Learning to Recognize You're Being Played

So, as I move along this journey to rediscovering myself, I realize that OCPD ex-bf, in many ways, was one of my easier relationships.  The confrontation and tantrums were usually right in my face.

But, I've had other relationships in which I also played Ms. Co-Dependent to the Max, because, after all, I'm nice.  I'm a people pleaser (and if you're thinking, she's saying that like it's a bad thing - you may be one, too.)

Being kind and flexible is wonderful.  However, we can get so wrapped up in pleasing others, in trying to make others happy, that we forget all about us; our needs, wants, and best interests. 

We need to be able to say no (or, Hell no!) if someone tries to manipulate us into doing something that crosses our boundaries.  In my life, I've been pressured/manipulated by those who wanted me to:

• Eat something when I was already full, or which contained ingredients that I don't like
• Join them in the practice of particular religious beliefs
• Perform sexual acts that I'd rather not
• Go to certain parties, or stay longer when I wanted to leave
• Take over someone else's job duties
• Favors

Mind you, there is nothing wrong with someone asking, "Would you like to try doing it on a trapeze, while wearing a Batman mask?"  (Okay, maybe something a lot wrong with that.) 

An open, honest question or offer contains the implied freedom to say "No thank you."   If we feel that saying no is not an option - we're probably being played.    

Cats playing piano - awesome.

People being played by manipulators - NOT so awesome.

The only way we can have real, honest, fulfilling relationships, is if we are coming from our True Selves.  And that means, kindly, gently, but firmly, refusing to be manipulated.

Or, we can channel our Inner Bitch and say, "I don't think so."

Here's some good info from Wikihow:   

Understand the characteristics of a manipulative personality.  They're not always obvious because they play a silent game of building up obligations toward them, that end up with you feeling guilty, pressured, and obliged to carry out things for their sake even though you're still wondering how things got to this point.  Some of the characteristics of a manipulative personality include:   

• A martyr style personality. This personality type behaves as if he or she is being considerate toward others but is actually messing up considerateness with a need to be significant to you. By "martyring" themselves, they are doing things nobody has asked of them or wants them to do but in the process creates a bind when they do them. In "doing you a favor", their expectation increases that you have to return the favor. They may also complain constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder rhetorically when you're going to return this favor...    

• Excessively needy and dependent personalities. People who feel uncomfortable in their own skin, putting forth their own opinions and ideas can often hide behind manipulative behavior so that it seems as if you are responding on your own accord even though they've set up everything to have you respond directly to their neediness.  

• Narcissists. This is the archetypal manipulative personality and it's very hard to deal with this master manipulator.  

• You. Seriously, at one time or other, every single one of us practices manipulative behaviors in one form or other. It is just that for most people, manipulative actions tend to be one-off or only occasional instances rather than a purposeful map for daily living and interaction with others.

Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another. There are some key behaviors that can end up in manipulation, and it's helpful to know how to spot them before walking right into them. The behaviors are set out briefly here, with the following steps providing more details along with suggestions for healthy ways to respond:

• The guilt trip – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of "should" rather than standing up for your own values.   

• The assumption statement – this manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what, your refutation is proof of the assumption.   

• He said, she said – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you what someone else said was the right thing to do. It's a handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you.  

• The confronting statement – this manipulative approach is about causing an argument. That way, the provoker will end up making you feel terrible over something you didn't do or say but for which you ought to feel guilty anyway and they'll get a huge chunk of sympathy with which to manipulate you all over again.  

• Self-pity: "But I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc." – At times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention.

Go HERE for the rest of this great article for tips on how to respond to each technique.

Boy, have I suckered in to the martyrs in my life!  They're so kind, considerate, self-sacrificing, surely I should appreciate them more.  Of course, OCPD ex b-f used this technique too.  "I've been slaving all day to grow tomatoes" or make spaghetti sauce or some other thing he'd chosen to do, martyr-style, not even stopping to have lunch, that I never asked him to do in the first place, let alone suggest he work at such a pace that he didn't take reasonable breaks.  All his own choices.  Then he'd pick a fight because I wasn't sufficiently grateful, in his opinion.  And then the next time he asked for something, I would usually give in, whether I wanted to or not, because I felt guilty about "making him feel bad."

Good grief, Charlie Brown!  <Shaking my head to clear out the cobwebs>

Photo by -just-jen- at Flickr

But, as I said, I am recognizing he wasn't the only one to pull my strings.  That with good boundaries and better connection with my authentic self, I will have healthier relationships with everyone in my life.

Frankly, I'm beyond tired of guilt trips.  They're not a lot of fun, and I already know the boring scenery by heart.

The next trip I take, I want to pack a bag and stay in a gorgeous hotel.  Maybe get a massage.  I like the massage-type of manipulation.

How about you?  Have you been played like a cheap guitar too many times?  What do you do to recognize the manipulators and take care of you?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chapter One- The Causes of Obsessiveness

This post continues with The Causes of Obsessiveness, from Chapter One.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992. 

...happened to have in common a parent whose love seemed conditional, tied to such things as how well they performed, and how "good" or capable they were.  Because they also perceived their parents as critical, negativistic, and hard to please, these bright, sensitive children felt caught in a no-win situation, never feeling that they were good enough - never feeling secure.  Similar stories about childhood experiences are common in my practice.

Let me stress that patients in therapy are reporting their perceptions of their early childhood experiences.  It may well be that the person who will become strongly obsessive perceives his world and its expectations of him differently from other children.

...the parent's behaviors and apparent attitudes reflected self-interest and often a lack of empathy for the child.  ..."I remember having to take piano lessons, which I hated.  My parents made it sounds as if it was for my own good, but it wasn't.  They both had wanted to study music but had been unable to do so."  Another patient put it this way: "My parents insisted on being in control, and it took all the starch out of me.  Over time my spirit was eroded, broken."

Many patients have reiterated this experience: conformance to family and social rules having more importance to the parents than whatever the child was thinking, feeling, wanting, or fearing.   A significant number of my obsessive patients reveal that they didn't feel liked by one or both parents  These patients felt they'd been "good" children and had made real efforts to meet their parents' expectations, only to find a lack of consistent appreciation, or worse, criticism. 

I believe that - to some extent - perfectionism, caution, drivenness, and other obsessive traits are indeed adaptations.  They not only quell some of the anxiety engendered by early feelings of insecurity, but also garner many obvious payoffs.  Still, it is overly simplistic to conclude that early childhood experiences alone cause people to develop obsessive personalities.  Humans are infinitely complex, and while family and subcultural values are hammer and anvil, to a point, the persons genetic and constitutional makeup is the "ore."  

Scores of parents have told me of children who seemed picky, perfectionistic, contemplative, and cautious, almost from birth.  "I remember making Christmas cookies with Max when he was barely two years old," one woman told me.  "When a little piece of dough remained wedged in a corner of the cookie cutter, he insisted I throw the offending cookie away.  I told him that the cookie was just fine, but he burst into tears and wailed that it wasn't perfect, so he wouldn't eat it.  It was crazy!  Later, in nursery school, he refused to fingerpaint with the other children; he thought it was too messy." 

It wouldn't surprise me if scientists one day discovered specific biological underpinnings favoring the development of any of several personality styles, including the obsessive.  Certainly the trend in psychiatry in the last several years has been to discover that more and more psychological and psychiatric problems such as schizophrenia and mood disorders have strong biological roots.

In sum, the likeliest hypothesis as to the cause of obsessiveness is that some people have a constitutional predisposition for being obsessive, and it can be enhanced or minimized by early-life perceptions and experiences.

***

This nature vs. nurture debate has raged on many of the boards I've visited.  I tend to believe Dr. Mallinger has it right - inborn tendencies, either fed or defused by parenting strategies.

While many people do remember, usually with much emotional pain, failing to please a hyper-critical parent (Tiger Mom are you listening?) the missing part of the puzzle is whether or not that parent behaved in a hyper-critical way because s/he had an obsessive personality.  If so, if that is inborn, then the unlucky child gets a double dose of OCPD - the genetic tendency passed along by the parent, plus an adaptive/survival behavior.

Here's why I lean towards genetics - slash - predisposition:

1) As I have come into contact with Perfectionist Personalities and their SO's all over the world - the behaviors are the SAME.  A middle class woman in Florida, a young Danish father of three, a well-to-do man in Australia, a young mum in the UK, husbands of Middle-Eastern descent.  Jews, Christians, atheists...  Granted I have only come to know those who (or whose partners) can communicate in English, but why does it sound like they are ALL reading the same script?  Surely if this was cultural, there would be significant differences, and there aren't.    (Most American obsessives might hoard, for example, while most New Zealanders would worry about kitchen counter germs.)  These people were not all raised in the same manner, yet their controlling behaviors are the same.  (Not that there aren't minor differences.)

2) Not all have stories of controlling or harsh parents.  My ex b-f did not, nor do many others.  He does, on the other hand, recall painfully laboring over various tests in elementary school, unable to finish a test because he had to make sure that he examined all possible meanings of each question, and every possible answer, and only then could he finish that question, and move on to the next.

3)  Meds help.  For those on, or who have partners on various anti-anxiety drugs, the transformation and decrease in anxiety levels and obsessive behaviors is almost miraculous.  (Of course, not all drugs are suitable for all people, and adjusting dosages, finding new drugs when body systems become acclimated to old ones is an arduous journey in and of itself.  It's not a matter of simply take a pill and life is good.)  Others find much relief in 12 step programs and/or meditation and mindfulness exercises, either instead of or in addition to medications.  But the relief of chemical magic points to something being off-kilter in the brain, that the right meds can help balance.  Or, at least, meds interrupt the obsessive "rut" long enough that through practice, new behaviors can be formed and old habits broken.

4) There does seem to be some link between OCPD, Aspergers, and ADD.  There are some with OCPD in the family who also have autism or Asperger's in the family, pointing to a genetic similarity.  There are many who report their doctors think they might have OCPD (if already diagnosed autistic), or autistic if already diagnosed OCPD, and many share the same kinds of sensory overload issues reported by those living with an OCPDr (sensitivity to noise, light, odors.)  Again, this points towards something present in the brain at birth, rather than purely an adaptive personality mechanism.

Another intriguing possibility - that life experiences several generations back might have changed DNA. 

Scientists at Australia’s University of New South Wales fed healthy, svelte, male rats a high-fat diet (43 percent of calories from fat—a typical American diet). Not surprisingly, the rats put on weight and fat, and developed insulin resistance and glucose intolerance—basically, type 2 diabetes, the scientists reported last month in Nature. None of that was surprising. What made the scientists take notice was the daughters these rats sired: although their mothers were of normal weight and ate a healthy diet while pregnant, daughters of the high-fat-diet dads developed insulin resistance and glucose resistance as adults—even though they never ate a high-fat diet themselves.  (from Sins of the Grandfathers: What happens in Vegas could affect your offspring.  How early-life experiences could cause permanent changes in sperm and eggs.)

Hopefully, we'll never know what genetic changes might
occur as a result of a love affair between a human
and a rat.  For either species.

On the one hand, it doesn't really matter what causes this disorder.  What matters is how to make it less horrible for those who have it and those who live with them.  But then again... you kind of have to know where it comes from.  In the example of the rat daughters, above - their diabetes isn't coming from a poor diet, so simply saying, "No more chips for you!" isn't going to solve the problem.

Hopefully, someday there will be more research into this subject, and real help available for those with OCPD.

 If you are (or know) someone with OCPD - did s/he have a parent with OCPD?

Or hyper-critical?  Or both?  Or neither?

Was there OCPD or autism-spectrum disorders in the family of origin?

Vacuuming up the OCPD

After being inspired by a great post at My Mother-in-Law is Still Sitting Between Us, I've been pondering vacuums and filters, as they relate to OCPD.  Work with me here, it will eventually make sense.  I think.

The filter traps dirt, lint, pet hair, and so forth (tip: never look too closely at the "and so forth.") But the filter has to be porous enough to allow air, and yes, a little bit of dust out.

Sid’s fabulous story about accidentally vacuuming without a bag in place made me think of someone I’ve worked with. Warm, friendly, great salesperson, fabulous "big ideas" kind of guy - but utterly lost at sitting down and working out the little nuts and bolts of life, like staying within a budget, or balancing a checkbook.

When I think of - let’s call him Bagless Bob - I think of that vacuum, merrily sucking up everything and spewing out a lot of junk behind it. It’s like his filter is missing or damaged.  Lucky for Bob, he does have a some partners to act as his filter - and sometimes he even listens to them!

And for those with OCPD, it’s like their filters are TOO tight. They go waaaay beyond a HEPA filter to sealing theirs all over with duct tape, lest a tiny mote of dust get out. And, of course, that doesn’t work out, either.

When someone with OCPD writes a report, they often include too much unnecessary detail, because... they have problems figuring out which are the important bits.

When someone with OCPD hoards, again, it’s often related to problems discerning what is valuable and what is junk. So, better keep all of it, just in case.  (Or, in some cases, they want to throw everything away.)

When they nit-pick their partners or children, it seems their perception glides right past the 115 things we said, did or looked right, zooming in on the single thing we said wrong, the sole cat hair we missed when brushing off our slacks.  You know when they played that Sesame Street game, "Which of these things are not like the others?" they figured it out in record time.

It’s like the Bagless Bobs of the world only see this  

Georges Seurat - A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grand Jatte
via Wikimedia Commons



And the OCPDrs only see this  

Study for La Jatte - also via Wikimedia Commons



A "normal" person can zoom in and see the detail, or back away and see the big picture.

Sharon Begley (whose excellent, clear and informative writing is always worth reading, IMO) just wrote in Newsweek about information overload and how it affects judgment. I am reminded again of the overlapping symptoms of some with OCPD and some with autism - the reported sensitivity to light, sound, and odors. In addition, many have described having problems being in touch with their emotions. 

If the emotions are shut out of the decision-making process, we’re likely to overthink a decision, and that has been shown to produce worse outcomes on even the simplest of tasks. In one classic experiment, when volunteers focused on the attributes of various strawberry jams they had just rated, it completely scrambled their preferences, and they wound up giving a high rating to a jam they disliked and a low rating to one they had found delicious.

Now, even "nons" can experience information overload. This is why it’s crucial to periodically unplug from various devices and not have e-mail/text/video clips bombarding us 24/7.

But although the world is full of many, many things "coming at us at once," those without OCPD seem to have a built-in automatic filter that does a pretty good helping us focus. For example, I’m sitting at my desk, typing on the keyboard. I’m mostly aware of the monitor and the words appearing there, but if I pause, I can become aware of the scented candles I lit, the soft background music, the books and furniture and such that are all around me. It doesn’t feel "all in my face" at once.

Ex b-f frequently criticized me for "trying to do too much at once," and one of the places he stressed out the most was the car. I found music to be calming while I drove (especially with him) and he thought it was too distracting.  He was also always pointing out vehicles and other imminent dangers, as he thought, but was horrible at giving directions so I would have enough time to change lanes to make turns or enter the freeway.  Getting a vehicle with a built-in navigation system saved my sanity, because even if he thought it, too, was an unnecessary distraction, at least I could trust it to tell me when an turn was coming up.

Many other "nons" have related that driving with an unaware/untreated OCPDr is excruciating, regardless of whether they are the driver or the passenger.   This makes a lot of sense if those with OCPD are operating with a too-tight "filter." All the cars and signs and lights and pedestrians and so forth would seem to be coming at them at once, and that would be terrifying.

However... they do learn to drive, most quite safely, even if they white-knuckle it a bit in traffic situations, and, like anything else, the more they do it, the better they get at it.

So - can those with OCPD learn or be taught to loosen up their "filter"?  What's your experience with this?