Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 4 - Escape Hatches & Avoiding Commitment, Tentativeness

Sir Waffle-Lot via Steve Snodgrass at Flickr

This post continues with Escape Hatches and Avoiding Commitment from Chapter Four.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Escape Hatches

<snip> Sometimes people will strive to make it look - to themselves as well as others - as if they're not really deciding but instead are merely yielding to the weight of evidence.  When Alex is in a restaurant agonizing over whether to order the scampi or the linguini, he years for the waiter to say customers have been very pleased with one and disappointed with the other.  It doesn't have to be true.  As long as the balance has been tipped by an outside event, it is no longer Alex's own decision, and the Credo is spared a challenge.

Yet another way of making a decision look like a non-decision is to cling to doubts, reservations, and qualifications even as you decide.  You say, for instance, "I'll take this jacket only because it doesn't need alterations and I need to wear it tonight.  It might not be the best choice, but what can you expect under the circumstances?"  If the choice doesn't work out, it was only a half-decision in the first place.  Since you didn't give it your best effort, you remain potentially infallible.

Avoiding Commitment

<snip> Commitment is the final phase of decision-making.  It's the act of pledging oneself to someone of something and giving up other options.  Once a decision is experienced as irreversible or unchangeable, it becomes a commitment.

(Too Perfect goes on to talk about buying shoes, choosing brown over black, say, but not being committed to brown until at the cash register, and even then, not being completely committed until the shoes are actually worn. )

TENTATIVENESS

Just as some obsessives fall back on various escape hatches to diminish the threat of decision-making, some will try to forestall commitment through tentativeness.  Even as they lean toward action, they try to keep one foot on the path they decided not to take.  Forced to remove one foot, they may feel optionless and become nervous.

I've known people who have bought major furnishings, taken them home, and then stubbornly resisted removing the plastic covering for months as they vacillated over the possibility of taking the item back and exchanging it for something else.  They fend off their commitment fears by postponing closure.

Another good example of tentativeness can be found in the way many obsessives express themselves.  In offering personal opinions, they try to keep their options open by qualifying practically everything they say.  Their speech is loaded with such qualifiers as "I guess," "I think," and "I'm not sure, but it seems to me that maybe..."

<snip> He leaves himself room to shift, and so avoids ever being just plain wrong, which would clash with his need to be perfect.  Qualifiers enable him to keep the exit doors open.

<snip> Your vagueness makes it hard to know you and feel connected to you.  And if you consistently pull back from clearly airing your opinions, you suffer in other ways, too.  You never get to taste the pleasure of unmuddied self-expression, and you lose the opportunity to see your opinions tested and challenged.  In fact, you may not even know what they are!

***

While sometimes it's appropriate to use qualifiers ("I think that God may be very different than Preacher LL seems to portray Him,") so as not to give offense, people who refuse to give an opinion can be infuriating.

YOU: It's really hot, and we haven't gone out in a while.  Let's go out for dinner.
THEM: Okay.
YOU: I'm in the mood for either pizza or seafood.  How about you?
THEM: I don't care.
YOU: Okay, let's go to VV, that's closest.
THEM: I'm not really in the mood for VV.
YOU: Okay, how about XX?
THEM:  I'm not really in the mood for that, either.
YOU: What are you in the mood for?
THEM: Whatever, I don't care.
YOU: Obviously, you do care.  How about A, B, C, D?
THEM: Meh.
YOU: Seems like you don't want to go out, period.  Is there anyplace you want to go, or would you rather eat at home?
THEM: Whatever you want to do.
YOU: [gritting teeth] Right now, what I want to do is strangle you.
THEM: You're so mean!

Then after you either pick a restaurant or go home, you endure verbal sniping from THEM, because this isn't what they wanted to eat, it was much too expensive, there's something wrong with the food, cooking made the whole house too miserably hot...

It's a total passive-aggressive control move.   By abdicating any responsiblity over the choice, but by being willing to go along with "whatever," the Perfectionist can then bitch for hours/days about how imperfect YOUR choice was.  Now there are two people upset with each other.  LOSE-LOSE

Whereas, if the Perfectionist had been willing to commit to a choice, there was the chance of a pleasant evening.  If one person wanted pizza, and the other wanted burgers, a choice could have been made that got both what they wanted.  Or, a coin could have been flipped, to determine the restaurant.  Even if the meal turned out terrible, still, with the right attitude, it could become fodder for future stories and jokes.  A WIN-WIN.  An experience that drew two people together, instead of driving them apart.

If you have a partner with commitment problems, it's important to not feed into this loop.  Once a reasonable offer has been made to accommodate your partner's preferences, it's okay to say, "Okay, I am going out to PP place for dinner tonight at QQ time.  I'd love it if you'd join me.  I am leaving at RR time, with or without you."

If you are the commitment-phobic person, what is the worst thing likely to happen, if you say, "I want to go to MM restaurant"?  You say that and, after negotiation or a coin toss, you end up going elsewhere?  Not a tragedy.  You go there and end up having a bad meal?  Haven't we survived bad meals and gone on to lead normal lives despite the agony of it all?

Outside of some unusual scenarios: a plane falls on the restaurant, aliens abduct you in the parking lot, one or both of you end up with food poisoning - picking a "bad" restaurant or getting a bad meal isn't going to kill anybody.  (Obviously, if you do have food allergies or the restaurant displays a skull & crossbones and it's not pirate-themed decor, or even the rats are seen running away from it, we need to be careful.)

Mallinger is absolutely right that holding back from commitment in order to preserve the illusion of perfection doesn't work, if the goal is to impress others, or make them feel closer to you.  It doesn't even make you feel good about yourself, does it?

 

Do you waffle and refuse to commit?  What purpose does it serve?
Do you have to deal with waffles that are not
delicious when covered with syrup?
Share your story in the comments, below.  :-)

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 4 - Avoiding Decisions & Living in One's Head

This post continues with Avoiding Decisions and Living in One's Head from Chapter Four.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Avoiding Decisions

<snip> Waffling is typical of the behavior of many obsessives faced with a decision.  They see all the pros and cons of any choice, all the while hoping that enough facts will file up on one side to tip the balance and spare them the responsibility for deciding.  They weigh and think, think and weigh.

Just as they start to lean one way, they notice an unreckoned drawback.  Then an overlooked option appears and pulls them toward that direction.  But they soon discover a new shortcoming of that plan and start back towards the original scheme.

After agonizing for a while, they may resort to an "objective" method, such as making exhaustive lists of the pros and cons.  If it's a draw, they may weight each item according to importance, and even apply a complex tie-breaking formula - anything to avoid having to take personal responsibility for the outcome.  Alas, the balance never seems to tip, and their torment continues.

LIVING IN ONE'S HEAD

Postponing decision-making until they get enough facts to guarantee the "right" decision is another way obsessives avoid action and its attendant risk of error.  <snip>  When she realized she needed to buy a new car, she spent months gathering brochures, test-driving possible alternatives, reading Consumer Reports, getting advice from friends, and contrasting features and prices.  She contended that all of this activity was simply reasonable preparation for an intelligent decision, and of course there is truth to this position.  But Annette remained unaware of the greater truth: that her main goal was to avoid error, even at the cost of making no decision at all.

Cars Available from Orlando Cars Online

She finally narrowed her options to a few final items - the financing terms, the color, the model - but she somehow couldn't choose.  Each answer evoked a new set of doubts.  One dealer was closer to her home but didn't have the car in blue.  One had it in blue but was charging more.  To an outsider, it was clear that any of the alternatives could be lived with, but Annette stubbornly resisted this conclusion.

<snip> Action always carries with it the danger of error.  No sooner is she ready to make a move than she starts doubting and stalling for more time.  Doggedly she resists seeing that her indecisiveness is actually an unconscious decision not to choose.  Her hidden agenda is to avoid the risk of being wrong and contradicting the Credo.

<snip> People who typically make decisions in a healthier, less painful manner... may well seek some facts to supplement this subjective starting ground, but their goal throughout the process is to act, as quickly and as reasonably as possible, and they accept implicitly that there is no way to do so in a fail-safe manner.  Furthermore, they trust that they usually won't make awful blunders.  They know that they occasionally risk mistakes, regrets, and dangers, but they also accept that risk is part of life. So they decide and move on.

<snip> For obsessives like Annette, in contrast, action is the enemy.  <snip> Consciously this sort of person honestly thinks she wants to take action.  In fact, she will often complain, "I just hate this indecisiveness."  But another part of her wants to live mainly in her fantasy.

 The section concludes with how, when Annette's car broke down and she was forced to buy a new car, no dealers had her first choice, so she ended with a model much farther down on her list.

***

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

This is one of the manifestations of OCPD that drive partners barking mad, as my Brit friends might say.  Because life doesn't stand still.  Cars and refrigerators and couches do need to be replaced, periodically, and the search for said item with an OCPD partner can turn into The Quest for the Holy Fuckin' Grail.  And it doesn't have to be that way.

About a year after OCPD ex and I were living together, we decided to take a small table and chairs out of storage and place it in a nook in the living room for our meals, instead of eating at the coffee table.  (No room in the actual kitchen for said table & chairs, because of the masses of stereo equipment he hoarded stacked against the wall.)  Then he began freaking out, because food bits and beverages  occasionally splattered on the surface of the table, as happens to any surface people use to eat from.

I didn't know about OCPD then.  Three weekends, eight stores later, we finally found placemats he didn't absolutely hate.  Though I thought several choices we found in the very first store would have worked just fine, until we found others we liked better.  "Good enough for now" doesn't seem to be an acceptable phrase for those with severe untreated OCPD.

from Salvatore Vuono at Free Digital Photos

The Search for a New Couch made the placemat saga seem like a walk in the park.  Three years, uncountable stores visited, many more than once, and in meantime, the current couch grew more miserably uncomfortable every day.  You could actually get bruised if you sat in the wrong spot - and we did.


I am grateful for the blessing that we were not married, because I was able to make my own new car decision fairly painlessly.  In 2006 I decided I wanted a hybrid.  Read the reports on and drove several models.  Decided I liked the Civic best, and white, because they are most reflective and so require the least use of air conditioning.  In fall 2007, as the dealerships were getting the 2008 models in, I drove one of those, then a 2007 model again.  With no discernible difference in handling, I went with the sweet deal they were able to offer me on the older model they were trying to get rid of.  Not a hasty decision, but not an agonizing one, either.

I could second guess it a thousand times - possibly the new models get even better gas mileage.  Maybe if I'd waited I could have gotten a Ford hybrid.  Or, or, or.  But I don't need to play that game - I needed a new car, I got one, we've been very happy together so far.  Some day, this car will no longer meet my needs for whatever reason, and I will get another car.  Making a mistake, even one that's potentially thousands of dollars "wasted," is not a tragedy.

Just making a decision and letting it go, like a soap bubble, allows me to turn my mind to more important things, to things I enjoy more, to life.

Did you make endless pro & con lists to avoid making an actual decision?
How did you get past that - or are you still stuck?
Prove that you can at least make a decision on which Reactions button to click, below.  :-)

Does Batman have OCPD?

via Wikimedia

In chat the other night, one of my online friends proposed that Batman might have OCPD.  (We'll leave the debate as to whether or not he's also gay for another time.)


Mind you, there are many, many variations of Batman: The original comic books character by Bob Kane and Bill Finger, dates back to 1939.  Many animated series have featured or been focused on Batman.  The modern movies starring everyone from Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and George Clooney.  The latest Batman movies feature Christian Bale.

Some of the interpretations have been extremely dark; the 1960's television series, my personal fav, was called camp by some, a deliberate mix of farce and lampoon by others.

There's even a Batman Wiki.

But while all explanations for the motivation of the transformation of Bruce Wayne, millionaire philanthropist, to Batman focus on the trauma of him having witnessed the murder of his parents as a child (PTSD), could there be more to it?

That obsessively strong urge to personally mete out Justice... One OCPD'r reported patrolling his  neighborhood for hours every evening, looking in all the parked car windows to make sure no one inside was doing something 'bad'.  (Making out?  Smoking a doobie?  Eating a Twinkie?)  And if he'd found someone, he was going to...? He never disclosed that part.

One woman, divorced now from her OCPD husband, reported that once he was walking the dog (a smaller breed), and a teenager leaned out the car window and shouted, "Nice dog, asshole!"  The man raced up to the car, yanked open the door, hauling the mouthy kid out, and punched him in the face.

So, the idea of an OCPD vigilante is not so farfetched.


Pros

• Batman is incredibly intelligent, like many with OCPD.
• He loves his science and technology.  Just look at how many gizmo's he's got going in the bat-cave.
• He's always prepared for any potential disaster, and always has the proper tools stocked in his utility belt, from bat-hooks to bat-shark repellent.
• He's obsessive about justice/rules, yet willing to break laws himself in pursuit of his objective.
• In his non-Batman persona, he seems shy, almost meek.

Cons

• The costume.  With so many OCPD'rs sensitive to odors and textures, wouldn't it drive him crazy? Especially the cowl.
• His relationship with Robin - he's a kind, encouraging mentor, not someone who constantly picks at the Boy Wonder's flaws.
• As Bruce Wayne, he's a generous philanthropist, while those with OCPD tend to be on the stingy frugal side.
• Flexibility - he adapts very quickly to changing circumstances.

Neutral

• Supreme physical fitness & martial arts abilities.
• Playboy - attraction to but inability to commit to the many gorgeous women who surround him.
• The Batmobile - he sticks with one vehicle, but it's constantly modified.
• Teetotaller (many OCPDr's abstain from alcohol; others drink to excess.)

Of course, I'm not a shrink and can't diagnose anyone, and even if I was, it would be totally unethical to do so long-distance, as it were.  However, this is for fun - what do you think?  Does Batman show signs of being OCPD?  Or is he just another weirdo?  Leave a comment with your opinion, please.