Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Of Puppies, Of Floating Volkswagens, and Litterboxes

The Riddle Mother has been giving me a better work-out, these past few weeks, than the toughest boot-camp personal trainer.  Last night/this morning, my dreams featured puppies, a litterbox desperately in need of being changed (methinks the Real World is intruding a bit, there) and a seawater moat surrounding a house, in which there were half-submerged Volkswagens.

from Kid Stradivarius at Flickr
The man (not sure if he was a lover/husband, brother, or father/god figure, he was simply a man) was pushing the Volkwagen (beetles, like I used to own) into the moat, in an attempt to keep people from reaching the house.  Paradoxically, they formed a kind of floating bridge, two vehicles wide, that enabled people to reach the house.

He argued with me, as I prepared to add my own favorite bug to an empty space among the ones already there, "It'll sink, you know."

"I know," I said, "but for now, it'll help me get across."  So I pushed my car in, where it bobbed in the water, then by walking across on hoods and bumpers, I was able to reach the house.

Inside the house, we (a bunch of indistinct people & children) were cleaning up the litterbox, various animal (guinea pig?  hamster?  bird?) cages, and I was blowing up air mattresses to make it more comfortable for everyone to sleep.  Someone was passing around puppies - darling, velvety little puppies with warm soft fur and eager little tails.

When next I went outside, my own bug had sunk - I got the impression "the bottom" was several hundred feet down, and several of the other cars were low in the water.  But somehow there had formed a solid earth connection , a built-in drawbridge, from the house to the yard with the moat simply circling the sides of it now.

Exhibit A.  Yes, it did try to kill me.
I know that some of this dream was sparked by recent e-mail conversations with Thalia of Tetanus Burger, whom I hope to feature here as a guest interview soon.  Her father was OCPD - and a hoarder of automobiles and auto parts.  Specifically, Volkswagens.  Although, as I mentioned, I owned a couple of Beetles myself, and loved them.  (Well, I loved the second one.  The first one was cursed and tried to kill me a couple of times.)

I know it's significant that the cars were trying to cover/protect from an abyss, and at the same time, were both a barrier to reaching the house, and a bridge to it.

Cars can symbolize one's body and identity; they can also symbolize (obviously) something that carries one from one place to another.  It's true that my physical health/fitness hasn't been at the top of my priority list, but I don't think the dream was suggesting it's a good idea to sink it to the bottom of the ocean.

Houses also symbolize the self, life, body - so a dirty house is a sign that sorting out needs to be done. In dream symbology, a man has to do with the masculine energies, power, force, initiation, the focus to make things happen in the world.

Here's what I think my dream means - feel free to chime in with other ideas.  With this blog, and in other areas, I have been using my thoughts, experiences, and coping mechanisms (my bug) and those from lots of other people (the other cars), to build a piecemeal bridge and reconnect with my inner self.  Sadly, it's in a bit of disarray, but nothing that can't be quickly cleaned up.

The second part of the dream is easy - once all the garbage was taken away, there was room for the puppies; puppies representing, according to my dream interpret book, "your most innocent, cute, cuddly, and playful self.  You are realizing how lovable you are, and perhaps you are discovering how lovable someone else is."

from Gore Fiendus at Flickr
FYI, It's National Adopt-A-Shelter Dog Month.  Just Sayin'.

Some (not all) of my friends have suggested I am wasting my time and energies with this OCPD blog.  That I should do what many other exes do, and simply move on with my life.

My gut instinct, and my dream, are telling me I still have some bridges to build and things to learn, (and litterboxes to clean), but on the other side will be much playfulness and joy.

I think that while I do need to be mindful that this blog, and the book I hope to write on the subject someday don't take over my life (they're a big piece, but it's not the biggest piece), it's still not only important to other people, but to my own emotional and spiritual growth.

Thoughts?  Ideas?  Alternate dream interpretations?
As always, your comments mean much to me.

P.S. - In addition to our continuing Too Perfect Tuesdays, I'm guesting on The Garden Gate this Monday.  Please stop by!