Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 4 - Letting Go of the Fear & Self-Inflicted Pain

from pj_vanf at Flickr

This post continues with Letting Go of the Fear & Self-Inflicted Pain from Chapter Four.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

 LETTING GO OF THE FEAR

In major decisions, such as whether or not to get married, the real consequences of error are serious, so you argue that you have every right to be cautious.  You do, but don't confuse rational caution with an irrational refusal to decide.

Even in serious matters, the consequences of a wrong choice aren't necessarily unbearable or irrevocable.  It's often possible to correct the error and live happily afterward.  In contrast, remind yourself of the harmful consequences of indecision.

It's further likely that you have trouble even with minor decisions, and here your irrationality should be more obvious.  After all, how can it be intolerable to buy the "wrong" shirt or choose the "wrong" menu item or vacation spot?  It may be inconvenient or, in extreme cases, unpleasant.  But intolerable?  If it feels intolerable, that's because, against all reason, you've decided that it is!

SELF-INFLICTED PAIN

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel any pain when you make a poor choice.  It's only reasonable to be somewhat disappointed.  But if you are obsessive, you probably suffer far more than is reasonable, and most of the pain is self-inflicted.  It comes mainly from the things you tell yourself about your choices - the regrets, the second-guessing, and self-deprecation.  The actual damage done by the erroneous decision usually pales in comparison.

In many decisions, the pros and cons on both sides are a toss-up as far as one can tell before actually choosing.  That is, either choice will usually turn out fine if only you let it.  But even the most terrific decision can turn out badly if you let the forsaken option gnaw at you.

With some slightly revised thinking, this toss-up kind of situation would be a pleasure ninety percent of the time.  That's because what makes a decisions register as good or bad depends mostly on what you tell yourself after you've made it.  If you doubt each decision, dwelling upon the options passed over, your mind will unconsciously form a connection between the act of deciding and pain.  It's like being punished every time you make a decision - regardless of how good your choice is.  After a while, there's no such thing as a good choice; they all hurt, which perpetuates your reluctance to make them.

Less perfectionistic people make decisions without so much equivocating, and once the decision is made, rather than second-guessing it, they focus on making the most of it.  Because they are able to enjoy the positive aspects of the path chosen, their minds usually associate the act of deciding with pleasure, not pain.  This association perpetuates a willingness to keep making choices rather than shy away from them.

***

While I know I have fleas, or perfectionistic tendencies in some ways, this section is so not me.  I am all about making a decision, and then making it work and enjoying it.  Vacations.  Car purchases.  Choice of sandwich at Subway.

I can see how obsessing leads to a deteriorating spiral of painful decision-making and second-guessing.  But it bears repeating: Most of the pain is self-inflicted.  If every decision feels excruciating, you're going to make as few as possible.  The fewer you make, and the more terrible you make decisions out to be, the worse and harder it's gonna get to make any decisions.  The monsters on the other side of the door get bigger and scarier (in your mind) all the time, till all they have to do is rattle the doorknob and you're totally knotted up.

Whereas making a decision, deciding you are going to enjoy it, no matter what, is habit-forming, in a good way.  In a great way.

Let's say I have to go somewhere - in LA, always a hazardous decision.  This freeway or that one?  Or, perhaps, surface streets?  I can check sigalert.com, I can use my judgment based on previous drives in the same area/day of week/time of day, and still end up bottled up in traffic.  (Or, conversely, I can not do any prep or research at all, and have a lovely drive.)  I can use the traffic time to work myself into a frenzy, berate myself for taking the wrong route.  

Or, I can put on an album I haven't cued up in a while, make a (hands free) phone call or two, think about a story I'm working on...  I choose how I will let a decision affect me, and I don't choose to let it make me feel bad for too long.

How about you - do you too often beat up on yourself about "bad" decisions?
Is your decision-making pattern one you want to reinforce and continue?
Have you ever made a decision that seemed wrong at the time, and 
later it turned out quite well in the long run?

What's Life Like with an OCPDr? Cooking With the Anal-Retentive Chef

Sometimes a video is worth a thousand words.  Anal-retentive is what people with OCPD used to be called.

Thanks to SeeSaw at freeforums for sharing this.

Hulu - Saturday Night Live: Cooking with the Anal Rententive Chef

- Watch more Funny Videos at Vodpod.

Of course, this is hysterically funny - in a four minute clip, seen once.

It's much less funny at all if you experience this every day, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the garage...

I lived with the A-R Chef, who might go into total meltdown mode if he was at the stove, stirring something in a pan, and I dared enter the kitchen and stand at the counter 10 feet away from him, to refill my glass of water.  He would shut off the burners, throw down the towel draped over his shoulder, and storm out.  Then he would sit and smoke and pout, and only when he recovered his equilibrium, could he resume cooking.

If I tried to cook or finish preparing a meal, he usually refused to eat it.  Or he might wait until it was cold, and then complain about how terrible it tasted, cold.  Usually this was coupled with insults to me about what a pig I was, how I seemed to need to eat all the time, and other derogatory remarks about my size and shape.

As I've blogged here before and others have remarked on other sites, sometimes the kitchen reaction seems to be similar to what happens to those with autism who experience sensory overload.  It's not just the person "being picky" or controlling, exactly, it's almost a panic-type response to too much stimuli.

What's impossible for those living with such a person, is knowing what will "set them off."  Sometimes I could go into the kitchen when he was cooking and he would be fine.  He'd make a lovely meal, we'd sit down to eat together, have a pleasant conversation.  Sometimes this would bring tears to my eyes, because it was so nice - why couldn't it be like that all the time?  The feeling of trying to walk on eggshells, of constantly being wary of setting off the next meltdown or tantrum, becomes extremely wearing on the people who share a household with such a person.

I never could remember all the triggers (even if I could, there were always new ones), and so, I was constantly Doing Something Wrong (in his eyes).   It exhausted me - and, I'm sure, it was equally rough on him.  I have friends who are cognizant of their OCPD behaviors, who are courageously battling against them, and I know  they don't like it when they're "that way," either.

Even though I could never go back to that lifestyle, my heart is deeply filled with pity for my ex.  I know he had light bulb moments, from time to time, when he didn't want to be the way he was.

Still, I look forward to the time, when I begin dating again, of having a "normal" kitchen again.  Where I can kiss the cook - or be kissed, if I'm doing the cooking.  Where we can cook together, perhaps even nibble food off one another's fingertips, and if the burners get turned off, it's by mutual consent because we've gone to enjoy some loveplay before returning to eat.  I remember having a happy kitchen like that, once upon a time.

What is your kitchen like?  A happy place, or a minefield?

Has OCPD impacted your kitchen and food prep?

Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 4 - Overcoming Indecisiveness & the Fear of Commitment

This post continues with Overcoming Indecisiveness and the Fear of Commitment from Chapter Four.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Overcoming Indecisiveness and the Fear of Commitment

If a person cannot make decisions or avoids commitments because he wants to "hold on to his options," he had better be enjoying them.  They are expensive.  Consider some of the costs:  

• You suffer every time you can't decide about something or face a potential commitment.  It is grueling and excruciating to be torn apart this way.
• Hundreds, even thousands of hours of your life are wasted on trying to make up your mind or ruminating over decisions already made.  Imagine how much energy this costs.  And for what?  Does all the waffling and stalling make the decisions turn out that much better?
• Indecisiveness and fear of commitment are sure to cause you to miss numerous opportunities, from financial ventures to long-term romantic relationships. <snip>
• A tentative attitude prevents you from giving anything your best effort.  <snip>

...you do manage to get into or out of jobs, relationships, projects, purchases.  But you rarely do these things directly and cleanly, carried along by the force of unconflicted convictions, so your actions somehow feel as if they're not truly yours.  <snip>

You don't develop a strong, clear sense of self, partly because this would require you to acknowledge that, for better or worse, you have directed your own destiny.  <snip>

***

I once dated a man before my OCPD ex, who was probably OCPD as well, just not as severely.  He spent a great deal of energy explaining to me why he didn't have any choice in:  ...where he lived, what he did for a living, what he did artistically, on and on and on.  Rescuer that I was, I would  give him countless examples to show him that he did, indeed, have other options, he was simply choosing not to make them.

Finally I realized that that he was emotionally tied to this concept of himself as a victim of circumstance.  He refused to accept that he was doing what he was doing or living where he was living because that was his own choice.  I lost patience with the whole poor can't-help-myself attitude (though, apparently, not enough to keep from trying to Rescue the next one who came along).

One of the frustrating things about being involved with someone with this Perfectionist Personality is observing how very painful this "dithering" can be for the Ditherer. From the outside, it looks not only excruciating, but entirely avoidable.  It's like the old joke about somebody hitting himself in the head with a hammer, "because it feels so good when I stop."

Churning from Wikimedia
Good for butter, not for decision-making

It makes us want to scream, "Why, WHY are you doing this to yourself?"

Which, of course, is the multi-jillion dollar question.  Brain wiring?  Habit?  Chemical imbalance?  Childhood trauma?  All of the above?

I could wish there was more research and better answers as to the why, but what little there is suggests that the brain can be rewired, the old habits can be broken, and better, healthier ones put into place.  That it's not simply "the way it has to be" but a choice.

Those with this condition must come to see that the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain/fear/risk of making a change, and be willing to invest the very hard work it takes to STOP the old, churning behaviors.

Would you be rich, if you had a dollar for every hour wasted dithering?
How about for the time spent second-guessing an already made decision?
Does being afraid to commit enrich your life, or steal from it?