Why Does He DO That? Introduction (Part 1)

We've begun reading, and, I hope, entering into a healthy discussion of the book Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

Please, do buy your own copy - both because I won't be excerpting all of it, and because this author deserves our $upport.

 

From the Introduction:

1212mentalhealth-RW
(Photo credit: Robbie Wroblewski)

I’ve been working with angry and controlling men for 15 years as a counselor, evaluator, an investigator, and have accumulated a wealth of knowledge from the 2000 or more cases with which I have been involved. I have learned the warning signs of abuse and control that a woman can watch out for early in a relationship. I’ve come to know what a controlling man is really saying, the meaning that is hidden behind his words. I’ve seen clues to recognizing when verbal and emotional aggression are heading toward violence. I found ways to separate out abusive men who are faking change from those who are doing some genuine work on themselves. And I have learned that the problem of the abusiveness has surprisingly little to do with how a man feels - my clients actually differ very little from nonabusive men and their emotional experience - and everything to do with how he thinks. The answers are inside his mind.

<snip> who can use what I have learned to help themselves recognize when they are being controlled or devalued in a relationship, to find ways to get free of abuse if it is happening, and to know how to avoid getting involved with an abusive man - or a controller or a user - next time. The purpose of this book is to equip women with the ability to protect themselves, physically and psychologically, from angry and controlling men.

To prepare for writing this book, I first generated a list of the 21 questions that women most often asked me about their abusive partner, questions such as:

"Is he really sorry?"
"Why do so many of our friends side with him?"
"Is he going to hit me someday?"

and many others. I then built my explanations around these concerns to make sure that women would be able to look here to find the information they urgently need. <snip>

***

Is He Going To Hit Me?

via kenfotos at freedigitalphotos

That's probably the #1 question for those who've been in a relationship where they have felt verbally battered and deeply frightened, but not yet hit... yet. And there are no guarantees; however, there are warning signs, which will be covered in this book. (Another reason I urge you to buy it now.)

That a person feels s/he has the right to degrade and belittle you is not a sign s/he respects you and values you. If s/he has "accidentally" hurt you - stepping on toes, an elbow in the wrong place, etc., this could be a real red flag that more is headed your way, especially if the response was not an abject apology on the part of the offender, but more a "well, you shouldn't have gotten in my way" attitude.

While many verbal abusers never "graduate" to physical abuse, it is well documented that verbal and emotional abuse always precedes physical violence.

Do not take your safety for granted, ever. 

If you are in a situation where your partner hurts you - even if it is "only" with words, please contact one of the hotlines down below and begin working out an emergency escape plan, even if as of right this minute, you feel sure you will never need one. Especially if you have children at home.

Worst case scenario if you have an escape plan and never need it, is you have "wasted" a few hours. Worst case scenario if you don't have a plan and need one, is it may cost you your life.

I never thought my boyfriend would hit me, either.

Till he did.



Disclaimer: The information and opinions posted here, and any comment responses, are not to be considered professional advice and are not intended to replace consultation with a qualified medical or mental health professional. If you are involved in a relationship that includes physical, financial, and/or emotional violence, please contact a professional for help and assistance.

In the US:

National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  TTY- 1-800-787-3224 
RAINN (Rape Abuse & Incest National Network)
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (includes downloadable guides for helping women in abusive relationships)
National Alliance on Mental Illness, aka NAMI

International Resources linked here.

Your thoughts?

Why Does He DO That? Terminology Intro

We're going to start reading, and, I hope, entering into a healthy discussion of the book Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

 Please, do buy your own copy - both because I won't be excerpting all of it, and because this author deserves our $upport.

  

From the Note on Terminology:

In referring to angry and controlling men in this book, I’ve chosen in most cases the shorter terms abusive man and abuser. I’ve used these terms for readability and not because I believe that every man who has problems with angry or controlling behavior is abusive. I needed to select a simple word I could apply to any man who has recurring problems with disrespecting, controlling, insulting, or devaluing his partner, whether or not his behavior also involves more explicit verbal abuse, physical aggression, or sexual mistreatment. Any of these behaviors can have a serious impact on a woman’s life and can lead her to feel confused, depressed, anxious, or afraid. <snip>

via Wikipedia Commons

<snip> Controlling men fall on a spectrum of behaviors, from those who exhibit only a few of the tactics I describe in this book to those who use almost all of them. Similarly, these men run a gamut in their attitudes, from those who are willing to accept confrontation about their behaviors and strive to change them, to those who won’t listen to the woman’s perspective at all, feel completely justified, and become highly retaliatory if she attempts to stand up for herself. <snip> The level of anger exhibited by controlling man also shows wide variation, but unfortunately it doesn’t tell us much in itself about how psychologically destructive he may be or how likely he is to change, as we will see.

In addition, I have chosen to use the terms he to refer to the abusive person and she to the abused partner. I selected these terms for convenience and because they correctly described the great majority of relationships in which powers being abused.  <snip>.

***

No Gender Discrimination In Our Discussions Here

Mr. Bancroft's experience is with male abusers; he does not have the training or experience to address female-on-male abuse situations, therefore in this book, he does not address it, though he briefly covers controlling and angry dynamics in gay relationships. In most modern societies, even though "we've come a long way, baby" the reality is that men (in general) possess much more political, social, and economic power than women, and in second/third world countries, the power men hold over women is even more extreme. Men kill women and send them to the emergency room much more often than women kill or seriously injure men.

via David Castillo Dominici
at freedigitalphotos

This does not mean that female-on-male violence, especially emotional and verbal abuse, does not frequently occur, or that women in individual relationships cannot be just as angry and feel just as justified as the Angry and Controlling Men of the book title. Sadly, I know many men who've experienced abuse from their mothers or who have lived or still live in abusive relationships with a female partner.

Therefore, if that is your experience, please buy the book and follow along; you will almost certainly gain valuable insights.

Why Does A Discussion about Domestic Violence Belong on a Blog About OCPD?

Some may argue that there is little to no scientific evidence that domestic violence is linked to any mental disorder, including OCPD. I agree - there is no scientifically proven link. My counter-argument is that if the questions are never asked, how reasonable is it to assume that no links exist? Because of stigma and shame, both mental illness and domestic violence are vastly under-reported, under-studied, and misunderstood.
I would also add that statistics show people with a mental illness are far more likely to be victims of a violent crime than perpetrators. No intent here to demonize the mentally ill.

I can state that in my personal experience, and that of many other people with whom I have traded stories, domestic violence and mental illness or brain injury is often linked. This is part of the dynamic that influences our decision to stay in an abusive relationship, perhaps longer than we should. We perceive our partners not as deliberately abusive, but as sick - and what kind of heartless person would abandon a partner suffering from cancer, or heart disease?

Reality - it doesn't matter why we are being abused. Being abused hurts.

Disclaimer: The information and opinions posted here, and any comment responses, are not to be considered professional advice and are not intended to replace consultation with a qualified medical or mental health professional. If you are involved in a relationship that includes physical, financial, and/or emotional violence, please contact a professional for help and assistance.


In the US:

National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  TTY- 1-800-787-3224 
RAINN (Rape Abuse & Incest National Network)
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (includes downloadable guides for helping women in abusive relationships)
National Alliance on Mental Illness, aka NAMI

International Resources linked here.

Your thoughts?

Queen for a Day

Doesn't everyone want to be treated like a Queen (or a King)? At least for one day.

There used to be a extremely sadistic TV show on that premise: women would come on the show and compete in telling a sob story - from Wikipedia:

Often the request was for medical care or therapeutic equipment to help a chronically ill child, but sometimes it was as simple as the need for a hearing aid, a new washing machine, or a refrigerator. Many women broke down sobbing as they described their plights, and Bailey was always quick to comfort them and offer a clean white handkerchief to dry their eyes.

The harsher the circumstances under which the contestant labored, the likelier the studio audience was to ring the applause meter's highest level. The winner, to the musical accompaniment of "Pomp and Circumstance", would be draped in a sable-trimmed red velvet robe, given a glittering jeweled crown to wear, placed on a velvet-upholstered throne, and handed a dozen long-stemmed roses to hold as she wept, often uncontrollably, while her list of prizes was announced.

Not only were they milking the misery of the "winner" for all it was worth, imagine being one of the losing contestants who'd put it all out there, but not "enough" to garner the highest on the "applause-o-meter."

An easier way to score a crown was eating a particular brand of margarine.

I begged my mom to buy that brand, because I coveted one of those beautiful crowns so much, and though my mother told me it was a trick on TV, she caved in and bought it once, so I could find out for myself.

The disappointment was almost as bitter as the margarine.

Anyway, if anyone deserved to be treated like a Queen, it was my mother, but she would never go on a radio or television show to whine about her life.

Mom and her younger brother

She was the oldest of four, and the target of much nit-picking by my (suspected OCPD) grandmother. She signed up for the Coast Guard and served with honor during WWII.

Afterward, on the rebound from a prior relationship, she met and married my father. Also a WWII veteran, smart, and charming as all get out when he wanted to be.

Probably NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).  They had three daughters, me being the "bonus baby." Not long after that, breast cancer came along.  In those days, the way it worked was, you found a lump, they put you under and sliced you up. You found out if it was serious when you woke up, depending on how much of your body they'd carved away.

In Mom's case, pretty serious. They took her breast, the underlying chest muscles, the lymph nodes, and some of the muscles from under her arm.

Yet she would still smile at everyone.

I believe in the picture, below, she was still recovering from the surgery, because she had to wear those loose-fitting muumuus for some weeks (months?) afterward.

It was Mother's Day

I thought she should be treated like Queen for a Day. It was my idea, but my sisters joined in helping me make a "crown" out of, I think, a brown grocery bag, which I decorated with crayon and tinsel from our Christmas decorations stash. We put her on the "throne" with a fancy goblet of possibly wine, possibly fruit juice. Am not sure if the cushion under her arm was to add the royal touch or because she physically needed it in her recovery.

Prematurely silver hair ran in the family.
The glasses and the silver hair make her look old, at first glance,
but she was only mid-forties here.

I thought - I still think - she was absolutely beautiful, and I was so proud of her, so happy to have her as my mom. She was, in fact, the Best Mom in the World, though some silly people didn't realize that.  And I am still proud of her, and a little of myself, that I did make the effort to let her know how special she was to me.

And yet.

I cannot but think, now, that if only she had made a few different choices... Mom was my model for self-sacrificing relationships, for being sweet and kind and loving to everyone. No one had a bad word to say about her - not at her memorial service, five years later, after the cancer recurred, nor in the years that followed.  My sisters' husbands, who knew her in the years before she died, loved her to pieces. Who adores their mother-in-law?

I have come to believe that putting everyone else first, all the time, and allowing others to treat us badly, can, in fact, make us sick. Sick to death, even.

Doormats wear out.

My mother was a product of her time and her culture, and possibly even the influence of an OCPD mother. She followed all the rules of being nice, being polite, taking care of everyone but herself.  She was loved, yes, but only on rare occasion was she the one being pampered and taken care of.

Today is her birthday, and I'm missing her, of course. But I am also thinking that it would please her tremendously to know that I have learned from my own mistakes, and from her life.

There's a formula now, that we should put  51% of our efforts to ourselves, and no more than 49% to everyone else in our lives, added together. I can't help but think, if my mom had done that, she might have lived past my 10th birthday, and my life  - many lives - would have benefited tremendously for her continued presence in it.

Loving someone is never a mistake. But neglecting our own hearts, souls, dreams, and bodies, in the name of love, can kill us. Figuratively, or literally.

Do you believe in giving up everything for love?

Have you learned to save nurturing for yourself?

Do you have any life lessons from a loved one who's passed on?