Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The Shadow Scar

Emotional Healing" ©Beth Budesheim
Go here for more stunning, soul-filled art.
Some years ago, because I'm naturally graceful that way, I burned myself cooking.

I was baking cookies (despite the distress of my OCPD ex for messing up his kitchen by doing so) and as I removed a cookie sheet from the bottom rack of the oven, I brushed the top of my arm against the edge of the top rack for a few seconds.

It stung, and it left a red mark, about three inches long, a quarter inch or so wide.  It wasn't a bad burn, per se.  It was red, and it hurt a lot at the time, but it didn't even raise a blister, so it didn't cross the line from first to second-degree burn.  I've had burns on my hands from cooking that raised blisters.  As a child and teenager, had sunburns that blistered and peeled.  This particular burn seemed like no big deal.

Yet for whatever reason, this burn damaged the skin in such a way that I still have the shadow of it on my arm, noticeably darker than the surrounding skin, some six-seven years later.

It's a perfect metaphor to me for how emotional scars work, too.  It's not always the biggest wound that leaves the most lasting mark.  Sometimes a small burn, a cutting remark, some tiny soul-injury  that seemed like no big deal at the time, leaves a mark that lasts for years.  Perhaps forever.

We can tell ourselves there is no logical reason it should linger so, try to reason it away.  We can attempt to cover it up, or ignore it.  But maybe what we should do is simply acknowledge it's there, for whatever reason, and show love to ourselves about it.

Do you, too, have scars and wounds you tell yourself you "shouldn't" feel?
How well is that working out for you?
Please share some thoughts in the comments, below.