Too Perfect Tuesday - Chap 7 - Rumination: A Bitter Aftertaste

Tom Spetter

This post continues with Rumination: A Bitter  from Chapter Seven.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on he FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Rumination: A Bitter Aftertaste

A slightly different - but equally painful - thought pattern is known as rumination: chronic or repetitive unproductive thinking about some past event or experience.  You can ruminate about your own or someone else's errors or transgressions.

<snip> Kenneth, a forty-year old research physicist, became so upset about a used car he had uncharacteristically bought on impulse that he grew depressed, ultimately becoming convinced he would never sleep well as long as he owned it.  Though it worked perfectly, Kenneth went over every inch of the car looking for flaws and worrying about what he would do if it malfunctioned.  He suffered most, however, from his racking regret over having made the purchase at all.  He had always sneered at buyers of used cars; whatever could have prompted him to buy one himself?  Kenneth dwelt on his "bad decision" so intensely he felt exhausted and unable to concentrate on his work.

<snip> As with pathological worry, pathological rumination goes beyond the normal, expectable regrets or anger over unfortunate occurrences.  And just as worry is an hypertrophy of some normal level of alertness and concern, rumination is a much-exaggerated variant of the healthy ability to remember damaging or unpleasant experiences well enough to avoid repeating them.

***

My ex used to do this, frequently - revisit the bad memories or incidents. Re-enact them out loud, even.  The weird thing (to me) is that each and every time, the hurt/pain/anger level tended to increase with each replay.  He would relive the time his sister said XYZ to him and how terrible it was and how terrible she was.  He also played our fights on "repeat" and those would become distorted as well; he would get upset about what he remembered (wrongly) that I had said or done.

I think the key, above, is the word unproductive.  Of course we need to revisit what's happened, until we find some peace and/or humor in a situation.  I tend to avoid seafood, but several years back, I ate several crab cakes at ABC Restaurant, at the company party.  I subsequently spent the night puking my guts out in front of my bosses and co-workers.

Did I just get a bad one or two?  Am I allergic to them?  Who knows.

Reality: I can't change any of it.  Humiliating?  Sure.  On the other hand,  I've learned:

• Don't ever eat crab cakes at ABC restaurant again.
• Don't ever eat crab cakes at a work function again.
• The people I work with, several years later, have forgotten all about it (unless reminded). Even by the very next week, I'm pretty sure they had moved on to other things.  *I* am rarely thinking, for the most part, about them and their personal issues; I've got my own stuff to deal with.  Why would they obsess about mine?

I could also beat myself up about my hybrid car - the newer models have better batteries, get better gas mileage, etc.  If I had waited another year or two, I could have bought a much better car.

On the other hand, if I'd waited, the wheels probably would have fallen off my old car; it was getting pretty tired.  And I might have hit one of those periods where everyone wants to buy a hybrid and the prices went sky high.

There's truth that sometimes we do have to visit or revisit some ugly experiences - being raped or molested, for instance.  It can be like lancing a boil:  painful, ugly, messy, but in the end, a great relief.

But if you keep going over and over and over something from the past, and it's only making you feel worse - please consider getting some help.

Do you get stuck revisiting painful thoughts or memories?
Your thoughts?

Anyone Get the License Plate Number of that Truck?

via Rhys Asplundh at Flickr

I never saw it coming.

One of the things that happens when a person in a relationship with an OCPD'r begins telling stories to outsiders about the worst moments, is people look at you like you're insane.  Like either you're a liar and making stuff up, because the person who is so nice in public couldn't behave like that at home.  Or because you'd have to be a blithering idiot to sign up for that kind of abuse.

Well, we didn't sign up for it.  Most of us dated a person who seemed (relatively) normal, if a little quirky.  But don't we all have quirks?

Theirs seemed harmless enough, perhaps even an improvement over our own habits.  If he was excessively careful about his personal appearance, this seemed like a nice change from guys who were content to go out in public in a ratty T-shirt.  Maybe she seemed a little hung up on cleaning and arranging everything, but aren't women "supposed" to be like that?

They loved us and we loved them and we had excellent chemistry together.  They were smart and funny and seemed to be more organized and "together" than a lot of other people we'd been involved with.

And then the relationship moved to the next level, and like the frog in the pot of cold water, the heat gradually increased.  Or some "event" happened - marriage, moving in together, a new baby - and like a werewolf during a full moon, they transformed into an OCPD raging monster.

Everybody is on their best behavior while courting, anyway.  That initial stage of being "in love" that lasts anywhere from 4-6 months to up to two years.  During that time, the dopamine (feel-good/reward hormone) and oxytocin (promotes attachment) levels go way up.  So the anxiety and fear which seems to be at the root of OCPD controlling behaviors (if I do everything perfectly, and anticipate every possible catastrophe, bad things won't happen) is not simply masked, but overwhelmed.

But "the good guy hormones" will eventually take a break.  And now, because we have been added to the list of things the OCPD'r feels s/he must manage and control, lest disaster ensue, their anxiety level shoots way up.

Image via WikipediaIt may be sweet at first, being fussed over, "Let's get those boots off you; I hope you didn't get your feet wet." "Make sure to wear your warm coat," but in a severely OCPD person, it becomes panic when you're driving.  (I blogged earlier about Mrs. Potatohead.) And "don't you realize if you leave the toaster plugged in it could burn the house down!"  Bring on the Crazy Rules!

It wasn't that they were being deceptive or putting on a deliberately false front; things were wonderful between us, and then (from the POV of an OCPD'r) we changed.  We started doing things that were annoying, slovenly, or downright dangerous.  We made mistakes, and mistakes are not permitted in OCPD, aka Perfectionism on steroids (except on a theoretical level).  Mistakes could lead to disaster.

If we only cared as much as they did, we wouldn't make mistakes.  At the very least, we would obsess over them as much as they did.

What?  They make mistakes, too?  Not possible.

Because OCPD is a mental disorder, those who have it are subject to distorted thinking.  They pride themselves on logic, therefore, even if they made a mistake, they get locked into loops where their reasoning in making a mistake - they were misled by circumstances, and so it really isn't their fault after all - is defended to the death.

Early on, we may get suckered in to trying to persuade an OCPD'r to see our point of view (aka JADEing).


What keeps us in the relationship, beyond the initial bonding is the difference between OCPD and say, a Narcissist or sociopath.  They don't torture their loved ones for the sheer sadistic pleasure of it, like a deranged child pulling the wings off flies to see them struggle. At the root of some horrifically abusive behaviors is genuine worry, genuine caring.  No matter how bad things get, we know and sense they deeply care.  There are moments when they have flashes of insight, or seem to revert to the fun, caring person we fell in love with.  We think, we hope, this time, the insights are going to stick.

And then the fog rolls in.  Sometimes it rolls out again, and everything we hope for happens - the OCPD'r gets hit by the cosmic two-by-four, realizes the problem isn't with everybody else, but in fact, within his/her own head.  S/he gets serious about changing her life, for herself, and with professional help, begins working to untwist OCPD-think and long-formed habits.  These people are true heroes.

More often, the fog doesn't roll out, the behaviors worsen, and we reach a point where we can no longer stay in the situation, living on thin hope that our partner will see the light and be willing to put in the very hard work to change.  S/he may be in denial or anosognosia; may have made moderate changes but our tolerance threshold has been exceeded.  We realize we can't stay and remain sane.

The one thing we need to do, the one thing we can do, is examine our own co-dependent behaviors.  Do we see ourselves as a Rescuer? Do we think our partner will crumble into a thousand bits if we leave him?  (I believed mine would; saw him a few weeks ago, he is just fine.  Well, he is not "fine," he is still dysfunctional, but no more dysfunctional than when I broke up with him.)

Do we pride ourselves on being kind and understanding (I certainly did) even while our "kindness" is helping neither us nor our partners?  In many ways, I think my ex is relieved I am gone.  In retrospect, I don't believe, for all my good intentions, I budged him one micrometer towards mental health, despite all the agony and heart-rending pain I went through.

I'm not saying it's right for you to go.  We all must make the decision to go, stay, or stay for now, according to what seems right for us.  It takes different kinds of strength to make each decision.

If you have made the decision to leave (or ask to leave) a disordered partner, I applaud you.  If you have made the decision to stay and work with him/her, because s/he is truly trying, I applaud you.  If you have made the decision to stay for now - until the kids are in college, the MasterCard is paid off, whatever - I applaud you.  If you have already left, I applaud you.  If you are getting professional counseling for yourself, I stand and applaud you.

Those of us who've been in that situation, know it's not black-and-white.  We didn't deliberately pick out a monster and choose to live with him or her, because we thought getting berated and criticized every day would be loads of fun.  More like, we checked carefully before entering the crosswalk, and got hit by a truck anyway.

And for those behind the wheel of the truck, with OCPD, who feel like they're in that defective Toyota, trying frantically to make the brakes work, turn the engine off - you know I love and respect you, as well.  My hope is that someday, we can find out how to turn the brakes back on, so you can drive and brake just like everybody else.

Too Perfect Tuesday - Chap 7 - The Wasteland of Worry

Source: icanread.tumblr.com via Beverly on Pinterest

This post continues with The Wasteland of Worry from Chapter Seven.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

The Wasteland of Worry

<snip>If you generally find it hard to let go of ideas, you're almost certain to be troubled by worry, rumination, preoccupation, and/or doubt.

<snip> By worry, I mean thinking repetitively about a current of future problem in a way that doesn't eventually lead to a solution.  Worry is unproductive by definition, and it seems to have a life of its own.

Almost everyone worries at least occasionally, and this is normal.  When your child has pneumonia, for example, or when an international incident raises the specter of nuclear war, worrying is an appropriate response, even though you objectively understand that it will not affect the outcome.

But many obsessives worry chronically.  <snip> One patient put it this way, "It can be a beautiful day, but if I'm worrying, somehow everything seems shadowed.  It's as if the worry blocks out the sun."

<snip> among the concerns that preoccupy them the most are the following:

• Day-to-day activities.  "Will I be able to complete my project successfully?  Will the restaurant forget my reservation?  Will I have enough food for everyone who comes to the party?"
• Physical concerns: "Am I getting sick, losing my looks?  Will I get in a car accident on the freeway?"
• Money: "How will I pay my bills? What about my future?  What if the stock market crashes? Am I managing my money correctly?"
• Loved ones: "Will my children be injured?  Could my husband have a heart attack?"

<snip> "I'm jealous of people who don't worry so much.  I worry constantly.  I have a pretty full life - enough to keep me worried about lots of things.  I'm going to a book club tonight and I haven't finished the book and I'm worried that they'll think I'm not committed or just not intelligent.  A friend is coming over to have a bite before we go, and I'm worried about the shape my house is in."

"How does it feel when you are worrying?"

"It feels awful!"

"So what makes you do it so much?"

"I think worrying about things at work probably makes me more effective."

"Really?  Tell me about that."

"Well, maybe not the worrying, but being conscious does help me.  But most of the time worrying is something I can't control.  When I drive to an appointment, I'm worried I'll have an accident.  I look at my watch every minute or so and worry that I won't be on time, or that I'll be too early.  I worry that the person I'm meeting won't like me, or that I'll spill something, or that I'm not dressed appropriately.  I worry that I'll run out of gas."

"Have you ever run out of gas?"

"Never," she replied, smiling ruefully.

As if worrying weren't painful enough, the tendency to think in all-or-nothing terms leads many obsessives to envision the very worst outcome for their concerns.  <snip"

"If I notice a strange blemish on my skin, I immediately think, 'What if it's cancer?' And I'm filled with all the dread and horror I would feel if I had already received the diagnosis, and part of my mind is racing ahead, wondering about cancer surgery, thinking about just how painful death from skin cancer is.  Or when my husband is just a half hour late coming home from work, my mind invariably picks the very worst possibility to explain his delay.  Like: what if he's been killed in a car crash."

For most obsessives, the most awful things that have happened to them have occurred in their own minds.

***

For most obsessives, the most awful things that have happened to them have occurred in their own minds.  Repeating that line, because it deserves repeating.  If something horrible does happen, we will feel every bit as terrible as if we had never "rehearsed" the skin cancer, husband-in-a-car-crash, or other fantasy.  It's not like we will have earned some kind of discount, "Well, ordinarily, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being suckiest, this would be a 10, but because I imagined over and over again how it would feel when the police came to my door to tell me my love had been killed, it's only about a 6."

It's probably impossible not to start worrying sometimes, but I believe it's possible to realize we're doing it, and stop.  Certainly there is no payoff in fretting about running out of gas if it has never, ever happened in however many years.  (I think the woman described was more likely to have an accident caused from being tense, preoccupied, and looking at her watch every minute.)

At some point, we have to be conscious of our thoughts, and say to ourselves,"This is not helping.  I am only winding myself up and making myself tense over something I can't control.  I've done what I can; now I must let it go."

I know, I know - much easier said than done.  For myself, I visualize a helium balloon, releasing it and my worry, watching it fade into the distance until it is all gone.  Or a soap bubble, floating away in the breeze, and going ~pop~!

Do you have a technique for releasing worry?
Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 7 - Underlying the Cognitive Style

Forest or Trees, or both?
From North Rim, Grand Canyon

This post continues with Underlying the Cognitive Style from Chapter Seven.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Underlying the Cognitive Style

<snip>Constitutional differences - a matter of :wiring: or biochemistry - may predispose certain individuals to notice details, for instance, or remember facts.

This style furthermore serves such central dynamics of the obsessive such as vigilance, thoroughness, and perfectionism.  If you have a chronic need to avoid risk or surprises, then an active, focused style of attention that enables you to remain watchful and alert will suit you best.  Similarly, if your (unconscious) worldview is that your safety and control over life depend on your grasp of the universe, you will do your utmost to notice, comprehend, and remember as much as you can.  You will be alert and observant, trying always to anticipate problems, and striving to remember names, dates, facts, and opinions.

<snip>... it has the very appealing side effect of bringing him the respect and admiration of those who find him so bright and competent.  It also has practical value.  The capacity for sharp, sustained concentration, for example, can significantly enhance your ability to master any number of skills, from playing the violin to programming computers.  Detail-mindedness is an asset in everyone from police detectives to proofreaders, and a good memory for facts can serve you well in many contexts.

Unfortunately, some of these cognitive patterns may also create problems.  When combined with rigidity, the penchant for "mental orderliness" can blind one to valuable new ideas. <snip>  Similarly, certain activities (such as nurturing children or listening to music) are at odds with too much detail-mindedness and objective analysis.  Those traits may block your reception of intuitive insights or inhibit your ability to grasp the big picture.

I heard a vivid illustration of this from Charles, a physician patient of mine who had just undergone the oral board examination for certification in his specialty.  One phase of the est required him to evaluate a man who had lost the ability to speak.  Charles examined the patient and then presented the board examiners with observations that covered many details, he fielded even esoteric questions with ease.  But throughout, he made no mention of the deep scar that disfigured the aphasic man's left temple (the result of a grave injury that almost certainly had caused the man's aphasia).  The examiners finally asked about it.  Charles had, of course, grasped the significance of the scar, but so eager was he to demonstrate his command of the fine neurological details of the case that he had failed to mention it.

***

I think it's normal to think our own strengths are best, and perhaps condescend a bit to others without our skillset.  Some months ago in chat a young person with OCPD was having a difficult time letting go of the way his supervisor had been wrong about some small detail.  Had been digging through e-mails for hours to prove the point.

Several of us older/wiser heads tried to explain that the way to forge a better working relationship with one's supervisor was not to thrust into their face proof that they had made a mistake.  In further chat, it seemed this supervisor was a "big picture" person, who did not always appreciate the intense attention to detail the OCPD'r demonstrated.  By the same token, the OCPD'r did not respect or appreciate the boss's ability to think big, to create, to come up with innovative ideas.

In an ideal world, both types of people would appreciate the skills the other type of person brings to the table, and learn to work together, seeing how person A's strengths complement person B's weaknesses, and vice versa.  This is what I had hoped would happen with my ex and me.  I did see and tried to express my appreciation for his attention to detail (though I also felt he went overboard with hyper-vigilance more than a little).

Only he did not see or appreciate my strengths at all, but rather, yelled, scolded, and expressed frustration that I didn't see/think/behave as he did.  (Mostly.  There were times he did acknowledge and even express gratefulness for the places I dragged him to, for the activities I suggested.)

I thought the story about Charles the physician who ignored the physical injury in his examination report quite on point for this section.

Are you the type to see trees or forest?
Your thoughts?

How the Buddha Girl Got Cracked

As I was decorating my new apartment last year, I saw a photo of this small Buddha woman/girl in one of my many catalogs and fell in love with her. (FYI, I was once the catalog queen of the West Coast, though I have cut down substantially) She radiated peace, tranquility, compassion. I decided I must have her, that she would help me keep focused on being Zen, letting go, breathing.

Eventually, as things settled down, I decided she belonged in my bathroom. Bought a couple of white floating shelves - but she didn't look good on a white shelf. Bought a dark shelf, and gave the white ones to a friend.

She looked awesome.

But... she's fairly substantial, weighing about four pounds. And I live in SoCal. Earthquake country.

So of course, the next project was finding museum wax to secure her on the shelf, in case of earthquake, so she wouldn't come flying off the shelf and brain me in the head as I was seated on my white porcelain meditating spot. Should said earthquake occur while I was *ahem* Taking Care of Business.

Done. Now, here's where the fleas come in. *scratching*   I could have put a single daub of museum wax on the bottom center, and she would probably have been just fine. But, being accustomed to OCPD-think, I decided to place three daubs of museum wax under her, one at each corner, and really press her down on the shelf, hard. Better overdoing than doing just enough, right?

Photo via mksystem at Flickr
Fleas, or just a good healthy scratch?

Buddha Girl was fine for one night, then she cracked.

At first I was really distraught.  Thought about throwing her away, and getting a new, uncracked one.  or perhaps using wood stain (or my cheap and easy go-to, colored markers) to minimize the appearance of said crack.

Then I realized, Buddha Girl is even better now.  She's my reminder that overdoing doesn't always work out for the best.  A reminder to check for fleas.  A reminder that sometimes flawed and cracked is better than perfect.

Now I look at her (several times a day, depending on my water consumption) and smile.

She's cracked and flawed.  I'm cracked and flawed.

And we're both perfect, just the way we are.

Do you have a talisman, picture, or some reminder 
that being flawed is perfectly okay?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 7 - The Obsessive Cognitive Style

Image via Wikipedia

This post continues with The Obsessive Cognitive Style from Chapter Seven.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

The Obsessive Cognitive Style

Cognition is a general term that refers to our intellectual processes: paying attention, thinking, remembering, calculating, etc. Cognitive styles define the way we pay attention to things, the sorts of things that naturally draw our attention, and the way we "register" perception and thoughts.

The cognitive motto of obsessives might well be "Notice, Comprehend, Remember."  They scan the world around them intently, directing their attention like a sharply focused searchlight.  They typically read or observe things as if it were important to understand and remember the individual detail rather than merely form an overall impression.  They seem to listen more pointedly and concentrate more intensely than others do.  It's as if the obsessive thinks he may need every scrap of information that comes his way.

Contrast that for a moment with a very different cognitive style, one that happens to be common to people with an urgent need to feel loved by or closely connected to others.  Such people often take in the world in a more relaxed, passive, almost random way.  They're much more attuned to the emotions generated by their experiences than to the information involved in them, and predictably, they tend to remember feelings very well, while having a poor memory for facts.  Often this leads others to conclude, wrongly, that they're not particularly intelligent.  Such people may also claim to have a poor sense of direction.  But usually the true reason they have trouble finding their way back from a place is that they weren't thinking in the obsessive mode when they were on their way to their destination.  Rather, they were experiencing the trip - the scenery, the conversation, the music on the radio.  Most obsessives, on the other hand, are careful to make a mental map of where they're going - so they can be sure to find their way safely home.

Many obsessives are driven to acquire detailed information... <snip>  This interest arises partly from a genuine pleasure in learning, partly from a desire to be viewed as a knowledgeable person, partly from the need to store data that might come in handy someday, and partly from the illusory sense of control that comes with knowledge of one's world.

I see two dwarves, a la Snow White,
high-fiving each other.  You?
Image via Wikipedia

<snip> Many obsessives focus upon details at the expense of the "big picture," and have great difficulty prioritizing these perceptions.  If given a Rorschach test, for example, they tend to discern lots of minutiae in the inkblots - small things that others generally overlook in favor of a more generalized impression.  Obsessives often need to explain the significance of every aspect of the blot, just as they tend to feel compelled to make sense out of all they perceive and experience.  Loose ends - disparate, jumbled fragments of information; unpredictable events; serendipity - often are unsettling because they suggest chaos, the obsessive's nemesis.  To feel in control obsessives must somehow fit their perception and experiences into a comprehensible whole.

<snip> Obsessives generally strive to remember all the data they have acquired (and many in fact have an amazing memory for facts and trivia).

***

It's like they're trying to hoard information.

If I have all the information, I will be safe/nothing will surprise me.

Life is full of variables. I think perhaps this OCPD tendency - to believe that one can/should "own" all facts about a situation, is partly responsible for the crushing upset when something happens unexpectedly.  The OCPD'r had pinned down 95 out of 100 possibilities, but despite the forecast, it rained anyway, or the cat got sick, or whatever unexpected thing happened.  Whereas a non would be more likely to have a Plan B, C, and perhaps D, or at least be unfazed by formulating one, if plan A fell through.

I wonder if this OCPD tendency to gather facts/trivia ties in to the other ways in which it's similar to autism.  The "Rainman syndrome," whereby somebody can remember years of baseball stats, for example, but not be able to order a sandwich at Subway.

It's not that having depth of information is bad.  It's just that we don't always need to know everything.

Example:  Many years ago, when I was 18 and newly arrived myself, I had a friend flying into LA.  I knew the airport she was coming from - Baltimore-Washington - and the time her flight was supposed to arrive.

This was Not Enough Information.  I needed stuff like, oh, what airline she was flying.  Flight number would have been helpful.  Then I could have found the gate (although now you don't get to meet people at gates anyway, just at baggage claim.)

But on the opposite end of the spectrum - history of late or on-time arrivals by said airline, type of plane, wind factor, total number of planes scheduled to arrive at LAX that evening, and many more bits of trivia... TMI.

The key is realizing when we've got sufficient info, and stopping there.

What did you think the Rorshach looked like?
Your thoughts?