The Largest Hoard Begins With But A Single Piece of Crap



from My Mother-in-Law is Still Sitting Between Us.
used by permission
Please go visit for more insights (& pics) on hoarding

I didn't live in a Hoarding House, capital letters. 

I did live in a hoarding house, in progress.  I refused to live in a Hoarding House, but I could see the writing on the wall =  the boxes stacked in the garage.  Creeping into the computer room.  The non-functional TV on the floor of the bedroom.

When people (who've never dealt with hoarders) see news stories or hear about it, their reactions are usually, "I would never let it get so bad," they say.  "I would put my foot down."  They're not  meaning to be self-righteous, but they don't "get" how tightly those with a hoarding problem cling to their crap.  The few experts in the field have a very, very hard time trying to therapize hoarders to break the habit.

It's a very real mental disorder, although many hoarders live seemingly normal lives outside their homes or hoarding areas (some actually hoard in their cars, too.)

The Wheelchair

photo by Medical Products Direct

My OCPD ex devoted his life to caring for his elderly parents' lives in their last few years.  He bathed his mother and changed her diapers.  He spoonfed both parents as necessary.  When his father developed circulation problems, my ex did physical therapy with him, rubbed his legs, not giving up until the man regained partial mobility.  Ex's aunt loaned a wheelchair during this time, which had been used by her late husband.  Later, when ex's parents began their final decline, it was in constant use, especially for his father.  Shortly after his father died (at 96), ex b-f put the wheelchair in the garage.

This occurred in the first few months of our dating, when I was unaware of his OCPD.  Mostly, he seemed "normal" (honeymoon/courting stage) and I chalked up any quirky behavior as due to his loss and grief.  I truly thought him a hero, and in many ways, he was.

About two months after the father's funeral (the mother predeceased the father by about 4 months,) the elderly aunt came by while I was present.  The idea was to have the aunt sort through her deceased sister's clothing, prior to them being donated/sold, to see if she wanted anything. 

During the visit, she requested the return of her wheelchair.  Ex explained that it had been in the garage, and was currently all dusty and cobwebby, to please let him clean it up and return it to her at a future date.  Although it did occur to me that perhaps ex associated the wheelchair with his father, and had some trouble letting ago, I thought the clean-up excuse was not wholly unreasonable.

When he and I moved in together, over a year later... the wheelchair went from sitting in the garage of the parents' home, to sitting in the carport of our home.  Okay.  He'd had a lot on his plate, so it wasn't a priority, but surely within a few months, after we were settled in, we could clean it up, and make the trip (about 30 miles) to have a visit with the aunt and return the wheelchair.  No biggie.  So I assumed.

Shortly, as his OCPD behaviors flared out of control, the wheelchair became the least of my worries.  Still, I would make periodic attempts to get it returned, as it continued to sit in the carport, taking up valuable space, gathering more cobwebs, becoming more and more pitted with rust.

I tried reasoning, arguing, guilt, anger.  I tried mentioning it once a month; I tried not mentioning it for an entire year.  I tried bringing it up one year, early in May, as a suggestion for something we could do over the Memorial Day weekend; we could clean up the wheelchair, visit his aunt, and still have plenty of time for all the "normal" weekend activities that kept him so worried/busy (read, churning).

He wouldn't budge.  He didn't have time to clean it up; it had been used when his aunt bought it so it wasn't worth much anyway, and he was the one who'd put all the work into fixing it, so it wasn't like he was depriving her of something with much monetary value; it wasn't any of my business; what if he needed a wheelchair, didn't I know that he wasn't feeling very well?  However many times I brought it up, he had an excuse answer for why it simply wasn't possible at that time.

In retrospect, it's a classic example of how OCPD can become deeply conflicted when two imperatives collide.  On the one hand, the moral side - he verbally agreed with me that when somebody loans you something, you return it in as good or better shape as when you borrowed it.  And you always return what you've borrowed, even if it's a dog-chewed pencil with the lead missing.

Especially when the lender has asked for it back.  Returning something that belongs to someone else is the Right Thing To Do - and OCPD is all about always doing the Right Thing.

But then, there's Demand Resistance plus the OCPD hoarding compulsion.  (Note: It appears that in the upcoming DSM-V, hoarding will not be included as part of the diagnostic criteria for OCPD, but as its own illness.  While it's true that not all hoarders have OCPD, and not all of those with OCPD hoard, many do.  Of those with OCPD who don't hoard, many are the mirror opposite - they have a compulsive need to throw everything away.)

Hoarding, for some, seems to be tied to procrastination  (better not to do something at all, unless 100% convinced it can be done Right.)  To fear of catastrophe/future need. (What if I throw this away and need it later?)

Photo via The Concert T-shirt Etiquette Guide

Then there's the attachment most people have, to some degree, to inanimate objects.  Most of us have an old teddy bear or a favorite T-shirt, that has no practical use but we can't bear to throw away.  It's not the scrap of fabric, itself, but the memories that we don't want to let go.  When we look at that T-shirt, we are once again 18 years old, in a pack of friends screaming our lungs out for Dio or Black Sabbath or New Kids on the Block.

I can totally sympathize that perhaps in some subconscious way, ex b-f felt that the wheelchair = his father.  That it was really, really hard to let it go.  I did have a problem that, after nearly six years living together, seven years after his father's death, he still could not bring himself to return his elderly aunt's property.

Or, to get rid of a lot of other old things that were making our lives together worse, not better, and which, like the wheelchair, continued to gather cobwebs and were slowly rusting into the ground.

I wish I could tell you what the answer is.  In the end, I was not willing to live in a growing hoard.  Faced with the choice - get help, so he could understand why it was so difficult for him to let go of these things, or watch me walk out the door - he choose the hoard over me.  Despite the verbal and emotional abuse, despite so much that was terrible in our relationship, I would have been willing to stay and help him work on it, if only he had been willing to see a therapist and work on his issues.

He wasn't.

Now he has lost me, and his aunt passed away earlier this month, so he won't have to return the wheelchair. 

Somehow, I don't think he is any happier.

Do you have a hoarding story?

Do you keep, perhaps, too many items with sentimental value?

How Can I Deny Thee, OCPD? Let Me Count The Ways

Catherine Zeta-Jones
via Wikimedia Commons

One of the most pernicious aspects of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is the fact that those who have it are usually convinced there is nothing wrong with them. With those around them, sure.  They are surrounded by fools and incompetents!  

It's hard for any of us to admit that we might be mentally ill.  There's a big stigma (perhaps it should be called a Stinkma) about having any kind of mental disorder - except for perhaps the "cool" ones, like bi-polar disorder or anorexia.

Note: I am NOT saying it is "cool" to be bi-polar or have an eating disorder.  I know full well, the very deep pain and intense suffering that those with those diseases experience.  Still, the perception in the general public is that there are glamorous models, actors and actresses who have eating disorders, or who are receiving treatment for bi-polar disorder, or substance abuse.  So if these talented, beautiful people have a problem just like ours, it becomes a little easier to admit we suffer from it, too.

There are no "beautiful people" stepping forward and saying, "I have OCPD."  Many people have never even heard of OCPD.  Often, it's confused with OCD, or Asperger's, or autism, and what is true is that some people with OCPD also have some OCD or Asperger characteristics.  They may share a sensory overload with light, sounds, or odors, for example.  They may exhibit similar emotional "meltdowns" when something occurs they did not expect.

Many of the qualities of OCPD are extremely admirable, in small doses.  When cooking, we might not realize that we've added too much salt, but we sure know it when we taste it.  Way too much salt can make food not only unpleasant but inedible.

Here's an example: many women (and some men) with OCPD obsess over a clean house.  They are constantly cleaning, disinfecting, and bleaching things.  This might not seem so bad, until you hear stories about a woman who put so much bleach into her husband's laundry that he had to be medically treated for chemical burns in his crotch.  Twice.  Sometimes an OCPD woman (or man) is so wrapped up in obsessive cleaning 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, that there is no time to socialize with friends, play with the children, or go out to dinner with the spouse.

When partners, co-workers or children first hear about OCPD, there is a thrill of recognition, relief and hope.  This is what the problem is, I'm not going crazy after all, and now my partner/father/co-worker can get treated and things will be better.

Sometimes it works that way, but more often, the person with OCPD will deeply resent getting an amateur diagnosis from his loved one.  S/he will insist the partner is the one with the problem; will look up the condition online and point out triumphantly that s/he doesn't hoard, or obsess about being on time, so you see, s/he couldn't possibly have OCPD.  (Disregarding the other items that are spot-on.)

S/he may agree to go for counseling, and then:

• Storm out because s/he doesn't like the things the counselor says.
• Refuse to listen because s/he doesn't think the credentials of the counselor are impressive enough.
• Listen but only hear part of what the counselor has to say.
• Out and out reject a professional diagnosis of OCPD and a recommended course of behavior therapy.

The counselor, in turn, may not even use the term OCPD.  Because so many who have it react negatively to "labels," s/he may pussyfoot around, refer to "obsessive-compulsive tendencies" or "overwhelming anxiety."  So in some cases, denial may occur in part because the term OCPD was never officially used in the first place.  We can understand why a counselor might make that choice, because if a patient is willing to accept some therapy, sans label, it would seem better for their well-being than forcing a diagnosis on someone who will then abandon therapy altogether.

Here's some true stories (some details have been changed): 

I finally got my wife to read the book Too Perfect, and when she did she said wow and agreed that OCPD was her all the way. So much so that she actually made an appointment and has been going to a therapist. However,..... when I mention OCPD she gets upset and says not to label her. This coming from a woman who openly admitted that she could identify with the entire book.

My boyfriend knows he's OCPD but hates "labels" and denies having OCPD. When our therapist first brought it up and read the symptoms, I had my mouth hanging open and he had the BIGGEST smile on his face. He was proud!!   Now, he denies it (it's like talking to a crazy person!) and he gets upset whenever i bring it up.

My OCPD wife went to joint counseling last year on threat of separation. When she was diagnosed with OCPD, she didn't accept it and we came to an impasse.

My husband actually found out about OCPD on his own 2 years ago, then made an appointment with a psychiatrist who officially diagnosed him. At the time I thought it was encouraging that he could admit and realize he had OCPD, but now he is in absolute denial and says he has it under control. That the problems all come from our "bad communication" skills.

My wife was diagnosed first by a neuro-psychiatrist after extensive testing with OCD. It was only after I did extensive research that I could bring OCPD to their attention, and now she is being treated for OCPD with medication and therapy.

Recently, the counselor brought up the concept of OCPD.  I later found out from the counselor that my husband wouldn't accept the diagnosis of OCPD, so the counselor took the "symptom approach," i.e. explaining to him how he was obsessive and compulsive. These he accepted. However, now that my husband has convinced himself that he doesn't have OCPD, he is very angry at me for having "imprisoned" him with this diagnosis of my own making for years. Not to mention, as far as I can tell, he's not working very hard on his "symptoms."

My girlfriend had a brain scan done and it was opposite of normal. The guy looked at her and said "how do you sleep at night?" She didn't. She knew something was up but she had no real interest in seeking a fix, something that might even help her feel better. Even her mom suggested getting help. Eventually she did go to therapy and it was about blaming everyone else. As soon as the therapist started scratching the surface she became too busy with work to go any more!!

Five years into the marriage, my husband was diagnosed with OCPD.  Constant conflict between wanting special concessions because "that is the way I am" and the continual denial that anything was wrong with him. This went on for another ten years, until I just could not stay in a war state of mind, all of the time.

Now after all this gloom and doom, is there any hope?  Yes, there is.  This is also a true story: 

I was formally diagnosed 10 years ago, and managed to completely dismiss and ignore it for many years.  My symptoms started to really get worse, to the point where I was making lists to organize my lists! I hated how I felt, was interested in feeling better, and came to learn techniques that addressed the OCPD without ever acknowledging the OCPD. It all comes down to acknowledging and taking responsibility for the chaos in your life, regardless of what the origin of that chaos is.

Having the official label of OCPD can help the partner to understand this is a mental disorder - that it is not us.  It may or may not be helpful to the person who has it.  If they would prefer to call themselves excessively perfectionistic, or "a little bit obsessive about some things," what matters is not whether they accept the label, but if they are willing to do the very hard work of battling the disorder.  



Photo via OIPA



As their loved ones, we need to understand our own boundaries, our own co-dependent tendencies to save the wounded birds.  It is entirely possible, once we stop enabling that they will feel the pain enough to take action about it.

One thing's for sure, nagging, reminding, and "helping," doesn't.

Got an experience with diagnosis and counseling you'd be willing to share? 

  

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 3 - Too Perfect

From A1 Diamonds

This post continues with Too Perfect, from Chapter Three.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

TOO PERFECT

Let's say that doing a good job is important to you.  You try to avoid making mistakes.  You pay attention to detail and strive to be thorough.  You value competence, both in yourself and in others.

Does this mean you're a perfectionist?

Not necessarily.  The aspects I described are all aspects of a normal, healthy, will to excel, a personality trait that can help one achieve personal satisfaction, material success, and professional recognition.  But in some people, the will to excel takes on exaggerated proportions.  Some people harbor the unconscious convection that any mistake at all is completely unacceptable.  They are driven to seek not just excellence but perfection.  At an unconscious level, perfectionists believe that mistake-free living is both possible and urgently necessary.

The Perfectionist's Credo says: 

1. If I always try my best and if I'm alert and sharp enough, I can avoid error.  Not only can I perform flawlessly in everything important and be the ideal person in every situation, but I can avoid everyday blunders, oversights, and poor decisions or choices.
2. It's crucial to avoid making mistakes because they would show that I'm not as competent as I should be.
3. By being perfect, I can ensure my own security with others.  They will admire me and will have no reason to criticize or reject me.  They could not prefer anyone else to me.
4. My worth depends on how "good" I am, how smart I am, and how well I perform.

***

#1 - Has anyone ever accomplished this?   Seriously?  Can any living, breathing, changing organism be "flawless" as a diamond?

We make blunders for a variety of reasons: we were tired; didn't pay close enough attention to the directions given, perhaps paid full attention but the instructions themselves were unclear; we were sick, we were distracted.  No matter how hard we try, a variety of outside factors beyond any human being's control will ensure that we will make blunders.

And, in the case of someone who is OCPD, by trying to control too much, in too many directions, that in itself will ensure that blunders are made.  Even the best jugglers can only keep so many objects in the air at one time for so long, before something drops.

#2 - When I was in school, I was very competitive.  I agonized over every test, every quiz that didn't achieve a perfect score.  Seems to me, now that I've gotten over it, this was a mark of immaturity.  I accept my errors - in business, I actually call them to the attention of my clients and supervisors.  "I've dropped the ball on X; here's how I suggest repairing the damage caused by my mistake."  Because I don't try to hide the fact that I make mistakes, because I openly acknowledge when I've blown it in some way, I actually enjoy greater trust and respect from the people I work with, because they appreciate I'm not playing Cover My A$$ with them.

#3 - People who "appear" perfect annoy the crap out of me.  Ever get one of those holiday letters:  "Looks like Abner will be top of his law school class again.  Brenda still volunteers at the Boys and Girls Club despite her being captain of the cheerleading squad for the third year in a row, plus all the AP classes she's taking.  Chuck and I just celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary with a romantic trip to Niagra Falls, and this summer we'll be re-landscaping the back yard and adding our own waterfall to the pool area with his huge bonus that we totally were not expecting."

Does your BullShit detector go off, too?  Don't you feel like a) this can't possibly be all true, they have to be hiding something, and b) if it is all true, you hate these obnoxious people?

Since we can't stand "perfect" people, why do we think that by being perfect, we'll win friends and admiration?  They'll just think of us the way we think of Chuck and Doris.

#4  In a way, this is true.  Outsiders judge our worth based on what we offer them.  If we're a "good" employee who consistently performs well, or a student who applies him/herself, we will be valued as "worth more" by our employer or teacher.  If we don't have an internal sense of self, if our sense of self-value is totally based on what others seem to think of us, then we do need to be "good."

Outside sources can be dead wrong.  In high school, I had a creepy teacher in one of my AP classes who was always putting his hand on my arm, my shoulder, leaning a little too close to see my homework...  When I began loudly calling him on it, saying in class, "Mr. Creep, please don't touch me," my grades dropped.  (Pretty much all essay-based, therefore subjective.)

At least in that area, I was strong enough/smart enough to realize that I hadn't suddenly become stupid, and that I shouldn't let Mr. Creep determine how I felt about myself.   If you have a "friend" who's been taking advantage of you for X many years, and you begin using boundaries and refusing to let her take advantage of you any longer; she might tell you you're not a good friend anymore.

We need to learn to get past judging our value based on what outsiders think of us.  Even those outsiders who are our partners - the only person who's inside my head is ME.  We need to develop an internal sense of self based on knowing ourselves, loving ourselves, accepting that we are not perfect, and never will be.

It's a lifelong work, and not easy, but much more attainable than trying to be perfect.

How about you - have you ever confused a will to excel 

with a compulsion to be perfect?

Have you found that admitting flaws actually 

brings about better relations with others?