The Use and Misuse of Anger



from BarbaraWilliams2010 at Flickr


Sometimes we trick ourselves into believing a lot of bullshit.

For example, the idea that anger is a "bad" emotion.  That "nice" people (especially nice girls) don't get good and angry sometimes.  That we should always forgive people, even when they continue to do or say hurtful things to us, over and over again.

How's that workin' out for you? 

It sure didn't work for me.

Jules over at Big Girl Bombshell is hosting his month's Self-Discovery series, and her word is ANGER.

At first, I thought, anger?  Not something light and fluffy, kittens and rainbows and lemony-fresh thoughts?  Then I realized I was once again buying into the myth that anger is a bad thing. 

Can anger be abused?  Absolutely.  I know people for whom anger is their go-to emotion.  Seems like they always keep a pot o' rage simmering on the stove, and the smallest slight, misunderstanding, or disagreement gets hoarded and tossed in the pot, a scalding weapon ready to throw in the face of their Significant Others in future arguments.  "Yes, but remember in 1998 when you said I looked stupid in my Leprechaun costume and striped stockings?"

For those AngryMen and AngryWomen, anger may have become addictive.  Anger is certainly a "safer" emotion than acknowledging fear, doubt, uncertainty.  It can be used as a weapon to control loved ones, whether it's the bitter cold, ice queen treatment (my ex was a pro at the Silent but Stomping manner), or the typical volcanic eruption that everyone in the family tiptoes around, fearful lest anything set it off.



from Wikimedia Commons


People also stuff anger down, with food (this would be me), sex, shopping, exercise, work...  I don't know how many times I would not allow myself to feel angry at something, and then later... Many days, weeks, months, pounds later - someone would do something that made me legitimately angry - say, took a parking spot, and smiled and flipped me the bird while doing so, and I would inwardly boil for hours about it.

Well.  The reason something as minor as a pilfered parking spot could make me furious for hours is all that bottled up anger.  I've come to realize that sooner of later, I'm going to have to experience all my deferred emotions: anger, sorrow, loneliness, fear...  Like a credit card, eventually everything that hasn't been paid or felt will come due.  With interest.

When it came to my OCPD ex, I had to finally get good and angry about the way he treated me.  Yes, maybe he's mentally disordered, maybe he couldn't help it, but dammit, I did not deserve to be treated that way.  By anybody.

Righteous anger is an essential part of motivating ourselves to make changes in ourselves, in our homes, in our world.

I'm learning (oh, so slowly!) to be more mindful, in the moment.  To try to let myself breathe and figure out what I'm feeling.  Am I feeling angry?  Is it real anger, or is it fear-in-drag (like when a child dashes across the street, almost getting hit by a car, and his parent swats his bottom)?

Okay, I'm feeling angry.  Why am I feeling angry?  Am I feeling anger in proportion to the offense, or am I dragging a lot of old baggage into it?

Now, what do I want to do with my anger?  This is where a lot of people blow it, literally.  What we do with our anger is a CHOICE, and there are always many choices.  We can scream at a loved one, or a stranger.  We can punch a hole in a wall, kick the cat, go for a swim, write a nasty letter, eat an entire cheesecake, take a deep breath and explain to the person why their suggestion is unacceptable, and offer an alternative, or try dozens of other things. 

from http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/

If we scream at a loved one, and try to excuse it, later, "I couldn't help it, you made me so angry," we're into Bullshit Territory again.  It's possible that their actions or speech did, indeed, make us feel angry, but screaming was our choice.  Possibly even the best choice for that particular situation, but we are lying to ourselves if we tell ourselves we couldn't have done anything but scream.

If we feel that someone is continually taking advantage of us in some way, getting angry is fine, but then we have choices.  Always borrowing the car without permission?  We make sure that person no longer has access to the keys.  We may, in fact, have to end a job, a marriage, or a friendship once we begin acknowledging our anger; or our anger may enable truly meaningful changes to take place.

I'm glad I'm learning how to sit with my anger.

How about you?  Got a lesson learned about anger?

As You're Not

Say you're sorry,
even though
i know
you're not.

You don't know
how to be
anything other than
unchallenged champion of
backhanded slights,
poisonous stings,
crushing complaints,
self-serving lies,
the hero of
your own stories.
You see the world
as it isn't,
so you don't have to be
who you are.

Say you're sorry,
so I can remember you
as you're not.

This poem was written by my friend Karen G for Nat Po Wri Mo (poets were challenged to write a poem a day, and used with her permission, here.)   If you've ever been in a relationship with a disordered person, I'm sure you understand why it grabbed me so strongly.

I think one of the hardest things to accept is they don't get why/how they have hurt us so.  We get trapped into thinking, if I can only explain this better, if I can just convey exactly how hurt and terrible it makes me feel when s/he belittles, name-calls, condescends, won't listen, is nastily sarcastic... surely s/he will stop doing it.  We try and try and try, but somehow, the message doesn't get through.




It's not a failure to communicate at all.

I don't believe that people with distorted thinking are evil, but until they accept that their world view is what needs tweaking, not ours, we can try to "communicate" until we're blue in the face, and they won't get it. 

I know I upset him too.  I never followed all the shower rules (though I did try.)  I surprised him by bringing home impulse food buys from the grocery store.  I would touch his shoulder or pat his butt in passing.  I know now, that to a person with OCPD, these kinds of things are hugely upsetting, but I meant well.  

He never seemed to see that, to give me the benefit of the doubt, but each time I did or said something unexpected, he would turn on me as though I was an enemy.  He would keep me from hurting him by hurting me first, by keeping me at a distance, calling me names, putting me down at every opportunity.

I know that he loved me in his way, that he truly would have taken a bullet for me. (Bullet, yes, shrink's couch - hell no!)

I got plenty of "I'm sorry's."  Lots of "I'm sorry if you took that the wrong way," or "were too sensitive," or even, sometimes, a full-out, "I'm sorry.  That was uncalled for and I shouldn't have said it." 

I have friends who think it would make them feel better, just to get one sincere apology.  And for me, it did at first.  It made me feel like there was hope, like he was seeing the damage he was doing to me, to us.   Finally!

Then it got to be like the neighbor who keeps stealing your parking spot.  After the 11th time they've apologized but done it again anyway, and you realize they have no intention of changing the behavior, it's just meaningless noise.  And perhaps, another verbal weapon, "I said I was sorry!  What's wrong with you that you can't forgive and forget?!"

Part of the growth, part of my healing, is that I need to work it out without depending on the right apologies or closure from him. 

How about you?  Did this poem speak to you, too?

Have you learned to move on without needing closure 

from a damaged person, or...?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap. 2 Control Strategies Can Conflict

Too many good food choices?
photo from Food Recipes 123

This post continues with Control Strategies Can Conflict and Failure of The Myth, from Chapter Two.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

CONTROL STRATEGIES CAN CONFLICT

We've seen how the obsessive's need for control extends into three main areas: control of self, others, and impersonal events. Although I have discussed each separately, these aspects of control often commingle.  Sometimes they conflict.

Jennifer, for instance, recounted this sequence of events.  She was a perfectionist with strong opinions about everything from what dish detergent worked best to which clothing designers offered the best best.  So when she and a group of friends were deciding where to go for dinner, Jennifer knew immediately in her own mind which was the best choice.  She refrained, however, from explicitly trying to persuade the group to go there.  "I didn't want the whole decision to be on my shoulders," she said.  (In the next chapters we'll take a close look at how perfectionism provokes such fear of decision-making.) Instead she insisted that the choice made no difference to her.  The more the group discussed other possibilities, however, the more Jennifer inwardly chafed.  Almost in spite of herself, she began to try unobtrusively to influence the decision toward her preference, casually mentioning a few advantages of the spot, noting a drawback to one of the alternatives.  And yet almost the moment the group did select her preference, Jennifer found herself regretting she had ever said anything that might have tipped the scales in the decision.  All the way to the restaurant she worried: about whether the same chef was working there; whether everyone in the group would like this type of food; whether the service would be too slow,  Later, when one of her companions voiced a minor complaint about his meals, the comment deeply upset her.  She had assumed total responsibility over the whole experience, as if it were under her control to make everything work out well.

<snip> Her desire to control the group's behavior directly (by picking the restaurant outright) conflicted with her fear that her choice might turn out to be less than perfect, and thus lower her friends' opinion of her.  When she nonetheless subtly nudged them into selecting her choice, she began to worry (as if that might prevent the worst from happening) and to voice some of her concerns in a display of self-protective pessimism.

FAILURE OF THE MYTH

A whole host of experiences stand ready to contradict the Myth of Control, pointing out to obsessives that in fact they can't always completely control themselves, others, and life's impersonal events.  They will feel some irrepressible emotions and see their self-discipline lapse at times.  Despite their best efforts, someone at some time is bound to disapprove of them.  And despite all their precautions and all their attempts to mollify the Scorekeeper, obsessives, like anyone else, are almost certain to get sick, hurt themselves, or suffer financial reverses now and then.

***

Gee, boys and girls, can we say passive-aggressive? Ex-boyfriend would do this - refuse to state a preference, maintain that it didn't matter to him at all, and then, when I'd say, okay, we'll go with the green one (or whatever), throw a hissy-fit because he didn't want the green one.  This crazymaking game of "guess what I want" where they don't give you a clue, yet get very, very upset if you guess wrong, is exhausting.

And yet, in all fairness, I have to say I've done this myself sometimes.  (Probably more than sometimes, I'm sure I've done it more than I was aware of.)  I'm working on this so when there is a group choice, and it does matter to me, not being afraid to speak up and say, "I prefer this," or "I'd rather not that."  Pushy?  Outspoken?  I can live with that, rather than being passive-aggressively manipulative.

Back to the restaurant scenario - let's say I tell my friends, I want to eat at Restaurant X.  Let's say we go there and it is the absolute worst restaurant experience ever in the history of meals: the service is bad; the food is cold and inedible; and it's overpriced.

So what?  I would probably make a joke about it, that obviously I was on some really, really good (or bad) drugs when I'd been there before, we'd all laugh it off, and it would become an "in" joke: "Do you all remember when we went to The Worst Restaurant on Earth?"  If I went to a bad restaurant, or watched a movie I didn't care for, or tried to read a book that I couldn't get into on a friend's recommendation, I wouldn't think less of the friend.  I'd just think, wow, our tastes were not alike in this particular instance.

Have experienced this kind of mix of behaviors, either in yourself 

or that you've seen in someone else?

Share in the comments, please.