Olympic Twizzles vs. OCPD

Figure Skating Queen YUNA KIM
(Photo credit: { QUEEN YUNA })

As I write this, I'm enjoying the 2014 Winter Olympics.

Years ago, I fell in love with figure skating and ice dancing. I attended actual in-person ice shows. Watched the Nationals on TV, and every bit of the Olympics for these sports. Bought videotapes so I could watch performances over and over again.

I admired all the other Winter Olympic sports, too, from short track racing to ski jumping and moguls, even the weird stuff like the biathlon, because doesn't everyone need to ski, then target shoot?

I'm reflecting now, about the very first Olympics I remember watching as a child. At some point, as I watched the Opening Ceremonies, as I watched the tears roll down the face of the athletes from other countries on the medal platforms when their national anthems were played, I realized that they loved their native countries as much as I loved the USA.

Up to that point, I always "knew" that the best country in the world to live in was the USA, and I felt a kind of smug compassion for all those unfortunate people in inferior countries who couldn't also be Americans.

Suddenly I was faced with the idea that were people who believed that they lived in the best country in the world  (however mistaken they might be).

And I realized that my perspective was just that: MY perspective.

One that others didn't always share.

Four years ago when the last Winter Olympics were held, I was still "with" my OCPD ex. As I was for the 2006 Winter Olympics.

It's okay that my ex didn't love ice dancing.

I fell in love, some years after their incredible performance, with Torvill and Dean. I always loved (and never felt competent at) dancing, in any form. But the two of them left me breathless.

But ice dancing, and in second place in my heart, all the other artistic ice sports: individual female and male competition pairs figure skating, I couldn't get enough of.

I "got" that he didn't want to watch it, 24/7, as would have made me happy.

The problem was, he wouldn't let me watch any of it.

When I wanted to enjoy these programs, something always came up. sex; he "wasn't in the mood" for it right now; he had something else he wanted to watch (like a "Cops" rerun he could've watched any time).

It was like Alice at the Mad Tea Party: Jam yesterday, jam tomorrow, but never jam today.

When I pressed to watch ice dancing, or figure skating, on "our" TV via the cable I was paying for, that never happened.

Because, not knowing any better, I initially gave in... Certainly he was more important to me than watching some sports program on TV. Even one I loved. Even though I put up with and tried hard to love the NASCAR races that he loved, and it seemed only fair that he would try to like something I loved, or at least, to tolerate it.

Cropped transparent version of Image:Olympic flag.svg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I'm happy, now, watching these competitions. And I'm sad.

I still think ice dancing and figure skating are breathtaking and beautiful, and I love watching them. But I am sad, too, thinking of my ex.

I don't know why my ex couldn't "let me" enjoy something I loved. Did he feel that he was robbed of something, was he jealous? Was it demand resistance - because he knew he "owed it to me" to be as tolerant as I was of his love for NASCAR, did that unspoken expectation get in the way? Did he have some secret ice skating trauma he never shared with me?

Ashley Wagner skated her short program to Pink Floyd's Shine On, You Crazy Diamond. He loves Pink Floyd... you'd think it wouldn't be that far a stretch for him, for anyone who loves music, to appreciate an artistic interpretation of some of his favorite music.

But it was.

OCPD, its rigidity, control issues, and demand resistance, means those who suffer from it - and their loved ones - miss out of so many of the pleasurable things in life, because they are not on the list, not permitted, too frivolous...

And in other news...

My sister is in the middle of her chemotherapy. Although my brother-in-law has been diagnosed as being in end-stage liver disease (in addition to his stroke), we hope he'll be discharged this week. Family well-being has occupied much of my time and energy, but this blog is NOT abandoned.

Thanks for for love and support.

Your thoughts?

Birth of a JADE - Two Different Scripts

Colourful nail polishes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Let's take OCPD and other disorders and lock them in a closet somewhere (don't you wish we could?), pretend they don't exist, and look at what is going on when JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining) occurs, regardless of whether one person in the relationship is disordered, or both are, or neither are.

If you've ever been in an amateur play situation, you understand the concept of scripts: Person A says line 1, Person B says line 2. If Person B forgets line 2, Person A will repeat his/her line, or rephrase it in certain ways, trying to prompt Person B to remember and say line 2.

In a  disordered conversation, it's like Person A and Person B are working from two different scripts.

Source: data.whicdn.com via Jess on Pinterest

Person A comes bouncing into the room and displays a bottle of nail polish. "Look at this!" s/he says exuberantly. "This weekend, I'm going to paint all my nails this pretty robin's egg blue!"

What Person A is hoping for in response could go in any number of directions:

• Ooh, what a gorgeous color! Can you do mine, too?
• You're always doing something wild and crazy. [If said with affection]
• That's going to look great on you.
• When I was growing up,women only painted their nails in shades of red. All the different colors still look strange to me, but I've noticed many women wearing them. [An invitation to a discussion about changing fashions.]
• Alrighty then.

Basically, Person A wants any response that says, "I hear you, I love you, I support you, I approve of you."

But what if, for whatever reason, Person B freaks out?  

I recently read psychologist Jonathan Haidt's The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion. 

In this book he brings compelling evidence that we reach conclusions quickly, and produce reasons later only to justify what we've already decided.  He even references demand-resistance, though not by that name.

In a split second, Person B's "gut reaction" is that s/he doesn't like Person A's wild nail polish plans. It's not based on facts or logic, though s/he may truly believe it is. S/he doesn't like it, therefore it's wrong, therefore s/he must convince Person A that it's wrong. Her/his verbal response may be:

• I can't believe you wasted your money [or our money] on something so stupid.
• That color is so ugly.
• Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
• You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
• Did you forget we have plans this weekend? When did you think you were going to do this wild manicure scheme?
• I don't suppose you remembered to pick up the Whoosits I asked you to get, did you?
• I wish something so shallow and superficial made me happy.

Person B has changed the script. Whatever Person A replies now, the only correct response for Person B has become, "I accept your opinion/displeasure/dominance, and will no longer proceed to paint my nails this color."

JADEing is an attempt to return to the first script.

Person A really does want Person B's approval, or at the very least, tolerance and not disapproval. JADEing assumes that the issue is a failure in communication, that Person B can be won over, if only the right reasons are presented.

But because Person's B's reaction is emotional, not logical, no matter how many of her/his arguments get shot down, s/he will come back with more, because s/he knows it is wrong for Person A to wear that nail polish.

The issue is not (and never was, really) about a minor fashion choice. It's about whose opinion/wish gets validated.

The only way the conversation can end is if either Person A or Person B realizes that the script is not going to be followed, and exits the circular conversation, because the relationship is more important than "winning" their point.

JADEing is about getting sucked into a power struggle.

[Justifying]
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're always splurging. Don't you think a homeless person would have appreciated you dropping the money in his cup?
Person A: I am not always splurging, I haven't bought anything for myself in months, and I give plenty of money to homeless people and charity.
Person B: If you have any left after wasting your money on ugly nail polish.

[Arguing]
Person B: That color is ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: Just because it looks good on a garden shed doesn't mean it's a good color for nail polish. It'll make your hands look like a corpse.
Person A: It will not. I've never seen a corpse with robin's egg blue nails.
Person B: Like you're an expert on dead bodies?

[Defending]
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: Oh, so Ann Romney is a fashion icon now? And your role model?
Person A: She's a lovely woman. I don't have to agree with her politics to notice she's attractive.
Person B: I got news for ya, sweetheart, she pays a lot for that hair, wardrobe, and makeup. You think you're in that league?
Person A: It's not an entire wardrobe, it's a bottle of nail polish, for Pete's sake!
Person B: So you think you can accomplish with one bottle of nail polish what she needs an entire staff of top stylists to pull off? Good luck with that!

[Explaining]
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I can still smell it on you when you come in.
Person A: Fine, I'll stay out an extra 15 minutes to make sure any smell has disappated.
Person B: I don't understand why you can't just let your nails stay their natural color.
Person A: It's fun, it's a quick and easy way to feel young and pretty.
Person B: *snorts* They say there's no fool like an old fool.

Eventually, Person B may get her/his way - persuading Person A not to wear the nail polish. Or, Person A may wear it anyway, but all the joy will have been sucked out of doing so. When JADEing mode is entered, neither party feels heard or satisfied.

Let's try cutting JADE off at the pass.

Here's some ways Person A can end the circular conversation.

Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: What one person considers wasteful, others consider a necessity. Sounds like you're in a sour mood; want to tell me about it?

Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: I'm sorry you think so, but I like it. What movie shall we see this weekend?

Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A [joking]: Crap, you've discovered my secret identity; grandparent by day, Grandmaster Trendsetter by night.

Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: You do seem to get a lot of headaches. What does your doctor say about that?


Here's some ways Person B can end the circular conversation.

Source: Uploaded by user via Pao on Pinterest

Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're right, I'm sorry I called it stupid. I'm sure I've spent as much or more money on things you'd consider silly, too. We're all entitled to splurge once in a while.



Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: You know, you're right. I do like that color on the garden shed, and I am sure I will get used to it on you, because you make everything beautiful.

Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: You know, you're right. I'm sorry I said you were too old. I think I'm too old, to get used to all these new fashions - but you'll be patient with me, won't you?  [joking] Have you seen my buttonhook around?

Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I don't think I've given you enough credit for doing that, and I do appreciate it. Sometimes, though, the odor is still really intense for me when you come inside. Would you be offended if I went into another room or let you know it still was too strong for me?


It takes time, practice, and above all, awareness, to realize you (or another person) have gotten sucked into a JADEing loop, which becomes not hearing, respecting, or validating the other person, but "I must win this point."

If an argument or discussion ends with one party feeling deflated, stupid, or disrespected, then both parties have lost, even the person who thinks s/he "won."

Relationships are not supposed to be wars. A successful relationship is where the goal is not that one person wins, and the other loses, but that both win.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Workaholism and Your Mate

Santa Barbara pier

This post continues with The Costs of Workaholism: The Poisoning of Personal Relationships - Workaholism and Your Mate from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Workaholism and Your Mate

As for your spouse, workaholism may not cause problems if you're both comfortable spending only limited time together. But when this is not the case, one partner's workaholism can make the other's life a lonely purgatory. Resentful, angry spouses often find ways of retaliating by withholding affection, undercutting their partner's standing with the children, having affairs, spending too much money, or otherwise making their discontent manifest. They may ultimately seek a divorce.

<snip> too much work is likely to take its toll on your sex life. <snip> The sex researchers cite, " the kinds of husbands and wives who relentlessly search for new ways to occupy their time and use their energies - making more money, advancing in a career, caring for children, improving homes, doing community work, accumulating possessions - in short, doing anything that feels like work... In that scheme of things, a sexual relationship has virtually no place. Coitus does because it is translated into a task, a chore, an obligation, a performance, something to be done."

***

We've all seen the ads - the couple on a sunset patio, holding hands from their side-by-side bathtubs. Ridiculous, of course, and yet... what the ads are selling isn't really boner pills. It's the idea of intimacy, closeness with one's partner, sharing an experience.

Sex can be a big part of that, but not if you turn it into a chore. Or into, "I'm in the mood, right now, so let's do it, right now." Not that I, personally, mind a quickie here and there, but other times I need a little time to get my motor running. I want the hand-holding and sunset walks on the beach.

 A couple years before we split up, my ex and I took a trip up the California coast. I got my sunset walk on the beach - only I didn't, because he wouldn't walk with me. No hand-holding, no sharing the moment, just two people who happened to be in the same place at the same time.

Sunset at Pismo Beach.
Not even close enough to capture both our shadows in the same picture.

Oh, we did have moments on the trip when we did connect - overall, it was a very good trip - but always on his terms, if and when he wanted. There was little mutuality. Most of the time, we'd be twenty, thirty feet apart, wherever we went.  (And there were the times when he had a total meltdown and behaved horribly, including one evening out with a couple of his friends at a restaurant.)

He never saw these guys at all, because he was off having a snit fit  about what restaurant we were going to eat in, and when I beckoned him to come over, I believe he flipped me off and walked in the opposite direction.

I am less lonely now, without a boyfriend, than I was when I was with him.

Do you value work over your partner, or know someone who does?
Has your sex life become another item on the to-do list?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 5 - Are You Demand-Resistant? & Overcoming Demand-Resistance

This post continues with Are You Demand-Resistant? and Overcoming Demand-Resistance from Chapter Five.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

 Are You Demand-Resistant?

Many people are consciously aware of and frustrated by the results of their demand-resistance - their chronic lateness, for example, or the trouble they have with expressing emotion. <snip>

Demand-resistance is a chronic and automatic negative inner response to the perception of pressure, expections, or demands (from within or without).  <snip>

<snip> Observe your uneasy feeling when somebody asks you to have something by a given date.  Notice your reluctance when it's time to begin the work.  Watch yourself procrastinate.  And ask yourself, What's making this so hard?  Why am I hesitating?

Ask yourself why you feel annoyed about having to carry out a legitimate request, why it's so difficult to do the things on your list, why going to Spanish class feels a little more burdensome each night.  If you don't have a plausible answer to such questions, demand-resistance may be a problem for you.  Even if you can come up with plausible reasons for balking, they don't necessarily rule out demand-resistance as the true culprit.  Remember that this phenomenon is deeply unconscious, and you might well be rationalizing your behavior, so scrutinize your reasons carefully.  I can't tell you how many times people have told me they avoid sex because they're just too tired in the evening, or they postpone projects because it isn't a good time to start them, or they are having trouble getting through tasks because the head of the department is obnoxious - only to discover later that even when the same conditions persist, they are able to change their attitudes and behavior.


Overcoming Demand-Resistance

The most important step in overcoming demand-resistance is recognizing the demand-resistance consciously as it is happening.  Oddly, I find that many people are able to make changes as soon as they are able to recognize what's occurring.  One patient, for example, told me, "It's just too much trouble, too overwhelming, to write the thank you notes for my wedding gifts.  It feels impossible!"  But as soon as she said this, she laughed and said, "But it's not impossible!  It's not all that terrible.  It's crazy to tell myself that."  She then went home and wrote the notes.

I wish it were always that easy to spot and discard a demand-resistant behavior.  It isn't.  (that particular patient just happened to be "ready.")  But something else that should help you is to start paying attention to the number of times you think, feel, or say "I should" or "I have to" rather than "I want."  If you are demand-resistant, this way of thinking is a self-protective habit that has grown out of proportion, causing you needless pain and undermining your sense of autonomy.<snip>

To change the pattern, you'll need to reconnect with the "I want" aspect of everything you do.  Catch yourself thinking "I should" or "I have to," and challenge those thoughts.  Stop telling yourself "I have to" unless you're certain that's the case.  Don't let the ownership of your life slip away.  Realize that even when you are pressured to do something, the decision to comply or not is entirely yours.

<snip> Little by little, an increased awareness of the "I want" part of the things you do - neglected for so long - will help you too feel a more solid sense of who you are.  Work won't feel as burdensome.  You'll no longer feel like an unwilling victim.  You'll bring more energy and creativity to your activities.  Keep asking yourself, "What do I want?" about even the simplest things.  I don't guarantee a clear answer every time, but it's amazing how often one will materialize if you practice.

***

One of the things my ex had a real problem with was saying, "I want."  We had many fights because I would use that language, and then he would scold me for being selfish, etc.  Finally I explained to him, "Look, this is what grown-ups do.  We both put it all out there on the table.  I say, I want A.  You say, well I want B.  Then we work together to see that each of us gets what we want, but we can't even get there if we both don't start with 'I want.'"

What I understand better now, is he was so wrapped up in demand-resistance and being a martyr, he often didn't know what he 'wanted.'  And why should my selfish 'wants' trump what was The Right Thing To Do?

I'm not sure if a partner is able to help someone who is unaware battle demand-resistance.  Boundaries and other tools can help with things like the Crazy Rules, but the person who is constantly converting desires and urges into work - because Work is Good, Fun is Selfish has to find a way to battle that him or herself.

Since I've learned about this, I've become more aware of my own demand-resistance.

Realizing that all work and no play is a sign of MENTAL DISORDER

has helped me make room for play with less, if not no, guilt.Can you catch yourself in the moment reverting to demand-resistance?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 5 The Ruination of Leisure & The Ruination of Relationships

We probably don't want to knit this sweater for the hubs.
Even if he'd look cute in it.

This post continues with The Ruination of Leisure and The Ruination of Relationships from Chapter Five.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

 THE RUINATION OF LEISURE

Perhaps even sadder than its impact on his work is the damage demand-resistance can inflict on the obsessive's experience of his leisure-time activities.  One painful conversion of "wants" into "shoulds" is that at some point the obsessive comes to regards even potentially joyful activities as burdens.  An obsessive may take up up a project or hobby with a pleasant sense of anticipation.  But somehow "I'd like to knit my husband a sweater" becomes "I really ought to work on that sweater" - something that should be done, exactly like an external demand.  The person begins to slog through the project, rather than relaxing and enjoying the chance to be creative.  Sometimes this unconscious resistance doesn't affect the actual performance of the task, but often it does.  For instance, the person may begin procrastinating.  In extreme case it can lead to the abandonment of one hobby or personal goal after another.  <snip>

THE RUINATION OF RELATIONSHIPS

Besides work and spare-time activities, relationships can also suffer from the quirky pressures of demand-resistance.  These pressures can interfere with everything from the start of a relationship to the maintenance of an ongoing one.

For instance, Judy happened to mention that she really liked another woman at the hospital where she worked.  Yet she reported feeling "scared" by the other woman's obvious friendliness.  "I don't want to make a commitment of friendship to her right now.  I don't want to set up expectations - I don't want her to come to expect my time or energy.  I don't like to feel that people have claims on my time," Judy said.  Even the thought of such demands made her feel panicky.  "I just want out.  I feel in danger of being smothered.  To be around people, I have to do it on my terms instead of shared terms or their terms."

<snip> Demand-resistance may plague even established relationships.  It can sabotage isolated interpersonal exchanges, as it did for the patient who told me about a trip he had just taken with his wife.  Even though he had liked their hotel, "When my wife raved about our room, I felt her statement as a demand that I agree with with her.  And I couldn't bring myself to say, 'Yes, I like it too.'"

<snip> Sheila felt a lingering hurt and anger when she underwent major surgery and her husband, Gary, acted cool and distant.  Why did he behave that way?  Not because he didn't love her or was insensitive to her need for nurturance, but because he recoiled from the expectation that he give such nurturance.  <snip>

Often they will harbor resentment towards the people, institutions, or rules they feel demand them to behave a certain way.

***

If you're seeing light bulbs and hearing bells go off - BUY THIS BOOK.  There are lots more good snippets here to illustrate this point that I can't fully type out, but I suspect you will refer to, over and over again.

I tend to convert too many of my own "wants" into "shoulds," when it comes to crafting, or even keeping up this blog.  I am learning to let go and not overwhelm myself with expectations, to enjoy and share when I am in a position to learn and grow with you, my readers.  :-)

However, when I first read this book, this chapter rang bells and flashed lights like a fire truck for me.  My ex found a way to ruin almost all his leisure activities (and assume a martyr attitude about them).  If I indicated I liked something too much, he had to take the opposite position (see the story of the teriyaki chicken in a previous Too Perfect post).  Somehow, he couldn't let me "win," or even share as part of a win-win scenario, as in the example of the hotel room.

I have heard so many stories where the partner of an OCPDr becomes ill or injured, and the person with OCPD is angry and resentful about taking him/her to the emergency room with a broken arm.  Almost an attitude of "How dare you put me through this!" so that the person who has broken a bone, suffered appendicitis, lost a parent, etc., is not only dealing with his/her own pain and fear, but tantrums and attitude from the partner.

It is distorted thinking that does not allow for equality in a relationship, that cannot allow for give-and-take.  For Judy to resist a possible friendship with someone she liked because (horrors!) the other woman was friendly.  For a man to not ask a woman out, even though he likes her, because they've been introduced by mutual friends and he feels the need to resist.

Yes, it does destroy a romantic relationship.  I truly believe that, as much as a partner can work on him or herself in other areas, set good boundaries, learn not to take attacks personally, etc. that unaddressed demand-resistance is one of the poisons that will eventually kill the relationship.  The person who has it must come to be mindful of it and stop the knee jerk reaction of, "If that's what you want, I want something different," every single time.  It's that drip of water, wearing away even the strongest rock over time, as even the most patient, loving person grows weary of always being met with mindless opposition and lack of support.

Does demand-resistance affect your play-time, 
or that of someone you love?
Has demand-resistance damaged a friendship or love relationship?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 5 - Demands & Work Blocks; The Ruination of Work

from Ambro at Free Digital Photos

This post continues with Demands and Work Blocks; The Ruination of Work  from Chapter Five.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

 Demands and Work Blocks

I saw this in Jane, a fifty-one-year-old grant writer who came to me when she began to have trouble making progress on an assignment.  Jane had a very productive work history, so this development surprised and upset her. <snip>

Although she normally chose her own projects, this one had been assigned by her supervisor.  At first Jane rejected the notion that this one factor could be the cause of her trouble.  She conceded that by all standards, the assignment had been a reasonable one, and while she didn't find the project particularly exciting, neither could she truthfully say it was repugnant.  And it clearly fell within her sphere of responsibility.<snip>

<snip> She was soon able to see how, with her boss and with me, her resentment and balking were not only unreasonable but self-damaging.  That is, they were obstacles to what she wanted to do and were undermining her success (although she was totally unaware of their influence.)

<snip> What begins as an effective means of self-protection becomes overdeveloped, indiscriminate, or automatic.

THE RUINATION OF WORK

In the area of work, demand-resistance need not take the form of a full-blown block to be damaging.  Work may simply weight heavily on the obsessive, or she may have trouble concentrating.  She may feel a festering resentment that saps her creativity and enthusiasm.  Eventually she may have trouble motivating herself to do more than the minimum of what is required of her.  And her projects often wind up bearing the subtle mark of her resentment - coming in late, or with some small detail omitted, or in a form slightly different from what was requested.

You might be thinking that every employee sometimes resents being asked to do unpleasant tasks or having to carry out the wishes of superiors.  That's true.  The demand-resistant worker, however, is apt to sense demands that aren't even there, and to dread or drag his feet on tasks that aren't at all unpleasant.  He's also likely to find himself feeling burdened by jobs he initially wanted to do.  Even self-employed obsessives can experience inner demands as somehow coming from the outside.  With no boss or supervisor to blame, they focus their resentment on the work itself, their clients, or their dependents (who are "making" them work).

When demand-resistance sabotages their on-the-job performance, many obsessives start to feel demoralized because normally they take pride in their ability to work effectively.  For many, the "solution" to this dismaying turn of events is to rationalize the resentment of, and alienation from, their work in ways that enhance rather than hurt their self-image. <snip> The obsessive tells himself he's a victim of exploited conscientousness.  <snip>  "...No one appreciates my efforts and, worse, they're wasted, because the system is sloppy and inefficient."  His feelings of victimization explain his negative attitude towards his work, and meanwhile, the real culprit, his demand-resistance, goes undetected.

***

I think I have normal demand-resistance.  When a supervisor wants me to say, do Task A this morning, when in my mind I am already working out how I'm going to do Task B, it's something of a mental and emotional wrench for me to shift gears.  Sometimes it's easier for me than other times; and sometimes I will negotiate, "I'm working on Task B, and I have to have it by 1:00; can I do Task A  later on?"

My ex, on the other hand, expressed extreme demand-resistance.  Not to a supervisor - he hadn't worked in many years, but when he did talk about his prior employer, there were many stories sprinkled in about how they wanted him to do a project in X way, and he insisted on doing it Y way, or not giving up on something until it was tested to his satisfaction.

As someone who was basically self-employed, he would assign himself tasks - and drag them out.  Avoid others altogether.  And pretty much anything I suggested he do re: home projects was a non-starter, even if he had brought it up himself.  For example, he might say, "I should clean up and sell my ATV" (which hadn't been taken off-road in 20 years, and was taking up a fair amount of space in the garage).  I might agree mildly, and then at a later date, suggest we take a look at the Recycler or Craigslist to get an idea of the going price for said ATV.

Six years later, he still hadn't found the time to even begin determining its fair market value, let alone  think about cleaning it up, taking a farewell ride, or placing an ad.  In the beginning, when I didn't know about OCPD or demand-resistance, I thought perhaps he just needed a little nudging and encouragement.  By the end, I realized that even my agreeing with him about a project made him much less likely to do it (though he managed to resist and postpone plenty of things without my  input).  I felt too emotionally exhausted (and resistant, myself) to play the "reverse psychology" game.

And boy oh boy, was he full of resentment about his heavy workload, and how overworked and unappreciated he was - though he "worked" at home, and I was working 40 hours a week plus doing all the grocery shopping.  I also did the dishes every night, vacuumed, dusted, and cleaned the bathroom on the weekends.

Does demand-resistance affect your work, or that of someone you love?
Do you know someone who's lost a job or 
become unemployable due to demand-resistance?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 5 - Demand-Sensitivity & Demand-Resistance

This post continues with Demand-Sensitivity and Demand-Resistance from Chapter Five.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

 Demand-Sensitivity & Demand-Resistance

This section opens with three anecdotal stories - the first about a woman who postpones going to bed or making love with her husband - although she always enjoys their lovemaking, and is afraid if their sex life continues to deteriorate, her husband will become interested in other women.  The second is about a man who stays up late watching TV, even though he's physically exhausted and not interested in the programs, leaving him too tired to focus on his work and to do any household projects.

<snip> "I've learned not to come out and say it when I want Gordon to do something.  If I don't ask, he'll do it, but if I say something, I never know when I'll see some action.  I recently made the mistake of asking him to fill out his part of a credit application.  He said he would, and I know he wants the charge card, but that was three weeks ago.  He still says he's going to get to it, but somehow the right moment never seems to arise."

What's going on here?  What's preventing these people from doing things that each of them seemingly wants to do?

Many different factors could explain their behavior.  But in these particular cases, the two powerful factors were a special sensitivity to perceived demands of expectations, and a negative inner response to these demands.

 I call these two conditions "demand-sensitivity" and "demand-resistance."  Although they don't always occur simultaneously, they are related, and both frequently affect the obsessive person.

***

Sometimes, we "let" things get in the way of what we really don't want to do.  (Like filing, my nemesis.)  If you're reading this, on your computer, then you know as well as I do there are eight billion ways to waste time on the computer alone.  And then, whoops, oh how terrible, outta time!

But true demand-sensitivity and demand-resistance are about rebelling against things we truly do want to do.  Like making love.  Like the guy who wants the credit card but won't fill out his part of the application.  There's no good reason for his foot-dragging.  Is it the most fun you could ever have with a pen?  Probably not, but it's fifteen minutes and done, on to something else.

I've heard so many stories about OCPD parents who wouldn't read and sign kids' permission slips or homework acknowledgments, creating tremendous stress with their partners who get caught into a lose-lose scenario.  If they by-pass the demand-resistant parent for signatures, they are "cutting them out of the children's lives."  If they give them the papers to sign, and the other parents drag their feet, then they feel tremendous stress and pressure to get the thing done.

[Answer: offer the paperwork, with a deadline.  "Jimmy is taking this to school on Thursday morning.  I'm putting it right here, so you can review or sign it by Wednesday night, or it's going without your signature, your choice."  Then no "bugging, no reminders or pleas to get it done.]

Every person I know who's dealt with OCPD has some stories to tell about demand-sensitivity or demand-resistance, and there will be much more from Too Perfect on this subject in weeks to come. Speaking as a non, this was one of the things that drove me nuts about my ex - if I didn't broach something just right (whatever that is), he would refuse to do it, just because I'd asked him to.

It should not be treated as a cause for resentment if we ask each other to do things from time to time.  It's also okay to say no.  I recently heard from a FaceBook "friend" (from whom I hadn't heard in over a year) who "invited" me to help with her yard sale last weekend.  I thought, oh, hell no! but what I said was simply No.

Where the mental illness comes in is resisting/saying no to everything as a knee-jerk reaction.

Do you have knee-jerk reactions of demand-sensitivity or demand-resistance?
How are you overcoming that?

The Largest Hoard Begins With But A Single Piece of Crap



from My Mother-in-Law is Still Sitting Between Us.
used by permission
Please go visit for more insights (& pics) on hoarding

I didn't live in a Hoarding House, capital letters. 

I did live in a hoarding house, in progress.  I refused to live in a Hoarding House, but I could see the writing on the wall =  the boxes stacked in the garage.  Creeping into the computer room.  The non-functional TV on the floor of the bedroom.

When people (who've never dealt with hoarders) see news stories or hear about it, their reactions are usually, "I would never let it get so bad," they say.  "I would put my foot down."  They're not  meaning to be self-righteous, but they don't "get" how tightly those with a hoarding problem cling to their crap.  The few experts in the field have a very, very hard time trying to therapize hoarders to break the habit.

It's a very real mental disorder, although many hoarders live seemingly normal lives outside their homes or hoarding areas (some actually hoard in their cars, too.)

The Wheelchair

photo by Medical Products Direct

My OCPD ex devoted his life to caring for his elderly parents' lives in their last few years.  He bathed his mother and changed her diapers.  He spoonfed both parents as necessary.  When his father developed circulation problems, my ex did physical therapy with him, rubbed his legs, not giving up until the man regained partial mobility.  Ex's aunt loaned a wheelchair during this time, which had been used by her late husband.  Later, when ex's parents began their final decline, it was in constant use, especially for his father.  Shortly after his father died (at 96), ex b-f put the wheelchair in the garage.

This occurred in the first few months of our dating, when I was unaware of his OCPD.  Mostly, he seemed "normal" (honeymoon/courting stage) and I chalked up any quirky behavior as due to his loss and grief.  I truly thought him a hero, and in many ways, he was.

About two months after the father's funeral (the mother predeceased the father by about 4 months,) the elderly aunt came by while I was present.  The idea was to have the aunt sort through her deceased sister's clothing, prior to them being donated/sold, to see if she wanted anything. 

During the visit, she requested the return of her wheelchair.  Ex explained that it had been in the garage, and was currently all dusty and cobwebby, to please let him clean it up and return it to her at a future date.  Although it did occur to me that perhaps ex associated the wheelchair with his father, and had some trouble letting ago, I thought the clean-up excuse was not wholly unreasonable.

When he and I moved in together, over a year later... the wheelchair went from sitting in the garage of the parents' home, to sitting in the carport of our home.  Okay.  He'd had a lot on his plate, so it wasn't a priority, but surely within a few months, after we were settled in, we could clean it up, and make the trip (about 30 miles) to have a visit with the aunt and return the wheelchair.  No biggie.  So I assumed.

Shortly, as his OCPD behaviors flared out of control, the wheelchair became the least of my worries.  Still, I would make periodic attempts to get it returned, as it continued to sit in the carport, taking up valuable space, gathering more cobwebs, becoming more and more pitted with rust.

I tried reasoning, arguing, guilt, anger.  I tried mentioning it once a month; I tried not mentioning it for an entire year.  I tried bringing it up one year, early in May, as a suggestion for something we could do over the Memorial Day weekend; we could clean up the wheelchair, visit his aunt, and still have plenty of time for all the "normal" weekend activities that kept him so worried/busy (read, churning).

He wouldn't budge.  He didn't have time to clean it up; it had been used when his aunt bought it so it wasn't worth much anyway, and he was the one who'd put all the work into fixing it, so it wasn't like he was depriving her of something with much monetary value; it wasn't any of my business; what if he needed a wheelchair, didn't I know that he wasn't feeling very well?  However many times I brought it up, he had an excuse answer for why it simply wasn't possible at that time.

In retrospect, it's a classic example of how OCPD can become deeply conflicted when two imperatives collide.  On the one hand, the moral side - he verbally agreed with me that when somebody loans you something, you return it in as good or better shape as when you borrowed it.  And you always return what you've borrowed, even if it's a dog-chewed pencil with the lead missing.

Especially when the lender has asked for it back.  Returning something that belongs to someone else is the Right Thing To Do - and OCPD is all about always doing the Right Thing.

But then, there's Demand Resistance plus the OCPD hoarding compulsion.  (Note: It appears that in the upcoming DSM-V, hoarding will not be included as part of the diagnostic criteria for OCPD, but as its own illness.  While it's true that not all hoarders have OCPD, and not all of those with OCPD hoard, many do.  Of those with OCPD who don't hoard, many are the mirror opposite - they have a compulsive need to throw everything away.)

Hoarding, for some, seems to be tied to procrastination  (better not to do something at all, unless 100% convinced it can be done Right.)  To fear of catastrophe/future need. (What if I throw this away and need it later?)

Photo via The Concert T-shirt Etiquette Guide

Then there's the attachment most people have, to some degree, to inanimate objects.  Most of us have an old teddy bear or a favorite T-shirt, that has no practical use but we can't bear to throw away.  It's not the scrap of fabric, itself, but the memories that we don't want to let go.  When we look at that T-shirt, we are once again 18 years old, in a pack of friends screaming our lungs out for Dio or Black Sabbath or New Kids on the Block.

I can totally sympathize that perhaps in some subconscious way, ex b-f felt that the wheelchair = his father.  That it was really, really hard to let it go.  I did have a problem that, after nearly six years living together, seven years after his father's death, he still could not bring himself to return his elderly aunt's property.

Or, to get rid of a lot of other old things that were making our lives together worse, not better, and which, like the wheelchair, continued to gather cobwebs and were slowly rusting into the ground.

I wish I could tell you what the answer is.  In the end, I was not willing to live in a growing hoard.  Faced with the choice - get help, so he could understand why it was so difficult for him to let go of these things, or watch me walk out the door - he choose the hoard over me.  Despite the verbal and emotional abuse, despite so much that was terrible in our relationship, I would have been willing to stay and help him work on it, if only he had been willing to see a therapist and work on his issues.

He wasn't.

Now he has lost me, and his aunt passed away earlier this month, so he won't have to return the wheelchair. 

Somehow, I don't think he is any happier.

Do you have a hoarding story?

Do you keep, perhaps, too many items with sentimental value?

Too Perfect Tuesdays: Chapter One Continued

This post continues with more from Chapter One.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week.  Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.



Chapter One
The Obsessive Personality  (continued) 

If there is a single quality that characterizes obsessive people it is a powerful, unconscious need to feel in control - of themselves, of others, and of life's risks.  One of the primary ways in which this needs manifests itself is perfectionism.  A whole family of personality traits is rooted in these two needs - to be in control and to be "perfect."  These include:

• a fear of making errors
• a fear of making a wrong decision or choice
• a strong devotion to work
• a need for order or firmly established routine
• frugality
• a need to know and follow the rules
• emotional guardedness
• a tendency to be stubborn or oppositional
• a heightened sensitivity to being pressured or controlled by others
• an inclination to worry, ruminate, or doubt
• a need to be above criticism - moral, professional, or personal
• cautiousness
• a chronic inner pressure to use every minute productively

By my definition, someone is obsessive if his or her personality is predominantly colored by traits from this family - in any combination.  Many of these traits, when they aren't exaggerated or rigid, are valuable qualities.  It's hard to imagine someone succeeding in our society today without some degree of self-discipline, for example, or some desire to work hard and avoid errors.  But some people are "too perfect."  The obsessive traits in their personality are so dominant and inflexible that these virtues actually cause a host of problems.

<snip> I see how unaware most obsessives are that they're harming themselves; they recoil from any hint that their heavy burdens could be self-imposed.  Most have grown up believing that you can never be too careful, hardworking, thorough, prepared or organized.  In fact, they're often proudest of the very traits that cause them the most harm.

The book goes on to tell stories about people coming to see the doctor for physical symptoms, or because a partner insisted they get help, not because the Perfectionists recognized any problem with their lifestyle or attitudes.  It tells about Laura, who took on a crushing workload, refused to delegate tasks, and felt she had to be all things to all people.  About Raymond, a workaholic surgeon who wouldn't open up about his own feelings, bullied his wife and passed judgment on everything from her cooking to her political opinions, and then was heartbroken when she embarked on an affair because she felt lonely and unloved.

***

I can relate to Raymond's wife.  When my ex b-f would cry, I would reach out my arms to hold him, and he would either barely tolerate it, or shrug me off.  When I would have a bad day or bad dream, he would never spontaneously hold me or ask me to talk it out.  Sometimes when I specifically asked for it, he would hold me or let me talk about some feelings; other times even when I asked he'd turn me down, or give me a short, wooden hug.  It's very hard not to take that kind of emotional rejection personally.



from Andrew Petro - Creative Commons

 Everyone I've met on chat boards can tell a story about a couch/car/bed that took years to purchase, because the Perfectionist had to get the right one.  No matter how old, broken, uncomfortable or the old one was.  (2+ years for our couch.)  About frugality beyond making sense, about traumatic scenes because a routine may have been interrupted.  The horror! 

And the rules, the rules, the rules!  Almost everyone has a story of the Crazy Rules. 

Demand-Resistance and demand sensitivity - there will be more on that to follow, but even a perceived demand may meet with an automatic no.  (For example, many partners resent doing something for Valentines' Day, because they feel it's expected of them by society, whether or not their partner has asked for special treatment, and then exhibit resentment to their partners for the implied "demand.")  There's a lot of withholding of feelings that goes on, of not feeling trusted or supported.

Checking for fleas again:  I'm frugal, for the most part (I do use every fragment of paper on my steno pads!) but will not, as many Perfectionists do, eat dicey leftovers to save a few dollars.  The potential cost of getting sick and missing work, of having to go to the doctor or emergency room, to my way of thinking, outweighs the pain of throwing away fifty cents worth of food that might still be good.

I do tend to reflexively take the devil's advocate position, which is certainly an oppositional trait.  Hmmm.  I believe in following rules when they make sense, but don't believe any rules are always right.  One should obey the speed limit, for example, but what if you've got somebody in your car in dire straits and you're rushing her to the hospital?  I do feel that pressure to be productive all the time, but I also make myself take down time, and I'm learning not to feel quite so guilty about it.

What your flea count?  Do you have a furniture purchase from hell story?

Tell me about it in the comments.