The Relationship Was Toast from the Beginning

Image via WikipediaNot that I realized this.

See, I'm a breakfast-y person.  I have been since back in the day on the pill, I had to take my pill and vitamins with food, otherwise they made me nauseated.  I had an irregular work schedule, so my lunch and dinner were always at different times, but I could always have breakfast before work.  Might just be a bagel and some orange juice, or a bowl of cereal, but I always eat something in the morning.

Later, when I would spend the night at (an early)  boyfriend's place, if I/we had work we'd get up early and make love, then he'd treat me to IHOP.  If we didn't have work he'd make us breakfast, then we'd go back to bed and make love some more.

With a brief break for the child-rearing years, I became addicted to the whole cycle of lovemaking/breakfast/more lovemaking.  Perhaps lingering in bed or on the couch, watching old movies and cuddling, long past noon.  All of my lovers enjoyed it too, until...

At first, when I began seeing OCPD ex, we would make love first thing in the morning - but he was still caring for his aged father, so he would have to get up, go bathe and feed him.  Later, he was still set in that routine of get up and get the day started.  We might make love (morning wood), we might even linger in bed for an hour or two on a Sunday morning watching TV, but he was not a breakfast-y person.

Not knowing about OCPD, I thought it would just be a matter of time to coax him into such a fun, sensual experience on the weekends.  Memories of loveplay in the kitchen, kissing and caresses and feeding one another tidbits while making omelettes or blueberry muffins...  Forget about it.  One person in the kitchen at a time.  He had no interest in sharing the kitchen with me if I was cooking, and it was a federal offense if he was cooking and I came in, playfully grabbed his butt or kissed him.

A lot of times he claimed queasiness in the morning, that if he ate anything he would get sick.  (Since he self-medicated his anxiety with copious amounts of alcohol, can you say hangover, boys & girls?)  Most of the time, if I wanted a weekend cooked breakfast, I ate alone.  Sometimes he would allow me to fix a weekend breakfast for him, too, but we always ate at the table, never in bed or at the couch.   No loveplay during food preparation, at the table, or afterwards.

I missed a lot of things I'd come to believe were a normal part of a love relationship, but this one was a biggie for me.

And frequently, even when he "allowed" me to make him breakfasts, he found fault with them anyway.  The eggs were over or underdone.  Or cold (which often happened because he would delay coming to the table).  I prepared too much food.  Once I made scrambled eggs with bits of bacon crumbled into them.  Though he'd never told me, I should have known he didn't like bacon, ever, in any form.

He didn't even like the way I buttered his toast.  Generously, with the butter extending all the way to the edges of the toast.  That meant he got icky butter on his fingers, so unpleasant!  I began, on breakfast mornings, to simply put out the butter dish and a knife, slap the dry toast on his plate, and let him butter his own damn toast.  That way, he could leave the edges dry the way he liked them.

Although I am not yet ready to take a new lover, I am back to enjoying breakfasts again.  Quickies during the week; on the weekends, perhaps a big eggwhite scramble with broccoli, cheese and tomato.  I don't have to buy the bread he preferred, but can experiment: double fiber, whole wheat, potato bread...   Sometimes I even put jam on my toast!
Image via Wikipedia

This morning, a work day, I had a decadent two slices of Cinnabon toast (cinnamon gave him heartburn, he said) with butter (Smart Start butter substitute) spread all the way to the edge, so that each bite was equally flavorful.

I enjoyed it, but it makes me wonder...  It's been a year and a half since I moved out.  When will I stop remembering and reacting to that relationship, every time I butter my damn toast?  I enjoyed it, I am grateful to be able to do it the way I want without criticism or disgusted looks, but shouldn't I be over emotionally reacting by now?

Or is this a good thing, part of mindful eating?  I don't feel I am there yet, I think the hurt/trauma is still taking up a bit too much real estate in my mind.

What do you think?  Should I be over this by now?  Do you have hurts/traumas that are taking you longer to get over than you think they should?


As always, I love and appreciate your feedback.

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 6 - The Need To Stand Alone & Suspiciousness

This post continues with The Need to Stand Alone and Suspiciousness  from Chapter Six.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

THE NEED TO STAND ALONE

Earlier, I talked about how some obsessives fear being emotionally dependent on other people.  As a "solution," they may try to become as self-reliant as possible, even to the point of disavowing their emotional need for loved ones.

Margaret, for example, found herself unable to tell her husband, Jim, how much she missed him whenever he called home from business trips.  When I asked what made it so difficult, she told me that she disliked feeling dependent on anyone.  Pressed further, she admitted feeling afraid of being let down. <snip>

People who fear dependency ware often extremely reluctant to ask their friends and loved ones for such things as time together, affection, sex, or emotional support.  When I ask about this reluctance, at first patients will proudly cite their self-reliance.  Eventually, additional explanations emerge.

For example, they feel that anyone who really cared about them would know what they need, and give it without being asked.  Having to ask becomes evidence that they aren't truly loved. <snip>

Asking poses other risks.  The obsessive fears that the other party may secretly feel contemptuous of the "weakness" revealed by supplication.  Wost of all, the request might be denied, a turn of events that would be devastating to the obsessive.<snip>

Some obsessives may even avoid asking for much-needed assistance.  They may, for example, feel they have to be the one to fix anything needing repairs around the house.  <snip>

Many obsessives hate to take medications.  First they see the need for drugs as an acknowledgment that they already lack some degree of control.  And, second, they fear they will become psychologically dependent on the drug and will have trouble giving it up.  <snip>

Suspiciousness
<snip> He lived with a girlfriend, but the ulterior motives he ascribed to her kept undermining his positive feelings for her.  "I wonder if she isn't just trying to avoid being along for the rest of her life," he said.  "I also wonder if maybe she only thinks she loves me.  Her self-esteem is pretty low, so how can she truly love somebody?  I'm always in the detective mode, looking for the deeper meaning behind what she says."

<snip> But obsessives also fear exploitation in more than just close relationships.  I recently overheard a graphic example of this in a local photo shop, where a man was questioning the clerk about how his pictures would be processed.  What if he didn't like the way they turned out?  Did the business offer any sort of written guarantees?  Who would be the judge of whether the pictures were of adequate quality and would would the criteria be, he demanded.  He persisted, asking increasingly picayune questions, while his fear of "being taken" made him oblivious to the line of people rolling their eyes and expressing their exasperation behind him.

***

These things all become self-fulfilling prophecies.  Would he tell me he missed me?  Sometimes, and I tried to reinforce who charming I found it, but other times he wouldn't tell me, he would throw a tantrum because I was away for a few hours.  Which made me less than eager to rush home. 

I also got lectures about how people who loved each other should just be able to "tell" what the other was thinking.  To a certain degree, that's true, people learn to ready body language, but it's also true that he would get very upset when I didn't "read" him properly, and instead of telling me what he thought or felt, blame me for not being properly attuned to him.  Likewise, he was sure he knew what I was thinking or feeling - and if what I said contradicted what he assumed/thought he knew about me, then obviously, I was lying.

Exhausting.  As well as the third (or thirteenth) degree cross-examination of any merchant from whom we might consider buying a four dollar part.  Exhausting, embarrassing, humiliating.

He was convinced all along, talking of suspicious, that I was having an affair.  One year out of our relationship, and I still don't feel even ready to DATE.  Although it did cross my mind, perioidically, the old "You've got the name, why not have the game?" especially after he'd been particularly dreadful,  In some ways, it would have been lovely to be touched with tenderness and passion, rather than waiting for the next attack to come.  I cannot fault those in this kind of relationship to being vulnerable to outside consolation.


Your thoughts?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 6 - The Many Styles of Emotional Reserve

This post continues with The Many Styles of Emotional Reserve from Chapter Six.

This series looks at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

THE MANY STYLES OF EMOTIONAL RESERVE

Mutually shared feelings bring people closer to each other.  Conversely, guarding one's emotions is one of the best ways to keep one's distance, and obsessives hold themselves back emotionally in a variety of ways.

A certain stiff and formal quality distinguished Drake, a twenty-six year-old engineer who was frustrated by his inability to sustain a romantic relationship.  Drake conceded that his own insensitivity to signs of feminine interest has cost him a number of potential partners.  "I miss out on cues.  It's as if I walk around anesthetized.  Sometimes, in fact, I'll pick up on the cues and act as if I didn't." <snip>

Wanda, a nurse, presented herself in group therapy meetings as being very attuned to others, ever ready to help them.  When others asked about her feelings, however, she invariably responded with generalities, or she would talk about former problems that she had resolved.  <snip>

Some emotionally guarded obsessives seem arrogant or "stuck-up," a facade they may only become aware of when people who get to know them reveal that this was their first impression.  The obsessive is often very surprised to hear this; rather than being arrogant, he or she was feeling anxious in those initial encounters - afraid of being humiliated or rejected for some gaffe.  <snip>

Other obsessives project charisma and warmth, but shut out even their close friends in certain fundamental ways.

Secretiveness

Sometimes efforts to maintain emotional distance can give one a secretive or cagy air.  <snip>  Obsessives can also be secretive about things other than their feelings.  One patient told me that she was reluctant to have anyone come to her home; it was a part of her that she didn't want others to see.  Other obsessives hide their opinions of conceal how much they earn or spend.  Some patients say they hate the idea of neighbors observing their comings and goings, or that they would never want to be be famous because of the inevitable loss of privacy.

Privacy is generally a highly prized commodity among obsessives.  They're particularly apt to hide the fact they're in therapy.  And even in the therapy relationship, many are very uncomfortable talking about things that are personal or "nobody's business."

***

 That last reminds me of my grandmother, who I suspect to have been OCPD.  When I asked her about her mother and her mother's family, wanting to know more about my own family history, she told me it was "none of your business."  It was a phrase my ex used, often; he did not want to have house sitters when we went out of town for that reason, because then they would know all about our business.

People who are emotionally close, share, and feel safe sharing.  I admit, I've been accused by certain people of being "secretive," myself, though I see it as being more self-protective.  With those particular people, there has been so much of an attempt to fix/guide/help me to feel "the right way," rather than listening and accepting what I do feel, that I have chosen to stop sharing my most intimate and delicate feelings with those people.

Sometimes there are people with whom we cannot/should not be emotionally open, because they have repeatedly demonstrated they are untrustworthy with our tender emotions.  With OCPD, however, seems like nobody is ever trustworthy.

Your thoughts?