Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Crazy on You

No, not a theme of my life (anymore!), just calling attention to the new PAGE I've added to this blog, containing The Crazy Rules - Greatest Hits.  Just click on the link above this post that says "Crazy Rules" and you, too, can be enlightened as to How The World Should Be Run.

Being a Hero works great in fiction... not so well in real life.
Even when you have the superpowers granted by OCPD.

As to those who wonder how I'm getting along with my new girlfriend...  so far, so good.  My New Year's weekend wasn't particularly exciting or dramatic, and I was perfectly happy with that.  Did some eating, sleeping, champagne drinking, reading and writing... not necessarily in that order.  Went with a friend to a service at her Buddhist ashram... interesting.  I enjoyed it and will probably go again, but I know already it's not going to be my new "thing."

Watched an excellent if creepy movie with my friend (Winter's Bone,) and yes, speaking of creepy, thought about ex-bf a bit.  Sometimes I missed him.  I would see a vision of his face looking happy, or tender, and feel a bit gushy inside.  Sometimes I felt bad/guilty, certain he's terribly hurt and missing me - and then reminded myself, boundaries, girlfriend, boundaries.  Maybe he is feeling hurt.  Maybe he's angry (that was certainly a go-to emotion for him when we were together.)  Maybe he's totally indifferent.  I don't know what's going on inside his head and in any case, it's really none of my business.

When I thought about ex-b-f in terms of how I felt/feel - I was relieved, not just to have last weekend, but all my weekends, stretching in front of me to do with as I please.  Without the pressure/dread of having to prepare emotionally to Spend Time Together.  To steel myself against the looks of disgust as I did yet another thing that broke his Rules.  All in all though, as far as everything I thought over the course of the weekend... ex-bf did not occupy the largest part of my thoughts. 

Mostly, I was working on and taking care of me.  And though I plan to (and my tarot reading suggests I should ) continue sharing my accumulated "wisdom," (such as it is) and experiences that I learned from living with and studying OCPD, it's more from a viewpoint of understanding how living with it affected me, how it changed my thinking.  As opposed to where I was a year ago, thinking if I could only really, really understand the Perfectionist brain, I could help b-f get better.

I'm not suggesting, if you live with or love somebody with OCPD, that you should leave.  Only you know if/when that is a right decision for you.  It might be the absolute worst thing in the world you could do.

For me, it was the right decision.  I left when it felt right, and I ended the relationship when it felt right to me.  Some of my friends might think my decision was long overdue, but I had to do it on my own time schedule, when I was ready.

Photo via US National Archives

I know I need to keep picking apart this whole situation for a while, until I truly understand how I got into a relationship with somebody with a PD, what in myself made me vulnerable to it and why I missed (or sped right past) the warning signs.

Because I don't want to do this again.  I plan to stick to my girlfriend, and be very, very careful when I think about dating again - not until 2012, at the earliest - so that I don't end up leaving someone with OCPD and hooking up with a Borderline Personality, or a Narcissist.

I think it'll take not just knowing the hows and whys in my head, but healthy practice.  Like driving a car - at first you are conscious of every little action, and then it becomes habit; you get in, buckle your seatbelt, adjust the mirrors, start the car, begin texting (jk!)  I want taking care of me in healthy ways to become automatic, something I do out of habit (instead of my old pattern, charging in as RescueWoman to save and fix the totally f%#ked-up.) 

Capes don't really suit my body type anyway.

If you have comments about the Crazy Rules page,
you'll have to post 'em HERE as you can't there
Or, if you haven't already, go to Free Forums and post your own.