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| Northern Afghani women via Wikimedia Commons Even burqa-wearing women get raped |
The Myth of Control goes something like this: If I try hard enough, I can stay in control of myself, of others, and of all the impersonal dangers of life. By my control, I can be certain of safe passage.
Most men who are not total @sswipes want to care for and protect their wives, girlfriends, sisters, mothers and daughters. Yet there is a reluctance, among men and women alike, to deal honestly with the realities of what rape really is. Nobody wants to believe that they or their loved ones could be sexually assaulted at any time. That's simply way too scary a thought.
So, we play these little mind games. We pretend that if we do the right things, take the right steps, we will be safe.
Some (men and women) tell themselves that women who are openly sexual, and dress in a way that invites attention, are "sluts" and are "asking for it." Certainly, they are asking for it - if "asking for it" means wanting attention. "It" does not mean they are asking for rape or assault, any more than a merchant who puts effort into building an attractive display window with beautiful merchandise is "asking for" a robber to come into his store with a gun to steal the merchandise and assault him.
And, as previously noted, most convicted rapists don't even remember what the victim was wearing. But if we can convince ourselves that sexual assault is triggered by the victim's clothing choices, we can reassure ourselves, if I don't dress like that, then I will be safe. (Corollary for a man being, that his wife/girlfriend/daughter/mother/sister will be safe.)
If I only only date "nice" boys, or go out in groups of friends, I will be safe.
If I always keep my doors and windows locked, I will be safe.
If I don't go out after dark, I will be safe.
We can create a long list of things to do, or not do, to ensure our safety, but the reality is, even for women (and men) who do everything "right," sometimes we are sexually assaulted anyway.
The real answer is that we need to change people's attitudes towards rape, which is a much harder job. Yet, over time, with enough social pressure, thoughts and attitudes can change.
I have seen them change in my own lifetime. When I was a teenager and into my early twenties, drunk driving was a joke. "Man, I was so hammered, I have no clue how I got home the other night," someone would say- at another party. Most people in the group would laugh and confess similar behaviors.
Since then, there has been a remarkable shift in public opinion. People are aware of how very many innocent people have been killed or crippled for life by drunk driving. We don't think it's cute or funny any more. No one would dream of loudly blurting something like that out in any kind of gathering, s/he would be roundly denounced by just about everyone there.
Way too many people still die because of alcohol-related driving accidents. But in 1982 there were over 26,000 alcohol-related fatalities in the USA, and despite the population (and number of cars on the road) increasing substantially, by 2008 that number had dropped to under 14,000. That's 14,000 too many, of course, but it proves that real social progress can be made, in a relatively short period of time.
We need to do for rape and sexual assault what we have done for drunk driving. We need to talk, talk, talk about it. We need to bust the myths and attack the real cause of rape, which is that of people (primarily men, but women can be rapists too) who try to prove their Power Over another man, woman or child by abusing them sexually. We need to stop slut-shaming and start rapist-shaming.
Slut-shaming offers only an illusion of control, not the real thing. If we blame the victim, we can give ourselves a false sense of security that what happened to her/him can't happen to us. Yet we know, deep inside, that this is not the truth.
"Sluts" don't deserve to be raped. Nobody deserves to be raped.
Your thoughts?
