Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Me and My New Girlfriend

So, the other night I officially broke it off with my OCPD b-f.  It was very painful for me - I cried for days, knowing I had to do it.  He was shocked, seemed hurt, and didn't get it, at all - but why should he?  Did he ever "get" it while I was trying so hard to make our relationship work?  He thought if he cut back on his drinking (which he almost managed)  all would be good.  It wasn't.

I do feel sorry for him, and may have some pangs of regret in the future, but right now, I am trying very hard not to be co-dependent and fret over what I imagine he may be feeling.  Reality is, I'm not inside his head, I don't know what he's thinking or feeling.  Maybe he feels devastated, maybe he feels relieved, maybe he feels numb.  In any event, it's not any of my business what is going on inside his head.  (Remember boundaries?!)

What next?  For years, I had a picture on my desk at work of me and a previous b-f who then became a platonic male friend.  When OCPD b-f and I became a couple, I slid a picture of us on top of the old one.

I've taken the frame home and am going to take both pictures all the way out, probably smudge the frame to remove any lingering creepy/sad vibes, and replace it with a flattering picture of my new girlfriend, all by herself (though, of course, she doesn't really like any pictures of herself.)

That was fast, you think?  Not really.  She's been waiting in the wings all along, sadly content with whatever leftover crumbs of attention or love I would throw her.

I've come to realize how badly I've treated her, and intend to make up for it in 2011.
Aaaah, Freddie, what amazing talent, if only you could have lived a bit longer.

So here are my plans so far for me and the girlfriend - my new/old Best Friend - in 2011:
  • I'll tell her she smells delicious, whether she's wearing Burt's Bees or Opium or Vick's Vapo-Rub.
  • I'll encourage her to dream, and allow her to cry.
  • I'll nudge her to make all the doctor and dentist appointments she needs to take care of herself, even when she feels scared.
  • I'll cut up fruit and fix healthy things for her meals, but I won't frown or tell her she's bad when she needs to eat comfort food.
  • If she feels like reading or writing instead of cleaning the toilet, I won't scold her.
  • If people try to manipulate or take advantage of her, I'll try to help her see it and stand up for herself.
  • I'll pour her some champagne and paint her toenails while putting on a chick flick DVD.
  • I'll let her coax me into trying new foods.
  • I'll stay in with her for hermit weekends of sleeping, reading 'n writing, and go out with her for social weekend of activities with other friends.
  • I'm going to encourage her to enjoy, without ridicule or criticism, whatever she enjoys, whether that's Richard Simmons DVD's or researching her family on
  • When weather permits, I'll swim with her, and it won't matter whether it's laps or just splashing around.
  • As for sex... I'm sure I can find something to blow her hair back.
  • I'll turn up the tunes while we clean the place - maybe even go against "the only right way" and vacuum first, then dust.  (the horror!)
  • I'll work with her to eliminate the word "should" from her vocabulary (except in a very few instances, as in, "I should feed the cat before she chews off my leg.")
  • I'll kick around in flannel nighties and fuzzy slippers with her, or glam it up with eye shadow and mascara, whatever feels like fun.
  • I'm going to really work with her to stop focusing on her figure flaws and to appreciate her strength, health, and beauty.  Only little girls and gay men love Barbie dolls, anyway.
  • I'll light candles and run her hot baths with bubbles or scented salts and settle her comfortably in the tub with a juicy book and a glass of wine, or a pleasantly sweating glass of icy cold water, for as long as she needs to soak.
  • I'll hold her in my lap and rock her when she's scared or upset, let her feel what she need to feel, without trying to talk her out of it.
  • I'll tell her when she's getting overextended and needs to slow down (no more than two volunteer activities a month, okay?!)
  • I'll take her on walks and work out with her and maybe try new things (kettlebells?) or go to new places.  Or old places I haven't visited in a while.
My girlfriend is loyal, kind, patient, smart, funny, generous, she's been through a rough time, and she deserves to be treated well.  So this year, that's exactly how I'm going to treat her.

As I'm sure you've already figured out, my new girlfriend is ME.  Somehow it was much easier for me to make a list of nice things to do for an imaginary third person, rather than say, "I'm going to do this and that for myself."  Because somehow, that sounds so selfish, feels so uncomfortable.

I'll have to work with her on that one.  (wink)

G-f's new Theme Song for 2011

What nice things are you going to do for yourself (or, your best friend/self) in 2011?
Tell me about it in the comments.