Too Perfect Tuesday - Chap 9 - Chronic Leisure-Deprivation

Grand Canyon, North Rim - view of Cape Final.
Only four miles round trip but in the altitude it kicked my butt!

This post continues with CHRONIC LEISURE-DEPRIVATION from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

CHRONIC LEISURE-DEPRIVATION
By definition, workaholics don't have much free time, and chronic leisure-deprivation in itself may cause both psychological and physiological damage. Among the varied medical ailments attributed to overwork are fatigue, irritability, sleep disturbances, difficult in concentrating, depression, gastrointestinal malfunctions, coronary disease, hypertension, headaches, and muscle spasms.

<snip> Of course, burnout afflicts both those who are forced by circumstances into overworking, and those who are psychologically driven to work all the time. But of the two groups, overly driven obsessives are less likely to be able to enjoy whatever small amounts of leisure time they do have. <snip>

Other workaholics might cook elaborate dinners or take on complex home-improvement projects. Such laborious "play" can be truly pleasurable, but it's also very common for demand-sensitivity insidiously to drain the fun out of freely chosen leisure activities, making them feel like things that should or even must be done - in other words, like simply more work.

<snip> Caroline, the marketing director for a large clothing company, one day described her feelings about spending time with her baby and preschooler on the weekends.

"I love my children more than anything else in the world, and I don't have that much time with them during the week. Yet I find it very hard to spend completely unstructured time with them. Half the time I devise activities for us: we go somewhere or we undertake some project. About the only way I can force myself to just hang out with them and play spontaneously is by telling myself that it's my 'job' as a good mother to do that. And then it's okay. But it's sad that I can't fully surrender myself to their world."

<snip" Danielle was a perfectionistic workaholic who used her vacations to travel extensively; once on the road, she was a relentless sightseer. If she wasn't out the door and heading for a museum by nine in the morning, she became tense; should a vacation end before she had hit all the "things to see" in her guidebooks, she felt cheated and unhappy. These underlying tensions burst into full bloom when she started to travel with her boyfriend, Jack, who took the view that touring should be leavened with long mornings in bed and lazy breakfasts spent with coffee and local papers. <snip> to my surprise, I found that I actually sort of preferred this schedule. I began to think, 'Maybe there hasn't been something wrong with Jack. Maybe it's wrong with me.' And I just started to enjoy relaxing and hanging out more. Since then, I've made the conscious decision that I don't have to see everything while traveling. I've learned to prioritize and try to see just the best."

***

Mickey greeting guests at Disneyland Park
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No matter how minutely or how well you plan things - other "stuff" is going to happen, too. Sometimes much better "stuff" than you could have planned. I remember taking my son to Disneyland (a not particularly cheap day trip, FYI, if you've never visited) when he was about three. I wanted to schlep him to this ride and that ride, to get his picture taken with Mickey Mouse, and all that. And he wanted to sit on the benches behind Dumbo and watch through a gap in the hedges at "Casey Jr." the miniature circus train go by.

OMG, I wasn't getting my money's worth! Then I realized, I was, because the point of the trip was for us to have a good time together, for my child to have a good time at Disneyland, and he did. (Even though by the time he was ready to move on, after over an hour of train-watching, I was bored out of my gourd.)

A few years ago my ex and I went to the Grand Canyon, and yes, we had a fair amount plotted out in advance, because we had to (accommodations and so forth). But while I was there I picked up several books about the Grand Canyon, and I'm pretty sure Harvey Butchart, subject of Elias Butler & Tom Myers' book: Grand Obsession: Harvey Butchart and the Exploration of Grand Canyon, was at least somewhat OCPD. The man spent decades hiking and rafting in the Grand Canyon, virtually abandoning his family for weeks and months in order to cross another summit climb or canyon map off his list.

A self-described perfectionist, Harvey constantly assessed his hikes in terms of time and distance. Companions remember him as a man absolutely preoccupied with his watch - how long it took to hike from point a to point b, how this compared to the last time he had been across the same piece of ground, how long he could go before having to turn around, etc. <snip>

Susan Billingsley, a former river guide who first came to Grand Canyon in the 1960's, explained," I didn't do that much hiking with Harvey but I never particularly wanted to. Because he didn't hike, I don't think, for the beauty or anything else, he hiked to get to a certain point. You'd go look at his slides and they would be of the route, you know, there was never a beautiful slide of the Canyon, or who was with him, just - the route. He was so focused on that. He'd just get up in the morning and eat in his sleeping bag, and then get up and hike all day, and get in his sleeping bag and eat and go to sleep."

Grand Canyon. For myself, the constant beauty left me breathless and awestruck

Butchart, a mathematics professor, covered over 12,000 miles, made hundreds of maps and had a few books published on the subject. He was extremely competitive though he did enjoy exchanging letters with others who shared the same interest. It wasn't a spiritual experience, or about drinking in the sights. For him, it was all about plotting the hike or the trip, getting there as quickly and efficiently as possible, then turning around and getting back as quickly as possible, like Danielle from Too Perfect, who felt she had to hit every spot in the guidebook.

Maybe for some people, that is as good as it gets.

Have you been affected by leisure-deprivation?
Do you ever have a hard time just letting fun happen?

Your thoughts?

Fighting to BE in the Moment

swimming pool (Photo credit: freefotouk)

So my new (two years now!) apartment has a swimming pool. And the weather is finally warm enough for me to get into it on a regular basis.

So why can't I just swim and enjoy it?

I find I am having a lot of trouble, these days, to keep the pool simply as an activity of fun and/or relaxation, rather than turning it into a chore.

Swimming is good exercise, we all know that, and I need to get in more exercise. So I am swimming laps, and I enjoy swimming laps, but I am trying not to let that become a chore. To have it become, "You must swim XX many laps."

I am trying to enjoy the texture and temperature of the cool water as my arms and legs move (ungracefully, but nobody's watching) through the water, the feel of it flowing through and around my fingers and toes, the faint smell of chlorine, the the shimmer of the water, the warmth of the sun on my face and back.

And that's another thing. The pool isn't heated, and like many apartments in SoCal, it's in an unnatural canyon. Between the shadow of the buildings on the east, and the ones on the west, the pool only gets direct sunlight for perhaps 5-6 hours each day, even in July, and the temps can drop as much as 30 degrees at night. So the water temperature tends to stay cool, even on days when the temperature reaches the 80's or 90's.

This means, since I am not a fan of the cold, I like to lie out long enough to get heated up, before getting into the water.  (Yes, I always use sunscreen. No, not always all over - later on I generally find a spot or three that I managed to miss.)

I lie out, get warm, or hot even, get in the pool and swim some laps till I am tired and/or cold, then repeat.

Can I simply lie in the sun, enjoy the rays sinking into my body with their vitamin D, slowly turning my skin from its natural corpselike white color to a faintly tan color?

No, I feel I have to do something, even when I am lying out. The other day I took pages with me for a speech I am rehearsing. Generally I take a book. Because otherwise how can I justify slicing out 1 1/2 to 3 hours, in the middle of a perfectly good day, when I could be writing/organizing/houseworking or Doing Something Productive?

Yeah, do ya think maybe I should learn something from these posts on workaholics? Yes, I have many Important Events coming up, that demand research and preparation.

And yet, it is still okay to set aside time for pure relaxation. Not just okay, but necessary. To kick back and tell that monkey mind just to hush.

I'm going to try to get in the pool a few evenings a week, plus at least one day this coming weekend,  when I will just BE poolside, and in the water.  Just to enjoy the water, and the sun, and the palm trees rustling in the wind.

I may take a book, if I am reading one that I enjoy, or I may not.

What do you do to beat back the "productive" vibe?

Your thoughts?

Naked and Timeless

Sandro Botticelli's Venus

There are certain things I'm used to wearing every day.  Bra, panties, something or other on top of said undergarments.  And a watch.

But I only have one watch.  I don't want more than one watch.  I have a nice plain, silver-colored Timex watch with a round face and numbers.  Not Roman numerals, not kitty faces or little sparking gemstones or some other BS. 

I love my watch.

But last week, the battery died, and I took off my watch because the 1:10 it displayed was too confusing to me.

I felt naked.

I repeatedly checked the white mark on my wrist, but no matter how many times I looked, three blond hairs and a freckle did not offer me significant information.

I figured it would be no big deal - there's a jeweler right in the building where I work.  Take the watch down, get the battery replaced, no problem.

Except, when I got to the jewelers, they had a note on the door: "Taking an extended weekend - be in on Thursday."

I could have gone elsewhere, but that seemed silly.  I could wait a day, right?  So I went back during my lunch on Thursday and... they didn't have the right replacement battery in stock.  "We should have it by Saturday," the guy tells me.  And they're closed on Mondays.

So, I got my watch back on Tuesday. Naked no more.

I can be clueless about a lot of things, but obviously, the universe was trying to teach me a lesson about being mindful and in the moment.  So, that's what I worked on last weekend.

Instead of living by the clock, I lived by me.

I slept as late as I needed.  Did my yoga when I felt ready to stretch.  Ate when I felt hungry.  Worked on my writing and blogs when the spirit moved me.  Read (lots!) and did chores and played with the cat as it felt right to me, not when it was "the right time."

Walked a bag of books and some old sweaters around the corner to donate to Goodwill.  Unleashed a Sex Bomb in the tub.  All in all, I was able to savor and enjoy everything I did.

I can't always do this - this weekend I have an "event" to attend, and I need to make sure I am there on time.  Work, I also need to be there within shooting distance of the time they expect me, though there is no big deal if I am either a little late or a little early, most days.


I'm so glad my watch stopped.

Have you ever taken a weekend (or longer) "off the clock"?

What did you do - or not do - that made it special?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chapter Two, The Myth of Control

This post continues with The Myth of Control, from Chapter Two.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. 

If Garp could have been granted one vast and naive wish, it would have been that he could make the world safe. For children and for grownups, the world struck Garp as unnecessarily perilous for both.

--John Irving

The World According to Garp

Everyone needs some self-control, and some mastery over his or her environment, just to survive. But many obsessives have a disproportionate need for control - one that is driven and rigid, rather than reasonable and flexible.

This exaggerated need stems from an irrational conviction that perfect control can ensure safe passage through life. <snip>

What are the roots of this myth? I believe that children who will become obsessive are terrified by the awareness of their own vulnerability in a world they perceive as threatening and unpredictable.. In order to maintain a sense of calm and to navigate sanely through life, they must somehow ward off or deny this awareness. So they come to believe that, through control of themselves and their personal universe, they can protect themselves against the dangers in life, both real and imagined. If they could articulate the myth that motivates their behavior, they might say: "If I try hard enough, I can stay in control of myself, of others, and of all the impersonal dangers of life (injury, illness, death, etc.) In this way I can be certain of safe passage."

Obsessive people continue to embrace this myth at an unconscious level throughout their lives. Though they will acknowledge that such total control is impossible, the myth nonetheless continues to influence their behavior from its place deep within.

***

We all know - nobody's getting out of this place (life) alive.  Yet most of us do take what we think are reasonable measures, to protect ourselves, and those we love.

Those with OCPD go past the "belts-AND-suspenders," let's double-check for safety mentality.

Most people who know me would not call me a crazy reckless person.  I always buckle my seat beat, and look both ways before I cross a street.  I floss my teeth and see my dentist and doctors for regular check-ups.  I drive slowly and carefully in the rain.  My ex b-f had gotten to a paranoid place where he refused to go anywhere in the car if it was raining - or was even predicted to rain.  Even a light drizzle.

I've heard of OCPDrs who won't let their children use automatic opening umbrellas - because they could poke somebody's eye out.  (Has that ever happened, in the entire history of push-button umbrellas opening?)

The excessive need for safety and control can create major conflicts between those with OCPD and those who love them.  They would wrap the whole world in bubble-wrap, if they could.  Double layers.  Maybe spray a coat of lacquer over the top, just to make sure it's all well-sealed.  And that includes their partners and children.

Problem is, we don't want to be sealed in bubble wrap. 

“I was wondering what the mouse-trap was for,” said Alice.
“It isn’t very likely there would be any mice on the horse’s back.”
“Not very likely, perhaps,” said the Knight;
“but if they do come, I don’t choose to have them running all about.”
from Old Books

So, there is often major conflict over what constitutes "reasonable" safety precautions.  They may feel, because of our sadly lackadaisical attitude towards obvious dangers like driving in the rain when you don't have to (for instance, to a family gathering,) push-button umbrellas and plugged-in toasters, that they have to take over not only keeping themslves safe, but keeping us safe.  And protecting our homes from all the chaos we (slackers) leave in our wake - a frequent complaint of ex-b-f was that he had to follow around after me, "picking up" and "fixing" things I had left undone.

I'm sure he truly felt that way.  That mousetraps on a horse... well, you never know, do you?  Unlike a "normal" person, those with OCPD don't ever seem to get to a mental place where they say, "Okay, I've done enough for now to protect myself and my family from possible danger.  Now I can relax." 

They very rarely seem to feel they can relax, under any circumstances.

Instead, if all around seems to be under control for the moment, their minds are busy seeking out new, or future dangers, to safeguard against those.

Have you ever gone to ridiculous lengths to insure safe passage through life?

Do you believe , perhaps not consciously, that if you do everything "right," exercise, proper diet, etc., you can prevent most health problems or injury?  Or do you accept that "Shit Happens"?

Too Perfect Tuesday: Chapter One (final) The Core of Obsessiveness/The Need for Control

This post continues with The Core of Obsessiveness/The Need for Control, from Chapter One.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. 

Regardless of the psychobiological causes of obsessiveness, the central dynamic in the obsessive personality is that of control.  Most of us, obsessives included, would allow that life is fundamentally unpredictable.  As hard as the best-intentioned, most conscientious person might try, it is impossible to control every aspect of one's existence; we are vulnerable.  Despite such lip service to these truths, however, somewhere near the center of their inner being, far from their conscious awareness, obsessives are trying to deny this reality.  Their subtle but constant attempts to control everything in the world around them (and inside them) are an attempt to do the impossible: to guarantee security, to assure safe passage through the risks and uncertainties of living.

Sometimes these efforts may "work" for years.  Their conscientiousness and thoroughness bring obsessives admiration in the workplace.  They follow the laws and rules assiduously, so they rarely incur the disapproval of those in authority.  They seldom are rejected in romantic encounters since they avoid situations that make them vulnerable, or they take preemptive action when they sense an affair is going awry, so that they may be the one to end it.  The conform to the standards of their social groups, so they usually aren't ridiculed or ostracized.  And the rewards for being responsible, consistent, alert to details, safety-conscious, and well-organized are legion.

But all this security comes at a price.  Though they may be inured to it, many strongly obsessive people are suffering.  They may be unable to show their feelings or to trust anyone (even their closest loved ones) completely, and as a result live with the chilling sense of being fundamentally alone.

Many obsessives suffer the endless agony of having to do everything well - an unnecessary imperative that can ruin even the most enjoyable of activities.  Their fear of embarrassment of appearing less than perfect may keep them from trying new things.

They struggle daily under the weight of a massive inner rulebook, an overgrown sense of duty, responsibility and fairness.  Most obsessives rarely taste the joys of the moment; the present hardly exists for them.  Even in their time off, many can't fully relax, or just play.  Indeed, they are never really "off."  Worries bedevil them as they plow through life doing the "right" things, hoping that caution, diligence, and sacrifice will pay off - someday.

The chapter finishes with the famous poem/essay by Nadine Stair, "If I had my life to live over... I would eat more ice cream and less beans.."  (I know you've seen bits on a poster somewhere!)  And a Self-Test.  Self-tests can be helpful, if they are taken honestly.  What sometimes happens when OCPDrs (or others) are in denial that they have a problem, is they quickly figure out how to "game" the test.  "See!" they may say triumphantly afterwards.  "I told you there was nothing wrong with me!"

An amateur diagnosis may be helpful to a "non," or an OCPDr, in identifying tools and techniques that may be useful, but only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose OCPD (and sometimes even they miss it.)

***

The business about the disconnect between the lip service to "of course, we can't control everything" and the actual carrying on as if one can... reminds me of the problems I have sometimes integrating a message I know in my head, into my heart.

Sometimes I feel like I'm this guy:


Even when it's all true, I feel a weird sheepishness and fear of being silly or self-indulgent, when I do positive affirmations.  I do them anyway (if not often enough.)

As far as strengths-slash-flaws "working" for Perfectionists - yes, they can, for quite some time.  My ex would tell stories about his job working for a company that ran the programs that allowed big banks (Security Pacific, Wells Fargo, etc.) make electronic payroll tax deposits for their clients.  (Yes, this was 20 years ago.)  Anyway, he would relate with pride how sometimes the engineers thought a program was "good enough," to be released, and even though it wasn't his job, he would test it every other way he could think of, even it that took days, making sure there was absolutely no possible scenario under which it would "hang" or crash. 

However, I got the impression between the lines, that his boss wasn't 100% pleased about his need to work every single bug out of every single program, regardless of how long it took.  Especially since that wasn't his assigned job.  And when the company was bought out and all the other employees went elsewhere... He had nowhere to go, and hasn't worked since.

He would also obsess over ants.  Ants happen.  In my old apartment, oddly, sometimes I would not get them in the sink where I had left dirty dishes (no cracks, please, about how even the ants were too smart to touch my cooking) but they would come into the bathroom through the openings in the electric plugs.  Riddle me that, oh ye neat freak!  Fact of life, no matter how well you clean, sometimes you will get ants.  But OCPD ex-bf usually treated one lonely scout ant as a sign of the Apocalypse (and of my slovenliness.) 

Or a moth would get into the house, or a fly get in.  Doom!  Tragedy!  Terror! 

He was always too busy, had too much to do to relax (Remember, this is a guy with no job, a house with two adults, in which I vacuumed, dusted, and cleaned the bathroom on the weekends.)  I think for many OCPDrs a state of having nothing to do, workwise, may be scary and uncomfortable.  So they've got to go find (or manufacture) a crisis, because the only emotional state that they're accustomed to, sadly, is  anxiety. 

Of course, in America we have a culture that approves of the 60 (or more) hour workweek, and seems to frown on "too much" leisure - there's an attitude that pleasure must be earned.  So a perfectionist can often get away with focusing all his/her attention on the job, or on Things That Must Be Done.


Photo by Dany13 on Flickr



This chapter highlights for me, not just how hard it is to live with a Perfectionist, but how very hard it is to be a Perfectionist.  They are suffering.  It is very painful for them, but they don't see that they create their own "massive inner rulebook."  They are astounded that every other human being isn't dragging one around, too, and obviously those people are slackers who just don't care about doing things right - the way the Perfectionist does.

It does isolate them.

I knew my ex-boyfriend was suffering, perhaps more acutely than he did, but I couldn't help him with it, because he didn't trust me.  No matter how much I tried to show him I loved him, no matter how many times I had "been there" for him, no matter what craziness I put up with... I think that's why many of us stay, hoping, that we'll eventually breach a crack in that wall and they'll trust us.

One thing I've read in other posts - while an obsessive may avoid rejection in the beginning of a romantic relationship, as it states here, when it comes to long-term relationships ending, they are often shell-shocked and totally surprised.  A train they didn't see coming, even though their partner may have been telling them, "If things don't change in our relationship, I'm going to have to leave," for weeks, months, years.  I've read where somebody will report to a third party, "Oh, things are much better between us," on the day their spouse is moving out.

The whole condition is very sad, but there is hope.  The obsessive simply has to be willing to change.

Gee, is that all (I hear those of you in such a relationship asking)?  Why not ask something simple, like carrying the Holy Grail to the top of Mount Everest?

It has been know to happen (the willingness to change.)

VD with the G-F

So, I was anticipating a rough VD, since it was my first since breaking up with OCPD bf.  And it was rough, in spots, but I tried to be pro-active and not let myself sink into too much unhealthy reminiscing and nostalgia.

Reality is, Valentines' Day with him was no great shakes.  I think once he cut roses from the garden and put them in a vase on the table for me.  He never, ever, sent flowers to me at work, and many years didn't even bother with a card.  More than a wee bit Demand-Resistant to the whole idea of making a fuss over his loved one for a "Hallmark Holiday."

So... I bought my own rose for my desk at work, and am still enjoying it.  (Though I did move it away from that corner where I could too easily knock it onto the floor.  In case that worried you.)

And I decided to get Carried Away a bit for the G-F, with all kinds of good-smelling stuff I wasn't "allowed" to use due to ex b-f's complaints about cologne and scented lotion.  And duckies.  The pink one even lights up! (For those of you thinking I'm both bi and moving waaaaay too fast - I found that while I feel somewhat uncomfortable treating myself well, I can manage it if I treat myself in the third person, like my own girlfriend.)

So, some new stinkum from Bath & Body works, plus I cashed in a gift card and showered g-f in Luscious Kisses from Victoria's Secret.

Over the weekend I knocked out a few chores that had been hanging over my head, which made me feel happy and relieved.  And which gave me permission to enjoy myself, though I'm trying to get past the silly notion that pleasure should be earned.

Worked on eating mindfully.  I fixed girlfriend some of our favorite meals, but tried to focus on appropriate sized portions, and stopping when/before being full, trying to tune into learning how to listen to the body, instead of just eating, eating, eating, because food is sitting there.  And trying to include lots of salad, green veggies, and healthy choices. 

Also bought Valentines' chocolate for her, all her favorites, though a small box.  We haven't inhaled them all yet, but are eating them 1-2 per night, totally savoring and enjoying each and every bite.

This mindful eating business is hard work, and I'm such a beginner, but I trust it's the right way to go in the long term.

Spent a fair amount of time with my favorite dysfunctional couple, Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII.  Their story is one I've been magnetically drawn to for most of my life.  Talk about an object lesson in 1) Passionate love doesn't always last forever, and 2) It's not usually healthy for a woman to lose her head over a man.

Theories abound on What Went Wrong.  Did either Anne or Henry have a Personality Disorder?  Because things went downhill pretty fast once the "chase" was over and they were officially married.  Much like what happens when a "non" moves in with a person with a PD.  Or were one or both of them simply drunk with power?

Certainly Anne exhibited some wild mood swings.  She was also pregnant and miscarrying during much of that time, and that in itself could account for her being so "highly strung."   Plus just a smidge of pressure from being surrounded all the time by people who hated her guts, and constant demands from those who wanted to use her to further their own interests.  We think about Diana, Princess of Wales, and how she was constantly hounded by paparazzi, but old-time royalty had people around them all the time.  Even the privies weren't private.

from Wikipedia Commons

One interesting novel, Threads by Nell Gavin, takes on the story as woven into a theory of reincarnation.  The idea is that people choose to be reborn into different families to work out unresolved karmic issues, and that Henry, Anne and Katherine had been married, siblings, parents and children in previous lifetimes.  I especially liked the section where Anne was an Egyptian whore, Katherine her young daughter, and Henry a transvestite man-whore who befriended them because he longed for children of his own.

This would explain a lot about 15th and 16th century men's fashion.

Watched some flicks - Carrie Fisher's entertaining Wishful Drinking, and Disney's Tinkerbell which I'd been wanting to see forever, because my favorite artist Loreena McKennitt had done most of the music and the narration.  As the intro ballad wafted me into the story, that's when I did my VD weeping - not sure if it was because I felt so moved by Loreena's gorgeous voice, or a little bit of sadness over ex b-f. 

Although ex b-f also really enjoys her music, and always claimed a love of animation, he was never willing to watch this movie with me, because...   because.  Who knows why? 

Every time I go down that rabbit hole of trying to make sense of the nonsensical, I simply get more lost.  When someone has a mental disorder, things don't make logical sense.   Yet those of us who love them may keep churning past actions or conversations in our minds, thinking we'll hit on some magical insight and we'll really "get" why they think and act the way they do.

I will never be able to understand his distorted thinking, and that's okay.  I don't have to.  I just need to figure out the way I think, and make healthy choices for me.

What healthy choices have you been making for you?

Tell me about it in the comments.