Too Perfect Tuesdays - Epilogue

This post concludes with the Epilogue.

This series has looked at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Epilogue

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.   ~Mark Twain
In summary, the obsessive personality style is a system of many normal traits, all aiming toward a common goal: safety and security via alertness, reason, and mastery. In rational and flexible doses, obsessive traits usually favor not only survival, but success and admiration, as well.

The downside is that you can have too much of a good thing. You are bound for serious difficulties if your obsessive qualities serve not the simple goals of wise, competent, and enjoyable living, but an unrelenting need for fail-safe protection against the vulnerability inherent in being human. <snip>

<snip> The single most important step is one you can take right now: acknowledge that the source of much of your unhappiness may not be your boss, the state of the economy, your spouse's shortcomings, but something within you! Acknowledge that the main obstacles to feeling fulfilled in your relationships, work, or leisure (if you have any) may be such things as your perfectionism, workaholism, rigidity, and other overdeveloped obsessive characteristics.

<snip> ...please understand that this book [nor this blog] is not a substitute for therapy with a competent professional. <snip> With or without professional assistance, your most important means to progress will be, quite simply, sustained hard work. But then that's your strong suit, isn't it?

***

Is it difficult to find a therapist who understands OCPD/Anankastic Personality Disorder? Yes. Many, many mental health professionals have never even heard of such a beastie, or confuse it with OCD.  Here's one true story:

My DH was diagnosed by a neuro-psychiatrist. He had extensive bloodwork, CT scan, several days of urine collection, significant assessment type "tests", and even his mother had to respond to a lot of questions about what he was like as a child. Even with all of that, he was diagnosed with OCD. It wasn't until I joined his yearly psychiatrist visits that I raised the issue of OCPD and the doctor concurred.  

It seems very difficult to determine OCPD unless someone close to the patient (in his inner circle) is able to answer many questions regarding the treatment they receive and observe on a daily basis. My experience has been that DH thinks he is wonderful and would never consider himself an arrogant, nasty, obnoxious person (at times) with underlying anger with almost constant anxiety and intermittent depression.

An obsession with creating and enforcing order,
and being RIGHT, is more about OCPD than OCD.

It's frustrating, trying to find a professional who can help you, who understands that OCPD is not OCD, but it is worth the effort.  Even if the mental health professional doesn't know or understand the condition, yet, it is still possible that s/he may have some effective strategies that make life a little easier.  For the partner or child of an affected person - go, go go!

Now this? OCD all the way, baybee.

I think counseling saved my life, certainly my sanity, during a time when I was losing it.  I don't mean to denigrate the efforts of friends and family - they are invaluable as a support system.

Yet sometimes there are things we don't want to tell them, out of fear/shame, or just not wanting our (perhaps dysfunctional) family all up in our business.  We might tell less than is helpful - because we don't want to be judged and scolded, or because we don't want them to hate our partner.  Likewise our friends.  If our situation is so painful, they don't "get" why we don't leave.  Or they offer suggestions that might work  - when both people are "normal." Things like "Just be patient," or "Go ahead and let him/her have his way," which Does Not Work when one partner in the relationship is dysfunctional.

They also tend to take our side, whereas a good mental professional will call us on our sh-t - and sometimes, we need a neutral referee to tell us, "You blew it there." To help us through the exercises we need to become healthier in our interactions.

Let me reiterate - just because we might have an OCPD partner/parent/child/co-worker, does not mean that WE don't have our own hot messes that need attention.  So good therapy is essential for getting our own house(s) in order.

But if you are one of those people who is constantly irritated by an effed-up world that never does things The Right Way or up to your (extremely high and admirable) standards, if you believe your way of thinking is (always) a gift and you are surrounded by stupid, lazy people, you would be well served by seeking therapy with as open a mind as you can manage.

None of us have to live with constant emotional pain. Discomfort, sometimes, sure. Pain, no.

You deserve better. Go get it.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesday - Reinforce Positive Changes Sensitively

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 7 - Reinforce Positive Changes - But Do It Sensitively from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

7 - Reinforce Positive Changes - But Do It Sensitively
<snip> If your spouse, parent, co-worker or friend does begin to behave less obsessively, you need to realize that this is a real accomplishment that shows not only strength and courage, but a commitment to making your relationship better. Often it's an act of love.

<snip> Drawing attention to changes in the obsessive may make him uneasy. For one thing, he may still feel tentative about the changes, and too blatant an acknowledgment of them may make him feel more committed to maintaining them than he can tolerate.

You must also consider the impact of the obsessive's all-or-nothing thinking. If you react too strongly to the slightest improvement (if, for example, he comes home from work an hour earlier than usual), he may fear that you'll expect him to do it every night. If you comment favorably on his decreased demands for orderliness, again his anxiety might rise. He may think that now you'll expect him to change still more, and he may dig in his heels. <snip>

You'll probably do better to reinforce behavioral improvements in only the most subtle, gentle ways. Effective reinforcers vary from one person to another. Most people like such things as affection, praise, or sex, but not everyone. Some respond best to silence, food, or even distances. You have to tune into your obsessive and discern his or her specific reinforcers.

<snip> she identified some of her own behaviors that were pushing David away - pouncing gleefully upon any signs that he was leaning toward a stronger commitment, for instance. Instead Barbara learned to make little or no fuss when he showed signs of moving closer to her. In fact, she would redouble her efforts to maintain her own separate interests (as hard as that was for her initially).

<snip> She found that the more independence she achieved and the more fulfilled she became by her own separate interests, the stronger she became. Her mental picture of herself, who she was meant to be, became clearer and more cohesive. She also was more certain of what she wanted and didn't want, and about what she would and would not tolerate from David. Ultimately she felt more capable of taking care of herself should the relationship end. But that didn't happen. With less pressure on him, David became more comfortable with intimacy and with spending more time together. Eventually he was able to commit himself to engagement and finally marriage. His basic personality type didn't change; he remained fairly obsessive, while Barbara was not particularly so. Yet they were able to enrich both their lives by being together.

***

Some people have compared winning over an obsessive to courting a cat - I would go a step further and say it's like winning over a feral cat. Move too quickly, slobber over it too much, or try to drag it into your lap, and it's going to scram in the opposite direction, possibly after shredding you like a wheel of cheese as it exits.  Ignore it, and it may come check you out.

from Icanhazcheezburger

I've blogged here before about my mistake in praising a specific meal my ex made too highly; something he made at least 2-3 times each month in the first two years we lived together. My birthday was coming up, and he asked what I would like for dinner that night; I named that dish, and went into too much detail about how much I liked it, and how well he made it.  Demand-resistance kicked in; not only did he have excuses as to why he couldn't make it for me for my birthday, but in the following four years we lived together, he never made that meal again.

If you want sex, or physical affection, you might have to play hard to get, because the "normal" interactions of touching shoulders, arms, hands, etc., again may wake demand-sensitivity or demand resistance.  If a hoarder cleans out a drawer, a brief acknowledgment is probably better than excessive praise or discussion of when the next twenty drawers will be addressed.

If you want a "normal" relationship, you will not have one with an un- or undertreated obsessive person.  You will always have to move slowly, carefully, and sensitively, aware that s/he may take your foibles personally, and trying to keep in mind that hers or his foibles probably aren't personal.

I'm a "cat" person (though I like dogs, too). I've had many, over the years (though maximum of three at the same time; I'm not a crazy cat person). One cat I had nearly her entire life, from an eight-week kitten to when she died of thyroid disease at 15. In that entire time, she crawled into my lap maybe three times. She was super-shy and skittish with people, that was her temperament (though she got along fine with the other cat). There were times I barely saw her except at mealtimes, and if startled, I might not see her even at mealtimes for days. In her last three years, when she was in an affectionate mood, she might jump onto my bed and sleep at my feet, or curl up next to me when I was watching TV or crafting. I don't think she ever did the I-love-you/feed-me ankle-rub trick that most cats do.

That worked fine for me, with that cat. She was my cat, not an intimate partner. But I did want more, in an intimate partner. I wanted to not always have to be on guard, to not always be bandaging my scratches, to be able to give and receive affection freely and without reservation.  To be able to compliment a meal without worrying whether I had praised it/him too much and thus stressed him out with my unspoken expectations.

My ex couldn't give me what I needed in a relationship, although he did and does have many wonderful qualities. If you love an obsessive person, s/he may not be as extreme as my ex was - or might be even more so. You may not be as hurt or troubled by the behaviors as I was.  So your relationship may work fine.

Keep in mind, though, that all the work and love and patience and understanding in the world will not change a feral cat into a lap cat - and certainly won't change her/him into a tail-wagging, always happy-to-see-you isn't-my-master-wonderful dog.  Change yourself, first, as Barbara did, and many of us have learned the hard way.  Learn to be independent and how to maintain good boundaries, and then, from that viewpoint, you can more easily discern if the relationship is worth keeping, or whether you need to move on.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem & Independence

Be a dragon - fiercely guarding your independence.

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence

Many obsessives hate to be dependent upon anything or anyone; they equate dependency with vulnerability. Unconsciously they feel that allowing their lives to revolve around another person would leave them open to utter devastation - should the other person turn against them, for example, or stop loving them, or even die. As a result, most don't let themselves depend too heavily even upon their closest friends and lovers.

<snip> For one thing, if you've made yourself completely dependent upon him, the obsessive may feel that you've imposed on him the frightening or burdensome responsibility of being absolutely indispensable to your emotional well-being. Given his need for a sense of options and freedom, this may both frighten and anger him.

<snip>Another aspect of being emotionally dependent on a relationship is that your sense of worth comes to rely upon feedback from the other person. Even minor variations in that feedback may cause your self-esteem and sense of security to plunge or soar. You're really setting yourself up for emotional turbulence if you rely too heavily upon approval or praise from some obsessives, because they aren't particularly good at expressing these things. Remember: their style of perception is to notice and be bothered by what's not right with things. And their need to guard their emotions may make it hard for them to show positive feelings or appreciation.

Cross the bridge, if you dare!

<snip> Start by trying to rediscover who you are - who you were before you met the other person. Work on developing separate interests and then pursue them vigorously, just as you would have if you had not become involved at this time. Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.

As you struggle to establish your separate self, feelings of anxiety and insecurity may assail you. You may feel empty or isolated at first. You may worry that you are jeopardizing the relationship by not paying it enough attention. Fight these feelings!  Try to act as if you felt strong and safe. Don't let the other person get the idea that your happiness or security depends entirely upon reassurance from him or her. More important, don't you accept that notion as unalterable true, because it isn't.

What is true is that at some point your friend or lover could decide to end the relationship, and you have no control over that. Throughout this book, I've discussed self-defeating aspects of the obsessive's need for complete control. The same dynamic applies to you. The more you attempt to mold your relationship, the more vigilantly you watch over it, the more likely you are to poison it. In some respects, the commitment-fearing obsessive is like a cat: most likely to remain close to you when you're absorbed in your own interests and to scoot away when you embrace it too vigorously.

Learn to accept the fact that any relationship could end. Find a way to resign yourself to that possibility. It's true that it would be extremely painful, but in the vast majority of cases, that pain is temporary. Don't think for a moment that you couldn't get through it. You could. And just as you have before, you would eventually find happiness with someone else.

***

The reflection enhances the bridge,
but the bridge exists, even if there was no reflection.
You are the bridge, not the reflection.

Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.  To me, this is the key sentence of the entire book, for partners, children, siblings, and co-workers of a Perfectionist Personality.  (Though you need to read the entire book to "get" the full picture of why obsessives behave as they do, and why hoovering and being enmeshed doesn't make things better, but instead is gasoline on the fire.)

No matter how much time, energy, and effort you pour into a relationship, you yourself can't fix it. What you can do is make things better for yourself, rediscover who you are.

Maybe you liked to paint, or bake bread, or carve wood, and were dissuaded, over time, because your partner was dismayed by the mess. Reclaim that hobby.  Maybe you used to meet once a week with friends to discuss reading or writing, and gave it up because you were tired of coming home to World War Three. (I know I did.)  Put it back on your schedule. Maybe you love exploring local museums and gardens - get a friend, or go on your own, if your partner hates that kind of thing.

 It will be hard.  You will get blowback, Your partner may pout, throw tantrums, or try to sabotage your efforts to reclaim your soul. Do it anyway. 

look at the variety of color in these roses!

 Eventually they may see that no matter what they say or do, you're going to go for coffee with your girlfriends on Thursday nights, or spend Saturday mornings working on your classic car - whatever YOUR "thing" is, as long as you still leave time for family activities (don't go overboard and spend all your time on you), they have no grounds to complain.  They will probably complain anyway, and it will be hard, and you will feel exhausted at first, but over time, you will feel the abandoned garden of your life sprouting roses again.

Remember not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It is enough to tell your partner, "Honey, I've decided to rejoin my Sunday night writers' group, starting this weekend. I'll be leaving at 6:30 on those nights and home around 10:30."

"Why? "
"Because I want to."
"But we usually spend Sunday nights watching TV. I guess you don't love me anymore, if you don't want to spend any time together.  And how will you ever be ready for work on Monday morning when you're out partying with your friends till late Sunday night?"
"Hon? Love you, done talking about this."
"But-"
"Done. Talking."

A real Wisteria Lane.

Did I mention it will be hard? The enmeshment probably happened slowly, gradually, and now it is as deep-rooted as ivy that has choked off every inch of the garden.  You might not feel like you know who "you" are, anymore, but whatever roles you fill: daughter, sister, aunt, mother, wife, friend, co-worker - you are MORE than that. You need to tap down to the root of you, water and fertilize it.

As mentioned in Too Perfect, if you depend upon a person who's hard-wired to notice flaws, to notice and compliment all your good qualities, you are doomed to disappointment. You must find a way to fill yourself up, separate and apart from your interactions with that person, no matter who s/he is or how long your relationship has lasted (if it's a parent, it's been your whole life).

If you reclaim you, your relationship may survive; it may improve, or it may end. But if your relationship is built upon you killing and sacrificing everything you love to do, everything that feeds your soul and makes you feel good about yourself, then are "you" really in that relationship, anyway?

Your thoughts?All photos, except for the Too Perfect book link, were taken by the author
at Pasadena's Huntington Gardens.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Don't Pressure the Obsessive

via Flickr Creative Commons

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 5 - Don't Pressure the Obsessive from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

5 - Don't Pressure the Obsessive

What about when you want the obsessive to do something - anything from making a simple decision to changing some deeply entrenched pattern?

Be forewarned: any direct confrontation in which you try to force the other person to change is almost certainly doomed to failure. Your request or demand will only increase his inclination to assert his dominance or "rightness," escalating the power struggle.

<snip>He and a fellow lawyer were choosing between two available offices in a building they planned to share. Hal, my patient, was perfectly content to give his associate first choice, but the other man was vacillating, holding up Hall's move into the new quarters. Hal related one of their conversations:

"Once again, I asked him which one he wanted, and he told me he still couldn't decide. Since he'd been leaning toward number two, I told him that he could have it and I would take the other one. But he hit the roof, telling me that he hadn't said he wanted number two, and that the rent was higher. So I said, 'Okay. You take number one, and I'll take number two.'

"'Number one is too small.'

"'Would you rather I choose?'

"'No! I was here first, so I think I deserve first choice.'

"'Do you have any idea when you'll know which office you want?'

"'I don't know'."

via Flickr Creative Commons

At first, maybe the other man's goal really was, as he consciously believed, to pick the office that best suited his needs; secondarily, he may have enjoyed the sense of control he felt in making Hal wait. But when Hal pressured him, that changed. The associate became more invested in keeping the control, which he did by obstructing Hal.  The more impatient Hal got, the more determined the other was to delay his decision, because by now he as angry. He couldn't show it directly because he had no logical reason for it. So instead he unconsciously retaliated by blocking Hal.

I suggested that Hal try backing off completely - that he tell the associate to take his time and call whenever he had decided. When I saw Hal a week later, he said that given that leeway, his associate had decided instantly.

<snip>Instead of saying, "You must change," for example, make sure you're conveying, "I would like you to do this, for reasons x, y, and z." If you have to know your boss's plans by a certain date, tell him so, but be sure to explain why, so that he doesn't interpret your need to know as an ultimatum, a control play, or manipulation. Your reasons should always reflect your own needs, or your difficulty with the status quo, rather than a judgment about the obsessive's behavior. For instance, say, "If I don't find out your plans by such-and-such a time, I won't be able to obtain a reduced-rate ticket," not, "I hate it when you do this to me. You always make me wait, and it's so inconsiderate!"

<snip> While change in the obsessive must come from within, sometimes healthy, truly unilateral changes in one partner will inspire changes in the other. We aren't truly sure why this happens, but some would say that one person's chronic tardiness and its outcome - the partner's nagging and pushing him - is a recreation of some aspect of a childhood relationship, and that it suits some need in each party. This view says that one one refuses to continue in the role of nagging, disappointed, disapproving parent, the other loses his unwitting collaborator and drops the corresponding role.

***

via Flickr Creative Commons

Tiptoeing around The Right Way to approach the Perfectionist Personality can be a minefield.  

While yes, much tact is needed, and Mallinger's excellent suggestions to back off if possible, or to give the reason in a non-judgmental way do work much of the time, sometimes they don't.

My advice is, if you do your best to be tactful and non-pressuring, and your partner or parent blows up anyway, don't take it personally. I've heard of teens (or younger children) getting blasted because they had to get a parent's signature on a field trip permission slip or a report card by a certain date, and they didn't ask in the right way or at the right moment.  Now, perhaps they didn't use ultimate tact or timing, but they're kids - they shouldn't have to.

There are several families I know whose best working solution to time conflicts is to take two separate vehicles to most social events. Maybe the Perfectionist insists on being places twenty minutes early, no matter what, and frets over being asked to wait when he is ready to leave. Maybe the Perfectionist waits until the last minute to do her hair and is always running late.  Maybe one member of the household likes to hang around and socialize after church, and the other wants to head straight home the moment the service ends. By taking two vehicles, the power squabble about when to leave is averted, even if it creates a slightly bigger gasoline bill and a few raised eyebrows from family or friends. (If anyone even notices. Outsiders generally notice less about our internal family dynamics than we think they do, and they care even less, being busy with their own affairs.)

Some things, you have to jump on at the right moment - if you have a plane reservation at XX time, and there's a shuttle picking your family up at XX time to catch that reservation, you'll either make it or miss it, Sweetcheeks.  Other events, like a family car road trip - if your goal is leaving at five a.m., and instead you leave at five-fifteen, or even six, this is not a national disaster.

What is very true about this section of Too Perfect, is the observation when you change your habitual behavior, the dynamic in the relationship will change. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, sometimes it's not possible to determine in which direction it is, but it will be different.

When most people discover OCPD, and make an amateur diagnosis of their partner, parent, friend or co-worker, the first question is usually, "How do I change or fix this person?'

The answer, that you can't change other people, only yourself, feels weird, wrong, and counter-intuitive. Hey, they are the people with the problem! Whaddya mean, I have to change myself?

But it's true. First off, just because they (might) have a diagnosable mental disorder, does not mean those of us who chose to partner them, or work with them, or who are unchosen (siblings, children, parents, and so on) are totally disorder-free. We may very well have our own Issues ("Can you say co-dependence, boys and girls?"), and would do well to heed the Bible's advice about removing the beam from our own eye, as a first step.

Second, what we are looking to change is not really the other person, but the dynamics of our relationship with the other person.  Our relationship with this person, about whom we care deeply (or perhaps hate, in the case of the Boss from Hell), is currently very painful, and we want it to be Not Painful. Joyous, even.

There is no fairy wand we can wave and !Poof! The other person is no longer obsessive and perfectionistic.

But when we change the "ballet" we've worked out - and there always is one, when Person A says/does X, Person B replies Y - we are already shaking things up. Doesn't matter if we are Person A or Person B, if we change the way we approach or reply to another person, they are forced to rethink and change the way they interact with us.

Does it work?
Yes and no. It depends on what we are looking for.

If we hope there is some magic formula, that, when applied, will make a relationship with a disordered person (not counting the we ourselves may have disorders of our own) into a quote normal unquote relationship, then no, it doesn't work. What is possible (sometimes) is a relationship that is more tolerable and less painful for us.  Sometimes it may feel like what we consider normal, but we can never let our guard down, never assume that yippee, the problems are all better now. A disordered brain is like a roller skate that always wants to go left - it takes active awareness and effort to make it go right or straight, and the minute you let it go on autopilot, you end up going left again. If we are skating arm in arm with the person with the gimpy skate, we cannot blithely follow their lead.

And sometimes, the other person may become so frustrated and upset that we have chosen to make major changes in the relationship dynamic, that they choose to end it, altogether.  There are no guarantees (and sometimes, the partner of a disordered person might do anything and everything his/her partner requests, and the disordered person STILL ends the relationship).

If you are hurting, and the way your current relationship is "working" is not working, for you, isn't it worth trying a different approach?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Don't Be Pressured Into Disavowing Your Own Feelings and Preferences

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 4 - Don't Be Pressured into Disavowing Your Own Feelings and Preferences from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If  you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

4 - Don't Be Pressured into Disavowing Your Own Feelings and Preferences

Even if you can't win a debate demonstrating the superiority of your position, you are still entitled to your own view. You should feel free to assert that right.

Unless you're equally obsessive, you're probably no match for an obsessive in an argument. Obsessives spend their lives analyzing things; they're experts at it. But just because a course of action seems to be more efficient, practical, or logical to him or her, you still don't have to choose it. Don't be shamed or bullied into doing so. <snip>

<snip> If something truly conflicts with your values (e.g., a disagreement about how to handle your children, or some other important matter), listen to his arguments and think it over when you're alone. Then figure out what your position is, and reopen the discussion. Don't give in just to silence him or her. Don't be afraid to ask for time to think it over.

***

One of the biggest issues I had with my ex was him not being able to accept that we were different people, in different skins. When, in his opinion, there was no REASON for me to feel cold, he became highly offended when I felt cold, anyway.  Obviously I was just doing it to piss him off. I tried for two years to think myself warm, before deciding, "Screw this, I'm putting another blanket on my side of the bed."  After that I probably got an extra hour's sleep each night, which I badly needed, instead of lying in bed, too cold to fall asleep.

Chick Corea & Return to Forever via last.fm

We had many common interests and beliefs, but sometimes we diverged. We went to a Return to Forever concert. For him, it was like Jesus and the Beatles rolled into one concert. And I was delighted - for him, that he enjoyed it so. For me, meh. Parts of it I enjoyed, and I could appreciate the level of artistry and musicianship, but it wasn't my kind of music.  Again, he tried very hard to talk me into liking it more on the drive home.  He couldn't let it be that we could have different thoughts, feelings and tastes. He frequently claimed he could tell exactly what I thought and felt - and he was almost always wrong.

One of my friends related a story that once with her partner, they were discussing a favorite restaurant, and he was recalling how much she liked some particular dish. She gently corrected him, "It wasn't terrible, but actually, honey, I didn't care for it that much, and I wouldn't order it again for myself." This turned into a twenty-five minute harangue where he tried to convince her she really loved that dish, after all.

Is it worth fighting about for twenty-five minutes whether or not you loved the veal (or whatever it was)? Of course not. The best thing is to end the conversation, "Guess we'll have to agree to differ," and walk away if you have to.

If you simply cave in to avoid a fight, you're enabling the distorted thinking and boundary violation, plus you may be shivering in your bed, cold and resentful.  If you love someone with this condition, it is vital that s/he come to accept that you ARE different people, that you can have different tastes and preferences, and still the world will go on spinning.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Be Consistent and Trustworthy

Consistency (Photo credit: Matt Hampel)

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 3 - Be Consistent and Trustworthy from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

3. Be Consistent and Trustworthy
It's tempting to feign agreement with some obsessives just to get them to stop badgering you.  But this can backfire! Obsessives need to be able to feel they can trust you, either to say openly you're not going to comply (giving your reasons), or actually to follow through on your word. Even in the smallest things, most obsessives respond dramatically to any evidence they can't trust you.  They immediately wonder what other things you've been dishonest about. Can they believe you when you say you love them? Can they ever believe you or trust that you'll do what you agree to do?

<snip> One man stated, "I need consistency in my life - to the extent that that's possible. I feel it would be nice if I came home at night and found consistency there. If I'm told dinner will be at six-thirty and I get home to find it's not even started - "

"That only happened once!" his wife protested, <snip>

***

Here's where it gets tricky. I do agree with the author that we should never BS an obsessive partner or friend, "Yes, yes, of course I'll do it your way," when we have no intention of doing it his way.

But, as in the example above, no matter how hard we try, there will almost certainly be one night after 752 nights where he comes home and dinner isn't even started yet.  And that's what he  latched onto, not appreciating or recognizing the 751 nights where dinner was served at six-thirty on the dot.

Because of their own distorted thinking, OCPD'rs may say they want "consistency," but what they truly expect is inhuman perfection.  

And we can drive ourselves crazy trying to deliver it to them.

Being consistent and trustworthy is a great goal, but it is important not to beat up on ourselves when we turn out to be human and fallible from time to time.  (This is not to say that we use that as an excuse, either.)

I would also argue that "giving your reasons" why you're not going to deliver something s/he wants can too easily turn into JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining).  Better to stand your ground, "Yes, I understand you have a preference as to how you like the towels folded, but when I fold them, I'm going to do them my way. Nope, I don't need you to show me 'how to do it right.' When you fold them, you can do them your way; when I fold them, I'll do them my way."

via Suat Eman at FreeDigitalPhotos

I wish I had a dollar for every time my ex patiently explained to me that he couldn't believe I really loved him because... and then listed some tiny fault or task I'd overlooked, often from some years back. I've come to believe that a "non" can never be "consistent and trustworthy" enough to earn the trust of someone who is focused on finding a reason NOT to trust.

Somehow, he or she must come to a position of realizing that even when we do our best in some area, we're going to fail sometimes. That we still love them, and can be trusted, even if we insist on folding the towels the wrong way, or prepare dinner late once in a while.

Somehow, they have to learn that occasionally putting the toilet paper on the roll in the wrong direction is not the same level of betrayal as having an affair.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Recognize That They May Be Taking Your Quirks Personally

via imagerymajestic
from FreeDisitalPhotos

This post continues with Chapter 10 - Living With the Obsessive: 2 - Recognize That They May Be Taking Your Quirks Personally from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

  

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

2. Recognize That They May Be Taking Your Quirks Personally
When you resist dong things their way, some obsessives may interpret your lack of compliance as evidence that you don't care about them. <snip>

Hank, a forty-five-year-old engineer, and his wife, Sharon, both told me that one of their biggest problems sprang from Hank's terrible temper.  "He doesn't seem to realize when he's being unreasonable," Sharon said. "When he comes home from work, he looks around for things that haven't been done. Then he explodes at the kids [two teenage boys] and me. We're on the defensive so much of the time."<snip>

...all he asked in return was that they do "a few very easy things": attend to certain gardening tasks, for instance, or keep the contents of the silverware drawer straight. Hank saw these and a multitude of similar tasks as being self-evidently important, and he went to some lengths to get the others to agree that they needed to be done; that if one of the knives was pointing the wrong way, for example, someone could get hurt. <snip>

I challenged Hank to reexamine some of his premises. Would the world really end if the yard wasn't free of weeds, or the silverware didn't all point in the same direction? I urged him to acknowledge that he was requesting certain things because they were important to him, and not because it was objectively imperative that they be done. And even if his demands were reasonable, I asked, was being right worth alienating his family?

<snip> Hank finally began to understand that no matter how "right" he was about keeping things in order, all his arguments, lectures, rages, and logical "proofs" of the correctness of his positions were actually counterproductive. He acknowledged that not only were his demands not being met, but his family literally dreaded his presence. It finally struck home that no amount of logical argument could make Sharon experience the world exactly as he did, and that even when she and the boys yielded to his demands, they did so resentfully, and felt more alienated from him.

<snip> She also learned to avoid agreeing to do a task unless she was certain she really could and would do it, <snip>

***

To a certain extent, we all assume that other people see the world much the same way we do. That's why it can be a shock when somebody we love and respect espouses a really bizarre (to us) religious or political viewpoint.

Hank, above, was really bothered by the weeds, and he didn't see the task of weeding as any big deal. He didn't "get" that his wife Sharon, absolutely loathed weeding with a passion, considering it backbreaking drudgery, and secondly, she didn't see all the weeds the same way he did.

Via Flickr Creative Commons
Some see weeds and trash, others see art

Recently on one board the topic of "testing" arose - an OCPD'r putting something out of place - a leaf om the floor, a few pennies on the counter, etc., to "test" to see what other family members would do - and then blasting them if they didn't do "the right thing."  Something that came up with my ex, when he was sharing a kitchen with his sister, was a small spot on the counter from some dish she'd prepared.  I'm not sure whether the spot was grease, or gravy, or something else, but it was smaller than a dime.  He was damn well going to leave it there and test how long it took that slovenly sister of his to clean it up, though it bothered him for almost a week, until he couldn't stand it any longer.

via Carlos Porto at FreeDigitalPhotos

I remember reading in one piece of material (if I could remember where it was, I'd link it here) that for one obsessive person, you could go into his closet, and move the tail of ONE shoelace exactly one quarter inch, and not touch anything else in his closet, and he could go in there and immediately tell what was "wrong."  This is one of the ways, for many perfectionists, that this disorder is akin to (or perhaps part of) the autism spectrum; things "out of place" can totally rock their worlds, and not in a good way.

Channeled properly, this kind of superfocus on detail can, in fact, be a great gift. There are professional fields where the tiniest flaw or error can result in huge loss of human life - aeronautics is one field that comes to mind; surgery is another - there are many. The problem is that people with this gift/curse 1) don't realize they see things differently than the average bear, and 2) they don't leave their "gift" at work.

Since they would never leave a leaf on the floor, a grease spot on the counter, or tiny weeds in the flowerbed, they are certain that if someone has left these things out of place, it must be deliberate.  Clearly, we are toying with them, trying to upset them.  If we understand this point of view, it is easier to see how they might take these things personally (though not any easier to be on the receiving end of "arguments, lectures, rages, and logical 'proofs'").

The answer is not to try to follow the "Crazy Rules," because trust me, even if Hank's wife Sharon had done an exemplary job with the weeding, there would've been something else - the gravel bordering the driveway needed to be hosed down more often, something.  This disorder is ego syntonic- when something feels amiss to an OCPD'r, they rarely look internally and ask, "Is this me?" but seek outside themselves for the thing that is out of place/dangerous.  When they find something that is not perfect (and you can always find something, if you're looking hard enough), they have this moment of "Aha, that's what it is/was!"  Often followed by rage or lectures directed at the slob/inconsiderate person who "made" them feel that way.

Unless we actually are toying with them (it's not unheard of for office mates of a "persnickety" co-worker to move things on her desk, for example), we have to take a step back from that, and not accept harsh judgment on ourselves. We may not be able to convince them that their world view is wrong (the assumption that everyone shares the same ability to see detail, for example), and probably shouldn't try, but we can know for ourselves, that just because our disordered partner or friend SAYS we are: selfish, lazy, sloppy, careless, [fill in the blank], t'aint necessarily so.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Don't Take Their Foibles Personally

via imagerymajestic at
FreeDigitalPhotos

This post continues with Chapter 10 - Living With the Obsessive: 1 - Don't Take Their Foibles Personally from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

1. Don't Take Their Foibles Personally
Obsessive behaviors usually stems from deep-seated fears, and not from any malice toward you. Yet it's easy to lose sight of this. If hardly a day passes without your spouse criticizing something you do, you may feel he or she regards you in a fairly dim light. Worse, you may start seeing yourself that way.

Try to remember that your mate's finely tuned sensors would find fault with even the saintliest, most infallible person. <snip>

Remember that the obsessive's personality was formed long before he met you, and he would demonstrate this behavior with anyone - especially someone important to him. This understanding can make the obsessive's comments or actions less hurtful.

***

Foibles is such a fun-sounding word, isn't it?  Like fur mated with marbles, round and soft and cuddly.  Dictionary.com defines a foible as: a minor weakness of failing of character; slight flaw of defect: an all-too-human foible.

Some of the behaviors exhibited by a perfectionist personality may feel very personal: the parent who sighs heavily or makes a sarcastic comment about a report card with five A's and a B; the spouse who freaks out when you're driving; the twenty-minute lecture about the toaster left plugged in.

via Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos

It's very, very hard not to take it personally when the other person employs name calling and "you" language.  I was at the receiving end of some horrific rants that used a lot of nasty, accusatory language, "You don't care about our home; you're such a slob; you can't do anything right..." The issue at hand being something clearly incendiary like forgetting to hang the bathmat over the shower rail when I was done dressing, or bringing home a new kind of food product from the grocery store.

But when you talk to others who live with a person with similar behaviors, or review the "Crazy Rules" or similar stories by spouses, children or siblings of those with these issues, it is easier to see that it is truly not personal.  It ain't you (most of the time), and truly, it ain't them, either, it is the mental disorder which has them "under the influence."

Only you can decide if the benefits of the relationship outweigh the disadvantages, and yes, the pain of living with a person who sees flaws/problems everywhere s/he looks - and never seems to stop looking or pointing them out.  "Foibles" of a Perfectionist Personality aren't generally cute and cuddly.

It's like (I hear) living in Seattle: it rains there, a lot. You can buy wonderful raingear and take frequent trips to sunnier locales, but if you find clouds and frequent rain unbearably depressing, Seattle is probably not a good environment for you.  Others may thrive there.

And please, don't take the distorted vision of a person with a mental disorder as your mirror. You are not a slob if you occasionally leave a towel hanging crooked in the bathroom, or a slacker if you get B's as well as A's on your report card. Do not let him or her shake your faith in yourself as a worthy and lovable person, even if occasionally you do make mistakes or exhibit your own foibles.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Living With the Obsessive

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Living with the Obsessive
Living with an obsessive can be challenging. Although I've mostly been describing how their behavior causes them to suffer, it can be equally painful to be on the receiving end of such traits as the following:

Pickiness: You feel as if you can never do anything right. You may begin to wonder if the critical obsessive likes anything about you.

Demand-resistance: You often can't obtain the simple cooperation that oils the wheels of daily living.

Guardedness: You may never feel as if you really know the obsessive, or achieve a sense of intimacy with him. In the face of his or her aloofness, you may (mistakenly) feel unloved.

Rigidity: You can never count on obsessives to accept even minor changes. Instead, they're likely to be annoyed whenever you do something a little differently. And once they make up their mind about something, it's practically impossible to persuade them to change it.

Excessive orderliness: You may be made to feel guilty if you don't share the same level of orderliness. If they insist you meet their standard for neatness, this many put you under a lot of pressure, creating resentment on your part, or a sense of oppression.

Infallibility: You can never win an argument with an obsessive, or point out any errors. So you may chronically get the message that you're wrong.

Workaholism: You may resent how little time and energy the other person devotes to your relationship. His or her chronic absence or preoccupation may make you feel unimportant.

Indecisiveness or inability to commit: You may be unable to make plans because of his or her waffling; you may be unsure where your relationship stands.

If you have an obsessive spouse, friend, co-worker, or relative, you may have only one of these complaints or all of them, or you may have others I haven't listed. <snip>

***

I had all of these, in my relationship with my ex. Plus hoarding issues, which used to be included with OCPD, and will now have its very own category in the upcoming DSM-V.

At the beginning, most of these issues were hidden, or masked by the happy, "we're in love" hormones coursing through both of us. Yes, he was extremely neat and particular about his person, but I liked that, because so many men can be slobs in that area.

I don't believe he was deliberately trying to deceive me. And stars know I have plenty of my own faults. Problem was, he never let me forget any of them, but constantly pointed them out, until I did, indeed, wonder what he had ever liked about me in the first place.

He was super-guarded about his own inner feelings - those were not to be shared. I had always thought a relationship was about two people who trusted each other with their weaknesses, and helped each other. He tried never to let me see a weakness, and turned mine against me.

Now, as far as I could tell, my ex was at the very extreme end of being a Perfectionist Personality. There's a test called a Cammer, not widely used, but which is one way to rate how compulsive a person is.  I tried to trick my ex into taking it - I got him to take the first 8-9 questions, to which he rated himself 4's on all of them, and felt those were the Right Answers, then he got pissy and stopped. I tried answering for him on repeated occasions, hoping perhaps I had been too judgmental, but the lowest I could ever rate him was a 93, and mostly I rated him as a 95/96 (out of 100).

I now don't believe a "non" can have even a relatively tolerable relationship, long-term, with a severely obsessive person, unless that person is:

1. aware of the issue, and that it is his/her issue, not the partner's, and
2. working very hard to combat his/her perfectionist behaviors, ideally with professional help

Not all people are as severe as my ex seemed to be. His behavior was not improved by excessive drinking, either. YMMV. (Your Mileage May Vary.)

But the first step, if you are involved with such a person, is understanding, despite being told it's your fault, over and over again, that it is not your fault. It's an actual, diagnosable mental illness, and while your partner may not be to blame, either, you cannot fix him/her. What you can do is learn about the condition, learn some coping techniques, and later, re-evaluate as to whether this is the way you are willing to live.

Do you recognize the above behaviors?
Which ones are hardest for you to live with?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Two Month Reclamation - Conclusion

This post continues with the conclusion of A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

A TWO-MONTH LEISURE RECLAMATION PROGRAM (conclusion)
As you put the [previous] suggestions into practice, expect resistance to come from both within and without. "Workaholism is the most socially acceptable of the addictions because it is so socially productive," write Schaef and Fassel. "Many people have responded to our description of workaholism with statements like, 'It is not the same as alcoholics, who destroy themselves and their loved ones; workaholics are productive members of the society.' We have to realize that for some organizations and for some people, destroying one's life and loved ones is acceptable if one produces something useful in the society."

Image via CrunchBase

If you think the steps I have described might help you, don't put off starting them! More than one patient has said, "You're right. All this work is ruining my life. And I'm going to do something about it - next month." Or "as soon as I finish this assignment." Or "just as soon as I can get my nest egg together."

Many people toil for years to achieve a "comfortable" future, only to wind up with a few years of retirement in which either they or their spouses are in poor health. They get to do only a fraction of the things they had looked forward to doing, and they feel bitter disappointment.

Finding the appropriate balance between work and the rest of your life may never be easy for you. But it's imperative to try. I like to remember the man who remarked that he had never heard of anyone on his deathbed saying, "My only regret is that I didn't work more."  You too are unlikely to die with such a regret. But if work dominates your life, will you be let with other, worse forms of remorse - over children that you never really knew, or intimate bonds that you sacrificed on the altar of overtime, a lifetime full of roses that you never stopped to smell?

***

I keep going back to Steve Jobs, and the stories about how he cooperated with Walter Isaacson on his biography because he wanted his family, especially his children, to know who he was.

You really think his kids thought, "Well, I didn't ever get to see much of my father, but half the world got to have cool iPhones, so I'm happy to take one for the team"? Think they're grateful to be learning all about their father from a book?

People can always find a reason excuse not to put aside their workaholic habits just yet.  Destroying your family and relationships through excessive work and make-work, such as never-ending housecleaning projects, is still destroying your family and relationships. Stop hiding behind work and start living and loving.

Have you put off addressing your workaholism?
Ever lost someone because you always chose
work over leisure?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Two Month Leisure Reclamation - Part Two

Working to get back on track here. Hey, this is the anti-perfectionism blog, you know!

This post continues with A Two Month Leisure Reclamation Program from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

A TWO-MONTH LEISURE RECLAMATION PROGRAM (continued)
If work has taken over your life, are you willing to try an experiment? For a limited period of time, can you spend less time working and more time living? To achieve that goal, I suggest you make the following changes for two months. <snip>

5.  Any time you slip into ruminations or worries about work, do the thought-stopping exercise: slap your thigh or blink, breathe deeply, tell yourself, "That's not helping," and refocus your thoughts.

6.  Strictly limit the time you spend on chores. Before tackling any project, ask, "Is this really so important? Do I want to spend most of my 'off' time for the rest of my life worrying about things like this? <snip>

As with professional tasks, the list of personal task that you "need to do" will never end, so don't have that as your goal. It's unreasonable to refuse to enjoy yourself just because you have unfinished chores, since you'll have them for the rest of your life. <snip> Obsessives tend to get caught up with maintenance, at the expense of really living. They spend extra time ordering, fixing, straightening, tending to small details, as life speeds by. <snip>

"Fed up with housework" by Alaskan Dude
via Flickr Creative Commons

7.  If you have the opportunity to refuse extra work, do so, if only during this two-month period. <snip>

The same advice [consult a trusted friend for perspective] applies if you're tempted to decline a promotion because you're already working too hard. Obsessives typically pride themselves on their capacity to do enormous amounts of work, and they sometimes forget that they are also valued for other qualities.  <snip>

Isn't it reasonable to be able to say occasionally, "I'm sorry, but I'm just swamped right now and can't take that on at the moment"? Chances are good that you are much more important to your employer than you realize.

8.  During activities with family or friends, be in the moment, even if you have left work to be done. Don't let yourself think of your spouse or children as nuisance that are keeping you from more important things. Take an active interest in their conversation. Really listen to what they are saying, instead of tuning them out to ruminate about work-related problems.

via mikebaird at Flickr Creative Commons
This mom & daughter are wonderfully "in the moment" with each other.

<snip> Now is the time to enjoy life. Remember, none of us can know for certain that we have any time other than the present moment.

***

As those of you who read the post directly before this one know, I have recently been forcibly reminded that we don't know for certain we will ever have any time other than the present moment, with the death of my friend Sid just a few weeks ago.

The world won't stop if we let the work go, once in a while. It is important to focus on the people and events that fill our hearts and spirit - and that shouldn't be paperwork and work-work all the time.

I "get" it. I have a busy and demanding day job, and sometimes it feels like I come home from that and plunge right into writing and research for this blog (or my other writing projects). But... I am getting on track to cut back and take more time for me, for things I enjoy (though I do enjoy writing), and for being with my friends and family.

If you have children or a partner, and, stars forbid, something happened to one of them, do you want your last memory of your time together to be of you absently mumbling, "Uh-huh, uh-huh," as you were focused on your laptop or smartphone? That you missed your shy child's debut as a tree in the school play because you got a last minute chance to put in some overtime?

If you let "work" consume all your leisure time, it is just as much an addiction as alcohol or crack cocaine.  You are not virtuous, you are an addict.

And if you always choose work over relationships, eventually work will be all you have left.

Have you tried any of the tips, above?
Lost someone you loved, that you wished
you'd spent more time with?

Your thoughts?