Too Perfect Tuesdays - Chap 3 - Perfectionism vs. the Will to ExcelThe Subjective Experience of Achievement

Plane Crash via Wikimedia Commons

This post continues with Perfectionism Versus the Will to Excel, and The Subjective Experience of Achievement, from Chapter Three.

This series will look at a small snippet of The book on the Perfectionist Personality, aka The Obsessive Compulsive disordered Personality, aka OCPD, each week. Please follow along, leave your comments, engage more on the FaceBook website... whatever your heart calls you to do.

Too Perfect, When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeanette DeWyze was published by Random House in 1992.  If you believe you are dealing with OCPD or someone who is "Too Perfect," whether that's you or a loved one, please buy a copy of the book and read it for additional insights that will not all be covered in these excerpts.

Perfectionism Versus the Will to Excel

It's important to distinguish between perfectionism and a healthy will to excel, which is a reasoned desire to perform competently.  The latter is flexible and reasonable, while perfectionism is self-defeating, rigid, and drive.  While the healthy achiever usually takes intrinsic pleasure in doing a job well, making good decisions, and having his excellence recognized, he keeps a rational perspective.  He realizes that some tasks don't allow much room for error; if he happens to be a surgeon or a pilot, he takes the time to plan and prepare for his professional tasks and then carries them out in an exactly, thorough manner, with total attention to detail.  On the other hand, when he's preparing dinner for company or choosing a shirt, he can be far less exacting.  Unlike the perfectionist, he realizes that in these matters an error won't have major consequences and they don't warrant a lot of worry.  He usually can enjoy himself with even less than a perfect outcome.

from Monster Guide on
How to Measure for a Dress Shirt
Which is the perfect shirt & tie combo?

THE SUBJECTIVE EXPERIENCE OF ACHIEVEMENT
Even when the perfectionist and his healthier counterpart carry out a given activity flawlessly, they often differ in their subjective experience of that accomplishment.  A healthy will to excel tends to bring one pleasure, while perfectionism quite often is a source of pain. <snip>

The non-perfectionist doesn't need to be right all the time.  His security doesn't depend upon having a spotless record of being viewed as the ideal person.  But when he does achieve a goal or overcome an obstacle, he feels gratification, fulfillment, even joy.

The perfectionist, on the other hand, is apt to experience any given task or interaction as a test that will reflect his adequacy.  So it's always important for him to do things correctly, know the answer, make the "right" decision.  His goal and motives in any endeavor are so complicated that he can hardly avoid being preoccupied and tense.  When he does achieve excellence, he can rarely enjoy it.

***

This is what I referred to in an earlier post about the idea that those with OCPD lack a filter.  Obviously, we want our pilot, train engineer, and brain surgeon to pay meticulous detail to every checklist and warning light.  But not everything is not brain surgery.

It really doesn't matter if somebody wears a blue shirt with a solid black tie, or a patterned one.  A normal person doesn't obsess all day long about which shirt and tie to wear.  Even for a second date with somebody we really like.

Somebody with OCPD will spend the entire day planning their wardrobe choices.  Every decision is equally life-changing, every detail merits the same level of attention.  They spend vast amounts of time "churning" over some small decision that a normal person wouldn't spend more than ten seconds on.

In a restaurant, ordering a meal?  What if you pick the WRONG THING?  They can't seem to get to the place of, "Okay, if I get something I don't like, now I will have discovered I really don't like X, so next time I will order Y. If I'm still hungry, I can just eat more bread or get a really good dessert."  They may dither over the menu endlessly, and in the end, pick the same thing they always get, because that's the safe choice.

And oh, the not enjoying excellence!  Great tomato crop?  What are we going to do with all these tomatoes?!  Something wonderful gets turned into a tragedy.

It seems there is never a time to kick back and simply enjoy things having gone well.  Every occasion where things have gone well is simply Fate getting ready to kick us in the teeth (which is a flea I'm working to overcome, myself.)

Your thoughts?

On Rape, Slut-Shaming, and the Illusion of Control

Northern Afghani women
via Wikimedia Commons
Even burqa-wearing women get raped

I thought I'd wandered off-topic a bit with my post on It's Not Really Rape, If... but actually, slut-shaming has a lot to do with OCPD-type thinking.

The Myth of Control goes something like this: If I try hard enough, I can stay in control of myself, of others, and of all the impersonal dangers of life.  By my control, I can be certain of safe passage.

Most men who are not total @sswipes want to care for and protect their wives, girlfriends, sisters, mothers and daughters.  Yet there is a reluctance, among men and women alike, to deal honestly with the realities of what rape really is.  Nobody wants to believe that they or their loved ones could be sexually assaulted at any time.  That's simply way too scary a thought.

So, we play these little mind games. We pretend that if we do the right things, take the right steps, we will be safe. 

Some (men and women) tell themselves that women who are openly sexual, and dress in a way that invites attention, are "sluts" and are "asking for it."  Certainly, they are asking for it - if "asking for it" means wanting attention.  "It" does not mean they are asking for rape or assault, any more than a merchant who puts effort into building an attractive display window with beautiful merchandise is "asking for" a robber to come into his store with a gun to steal the merchandise and assault him.

And, as previously noted, most convicted rapists don't even remember what the victim was wearing.  But if we can convince ourselves that sexual assault is triggered by the victim's clothing choices, we can reassure ourselves, if I don't dress like that, then I will be safe.  (Corollary for a man being, that his wife/girlfriend/daughter/mother/sister will be safe.)

If I only only date "nice" boys, or go out in groups of friends, I will be safe.

If I always keep my doors and windows locked, I will be safe.

If I don't go out after dark, I will be safe.

We can create a long list of things to do, or not do, to ensure our safety, but the reality is, even for women (and men) who do everything "right," sometimes we are sexually assaulted anyway.

The real answer is that we need to change people's attitudes towards rape, which is a much harder job.  Yet, over time, with enough social pressure, thoughts and attitudes can change.

I have seen them change in my own lifetime.  When I was a teenager and into my early twenties, drunk driving was a joke.  "Man, I was so hammered, I have no clue how I got home the other night," someone would say- at another party.  Most people in the group would laugh and confess similar behaviors.

Since then, there has been a remarkable shift in public opinion.  People are aware of how very many innocent people have been killed or crippled for life by drunk driving.  We don't think it's cute or funny any more.  No one would dream of loudly blurting something like that out in any kind of gathering, s/he would be roundly denounced by just about everyone there.

Way too many people still die because of alcohol-related driving accidents.  But in 1982 there were over 26,000 alcohol-related fatalities in the USA, and despite the population (and number of cars on the road) increasing substantially, by 2008 that number had dropped to under 14,000.  That's 14,000 too many, of course, but it proves that real social progress can be made, in a relatively short period of time.

We need to do for rape and sexual assault what we have done for drunk driving.  We need to talk, talk, talk about it.  We need to bust the myths and attack the real cause of rape, which is that of people (primarily men, but women can be rapists too) who try to prove their Power Over another man, woman or child by abusing them sexually.  We need to stop slut-shaming and start rapist-shaming.




Slut-shaming offers only an illusion of control, not the real thing.  If we blame the victim, we can give ourselves a false sense of security that what happened to her/him can't happen to us.  Yet we know, deep inside, that this is not the truth.

"Sluts" don't deserve to be raped.  Nobody deserves to be raped.

Your thoughts?

It's Not Really Rape If... Busting the Myths

Britney Spears via Wikimedia Commons
Is Britney a "slut"? Or a healthy young woman,
secure in her own sexuality?

Yep, this is a blog about OCPD and mental illness and setting boundaries, and this post is going to be about rape, which is also a boundary violation, in more ways than one.  So shut up, lay back and enjoy it, as they used to say.

One of the enduring myths about rape is that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized”.  This myth is so pervasive and widespread that members of the Toronto Police, among others, have voiced it as "truth," because they believe it is the truth.

The facts?  Do rape victims provoke the attack by wearing "provocative clothing" or otherwise "asking for it"?

• Wanting attention, even wanting consensual sex, is not the same thing as wanting to be forced, coerced, or drugged into unconsenting sex.  As Caitlyn commented on the original article that stirred up the SlutWalks movement (more on that later) "Blaming the woman for wanting to look attractive is like blaming a store owner for having such nice and expensive things in his store, after the store is subject to an armed robbery.  Clearly the owner should cover up and hide all the nice things so no one wants to steal them."
• A Federal Commission on Crime of Violence Study found that only 4.4% of all reported rapes involved provocative behavior on the part of the victim, and most of this consisted of nothing more than dressing or walking in a way that is socially defined as attractive.  In murder cases 22% involved provocative behavior (as simple as a glance.)
• Assault victims range in age from days old to those in their nineties.  (I never thought of Onesies or flannel nighties as "slutty," did you?)
• Women who live in countries with conservative dress, or who wear it in Western countries, such as Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Mennonite, LDS - also experience rape.
• Women, children and men who have limited mental capacity are often sexually assaulted.
• Women in the US Armed Forces are more likely to be assaulted by a fellow soldier than killed in combat.  Men in the US Armed Forces are also experiencing sexual assault in record numbers by "straight" soldiers, often by a group of them.  Both male and female assault victims are typically young, low-ranking and vulnerable.  The dynamics are similar to prison rape.  It's all about exerting Power Over another human being.
• Most convicted rapists do not remember what their victims were wearing.

There are a lot of people who pay lip service to "Rape is not about sex, rape is about violence," but they don't truly believe it.  Deep down, they believe the myth that men rape because they are desperate for sex, their wives are frigid or they can't get a girlfriend. 

Men rape because they want power and control over someone weaker than themselves. They use their penis as a weapon to control and humiliate their victim. They rape because their own lives are inadequate and unfulfilled. They do not rape for sexual satisfaction. Most rapists do not enjoy the sex, they say things like "I didn't enjoy the sex, just the fear in her eyes."  Rapists often don't ejaculate.

Rapists also may have problems achieving or maintaining an erection.  Many assaults are committed with foreign objects forced into a man or woman's body.

Many women and men in Canada and the United States are getting fed up with victim-blaming, along with the myths and misconceptions that still - still! linger about rape and sexual assault.  Therefore, groups around Canada and the US are holding SlutWalks to help educate the public about the sad realities of what rape is, and what it isn't. 

Being assaulted isn’t about what you wear; it’s not even about sex; but using a pejorative term to rationalize inexcusable behaviour creates an environment in which it’s okay to blame the victim. 

Historically, the term ‘slut’ has carried a predominantly negative connotation. Aimed at those who are sexually promiscuous, be it for work or pleasure, it has primarily been women who have suffered under the burden of this label. And whether dished out as a serious indictment of one’s character or merely as a flippant insult, the intent behind the word is always to wound, so we’re taking it back. “Slut” is being re-appropriated.

We are tired of being oppressed by slut-shaming; of being judged by our sexuality and feeling unsafe as a result. Being in charge of our sexual lives should not mean that we are opening ourselves to an expectation of violence, regardless if we participate in sex for pleasure or work. No one should equate enjoying sex with attracting sexual assault.

<snip> We are asking you to join us for SlutWalk, to make a unified statement about sexual assault and victims’ rights and to demand respect for all. Whether a fellow slut or simply an ally, you don’t have to wear your sexual proclivities on your sleeve, we just ask that you come. Any gender-identification, any age. Singles, couples, parents, sisters, brothers, children, friends. Come walk or roll or strut or holler or stomp with us. This has become a global movement, with Satellites happening all over the world. See if there’s one in your city.

I'm joining SlutWallks LA on June 4.  There will be some fabulous guest speakers and wonderful volunteers, including co-organizer Hugo Schwyzer of the Good Men Project, who wrote a wonderful editorial on Why Men Should Join SlutWalk, including some very poignant hopes and wishes for his own daughter.

Why does it matter if many men and women believe things about sexual assault which are simply not true?

From WSCAP:

Rape myths are not just a set of harmless beliefs. Rape and rape myths are destructive forces. They do not fall on deaf ears, nor are they said in a vacuum. Although some people may think they are just “saying words” or holding on to innocuous beliefs, rape myths have profound impacts. They hurt. They hurt individuals, they hurt survivors, they hurt families and they hurt communities. They encourage silence, shame and pain. They shift blame away from the perpetrator, and, ultimately, keep us believing that sexual violence is natural and normal. And, most assuredly, perpetrators count on us believing them in order to continue perpetrating sexual violence.

People who believe rape myths sit on juries.  They serve on police forces, the D.A.'s offices, become judges.  They write our laws.  They make it possible for a culture of victim-blaming - and raping - to continue.

Rape myths lead to otherwise intelligent men like Ben Stein reasoning that Dominique Strauss-Kahn was unlikely to be a rapist because he could not think of any economists who had been convicted of violent sex crimes.  Unfortunately for BS (hey, those are his initials, blame his mama,) The Daily Show has a research team.  They shortly proved that, by the same line of "reasoning," that economists are actually "the rape-iest profession going."

Myth: Rapists are 7 feet tall, and covered with rank hair.  (Or, perhaps not that exactly, but obviously creepy and menacing, like Robert Mitchum in Cape Fear.) 
Rapists look just like anybody else.  They are often married or have a steady girlfriend, even those who assault other men.  They come from all walks of life, all economic levels, all races, and all ages.


Myth: Rapes are spur of the moment. 
Actually, 90% of group rapes and 60% of single assailant rapes are planned.

Myth: If s/he doesn't say no, that means yes. 
Not in the case of minors, people with limited or diminished mental capacity, people who have been drugged or have given alcohol to the point of unconsciousness, or who are otherwise not able to give their consent.  Know what means yes?  Yes means yes.

Myth: It's not really rape, if you've had sex together before. 
Yes, it is. Even if this person is your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend.  No means no.

Myth: If they enjoy other sex acts with you, even though they've always said they don't want to participate in anal sex, it's okay to insert a penis or other object into their anus when they're deeply asleep.  
No, that's still rape.  And an excuse of "Gee, I missed, I didn't realize I was in the wrong place" is especially lame if you are a prominent gynecologist.

Myth: women don't need abortion coverage for rape, because they should always be prepared.  Like keeping a spare tire in the trunk. 
However you feel about abortion rights, that has to go down as one of the most brain-dead things anyone has ever said.

What other myths have you heard about rape?  

It's not really rape if...