Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Guest Post: How Much of a Blame Absorber Are You? from Baggage Reclaim

Absorbency in toilet paper, diapers, and feminine sanitary products...  a very good thing.

Absorbency of blame in relationships... not so good.

In fact, it means you're stocking your mind with too many products from Codependency 'R Us.  Take the quiz, and see how YOU rate.  (I could wish I rated lower, but... I'm getting better!)

from Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim:

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Following on from last weeks quiz about what makes you interested or disinterested, this weeks quiz is all about whether you center yourself too much in other people’s actions and thoughts causing you to be a ‘Blame Absorber’, someone who finds a way to soak up any negative thing that happens around them and make it their fault, which plays into their self-fulfilling prophecy and the negative things they believe about themselves, and distorts their perspective while removing the responsibility from others.
Which of the following statements do you agree with:

1. When someone annoys or upsets me, I often think that it must be because of something I’ve done or a ‘flaw’ that’s triggering it.

2. People who are lovable and worthy don’t have others treating them badly and taking advantage of their boundaries.

3. If they don’t reciprocate my interest, I wonder what is wrong with me or what I could potentially do to ‘win’ them over.

4. In a current or past relationship, even though the other person was doing and being things that were counterproductive to the success of the relationship, I’ve believed the responsibility of the problems in the relationship were mine to bear.

5. If a partner cheats on me, I believe it’s because I have failed to meet their needs.

6. I’ve been involved with someone who didn’t treat me very well and but I have often wondered what it is that I did wrong.

7. I’ve been involved with someone who didn’t treat me very well and who I know had not treated others well either but I still wonder what I did wrong and why they can’t be different with me.

8. I believe that when you love someone, if that person has ‘problems’ and basically things that need to change for the relationship to work/me to be happy, that they should want to change.

9. I believe that if I love enough that the problems will no longer exist.

10. I am involved with someone or have been involved with others, where I have wanted them to make me the exception to their rule of behavior.

If you’ve agreed with any of the statements, it’s time to readdress your tendency to absorb blame and remove responsibility from others. Read on for the ‘answers’….

1. When someone does something to annoy or upset me, I often think that it must be because of something I’ve done or a flaw that’s triggering it.
There’s such a thing as placing yourself far too much in the center of other people’s actions and thought processes. Some people behave like jackasses because that is their way. Others lack empathy and don’t consider the impact of their actions. Others act as they do through a lack of boundaries on your side, which they take as a green light to take the piss – that means you’re enabling what someone is inclined to do anyway, not causing. And sometimes people unintentionally eff up but don’t mean you ill harm and regret and apologize. To believe you’re responsible for all that others do to you, is giving yourself too much credit and removing their accountability.

Click here to read the Bagagge Reclaim article in full.

Btw, thanks, Natalie, for posting an explanation for "take the piss" which means something very different in America than it does in the UK!

So, what do you think?  Have you been acting more like Charmin than Charlene?  Is this one of your weaknesses: a willingness, even eagerness, to absorb the blame for all that goes in in your relationships?  (It has been in mine - I winced at #7 - well, at more than #7, but I'm learning to get over this.) 

Post a comment and let me know how your blame absorbency issues are coming along.