water or juice or soup or tissue. Her husband wants to be left the hell alone, just let him go to bed, close the door, and don't bother him.

So, until they actually discussed this, they were each irritating the hell out of one another. The wife felt unloved and neglected, the husband annoyed by her solicitousness.  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is an excellent rule of thumb, but sometimes it requires some fine-tuning.

Sometimes the hugs need to be coached.

 

I became very good at "coaching my hugs," communicating my needs to my (now) ex. After kissing him hello and expressing how glad I was to see him, I might specifically say to him, "I had a really miserable day at work today.  Can I bend your ear for 15 minutes and just vent? I don't need solutions, just to let off steam. And a big hug afterwards, maybe a back rub."  What I would receive might be:

a.  "Sure, can I make you a drink first while you change out of your work clothes?"* Followed by decent listening, and a hug - sometimes good, sometimes Sheldon-style. (But never, ever the back rub. Back rubs are icky.)
b.  "You think you had a hard day? Listen to this..."
c.  Allowed to begin, but interrupted five minutes into my rant by his work horror stories
d.  Interrupted by advice, "I can't believe you put up with that! You should just tell that client to stick it up their ass..."
e.  "Well, my day didn't start off very well, either, because somebody forgot to wash her cereal bowl, like I have time to clean up after other people all day long."

 *the "change out of one's work clothes" issue was a big deal to him - the idea of relaxing and eating dinner before changing clothes was unthinkable.  Now that I'm on my own, sometimes I change, and sometimes I don't, and if I spill food on my work clothes, I... wash them. What a concept!

Empathy (software) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don't think the problem, in b-d, above, was that he wasn't feeling empathy - clearly, he was emotionally connecting with my "hard day at work" meme.  But instead of giving me the sympathy and support I had asked for, he often springboarded into his own head and his own needs.

On a side note, what he never, ever initiated was negotiation:

a.  "Honey, I am hungry and grouchy - can we postpone your rant till after dinner when I can listen better?"
b.  "Yes, but can we flip a coin, winner goes first, loser goes second? Because I need to vent about my day, too."

In other posts, I've talked about the all-or-nothing, black-or-white nature of disordered thinking, how the idea that people could meet in the middle and both could get their needs met, was something he could only grasp in theory, not in practice. Either it was my way or his way, rarely our way.


One issue that has repeatedly surfaced is lack of support for partners or children of (many, not all) OCPD'rs in a health crisis emergency situation, and not simply because of differing expectations. When I was ill, or experiencing some health scares, my ex refused to come with me to my doctor's appointment, though I invited him and told him it would be extremely helpful to me.

One of my sweet friend Sid's last blog posts included this:

I had a medical procedure, and my doctor scheduled a follow-up appointment on a Thursday. A Thursday where my sister and her family would be visiting my parents' one hour south of where I live.

As I'm often wont to do, I decided to shove "all of my crap into one bag" and go into work that day, go to my follow-up appointment, take Friday off, and hop on the train to visit with my family for the weekend.

First, I look at train schedules. I have two options: Amtrak which goes straight through but the train station is a slight drive south of my folks' home, or Metrolink which is closer to their home but I'd have to change trains.

No decision: Amtrak.

Greg felt differently, however.

G:  You are SO selfish! Now your parents have to go out of their way to get you!

S:  They won't mind.

G: And Metrolink is a few dollars cheaper!

S:  Yes it is.  Could you give me a ride to the station after my doctor's appointment?

G:  Absolutely not. Not if you're taking Amtrak. So selfish, Sid.

This went on for several hours, for a train ride he wasn't taking.

In preparation for the appointment, Greg often reminds me to ask such-and-such of the doctor. I usually ask the questions and share the answers with him, but I never seem to ask it right, or enough, etc. Big point of contention for him almost every time.

S:  If you do take me to the train, you could first GO to the doctor's appointment with me and ask your questions in person. That way you'll know what was asked and exactly what the doctor said without my watering anything down.

G:  No way. NO ONE goes to their partner's doctors appointment. That's crazy.

S:  I don't know. I've seen it happen quite often, but if you're not comfortable... Just trying to get you the information first hand, Dear.

G:  I'll make a list of questions for you to ask the doctor.

S:   No thank you. If you want to control the questions you can do it in person, Sweetheart.

When I refused his question list, Greg refused to assist.  I just planned on taking a cab instead.  Must less agita.

Condensing, a bit: Another friend drove her to the train station. The porters assisted her onto and off of the train (and she ended up vomiting green bile while on the train).

But when I got off the train my mom saw a skeleton, my sister thought I was dead, and apparently I talked in circles that entire first night.

After eating that first meal, my family could see my face fill out a bit within an hour or two.

That weekend with my family, I ate, I slept, and just hung out with loved ones, feeling very safe and accepted.

Unbeknownst to me, my doctor had seen a chemical imbalance between my sodium and potassium in my bloodwork.  Sis talked to a nurse friend of hers who said that my circular discussions were consistent with that condition.

Monday, I returned to Burbank, but instead of beginning a battery of tests at appointments all week, I would admit myself to the hospital for the tests, have a sodium IV round-the-clock, and go through a diet modification and education.

When she got out of the hospital after the tests, Sid was still so weak she could barely walk even short distances. She looked like a Somalian famine victim, except for the red hair and freckles. The "support" she received from Greg while in the hospital was so draining, physically and emotionally, that she asked him to not to come back for the rest of her time there. Two months later, she was dead.  While Sidney was an adult woman, who could and should have taken better care of herself, I also believe that with a more sympathetic and supportive partner, she might still be alive.

I believe that in Sid's situation, in my similar experiences, in those of other people who have shared stories of a denial/refusal to help a loved one during a health crisis - it's not that the OCPD'r doesn't have empathy, doesn't care. So if we think we could have a better result, if only they had more empathy - maybe we're going in the wrong direction. Maybe they already have gobs of empathy, crippling amounts of empathy, but they need training/help in sympathy.

I posed this question on the free forums site: We all know (I hope) that if your spouse tells you, "Honey, I think I broke a bone; will you please drive me to the emergency room?" that The Right Thing to do is get the car keys and not argue - am I right?

Here was one reply, from someone with an OCPD spouse and mother, who suspects perhaps a bit of OCPDness in herself:

I see it as denial or deliberate self-delusion based on caring too much, rather than caring too little. My mental model of it (Note the term mental model - I'm not saying that it's an accurate reflection of anyone's thinking) is:

- It's the OCPDer's job to discover, implement, and enforce all of the rules that keep the universe spinning and keep anything bad from ever, ever happening.

- Something bad happened.

These two things are incompatible. They lead to a choice between two equally intolerable conclusions:

- Bad stuff just happens sometimes, with no way to prevent it, or

- The OCPDer committed an error in performing his job to ensure that nothing bad ever happens.

We know that the first is true. The OCPDer may logically know the same thing. But emotionally, no. To accept that is, I think, to undermine the whole underpinning for OCPD. It would be an instantaneous cure. That's not going to happen.

And the second is equally intolerable. If the OCPDer can make mistakes re: things that are desperately important, like their spouse, then the whole protective structure that they've built around themselves is utterly worthless.

So it's necessary to go on to less logical but more palatable explanations. Some possible explanations that I can see are:

- Nothing bad has actually happened; the event is just an ordinary everyday thing.

- The bad thing is not the OCPDer's fault, it's the fault of the person that it happened to.

- The OCPDer doesn't actually care about the person. Look at them, after all, how imperfect and annoying they are.

Another interesting reply to the question: We all know (I hope) that if your spouse tells you, "Honey, I think I broke a bone; will you please drive me to the emergency room?" that The Right Thing to do is get the car keys and not argue - am I right? came from someone diagnosed with and struggling with this disorder:

Yes, you're right. But you're right in a language the OCPDr, at least in my experience, doesn't grasp in practice. Intellectually, in theory, in fantasy, sure. But in taking action? That alien, otherness that I often speak of - this is the heart of it.

What happens in these situations is a system breakdown, "file not found," from what I can tell. The rest - any action the OCPD'r does actually take - is fallout, dysfunctional, nonfunctional, whatever. Shame, frustration, fear, become defensiveness, anger, blame.

Empathy & compassion flow on impulse, a word more often associated with things like fun and spontaneity. But when you think about situations calling for empathy, some being illnesses, accidents, emergencies, these are unmapped territories that a person acts on with impulse, to caretake, to help, to allow the other to heal and feel better, without concern for doing it right. I'm not talking morally here, I'm talking protocol, even where and when protocol simply doesn't apply. We impose the word moral here sometimes in regard to the OCPDr but as I have before, I disagree with that. OCPD'rs work with plans and maps and protocol, those sorts of sanctioned "right" ways. But no two situations like these are alike, even if an illness repeats, or some detail may be similar, there are so many x factors that each one is completely unknown and uncharted. There's literally no conduit for the empathy to flow from.

Now, if a situation does repeat closely enough, or I've observed someone else taking the exact same action that's called for - I may do fine. If my brain detects a match, inside what happens is "aha, I know this one. I can do this one." Break a second bone a week later and I'll drive you to the ER without hesitation, so long as there's a clean & clear view of action to be taken.

sympathy doll (Photo credit: brendaj)

So, IMO, it's not that those with this disorder lack empathy - but they lack sympathy. They can't express what they feel in a way that is helpful to you. Much like a computer given a command it doesn't recognize, you'll get: File Not Found.  Maybe the average person doesn't need a script, doesn't need to be coached in the appropriate length of a hug, or not to argue with a partner who needs a ride to the hospital or a train station, but those with this and similar disorders do.

To expect them to "exceed their programming limitations" in times of crisis is akin to expecting your bird to start catching mice.


The problem is that when you as the partner are experiencing the heart attack, broken bone, or life-threatening illness, you may not have the time or patience to clearly and calmly help your partner or parent through their meltdown over your health crisis.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Don't Be Pressured Into Disavowing Your Own Feelings and Preferences

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 4 - Don't Be Pressured into Disavowing Your Own Feelings and Preferences from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If  you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

4 - Don't Be Pressured into Disavowing Your Own Feelings and Preferences

Even if you can't win a debate demonstrating the superiority of your position, you are still entitled to your own view. You should feel free to assert that right.

Unless you're equally obsessive, you're probably no match for an obsessive in an argument. Obsessives spend their lives analyzing things; they're experts at it. But just because a course of action seems to be more efficient, practical, or logical to him or her, you still don't have to choose it. Don't be shamed or bullied into doing so. <snip>

<snip> If something truly conflicts with your values (e.g., a disagreement about how to handle your children, or some other important matter), listen to his arguments and think it over when you're alone. Then figure out what your position is, and reopen the discussion. Don't give in just to silence him or her. Don't be afraid to ask for time to think it over.

***

One of the biggest issues I had with my ex was him not being able to accept that we were different people, in different skins. When, in his opinion, there was no REASON for me to feel cold, he became highly offended when I felt cold, anyway.  Obviously I was just doing it to piss him off. I tried for two years to think myself warm, before deciding, "Screw this, I'm putting another blanket on my side of the bed."  After that I probably got an extra hour's sleep each night, which I badly needed, instead of lying in bed, too cold to fall asleep.

Chick Corea & Return to Forever via last.fm

We had many common interests and beliefs, but sometimes we diverged. We went to a Return to Forever concert. For him, it was like Jesus and the Beatles rolled into one concert. And I was delighted - for him, that he enjoyed it so. For me, meh. Parts of it I enjoyed, and I could appreciate the level of artistry and musicianship, but it wasn't my kind of music.  Again, he tried very hard to talk me into liking it more on the drive home.  He couldn't let it be that we could have different thoughts, feelings and tastes. He frequently claimed he could tell exactly what I thought and felt - and he was almost always wrong.

One of my friends related a story that once with her partner, they were discussing a favorite restaurant, and he was recalling how much she liked some particular dish. She gently corrected him, "It wasn't terrible, but actually, honey, I didn't care for it that much, and I wouldn't order it again for myself." This turned into a twenty-five minute harangue where he tried to convince her she really loved that dish, after all.

Is it worth fighting about for twenty-five minutes whether or not you loved the veal (or whatever it was)? Of course not. The best thing is to end the conversation, "Guess we'll have to agree to differ," and walk away if you have to.

If you simply cave in to avoid a fight, you're enabling the distorted thinking and boundary violation, plus you may be shivering in your bed, cold and resentful.  If you love someone with this condition, it is vital that s/he come to accept that you ARE different people, that you can have different tastes and preferences, and still the world will go on spinning.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Living With the Obsessive

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Living with the Obsessive
Living with an obsessive can be challenging. Although I've mostly been describing how their behavior causes them to suffer, it can be equally painful to be on the receiving end of such traits as the following:

Pickiness: You feel as if you can never do anything right. You may begin to wonder if the critical obsessive likes anything about you.

Demand-resistance: You often can't obtain the simple cooperation that oils the wheels of daily living.

Guardedness: You may never feel as if you really know the obsessive, or achieve a sense of intimacy with him. In the face of his or her aloofness, you may (mistakenly) feel unloved.

Rigidity: You can never count on obsessives to accept even minor changes. Instead, they're likely to be annoyed whenever you do something a little differently. And once they make up their mind about something, it's practically impossible to persuade them to change it.

Excessive orderliness: You may be made to feel guilty if you don't share the same level of orderliness. If they insist you meet their standard for neatness, this many put you under a lot of pressure, creating resentment on your part, or a sense of oppression.

Infallibility: You can never win an argument with an obsessive, or point out any errors. So you may chronically get the message that you're wrong.

Workaholism: You may resent how little time and energy the other person devotes to your relationship. His or her chronic absence or preoccupation may make you feel unimportant.

Indecisiveness or inability to commit: You may be unable to make plans because of his or her waffling; you may be unsure where your relationship stands.

If you have an obsessive spouse, friend, co-worker, or relative, you may have only one of these complaints or all of them, or you may have others I haven't listed. <snip>

***

I had all of these, in my relationship with my ex. Plus hoarding issues, which used to be included with OCPD, and will now have its very own category in the upcoming DSM-V.

At the beginning, most of these issues were hidden, or masked by the happy, "we're in love" hormones coursing through both of us. Yes, he was extremely neat and particular about his person, but I liked that, because so many men can be slobs in that area.

I don't believe he was deliberately trying to deceive me. And stars know I have plenty of my own faults. Problem was, he never let me forget any of them, but constantly pointed them out, until I did, indeed, wonder what he had ever liked about me in the first place.

He was super-guarded about his own inner feelings - those were not to be shared. I had always thought a relationship was about two people who trusted each other with their weaknesses, and helped each other. He tried never to let me see a weakness, and turned mine against me.

Now, as far as I could tell, my ex was at the very extreme end of being a Perfectionist Personality. There's a test called a Cammer, not widely used, but which is one way to rate how compulsive a person is.  I tried to trick my ex into taking it - I got him to take the first 8-9 questions, to which he rated himself 4's on all of them, and felt those were the Right Answers, then he got pissy and stopped. I tried answering for him on repeated occasions, hoping perhaps I had been too judgmental, but the lowest I could ever rate him was a 93, and mostly I rated him as a 95/96 (out of 100).

I now don't believe a "non" can have even a relatively tolerable relationship, long-term, with a severely obsessive person, unless that person is:

1. aware of the issue, and that it is his/her issue, not the partner's, and
2. working very hard to combat his/her perfectionist behaviors, ideally with professional help

Not all people are as severe as my ex seemed to be. His behavior was not improved by excessive drinking, either. YMMV. (Your Mileage May Vary.)

But the first step, if you are involved with such a person, is understanding, despite being told it's your fault, over and over again, that it is not your fault. It's an actual, diagnosable mental illness, and while your partner may not be to blame, either, you cannot fix him/her. What you can do is learn about the condition, learn some coping techniques, and later, re-evaluate as to whether this is the way you are willing to live.

Do you recognize the above behaviors?
Which ones are hardest for you to live with?

Your thoughts?

This Time It's Personal

Right around the time I was leaving my OCPD ex, and voraciously reading everything I could on OCPD and hoarding, I came upon an interesting website called My Mother In Law Is Still Sitting Between Us. In it the author chronicled her boyfriend's efforts to clean out the hoarding house of his mother, who'd recently passed away.

Besides the train-wreck fascination of the pictures, the writing! Snappy, funny, insightful, and never mean-spirited or nasty. I fell in serious girl crush. And after finding that the author lived next door, so to speak, I got in touch with her. Once I convinced Sid I was not a crazy stalker-person, we did meet, and became good friends. I lured her into joining my writers critique group. Her voice and ideas were good for our group, and getting out of the house and talking about writing was good for her.  I frequently commented on her blog, and she was a frequent commenter here.

Her boyfriend is also OCPD, and the unhappy relationship dynamics that so many experience, that *I* experienced, were also part of her experience. He was a drinker/she was a drinker, even after it began to create serious health problems for her. She cut back.

Still, the relationship was eating her up on the inside, especially when, over two years into the clean-up process of the hoarding house, there was no end in sight. And of course, he could neither give it up nor hire someone to help. I tried to support Sid, as best I could, without pushing or telling her what to do.

It frustrated me to watch her spirit get eroded over time, drip, drip, drip, but still, it wasn't MY job to save her. She did have a supportive family. And Sid was the stubborn kind of person who needed to do things in her own way, in her own time. So mostly, I was the listening ear who understood, and who told her what a great person she was.

One of my online friends has pointed many to an excellent book called, "When the Body Says No," about the damaging health effects that accumulated stress may have on a person. See, sometimes if WE don't learn to say no, the body says it for us, by getting sick.  Or we swallow our feelings with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, shopping...

Sid was the kind of caregiving person who poured herself out for others.  She took pride in being STRONG, not asking for help, but giving it to others. She blogged and worked part time and was active in Children of Hoarders. She co-founded a local group called SoCalLady Bloggers. On October 8 she appeared as part of this streaming video chat on hoarding on Huffington Post.



Her ex was not and is not a bad person. In his own way, Greg, too, is heartbroken. He was the reason she was found, still clinging to life, after she missed a scheduled meeting with him and he would not let it go. I am very grateful that her parents and I got to say goodbye to her when she was still technically breathing, rather than after lying dead in her apartment for days. But his own overwhelming anxieties did not allow him to SEE how sick she was, or to help her in any meaningful way.  As she described here when she was going to visit her parents, very sick, and he got hung up on the cheapest train fare.

After another hospitalization this summer following that train trip, during which the b-f was anxious, bossy, "knew" more about what she needed to do than the doctors, and demanded attention and energy she simply didn't have left in her to give him, she realized that though she still loved him deeply, if she stayed with him, it would literally kill her. She'd already been making emotional plans to leave; her parents helped her out financially, and she moved into her own place a month ago.

Sid was SO happy in her new place. She could eat, walk, work on the computer, and breathe, without being criticized. She was so proud, showing off her new place - which had been IMMEDIATELY unpacked, no boxes hanging around for her! She showed me her cool rooftop patio and talked about having a party up there, excited, because her ex never wanted to have people over. She still loved him, and they were friendly, trying to work out the sale of their house amicably. She was taking her meds and NOT drinking and working hard to regain the weight she'd lost during the summer, but she was still so frail...

The damage to her body was too great, her remaining physical resources too low. She had a heart attack just a week ago due to the chemical imbalance in her body, and then another, in the hospital. No alcohol found in her system.

Last Monday I sat with her parents and her ex, in the hospital. Both before and after they turned off the respirator.  Today is her "Celebration of Life."

She was beautiful and vibrant and funny and 43 years old.

I am angry and heartbroken. This did NOT have to happen. For all of you still with a disordered partner - I am not telling or urging you to leave.  Only you can make that call, if or when it is right for you. But please, please, PLEASE, do not pour yourself out entirely for your partner and other people, until there is not enough left for your own body or soul. It may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but learn to put yourself FIRST.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - The Drive of Demand-Sensitivity, Thinkaholism, and Orderliness

This post continues with The Driving Forces: The DRIVE OF DEMAND-SENSITIVITY, THINKAHOLISM, AND ORDERLINESS from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

THE DRIVE OF DEMAND-SENSITIVITY, THINKAHOLISM, AND ORDERLINESS

As I discussed in chapter 5, obsessives tend to be acutely sensitive to both explicit and unspoken obligations. This heightened sensitivity can make one's work load heavier than that of a less demand-sensitive person. For example, when Mona's boss began working weekends, Mona felt compelled to join him in the office for at least a few hours. "He never once asked me to come in," she said. "But somehow I got the feeling that he really did think I should help out."

Thinkaholism can exert a different kind of pressure on those already overburdened individuals. Work provides rich fodder for the obsessive's tendency to dwell on problems. At the end of the day or the end of the week, many workaholics find it hard to shift their thoughts and attention away from their jobs, and as a result they may be preoccupied and "not fully present" with loved ones or in leisure activities.

Yet another contributor to workaholism can be the obsessive's need for orderliness. Work organizes one's time, it imposes an order upon existence. I can't count the number of obsessives who have told me that while work is hard, they prefer it to the uncertainty or unstructured time. At least, when they have tasks laid out before them, they can enjoy a sense of movement and virtuous productivity as they dispatch them. Orderliness many also increase their work load if it drives them to spend a lot of time on such activities as cleaning, organizing, and straightening their desks. Or they may feel compelled to stay late, until all the "loose ends" have been attended to.

***

Work is structured. Work is competitive. Work can offer measurable results, unlike, say, child care or housework - you might have just changed a diaper or wiped a runny nose, but you'll have to keep on changing those diapers or wiping noses. You can wash a floor, and people will track in more dirt, pet hair, etc., usually within minutes.

Whereas if you finish writing a report, or filing a stack of bills, or building a house, once it's done, it's DONE. (Of course, there will be other reports to write, others bills to file, other houses to build...)  Paying work is more tangible than "hanging out" with family and friends.  If you don't want to go home, you will always find "loose ends" at work to keep you from doing so.

I just got back from a conference (hence the late post, and no pictures) and though it was certainly very fun, it was also WORK. It was workshops and networking and "building relationships," even during meals and drinks at the bar.

As a society, we support, rather than discourage workaholism. We give validation and praise to the "hard workers" and the people with the spotlessly clean desks. When someone brags/complains about working 60-70 hour weeks, we don't roll our eyes and say, "Wow, sounds like your life is really out of balance."

But maybe we should.

Do you spend a lot of time at work "straightening"?
Does your brain stay at work even when it's time to be with family?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesday - Chap 9 - The Hidden Workaholic

This post continues with The Hidden Workaholic from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

The Hidden Workaholic

Many obsessives are also "driven" in their spare time. They often feel compelled to use all their time productively. They're usually armed with lists of "things to do." and they're much more apt to fret about the items left undone that to savor the accomplishments of those they've checked off. They shudder at the thought of wasting time. Even in their "free" time, they feel they should be working on chores, projects, or other productive or educational tasks.

"I never relax," Therese told me unhappily. "There's always something to do. I either have to clean the house, pay bills, or something. And if I do take time off, I start to feel like I'm neglecting something. I feel lazy, and in my mind that's reprehensible."

<snip> Although Therese worked only a "normal forty-hour" week, I would call her a "hidden workaholic." A similar drive to be productive at all times can even be found in those who are not formally employed. Claire, for instance, is a forty-eight-year-old homemaker who seems to be in constant motion. Every day she devotes many hours to housekeeping and maintenance, and she continues to practice such vanishing arts as baking pies, drying laundry on an outdoors clothesline, and raising herbs and flowers, which she then dries and mounts. As her three children grew up, Claire became more and more involved with community service organizations, and such volunteer work now consumes at least part of every day. While Claire will occasionally take a break to chat with one of her neighbors, she inevitably excuses herself to get back to her "messy house" or her long list of chores. Her brisk pace continues into each evening until she runs out of hours and reluctantly leaves tasks for the next day. She makes it sound as if she's always behind, and isn't quite measuring up to her own strict standards.

***

One thing that happens not infrequently with disordered people is they project their own traits/feelings/flaws onto their partners. Therefore, I found myself frequently being accused of "not being able to relax, always having to be doing something."

Now, it's true that I do have a busy life. I work full time, and in my time off, I have to do all the normal chores that people do: housework, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. Writing is also important to me; I usually spend a couple of hours every day writing or blogging something.

To relax, I like to read, or work on craft projects, or hang out with friends. My ex liked to watch movies; he wanted me to watch with him, but if I wanted to craft during the movie (especially one that didn't interest me much) he pointed to it as a sign that I "didn't know how to relax." (Mind you, during movies, he always sat stiffly apart from me - no snuggling or holding hands - and usually chain smoked. Ugh.)

English: Liquid hand soap in a pump dispenser, next to a larger refill-sized bottle of the same soap. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

He had no day job, so he was the super-housekeeper, like Claire. (All I did was the grocery shopping, the vacuuming, the dusting, cleaning the bathroom, the catbox, and the dinner dishes - or in his words, I did nothing around the house.) Much of what he did was churning - for example, it was very important - to him - to keep the liquid hand soap dispensers filled, so he was constantly checking their level, and carefully bringing them up to full. He would spend hours on food prep - not the actual slicing of vegetables, say, but planning the meal, getting out the pots and pans and cooking utensils, arranging them on the counter just so. At first, I found this touching, it seemed to me that he was knocking himself out to make our dinners perfect, for me, until my therapist gently pointed out that this was something he did because he was disordered, and he couldn't help himself.


I have come to see that busy-ness is a way of hiding from and controlling life. Any time there is something unpleasant or emotionally challenging to be done (clearing out some of the hoard in the garage, say), being busy doing something else is a great excuse not to tackle it.

He always complained of being horrendously busy - too busy to spend time with friends, to spend a weekend morning lounging in bed and making love, too busy to play music. All too often when I would suggest doing something fun, I would get the dirty look and the "Obviously, you don't understand how much there is to do around this place," or the "I don't have time to goof off like some people do."

Yet I was the one who didn't know how to relax? Right.

Do you know a hidden workaholic?
Have you seen someone who makes out as if s/he
is totally burdened by housework or gardening?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesday - Chap 9 - When the Workaholic Can't Work & Workaholics and Denial

Workaholics the Comedy Central Show - hilarious
Workaholics in person - not so much fun

This post continues with When the Workaholic Can't Work and Workaholics and Denial from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

WHEN THE WORKAHOLIC CAN'T WORK

When outside forces threaten to prevent them from working, some workaholics to to ludicrous lengths to overcome the impediment. <snip>

If he is actually prevented from working - by illness or a job loss, or by a work block such as those we discussed earlier - then the obsessive's level or anxiety is almost certain to increase and his self-image to suffer. For many obsessive workaholics, their sense of identity depends far too much on their professional role, and if they're seen as anything less than outstanding in their chosen field, they may feel as if they're nothing. A serious depression may ensue.

WORKAHOLICS AND DENIAL

Some of my workaholic patients acknowledge that they set their own frenetic pace. But I more commonly hear a different refrain: "I'm not a workaholic! I wish I had more free time, but I feel overwhelmed by all that I have to do." Like the immigrant seamstress, these people claim that they "have to" work as much as they do because they'll lose their jobs if they don't. Of their clients need them. Or they've got to take advantage of a particular economic or professional opportunity. Is this sort of person a workaholic?

That isn't always immediately apparent. <snip>

Sometimes people have virtually no choice but to yield to unusual work pressues for a limited time period. I think of the software engineer who must put in eighty hours a weeks during the final stage of debugging a major project, or the magazine editor who works twenty hour days when the monthly deadline draws close.

Jeffrey, for instance, grumbled constantly about all he had to do as editor of a weekly newspaper.  <snip>

In fact his boss eventually became so concerned about the possibility of his star employee's burning out that he worked out a plan under which Jeffrey didn't have to come into the office on Tuesdays, the slowest day of the wee. The boss further insisted that he wasn't to work at home on those days, but was to read, relax, and recuperate. Instead of leaping at this offer, however, Jeffrey pointed out all the things that wouldn't get done, or wouldn't be done well enough, if he took this day off. Eventually he did yield, but within a few months he had reverted to scheduling at least a few hours of work on his mandatory "free day." Contrary to his words, Jeffrey demonstrated that he, not his boss, was his toughest taskmaster.

In one obsessive patient after another, I've seen a similar pattern. The complain about the amount of time their work consumes, and the unremitting pressure under which they live. They talk about their demanding bosses, their need for financial security, the pressure to provide their families with a comfortable lifestyle. But in fact, when I go through the schedules of such "overworked" patients, I invariable see areas in which they could change without impairing their efficiency. When I suggest specific cutbacks, however, I am usually bombarded with justifications for every single commitment. The bottom line for the denying workaholic is that he cannot cut out anything. Or so he insists.

***

I've lost a couple three jobs, due to financial downturns in the economy, and once because of somewhat crazy/alcoholic supervisor (I ended up getting a workers' comp settlement.) Regardless of why, even if it's not your fault, it's always depressing to lose a job. If someone is OCPD and has been fired (at least in part) because s/he can't get along with anybody, that's got to be pretty depressing, too. Recently someone shared this story:

I had a go at my supervisor on Friday. I'll face the music tomorrow. Dreading going back to work. Made quite a scene - said she was crap in front of all my work colleagues and then stormed off 'f'ing and blinding. All over my version of work priorities not being the same as others. My set of rules have become an obsession and I've been stressed out that other are not pulling their weight and have the wrong set of priorities at work. I just can't work in a team anymore.

This person never did check in and let us know what went down on Monday, but I can imagine his supervisor was Not Pleased. He may well have been let go, and now is hating life, and himself. I truly hope he got the help he needs.


Keep in mind, there is being depressed, and there is being Depressed.

from Hyperbole and a Half Adventures in Depression

When you are Depressed, or even suspect you might be - even if you have a good excuse reason to be sad, like losing a loved one or your job - please, Go Get Help. You wouldn't try to move a piano by picking it up and carrying by yourself, would you?

On Being in Denial

Bosses don't take kindly to employees telling them they're crap (especially if there's some truth in it). Nor do they appreciate an employee pissing and moaning all the time about how terribly, terribly overworked they are. Can you imagine being Jeffrey's boss, making a special effort to arrange the schedule to give the guy a day off, and shortly he's back to the full court press (and probably whining about it)? Bosses are human too (or least, that's the rumor), and if I was Jeffrey's boss, I would be thinking, if not saying, "ungrateful lout," as he ramped up his schedule again.

My ex would frequently recount stories of how his boss wanted him to do XX amount of work, but he always put in extra time/effort, because what the boss wanted wasn't good enough. So he took it upon himself to continue to work at the task however long it took him, regardless of whether his boss wanted him to wrap it up and move to something else.  I have a feeling if the company hadn't been sold he would have gotten fired eventually anyway.

There's kind of a patting oneself-on-the-back self-complimenting quality to being a workaholic. See, I'm worthy, I kill myself for my job, I'm sooooo much better than those lazy people over there.

Does anyone ever reach their deathbed and wish they'd spent more time at work and less with their family?

Do you know someone who gets cabin fever if s/he can't get to work?
Or who blames other people for a grueling schedule
of his/her own making?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 8 - Mental Orderliness & Rigidity

The Matrix via Wikimedia

This post continues with Mental Orderliness and Rigidity from Chapter Eight.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

MENTAL ORDERLINESS AND RIGIDITY

Another kind of orderliness that applies to the obsessive person is a sort of mental neatness. Despite their boundless capacity for doubt, most obsessives crave an unambiguous "ordering" of their various life experiences. They yearn for a clear comprehension of things; life's ambiguities make them uncomfortable and impatient. Some feel unsettled of even annoyed if they don't completely understand every detail of a movie or lecture, focusing on that to the exclusion of the other, more enjoyable aspects. Many are more at ease reading a biography or a technical book than something more abstract, like poetry. Obsessives' friends and spouses often refer to them as "analytical."

As with other aspects or orderliness, the capacity for mental organization - sorting packages of data into the categories where they "belong" - has obvious survival value. But equally essential to navigating effectively through life is the ability to change one's ideas and opinions when conditions change or new information becomes available. And this is where many obsessives have difficulty. They are hobbled by a mental rigidity that makes it hard for them to revise their thoughts and opinions even when it would serve them better to do so.

<snip>I had this conversation with Harold, a forty-seven year old postal inspector, who one day declared," I avoid New Yorkers. I can't stand them."

"What is it that you don't like?" I asked.
"They arrogant, pushy, insensitive. My cousin Jim is a good example."
"But didn't you tell me that your friend Fred is also from New York?"
"Yes. So?"
"You said that you liked him very much, that he's kind and sensitive."
"He is!"
"So some New Yorkers aren't so bad?"
"But they're so damned arrogant and aggressive."

Conversation with such a person can be frustrating. When I talk to Harold, I often have the sense that he's simply not listening to me. And in a sense, he's not, because to truly hear my point of view would threaten him. Even when he has a hunch that his understanding of a given topic may be inaccurate, he resists considering any other viewpoint. First, acknowledging the merits of the other viewpoint might look too much like an admission of error, and would give others the idea that he was unsure of himself. Or what if he wasn't capable of understanding the newer viewpoint? And even if he did understand it and agree with it, he might be unable to integrate it without having to change his whole belief system - a system that he depends on for a sense of calm and control.

Even when the subject in question isn't very significant (e.g., his feelings about New Yorkers), it's symbolically important. Having a solid understanding of things buttresses his illusion of control. In a way, to comprehend life is to be in control of it. If, on the other hand, his ideas in some small matter need revision, where will it end? Which other pat ideas are flawed? Are there any that aren't? Mentally rigid obsessives have an underlying fear that they're on the verge of spinning out of control, with nothing to hold on to.

<snip>"If Bill says he's going to roast a chicken for dinner, and then he instead surprises me with lasagna, it's likely to drive me up a wall. It's not that I don't like lasagna. I do. But I was counting on having the chicken. I feel so disappointed, and even angry that I won't get what I was expecting."

Carrying through with what one had anticipated becomes a strong motivator, even when the situation warrants changing one's plans. Jill said, "If I decide to spend Sunday afternoon working on minor chores, and on Sunday morning I get a call from friends, inviting me out, more often than not my immediate reaction is to say I'm already busy and beg off. I may feel sad that I'm missing out on the fun, but once I've set my course, it's very hard to change it."

***

After I saw The Matrix, and read this chapter (not sure which came first), I realized that this, indeed, is much like my ex behaved/believed. Every change in thinking or belief was dangerous. The original idea or concept MUST be clung to, lest the world begin spinning and hurl him violently off. (Although like President Obama, he has "evolved" over the past ten years to the position that allowing gays to marry is simply about being fair.)

via Wikimedia Commons

We all have our pet ideas and notions. The key is the rigidity, like the guy, above, who could not accept the idea that some New Yorkers are nice people - even though he knew one. When we learn that something we always believed might not be true, are we terror-stricken and determined to cling to our original theory, or are we willing to explore the idea we might be wrong?

Like the examples in Too Perfect, my ex would have a meltdown over lasagna vs. chicken issues, and would frequently decline invitations because he was "too busy," even though his busyness (read, churning) could be carried out at any time.  (He has no "day job.")

Hard bitten racists, religious (and atheistic) extremists, political factionism - it not only hurts individuals and individual families, but it does our society harm for members to be locked into black-or-white thinking and mental rigidity. Sometimes we don't need to know all the answers (which is good, because no human could know them all anyway).

Have a story you feel safe sharing?

Your thoughts?

A-Z: Xcess - That Invisible Dividing Line from Quirky to Crazy

How do we tell when somebody has crossed the line from quirky to crazy? That's part of the problem, because many symptoms of mental illness actually look quite admirable - in smaller doses.

The key is Xcess and Xtreme. (Getting a bit creative with the spelling here, so what.) Take someone who is bipolar. During a more low key manic cycle, she may be animated, creative, fun to be around. Then perhaps a little down and sad. During an extreme cycle, she may want the entire family to join her in painting the kitchen - at 2:00 a.m. Or be unable to drag herself out of bed for days at a time.

Cleanliness, admirable. Sterilizing kitchens and bathrooms like a hazmat team, not so much.

Being an ardent recycler and repurposer, great. Having an endless collection of boxes, pen lids, and food containers... hoarder.

From  My Mother In law is Still Siting Between Us... Randomness (7/29/10). All pictures used by permission.

Pen lids

Hundreds and hundreds of crosswords, cut out, dated (aren't they already?), and meticulously labeled. She had a note on each, about whether or not she had checked the answers, and a list of the numbers (6 across, 17 down) which she hadn't yet checked. Some of these date back to '89.

Crossword puzzles

 

Empty See's candy boxes - apparently, one can never have too many.

Burned out light bulbs, with notes as to the date each burned out, and the fixture.

What's so bad about keeping some useless junk? Nothing, if it stops at a small stash of empty boxes or burned out light bulbs.  But too often, it crosses the line to this:

The Kitchen

Inside the fridge

Yeah. Horrifying, isn't it? The tragic thing, for adult children of hoarders, is that even when their parents "maintain" a home in conditions like this (or worse), there are legally no options to force them to get the help they so clearly need. It's a matter of having to wait until they die, and then...cleaning the Augean Stables. Only there's usually not a handy river nearby.

Other areas where a line gets crossed:

Having a close personal relationship with God/Jesus/Allah, perhaps even believing that He speaks to you... harmless, perhaps even helpful. Hearing the Voice of God/Jesus/Allah telling you to kill your children/congresspeople... dangerous.

With OCPD, in moderation, there are many wonderful qualities. They're usually very tidy and timely, give great attention to detail, and truly care very deeply about people they love.  There's a great blog written by an OCPD'r I know on the subject, The Gift of OCPD.

We would have many fewer inventions and modern conveniences that we take for granted, were it not for people with Aspergers, OCPD, and many other mental illnesses. Peter Roget (Roget's Thesaurus) probably had OCPD. Steve Jobs may have had it. When OCPD symptoms become extreme, however, they are devastating to both those who have the condition, and those who live with and love them.

The line is where the "quirks" become either harmful or dangerous, to oneself or others. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible for the person with the mental illness, or someone who has lived with him/her for a long time and perhaps become desensitized to odd behavior, to determine when the line has been crossed. Or what to do if it has.

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Have you ever had quirks that went to extremes?

If so, how did you recognize it, and what did you do?

Have you ever lived with someone who seemed to go "too far"?

A-Z: Work on Yourself

from styledip.com

When we're in a relationship with a person with a mental illness, we want them to "go get fixed." Am I right?

Here was my personal progression, when my OCPD ex and I moved in together.

1) We're having a very rough transition into this living together business. Surely things will settle down in a few months. After all, I know we love each other deeply.

2) He's having a rough time, but after all, he did just recently lose his parents. He has the right to grieve; I should just be loving and supportive, and with enough time and love on my part, he'll get over it.

3) Self doubt. This is a nightmare. Maybe everything is my fault. Maybe I just don't try hard enough, love enough, give enough. I don't know how I could give/try/love more, but I should find a way.

Or maybe I should just give up, now. *fantasies of slitting my wrists, letting all the blood and pain drain into the sink*

from Unwanted Advice

4) There is something wrong with him. It's not me - or at least, it's not ALL me.

5) Oh! It's OCPD. Now all I have to do is let him in on it, in the Right Way, and he will be eager to get counseling, because I know he deeply loves me, as much as I love him. We will be able to fix this problem and live happily ever after.

6) I join a couple of OCPD support boards, to get the info on the exact Right Way to broach the subject. Because all I need are the magic words, he will have a Light Bulb Moment, and go get himself fixed.

7) Okay, so the Big Reveal isn't a good idea. Still, this is a mental illness. I wouldn't run out on a partner with diabetes or a heart condition, right? If I am loving enough and caring enough, and broach it in exactly the right way, he'll be willing to go get fixed. Maybe I can talk him into getting joint counseling...

8) A year into my individual counseling, and he still isn't willing to even talk to my counselor. Not even though I beg him, as a way of helping me.

9) I realize can't "save" him. I don't doubt, for an instant he loves me, as much and as deeply as he has ever loved anyone. I love him so much it makes my heart ache, but I can't save him. In fact, everything I do is probably enabling his disorder and making him worse. (Two years now after I left, and I still weep as I type these words.)

10) After a fight that is no worse than others, yet which served, for me, as the last straw on the camel's back, I moved out. Began focusing on me, on my pitifully weak boundaries, on figuring out who I am and what I want.

from Brandozin's Weblog

Your path and your journey are undoubtedly different. Yet here is the reality.

We can't save other people 
unless they want to be saved.

I didn't understand that. When I joined the support boards, in the beginning, I was sure there was some magic word/key/answer they were selfishly withholding from me. Or that, perhaps, only I was smart enough to figure out. (Hello, ego!) I would figure out what it was and share it with everyone and I would be acclaimed as this brilliant OCPD monster-slayer.

When everyone kept advising me to "work on yourself," I thought they were smoking crack. "Hello, he is the one with the problem. Just tell me how to convince him that he needs to get fixed, that's what I'm looking for."

I felt like I was asking, "What's 2 + 2?" and I was being answered, "Tangerines and corduroy, with a  splash of Chanel No. 5."  Really, WTF?

The reality of dealing with a loved one with mental illness, is there is nothing an outsider can do to reach inside those distorted thoughts and neurotransmitter imbalances to "fix it" for them. We cannot control other people. What we can do is to take a look at ourselves - our own thoughts, our own behaviors, our own automatic reactions.

Sometimes, when we address our own behaviors, erect the kinds of healthy boundaries we need for our own sake, there will be a dramatic shift in the way the disordered person behaves.

Sometimes, this will serve as what my OCPD friend LizaJane calls "getting hit in the head with the cosmic 2 x 4" and spur the person with a mental disorder to seek or accept help, and change.

Sometimes, it will not.

One thing is certain. We cannot control, fix, help, adjust, or otherwise move a person who is disordered or troubled when we ourselves are not "coming from" a place of stability and mental healthiness. We just can't. It's like seeing someone drowning and jumping in after them. without a life preserver or even being able to swim, ourselves.

We really and truly have to work on ourselves first. Put on our own oxygen mask first, and all that jazz.

I get it now. They were not smoking crack when they said, "Tangerines and corduroy, with a splash of Chanel No. 5."

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Have you ever experienced the
"Work on your own issues first" directive?

How did you react?

What did you learn?