What Did You Get in Your Bag? A #Fat-Shaming Letter!

Everybody who's ever been an American kid can remember the thrill of Halloween: the excitement of deciding what to "be," the fun of dressing up and showing off to our grandparents and teachers, the excitement of going door to door "in disguise" to get treats from the neighbors.

And remember this part? Comparing the goodies with our friends?

This year, there's a nasty letter circulating on the 'net, that some woman calling herself "Cheryl" purportedly claimed to a radio station that she intended to hand out to those children she deems "moderately obese," instead of candy.

My hope is that "Cheryl" really enjoys cleaning TP and eggs off the side of her house.

What makes the Charlie Brown clip funny, is that we know and trust that adults wouldn't really give some kids candy, and give another child a rock. The inherent unfairness is obvious.


Now, there is some chatter that "Cheryl," and the letter itself, are a prank and it's not going to be passed out to kids after all. This is a good thing.

But here's what I find disturbing and a sign of sickness in our society.

That while most people are in agreement that the idea is horrific and cruel, a minority are openly expressing their support for "Cheryl" and this letter. They think the way to solve childhood obesity is by shaming fat children.

Basically, fat people in our society are treated much like Jews in early 1930's Germany - it was not only accepted, but expected you would harass them. (Mind you, I'm talking about the time before Jews and many other people were rounded up and sent to concentration camps, when they were "only" being spit on and beat up.)

Like Jews wearing a yellow star, or people of color living in a primarily white-skinned community, or those in a wheelchair, fat people never "pass" as "normal" people.

But unlike being a person of color or Jewish, being fat is a choice, right?

Actually, scientific evidence is pointing to many signs that obesity is very complicated. There are genetic factors, environmental factors, links to the influence of various poisons and chemicals that now permeate our bodies in a way they didn't a few hundred years ago. And there is also substantial evidence that people on various medicines "blow up" or lose weight, and it has nothing to do with willpower, diet or exercise. In a poignant rant on my other blog, TL Hamrick said:

As a person who was painfully thin until my early twenties, and struggled (and still struggle) with weight, especially at about age 30, when my PCOS went into full swing. I spent a good part of my 30's overweight or obese, lost weight, kept it off for about 2 years, received a treatment/implant that caused my diet/exercise to fail and gained it all back, plus... and lost it again. Now I am on the too skinny side due to a serious health issue that I am recovering from, and will I ever be morbidly obese again?

I hope not. But... if I am, I will continue my striving for health at any weight, and the body comments? Do. Not. Want.

Shaming People Doesn't Work - But Let's Do It Anyway

Let's put aside medical issues, and all the other reason people may be too fat. Let's accept (for a moment) the premise that there are many people who CHOOSE to be overweight because they are lazy and undisciplined, yada yada. Let's accept the (now scientifically disputed) premise that being even moderately overweight is unhealthy.

Therefore, as a society, we want to help these people lose weight.

What's the best way we, as a society can do this?

Scientific studies (I know, again with the science!) point out that shaming, whether self-shaming or shaming by frenemies and outsiders, not only doesn't work for long-term weight loss, it actually has been proven to have the opposite effect.

Okay. So when we point out to people that a) people are fat for many different reasons, and b) fat-shaming doesn't work, they stop, right?

That Would Make Sense, But No

I have found, though engaging with people on places like FaceBook and various chat boards, there are some people (OCPD? who knows?) who insist on their right to continue bullying fat people, even fat children, because "they are disgusting." Because "it's for their own good."

They express every intention to continue to hate on fat people, even fat children, who are at the mercy of genes, medicine, and parental control, for being fat. While at the same time, they want to assume the high moral ground. They want credit for being "good people," they are deeply offended when people call them even mild things like cruel or "willfully ignorant" or bullies.

But they are bullies.

My ex was like this, too, and that's one of many reasons he is my ex. He thought he was doing me a favor when he would tell me that I would look really good "if you lost another ten pounds" or when, if I dared to eat a modest lunch, he'd curl his lip in disgust and make a comment about me "pigging out again."

Even when I tried to talk to him about how harmful what he was doing was, to me and to our relationship, he could not adjust his settings.

If you are one of those people who feels justified in making negative comments about fat people (or skinny people, or white people, black people, people of a different religion, whatever), it's not because THEY have a problem.

It's because you do.

Have you ever been bullied about your weight?

Are you aware when a fat-shaming message comes out of your mouth?

Your thoughts?

A-Z: Grief - Loss Comes in Many Flavors

Grief is part of the admission ticket to this grand circus we call life, but most human beings aren't taught to handle it very well.

Mostly, we're supposed to dig a hole and shovel sand over it, like a turd in a catbox.

And yet, the odor still lingers.

To a certain extent, we accept that some grief is normal.  We expect that our 96-year-old granny isn't going to be around forever, and anticipate when she passes, we're going to feel sad (or perhaps, jubilant, depends on how cranky and bitter Granny was).  We know that, logically, people of all ages die: mothers, fathers, babies, siblings, friends, pets, and that this is something we can't control.

Knowing facts, in one's mind, doesn't always translate well to our hearts.

via Robert S. Donovan at Flickr

As children, we're not usually taught how to deal with even small disappointments.  We are generally very uncomfortable with another person's pain.  Dropped ice cream cone? Don't cry, I'll get you another one.  Fall down and skin your knee? Come on, it doesn't hurt that bad. Your dog died? You can get another puppy.

We are not taught how to sit and be with a feeling, to take some time to absorb what has occurred, and to figure out for ourselves what we might want to do next.  Instead we are rushed to another state of emotional being that doesn't make the other person feel so uncomfortable.

Is it any wonder as adults, we tend to go for substances (food, alcohol, drugs) or activities (sex, shopping, gambling) that numb or drown out feelings like sadness, fear, and grief?

I think people are getting better at dealing with grief than we did many years ago. We are learning to say things like, "I'm so sorry for your loss," as opposed to, "You must be so relieved his suffering is over," as I am ashamed to admit, I know I have said to more than one person in the past. Totally stupid and thoughtless of me, though I can offer as a feeble excuse, that I truly wasn't taught any better.

I'll read a book from another time (the L.M. Montgomery "Anne" books come to mind), and think about how some people would die, over a period of several weeks, with family and friends taking turns to sit by their bedside. We seem to be returning to that perspective, with the hospice movement, and I think that's a good thing.  Sure, we can keep the super-elderly and the Terri Schiavo's "alive" for weeks, months, even years, with every tube, wire, and medical gizmo hooked up, but should we?

Maybe it would be easier to deal with the grief of losing a loved one if death wasn't viewed as a bitter enemy, but as a natural part of life.

Grief (Photo credit: Wikipedia)Sometimes we also grieve over a partial loss. A child diagnosed as severely autistic, say, or a partner with a mental illness. When there was a baby born into our family with impaired hearing, his grandfather grieved that he would not be able to introduce him, as a teenager, to the glories of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon.  Maybe we have a book published, and the number of copies sold falls way below what we fantasized, or not all the reviews are positive.  We might need to grieve over the loss of our dream - what we imagined the person or relationship or event to be.

And there is the grief we don't expect to feel; the grief when something good happens. Graduated high school, woo-hoo!

Yet, it's still a loss. That teenager is losing daily contact with a lot of friends, a familiar routine and perhaps activities (basketball, art class) s/he won't be enjoying on a daily basis anymore.

Getting a promotion, selling a book, getting married - all reasons to celebrate, certainly, but they also carry with them the loss of the person we used to be, before this event occurred. Yet we usually expect to feel unmixed happiness, because we have not been taught that grief is a partner with most life events, and perhaps feel bewildered that it pops up when we think we should be delighted.

Talking about grief and sadness is almost like talking about an STI. Few people have the stomach for  the gory details, and often try to "cheer us up" or move on to talking about more pleasant things.  Yet if we don't all learn to be with our grief, and to allow our friends' and loved ones' grief to sit in the room with us, too, without trying to fix it, ironically, we'll probably get stuck in the grieving process.

I am working on integrating grief and sadness as part of the feelings I explore, not simply try to rush out of the room.  How about you?

My A-Z theme is Issues related to Mental Health or Mental Illness.

Have you ever experienced unexpected grief?

How are you learning to accept loss and pain in your life?

Related articles

• Kinds of Grief (namasteconsultinginc.com)
• Some Myths and Facts About Grief (namasteconsultinginc.com)
• ~Grief~ (myodyssey8.wordpress.com)
• Grief is an Expression of Love (memorybearsbybonnie.wordpress.com)

The Relationship Was Toast from the Beginning

Image via WikipediaNot that I realized this.

See, I'm a breakfast-y person.  I have been since back in the day on the pill, I had to take my pill and vitamins with food, otherwise they made me nauseated.  I had an irregular work schedule, so my lunch and dinner were always at different times, but I could always have breakfast before work.  Might just be a bagel and some orange juice, or a bowl of cereal, but I always eat something in the morning.

Later, when I would spend the night at (an early)  boyfriend's place, if I/we had work we'd get up early and make love, then he'd treat me to IHOP.  If we didn't have work he'd make us breakfast, then we'd go back to bed and make love some more.

With a brief break for the child-rearing years, I became addicted to the whole cycle of lovemaking/breakfast/more lovemaking.  Perhaps lingering in bed or on the couch, watching old movies and cuddling, long past noon.  All of my lovers enjoyed it too, until...

At first, when I began seeing OCPD ex, we would make love first thing in the morning - but he was still caring for his aged father, so he would have to get up, go bathe and feed him.  Later, he was still set in that routine of get up and get the day started.  We might make love (morning wood), we might even linger in bed for an hour or two on a Sunday morning watching TV, but he was not a breakfast-y person.

Not knowing about OCPD, I thought it would just be a matter of time to coax him into such a fun, sensual experience on the weekends.  Memories of loveplay in the kitchen, kissing and caresses and feeding one another tidbits while making omelettes or blueberry muffins...  Forget about it.  One person in the kitchen at a time.  He had no interest in sharing the kitchen with me if I was cooking, and it was a federal offense if he was cooking and I came in, playfully grabbed his butt or kissed him.

A lot of times he claimed queasiness in the morning, that if he ate anything he would get sick.  (Since he self-medicated his anxiety with copious amounts of alcohol, can you say hangover, boys & girls?)  Most of the time, if I wanted a weekend cooked breakfast, I ate alone.  Sometimes he would allow me to fix a weekend breakfast for him, too, but we always ate at the table, never in bed or at the couch.   No loveplay during food preparation, at the table, or afterwards.

I missed a lot of things I'd come to believe were a normal part of a love relationship, but this one was a biggie for me.

And frequently, even when he "allowed" me to make him breakfasts, he found fault with them anyway.  The eggs were over or underdone.  Or cold (which often happened because he would delay coming to the table).  I prepared too much food.  Once I made scrambled eggs with bits of bacon crumbled into them.  Though he'd never told me, I should have known he didn't like bacon, ever, in any form.

He didn't even like the way I buttered his toast.  Generously, with the butter extending all the way to the edges of the toast.  That meant he got icky butter on his fingers, so unpleasant!  I began, on breakfast mornings, to simply put out the butter dish and a knife, slap the dry toast on his plate, and let him butter his own damn toast.  That way, he could leave the edges dry the way he liked them.

Although I am not yet ready to take a new lover, I am back to enjoying breakfasts again.  Quickies during the week; on the weekends, perhaps a big eggwhite scramble with broccoli, cheese and tomato.  I don't have to buy the bread he preferred, but can experiment: double fiber, whole wheat, potato bread...   Sometimes I even put jam on my toast!
Image via Wikipedia

This morning, a work day, I had a decadent two slices of Cinnabon toast (cinnamon gave him heartburn, he said) with butter (Smart Start butter substitute) spread all the way to the edge, so that each bite was equally flavorful.

I enjoyed it, but it makes me wonder...  It's been a year and a half since I moved out.  When will I stop remembering and reacting to that relationship, every time I butter my damn toast?  I enjoyed it, I am grateful to be able to do it the way I want without criticism or disgusted looks, but shouldn't I be over emotionally reacting by now?

Or is this a good thing, part of mindful eating?  I don't feel I am there yet, I think the hurt/trauma is still taking up a bit too much real estate in my mind.

What do you think?  Should I be over this by now?  Do you have hurts/traumas that are taking you longer to get over than you think they should?


As always, I love and appreciate your feedback.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 6 - The Many Styles of Emotional Reserve

This post continues with The Many Styles of Emotional Reserve from Chapter Six.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

THE MANY STYLES OF EMOTIONAL RESERVE

Mutually shared feelings bring people closer to each other.  Conversely, guarding one's emotions is one of the best ways to keep one's distance, and obsessives hold themselves back emotionally in a variety of ways.

A certain stiff and formal quality distinguished Drake, a twenty-six year-old engineer who was frustrated by his inability to sustain a romantic relationship.  Drake conceded that his own insensitivity to signs of feminine interest has cost him a number of potential partners.  "I miss out on cues.  It's as if I walk around anesthetized.  Sometimes, in fact, I'll pick up on the cues and act as if I didn't." <snip>

Wanda, a nurse, presented herself in group therapy meetings as being very attuned to others, ever ready to help them.  When others asked about her feelings, however, she invariably responded with generalities, or she would talk about former problems that she had resolved.  <snip>

Some emotionally guarded obsessives seem arrogant or "stuck-up," a facade they may only become aware of when people who get to know them reveal that this was their first impression.  The obsessive is often very surprised to hear this; rather than being arrogant, he or she was feeling anxious in those initial encounters - afraid of being humiliated or rejected for some gaffe.  <snip>

Other obsessives project charisma and warmth, but shut out even their close friends in certain fundamental ways.

Secretiveness

Sometimes efforts to maintain emotional distance can give one a secretive or cagy air.  <snip>  Obsessives can also be secretive about things other than their feelings.  One patient told me that she was reluctant to have anyone come to her home; it was a part of her that she didn't want others to see.  Other obsessives hide their opinions of conceal how much they earn or spend.  Some patients say they hate the idea of neighbors observing their comings and goings, or that they would never want to be be famous because of the inevitable loss of privacy.

Privacy is generally a highly prized commodity among obsessives.  They're particularly apt to hide the fact they're in therapy.  And even in the therapy relationship, many are very uncomfortable talking about things that are personal or "nobody's business."

***

 That last reminds me of my grandmother, who I suspect to have been OCPD.  When I asked her about her mother and her mother's family, wanting to know more about my own family history, she told me it was "none of your business."  It was a phrase my ex used, often; he did not want to have house sitters when we went out of town for that reason, because then they would know all about our business.

People who are emotionally close, share, and feel safe sharing.  I admit, I've been accused by certain people of being "secretive," myself, though I see it as being more self-protective.  With those particular people, there has been so much of an attempt to fix/guide/help me to feel "the right way," rather than listening and accepting what I do feel, that I have chosen to stop sharing my most intimate and delicate feelings with those people.

Sometimes there are people with whom we cannot/should not be emotionally open, because they have repeatedly demonstrated they are untrustworthy with our tender emotions.  With OCPD, however, seems like nobody is ever trustworthy.

Your thoughts?

Family Dysfunction 101

As I return from a delightful, if not entirely stress-free, vaca with family, I've come across this great video on another friend's site.  Her post on Self-Help Saturday: Family Dysfunction is pretty much OTN (On The Nose) as to what goes on in OCPD households.  So, I'm reposting here.

No, we don't plan to do things wrong.  The pressure to do everything perfectly, even as a child, to hide our faults, flaws and mistakes, leads to unhealthy dynamics. not healthy ones.

What's especially crazymaking is if there is sexual, physical, and/or emotional abuse going on, and as children (or spouses) we are expected to present a facade of normalcy to the outside world.  And then others tell us how lucky we are to have such a great dad/mother or partner.  We begin to question whether something is wrong with us, that the person who hurts us so, can be so nice to other people.

Family is supposed to be the place where we are physically and emotionally safe.  Where we can make mistakes and spill milk and still be loved and valued.

Maybe there is some gentle teasing going on.  Some would say that any teasing whatsoever is cruel and destructive.  IMO it's okay to giggle if somebody farts loudly or locks the keys in the car.  As long as it is gentle and good-natured, and no one person in the family is always picked on, and the teasing immediately ceases if the teasee appears hurt.  Which is a very fine line, I know.

Did your FOO (Family Of Origin) ace Dysfunction 101?  

What kind(s) of secrets were you expected to hide from the world?

Do you agree or disagree that gentle teasing can be okay?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 3 - Not So Perfect Relationships Pickiness

This post continues with Not So Perfect Relationships - Pickiness, from Chapter Three.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Pickiness

<snip> there is another variation of perfectionism: an exaggerated inclination to be upset over the flaws in other people or things.  <snip>

While most people would prefer an ideal spouse to an imperfect one, they generally accept that much of life is imperfect, and they don't invest too much time or energy in fretting over minor flaws in their mates.  If you're a critical obsessive, however, you're a true expert at finding fault with anything, and you can't help feeling upset over the shortcomings you find.

<snip> Sarah sadly admitted that her perfectionism had undermined several relationships:  <snip> With her ex-husband, Edward, she morosely acknowledged," I was constantly on his back - criticizing his opinions, his appearance, the way he handled money, his interactions with our son.  He finally started to keep things from me just to avoid my disapproval.

Ultimately, Edward grew resentful toward Sarah because he had come to feel so inhibited around her.  His resentment then spilled into other aspects of their relationship.  He lost interest in their sexual relationship and began spending less time with her.  <snip>  She became even more citical, perpetuating the problem.

Their five-year-old son, Jonathan, also felt belittled by Sarah's pickiness.  <snip> When she praised an art project, or his performance at a Little League game, she couldn't help throwing in a hint as to how he might do better next time.  When she watched him interact at a social event, her attention was always seduced by the things he didn't do well.

Upon reflection, Sarah could readily recognize the destructive impact of her constant fault-finding, but she felt powerless to change.  She'd always been picky, to her this trait seemed an immovable pillar of her being, and she even took some pride in it.  She saw herself as more discerning than most people.  <snip>

If, like Sarah, you constantly focus on the negative, this tendency is likely to sabotage not only your relationships but also your general enjoyment of life.  The speck on the glass not only catches your attention but also robs you of the pleasure of drinking from it.  <snip> The thing you hear loudest is the static most people ignore.

***

I think as much or more than any other facet of OCPD, that pickiness can destroy a relationship.  And as the author points out, many who have this trait take pride in it.  They are more observant, they care more, they pay attention to things other people miss.

If you think some trait makes you superior to others, why would you try to overcome it?  You won't.    Though he would occasionally apologize for being too picky, my ex conveyed that he was doing so as a sop to my feelings, not because he truly believed there was anything wrong with his behavior.  He, too, was proud of his "discernment."

Part of trust is feeling like you can expose your weaknesses to your partner, your friend, your parent, and that person still "has your back."  I couldn't trust him, because he was untrustworthy.  In the beginning, I shared with him some of my most intimate fears, doubts, and shame.  Later, I realized it was not emotionally safe to disclose any fears, weaknesses or doubts to him, because they would - not might be, would - later be used as weapons against me.

When you are constantly criticized, though you know it's a facet of this disorder, and you "shouldn't" take it personally, it's pretty much impossible to block it all out.  It's like standing in the pouring rain - even if you're wearing boots, a raincoat, and holding an umbrella, if it rains hard enough and you stand in it long enough, some of the wet is going to get through.

Most people like to spend time with... people who make them feel good.  Being called an assortment of derogatory names on a daily basis, being constantly criticized for not being "good enough" by someone who is supposed to be on your side, is a love-killer.  Generally not a sexual turn-on, either.

With my ex, I think partly he used sex to try to make up for the other ways he'd hurt me, but in the last few years... too much hurt, too many insults to be kissed away.  In the end, I really didn't want him touching me, at all.

I shudder at the stories I've heard of children who were nitpicked by one or both of their OCPD parents.  Never good enough.  It's the kind of pain that haunts forever.

Have you had to battle pickiness, your own or someone else's?

Please, share how you overcame it, or learned to stop most of it.