I Feel What I Feel When I Feel It

via Wikipedia

Recently, along with a lot of other folks, I felt caught up in exultation and "justice served, at last!" at the overwhelmingly "Guilty verdict" passed on child molester Jerry Sandusky.

Reading some of the message boards, I was struck by one commenter, who didn't "get" why so many people were rejoicing, and that made me take a closer look at myself.

I am not, and never have been, a prepubescent boy. True, I also experienced an incident of molestation when I was 12 (in central Pennsylvania, no less). However, without ever requiring my testimony or the cops even talking to me at all, the perp did did go to jail, where, rumor has it, he ended up dying an agonizing, long-drawn-out death of cancer several decades ago.

Karma wins - which is not always the case.

And while what happened to me was highly unpleasant, it wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me; it wasn't something that ruined my life or haunted me.

As the saying goes, I "had no dog in this fight."

So why am/was I following the Sandusky case so closely? Why did it stir me up so much?

Was it because I related to the victims? To the struggling single mothers who thought that contact with a coach willing to act as a father figure would be good for them? Do I feel guilty as a former resident of Pennsylvania?

I don't fully know. I may never know.

What I do know, is that it's okay to feel what I feel. When I feel it. Maybe I want to sit down and pick that feeling apart, maybe I just want to notice it. You know, the whole Zen thing, sitting by the side of the stream, watching the stream, the leaves and twigs floating in it.  There's a feeling; how interesting.

I don't have to come up with a reason why I feel what I feel - not to myself, not to anybody else. I don't have to limit myself to only feeling certain emotions.

via Project Adventure

 There were years when, as a child, I was expected to suppress what I felt.

There were many years when I didn't allow myself to have certain feelings, at all, because it wasn't safe. I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was ten, but didn't begin serious grief work until I was 30 years old, and *I* was ready and felt safe enough to do so.

There were years living with my OCPD b-f when I was often told, if I expressed certain feelings, that they were wrong, and instructed as to what I "should" feel instead. I have had (former) friends try to do the same thing, tell me I was wrong/silly/unjustified in feeling a particular emotion.

I am SO done with that. I am done with anyone (outside of a trusted mental health professional) telling me that my feelings are over- or underdone; that they are inappropriate or wrong, somehow.

 I'm letting myself feel what I feel, when I feel it. Period.

How about you?

Have you ever been told you "shouldn't" feel a particular way?
Did you rejoice in the Sandusky verdicts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - The Classic Workaholic

This post continues with The Classic Workaholic from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

The Classic Workaholic

Workaholics like Natalie are notable for the sheer number of hours they devote to their careers. Sometimes they'll describe themselves as workaholics, though even the most work-addicted individuals often reject that term  because of its negative connotations. "I'm just a hard worker," they'll say, adding - sometimes - that their work happens to be the most important thin in their lives.

<snip> Even when the workaholic is not actively engaged in job-related tasks, it's common for this sort of person to be dogged by thoughts and worries about his professional responsibilities. <snip>

Some work addicts consciously yearn for time off or complain about being overworked, but find themselves resisting opportunities to take vacations or other time away from work. They may even announce plans to do so, and then find themselves slipping right back into their overloaded schedules. Georgia, a management consultant, looked forward eagerly to a three month maternity leave when she became pregnant with her first child. But just three weeks after the birth of her daughter, she felt the onset of cabin fever. <snip> within a few weeks she was working every day, holding meetings in her apartment, with her infant sleeping close by.

In his book Work Addiction Bryan E. Robinson confides that he contemptuously thought his colleagues were lazy when they looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Such feelings of superiority, while sometimes hidden, are common among workaholics. <snip>

Workaholics tend to postpone taking time off "until next year," or "until we get over this rough spell." They're great rationalizers, telling themselves such things as, "I'll have more money next year," or "I didn't expect this upturn [or downturn] in business," or "I'll be less pressured and will enjoy myself more if I wait a bit." They genuinely don't see that they could take the time off, if only they would consider the idea in good faith.

***

There is always a reason why, as far as kicking back and relaxing goes, it's "jam yesterday, jam tomorrow, but never jam today."




I was raised in a household where the family philosophy was, "Work first, play second." But there was always time for play.  Even on the weekends, it was kind of a play sandwich - sleep in, have a leisurely breakfast; next, attack any major chores or projects around the house or yard; then relax again.

My ex's busy-ness, because he didn't work, occurred during "leisure times" (more on that in a future post).

Yet he wasn't okay with me doing ANYTHING during those times. On the one hand, he wanted to be busy-busy all the time (though he didn't work). On the other hand, he was offended if I didn't want to "hang" with him for hours on end while he drank, waxed philosophical, and smoked cigarettes; I wanted to give myself a pedicure, say, or perhaps work on a craft project while we (he) talked. his bothered him. I realize now it wasn't me being a workaholic or intentionally disrespectful to him, but because verbally, he was rehashing (churning) the same tired material over and over again.

And while his adventures in the workplace in the 1980's and 90's might have been interesting at one point, he still considered them to be relevant in the aughts, while not wanting/able to listen to anything *I* (who actually had a job) had to say.

Frankly, he was boring, though occasionally he had something worthwhile to say. Still, it was possible to give him the bulk of my attention and paint my toenails at the same time.

He disagreed.

Have you or someone you loved gotten wrapped up in working
all the time? Did it make him/her more or less interesting?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 9 - Too Driven

English: Apple iPad Event (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This post continues with Too Driven from Chapter Nine.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

 

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

A man who loves life intensely must always be jealous of the few exquisite moments of leisure that he has.... His hours of fishing must be as sacred as his hours of business.  ~LIN YUTANG, The Importance of Living

Work permeates every moment of Natalie's carefully planned schedule.  An ambitious public prosecutor, she rises before dawn <snip> After dinner with her family, she invariably works for a few more hours. <snip> Even though her supervisor has urged her to drive herself less furiously, Natalie can't really imagine cutting back her work hours. "My job is like a vortex," she says flatly. "It draws me in."

The Obsessive Workaholic

Most people would call Natalie a "workaholic." Although this is not a psychiatric term, the recently minted word aptly describes a person a having a compulsive need to work. I t applies to many obsessives. For them, work represents much more than just a way to earn a living; it's the central axis around which everything else revolves.

Workaholism is more than just a matter of long hours. No one, for example, would label as a workaholic the impoverished immigrant who sews for eighteen hours a day. She probably has no psychological need to work so hard, and one assumes that were she to win the lottery, she would work less. When most people call someone a workaholic, they are implying that the person works significantly more than he or she has to or is even expected to.

My own definition is that a workaholic is someone who voluntarily devotes practically every waking hour to either doing or thinking about some form of work (though he may not realize his actions are voluntary). This incorporates a very broad range of overly driven behavior. <snip>

***

In American society, we are very competitive about work. It's an area where being obsessive is not simply unnoticed, but often expected and praised.

Because we can do something, doesn't mean we should. Yes, working more hours generally results in more money, which means we can buy more things. And those with OCPD tend to focus on things, rather than people.

There will always be more things to buy. Things are not going anywhere. People, experiences, and relationships, on the other hand, will not always be available to someone works his/her life away.

Take Steve Jobs. He helped bring a lot of cool gadgets to life, but in his personal life:

I wanted my kids to know me,' he told Pulitzer Prize nominee and author Walter Isaacson, when asked why he agreed to a tell-all book despite living a famously private life.

'I wasn't always there for them, and I wanted them to know why and to understand what I did,' he added poignantly at his home in Palo Alto, California.

SINGAPORE - OCTOBER 06: An Apple Ipad 2 showing the Apple website displays a tribute to Steve Jobs, co-founder and former chief executive officer of Apple, at a store in Marina Bay Sands, Singapore on Thursday, Oct. 6, 2011. Jobs, 56, passed away after a long battle with pancreatic cancer. Jobs co-founded Apple in 1976 and is credited, along with Steve Wozniak, with marketing the world's first personal computer in addition to the popular iPod, iPhone and iPad. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

I'm thinking his kids and his wife might have been able to suffer through life with a few less cool gadgets and a lot more time with the guy - but his work was clearly #1, and they were an afterthought, to be fitted in around the edges, if/when he could make the time. Failing that, well, now they can always read his biography on their iPads, after his death. That'll surely give them the same warm fuzzy feeling as actually spending time with their father, feeling not only that they knew him, but that he cared enough to know them, right?

Do you have a compulsive need to work?

Love someone who does?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 8 - Toward a More Flexible Orderliness

via FreedigitalPhotos from Ambro

This post continues with Toward a More Flexible Orderliness from Chapter Eight.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Toward a More Flexible Orderliness

Chances are you don't think of yourself as an excessively orderly or rigid person. Almost no one does. But consider carefully the following questions:

• Do your demands for neatness make family members tense or inhibited around you?
• Do your children ever feel pressured (by you) to do everything just so?
• At work, has your resistance to new ideas or methods ever stifled your growth or inhibited development of your product or service?
• Is it hard for your to enjoy an unexpected visit or call from a friend of family members because you had anticipated doing something else in that time?
• Do you wish you could be more spontaneous?
• Is it hard for you to start work or fall asleep until your surroundings are arranged meticulously?
• Do you get upset when unforeseen contingencies disrupt your routine?
• Keeping things extremely organized takes a lot of time. Is your need for neatness and order contributing to your feeling chronically overburdened?
• Does your tendency to get into routines make aspects of your life such as lovemaking, meals, or weekends boring and predictable?
• Do you wish you could be more creative?
• Do you find yourself increasingly alienated from current social and political ideas, music, or clothing styles because they conflict with how things used to be?

Excessive orderliness can manifest itself in a variety of ways. If you can pinpoint difficulties these traits are causing you, you will be well on the way to making some improvements.

Catch yourself straightening, organizing, cleaning or filing far beyond what's necessary or functional. Think of a clock ticking away the precious seconds of your life. Add up all those wasted moments - the weeks, months, or even years - time that your might have spent creatively, productively, or just plain having fun.

<snip>Mark well how a vacation or an evening out can be ruined simply because things don't go as planned. Observe yourself doing the same things in the same old way time after time, while at the same time yearning for freshness, excitement, creativity and nuance in your life.

Take note each time you insist that a family member or employee do things exactly in the fashion you prefer, rather than in his or her own style or order. Ask yourself if having it done your way is worth the damage to the relationship. <snip>

***

It all goes back to whether the traits are a means to an end - or become the end, in and of themselves.

The questions are good ones to ask. I suspect that many who see their perfectionism, cleanliness, orderliness, etc., as an asset do not recognize, until they stop and really think about it, the extent to which the Quest for the Holy Order has become THE purpose in their lives.

Most people don't need or WANT to live like that. Most partners want to make love first and worry about washing the dinner dishes afterwards, not put off lovemaking until every dish is washed, dried, and put away.

When you're in the mood, you're in the mood, right?

We only get XX many days, hours, minutes on this earth, and lots of them are taken up by things like sleeping, answering nature's calls, getting gas - necessities of life, sure, but not things most people particularly enjoy. Of the remaining expendable minutes, how many do we want to spend "straightening" something for the billionth time?

Have you ever squandered a golden moment 
so you could clean something?
If you've ever been "postponed" by a loved one who wanted 
to clean or organize something, how did that make you feel?

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 8 - Mental Orderliness & Rigidity

The Matrix via Wikimedia

This post continues with Mental Orderliness and Rigidity from Chapter Eight.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

MENTAL ORDERLINESS AND RIGIDITY

Another kind of orderliness that applies to the obsessive person is a sort of mental neatness. Despite their boundless capacity for doubt, most obsessives crave an unambiguous "ordering" of their various life experiences. They yearn for a clear comprehension of things; life's ambiguities make them uncomfortable and impatient. Some feel unsettled of even annoyed if they don't completely understand every detail of a movie or lecture, focusing on that to the exclusion of the other, more enjoyable aspects. Many are more at ease reading a biography or a technical book than something more abstract, like poetry. Obsessives' friends and spouses often refer to them as "analytical."

As with other aspects or orderliness, the capacity for mental organization - sorting packages of data into the categories where they "belong" - has obvious survival value. But equally essential to navigating effectively through life is the ability to change one's ideas and opinions when conditions change or new information becomes available. And this is where many obsessives have difficulty. They are hobbled by a mental rigidity that makes it hard for them to revise their thoughts and opinions even when it would serve them better to do so.

<snip>I had this conversation with Harold, a forty-seven year old postal inspector, who one day declared," I avoid New Yorkers. I can't stand them."

"What is it that you don't like?" I asked.
"They arrogant, pushy, insensitive. My cousin Jim is a good example."
"But didn't you tell me that your friend Fred is also from New York?"
"Yes. So?"
"You said that you liked him very much, that he's kind and sensitive."
"He is!"
"So some New Yorkers aren't so bad?"
"But they're so damned arrogant and aggressive."

Conversation with such a person can be frustrating. When I talk to Harold, I often have the sense that he's simply not listening to me. And in a sense, he's not, because to truly hear my point of view would threaten him. Even when he has a hunch that his understanding of a given topic may be inaccurate, he resists considering any other viewpoint. First, acknowledging the merits of the other viewpoint might look too much like an admission of error, and would give others the idea that he was unsure of himself. Or what if he wasn't capable of understanding the newer viewpoint? And even if he did understand it and agree with it, he might be unable to integrate it without having to change his whole belief system - a system that he depends on for a sense of calm and control.

Even when the subject in question isn't very significant (e.g., his feelings about New Yorkers), it's symbolically important. Having a solid understanding of things buttresses his illusion of control. In a way, to comprehend life is to be in control of it. If, on the other hand, his ideas in some small matter need revision, where will it end? Which other pat ideas are flawed? Are there any that aren't? Mentally rigid obsessives have an underlying fear that they're on the verge of spinning out of control, with nothing to hold on to.

<snip>"If Bill says he's going to roast a chicken for dinner, and then he instead surprises me with lasagna, it's likely to drive me up a wall. It's not that I don't like lasagna. I do. But I was counting on having the chicken. I feel so disappointed, and even angry that I won't get what I was expecting."

Carrying through with what one had anticipated becomes a strong motivator, even when the situation warrants changing one's plans. Jill said, "If I decide to spend Sunday afternoon working on minor chores, and on Sunday morning I get a call from friends, inviting me out, more often than not my immediate reaction is to say I'm already busy and beg off. I may feel sad that I'm missing out on the fun, but once I've set my course, it's very hard to change it."

***

After I saw The Matrix, and read this chapter (not sure which came first), I realized that this, indeed, is much like my ex behaved/believed. Every change in thinking or belief was dangerous. The original idea or concept MUST be clung to, lest the world begin spinning and hurl him violently off. (Although like President Obama, he has "evolved" over the past ten years to the position that allowing gays to marry is simply about being fair.)

via Wikimedia Commons

We all have our pet ideas and notions. The key is the rigidity, like the guy, above, who could not accept the idea that some New Yorkers are nice people - even though he knew one. When we learn that something we always believed might not be true, are we terror-stricken and determined to cling to our original theory, or are we willing to explore the idea we might be wrong?

Like the examples in Too Perfect, my ex would have a meltdown over lasagna vs. chicken issues, and would frequently decline invitations because he was "too busy," even though his busyness (read, churning) could be carried out at any time.  (He has no "day job.")

Hard bitten racists, religious (and atheistic) extremists, political factionism - it not only hurts individuals and individual families, but it does our society harm for members to be locked into black-or-white thinking and mental rigidity. Sometimes we don't need to know all the answers (which is good, because no human could know them all anyway).

Have a story you feel safe sharing?

Your thoughts?