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| Colourful nail polishes (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
If you've ever been in an amateur play situation, you understand the concept of scripts: Person A says line 1, Person B says line 2. If Person B forgets line 2, Person A will repeat his/her line, or rephrase it in certain ways, trying to prompt Person B to remember and say line 2.
In a disordered conversation, it's like Person A and Person B are working from two different scripts.
What Person A is hoping for in response could go in any number of directions:
- Ooh, what a gorgeous color! Can you do mine, too?
- You're always doing something wild and crazy. [If said with affection]
- That's going to look great on you.
- When I was growing up,women only painted their nails in shades of red. All the different colors still look strange to me, but I've noticed many women wearing them. [An invitation to a discussion about changing fashions.]
- Alrighty then.
Basically, Person A wants any response that says, "I hear you, I love you, I support you, I approve of you."
But what if, for whatever reason, Person B freaks out?
I recently read psychologist Jonathan Haidt's The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion
. In this book he brings compelling evidence that we reach conclusions quickly, and produce reasons later only to justify what we've already decided. He even references demand-resistance, though not by that name.
- I can't believe you wasted your money [or our money] on something so stupid.
- That color is so ugly.
- Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
- You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
- Did you forget we have plans this weekend? When did you think you were going to do this wild manicure scheme?
- I don't suppose you remembered to pick up the Whoosits I asked you to get, did you?
- I wish something so shallow and superficial made me happy.
Person B has changed the script. Whatever Person A replies now, the only correct response for Person B has become, "I accept your opinion/displeasure/dominance, and will no longer proceed to paint my nails this color."
JADEing is an attempt to return to the first script.
Person A really does want Person B's approval, or at the very least, tolerance and not disapproval. JADEing assumes that the issue is a failure in communication, that Person B can be won over, if only the right reasons are presented.
But because Person's B's reaction is emotional, not logical, no matter how many of her/his arguments get shot down, s/he will come back with more, because s/he knows it is wrong for Person A to wear that nail polish.
The issue is not (and never was, really) about a minor fashion choice. It's about whose opinion/wish gets validated.
The only way the conversation can end is if either Person A or Person B realizes that the script is not going to be followed, and exits the circular conversation, because the relationship is more important than "winning" their point.
JADEing is about getting sucked into a power struggle.
[Justifying]
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're always splurging. Don't you think a homeless person would have appreciated you dropping the money in his cup?
Person A: I am not always splurging, I haven't bought anything for myself in months, and I give plenty of money to homeless people and charity.
Person B: If you have any left after wasting your money on ugly nail polish.
[Arguing]
Person B: That color is ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: Just because it looks good on a garden shed doesn't mean it's a good color for nail polish. It'll make your hands look like a corpse.
Person A: It will not. I've never seen a corpse with robin's egg blue nails.
Person B: Like you're an expert on dead bodies?
[Defending]
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: Oh, so Ann Romney is a fashion icon now? And your role model?
Person A: She's a lovely woman. I don't have to agree with her politics to notice she's attractive.
Person B: I got news for ya, sweetheart, she pays a lot for that hair, wardrobe, and makeup. You think you're in that league?
Person A: It's not an entire wardrobe, it's a bottle of nail polish, for Pete's sake!
Person B: So you think you can accomplish with one bottle of nail polish what she needs an entire staff of top stylists to pull off? Good luck with that!
[Explaining]
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I can still smell it on you when you come in.
Person A: Fine, I'll stay out an extra 15 minutes to make sure any smell has disappated.
Person B: I don't understand why you can't just let your nails stay their natural color.
Person A: It's fun, it's a quick and easy way to feel young and pretty.
Person B: *snorts* They say there's no fool like an old fool.
Eventually, Person B may get her/his way - persuading Person A not to wear the nail polish. Or, Person A may wear it anyway, but all the joy will have been sucked out of doing so. When JADEing mode is entered, neither party feels heard or satisfied.
Let's try cutting JADE off at the pass.
Here's some ways Person A can end the circular conversation.
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: What one person considers wasteful, others consider a necessity. Sounds like you're in a sour mood; want to tell me about it?
Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: I'm sorry you think so, but I like it. What movie shall we see this weekend?
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A [joking]: Crap, you've discovered my secret identity; grandparent by day, Grandmaster Trendsetter by night.
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: You do seem to get a lot of headaches. What does your doctor say about that?
Here's some ways Person B can end the circular conversation.
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're right, I'm sorry I called it stupid. I'm sure I've spent as much or more money on things you'd consider silly, too. We're all entitled to splurge once in a while.
Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: You know, you're right. I do like that color on the garden shed, and I am sure I will get used to it on you, because you make everything beautiful.
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: You know, you're right. I'm sorry I said you were too old. I think I'm too old, to get used to all these new fashions - but you'll be patient with me, won't you? [joking] Have you seen my buttonhook around?
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I don't think I've given you enough credit for doing that, and I do appreciate it. Sometimes, though, the odor is still really intense for me when you come inside. Would you be offended if I went into another room or let you know it still was too strong for me?
It takes time, practice, and above all, awareness, to realize you (or another person) have gotten sucked into a JADEing loop, which becomes not hearing, respecting, or validating the other person, but "I must win this point."
If an argument or discussion ends with one party feeling deflated, stupid, or disrespected, then both parties have lost, even the person who thinks s/he "won."
Relationships are not supposed to be wars. A successful relationship is where the goal is not that one person wins, and the other loses, but that both win.
Your thoughts?
