Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

We Could Try Again...
That Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady

Do you ever have days when anything and everything makes you cry, or is it just me?

Sometimes I get very sad and nostalgic about how things didn't work out with my ex(es). I get extremely  tempted to just go back and give it another try.

Surely if I go into it with the knowledge I have now, with me all refreshed from the time apart, with the experience and patience and techniques I've learned...

Surely, this time I can make it work.

And then a song like this comes on the radio, or my iPod, and I realize,  it's outside my power to make it work. 

A man who didn't treat me with love, respect, and caring, prior to the time we split, when our relationship was on the line, won't magically "get it" and behave so much better if I go crawling back to him, begging him to give me another chance...

It's tempting.  I miss him (okay, several hims.)  When you've slept with somebody over a course of years, more than a physical bond forms.  (I'm taking the Fifth Amendment on exactly how many bonds I've formed, over the course of my life, m'kay?  More than three, less than 33, like they asked in Kramer vs. Kramer, m'kay?  Yes, I've had some overlap.)

I've been dreaming a lot recently, of the guy I was head over snatch in love with, before I entered into my relationship with OCPD ex -bf.  Which was going nowhere.  Part of the reason I was so vulnerable to OCPD ex, was because of the sadness/desperation/rebound factor of said dead-end relationship.

Death is not actually a bad card. 
It's about transformation, change, & new beginnings.
Like a seed "dies" and is reborn as a plant.
In my dreams, the ex and I get together, and it's different this time.  But the Tarot cards tell a different story.  They tell me, when I ask about the future of said relationship, DEATH.  RUIN. DESPAIR.

As has his lack of any attempt at contact, in the 8+ years since I broke it off with him.

I'm thinking, it's time and beyond I took the hint.

He might not have been as overtly cruel as OCPD ex, but he was still cruel, in his own subtle, passive way.  He did not treat me like a lady, when all was said and done.

I need to stop looking for the easy fix, and continue on my quest to be more loving to myself.  Take care of the girlfriend, remember her?

Not look for salvation in retreads.

[Btw, this Zemanta thing is suggesting photos of iPods and Serbian churches to accompany this post.  I'm all for thinking outside the box, but really?]

Old loves are very tempting.  I know what they like, they know what I like, there's an instant comfort level there.

There's also a short cut to dysfunction behaviors, all over again.  For every woman (or man) I know who's gone back to an ex and made it work, there's a hundred or more who've regretted it.  And when I really think with my head - instead of parts further south - I know this.

So, even though I am occasionally going through pangs of - we'll call it loneliness - I can get through.  I still have a little emotional purging to get through, before I am ready to try dating again - and I am determined to hold out for something new and fresh.

I deserve to be treated like a lady, a beloved, a precious and valuable partner.  We all do.

Have you ever had to fend off the urge to return to a relationship 
that you knew was damaging to you?
How did you resist (or did you give in, and regret it later?)

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