What Now, Brown Cow?

Now that we've finished Too Perfect, what's up next?

For me, perhaps, a bit of a break for a few weeks. Since the death of my beautiful friend Sidney in October, I have not only been struggling with grief and emotional pain, but also with severe physical pain.  Recently, after various exams, x-rays, MRI's,and other tests, I've been diagnosed with "frozen shoulder."

Fire shoulder might be a better description, of the way it feels. The treatment includes a cortisone shot (got it) and physical therapy. I'm also getting aquatic therapy, and it is improving, if more slowly than I might wish.

Note to self - there is a reason they tell you to pull the belt on the flotation belt tightly. Because it bugs when the thing rides up to just under your armpits.

It is also recommended that I stay away from the keyboard, as much as possible. So, while I'm not abandoning this blog, I may take some time off (or, depending on whether the Muse is jabbing me in the back, I may not).

As far as upcoming book reviews and discussion, the book that got the most votes in our survey was Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men.

From the Book Description:

"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:

€ The early warning signs
€ Nine abusive personality types
€ How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
€ The role of drugs and alcohol
€ What can be fixed, and what can't
€ How to leave a relationship safely

Please, buy your own copy of the book  - put a book cover on it, if you must for your own safety, and tell your husband you're reading 50 Shades of Grey.  Get it on an e-reader.  If reading is difficult for you, get the audio version. Check it out from your library.  (Did you know you can also get e-books from the library?)

Let's read and discuss it together. I would also add - even if your angry and controlling person is female, there are many, many insights in this book that will be valuable to you.

Now off to make sure I have my towel and swimsuit. Hoo-boy, I am very grateful the water therapy ain't being videotaped, because I look like a dying whale thrashing around in the pool.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Epilogue

This post concludes with the Epilogue.

This series has looked at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Epilogue

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.   ~Mark Twain
In summary, the obsessive personality style is a system of many normal traits, all aiming toward a common goal: safety and security via alertness, reason, and mastery. In rational and flexible doses, obsessive traits usually favor not only survival, but success and admiration, as well.

The downside is that you can have too much of a good thing. You are bound for serious difficulties if your obsessive qualities serve not the simple goals of wise, competent, and enjoyable living, but an unrelenting need for fail-safe protection against the vulnerability inherent in being human. <snip>

<snip> The single most important step is one you can take right now: acknowledge that the source of much of your unhappiness may not be your boss, the state of the economy, your spouse's shortcomings, but something within you! Acknowledge that the main obstacles to feeling fulfilled in your relationships, work, or leisure (if you have any) may be such things as your perfectionism, workaholism, rigidity, and other overdeveloped obsessive characteristics.

<snip> ...please understand that this book [nor this blog] is not a substitute for therapy with a competent professional. <snip> With or without professional assistance, your most important means to progress will be, quite simply, sustained hard work. But then that's your strong suit, isn't it?

***

Is it difficult to find a therapist who understands OCPD/Anankastic Personality Disorder? Yes. Many, many mental health professionals have never even heard of such a beastie, or confuse it with OCD.  Here's one true story:

My DH was diagnosed by a neuro-psychiatrist. He had extensive bloodwork, CT scan, several days of urine collection, significant assessment type "tests", and even his mother had to respond to a lot of questions about what he was like as a child. Even with all of that, he was diagnosed with OCD. It wasn't until I joined his yearly psychiatrist visits that I raised the issue of OCPD and the doctor concurred.  

It seems very difficult to determine OCPD unless someone close to the patient (in his inner circle) is able to answer many questions regarding the treatment they receive and observe on a daily basis. My experience has been that DH thinks he is wonderful and would never consider himself an arrogant, nasty, obnoxious person (at times) with underlying anger with almost constant anxiety and intermittent depression.

An obsession with creating and enforcing order,
and being RIGHT, is more about OCPD than OCD.

It's frustrating, trying to find a professional who can help you, who understands that OCPD is not OCD, but it is worth the effort.  Even if the mental health professional doesn't know or understand the condition, yet, it is still possible that s/he may have some effective strategies that make life a little easier.  For the partner or child of an affected person - go, go go!

Now this? OCD all the way, baybee.

I think counseling saved my life, certainly my sanity, during a time when I was losing it.  I don't mean to denigrate the efforts of friends and family - they are invaluable as a support system.

Yet sometimes there are things we don't want to tell them, out of fear/shame, or just not wanting our (perhaps dysfunctional) family all up in our business.  We might tell less than is helpful - because we don't want to be judged and scolded, or because we don't want them to hate our partner.  Likewise our friends.  If our situation is so painful, they don't "get" why we don't leave.  Or they offer suggestions that might work  - when both people are "normal." Things like "Just be patient," or "Go ahead and let him/her have his way," which Does Not Work when one partner in the relationship is dysfunctional.

They also tend to take our side, whereas a good mental professional will call us on our sh-t - and sometimes, we need a neutral referee to tell us, "You blew it there." To help us through the exercises we need to become healthier in our interactions.

Let me reiterate - just because we might have an OCPD partner/parent/child/co-worker, does not mean that WE don't have our own hot messes that need attention.  So good therapy is essential for getting our own house(s) in order.

But if you are one of those people who is constantly irritated by an effed-up world that never does things The Right Way or up to your (extremely high and admirable) standards, if you believe your way of thinking is (always) a gift and you are surrounded by stupid, lazy people, you would be well served by seeking therapy with as open a mind as you can manage.

None of us have to live with constant emotional pain. Discomfort, sometimes, sure. Pain, no.

You deserve better. Go get it.

Your thoughts?

Birth of a JADE - Two Different Scripts

Colourful nail polishes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Let's take OCPD and other disorders and lock them in a closet somewhere (don't you wish we could?), pretend they don't exist, and look at what is going on when JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining) occurs, regardless of whether one person in the relationship is disordered, or both are, or neither are.

If you've ever been in an amateur play situation, you understand the concept of scripts: Person A says line 1, Person B says line 2. If Person B forgets line 2, Person A will repeat his/her line, or rephrase it in certain ways, trying to prompt Person B to remember and say line 2.

In a  disordered conversation, it's like Person A and Person B are working from two different scripts.

Source: data.whicdn.com via Jess on Pinterest

Person A comes bouncing into the room and displays a bottle of nail polish. "Look at this!" s/he says exuberantly. "This weekend, I'm going to paint all my nails this pretty robin's egg blue!"

What Person A is hoping for in response could go in any number of directions:

• Ooh, what a gorgeous color! Can you do mine, too?
• You're always doing something wild and crazy. [If said with affection]
• That's going to look great on you.
• When I was growing up,women only painted their nails in shades of red. All the different colors still look strange to me, but I've noticed many women wearing them. [An invitation to a discussion about changing fashions.]
• Alrighty then.

Basically, Person A wants any response that says, "I hear you, I love you, I support you, I approve of you."

But what if, for whatever reason, Person B freaks out?  

I recently read psychologist Jonathan Haidt's The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion. 

In this book he brings compelling evidence that we reach conclusions quickly, and produce reasons later only to justify what we've already decided.  He even references demand-resistance, though not by that name.

In a split second, Person B's "gut reaction" is that s/he doesn't like Person A's wild nail polish plans. It's not based on facts or logic, though s/he may truly believe it is. S/he doesn't like it, therefore it's wrong, therefore s/he must convince Person A that it's wrong. Her/his verbal response may be:

• I can't believe you wasted your money [or our money] on something so stupid.
• That color is so ugly.
• Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
• You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
• Did you forget we have plans this weekend? When did you think you were going to do this wild manicure scheme?
• I don't suppose you remembered to pick up the Whoosits I asked you to get, did you?
• I wish something so shallow and superficial made me happy.

Person B has changed the script. Whatever Person A replies now, the only correct response for Person B has become, "I accept your opinion/displeasure/dominance, and will no longer proceed to paint my nails this color."

JADEing is an attempt to return to the first script.

Person A really does want Person B's approval, or at the very least, tolerance and not disapproval. JADEing assumes that the issue is a failure in communication, that Person B can be won over, if only the right reasons are presented.

But because Person's B's reaction is emotional, not logical, no matter how many of her/his arguments get shot down, s/he will come back with more, because s/he knows it is wrong for Person A to wear that nail polish.

The issue is not (and never was, really) about a minor fashion choice. It's about whose opinion/wish gets validated.

The only way the conversation can end is if either Person A or Person B realizes that the script is not going to be followed, and exits the circular conversation, because the relationship is more important than "winning" their point.

JADEing is about getting sucked into a power struggle.

[Justifying]
Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're always splurging. Don't you think a homeless person would have appreciated you dropping the money in his cup?
Person A: I am not always splurging, I haven't bought anything for myself in months, and I give plenty of money to homeless people and charity.
Person B: If you have any left after wasting your money on ugly nail polish.

[Arguing]
Person B: That color is ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: Just because it looks good on a garden shed doesn't mean it's a good color for nail polish. It'll make your hands look like a corpse.
Person A: It will not. I've never seen a corpse with robin's egg blue nails.
Person B: Like you're an expert on dead bodies?

[Defending]
Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: Oh, so Ann Romney is a fashion icon now? And your role model?
Person A: She's a lovely woman. I don't have to agree with her politics to notice she's attractive.
Person B: I got news for ya, sweetheart, she pays a lot for that hair, wardrobe, and makeup. You think you're in that league?
Person A: It's not an entire wardrobe, it's a bottle of nail polish, for Pete's sake!
Person B: So you think you can accomplish with one bottle of nail polish what she needs an entire staff of top stylists to pull off? Good luck with that!

[Explaining]
Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I can still smell it on you when you come in.
Person A: Fine, I'll stay out an extra 15 minutes to make sure any smell has disappated.
Person B: I don't understand why you can't just let your nails stay their natural color.
Person A: It's fun, it's a quick and easy way to feel young and pretty.
Person B: *snorts* They say there's no fool like an old fool.

Eventually, Person B may get her/his way - persuading Person A not to wear the nail polish. Or, Person A may wear it anyway, but all the joy will have been sucked out of doing so. When JADEing mode is entered, neither party feels heard or satisfied.

Let's try cutting JADE off at the pass.

Here's some ways Person A can end the circular conversation.

Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: What one person considers wasteful, others consider a necessity. Sounds like you're in a sour mood; want to tell me about it?

Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: I'm sorry you think so, but I like it. What movie shall we see this weekend?

Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A [joking]: Crap, you've discovered my secret identity; grandparent by day, Grandmaster Trendsetter by night.

Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: You do seem to get a lot of headaches. What does your doctor say about that?


Here's some ways Person B can end the circular conversation.

Source: Uploaded by user via Pao on Pinterest

Person B: I can't believe you wasted money on something so stupid.
Person A: It's not like it's a lot of money, it's only a little splurge.
Person B: You're right, I'm sorry I called it stupid. I'm sure I've spent as much or more money on things you'd consider silly, too. We're all entitled to splurge once in a while.



Person B: That color is so ugly.
Person A: It is not! And you like it on everything else, it's the exact color of the garden shed.
Person B: You know, you're right. I do like that color on the garden shed, and I am sure I will get used to it on you, because you make everything beautiful.

Person B: Don't you think you're a little old to try to be trendy?
Person A: Lots of women and some men wear blue nail polish. Ann Romney is in her sixties, and I saw her on TV wearing nail polish almost exactly this shade.
Person B: You know, you're right. I'm sorry I said you were too old. I think I'm too old, to get used to all these new fashions - but you'll be patient with me, won't you?  [joking] Have you seen my buttonhook around?

Person B: You know that the odor of nail polish gives me a raging headache.
Person A: Yes, I haven't forgotten. That's why I always do my manis and pedis out on the porch where it won't disturb you.
Person B: I don't think I've given you enough credit for doing that, and I do appreciate it. Sometimes, though, the odor is still really intense for me when you come inside. Would you be offended if I went into another room or let you know it still was too strong for me?


It takes time, practice, and above all, awareness, to realize you (or another person) have gotten sucked into a JADEing loop, which becomes not hearing, respecting, or validating the other person, but "I must win this point."

If an argument or discussion ends with one party feeling deflated, stupid, or disrespected, then both parties have lost, even the person who thinks s/he "won."

Relationships are not supposed to be wars. A successful relationship is where the goal is not that one person wins, and the other loses, but that both win.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesday - Reinforce Positive Changes Sensitively

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 7 - Reinforce Positive Changes - But Do It Sensitively from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

7 - Reinforce Positive Changes - But Do It Sensitively
<snip> If your spouse, parent, co-worker or friend does begin to behave less obsessively, you need to realize that this is a real accomplishment that shows not only strength and courage, but a commitment to making your relationship better. Often it's an act of love.

<snip> Drawing attention to changes in the obsessive may make him uneasy. For one thing, he may still feel tentative about the changes, and too blatant an acknowledgment of them may make him feel more committed to maintaining them than he can tolerate.

You must also consider the impact of the obsessive's all-or-nothing thinking. If you react too strongly to the slightest improvement (if, for example, he comes home from work an hour earlier than usual), he may fear that you'll expect him to do it every night. If you comment favorably on his decreased demands for orderliness, again his anxiety might rise. He may think that now you'll expect him to change still more, and he may dig in his heels. <snip>

You'll probably do better to reinforce behavioral improvements in only the most subtle, gentle ways. Effective reinforcers vary from one person to another. Most people like such things as affection, praise, or sex, but not everyone. Some respond best to silence, food, or even distances. You have to tune into your obsessive and discern his or her specific reinforcers.

<snip> she identified some of her own behaviors that were pushing David away - pouncing gleefully upon any signs that he was leaning toward a stronger commitment, for instance. Instead Barbara learned to make little or no fuss when he showed signs of moving closer to her. In fact, she would redouble her efforts to maintain her own separate interests (as hard as that was for her initially).

<snip> She found that the more independence she achieved and the more fulfilled she became by her own separate interests, the stronger she became. Her mental picture of herself, who she was meant to be, became clearer and more cohesive. She also was more certain of what she wanted and didn't want, and about what she would and would not tolerate from David. Ultimately she felt more capable of taking care of herself should the relationship end. But that didn't happen. With less pressure on him, David became more comfortable with intimacy and with spending more time together. Eventually he was able to commit himself to engagement and finally marriage. His basic personality type didn't change; he remained fairly obsessive, while Barbara was not particularly so. Yet they were able to enrich both their lives by being together.

***

Some people have compared winning over an obsessive to courting a cat - I would go a step further and say it's like winning over a feral cat. Move too quickly, slobber over it too much, or try to drag it into your lap, and it's going to scram in the opposite direction, possibly after shredding you like a wheel of cheese as it exits.  Ignore it, and it may come check you out.

from Icanhazcheezburger

I've blogged here before about my mistake in praising a specific meal my ex made too highly; something he made at least 2-3 times each month in the first two years we lived together. My birthday was coming up, and he asked what I would like for dinner that night; I named that dish, and went into too much detail about how much I liked it, and how well he made it.  Demand-resistance kicked in; not only did he have excuses as to why he couldn't make it for me for my birthday, but in the following four years we lived together, he never made that meal again.

If you want sex, or physical affection, you might have to play hard to get, because the "normal" interactions of touching shoulders, arms, hands, etc., again may wake demand-sensitivity or demand resistance.  If a hoarder cleans out a drawer, a brief acknowledgment is probably better than excessive praise or discussion of when the next twenty drawers will be addressed.

If you want a "normal" relationship, you will not have one with an un- or undertreated obsessive person.  You will always have to move slowly, carefully, and sensitively, aware that s/he may take your foibles personally, and trying to keep in mind that hers or his foibles probably aren't personal.

I'm a "cat" person (though I like dogs, too). I've had many, over the years (though maximum of three at the same time; I'm not a crazy cat person). One cat I had nearly her entire life, from an eight-week kitten to when she died of thyroid disease at 15. In that entire time, she crawled into my lap maybe three times. She was super-shy and skittish with people, that was her temperament (though she got along fine with the other cat). There were times I barely saw her except at mealtimes, and if startled, I might not see her even at mealtimes for days. In her last three years, when she was in an affectionate mood, she might jump onto my bed and sleep at my feet, or curl up next to me when I was watching TV or crafting. I don't think she ever did the I-love-you/feed-me ankle-rub trick that most cats do.

That worked fine for me, with that cat. She was my cat, not an intimate partner. But I did want more, in an intimate partner. I wanted to not always have to be on guard, to not always be bandaging my scratches, to be able to give and receive affection freely and without reservation.  To be able to compliment a meal without worrying whether I had praised it/him too much and thus stressed him out with my unspoken expectations.

My ex couldn't give me what I needed in a relationship, although he did and does have many wonderful qualities. If you love an obsessive person, s/he may not be as extreme as my ex was - or might be even more so. You may not be as hurt or troubled by the behaviors as I was.  So your relationship may work fine.

Keep in mind, though, that all the work and love and patience and understanding in the world will not change a feral cat into a lap cat - and certainly won't change her/him into a tail-wagging, always happy-to-see-you isn't-my-master-wonderful dog.  Change yourself, first, as Barbara did, and many of us have learned the hard way.  Learn to be independent and how to maintain good boundaries, and then, from that viewpoint, you can more easily discern if the relationship is worth keeping, or whether you need to move on.

Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 10 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem & Independence

Be a dragon - fiercely guarding your independence.

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

6 - Foster Your Own Self-Esteem and Independence

Many obsessives hate to be dependent upon anything or anyone; they equate dependency with vulnerability. Unconsciously they feel that allowing their lives to revolve around another person would leave them open to utter devastation - should the other person turn against them, for example, or stop loving them, or even die. As a result, most don't let themselves depend too heavily even upon their closest friends and lovers.

<snip> For one thing, if you've made yourself completely dependent upon him, the obsessive may feel that you've imposed on him the frightening or burdensome responsibility of being absolutely indispensable to your emotional well-being. Given his need for a sense of options and freedom, this may both frighten and anger him.

<snip>Another aspect of being emotionally dependent on a relationship is that your sense of worth comes to rely upon feedback from the other person. Even minor variations in that feedback may cause your self-esteem and sense of security to plunge or soar. You're really setting yourself up for emotional turbulence if you rely too heavily upon approval or praise from some obsessives, because they aren't particularly good at expressing these things. Remember: their style of perception is to notice and be bothered by what's not right with things. And their need to guard their emotions may make it hard for them to show positive feelings or appreciation.

Cross the bridge, if you dare!

<snip> Start by trying to rediscover who you are - who you were before you met the other person. Work on developing separate interests and then pursue them vigorously, just as you would have if you had not become involved at this time. Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.

As you struggle to establish your separate self, feelings of anxiety and insecurity may assail you. You may feel empty or isolated at first. You may worry that you are jeopardizing the relationship by not paying it enough attention. Fight these feelings!  Try to act as if you felt strong and safe. Don't let the other person get the idea that your happiness or security depends entirely upon reassurance from him or her. More important, don't you accept that notion as unalterable true, because it isn't.

What is true is that at some point your friend or lover could decide to end the relationship, and you have no control over that. Throughout this book, I've discussed self-defeating aspects of the obsessive's need for complete control. The same dynamic applies to you. The more you attempt to mold your relationship, the more vigilantly you watch over it, the more likely you are to poison it. In some respects, the commitment-fearing obsessive is like a cat: most likely to remain close to you when you're absorbed in your own interests and to scoot away when you embrace it too vigorously.

Learn to accept the fact that any relationship could end. Find a way to resign yourself to that possibility. It's true that it would be extremely painful, but in the vast majority of cases, that pain is temporary. Don't think for a moment that you couldn't get through it. You could. And just as you have before, you would eventually find happiness with someone else.

***

The reflection enhances the bridge,
but the bridge exists, even if there was no reflection.
You are the bridge, not the reflection.

Strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship.  To me, this is the key sentence of the entire book, for partners, children, siblings, and co-workers of a Perfectionist Personality.  (Though you need to read the entire book to "get" the full picture of why obsessives behave as they do, and why hoovering and being enmeshed doesn't make things better, but instead is gasoline on the fire.)

No matter how much time, energy, and effort you pour into a relationship, you yourself can't fix it. What you can do is make things better for yourself, rediscover who you are.

Maybe you liked to paint, or bake bread, or carve wood, and were dissuaded, over time, because your partner was dismayed by the mess. Reclaim that hobby.  Maybe you used to meet once a week with friends to discuss reading or writing, and gave it up because you were tired of coming home to World War Three. (I know I did.)  Put it back on your schedule. Maybe you love exploring local museums and gardens - get a friend, or go on your own, if your partner hates that kind of thing.

 It will be hard.  You will get blowback, Your partner may pout, throw tantrums, or try to sabotage your efforts to reclaim your soul. Do it anyway. 

look at the variety of color in these roses!

 Eventually they may see that no matter what they say or do, you're going to go for coffee with your girlfriends on Thursday nights, or spend Saturday mornings working on your classic car - whatever YOUR "thing" is, as long as you still leave time for family activities (don't go overboard and spend all your time on you), they have no grounds to complain.  They will probably complain anyway, and it will be hard, and you will feel exhausted at first, but over time, you will feel the abandoned garden of your life sprouting roses again.

Remember not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It is enough to tell your partner, "Honey, I've decided to rejoin my Sunday night writers' group, starting this weekend. I'll be leaving at 6:30 on those nights and home around 10:30."

"Why? "
"Because I want to."
"But we usually spend Sunday nights watching TV. I guess you don't love me anymore, if you don't want to spend any time together.  And how will you ever be ready for work on Monday morning when you're out partying with your friends till late Sunday night?"
"Hon? Love you, done talking about this."
"But-"
"Done. Talking."

A real Wisteria Lane.

Did I mention it will be hard? The enmeshment probably happened slowly, gradually, and now it is as deep-rooted as ivy that has choked off every inch of the garden.  You might not feel like you know who "you" are, anymore, but whatever roles you fill: daughter, sister, aunt, mother, wife, friend, co-worker - you are MORE than that. You need to tap down to the root of you, water and fertilize it.

As mentioned in Too Perfect, if you depend upon a person who's hard-wired to notice flaws, to notice and compliment all your good qualities, you are doomed to disappointment. You must find a way to fill yourself up, separate and apart from your interactions with that person, no matter who s/he is or how long your relationship has lasted (if it's a parent, it's been your whole life).

If you reclaim you, your relationship may survive; it may improve, or it may end. But if your relationship is built upon you killing and sacrificing everything you love to do, everything that feeds your soul and makes you feel good about yourself, then are "you" really in that relationship, anyway?

Your thoughts?All photos, except for the Too Perfect book link, were taken by the author
at Pasadena's Huntington Gardens.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Don't Pressure the Obsessive

via Flickr Creative Commons

This post continues with Living With the Obsessive: 5 - Don't Pressure the Obsessive from Chapter Ten.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If   you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

5 - Don't Pressure the Obsessive

What about when you want the obsessive to do something - anything from making a simple decision to changing some deeply entrenched pattern?

Be forewarned: any direct confrontation in which you try to force the other person to change is almost certainly doomed to failure. Your request or demand will only increase his inclination to assert his dominance or "rightness," escalating the power struggle.

<snip>He and a fellow lawyer were choosing between two available offices in a building they planned to share. Hal, my patient, was perfectly content to give his associate first choice, but the other man was vacillating, holding up Hall's move into the new quarters. Hal related one of their conversations:

"Once again, I asked him which one he wanted, and he told me he still couldn't decide. Since he'd been leaning toward number two, I told him that he could have it and I would take the other one. But he hit the roof, telling me that he hadn't said he wanted number two, and that the rent was higher. So I said, 'Okay. You take number one, and I'll take number two.'

"'Number one is too small.'

"'Would you rather I choose?'

"'No! I was here first, so I think I deserve first choice.'

"'Do you have any idea when you'll know which office you want?'

"'I don't know'."

via Flickr Creative Commons

At first, maybe the other man's goal really was, as he consciously believed, to pick the office that best suited his needs; secondarily, he may have enjoyed the sense of control he felt in making Hal wait. But when Hal pressured him, that changed. The associate became more invested in keeping the control, which he did by obstructing Hal.  The more impatient Hal got, the more determined the other was to delay his decision, because by now he as angry. He couldn't show it directly because he had no logical reason for it. So instead he unconsciously retaliated by blocking Hal.

I suggested that Hal try backing off completely - that he tell the associate to take his time and call whenever he had decided. When I saw Hal a week later, he said that given that leeway, his associate had decided instantly.

<snip>Instead of saying, "You must change," for example, make sure you're conveying, "I would like you to do this, for reasons x, y, and z." If you have to know your boss's plans by a certain date, tell him so, but be sure to explain why, so that he doesn't interpret your need to know as an ultimatum, a control play, or manipulation. Your reasons should always reflect your own needs, or your difficulty with the status quo, rather than a judgment about the obsessive's behavior. For instance, say, "If I don't find out your plans by such-and-such a time, I won't be able to obtain a reduced-rate ticket," not, "I hate it when you do this to me. You always make me wait, and it's so inconsiderate!"

<snip> While change in the obsessive must come from within, sometimes healthy, truly unilateral changes in one partner will inspire changes in the other. We aren't truly sure why this happens, but some would say that one person's chronic tardiness and its outcome - the partner's nagging and pushing him - is a recreation of some aspect of a childhood relationship, and that it suits some need in each party. This view says that one one refuses to continue in the role of nagging, disappointed, disapproving parent, the other loses his unwitting collaborator and drops the corresponding role.

***

via Flickr Creative Commons

Tiptoeing around The Right Way to approach the Perfectionist Personality can be a minefield.  

While yes, much tact is needed, and Mallinger's excellent suggestions to back off if possible, or to give the reason in a non-judgmental way do work much of the time, sometimes they don't.

My advice is, if you do your best to be tactful and non-pressuring, and your partner or parent blows up anyway, don't take it personally. I've heard of teens (or younger children) getting blasted because they had to get a parent's signature on a field trip permission slip or a report card by a certain date, and they didn't ask in the right way or at the right moment.  Now, perhaps they didn't use ultimate tact or timing, but they're kids - they shouldn't have to.

There are several families I know whose best working solution to time conflicts is to take two separate vehicles to most social events. Maybe the Perfectionist insists on being places twenty minutes early, no matter what, and frets over being asked to wait when he is ready to leave. Maybe the Perfectionist waits until the last minute to do her hair and is always running late.  Maybe one member of the household likes to hang around and socialize after church, and the other wants to head straight home the moment the service ends. By taking two vehicles, the power squabble about when to leave is averted, even if it creates a slightly bigger gasoline bill and a few raised eyebrows from family or friends. (If anyone even notices. Outsiders generally notice less about our internal family dynamics than we think they do, and they care even less, being busy with their own affairs.)

Some things, you have to jump on at the right moment - if you have a plane reservation at XX time, and there's a shuttle picking your family up at XX time to catch that reservation, you'll either make it or miss it, Sweetcheeks.  Other events, like a family car road trip - if your goal is leaving at five a.m., and instead you leave at five-fifteen, or even six, this is not a national disaster.

What is very true about this section of Too Perfect, is the observation when you change your habitual behavior, the dynamic in the relationship will change. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, sometimes it's not possible to determine in which direction it is, but it will be different.

When most people discover OCPD, and make an amateur diagnosis of their partner, parent, friend or co-worker, the first question is usually, "How do I change or fix this person?'

The answer, that you can't change other people, only yourself, feels weird, wrong, and counter-intuitive. Hey, they are the people with the problem! Whaddya mean, I have to change myself?

But it's true. First off, just because they (might) have a diagnosable mental disorder, does not mean those of us who chose to partner them, or work with them, or who are unchosen (siblings, children, parents, and so on) are totally disorder-free. We may very well have our own Issues ("Can you say co-dependence, boys and girls?"), and would do well to heed the Bible's advice about removing the beam from our own eye, as a first step.

Second, what we are looking to change is not really the other person, but the dynamics of our relationship with the other person.  Our relationship with this person, about whom we care deeply (or perhaps hate, in the case of the Boss from Hell), is currently very painful, and we want it to be Not Painful. Joyous, even.

There is no fairy wand we can wave and !Poof! The other person is no longer obsessive and perfectionistic.

But when we change the "ballet" we've worked out - and there always is one, when Person A says/does X, Person B replies Y - we are already shaking things up. Doesn't matter if we are Person A or Person B, if we change the way we approach or reply to another person, they are forced to rethink and change the way they interact with us.

Does it work?
Yes and no. It depends on what we are looking for.

If we hope there is some magic formula, that, when applied, will make a relationship with a disordered person (not counting the we ourselves may have disorders of our own) into a quote normal unquote relationship, then no, it doesn't work. What is possible (sometimes) is a relationship that is more tolerable and less painful for us.  Sometimes it may feel like what we consider normal, but we can never let our guard down, never assume that yippee, the problems are all better now. A disordered brain is like a roller skate that always wants to go left - it takes active awareness and effort to make it go right or straight, and the minute you let it go on autopilot, you end up going left again. If we are skating arm in arm with the person with the gimpy skate, we cannot blithely follow their lead.

And sometimes, the other person may become so frustrated and upset that we have chosen to make major changes in the relationship dynamic, that they choose to end it, altogether.  There are no guarantees (and sometimes, the partner of a disordered person might do anything and everything his/her partner requests, and the disordered person STILL ends the relationship).

If you are hurting, and the way your current relationship is "working" is not working, for you, isn't it worth trying a different approach?

Your thoughts?